


together, we heal

by xofrankiox



Category: Attack - Fandom, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Best Friends to Lovers, Death, Depression, Domestic, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Levi is Whipped (Shingeki no Kyojin), Lots of time jumps, Married Life, Mental Health Issues, OC is a doctor, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Canon, Realistic depiction of relationships, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan References, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, but they're really cute, deep and introspective conversations, he's surprisingly a gentleman wow, healthy relationship, inaccurate medical scenarios, levi is a meanie but a softie, like really heavy, lots of bickering, lots of swearing, marriage is messy kids, no regrets, oc doesn't always have to be a soldier just to be compatible with levi, the tiny man has loads of feelings, who knew he could be whipped?, young levi is very protective and sarcastic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 178,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27434110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xofrankiox/pseuds/xofrankiox
Summary: It would be insane not to wonder about the curious case between the relationship of Humanity's Strongest, Captain Levi Ackerman, and renowned doctor, Vanya Ronan.To everyone, they're always at each other's throats, but sometimes, it also doesn't take a genius to see that deep down, there's an unspoken language of love that only the two can understand.( -- or, in which everyone thinks Levi and OC are enemies but hey, 5 years of marriage can  really be deceiving. )
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s), Levi Ackerman & Original Female Character(s), Levi/OC
Comments: 263
Kudos: 356





	1. The Doctor's Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> So, this work was originally posted in Wattpad and I figured that maybe I could also share it here on AO3. My handle on Wattpad is xofrankiox in case you want to read it from there. Take note, this work will have LOTS OF TIME JUMPS!! So, I'm sorry for that in advance huuuu. Make sure to always take note of the year before reading the chapter. 
> 
> It is important to note that my INITIAL plan for this fanfiction is to just be a series of oneshots that will give you a glimpse of my OC and Levi's story together. I'm thinking that this won't be plot-heavy by any means YET. It will be more focused on the relationship, a simple slice-of-life kind of fanfiction. Just a feel good read, if you're into that or you want a break from reading or reading heavy plots. But I promise you, this isn't going to be always light. I'll put some angst and drama here and there. I'll make sure that the relationship portrayed will be REALISTIC. 
> 
> And this is because of my limited knowledge on the series. I have only watched the whole anime series once and I have not read the manga, although I plan to! But I want to establish my OC out there first. Once I read the manga, maybe I'll have this story develop, and make a plot of my own. And if ever you see some discrepancies in the story that doesn't align with the series, don't hesitate to tell me, please!
> 
> So that's it! I hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> frankie x
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own Attack On Titan nor any of its characters, all credits for the creation for the original story and characters go to Hajime Isayama. I only own my original character, Vanya Ronan, and the future original characters that will later appear in the story.

**_ The Doctor's Beginning _ **

**_Year 848_ **

"My, little one, your chickenpox has completely subsided now!"

As she scanned the 8 year old boy's bare back for any signs of active chickenpox rash, Doctor Vanya Ronan smiled triumphantly whilst pulling the little boy's shirt down after seeing only specs of chickenpox scars littered all over the boy's skin..

"Really?!" The boy's eyes glistened with amazement, turning around to face his doctor after having his upper body examined.

"Hmmhm," Vanya nodded, endeared by her patient's innocent expression. "You can now go out again, and play with your friends now, Johnny."

Johnny gasped as if he couldn't believe the information that he was told. He looked over his shoulder to face his mother, who was already smiling down at him as if to confirm what the kind, and beautiful doctor just said.

"No more staying in that house of ours for weeks," The mother chuckled, whilst softly pushing her son towards the doctor. "Now, sweetie, what do we say to Doctor Vanya?"

"T-thank you, Doctor!"

"It's my pleasure, little-- oh!"

Vanya was cut off when she felt the boy strongly wrap his small arms around her skirt in an attempt to squeeze her into a hug. She could only giggle as she ruffled Johnny's blonde hair, "I'm going to miss seeing your adorable face."

The little boy looked up with a pout, his eyes threatening to tear up when tears started appearing, "I want to see Doctor again!"

Vanya's jaw dropped in astonishment, before breaking into another fit of giggles. "Oh, Johnny..."

She knelt down, wrapped her arms around Johnny's leg before lifting him off the ground. As Vanya hoisted the light boy effortlessly, the boy willingly steadied himself, snaking his limbs around her.

"Little one," She cooed, rubbing her nose into the boy's cheek.

"That tickles!" Johnny laughed.

"I better not see you again because it only means you're sick! I want you to be a healthy big boy, could you do that for me?"

The boy gazed at her, wide-eyed. He bobbed his head vigorously into a nod. "I will be a healthy big boy for you, Doctor!"

"That's the spirit!"

"Now, Johnny, how about you go to the waiting room outside, and wait for me there? Let's grab some snacks on the way home, yeah?" The mother beamed, watching her son perk up to the promise of snack that awaits him.

The boy gasped while nodding. Vanya saw this as her cue to let the boy down back onto the ground. In an instant, the boy jumped out of her arms excitedly, as if he wasn't begging to stay seconds ago. Both women watched Johnny dashed out of the door, and jumped onto the sofa by the waiting room.

Vanya could only gaze fondly at the door that was now closed, blocking the view of Johnny bouncing impatiently in his seat. "You have a beautiful boy, Margaret."

"Oh, yes," Margaret, the mother, sighed in agreement. "Having kids -- they're a blessing but a pain at times."

"I could never imagine."

"Are you not married, Doctor?"

Vanya broke her gaze off the door as she looked at the woman with a stunned expression. Margaret's lips curled upward, amused, as her eyes darted to Vanya's right hand clutching a clipboard to her chest. Vanya looked down just in time to see the silver band around her ring finger glisten when the morning light pierced through her office window.

She inspected the ring on her dainty finger. The ring that symbolized a lifetime celebration of love -- the symbol that tied her to the love of her life.

It only brought such warmth in her chest remembering that.

"Yes, yes I am."

"No more than 4 or 5 years, I presume. You seem young."

Vanya grinned, impressed by how deductive Margaret was. "Why, you're right! We've been married for about 3 years."

Margaret's smile dropped upon hearing the Doctor's reply. "3 years."

Vanya's face instantly fell after realizing what the mother had meant. "Yeah, it's been 3 years."

It's been 3 years not just of Vanya being married but also 3 years since the Titans terrorized the district of Shiganshina.

She suddenly felt lightheaded for only a few seconds. A flash of haunting memories appeared like a lightning bolt in her mind. The screams, falling debris, bloody body parts scattered all over the streets. And a monstrous gigantic hand that choked her body, almost squeezing the life out of her.

She didn't see it coming -- no one did. It was just a fine morning in Shiganshina when the nightmare happened. The day when she nearly died as she remembered seeing that monster's mouth wide open for it to swallow her whole. Its string of saliva hanging from its teeth, taunting her the doors of death.

Fortunately, she has already come to a point in her healing process wherein the only sane thing to do is to accept the fact that it happened.

She was saved. How? She could never dare forget. Was she grateful? Perhaps. But was she relieved after that? She was absolutely not.

Because that day, she may have been saved; but someone else did not make it.

It has been a constant reminder to herself that humanity must further move on if they don't want to go extinct. No matter how devastated she was, and how achingly slow her depression went after that, she had to move forward, and heal.

And fight. Just like how her husband would say.

And speaking of,

"What does your husband do? Is he also a doctor?"

The question snapped her out of her thoughts. When she looked at Margaret, she saw how the mother was back to her casual smile which barely hid the grievance underneath it.

Margaret must have caught Vanya's forlorn expression, so she decided to change the topic.

Vanya tried her best to hold herself back from falling apart as she politely smiled. "Well..."

"Well?"

"Well, no. He's always gone. Busy man," She sheepishly brushed a strand of her red hair behind her ear. "He's... all over the place, I suppose."

"And have you no kids?"

Vanya dejectedly shook her head sideways. "No... not yet? I don't know..."

She heaved a sigh as she turned her head to the window to marvel the view of the lively street of Trost, embellished with the glow of summer sunshine.

"Bring an innocent child into this world with those things lurking beyond our walls?" Vanya mumbled wistfully to no one in particular. She then laughed that was empty of any joy. As if she finds the whole concept useless. "How ridiculous."

She then felt her free hand being held. Vanya looked back to see her left hand cupped in both of Margaret's warm hands in reassurance.

"I'm so sorry."

Margaret knew. Of course she would. Vanya didn't need to tell her what happened as it was already colored all over her crestfallen eyes. She could only be annoyed at herself for not being able to hide her feelings very well. She was just too much of an open book. Or maybe she just didn't have enough strength to control her own emotions. Or maybe, Margaret was just simply too deductive.

"Oh n-no! Not to worry, Margaret. It was all in the past. Nothing we can do." Vanya politely brushed off, gently taking her hand back from the mother's grasp. "Shall I walk you out?"

She couldn't bear another minute having this conversation. The air in the room felt too heavy, and she began to feel her chest tighten. Another minute, and she might start catching her breath in an attempt to save herself from another panic attack.

Fortunately, Margaret agreed as the doctor escorted the woman out of her office only to be greeted by the sight of little Johnny standing on the sofa. The boy was trying to peer through the little window that was just barely in his reach, his back directed to the two women behind him but his gaze was somewhere far off into the streets of Trost.

"Johnny, be careful!" Margaret chided as she tried to pull her son down.

"Mama, mama, they're back! The Scouts are back!"

Vanya perked up to that announcement coming from a tiny voice.

"Yes, I know, sweetie. Now please will you--"

"I want to be like them, Mama!"

Oh? Vanya raised an eyebrow, amused.

"Don't be silly! What they're doing out there is very dangerous for a little child like you!" Margaret scowled. The whole scene just seemed to be entertaining for the doctor who was watching the interaction unfolding before her.

"But, mama, I want to be like that captain! Humanity's Strongest!"

Hearing that made Vanya instantly frown. Slowly, she was mirroring the mother's scowling expression.

"You mean that captain? Oh please," She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "For someone that tiny, he sure holds a lot of grudges. He's got loads of 'em, in fact."

Margaret was surprised at the doctor.

"Oh, so you know that Captain Levi?"

"I guess," Vanya shrugged, walking towards Johnny who was still peeking through the window as his eyes lit up with pure admiration at the line of uniformed men and women with green cloaks.

"Little one, why do you want to be like that little one over there?"

She pointed at the man with raven black hair, and eyes so resolute. He could actually stab a person just from his gaze. He was on his horse, surrounded by his squad as he tiredly rode through the commotion of the people of Trost celebrating the regiment's return. Dull, lifeless, and bored. But unbelievingly handsome, nonetheless; Vanya hated admitting that.

Yes, but he's still short. Vanya internally snickered smugly.

That's always been Captain Levi to her.

And from the looks of it, it seemed like there were barely any casualties this time, seeing how the soldiers were happily waving at the crowd with triumphant smiles on their faces.

Thank the Walls!

"I wanna protect my mama, and take down all those Titans!"

The boy, who was only 8, looked at Vanya with determination. His eyes spoke of promises, and dreams. But will those dreams be enough for him to survive in this messy world?

This boy hasn't even seen a single Titan, unlike Vanya herself who witnessed the hell let loose by those monsters.

And she didn't want to lay eyes on a single Titan ever again.

"You don't have to be like that smug-looking Captain to protect your mama. Just be yourself." Vanya ruffled his hair, chuckling.

"But no! I want to be like Captain Levi! He took down over 30 Titans by himself. He's the best!"

At this point, she began to feel annoyed at the constant mention of the captain. When she looked through the window again, she saw how the captain didn't even bother to acknowledge the crowds' cheers, and praises for him. He looked like he didn't even want to be there.

"He thinks he's so cool, huh?" Vanya thought out loud with a miserable tone.

"Is there a problem with Captain Levi?" The mother chimed in to study the person in question who was just outside casually brushing off people with his unamused and shabby expression. "He's a fine young man, I tell you that," the older woman whistled, surveying the captain's features.

"I tell you," Vanya grumbled, pursing her lips tightly,"he is a show-off, that one. Pretentious, arrogant, conceited--"

"I'm pretty sure they all mean the same thing-- "

"-- delinquent, troublesome, stubborn, and an obsessive neat freak. That man needs help."

She whipped around with a disgusted look as she walked away from the window. She undid the strings of her work apron, neatly folded it, and placed it on her bag where she keeps her equipment needed in her line of work. Even if it was only 9 in the morning, she knew she was done for the day in the clinic as she needed somewhere else to be.

Because most of the time, she may be in her own clinic in Trost but at the same time, she was also the Head Doctor assigned in the Scout Regiment.

The Scouts' return was her signal that she needed to close her clinic for the time being. It was a basic protocol for every member of the Scout to undergo a medical check-up before, and after an expedition. And Vanya bore the responsibility of spearheading that process. It was tedious, but utterly necessary.

"Doctor, may I ask?" Margaret watched as Vanya was packing to close the clinic.

"Hmm?" She hummed in reply, busy gathering first aid kids, and all sorts of vials of medicines that she can fit in her baggage.

Margaret could only smile. Oh, she was such a deductive woman.

"Are you and Captain Levi close?"


	2. The Return Of The Scouts

**_ The Return of the Scouts _ **

**_Year 848_ **

"Walls, sweet, walls!"

Section Commander, Hange Zoe, yawned whilst stretching her arms right above her head as the Scout Regiment were about to enter the gate of the wall leading into the town of Trost.

"Keep it down, Zoe," grouched Oluo, who was trying his best to keep his eyes open after the whole expedition band rode through the crack of dawn in the Titan territory. "You've been nothing but a pain in the ass all through the night."

"I was not!" The brown-haired woman screeched in defense, before turning to her trusted assistant. "Moblit, do tell him. I didn't cause much trouble, right?"

However, Moblit's attention -- or lack thereof -- was somewhere else. The prim-looking, yet sleep-deprived, soldier was absentmindedly riding on his horse as he ogled at the sight of the walls to which that holds the prospect of getting some sleep in his soft mattress back at the headquarters.

"Moblit!"

"Y-yes, Squad Leader!" Moblit finally snapped out of his yearning for rest, nearly falling off his horse at the volume of Hange's voice.

"I was behaving all throughout, right? RIGHT?"

"Uhhh," The poor assistant had no way of confirming since he, too, was bothered by his Squad Leader wailing about capturing alive Titans for experiments during their whole venture back to the city. No one wanted to listen to her but that only worsened Hange's wailing, and begging for the Commander to have her "revolutionary" proposal approved. "Y-you were making quite a scene back there..."

"WHAT?!"

At this point, every soldier in the expedition group has mastered the art of desensitizing themselves from the constant outcries of the peculiar scientist. Now, Hange was flailing her hands around as she demanded more for an opportunity to develop her experiments. Even her poor horse was now beginning to get spooked from its own rider who just wouldn't stop moving around.

"Oy, Four Eyes,"

A voice so gruff bellowed from behind. "Shut the hell up already."

Hange's eyes bulged, looking betrayed by one of her most trusted comrades. She turned her head, and pointed an accusing finger at the speaker, "You should be supporting me, you know!"

"Tsk," The man with his signature grim stare retorted back. "And risk more of our men's lives? Woman, do you even use your damn common sense?"

"Oh, boo-hoo, Levi!" Hange stuck out her tongue at him like an immature kid who didn't get the candy she was promised.

She may have been immature, but she wasn't dumb as people would commonly deem her. She was constantly frustrated how men around her just wouldn't listen to the potential of her hard work. People thought she was just wasting her late nights tinkering with whatever she can experiment on, not knowing that she was growing even more desperate to save humanity. She didn't do experiments out of just a mere hobby; she wanted truth. The truth that is the key to put an end to the Titans once and for all.

But, sadly, men just don't seem to care because apparently, fighting is a better option than knowing, right? Expand human territories, dispatch Titans, reclaim the now fallen Wall Maria -- all men do is just take, and take.

Levi could only drag his fingers through his hair in exasperation. He looked up to see the sun at its peak, and the heat now grazing his pale skin. It was fortunate how they haven't spotted a hoard of Titans all the way back with this amount of sunlight. Not that he wanted to deal with any Titans right now, after spending the whole night getting rid of them in the forest.

Looking forward, he saw the gates of Trost slowly being lifted at their presence, and the promise of _home_ was the only reason he was still capable of keeping his eyes open.

"I can't believe we made it back alive!" One of the new recruits behind him said incredulously.

"Yeah, Dom shit his pants the other day, huh?"

"Hey! I didn't, okay? Plus, it was my first time seeing a Titan so give it a break."

 _Tsk_... Levi had no choice but to listen to the ruckus coming from their new recruits. It was a miracle that no one died in this expedition -- a very rare occurrence. They have been scaling the vast Titan territory that once belonged to humans to see if they can trace a map for future expeditions of reclaiming what was once theirs. It had been difficult ever since 20% of the population was lost from the Fall but the Scout Regiment took the heaviest toll. More territories taken from them just means more expeditions for them to venture; and more expeditions would only mean more blood in their hands. And Levi wasn't sure if he could handle more of it despite being in this military division for 4 years.

"Better take rest when we get back, soldier."

Levi, surprised, looked at the source of the voice to see his Commander Erwin Smith looking cautiously at him.

"We're still in Titan territory."

"Not for long," Erwin looked forward as they approached the gates. "In no time, we'll be back home."

 _Home_. Yes, all Levi was yearning for at the very moment was going back home after their expedition that lasted for 3 days. His home that radiated with so much warmth, the scent of brewing tea coupled by the clanking sounds of silverwares, and the soft melody being hummed.

And the said home was no longer the living hell that he experienced in the Underground.

It had been rough for him during the past 3 days. It was two sleepless nights, and three scorching days of being paranoid since they had to set camps in the forest. Though Titans didn't lurk during the night time, he couldn't help but count the possibilities of those creatures jumping out of nowhere while they had their guards down.

But now, they were safe as Trost was just right there, in front of them.

"Ouch! Dom, stop that!"

"Woops, that's what you get for telling everyone that I shit my pants."

"So you admit that it's true?"

"JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH, ZEN!"

Levi could only muster a guttural sound in his throat, clearly annoyed at how chirpy their recruits are. If only those dim-witted soldiers knew that expeditions don't usually end casualty-free as the one they just had. It always ended with at least 30% of the group dead.

"Now, now Levi," The brunette scientist chimed in, slowing down to match the captain's horse. "Let those newbies celebrate their first expedition." Hange clearly saw the man's irritated face, and she just couldn't help but intrude.

"Bring them in for the next expedition, and we'll see if they'd still babble like that," was what Levi could only say, his glare deepening.

And Hange couldn't disagree -- it was the truth. Their returns from expeditions usually result in a deafening silence brimmed with the echoes of their fallen comrades. Gloomy faces downward, but their depleting hopes still high up because humanity must simply move forward. No matter how many horrified familiar faces were being swallowed, or crushed into the teeth of those monsters.

"How did you even end up getting your arm like that?" Dom, the squirmish recruit, inspected his companion's arm that was hung with a cloth that extended from his neck.

"The Titan dropped me from 10 meters high," Zen mumbled, and his eyes grew distant to recall that hell of a memory which transpired yesterday. "It was about to eat me but Captain Levi made it on time."

Dom gawked at their captain who was just riding right in front of them, ignoring their conversation.

"Humanity's Strongest, indeed."

"But oh well, this injury might as well be worth it if it means seeing that pretty doctor again."

Now this made Levi suddenly but subtly tune into the conversation behind him.

"Oh, the doctor who did the check-ups before this expedition?"

"Yup, and the same doctor who taught us first-aid during our Training days."

"So that's why she was familiar!"

"You mean, you forgot about her? You can't forget a beautiful face like that. Plus, she was so kind. To think that a doctor like her would be assigned in the military instead of being in the interior."

It was a good thing that they were now passing through the darkness of the tunnel as they crossed the gate. It did a good job hiding Levi's scowl, his creases on his forehead were so scrunched up in utter irritation, he could actually end up getting wrinkles the next day.

Hange really tried her best holding her laugh from the side. She just couldn't understand how this small captain could hold such a seething "grudge" for a lovely human being. Or maybe she did.

"I can't wait to see her later--"

"Oy."

The recruits froze in fear at the grumpy tone of their captain who was now glowering at them. "You're talking about that Doctor Ronan, aren't you?"

"Y-yes, captain!" Zen gulped, sweat beginning to trickle down his temple. "Doctor Vanya was the one who taught us to do this," he gestured at his hanging bandaged arm.

"And you did a pretty shitty job at it," Levi scoffed at the crudely dressed injury. "She must be an amateur trainer then."

All the Scouts within earshot, even Commander Erwin himself, turned their heads to his direction with their mouths agape. To hear Humanity's Strongest speak ill of one of the most renowned doctors was perhaps one of the most astounding thing one could ever come across. But of course, only the Commander, and Levi's most trusted friends knew better. 

They can read through Levi's true intentions. 

"You are wrong, sir!"

Levi's eyes widened at the recruit's sudden objection.

_How dare a meek recruit object his own captain?_

"Excuse me?" Levi's face only grew even deadlier as the recruits around Zen cowered, feeling sorry for their poor injured friend. At this time, they have now passed the tunnel, and entered the brightness that showered the district of Trost.

"I-I mean," Zen stuttered. "She is a respectable doctor, captain; there's no one like her within these walls! Her brilliance exceeds all other medical professionals in the prestigious hospitals in Wall Sina. She was kind, and patient to all of the trainees when she taught us, all while she saved humanity by preventing another epidemic to spread after the Fall 3 years ago. If there's anyone who should be accountable for this poorly bandaged injury, it's me. Not Doctor Vanya, sir!"

Levi could only raise an eyebrow, amused. "She must be a show-off, then? You speak highly of her. Got a petty crush on her or something?"

The recruit instantly turned red. "I... uhhh... ummm-- "

"Don't even bother, recruit, it'll do you good," Levi said coolly, while turning his face forward to ready himself at the approaching crowd that was about to welcome them. "She's the worst brat you'll ever meet in your life."

Zen was confused upon hearing that. The young and fresh faced recruit could vividly remember all the memories he shared with the famous doctor who was nothing but intelligence, grace, and beauty. He could recount his trainee days when the doctor would constantly ask him how he is, if he was injured or hurt even if the only incident was a basic sparring training session. She was always concerned for these young people who would willingly risk their lives to save humanity. How could someone so lovely be a brat?

"Don't overthink it, kid." Hange patted, or rather smacked, his shoulder that was directly connected to his injured arm.

He cringed at the instant burst of pain.

"Oops! Sorry about that!" Hange scratched the nape of her timidly. "Better get that treated soon. Oh, look! Isn't that her?"

Hange adjusted her goggles to see that they were about to pass by the _Ronan Clinic_. A further squint in the eye and you could see the beautiful owner who just exited the small, and humble clinic if it weren't for the growing crowd who cheered for them, and partially blocked their view, and path.

Levi, looking bored as ever at the crowd, looked up to where Hange was pointing at.

"Aaaah, it is her! She must be heading for the headquarters now," Zen sighed dreamily. "Should we give her a ride?"

"Don't be silly, she can do that herself." Levi snapped as he stared at the female doctor who turned around to face the line of Scouts marching down the streets.

And then, they met each other's eyes.

It was such a brief and electric interaction but it was enough for Vanya to raise one eyebrow smugly, as if she was taunting the captain from a distance. Levi smirked, not willing to back down from the woman's determined gaze.

The whole squad of recruits behind him were witnessing this rare interaction unfolding before them. They couldn't believe it. It was as if there was an invisible battlefield between the two staring individuals, ready to pounce on each other to attack. Like two eagles preying on one thing. It was like the swish of the winds blocked out all the noise of the crowd to further intensify the unspoken challenge between the captain, and the doctor.

And then, Vanya winked.

She turned away from them while she raised her hand to flip her ponytail aside, flaunting her long red locks. The recruits dropped their jaws, their eyes showing a mixture of shock, and adoration. But Levi's unpleasant stare never wavered.

"Spawn of the fucking devil, that one," The captain sneered, watching the woman pull herself up into a carriage that will transport her to the headquarters.

"C-captain--"

"What now?"

Zen trembled, his lips shaking as he uttered the question,

"Are you and Doctor Vanya close?"

Hange could only guffaw, finally falling off her horse.


	3. The Grinch And The Brat

_**The Grinch and the Brat** _

_**Year 848** _ _**  
** _

The infirmary in the Scouts' headquarters was filled with bustling nurses, and doctors tending to each soldier for any signs of injury or sickness. Though there were no recorded deaths for this particular expedition, there were still significant injuries that needed to be accounted for. Some had their legs fractured, some had horrid gashes on their limbs and faces, and there was one case wherein a soldier needed to have one of his arms amputated.

It was truly a stressful day for Vanya. But not as stressful as the previous post-expeditions like that one time when Vanya failed to stop the bleeding of one soldier from his guts where the Titan sunk his teeth into.

Four minutes later, the soldier died in her arms.

She cried the whole night after that, repeating to herself how she was a huge failure.

But now at that very moment, her heart was relieved to see that there won't be any soldier taking their last breath under her watch. She watched how the Scouts interacted happily with the medical staff, and eventually leaving the infirmary with satisfied smiles on their faces.

However, she needed to accept that her line of work is no walk in the park. Being optimistic, and expecting that she could cure anything if she believed enough is foolish. Because this isn't something wherein you can simply gain strength just from giving yourself some pep talk. No, that just doesn't work in the medical field.

Because there were so many moments when Vanya whispered to herself, "You can do this!", before entering the operation room, only to walk out with her heart so heavy when she realized the patient's heart had stopped beating. Countless people may have been saved in her arms, but she also lost count on how many have died under her supervision. She wished the number of deaths she has dealt with didn't exceed the number of fingers. But sadly, even the number of times she told herself she could do it wouldn't suffice.

That's just how the world works. People live, and people die. Was it her fault whenever a patient dies? Contemplating for the answer would only bring more sorrow and self-loathing.

But, she was chosen to be the Head Doctor of the Scouts Regiment for countless reasons. For one, it was undeniable how she was a straight up prodigy in her field. On duty, she worked expeditiously as she performed numerous successful surgeries back to back; she was also credited for most breakthroughs in researches that sought to have advancements in medicines, and discoveries for unknown diseases. Finally, what made her suitable to be a designated military doctor was her instant and efficient response to serious injuries that wasn't simply inflicted by any human being. Because when it's the Titans who are responsible for her patients' injuries, different protocols must be followed. And she has mastered it, perhaps even while she is sleeping.

But there was also another reason as to how she ended up working in the Scout Regiment headquarter; the said reason just so happened to be sitting still in front of her as she flashed a small light into one of his eyeball.

She smiled in content to see there were no signs of any inflammation, distinct discoloration, or unequal dilation.

"Well, you're good to go, Commander."

Commander Erwin Smith returned a curt smile at her. "For the last time, Vanya, you know you can always call me by my name."

"That would be a dishonor to your hard-earned rank," Vanya faked a gasp, pretending that what he just said was something preposterous. She then pulled out a pen from her pocket to scribble down the result of Erwin's results. "Besides, I like saying it. Seems as if I'm part of some cool squad."

"Really now?" Erwin mused as he observed the doctor gingerly writing on her handy clipboard.

"Hmmhmm.." She hummed chirply, her attention still on her clipboard.

"How have you been, Vanya?"

The question from the commander himself caught her off guard as she stopped writing. She looked up from her clipboard to see Erwin staring at her, attentive, but there was a hint of softness in his grey blue eyes. As if he was showing that whatever she was about to say was precious to Erwin. She was used to it -- they go way back after all.

"It's been quite erratic for me these days," She sighed heavily. "You know how expeditions make me feel."

Erwin could perfectly understand how she felt. Every excursion beyond the walls was always a gamble for him. There were no certainties, the future of humanity was still hazy but he could taste the hint of freedom awaiting them: the freedom that lies beyond the protection of the walls. But freedom comes with a great price. And the price comes in the form of bloodied body parts scattered at his feet as he watched his soldiers die before his eyes.

Erwin laid his hand on the Vanya's shoulder reassuringly, and she gratefully accepted it.

"What matters right now is that we're safe," He softly smiled at her. " _He's_ safe."

Hearing that coming from a commander instantly brought a surge of relief into her system. She didn't realize how much tension her body was holding this whole time until she heard his reassuring words.

"Thank you, Erwin."

The door to the infirmary instantly flew open, causing a burst of air to sweep in which almost blew away all the medical equipment and furniture. All the patients and medical staff shuddered, fearing for who might be the intruder.

But behind the door was only the culprit scientist herself, Hange, with one leg raised forward, indicating that she vigorously kicked the door open. Her face adored a sinister smile.

"Vanyaaaa," She sang the doctor's name, staggering towards Vanya's direction before pulling the poor doctor into a suffocating embrace."I've missed you, sweet cheeks."

Vanya groaned at the woman's strong grip. "I-I saw you three days ago."

"Yeah, but still. Three days is still a lot." Hange finally pulled away, letting Vanya free from her grasp. The latter had to catch her breath after having her lungs being tightened from that hug alone. "It's a perfect timing that I saw you with the Commander here."

Erwin sighed, already knowing where this was leading. "Hange, we've talked about this-- "

"Vanya," Hange gripped the doctor's work attire, pulling Vanya into her face. "You're the only one who can convince him."

"Wha--?"

"He will listen to you!" The brunette said in a pleading tone. "Our plan, remember? To have alive Titans under our custody?"

Vanya had to remind herself that she also worked part-time alongside Hange in her Titans research. And that is precisely why her role in this division was indispensable. Her abilities were well-rounded, and versatile that she proved herself to be useful in hospitals, and labs. She may not be physically adept -- she has the worst coordination -- but she was proficient when it comes to scientific research.

And she did remember discussing with Hange before their expedition the possibility of having a Titan as a specimen for their study. Oh the opportunities it could open when that happens. But at that time, Vanya wasn't confident. She already knew that Erwin would strongly oppose the plan.

But it was humanity over the commander's approval.

Vanya faced Erwin who was already looking at them disapprovingly. "Just think about it."

"I can't afford to lose more men, you know that."

Vanya untangled herself from Hange's grasp to lean down closer to Erwin's tenacious stare. "It's a dangerous risk, I know. But your previous gambles were far more dangerous."

"At least 20 people died the last time they tried to capture one," He said sternly.

"Then you should listen to Hange's idea. She has a plan that can allow you to capture more than one titan without having any casualty."

At this point, Vanya's eyes were filled with desperation. She knew she was already shamelessly begging because when she looked down, she wasn't aware how her hands were already gripping the commander's hands.

"Please."

If she was any other soldier, she would have been called out for disrespect towards her own superior right there. No one could even dare have physical contact with a man holding such rank. But she wasn't his subordinate. She was his dearest friend who reminded him of someone he cherished who was now long gone.

"I'll think about it." Erwin stared at his large hands that were secured in Vanya's dainty ones before he reluctantly pulled away and stood up from his sitting position, not being able to withstand her touch any longer.

Vanya was bewildered at his action as if her touch seethed his skin. She had to admit, it kinda hurt, but she knew enough to hide that.

And so, she smiled. Not politely like how a doctor would offer her patient. She smiled ruefully at the man whom she thought she once loved in the past, only to realize that he was just not meant for her. She just couldn't see Erwin that way the more she grew into the mature woman she was now.

Vanya wasn't able to utter her gratitude because he was already walking away.

"I'll see you when I see you, Vanya. Hange, we have a debriefing to do."

And then he was gone.

Hange, who just witnessed the whole interaction between the two, bounced on her feet enthusiastically because finally, the Commander was now considering their proposal. There was no guarantee of its approval, but there's a start.

"Oh, Vanya. I knew that would work," Hange wrapped her arms around Vanya's shoulder from behind. The latter yelped, losing her balance as her body fell backwards and into the brunette's chest. It was a good thing Hange was strong to maintain her balance. "I owe you one, sweet cheeks."

"I feel so used. What a friend," Vanya deadpanned, no longer struggling because there was no use. The scientist was too strong.

And the said scientist was also well aware of her past with Erwin. Only a small circle in the squad knew. And yet, Hange Zoe was also smart enough to utilize that information to her advantage in her work.

"I can't believe you used our past to get what you want!"

"It's what _we_ want," Hange pointed out, releasing her. "Besides, whatever happened stays in the past. Plus, you're married and quite successful now, and he's the most respected figure in the regiment, You're both moving forward."

"I suppose..." Vanya thought out loud before snapping back to her reality. "Anywho, I think our job here is about done."

She turned to one of the nurses who just finished patching up one soldier whose head was crowned with thick layers of bandages. Poor guy must have fallen from a certain height, and got himself a nasty concussion.

"Rina, have all the soldiers undergone post check-up? It's past noon now."

Rina, the petite blonde-haired nurse, perked up when she realized that the Head Doctor herself was acknowledging her, a mere newly graduated nurse who's on her first day serving in the military.

"I-I'll check, Head Doctor!" She squeaked before scampering away for a moment to grab the list that holds all the soldiers who participated in today's expedition.

Hange whistled, impressed by her friend's influence. "Wow, didn't know you can actually make other people nervous."

"Hey!" Vanya shouted, clearly offended. "I can assert my authority if I want to. I can be scary too, I'll have you know."

"Keep saying that, sweet cheeks. Maybe it'll come true."

"Why you --"

"U-uhmm, Head Doctor?"

It was awkward how Rina had to witness her own superior thrashing her arms around in an attempt to pull Hange's hair. But sadly, Hange was tall and built that it took only one hand to push Vanya's small face away while the doctor relentlessly pushed forward, about to tackle her friend to the ground.

Vanya froze, hearing the nurse as Rina caught the duo about to engage into an ugly brawl. Swiftly, Vanya stumbled for a moment, stood up straight, fixed her now ruffled clothing, and cleared her throat as if she didn't look like a crazed animal seconds ago. "Yes, dear?"

Rina was still in shock, not speaking.

"You were right, Vanya. You _can_ scare people." Hange sniggered, but quickly shut up when Vanya shot her a death glare.

"Uhmm," Rina finally spoke, but her tone was hesitant. "Not everyone has gone through the required post check-up."

"WHAT?!"

The nurse winced, hearing the Head Doctor raise her voice for the first time. Vanya's shriek reverberated throughout the room that all the nurses, and doctors jumped in fear.

They knew that their Head Doctor didn't like it when things don't go usually as planned. The respectable woman valued management, time, effort, discipline, and most of all, compliance. And when something violates one of those, they already knew that it doesn't usually end well with Vanya Ronan.

Vanya's darkened face was completely covered by her bangs all while she was emitting a guttural sound in her throat, like a she-wolf about to pounce on a rabbit for dinner.

 _Oh, damn, she can be scary_. Hange slowly inched away from the woman who was fizzing with growing rage.

"Who is it, dear?" The Head Doctor asked, rather sweetly, but deep down, there's no mistaking the passive aggressive tone.

Vanya looked up to reveal her face from her bangs -- a sinister expression with her lips curled upward into a creepy smile.

"It's ---"

"Nevermind, don't tell me." Vanya raised her hand, signalling the nurse to stop. "I already know who it is."

She then turned to face Hange, who was already at the corner of the room, trembling from Vanya's alter ego. "Hange, dear, could you kindly fetch that soldier for his check-up?"

Even if Vanya used a sickly sweet tone, Hange stumbled upon her words. "R-right away!"

She even saluted to the doctor before scurrying out of the infirmary.

Vanya stood still for a moment before she sighed heavily as she slowly dropped her sinister expression, sinking onto the reclined bed. She raked her hair in hopes that this gesture would calm herself down and relieve her exhaustion.

While the Scouts were away, she was particularly not having the best time in her work. As a well-rounded doctor, she too had a bountiful of responsibilities which also involves a lot of travelling back and forth. On the weekdays, she was mostly at her main clinic in Trost, treating the citizens there. Occasionally at weeknights, she would travel to the interior, help out in the research facilities, and collaborate in writing research papers. On weekend mornings, she would facilitate basic medical workshops for the Training Corps. And for the rest of the afternoon, she would help out Hange in her Titans research, and tend to any injuries whenever an expedition has concluded. But since major expeditions only happen no more than 10 times a year, her treatment services are mostly offered to soldiers who get injured during their training for their future expeditions.

 _At this point, I think I might die early not because I'd get eaten by a Titan but by fatigue._ She begrudgingly thought while rubbing her temples. Only 25 years old and she has already significantly contributed to society but at the strenuous cost of her energy and time. Though she knew that her job was incredibly taxing, she's proud to say that she loved doing it and she firmly believed that it was her purpose in saving humanity.

And she doesn't need a sword or a 3D maneuver gear just to be able to fulfill that.

"Doctor Vanya?"

Snapping out of her thoughts, she looked up to see the young familiar recruit she'd frequently interact with in the headquarters. The soldier was tall, quite lanky, but his figure seemed built enough to be able to withstand the momentum and flexibility needed to operate the ODM gear. Though he had wavy grey hair that was tied into a tiny ponytail, his brown eyes could tell her that he was younger than her. She estimated that he was no more than 20 years old. She thought of asking him later on for his age.

She eyed his right arm that was now covered in a cast, to which she smiled, satisfied by whoever treated it. "Hey, Zen! How's your arm now?"

Zen's face instantly flushed, seeing how the doctor beamed at him with her signature warm smile. "I-it's better now!"

"That's good news," Vanya giggled, standing up to pat the soldier's cheek which turned even redder. "You did come in a while ago poorly bandaged. Were you even listening during my workshops?"

Zen grimaced, embarrassed for himself for disappointing her. "I swear, doctor, I was! We just didn't have enough time to do it properly, doctor. Titans were already after us."

"Oh my!" Vanya gasped. "Well, a fractured arm is better than being swallowed whole, after all. I'm glad you're safe."

"I was hoping... I was hoping that you would be the one to treat it." Zen stammered while avoiding her gaze.

"Oh? Did Nurse Cecille do a bad job at it?"

"No! Not at all! It's just I'd rather --"

"FOUND HIM!"

Hange appeared once again with a loud entrance, surprising the people in the infirmary for the upteenth time.

"Hange, you really should stop scaring my people." Vanya shot an irritated face.

"My presence deserves a grand entrance, excuse me," Hange rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I got you your soldier."

Then, the chirpy woman stepped aside to reveal the raven haired man whose face was as grouchier as ever and grey eyes as dull as can be. His arms were crossed on his chest and his head turned sideways, avoiding everyone's gaze and clearly showing that he didn't want to be in the room.

Levi Ackerman's presence alone made Zen's eye twitch in fear.

"My, my, my," Vanya hummed, clapping her hands together as her sickly sweet smile returned. "If it isn't the grinch himself."

"Tsk," The captain gritted his teeth in annoyance. "What do you want, brat?"

"Oh please, you think I want to do this? It's protocol, idiot." Vanya scowled while Zen was flabbergasted to hear the doctor speak like that to his own superior. "Now, Hange, could you kindly bring that man over here?"

"Of course, doctor." Hange grinned cheekily before roughly pushing the exasperated man towards the infirmary bed where Vanya stood.

As Levi stood by the bed, he remained standing, refusing to sit. Vanya clicked her tongue disapprovingly before harshly pushing his shoulders down so that he was finally sitting on the bed. "That's better."

Zen couldn't believe seeing Captain Levi acting so childishly before the doctor.

"Now if you'll excuse us," Vanya turned to Zen and Hange. "I have a check-up to do."

She smirked before drawing the curtains around the bed to a close, finally shielding themselves from the rest of the infirmary.

"Time to leave, recruit." They heard Hange say.

"B-but -- "

"Come on, buddy!"

A few sounds that resembled someone pushing the other one was heard before it finally disappeared, followed by the sound of the door shutting.

"Now," Vanya turned around to face her patient who still had his arms crossed and eyes averted away from her. "Where were we?"

She was glad that he was sitting down because this meant that she slightly towered over him. Because when he's standing up straight, both of them were actually equal in height. Vanya thought how funny it was to be as tall -- or short, rather -- as Humanity's Strongest.

"I'm completely fine." Levi huffed.

She ignored him, proceeding to check his temperature, signs of bruises or wounds, sprains, fractures, or anything that was out of normalcy.

"Do you feel dizzy?"

"No."

"Light-headed?"

"No."

"Experienced any complications with breathing?"

"No."

"Didn't catch a cold or anything on the way here?"

"No."

"Have trouble sleeping?"

Levi could only pause, still avoiding her gaze and his dreary gaze beginning to come undone.

"I thought so." Vanya mumbled, before untangling her stethoscope.

She didn't need any permission from him as she leaned in, laid one hand on his shoulder to keep him still and another hand to press the diaphragm of the stethoscope on his chest.

Levi didn't even budge at the contact or how close her face was to his. He can sense her calm breathing slightly prickling the skin of his neck. She smelled like lavender, the cologne she'd always wear. Her hand on his shoulder was light, steady, but warm. He couldn't help but relax at their proximity.

He didn't budge, and simply because he was already used to it.

And out of nowhere, he caught a whiff of peppermint on her as she drew even closer to move the stethoscope to the other side of his chest. Peppermint tea -- he surmised.

 _"It's to ease the bloating, silly!" She had retorted after taking a sip one time when he pointed it out during lunch_.

"How was the expedition?"

Levi averted his gaze at her to see her eyes still focused, intensively concentrating on the rhythm of his heartbeat.

"Nobody died but we still achieved nothing," was all he said.

"Oh?" Vanya briefly looked up with one eyebrow raised before turning her attention back to his chest.

"We tried to salvage the old headquarters in Wall Maria," He said bitterly, recalling the gruesome scene when their troops arrived at a place that was once theirs. "The place's full of 'em lurking around, didn't even buy us time to retrieve the important documents. We had to abort. It was useless, the whole expedition was useless."

Vanya didn't comment right away, still silently inspecting his chest through her stethoscope.

"Breathe in and out for me, will you?" She whispered softly.

Levi nonchalantly complied, taking a deep breath before releasing it to exhale slowly. He looked at her after doing it, wordlessly asking if that was already enough. She shook her head in a way that commanded him to keep doing it. And so, he did this cycle of inhaling and exhaling several times; and in each time, his breathing became even steadier as before.

_Inhale... Exhale... Inhale... Exhale._

For some reason, Levi felt a bubble of comfort and peace surrounding him. It was as if the air around him shifted into a whole new aura that was light and soothing. As he continued to breathe in and out deeply and slowly, he became more wary of the soft grip of the doctor's hand on his shoulder as if it was gently coaxing him to continue breathing, to continue relaxing. To tell him that everything will be okay.

At this very moment, he felt safe.

Then, he opened his eyes ( _Since when did I close them?_ Levi thought.) to the sight of Vanya whose eyes still affixed on his chest but her soft smile looked like she was pleased at the man's breathing exercise. And then it hit him.

She wasn't checking his lungs or heart -- she was trying to calm him down.

Slowly, Vanya slowly moved away whilst removing the earpieces of the stethoscope to lay the device on the table next to the bed. When she lifted her hand from his shoulder, Levi felt a slight disappointment as he realized that he shamelessly wanted the doctor's gentle touch to linger for a bit longer.

"Well, you're cleared. You're free to go now," Vanya stated, grabbing the clipboard to jot down Levi's results. Then, she looked up at him with mischief in her eyes. "Captain."

"Hmm," Levi replied, shifting back to his usual grumpy facade.

He stood up from the bed while Vanya drew the curtains open for him. The only people left in the infirmary were a few nurses, and doctors cleaning up, and packing their medical tools into the cabinets. However, Hange was still seated on one of the beds at the opposite side of the room as Nurse Rina was about to wrap up her check-up. They both curiously observed the head doctor and the captain who just appeared behind the curtain.

"Doctor," Levi nodded curtly, straightening his brown vest, before whipping around to take his leave.

"Oh, another thing," Vanya added, but this time, her face was even more taunting than ever. She didn't care that the whole infirmary could hear them. Levi looked over his shoulder to listen to what she had to say.

"What, brat?"

"It's your turn for supper duties."

Levi's jaw dropped. "Are you serious, woman?"

"The hell, I am. That's what you get for not waking me up before you left for the expedition, idiot."

Nurse Rina widened her eyes in disbelief. Did she hear that right? And Hange was still seated, trying to bite back a laugh and the temptation to tease.

"Oh and while you're at it," Vanya said in a singsong voice, "You do the dishes for the rest of the week."

And then, she blew him a kiss and giggled.

At that moment, Nurse Rina was on the verge of fainting as she witnessed that.

"Tsk," Levi gripped his knuckles tightly to keep his temper, partially ignoring the cheesy gesture Vanya just pulled. But deep down, his heart skipped a beat as he mustered all his strength to show that he was not at all deterred by the doctor's charm.

"Miss Hange?" Rina asked with a small voice.

"Yeah?"

"Are Captain Levi and Head Doctor Vanya close?"

Hange watched the interaction before her. Levi was already making a beeline for the exit when Vanya waved at him, "See you at home, grinch," she said mockingly but if whoever listens closely, they would maybe catch the fond and loving tone underlying the insult.

Levi didn't reply but he raised his right hand to wave back nonchalantly without looking at the doctor as he made his way out.

And if whoever looks closely, they would maybe catch the glint from the silver band on Levi's ring finger the moment the light hit his waving hand -- the same shining effect that glimmered from the matching silver band that was on Vanya's finger when she waved.

"Yeah. Yeah, they are." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, now you have a clear picture of Vanya and Levi's real relationship ;)
> 
> So 3 things have been revealed in this chapter. 
> 
> 1.) Vanya's age in year 848 is 25 years old. Meaning, by the time the actual Attack On Titan storyline proper happens (starting from the Fall of Wall Maria), she'd be 27 by then. In this fanfic, there's a 3 year age gap between Levi and Vanya. I ASSUMED that Levi is exactly 30 years old by the time the Fall occurs. 
> 
> 2.) VANYA AND ERWIN HAD A JUICY PAST OOOOOOF. It will be explained in the future chapters hehehehe. 
> 
> 3.) Yes, Vanya and Levi are the same height HAHAHA maybe Vanya would be a few centimeters taller even bc shoes back then have heels. 
> 
> Soo that's it for today's chapter!! Love you lots hehehe
> 
> frankie x


	4. A New Calling

**_ A New Calling _ **

**_Year 850: Five days after the Battle of Trost_ **

_"H-h-help... m-me..."_

_"It's there! It's right fucking there! Hurry before it eats us alive!"_

_"Papa! Papa, where are you?"_

_"This is it... It's just like 5 years ago... it's over for us."_

_"Miss! Y-you're that doctor right? Please help my son, you have to help him!"_

_"I-I -- "_

_"PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU, HE'S DYING!"_

_"I-I'm... s-sorry..."_

"We've arrived now, Doctor."

In a snap, Vanya was pulled back to her reality when the door of the carriage pulled open. She blinked a few times to assess where she was, what was happening, and why she was in a carriage in the first place.

"Ma'am." A Military Police called out again impatiently as he held the door open. "We've arrived at the courthouse."

 _Right_... Vanya slowly regained to her senses.

It slowly came back to her now. This morning, she was at the evacuation center within Wall Rose, treating dozens, and dozens of families who had been gravely impacted by the battle that ensued in Trost five days ago. It was utterly chaotic, the horrendous memory was still vividly ingrained at the back of her mind, sending chills down every vertebrae of her spine. It ominously reminded her that humanity was once again back to square one. What had transpired five days ago was the exact same thing that happened five years ago in Shiganshina.

And what's worst of all, her main clinic that just so happened to stand where the chaos occurred was completely demolished. When she returned to Trost the day after to collect the bodies, the first thing she did was to run to the street where her clinic stood. But she was only greeted by the sight of her clinic that once stood tall but was now ruined into pieces. All her hard-earned work and most prized possessions were now down in the dumps. To think that she spent all her years and energy just to have the clinic that she had dreamt for so long, only to have that one dream end up in a havoc caused by those Titans.

She could only emptily stare at her now devastated clinic that once made her feel on top of the world but its wooden parts and stones now lay on the bottom of her feet, making her feel like she was the one who was back to square one.

Vanya did everything it could take to hold back the uncomfortable churning in her stomach. She couldn't afford to vomit all over the interior of the carriage right now.

Before she was in the carriage, she was busying herself that morning as she was replacing the bandages on a civilian whose head got repeatedly stomped after getting caught in a stampede. Then, a Military Police had approached her.

"Doctor Vanya Ronan, your immediate presence at the courthouse has been requested by the Scout Regiment." The soldier had said to her.

Vanya was bewildered for a moment at the news. For a second, she thought of turning the request down (She had always found those MP's to be quite suspicious.) but the mention of the Scouts alarmed her. "But there is still a line of civilians needed to be trea -- "

"Commander Smith made himself clear," The man emphasized his words harshly. "You are to be delivered there immediately."

Vanya grimaced as she surveyed the horde of injured families before her, aching to have their turn to be treated by the famous doctor.

"We'll take it from here, Doctor," A nurse named Sara appeared beside her. The nurse had a kind smile but fatigue was written all over her eyes. She was one of those veteran nurses assigned to help out Vanya for the past few days as they consolidated the corpses scattered all over Trost.

"Are you sure?" Vanya asked dubiously,

"Yes. Your business seems urgent."

"It is," The police grunted. "I don't mean to be rude, Doctor, but the trial is about to conclude."

 _The trial of Eren Jaeger_. _Right, that was today. How could I forget?_ Vanya mentally wanted to slap herself.

She was there in the Scouts' headquarters when the commotion of wanting to gain custody of the Titan shifter emerged. At that time, she was silently watching everyone behind the scenes. Ever since the success of retaking Trost, the Scout Regiment had been bustling to get answers on what's next for humanity, now that they have a Titan on their side.

But why did Erwin Smith want her to be at the place where the trial was? She was just a doctor, after all -- she needed to find out.

"Okay, let's go." Vanya nodded determinedly.

"Oh, and there's another request from the Commander."

"And what may that be?"

"He said to bring your first aid kit," The Military Police had told her. "And lots of ice."

And that pretty much explains how Vanya ended up stepping down the carriage she was in with one hand carrying her trustee physician's bag that carried all her supplies, while her other hand held a cooler filled with ice.

"Let me help you with that, ma'am!"

The soldier who was holding the door for her offered a hand and Vanya willingly handed him the cooler.

"What's in this?" The man lifted the cooler to inspect it. Then, he shook it cautiously to hear the clattering sound of the content within.

"It's just ice."

"And what will you be needing the ice for in a courthouse?"

"Honestly?" Vanya looked up to see the intricate architecture of the courthouse in front of her before sighing despondently.

"I have absolutely no idea."   
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The holding room was silent, save for the flinching sounds that emitted from Eren Jaeger as Vanya pressed a cotton smothered with ointment to his beaten up face. The other side of his face, however, had an ice pack pressed firmly to it.

It turned out, the ice was useful in the courthouse.

"You poor little thing." She frowned, her eyes looking so concerned for the 15 year old.

"Man, talk about harsh," Hange leaned down to have a closer look at Eren. "I bet it hurts."

"A little," Eren suddenly winced when Vanya pressed the cotton a bit too hard on one area.

"Oops, sorry," Vanya didn't really look so sorry. "Guess I'm just a little iffy about the fact that someone would do this to you."

She shot a menacing look at the man who was responsible for Eren's battered condition before shifting back to Eren with worried eyes.

Levi silently leaned against the wall as he scrutinized the way the doctor nursed Eren with great efficiency and gentleness. He was already familiar with how Vanya would always take care of her patients as if they were her children. It was something he had secretly grown to be fond of.

"Sorry about that," Erwin spoke up apologetically, approaching Vanya to lay a hand on her shoulder. "It's the only thing we could do to have him in our custody."

"You make him sound like a pet," Vanya said scornfully, shrugging her shoulder to remove Erwin's hand before finishing up Eren's treatment. Harshly, she stuffed her tools into her bag and proceeded to sit beside Eren on the sofa with a huff. Erwin could only sigh, knowing how this woman was sometimes a bit too headstrong to deal with.

"No, it's okay!" Eren spluttered defensively. "It had to be done. The pain was worth it."

"It let us play our trump card when it would be most effective," Erwin then kneeled down in front of the boy and held out a hand. "You have my admiration."

Vanya looked as shocked as Eren, eyeing Erwin's hand.

"Eren, I look forward to working with you," Erwin's deep blue eyes sparked amiably.

"R-right! Thank you, sir!" Eren gawked before shaking the commander's hand.

They didn't notice the raven-haired captain plopping down on the sofa next to Vanya a bit too hard, which startled the boy. Levi leaned back, stretched his arm on the backrest behind Vanya and crossed his legs.

Vanya secretly rolled her eyes at how smug he seemed. "You're scaring the boy," she muttered.

Unfortunately, Levi caught her look but decided to ignore it and direct his attention to Eren.

"Tell me, Eren."

"Y-yes, sir!"

"Do you resent me?" Levi narrowed his eyes intensively.

"N-no," Eren replied, dejected. "I understand it was a necessary performance."

The captain looked satisfied at his answer. "Good then," he slumped even further into his seat.

"Eren may not resent you, but I do. Even more now, as a matter of fact," Vanya crossed her arms bitterly. Even more did she feel irritated because now, she was sandwiched between Eren and Levi on the sofa. Who does the captain think he is for taking up so much space for someone so small? "You didn't have to go so far, you know."

"No one asked you, brat," Levi retaliated, mimicking the same irritated tone but subtly scooting closer to her side until their thighs were touching.

"Oy, how dare you --" Vanya raised her hand to smack the back of Levi's head.

"Aish, woman, what was that for?!"

"-- speak like that to your wife?"

Eren nearly fell off his seat. "Ehhh?!"

Everyone in the room looked at Eren with confusion even Mike Zacharias, who was at the corner of the room with his attention elsewhere, eyed the kid like he was some sort of alien.

"What? You didn't know?" Hange said in disbelief, although she could understand why the boy didn't know.

Levi and Vanya Ronan weren't really the most outwardly affectionate couple.

Erwin stood up and walked to the back of the room, not particularly interested in the conversation.

"B-but," Eren stuttered with utter confusion. "Your last name... it isn't..."

"Whatever his last name is?" Vanya raised an eyebrow, clearly entertained at the boy's reaction. "Sorry to disappoint you, darling."

The doctor no longer said anything more than that when she felt Levi tensing up beside her. Vanya knew that the topic of family origins wasn't something Levi was fond of dipping his toes into. 

"Oh, I see..." Eren nodded reluctantly. Of course, he was well aware of the doctor's reputation even prior to this meeting. The first time he had formally met her was when he attended one of her medical workshops during his time in the Training Corps. But he felt like he had already met her way before then.

"But to appease your curiosity, I'd rather be recognized by my own name, and by my own achievements, thank you very much," She said proudly. "I've grown sick of how a woman's identity is always tied to the name of another man. Men think they're that special, huh?" she turned to her husband with a smirk.

"That's ridiculous," Mike snapped from the corner of the room.

"You sound hurt," Vanya smiled mischievously at him. "Did the shoe fit, perhaps?"

Hange laughed with her whole chest ("Amen!" she praised.) while Erwin finally failed to hold his amusement for the headstrong doctor.

Though Levi still kept his bored expression, deep down, he felt so proud to be called by this woman _hers_. Vanya never failed to amaze him with her intelligence, and the way she brought herself up not just with grace, but with determination, and the right kind of empowerment. And never once he felt insecure by the doctor's strength. Because, why would he? He had a strong woman, who's capable of making her own decision and legacy, as his wife. There was no room in their marriage for his masculine ego to be trampled -- no, Levi would never feel his ego being threatened around her because there was no ego to begin with. This marriage wasn't a competition between a man and a woman. He's already happy enough to love an empowered woman and share a lifetime with her.

And he had felt that for a very long time, even way back during their dark days in the Underground.

He dropped his arm that rested on the backrest to snake around Vanya's waist -- an action he rarely does since he wasn't one for public display of affection.

"Come on, it's the year 850. Women are better off with their own names, you know," Vanya rolled her eyes, instinctively leaning closer to Levi as a response to his arm around her waist. "I mean, Levi, why don't _you_ change your name? Levi Ronan... sounds pretty cool to me."

Eren curiously glanced at Levi to observe how the captain would react, expecting some sort of sarcasm or an insult to throw back.

But to Eren's surprise, Levi only shrugged, "I don't see why not."

Never in Eren's life had he seen a relationship so healthy.

"By the way," Hange piped in, holding out a hand with a napkin. "Levi, you knocked Eren's teeth out," she unfolded the napkin to reveal Eren's tooth still smeared with his blood

Vanya gasped and then glared at Levi, furious at the extent of violence Levi treated Eren with.

"Don't pick that up, it's disgusting." Levi hissed, ignoring the glare of his wife.

"This is a precious sample of its own," Hange remarked.

"Hmmm, actually," Vanya agreed, leaning closer to inspect the tooth.

"Oy, four eyes, look what you did to Vanya," The captain muttered, cringing at how close Vanya was to Eren's slimy and bloody teeth. "Be thankful you aren't getting dissected by people like them, Eren."

"Don't compare us to them," Vanya said, expressing her disdain for that one particular regiment.

"We'd never kill, Eren." Hange added.

"Eren, dear," The doctor called softly, finding the boy so fragile. "Can I see the inside of your mouth?"

Eren nodded, opening his mouth wide open to the doctor. Vanya peered in and whatever that was inside his mouth, it made her gasp that everyone in the room began to feel curious.

"Now, I'm no dentist or anything but," Vanya's eyes widened. "I don't think the tooth should have grown back by now."

"What?" Hange scooted closer to take a good look. And the doctor was right, Eren had a complete set of teeth again. "T-the tooth... has already grown back."

"So you can regenerate? Like a typical Titan?" Vanya asked, amazed.

"He is a Titan, brat." Levi retorted.

"Right, I forgot," Vanya chuckled. "Now I get why the Scouts are so desperate to take you in."

"Which brings us to why you're here, Vanya," Erwin finally spoke up. His tone resounded his authority. "We need your help."

Vanya scrunched her forehead in bewilderment. "Me? How can I help?"

"With your excellent knowledge on the human biology, and your interest in Hange's Titans research, we figured that you'd be suitable to take care of Eren's health and the nature of his powers."

"Wait," Vanya was now overwhelmed. "You want me to take responsibility for the boy?"

Not that Vanya didn't want it but everyone should have already known that the doctor already had a lot on her plate. She was a hustler, after all.

"Your clinic was overrun by the Titans, right?"

She looked up, surprised to know that Erwin got a hold of that information. His blue eyes stared back at her strongly but she can see how he was trying his best to hide his concern.

_Of course, he'd know._

"Yeah..." She mumbled wistfully. She felt Levi's fingers on her waist stroking her side, a tiny way of him consoling her.

"While your clinic is being restored, for the meantime, you can work full time at the headquarters."

Hearing this sparked something in Vanya. This was a big decision to make that can potentially change the way she'll live. She needed more time to discern as she remembered the horde of injured civilians waiting for her this morning. A lot of people needed her, she couldn't deny that. But working full time at the headquarters would mean that she will rarely offer her services to the civilians, now that she'd stay at the Scouts 24/7.

She looked around her to see everyone gazing at her, their stares prodding her to make a decision. She wanted more time.

But at the same time, the fate of humanity lies on the very hands of the 15 year old boy seated beside her. She needed more time to think but the world can no longer offer more time. At any moment, the Colossal Titan and the Armored Titan could breach Wall Rose and wipe out maybe more than half of humanity's population.

"We could give you more ti-- "

"No," Vanya voiced out, her tone laced with the strength that she has come to know after years of spending a rough childhood in the Underground.

"I'll take care of Eren." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There was no room in their marriage for his masculine ego to be trampled -- no, Levi would never feel his ego being threatened around her because there was no ego to begin with." WE LOVE A FEMINIST LEVI!!!!
> 
> Oh and yes, Vanya is from the Underground. But more on that later on ;) 
> 
> I would appreciate if you leave comments or feedbacks!!
> 
> Love you all hehe
> 
> frankie x


	5. To Worship The Stars

**_ To Worship The Stars _ **

**_Year 850: The Night before The Battle of Trost_ **

The wind blew through the dark and serene night as it swept along the fields of a vast land filled vibrant green grasses -- though the luscious greenery didn't seem to be that evident at that time of the day. The dark grey clouds glided on the dusky sky, slowly revealing the gloomy gleam of the moon.

And from there, the moon casted its light on a small two-story cottage made of cobblestones that stood by the roadside. On one side of the cottage was a small farmhouse which housed a few chickens and two horses. On the other side laid a garden that was lined with a variety of herbs, and notable plants that had its special medicinal purposes.

The window on the second floor was wide open, allowing the gush of the evening breeze to enter into the master's bedroom, and brush the long red hair of a woman who sat by the window.

Vanya continued to gaze at the night sky that was now adorned with the multitude twinkling of the stars. She sat cross-legged on the bed that was pushed to the wall, where the window was. She was wearing a cream-colored nightgown and her long auburn that was usually tied in a ponytail was let down to cascade over her shoulders and her whole back. There was a candle on the nightstand that lit a faint source of warm light, just enough to provide luminosity for her to read her book, which now laid forgotten by her side. The moon and the stars were just too beautiful that she had to stop her reading just to marvel at it.

Even after 6 years of finally living above ground, free from the shackles of the below, she never got tired of witnessing how endless the skies stretched above her. When she was a child, the only sight that would greet her whenever she looked up would only be the grimy underside of Mitras. There was no telling if it was day or night time. All she knew that all her life, she was encaged under a roof -- or rather, a floor, the floor of a thriving district in the interior to be exact.

The door behind her opened, and in went Vanya's husband whose dark hair still damp from taking a bath. He wore a loose white long sleeve shirt paired with dark brown trousers, the complete opposite state of the Scouts uniform he would always sport during the day time. Levi meticulously gazed at the back of his wife's figure, whose attention was once again on the sky outside the window. He'd always catch her doing that every night. Sometimes, he would jump at her to scare her out of spite (It always ends up grudgingly, with Levi being ordered to sleep on the floor.) but most of the time, he would just stand still from where he was.

Just so while Vanya was marvelling at the beauty of the moon and the stars, Levi was there to marvel at the beauty of her moonlit face and her starstruck eyes.

He sauntered further into the room, noticing how Vanya didn't budge a muscle. Even if the latter already sensed that he had just entered the room. Levi stood by the nightstand, leaned down, and blew the candle as darkness filled the bedroom.

"Hey," Vanya finally looked at him, her expression calm. "I was reading," she nodded to the book beside her.

"No, you weren't," Levi replied blankly, dropping onto the bed beside her. "I need the lights out. Early day tomorrow."

Vanya didn't need any further explanation. She was well aware of the fact that Levi had another expedition the next day. The Scouts were about to embark in yet another dangerous mission to salvage whatever that was left beyond the Wall Rose and into the Titan territory. And because of Vanya's uncontrollable anxiety knowing that her husband was always risking his life, Commander Smith would always allow Levi to spend every night before an expedition at their very own abode a few miles away from Trost.

"Fine," she mumbled, yet remained unmoving from her sitting position. She still wanted to watch the skies a bit more.

"Okay."

Levi lied down as the promise of sleep was calling out to him. He had a long, and exhausting day that was filled with last minute preparations, consolidation of supplies, and endless instructions from his blonde commander. He had all the respect for Erwin but sometimes, Levi _really_ gets tired of hearing his voice all the time.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he turned to see Vanya still in the same position: sitting cross-legged with her back slumped and her piercing emerald green eyes entranced by the dark night. Ever since they had gotten this cottage after they got married, their days would usually end with this exact same scene. Him staring at her staring at something so distant. While Vanya's mind wandered to the dreams of having to touch the stars with her fingertips, Levi, on the other hand, wondered what it's like to tap into her head. He always noticed that every night, his wife's thoughts were somewhere else. And he wanted to be that person to catch every single piece of those thoughts, treasure it into his heart, and protect them.

_I'm leaving tomorrow and she doesn't want to lie down beside me? Brat..._

"Vanya," he called out with his usually gruff voice but his tone tranquil as the wind.

It was silent for a moment, except for the air that continued to blow into their room.

"Hmmm?"

"Why do you always look at the stars?" he asked with steady eyes. "And don't give me the cliché answer."

Vanya finally faced him, her eyes glinted dimly in the darkness. She bemusedly stared into his grey stormy eyes that were looking right back into hers -- soft but curious. Then, she chuckled with her eyes closed, "I pray to them, silly."

This caught Levi by surprise. "You pray to the stars? Isn't that as weird as those cults worshipping the walls?"

"Hmm, perhaps," Vanya mused before turning back to the window. "We all gotta believe in something that's beyond our human understanding, right?"

"To think that I'm hearing this from a doctor," The man scoffed. He wasn't one for being spiritual; the concept of an omnipotent entity was all absurd to him.

"Science doesn't always explain everything, sweetheart."

And then, it was silent once again. It was rare for them to have any form of endearment or pet names. Usually (mostly from Vanya), pet names would only be called out as a way to tease or mock the other one. That was usually the dynamic of their marriage: a constant back and forth of them mocking each other but the challenge always seemed to further strengthen their bond.

"What do you pray for anyway?" Levi was dying to catch even just one speck of her thought.

The answer didn't come right away. Vanya might have really liked to make him wait, keep him on the edge. Or maybe, she was just too shy to tell the truth. She took a deep breath.

"That you'd always come back home to me."

 _Oh._ Levi wasn't expecting that. He knew what she had meant. Every single expedition was always a gamble whether he would come home to her safe and sound or end up dying in a Titan's mouth.

"Hmm."

"Seriously?" Vanya whipped her head to him with her forehead scrunched. "That's all you say? I just said something _really_ romantic and cheesy right there."

She had every right to demand. After all, they were rarely the romantic and cheesy couple.

"Seems to me that you'd rather pray to a ball of gas than believe in me," Levi retorted. "I'm undefeatable, in case you have forgotten."

"I do believe in you, idiot," Vanya replied bluntly. At this point, her face was gradually morphing into a scowl. But not just any scowl -- a scowl that was desperate to let the person know that she was frustrated of every burden put into her. "You know who else I believed in?"

Levi cocked a single eyebrow, signalling her to continue.

"Isabel and Furlan."

He could only stare, unsure of what to say. Vanya's eyes brimmed with a whirlpool of anger, sadness, longing, and most of all, regret. Levi always thought that the color green signified life and energy. The same shade that he would always see in the fields where their house stood, or the garden Vanya would painstakingly nourish.

But her green eyes only glimmered with the death of a distant memory she once held dearest.

And so, Levi swallowed every ounce of his pride and said, "I'm sorry."

Sorry for being dense. Sorry for not understanding why she just loved the stars a bit too much. Sorry for triggering the pain that they both had to endure for years.

Sorry for not protecting their best friends because he, too, believed in them to handle the tragic situation on their own. And in the end, believing in your comrades would always be for naught.

"I believe in people, I really do. But sometimes, it's just not enough. Things would still go south," Vanya pondered out loud, not acknowledging Levi's apology.

She continued, "I pray to the stars and the universe, and people worship the walls because we're all scared to admit that we're alone, and at the end of the day, we, humans, can only do so much to protect the ones we love -- we're powerless."

Vanya looked down to avoid his eyes. Her hair fell over her face while the shadows helped cover her face from Levi who was still lying on his back onto the bed.

"But you know," she added, her voice so faint, "the universe may be hiding some tricks on its sleeves, and us believers hold onto those tricks as our sliver of hope. In this world you can never predict what's about to happen. You never know, the Titans might breach the walls tomorrow once again for all we know."

"Sounds like you're all just fooling yourselves with false hope." Levi was _that_ realistic.

"Oh we are, it's crazy," Vanya chuckled, raising her head. Levi was confused that she agreed with his cynical remark.

"But you see, Levi, that's the human in us. We just keep believing and praying. And I know, I just know, that the universe is always listening."

"Hmm, okay."

Levi swiftly sat up from his lying position, gave a look at Vanya, before he faced the window to look up at the night sky. Then, he slowly shut his eyes and stayed like that for a moment.

Vanya widened her eyes as he watched what Levi was doing. He looked breathtaking seeing him like this. The moon casted its light onto his face that was slightly lifted upward, making his jawline appear more prominent and his pale skin glow even at night. With his eyes closed, Vanya couldn't help but think of how angelic he looked. He just looked so soft and peaceful, radiating a childlike wonder, as if the days of his sufferings in the past no longer existed.

Vanya wished she was a painter -- she wanted to take a picture of him and ingrain it into her head forever.

"What are you doing?" She finally asked curiously.

Levi didn't reply and continued to close his eyes as he basked in the glow of the moon while he steadied his breathing. After a few moments, he opened his eyes slowly and turned to Vanya.

"I thought you fell asleep on me for a second," she pouted. "What was that about?"

Levi smirked. "I just prayed to your stupid stars."

 _Oh..._ Vanya furrowed her eyebrows in confusion before laughing tauntingly. "You? Praying to _my_ stars? Didn't you just say that it was weird?"

"Sure," he shrugged nonchalantly. "But like you said, the universe listens. If you say so, then I'll do it."

She couldn't help but blush. She didn't know why she was feeling something tingle into her skin, until it started to tingle at her heartstrings. To think that Levi would actually do something unusual for him just because it was usual to her.

"And what did you pray for?"

"That our chickens may lay more eggs."

"Seriously?" She sighed in defeat. _He is so unbelievable._.

"I was kidding, brat." Levi's lips curled upwards, and a small and timid smile appeared.

"I prayed that you'd always be right there safe waiting for me whenever I come home."

Vanya's eyes dilated. She found herself rummaging in her brain on what to say but even if she did find it, she wouldn't be able to say it. She felt like her throat was stuck. Her mind was in haywire but her heart swelled, touched by his words.

When Levi noticed how speechless she was, he reached for both of her hands and pressed it firmly to his chest. Her small hands were so cold but the heat of his palms and his chest warmed her skin.

He drew his face closer to hers until their noses were only a few inches apart. He stared deeply and resolutely into her eyes.

"Vanya, listen to me," he whispered clandestinely but lovingly, "it may not be enough but believe in me. Don't stop believing in me. You can gamble everything on me and I promise, I'll prove to you that I'll always come back home to you. I promise."

Vanya didn't know what to say. She could remember every single promise that was said to her by her loved ones in the past. They would always tell her that they'd always come back for her and she'd be naive enough to actually believe in them. And so she would always wait for their return. She'd wait, and wait, like the patient and optimistic she was. But in the end, all that would return to her was the taunting greeting of Death which selfishly snatched the life out of her loved ones.

But the longer she stared into Levi's grey eyes, she knew in her heart that he would keep his word. He would burn the promise into his skin if he had to just so he can remind himself that someone out there would be waiting for him as he fights relentlessly.

"Okay." She breathed out.

And before she could say anything else, Levi was already leaning in until his lips finally brushed her own. Instinctively, Vanya closed her eyes as she relished his soft lips on hers and his warm hand that protectively held hers into his chest.

And as the kiss deepened gradually, the night sky seemed to be alive as it watched down on them. Like some magic or mysterious force in the air, the stars seemed to twinkle even brighter and the moon illuminated all the shine that it could give towards the two scared but beautiful and lovestruck people sharing a holy palmers kiss. It was as if the universe listened to their prayers.

Vanya could believe in the stars, the moon or even the Walls itself all she wants. Though the universe may sometimes say otherwise, she will always stay true to the hope that Levi will always return.

Because the stars, no matter where he was in the world, will always guide him to the cobblestone house where she will be standing with arms wide open to welcome him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UWUUUUUUUUUUUU. This was actually quite difficult to write because the conversation was deeper but I didn't want it to be tooooo cheesy. We all know that Levi's seems to not be the romantic type so I tried my best to keep it that way but at the same time, I want him to also express his feelings. After all the creator of AOT, Isayama, said that Levi is actually very emotional.
> 
> So I hope I did his persona justice hehe. Until the next chapter, folks!
> 
> frankie x


	6. The Same Grave Fate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// mentions of death

**_Year 850: The Day of the Battle Of Trost_ **

It had been a busy morning as usual in Trost that day. The kind of busy that felt like the day would go on its mundane and slow course. Vanya thought it was going to be just another day of working tirelessly in her clinic

Though it was only morning, a lot had already happened. At the crack of dawn, Levi left for his expedition. But before he had set foot, he didn't forget to leave a quick kiss on her forehead -- though it may not have been quick because she could hazily remember how his lips lingered for a bit longer. She could consciously remember how she felt his lips brush her ear and whisper brisk but bittersweet words, "I'll be home soon."

She was still asleep at that time but she heard it all. She remembered her mumbling gibberish words, and she could have sworn she heard his husband chuckle and say, "Brat."

And then, he was gone by the time she was fully awake.

She had grown to get used to the feeling of waking up and seeing the empty space beside her. Back then, she would wake up, stare into his absence beside her, and she would start crying. During the early days of Levi's time as a Scout, the Scout Regiment wasn't as fortified as they were now. About 100 soldiers would leave the walls with chins proudly held high but only 30 soldiers would return with their heads sunk in shame.

And every time he was away, Vanya would incessantly pray to her stars that he wouldn't be part of the 30.

Thus, it took 5 years into their marriage for Vanya to get used to it. It was a test of trust after all. She learned that if she wanted their marriage to remain strong, she needed to learn to trust that her husband will stay alive and come back home.

It had been a busy morning as usual in Trost that day. The kind of busy that felt like the day would go on its mundane and slow course. Vanya thought it was going to be just another day of working tirelessly in her clinic

That morning, the 104th batch of the Training Corps had finally graduated. The doctor was beyond elated when she saw the short blonde cadet named Armin visit her clinic to break the news. The boy had been one of her instant favorites when she facilitated her medical workshops. He was bright, sharp, and evidently interested in what she was teaching unlike some of his other fellow cadets who usually dozed off. Clearly most of them weren't as keen in learning how to patch up wounds as compared to learning how to spar with their fellow soldiers in the training grounds.

Armin had arrived that morning at her workplace along with his two best friends, the quiet and reserved Mikasa, and the tenacious son of another renowned doctor, Eren.

"That's wonderful news! I'm so proud of you all," She had said cheerfully at that time, seeing them now transitioning from cadets to recruits. "Now, what brings you to Trost?"

"We were designated to install the cannon on the walls," Eren responded politely.

"Ahh yes," She shrewdly studied Eren, whose father she knew years ago during her medical training. She thought of asking the boy about his father in their future interactions. "I heard they made some fancy developments for those cannons."

"Yeah! For sure, the Titans won't stand a chance now." Armin vivaciously held out his fist.

The doctor giggled at the blonde's high spirit. "Well, I think those nasty Titans won't be breaching us any time soon."

It was supposed to be a light-hearted comment but Eren didn't look so pleased.

"With all due respect, Doctor, I do think we still need to remain vigilant."

Mikasa, who was quiet the whole time, spoke up with a berating tone as if she was taming a pet, "Eren..."

Armin winced at Eren's bluntness and was about to reproach him but the older woman cut him to it, "No, it's okay. Eren's right. Until all those Titans are completely wiped out, we shouldn't relax and turn a blind eye."

The three young cadets stared at Vanya whose now hardened gaze was directed at the outer walls of Trost, shielding them from the Titan territory. She felt the wind pick up as she started feeling a sense of will power building up inside her.

She looked at them with a tight smile. "I'm putting all my trust in you, kids. We all are. You are only humanity's hope now."

Eren looked at her, taken aback by the sudden seriousness in her tone. It sounded intimidating but at the same time, desperate. It was the tone that you can never let down

Then, Eren grinned pertinaciously, "You can count on us, Doctor!"

It had been a busy morning as usual in Trost that day. The kind of busy that felt like the day would go on its mundane and slow course. Vanya thought it was going to be just another day of working tirelessly in her clinic

But she thought wrong.

Because an hour later after the cadets had left her, she was now staring at the head of the Colossal Titan that towered over the outer wall.

**_SMASH!_ **

The gate of the wall suddenly flew away, its pieces hurling all over the place. Vanya had to sickenly witness one large piece crashing right into a civilian, leaving a pool of blood all over the pavement.

Her stomach churned, her breathing hitched, and the next thing she knew, her vision started to blur. The sound of the town's official bell became all too fuzzy in her ears as her mind started to gradually black out from all the disorder that was unfolding in the town. And then, all the worst nightmares that had always haunted her in her sleep came true.

Titans of all shapes and sizes started entering the walls.

"H-h-help... m-me..."

"It's there! It's right fucking there! Hurry before it eats us alive!"

"Papa! Papa, where are you?"

"This is it... It's just like 5 years ago... it's over for us."

Only then she was snapped out of her trance when multiple civilians started shoving her shoulders. She blinked a few times to see the people were pushing into each other, and sprinting towards the gates of Wall Rose. Bloodcurdling screams from all over finally entered into her system as she finally realized -- they were being breached again.

It was the exact same thing that happened from 5 years ago.

"M-miss! MISS! You're that doctor, right?"

A middle-aged woman roughly grabbed her by the shoulder. Her expression was completely petrified that the overwhelmed doctor could only nod reluctantly.

"Help my son! Please, help him! He can't move, he's been crushed!" The woman spat at her face frantically.

"W-what..?"

"We have to hurry, please!" The woman pulled her hand but Vanya's feet were firmly glued to the ground.

"I-I..."

"PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU, HE'S DYING!"

Vanya shakingly peered over the woman's shoulder to see the same man who got crushed by the debris bleeding on the ground a few feet away from her. He was unconscious, unmoving. His upper torso peeked out on the ground but his lower portion was completely covered by the chunk that was once a part of the gate. The pool of blood surrounding him indicated that he was a lost cause.

For a moment, Vanya was ready to run to the man to help him but a gigantic humanoid that was 10 meters high appeared from the corner. The Titan, with its wide mouth and merciless eyes, lumbered forward until it was standing behind the man who was crushed. It then leaned down and grabbed the man before it slowly raised him into his mouth that was already wide open.

"N-no..." Vanya whispered, her breathing beginning to stagger.

It was a gruesome sight. The man's upper body disappeared into the titan's mouth, and then it sunk its teeth into his flesh. The cracking of the bones rang into Vanya's head, and the woman beside her shrieked in horror.

The Titan pulled the remaining lower body that was now oozing with blood away from its mouth and dropped it onto the floor. Satisfied, the titan turned to its new target.

Its eyes then darted towards Vanya's shaking petite body that resembled a priceless sacrificial offering being presented to be devoured under the broad daylight.

_Oh God..._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_"We have to pull out. A swarm of Titans has begun moving northward, toward the city."_

When Erwin announced the grave news in the middle of their 56th expedition, there was only one thought that flashed into Levi's head.

_Vanya._

That was all that was running through his mind as he hurriedly rode his horse towards the direction of Trost along with whatever's left of the brigade. They were already informed of the Colossal Titan appearing once again after 5 years. And like history repeating itself, the Colossal Titan had made a hole on the gate, causing a swarm of Titans to breach the human territory yet again.

He anxiously thought of dozens of possibilities that could have happened to his wife -- and all those possibilities were leaning towards the prospect of her being dead.

_No... She's not dead, she can't be. She's strong... I know she is... fuck..._

And as he anxiously repeated those thoughts in a desperate mantra, he nudged his horse to run even faster to the point that he was already in front of everyone else.

Every single soldier could see how frantic and agitated their captain looked. He wasn't even hiding it anymore. He was panting heavily and his hands that were holding the reins were trembling.

"Levi, slow down!" Hange cried out from behind.

Levi ignored her as he continued speeding forward until he was now almost a kilometer away from everyone else. After what seemed like a decade to him, the walls that protect Trost finally appeared in the valley ahead of him but so were a mob of Titans that were making a beeline towards what seems to be a hole in the gate.

_Shit..._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

As Levi stood on the lifeless body of a Titan that he had just slain, he looked over his shoulder at the three young cadets by the boulder that was now covering the gate.

"Oy," he called out abrasively, trying his best to hide the worry that was already driving him crazy. "What exactly is going on here?"

The three cadets, two of which were protecting one dark-haired cadet, only stared up at him. Levi assumed that they had recognized him since astonishment was written all over the innocent looking faces. Though the dark-haired girl who he thought he somewhat resembled didn't look too innocent.

"Tsk," it was getting on his nerves how they weren't responding. Although he wanted to empathize with how shaken they looked at that moment (They were merely cadets, after all.), he had other urgent priorities in mind -- one that involved his possibly endangered wife.

He didn't wait for their replies any longer as he was already launching the grapple hooks of his ODM gear towards the ruins of Trost.

_Please.... Please be alive..._

The Scout Regiment had finally arrived in the city, and everyone felt a sense of joy, and relief as they saw the Scouts leaping over the walls with their signature green cloaks. Though the timing of their arrival was impeccable, there were still at least 50 Titans that were trapped in the city.

Levi reckoned that it might take a whole day to wipe out the remaining Titans within the walls. He swiftly steered through the streets, scrutinizing the wreckage of numerous buildings and establishments. He needed to head quickly to the particular street where Vanya's clinic was located. His heart was beating so fast that the burst of air his gas was emitting wasn't enough to drown out the pounding in his chest. He was pretty sure he was already low on gas, seeing how hurriedly he maneuvered. He flew and glided almost recklessly until finally, he saw the familiar path that led to Vanya's clinic. And the sight before him almost stopped his heart.

The clinic was now barely recognizable. Mounds of stones, and wooden pillars laid on top of each other at the exact spot where the clinic was. Only half of it remained standing, and Levi could see the interior of the building all wrecked and dusted. Levi landed gracefully in front of the wreckage while trying to catch his breath. He saw all Vanya's possession spread among the ruins from shattered vials of medicines to her little trinkets that she insisted on using to add a certain flare to her own clinic.

Levi fell to his knees. His eyes and his lips quivered. He looked like he had seen a ghost as his naturally pale face paled even more than ever.

"VANYA!"

He screamed -- or rather, cried -- with his whole chest.

No answer. Only the increased pacing of his heartbeat, and the heavy footsteps of Titans from around the corner resounded; they must have heard him.

But he didn't care.

He finally mustered all his strength to stand up and go through the destroyed clinic.

"VANYA! WHERE ARE YOU?"

He pulled out every stone and brick, aimlessly digging through any signs of her petite body or even just a fragment of the green skirt she'd always wear to work.

But Levi couldn't find anything. Not even a drop of blood. He didn't know if he should feel relieved or even more panicky.

The heavy footsteps of the Titans boomed even louder, drawing closer to where Levi was. But he only continued digging through the rubbles despite being aware of the approaching Titans.

He suddenly felt someone pull him back up. For a moment, he thought a Titan must have grabbed him but when he turned, he saw his own commander looking down at him with an unreadable expression.

"She's not here," Erwin only said.

Levi only stared with wide eyes and he felt a lump forming in his throat.

At this point, about two Titans, one was 7 meters high and the other one 11, were only a few feet away from where they stood. The two soldiers were completely exposed since the roof of the clinic was part of the remains they were standing on. Levi was about to jump off and purge all his anger and frustration in killing those Titans when the taller man held him back.

"Don't. You're already running out of gas. Just use what's left to head to Wall Rose. She must have evacuated along with everyone else."

"But --"

"That's an order." Erwin raised his voice with narrowed eyes. "Levi, we have to believe in her."

Levi angrily bit his lips, and he was certain that it was already bleeding. But then he clicked his tongue, giving in.

"Fine," he grumbled before aiming his hooks far off and propelled himself back into the air. His figure nearly got caught into one of the Titan's hands but he swiftly evaded it by somersaulting while on air. He briefly turned to check what had happened to Erwin only to see that the commander was flying off, slicing a gash on one of the Titan's nape.

This was Levi's cue to move forward. He navigated his ODM gear almost hysterically into the streets, flawlessly avoiding every Titan along the way. As much as he wanted to kill every Titan that was blocking his path, he was sane enough to know that his gas would run out by the time he had killed another Titan, leaving him with nothing left to get him to the wall.

Fortunately, the stars and the universe were on his side.

His grapple hooks finally touched the walls, pulling him towards where the Garrison Regiment was stationed by the canons.

"C-captain Levi!"

The Garrison soldiers and cadets nearly stumbled at the sudden arrival of the famous Scout out of nowhere. The soldiers didn't even have time to ask Levi why he wasn't out there dispatching the remaining Titans because the captain had already leaped off to the other side of Wall Rose, completely ignoring them.

He was already halfway onto the ground when he felt the sudden sputter in his gear. He realized that he finally ran out of gas, leaving him freely falling. Fortunately, he was only a few meters from the ground which was enough for him to survive a nasty impact. When he finally landed on the ground, his body tumbled and rolled onto the pavement, leaving him wincing in pain.

The soldiers jumped out of the way, forming a circle around his figure that was sprawled on the ground.

Kitz Woerman, that Garrison captain with sunken and paranoid eyes, ran to the captain who was groaning.

"L-levi! Are you okay? Where are the other Scouts?"

"Sh...Shut the hell up..." Levi croaked, hugging his legs which still rang from the shock of the impact.

Kitz was surprised at the way Levi disregarded him before Levi finally gathered himself. His legs were still wobbling that he nearly lost his balance but he forced himself to stay upright.

"Where are the evacuees?" Levi asked rather demandingly.

The Garrison captain almost jumped at Levi's tone before pointing at the courtyard a few meters away from them.

Levi didn't even bother to thank Kitz as he was already sprinting towards the courtyard, completely relying on the adrenaline running through his veins. When he arrived at the wide space, hundreds of injured soldiers and civilians filled the area. Some were crying, some were still bleeding profusely, and others were just staring blankly into space. Families and children were all huddled together with glum faces as he surveyed for the face of his wife.

A cadet walked past him and Levi decided to grab the collar of his brown jacket to pull him down to match his height.

"Oy, you," He panted heavily from sprinting at the cadet with grey spiky grey hair. Even if the boy was taller, the boy still flinched at Levi since he was well aware of the captain's reputation. "What's your name?"

"K-kirstien, sir! Jean Kirstien!"

"Kirstien," Levi finally got a hold of his breathing. "Have you seen Doctor Vanya Ronan? You know her, I'm sure. She does those workshops during your training."

Jean, the grey haired soldier, lit his eyes, recognizing the name of the doctor. "Yes, sir! I saw her, she's at the medical station --"

"Where's the medical station?!"

Jean trembled as he pointed at the corner of the courtyard where the tent was set up. A line people extended from there, waiting for their turn.

Levi ran as if there was no tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vanya forced everything in her to keep her eyes peeled open.

She felt like she was in a dream as she could only vaguely recount what just happened to her a couple of hours ago.

_She had been standing at her clinic that was still in one piece when the Titan trundled its way towards her. She remembered being frozen in her place and the mother of the son that was just killed was already running for her dear life, leaving Vanya behind._

_Why can't I move? She screamed in her head._

_Then, a series of images flashed in her head. She saw herself from 5 years ago in Shiganshina. The scenario was the same but at the same time, different. Because in that memory, she was in the grip of a 15 meter tall Titan._ **_She remembered how its fingers dug into her abdomen until she felt her own blood dripping from her legs._ ** _At that time, she thought she was going to die right there the same way how her loved ones died._

_The memory ended because the next thing she knew, she was being swept off of her feet and the familiar whizzing sound of an ODM gear reached her ears. She realized that she was off the ground and being carried in the arms of a familiar cadet as they leaped away from the Titan._

_"Mikasa!" Vanya had gasped not just because the stone-faced girl had saved her but because Mikasa was strong enough to carry her weight._

_"Doctor, why weren't you running?" Mikasa calmly asked while her gaze focused in front of her._

_"I... I don't know..." Vanya felt so stupid. It wasn't the first time she had almost been killed by a Titan. She actually thought she would know what to do now to be alert due to her past experience._

_"It's okay," Mikasa replied softly, briefly looking down at Vanya. "You're safe now."_

Vanya's hand was still shaking as she finished suturing the gash above the stranger's brows. They had run out of anesthetic so the man was forced to endure the pain of the needle.

"You're okay now," She said, laying a reassuring hand on the man's shoulder.

"T-thank you, Doctor," The man forced a smile since he was still trying his best to bear the pain. And then, he sighed sadly, "I lost my whole family..."

Vanya bit her lips, not knowing what to say. To be honest, she didn't have the heart at that moment to sympathize with anyone right now as she too was still going through a shock. The wall being breached a while ago triggered her trauma from 5 years ago. She didn't have enough emotional energy to comfort and grieve with someone.

"Sir..." Vanya brought her fingers to his chin to raise his downcast face. The stranger's face was already smothered with his tears. "Keep fighting. Don't regret anything. Just keep fighting, we're all fighting and standing with you."

The man was astonished by her blunt way of consoling but Vanya realized that humanity must know that at the very end of the day, they must move forward. No sugarcoating, no bullshit. 

"Thank you..."

The stranger dizzily stood up and gave her a gratified yet solemn expression before he left.

Vanya was about to accommodate another patient when a familiar voice struck her far from where stood.

"Where's the medical station?!"

She swore her heart stopped at that very moment. That cold voice that was usually all gruff and harsh was loud, frantic, but hopeful.

She gasped as she treaded away from her station.

"Nurse, please take over for a moment." Vanya hurriedly told the nurse behind her.

"I need to see my husband."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Levi ran and ran through the groups of people until he saw the mop of auburn hair that stood from the crowd.

And then, the world seemed to slow down as he finally saw the immaculate face of his wife appearing in full view a few feet away from him.

Seeing Vanya after the chaos that had just transpired made all the tension that Levi had been carrying in his body dissipate. He sprinted even faster whilst ignoring the pulsating pain in his limbs.

Vanya, who finally saw her husband, nearly broke down as she too ran towards his direction while tears started streaming down her face.

And as they finally met in the middle, Levi engulfed her into his arms, lifted her effortlessly off the ground and spun her. He heard her sniffing, realizing that she was sobbing as she buried his face into the curve of his neck. When he safely dropped her feet to the ground, he let his hand lay on top of Vanya's head as she wailed into the pool of her tears that were already soaking his jacket. His other hand wrapped around her waist, pressing his wife further into his chest.

When Vanya lifted her head from his neck, Levi met her red eyes that were still brimming with her salty tears. Her nose was all red, her hair was all disheveled, and there was dirt all over her face. But he didn't care -- she still looked so fucking beautiful.

And then, he brought his head down to kiss her lips.

In all honesty, the sudden force of his lips pressing into hers hurt Vanya's mouth a little; but she was too overwhelmed by her emotions to notice it because she too kissed back.

Their kiss was desperate. They were both panting heavily from the adrenaline and the pent up emotions of missing each other. They kissed as if the other one would disappear any time soon. As if Levi was tirelessly pulling her hand as she hung off a tall cliff while he mustered all his strength to haul Vanya up but something was pulling her down further into an abyss. The same abyss that served as the grave of all his comrades who died in his watch.

They were trying to catch their breath when they pulled away. Vanya brought her hands to his wet cheeks and only then did Levi realize that he, too, had been crying while they were kissing.

As if he wasn't satisfied, he started peppering her with more desperate kisses; he kissed her nose, both of her cheeks, both of her eyes and then her forehead. He held her greedily and he didn't care that people around them were watching them.

He wanted everyone to know that no one should ever dare lay a finger on his wife. Because if they did, he wouldn't hesitate to tear them apart not just with his blades but with his bare hands.

And as Vanya continued to sob to his chest, he rested his chin on the crown of her head. He hushed, whispering soothing words to calm her down. "Shh... You're okay... You're safe, I'm here... I'm home."

And in the heaps of tears and hiccups, Vanya whispered back.

"I love you, Levi."

Levi planted one last kiss on her hair.

"I love you, Vanya."

He didn't stutter when he said that.

And as he held her in her arms, he told himself.

He wouldn't allow the same thing to happen 5 years ago, when he nearly lost his wife to the Titans. The same way he had lost Isabel and Furlan.

And the damn same way they had lost the life of their unborn angel 5 years ago, hoping to see the light of day and bring light into the lives of Levi and Vanya. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM CRYING :(((((((((( 
> 
> I never knew how it was such a challenge to write emotional Levi... wow. 
> 
> Anywho, I will update once a week from now -- well, I'll try!! Because 2nd year of college will start tomorrow and I will be supeeer busy with online classes.
> 
> I would really appreciate if you leave comments, or votes!! You can also message me if you want, I'd gladly be your friend hehehe.
> 
> Till the next chapter.
> 
> Frankie x


	7. Life in the Underground, Part 1: The Living Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so excited for this specific arc in this story, and this arc will be about maybe 6 PARTS LONG! YES!! So no time jumps for the time being, it will be chronological for the next incoming chapters. And I'm gonna have to apologize in advance, the chapters in this arc will be hella long like at least 3000 words kskskdjkdkf 
> 
> This arc will cover Vanya's past and how she became a doctor. ALSO!! HOW SHE AND LEVI MET AAAAAH IM SO PUMPED!! Basically, this arc will cover the "No Regrets" OVA of the anime so we'll be seeing her relationship as well with isabel, furlan aND ERWIN HEHEHEHE. OKAY I SHOULD SHUT UP NOW AND LET YOU READ.

**_Year 838_ **

Life in the dark city underneath Mitras where the royalty and nobility dwell was a living hell -- and saying that would still be an understatement.

In the Underground, it was a landfill of the poorest of the poor. The civilians residing there have rarely seen the light of day, which explains their common pale faces with eyes so morose. People were constantly starving with no roofs to take shelter. Even if you tell them to "just work hard", it would still be impossible to survive since there were rare job opportunities to begin with. Thus, people there resorted to being criminals. Illicit activities to them was their only chance at survival. Crime was very much prevalent to the point that witnessing someone getting stabbed right in front of you would just be a normal sight.

It was a living hell, indeed.

But on the evening of her 15th birthday, Vanya couldn't possibly ask for anything more in her small dark world.

"Happy birthday to you!" Her family sang cheerfully as they surrounded her in their small dilapidated shelter they call "home".

"Make a wish, love," Vanya's mother, Lily Ronan, tucked the fringes of her red hair behind her ears. Lily had the same shade of hair, making Vanya appear to be the smaller replica of her. But the difference was, Lily had hazel brown eyes as compared to her daughter's green eyes.

The now 15 year old girl closed her eyes for a moment.

_I wish I could heal this dark world._

Then, she opened her eyes and blew the fire out of the candle that was poking right out of the small vanilla flavored cupcake her father was able to smuggle from the surface.

"What did you wish for?" Vanya's 20 year old brother, Cedric Ronan, teasingly bumped her shoulder.

"And why would I tell you that?" She rolled her eyes. "It won't come true if I do that."

"Fine," Cedric pouted. He wasn't always the type to act his age. "Sorry I didn't get you any birthday gift... again."

Of course, Vanya could perfectly understand. Like everyone else living in the Underground, they too lived a harsh life that survived on scraps.

"It's okay, Ced. As long as you're here, I'm already happy,"

Cedric grinned before kissing his little sister whilst ruffling her hair.

"But I did bring something for you, little bug,"

The father, Edward Claire, with his slicked black hair ( **a/n: THAT RHYMES HAHA** ) and piercing green eyes that were identical to Vanya's reached behind his leather canvas bag..

Vanya's eyes widened with a childlike glint as she started jumping. "Really, papa?! What is it?!"

"Now, now, little bug, be patient," his father chuckled before he lifted a wooden crate that was tucked behind his chair. His grunt when he hauled it indicated the heaviness of the contents inside the box.

When Edward finally dropped the crate in front of Vanya, everyone in the room had already knelt down to have a peek into what the man had brought for his daughter.

Vanya was buzzing with excitement because truth be told, it was a very rare occurrence for her to receive gifts. Having your own possessions was already considered to be a luxury in the Underground, what more giving something away?

As Edward lifted the cover of the crate, Vanya instantly peered her small head into the opening and its content made her gasp.

"What? What is it?" Cedric scooted closer to his sister's side.

"It's..." Vanya reached into the crate and pulled the item out of it while her expression remained awestruck. "Herbs..."

In the crate laid a wide selection of different herbs, flowers, roots, and other rare species of plants that were bundled together. Vanya could identify some plants such as the lady ferns, ginseng, sage, turmeric, echinacea, thyme. But most of it, she didn't recognize most especially the flowers with colors she hadn't seen before in her life. They were still fresh, its colors were vibrant even under their dim candle lights, and its exotic aroma filled the room.

"Oh, Papa..." Vanya turned to her father, her eyes about to tear up. "I love it!"

She jumped into his father's arms, surprising him with a hug while his father tightly and lovingly hugged the small girl back.

Her gift was indeed a peculiar option for a young girl who just turned 15. Girls her age at that time would rather lean towards new dresses or pieces of jewelries. But her father's gift meant so much more to her.

Because these plants weren't just ordinary plants. All the plants in the crate held medicinal properties that when they are infused into salves, teas, or different forms of concoction, they can give health benefits to whoever will consume it. Another reason why being gifted plants was considered a lavishness to her was because it was uncommon for plants to survive in the Underground. With the lack of sunlight and fresh air, it was impossible to get a hold of them. The only time they could have their hands on valuable plants was if they obtained them directly from the surface, in the Interior. And if they did get their hands on it, it would be ridiculously expensive. Plus, it was highly unlikely that they'd ever reach the surface without a citizenship or the outrageous price to gain a pass.

Fortunately, Edward Claire was a civilian from the surface. He was a remarkable doctor in Stohess District, along with Grisha Jaeger. He was so brilliant in his field that nobles would only ask medical services from him alone, which further elevated his status in society. Not only did he provide his service to the nobility but he also travelled to the outer districts and extended his medical services to the less unfortunate.

And how did a kind, generous, and ingenious man from the surface end up having a family in the Underground?

Even Vanya couldn't wrap her head around the thought of having a father from the surface. All she knew was that her father would frequently visit the Underground during his younger days and treat the people who had severely weak bones due to vitamin D deficiency, as caused by the prolonged lack of sunlight. Edward Claire was that charitable, compassionate, and was never selective of the group of people he'd socialize with to the point that he ended up falling in love with a simple midwife from the Underground.

"One day, little bug," Edward brushed his fingers as he tenderly stared at Vanya who was inspecting the lavender petals closely. "You're going to grow into a fine young lady who will dedicate her whole life helping others using those medicines."

Vanya turned to him with her eyes filled with admiration. "I want to be just like you, papa. I'll follow your footsteps, I promise!"

"Surely, you're not going to leave us all the time like he does, right, sister?"

Everyone whipped their heads at Cedric who was already at the corner of the room. Vanya could read the envy and disdain written all over his face. His eyes seemed to prick right back Edward's matching ones like two pods in one pea as they both had the same features: black hair and green eyes.

"What are you --"

"Oh, you know what I mean, Vanya," His brother spat, not breaking his gaze from his father.

Lily warningly laid a hand on Cedric's shoulder. "Son... please stop."

"Cedric, I..." Edward slowly stepped closer to his son, whose shoulders were already trembling from the way he was suppressing his anger. "You know I have no choice."

"If you love us so much, then why do you always walk away from us?" Cedric's voice crumbled. "Why can't you take us with you on top?"

But deep down, those questions weren't the ones Cedric had been dying to ask.

_If you can give the world to my sister, why couldn't you do the same thing to me when I was younger?_

Edward couldn't find the right words to answer Cedric. And even if he did tell the real reason, it would only bring shame, disappointment, and hurt.

 _I bet he's ashamed of having a family from the Underground._ Cedric bitterly thought.

Truthfully, Edward wasn't with them in the Underground most of the time. He would only visit at most twice a week, and then the rest would be dedicated to his real work on the surface -- where he truly belonged. But that was before the family had Vanya. When Cedric was younger, he could barely remember his father being in the picture of his childhood. He never knew what it felt to have an older man as his inspiration, his hero. He didn't even remember if his father was there for his 15th birthday. But when Vanya came into this world, only then did Edward come into his senses and had finally realized his duty as a father.

At that very moment, Vanya finally understood where Cedric's sentiments were rooting from. She shifted her gaze from the variety of plants in front of her, to her father, and then to her brother.

Suddenly, Vanya felt so bad for being loved.

She started blaming herself for the lack of love his brother got from that one man whom she truly considered as her whole world. She felt as if she didn't deserve to hold the lavenders, and the peppermint leaves she was marveling at in her hands.

"I have to go."

Cedric announced with a voice devoid of any emotion.

"W-what? Now?" Vanya stood up and trudged to him.

"I have work."

Whether that was the truth or a petty excuse to leave, no one really knew what Cedric did in his spare time if he wasn't home. Vanya had observed that he would leave for "work" on several occasions and lately, his disappearance had become even more frequent than ever. He would leave at a very late hour and come back at the crack of dawn with bruises on his faces and specs of blood in his hands. Though he did try his best to hide the marks, Vanya could always see right through his sleeves.

Her heart broke because the last thing she wanted was for her older brother to be a criminal just so that their family can survive.

"Cedric, stay for a little longer," Lily begged softly. "It's your sister's special day."

"Let him do what he wants."

Everyone turned their heads to Edward who was silent beforehand. He stared at Cedric with firm eyes, as if he was challenging the younger man.

Cedric felt a crush in his heart. He had expected his own father to at least ask him to stay just like what her mother had done. But it seemed Edward only wanted his own son away.

Cedric didn't say anything more as he finally stomped to the door and bitterly made his way out. Vanya followed behind him as she too left the house and met the cold dark streets.

"I'll come with you!"

Cedric didn't realize his own sister had been following him. They were already a few blocks away from the house and he was about to turn to a corner, when his sister called out to him. He sighed before making a pivot to his sister.

"You can't, it's dangerous."

"But why? Why don't you ever tell us where you'd disappear to?" Vanya walked closer to him, and Cedric could see the tears building up in her eyes.

"You're no different than papa. You always leave us too."

At that moment, hearing those words from her lips was more painful than being beaten up to a pulp by a gang.

He didn't know how to respond. He clenched his fist and his lips trembled. He felt so angry at himself because he knew that it was the truth. He thought he could be the man who'd always be there for his family but he wasn't.

He was just like his father.

"Cedric," He felt Vanya's warm small hand hold his. "Are you a... criminal?"

Cedric bit his lips as he did everything he could to hold his tears back. Then, a memory flashed in his mind.

_"Cedric?"_

_"Hmmm?"_

_"Promise me you won't end up like them."_

_"Like who?"_

_"Like them."_

_The 10 year old Vanya nudged her chin towards the direction where a group of thugs were disappearing into an alleyway. They were cheering rambunctiously as they held boxes in their arms. It appeared that the thugs must have stolen those boxes because the next thing they saw, a group of Military Police were chasing after them. At that time, 15 year old Cedric found the whole concept of turning to criminality to be bull._

_Little did his 15 year old self know._

_"Psshh... me? Be one of them? Come on, Vanya. I'd never."_

_"Then promise me."_

_Vanya's eyes on him were strong. Even if she had barely reached the prime of her puberty, she looked so mature._

_"I promise."_

"I'm sorry..."

Cedric whispered almost inaudibly. But Vanya was able to absorb every word.

Her nightmare had finally come true -- her brother had become one of them.

Vanya slowly slipped his hand away from her grasp before she whispered, "Okay..."

"Okay..."

Cedric turned his back on her once again and began to walk away. But before he could walk any further and disappear into the shadows of the alleyway. He looked over his shoulders and said the exact same words his father had told him just minutes ago.

"You know I have no choice."

And then, he was gone.

As Vanya walked back to her home with her heavy footsteps matching the heaviness in her heart, she saw her father who had just walked out of the front door of their house with his leather canvas bag that he'd use for work in his hand.

"Do you also have to leave?" Vanya frowned.

"I'm sorry, little bug," Edward sighed as he stroked the crown of her head. "The situation on the surface became even worse. They need me there."

And he wasn't lying. Because on the surface, life wasn't any better. Titans weren't only humanity's obstacle; it was also the social class division, hunger, and the plague that had been spreading for years. No one knew who brought the plague within the walls. All they knew was that people had started manifesting symptoms of cough, fever, colds, until eventually, they winded up dead on their beds. Edward, along with numerous skilled doctors, had been working nonstop to cure the people who had contracted the plague.

And as much as Vanya wanted to be selfish for once and have her father by her side on her birthday, she knew that humanity needed him more.

"I understand..." she lowered her head in disappointment.

"Don't worry. When I come back, we'll be brewing those herbs together, alright?"

Vanya lit up instantly as if his words turned a switch in her. "Okay, Papa!"

"That's my little bug." Edward knelt down in front of her small figure to her level. He flashed her a warm smile before kissing her cheek.

"I'll be home before you know it."

"I'll be waiting!"

The man hesitantly stood on his feet and turned his back on his daughter. He gave a solemn wave of his hand before he walked away. Vanya waved back as she watched the distance between them stretch gradually. She stayed there until eventually, the silhouette of Edward finally disappeared into the shadows where the light from their lamppost could no longer reach.

Edward Claire was the first man who had promised Vanya he would return back home to her but never did.

Because as she watched him walk away, it was the last time Vanya ever saw his face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been almost 6 months since Edward left his family in the Underground.

Vanya wasn't particularly keen about using the term "left" to describe what her father had done, but Cedric was certain that there's no chance their father would ever come back to them. Edward would never miss a week without seeing his family. He would make sure that he'd visit at least once a week. Never did his absence last more than a week, and more so, a month. Even more so, 6 months.

"It was going to happen eventually." Cedric would always gently chide the poor girl whenever she was gazing out the window longingly.

"He's coming back," Vanya asserted defensively but she couldn't hide the distraught laced in her tone. "I know he will."

"And what if he doesn't?"

"He will," she said weakly. "I believe in him..."

And Vanya did believe in him, even if another month had passed without her father ever returning to the Underground.

However, the peculiar thing was that every 2 months, a crate would be mysteriously delivered to their house with only a note that was written with Vanya's name. The crate would contain supplies of medicinal plants, a few basic surgical equipment, some solvents that can be used for brewing herbal medicines, and scrolls that would contain first aid manuals and other instructions for various treatments.

It was like the sender of the supplies specifically intended for Vanya to learn medicine independently. No one would turn up whenever the crate was delivered. It would only appear at their front door, with no sign of any person putting it there.

Vanya assumed that it came from her father because, who else could it possibly be? After all, the crate of supplies was the exact same thing her father had gifted her for her 15th birthday.

Edward had served not just as a father but also her teacher in learning medicine. Since she was 10, Vanya would always be mentored by him that she was already adept at stitching wounds by 12. By 14, she had already memorized most of the medicinal properties of common plants, and knew how to brew the right concoction with those plants to treat a certain condition.

She was constantly educating herself with or without her father because that was how passionate she was to be a doctor in the future. Even more did she practice due to the supplies she had been receiving from a mysterious sender. But nonetheless, learning medicine was more meaningful when she was learning it directly from Edward. Perhaps the plague on the surface was too severe that he had drowned with the overloading patients to cure. Or maybe he was taking precautions by not going to the Underground and spread the plague to his family.

Whatever reason her father had for not visiting them, Vanya knew in her heart that it was valid.

The young girl was always thinking of him. Even while she was currently holding the hand of a pregnant woman who was giving birth.

"Just a little more, sweetheart, we're almost there," Lily coaxed at the pregnant woman who was shrieking in agony for the past hour.

Vanya tried her best to not show that she was wincing from how the woman squeezed her hand a bit too hard for her liking. "Ma'am, you can do it. Just push a little more!" the girl said encouragingly as she massaged the woman's arm.

"ARRRGHHHHH!!!" The woman was screaming so hard, Vanya feared that the roof above them would collapse at any moment.

And with one final dreary push, the sound of a baby's cries resounded throughout the room, marking the end of the labor.

"My, he's beautiful!" Vanya's mother cooed at the baby who was all slimy with blood in her arms. 

"H-he?" the woman whimpered as she still felt the pain.

"It's a boy, ma'am," Vanya smiled while wiping the sweat off of the woman's face.

"Vanya, dear, could you ease the woman's pain while I cut the cord and clean the baby?"

"Yes, mama!"

Vanya went to work as she grabbed a hot wet cloth that was infused with lavender oil and pressed it at the woman's lower abdomen.

"That's..." The woman moaned as the warmth of the cloth relieved the pain. "That smells so good... what's that?"

"It's lavender, ma'am," Vanya answered proudly as she watched the woman relax. "I put essential oils into the compress."

"That's nice... I've never smelled anything like it before..."

"You can only get something like this from the surface."

"Ahh... I see," The woman sounded dismayed. Or maybe it was the exhaustion talking. "Do you think I can have more of those?"

"Of course!" Vanya answered enthusiastically. "I have a few herbs here that you can use as incense. Just light it up and it will give a strong aroma in your house. It will help relieve your pain, and give you a better rest. I could also leave you chamomile and rose tea leaves too, if you like."

"My, aren't you the sweetest?" Even if the woman was clearly fatigued, she was able to chuckle and reach for Vanya's hand. "And you have the loveliest eyes. Your future man will be so lucky."

The younger girl instantly flushed. "I don't need a man!"

"Sure you don't."

And after another hour of Lily orientating the woman how to handle her baby and Vanya prescribing her medicines using the scrolls from her crate, Lily and Vanya finally took their leave, and were done for today.

"3 babies all in one day, that was fun," Vanya deadpanned sarcastically as she and her mother walked down the narrow street.

"You did well, darling, I'm so proud of you." Lily teasingly pinched her cheek while Vanya grumbled. "Those women really love your remedies. I'm surprised you were willing to give some away."

"What's the point of being a doctor if I'm just going to be greedy with my resources?" Vanya huffed, crossing her arms.

"That's my girl." Lily giggled but instantly contorted her face with nostalgia. "Your father taught you well, he'll be so proud of you too..."

Her daughter was silent for a moment as the longing feeling crept into her chest.

"He's..." Vanya was unsure how she would put it. "Coming back right? Surely he misses us so much right now."

Lily pursed her lips as she forced a smile. She, too, didn't know where her husband was and how she would answer Vanya's question. Vanya was growing sadder each day without Edward, but Lily was getting _depressed_. Each day she became even more restless, wondering when the love of her life would ever come back to her.

But Lily needed to stay strong for her children no matter what. Because at that point, Lily was all Vanya and Cedric had as their pillar.

"He will." Lily said with her whole heart. It sounded like she was telling it more to herself than to her daughter.

They were finally at the block where their house stood. And as they were about to near their house, Lily suddenly stopped on her tracks.

When Vanya noticed her mother wasn't beside her, she looked back to see her mother with her head downcast. She saw how her mother's hands were slightly shaking.

"Mama...?" Vanya cautiously called out. "Are you okay?"

Lily stood still for a moment without replying. It appeared that she was staring at the ground. Or more like, her feet. She heaved a heavy sigh before looking up with a smile so fake, Vanya could see it.

"Yes, darling, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about!"

"Okay... Are you sure?"

"Yes, yes! Just go on, I'll catch up with you."

Vanya nodded reluctantly, her face all confused but she obeyed nonetheless.

She looked forward and was about to continue walking towards her house when she heard a thud behind her.

Vanya alarmingly looked back to see her mother was on all fours, looking downwards while hyperventilating.

"Mama!"

Vanya dropped her equipment and ran to Lily's side. The girl saw how the ground beneath her mother had droplets of something wet. Then, she realized that it was her mother's tears on the ground.

"Vanya... I can't... I can't stand..."

 _No... not her..._ Vanya wanted to scream so bad.

"N-no, mama... you're just... you're just tired! We've been walking all day!"

No matter how much Vanya denied, she knew it wouldn't magically do something to make her mother regain her footing.

Because the truth was, it had to happen. Everyone in the Underground was bound to lose their strength in their bones. They all had the same grave fate of not being able to walk as they age -- it was just a haunting matter of when.

"I'm... sorry..." Lily whispered as Vanya tried to haul her up with her skinny arms. She didn't even know what her mother was apologizing for.

"Stop saying that, Mama!" Vanya gritted her teeth as she tried to lift her mother's weight. "You can stand, see? Look! You're standing!"

She was able to precariously lift her mother to her feet for a second but Lily's legs instantly collapsed, bringing the both of them to the ground.

"I can't..." Lily shook her head in defeat. "It's my time."

Vanya could no longer fight back. She bit her lips so hard, she thought she could already feel the metallic taste of her blood.

She wanted to scream, pull her own hair, and throw a fit. She was so mad at how the world was so unfair. Why did they have to live in the Underground? Why was life so cruel to them? Her mother was the kindest person she knew but unfortunately, her kindness wasn't enough for the universe to spare them from the harshness of their livelihood.

Her train of thoughts started escalating to the thought of her father who had left them. Maybe Cedric was right; maybe their father didn't want a life with them. Who would ever want to see their loved ones slowly decay in the shadows, away from all the sunlight? And then she thought of Cedric. She hated how the world had pressured him to become a criminal and he had no choice. All he ever wanted was to be the man his family needed when their father wasn't around. 

And then she thought of herself. While everyone's lives were caught up in the strings of their cruel fate, Vanya still didn't know what would happen to her or what kind of life awaits her in the Underground. Will she be able to pursue her dreams of becoming a doctor? Will she also leave her own family behind just like what her father did? Be a criminal like her brother? Or maybe end up losing her ability to walk?

All these thoughts rattled in her mind all because she didn't have the fortune of living on the surface.

"Someone, help us!" Vanya yelped out loud in the secluded streets. But no one responded. She could see a figure lurking in the window of one house but the figure quickly hid as if they didn't want to be involved.

"PLEASE!" She cried out so loudly again and again, her voice becoming even hoarse.

And as the night fell on the surface, so were Vanya's hopes and dreams in the Underground. She continuously cried out, not just because her mother could no longer stand, because of the living hell she had to endure for the rest of her life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another author's note HAHAHA soooo what do you guys think??? Are you guys excited as I am? Levi hasn't made an appearance yet but I promise you, he will show up in the next chapter. I just wanna establish first Vanya's past to give you an understanding of how she came to be the woman she was in the previous chapters. 
> 
> ALSO NOTE!! I don't know much about medical stuff, so some sicknesses and medical practices might not come off as realistic. 
> 
> frankie xo


	8. Life in the Underground, Part 2: At First Glance

**_Year 838_ **

Another month had passed and life for Vanya hadn't gotten any better.

Lily was now bedridden in their home all day, though she could still get away with a crutch on good days when her bones didn't ache too bad. Because of her condition, she could no longer do her job as a midwife since her role involved travelling to her patients' homes which was now impossible. Though on the very rare occasions when the patients come to her, that's when she could still excel at her job.

On the other hand, Cedric had been disappearing in the evenings even more frequently than before. He would leave some time in the afternoon, looking all perfectly well and come back home in the middle of the night with a battered face, and a meager wad of money in his hands. Vanya wouldn't even dare to ask what deeds he had done just so he can procure that amount of cash.

As for Vanya, well, she was also trying.

With her medical supplies from the mysterious sender combined with her aptitude, she had been expanding her services. Apparently, she was the only person in the Underground who had the most medical resources in her hands that people highly sought her for their medications. At one point, even the most notorious powerful figures in the Underground availed her treatment services. One time, she found herself in a highly risky position wherein she had to treat a stab wound of a powerful conman all while a gun was pointed at her back in case she was a spy who would purposely mess up the treatment.

But other than that, she was nevertheless in harmless zones most of the time. As much as possible, she strayed away from any forms of dangers or involvement in any illegal acts. Unfortunately, her job, as important as it is, didn't always have a high return. Since the city was poor, only a few were willing to pay for her treatment and medications. As much as she wanted to treat the sick and the dying people lying in the streets for free, she also needed to survive and have a source of income.

Vanya was walking on the way home after treating a nasty infection of a patient when she was met again by the familiar crate lying still on her doorstep.

She was expecting it, of course, This was the 4th time a crate was delivered to her by her mysterious sender. She sighed, skimming through the vicinity to see that no one was present in the area to leave it there.

"Jeez, what's the deal with the delivery guy..." She thought out loud as she pushed the crate into the house with her feet since she was too lazy to bend down and pick up the load after a long day.

"I'm home!" She hollered, shrugging off the shawl that hugged her shoulders.

Silence only responded; she was already used to it.

Vanya walked towards the door which led to the main bedroom. She knocked gently on it and softly called out, "Mama?"

Again, no one echoed back. This gave her the cue to slowly open the door and peek inside. The room was dark, no candle was lit. But Vanya could trace the outline of her mom's figure that was lying on the bed, her back facing Vanya. The young girl watched the way Lily slept, her figure slowly rising and falling to the rhythm of her breathing.

Vanya grimaced, knowing how her mother had been awfully sleeping a lot more lately. Due to her inability to walk, all Lily could do in her spare time was to eat, knit blankets, or just sleep. Vanya wondered how her mother could sleep all the time when she rarely did any physical activities that would exhaust her out. Last time she checked, Lily didn't have any fever or migraines. Only the sporadic shot of pain that she would experience in her limbs.

Vanya took a deep breath before closing the door to her mother's bedroom. She went back to the crate and saw, once again, a note on top of it with her name elegantly scribbled on it. It wasn't her father's handwriting, she was certain. But she already gave up playing guessing games, done with stressing herself by finding out who the sender was. As long as she continuously gets supplies from the supplies, she couldn't care less anymore about the identity.

When she opened the crate, she saw the same old things from the last crate she received. The same bundles of sage, ginseng roots, lemongrass, eucalyptus, chamomile, and many more. Unlike before wherein she would be astounded by the bountiful of supplies she could ever dream of, now she was dismayed.

"Why can't they just give me something that can treat the bones?" She grumbled, fishing out the plants onto the table. "Or better yet, why not food? That would be more helpful..."

Vanya found it ridiculous how she was talking to herself more frequently. She blamed the fact how she was always left alone, with her father gone, Cedric prioritizing his "work", and her mother who was too lethargic to interact with her.

She was too deep in conversing with herself in her own headspace ("I must have gone mad," she thought.) that she didn't notice the front door open with Cedric entering the house. Only did Vanya notice his presence when a wad of cash was dropped onto the table in front of her.

"Oh, you're back!" Vanya eyed her brother from head to toe.

As usual, his clothes were soiled and his hair was disheveled. But what alarmed Vanya was the gash above his left eyebrow, with its blood already dried up, making the wound even darker and more evident.

"Cedric!" Vanya shrieked, standing up and dragging his head down closer to her face. "How the hell did you get that?!"

"Ow, ow, ow!" The poor guy hissed when he felt his head being forcefully pulled downward. "Be more gentle, will you? Jeez..."

"Sit down so that I can fix that up."

Cedric obeyed in hopes that it will shut her sister up. He dropped onto his seat while he watched his sister reach for their first aid kit.

"That's gonna leave nasty scar on your face," Vanya clicked her tongue, irritated at her brother's unruly state.

Cedric scoffed but didn't say anything back. It was silent -- save for Cedric's occasionally hissing in pain -- as Vanya started delicately disinfecting the cut. Vanya could no longer take the bubbling silence so she decided to break it.

"So, you're really not going to tell me what you exactly do in your job, huh?"

"Nope."

"Not even a clue?"

"Not even the slightest."

"Unbelievable..." Vanya mumbled under her breath.

_Does it involve you killing someone else?_

A million times she had wanted to ask that to her brother. But she was too afraid. Afraid that it might offend her brother or worse, confirm that Cedric did actually kill in his work. She wasn't ready to face the truth.

"You know..." She mused. "Mama and I are not forcing you to do whatever sketchy stuff you're doing."

"I know."

"Then, stop doing it."

"I told you, I have no choice."

"Says who?"

"Says that stupid fucking fate that put us here in this hellhole of a -- ouch!"

"Language!" Vanya glared after purposely pressing the cotton a bit too hard on his would.

"I'm already an adult, in case you forgot, Vanya," Cedric rolled his eyes while crossing his arms on his chest like a child.

 _Right..._ Vanya forgot how her brother had recently turned 21 just three months ago and no surprise, their father didn't even visit to celebrate with them.

"Whatever," She huffed, grabbing a tin container filled with an orange-colored paste.

"Ughhh... I hate that ghastly stuff." He shuddered in disgust.

"Turmeric's good for you, so shut up." Vanya snapped before applying a thin layer of the paste on his cut.

"Doesn't change the fact that it smells like shit..." Cedric grumbled but instantly became quiet when Vanya shot a deadly glare at the mention of the cuss.

It was quiet once again as Vanya then proceeded to treat the swelling and the cuts on both of his knuckles. To Cedric, life was indeed a hellhole. But what made his days a tad bit bearable was coming home to a nurturing sister who would always be there to take care of him and treat his wounds. He loved her so much, he would do anything to make sure Vanya wouldn't go through the same sufferings he had to experience.

"Stop trying so hard to fill in for Papa."

Cedric looked up in confusion. "What?"

"I said," Vanya replied, her eyes still focused on treating his hands. "Stop trying so hard to fill the void Papa left in this family."

His face softened while he bit his lips. Clearly, her sister's words hit right through him because it was the truth.

"I told you --"

"Yes, you told me. You have no choice, you made that clear."

"Well, what do you want me to do, then?"

Vanya looked straight into his eyes at the sound of the question. With strong eyes, she said slowly, "It's not about what we want you to do. It's what _you_ want to do."

Cedric only stared as he let Vanya's firm words seep into his head. For years, he had long to be free from the shackles of his life. Yes, he loved his family with all his heart that he would kill for them just so they can be happy. But never once did he take a moment to really think about what he would do just to make _himself_ happy. Ever since Edward left them, he felt all the pressure all crashing onto him since he was the only man left who could provide for Vanya and their mother. All the more he felt the pressure when Lily couldn't walk as she used to anymore. He had no choice

"And stop saying you have no choice." Vanya continued when she noticed her brother contemplating. "Because the truth is, you do have a choice. As long as you're alive and breathing, you have the right to do whatever will make you happy. The right to ... live."

At this point, Cedric's lips were already quivering and he was biting the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from falling apart. To think that Vanya was only 15 years old yet her words were the words he had wanted to hear for a long time.

"Easier said than done, right?" Vanya chuckled bitterly to herself. "Can I tell you a secret?"

Cedric nodded slowly, bracing himself for what she was about to say next.

"Sometimes -- actually not sometimes but most of the time... I wanna pack my stuff and leave everything behind."

He tilted his head, not really getting where she was getting to.

"I wanna leave this house, leave you, and Mama. Leave my duty as this city's only trusted medic or whatsoever." Vanya heaved a heavy breath because finally, she was opening up her innermost desires she was so afraid to voice out in fear of being judged.

"I want to be selfish. God, I'm tired. So tired... and lonely? I'm so tired of caring for people and not getting back even barely half of what I give. I just want to leave and not care about anything else."

Her voice was already shaking but she knew that she had to let it out. When she met his brother's gaze, she couldn't make out his reaction. His eyes were gentle but something else was swimming along with it.

But Cedric knew that while he was out there stealing and beating up other people along the way, Vanya was the one shouldering the consequences by treating and healing the people he had beaten up. He was a city villain while she was the hero. But not all heroes are happy. Because they bear the responsibility of cleaning up other people's messes. The city needed her talent and resources and at the same time, she needed to take care of her mother 24/7. Vanya would be the one to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, and help her walk on crutches when she can.

Cedric thought he had all the pressure of supporting his family but in reality, it was Vanya who bore the burden.

"You must think I'm so cruel, huh?" Vanya forced a smile. "I don't blame you if you hate me now..."

"No, you're not..." Cedric finally uttered with his tone so soft and at the brim of breaking down. "I don't hate you, I would never."

Because the truth was, he also felt the same way. So many times he had wanted to leave but just one glance of Vanya's small face, and his mother's frail figure on the bed would always make him stay.

"Good, because I won't blame you if one day you leave us behind the same way Papa did."

The air around them suddenly felt colder. Cedric felt something unwind in him as if all the burden in his heart was finally lifted.

"I won't hate you, I love you too much to do that..." Vanya gave a smile so meek but so genuine. But at the same time, so blue. "Cedric, I just want to tell you that it's okay. If you wake up one day and think that you want to leave this place once and for all, including us, then do it. Be selfish, forget everything and just move forward to where you know you can be happy and live. Whatever choice that is... I'll understand and support you."

And then, Cedric finally cracked.

His shoulder shook as tears started streaming down his bruised up cheeks. His figure slumped forward until his head was nestled in Vanya's chests. His cries then escalated to sobs until he was wheezing and gasping for air from how heavily he was breaking down.

Vanya dropped everything and brought her arms around his shoulder. She softly brushed his black hair with her fingers, bringing her lips to the crown of his head. It was a habit she picked up from their mother whenever Vanya would cry for her father.

She gently rocked the both of them back and forth as she hushed, "It's okay, Ced... Things will be okay..."

And as the 21 year old man cried in the arms of a 15 year old girl, the sun fell on the surface with the day finally welcoming the night. The people on the topside went on with their lives while the people from down below succumbed into their deaths.

And Vanya wished that someone out there could tell her the same words she had told her brother. She longed for someone to reassure her that everything will be okay, and that someone would validate her feelings no matter how selfish it may seem. Someone who could tell her that she also deserves to be free, and be loved.

But for now, she needed to be that someone for her brother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You have got to be shitting us, Ced."

"I'm not, I'm dead serious!"

"Unbelievable... fucking unbelievable. Furlan, don't tell me you're in this too."

"I'm not, this could get us into more trouble than we already are."

"Come on! Just piss off the guards at the stairwell or anything to buy me time."

"We can't, when will you ever get that into your head, brat?"

Vanya suddenly awoke to the sound of harsh whispers that seemed to come from right outside their house. She sat up groggily from her bed and saw from the opposite side of their shared bedroom that Cedric's bed was empty. She scrunched her face in confusion as she squinted further to clear her vision from her sleep.

"For fuck's sake, keep it down, will you? My mom and my sister might hear us."

Vanya instantly shot up when she recognized her brother's voice from outside. She slowly removed her blanket and stealthily left the bedroom. The living room was empty and dark but she saw the front door not fully closed. It was left ajar, with a small gap letting the light from the lamp post seep into the house.

"Then why meet us here? It's safer in the hideout, what if your neighbors hear us and snitch?"

Another voice spoke but Vanya didn't recognize it. The unfamiliar man sounded so serious but his tone made him sound so thoughtful and sensible.

"No one's gonna hear us, our neighbors are mostly dead by now. Plus, I don't want any of our guys at the hideout to be involved. I just want it to be us three."

She heard her brother reply as she tiptoed closer to the door.

"Jeez, how fucking sweet, I could vomit."

Another manly voice resounded from the opposite side of the door. But this time, the voice sounded way different from the first voice. This voice was deeper, and gruff. His sarcasm in his tone and the way he sounded so irked made Vanya scrunch up in annoyance.

Vanya thought how unpleasant that stranger's attitude was and no way in hell did she ever plan on interacting with him.

She finally gained the courage to peep outside through the small opening of the door with only one eye. At the front porch, she saw Cedric's back facing her so she couldn't make out whatever face his brother was making. However, she spotted two men in front of him and theirs fronts facing her. One man had dark blonde hair with bangs swept over his forehead. With his grey eyes, he looked so earnest. He crossed his arms on his chest as he stared at Cedric, whom he shared the same height.

On the other hand, the other man's appearance was definitely eye-catching for Vanya. Because first of all, this man was shorter. His head barely reached the other stranger's chin. He had jet black hair, sporting an undercut. He also had bangs but it was split in the middle to reveal the grumpiest and the most intimidating face Vanya had ever seen. From the shadows, Vanya couldn't make out whether his eyes were gray or blue. But one thing's for sure and that he didn't appear to be the friendliest person.

 _Who are they?_ Vanya mentally thought as she continued to hide behind the door while peering through the gap. She also thought that the two strangers looked fairly good-looking and looked about the same age as Cedric. Or maybe Cedric was a tad bit older than them.

"They'll catch you, you know. Once they know you're from the Underground, you're dead," The blonde spoke up.

She could hear her brother sigh. "Then, I'll be as far away as possible from Wall Sina. After 3 years, I'll come back."

Vanya nearly gasped when she heard this. Questions started filling up her head. Far away? 3 years? Was he planning to leave? Where will he go?

The blonde man seemed as shocked as her, "3 years? That's long, Ced! What will you do in those 3 years on the surface?"

"The cadets training takes 3 years so --"

"Woah, woah, woah," The shorter man with the black hair interrupted him. His face soured even further at Cedric. "You're joining the military?"

Vanya inched closer to the gap, not believing what she was hearing.

"Better than loitering around and getting caught," Cedric retorted. "I need to be far away, maybe even join the Scouts if I have to."

"Out of all the places you get yourself into, why the fuck would you want to join the military?" Even though the way the black-haired man snap made Vanya flinch, she couldn't help but share his sentiments.

"Who would ever want to employ an illegal immigrant from the Underground, huh? In the military, they don't give two shits about whoever enlists because they're just that desperate for people anyway." Vanya could vividly hear the desperation in Cedric's tone.

"I don't know, Ced..." The blonde raked his hand through his bangs exasperatingly. "This all sounds too much. I don't think you can pull it off. And even if you did make it unnoticed up there, you still have Titans to worry about."

"You gotta trust me on this," Cedric pleaded. "I actually thought you're with me on this, Furlan."

Furlan, the blonde man, took a deep breath before shaking his head in disapproval. "I'm sorry, you're on your own in this, I can't help you."

"You're gonna get yourself killed, brat," The black-haired man clicked his tongue, disappointed. "You can't even last on the 3D gears."

"Everyone isn't born a fucking prodigy like you, Levi." Cedric said defensively. "And I'm older than you, so stop calling me brat and show some damn respect."

"Tsk..."

Levi, the short ravenette, rolled his eyes and when he did, his eyes landed on the front door. He caught the gap from how it was slightly ajar and from there, his eyes swiftly landed on the green eyes that were peering through it.

Green eyes that were identical to Cedric's.

Vanya, who was hiding behind the door, was caught by Levi himself.

Both of their eyes widened when they had eye contact but Vanya quickly broke it as she quickly scurried away from the gap.

Her heart had started racing from the anxiety and she slapped her hand to her mouth to steady her breathing. She couldn't believe one of Cedric's friends saw her and if Cedric knew she was eavesdropping, she could only imagine how shameful she'd feel.

"Oy, Levi, what are you staring at?"

Vanya's heart sped up even more when she heard Cedric asked.

She anxiously waited for Levi's reply. She shut her eyes tightly, anticipating that it was now the end of her; she could already foresee her brother reprimanding her.

"Nothing... Anyway, until you perfect the gears, I'll call you whatever I want, brat."

She opened her eyes in surprise, hearing what Levi had done. She was utterly confused, why didn't he tell her brother?

Vanya peered again through the gap even more curious than ever as she stared at Levi. Her world stopped when Levi once again looked back at her secretly. But this time, Levi was no longer surprised. Instead, he only raised a single eyebrow as he looked amusedly at her while Cedric was too busy convincing Furlan.

She blinked, not exactly knowing how to respond. But she felt the relief and the overflowing gratitude for this stranger.

She nodded at him, an implicit way of thanking him. He nodded back albeit very subtly. Then, Vanya sent a sheepish smile at him before she walked away from the door and silently crept back into her bedroom.

"Hmmm..." Levi mumbled under his breath. He had already guessed that the girl he had just caught was Cedric's sister.

And deep down, even if it was just a brief encounter, Levi felt that maybe it'd be nice to see this girl again. 

At the same time from her bedroom, Vanya lied down on her bed that night as she thought about those sullen grey blue eyes that showed kindness to her. 

Vanya thought that the ravenette didn't seem so unpleasant after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes!!! That was Vanya and Levi's first encounter and I am SQUEALING EEEEEEEEEEH. 
> 
> The conversation between Cedric and Vanya was difficult, I have to say. I want to show how human the thought of committing selfishness is. Don't we all want something for our own happiness too? Sometimes doing things for others gets reaaalllyyy tiring. In a way, Cedric was like Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter, the boy who had no choice :(((
> 
> Anyways, till the next chapter!!
> 
> I would appreciate if you leave a comment or vote hehehe. I love you all!
> 
> franki xo


	9. First Interlude: Written Goodbyes

_Vanya,_

_I'm so sorry for saying goodbye through this letter. I couldn't do it face to face because honestly... I'm scared. Stupid excuse right? I'm just so scared to see the disappointment or the hurt on your face, mostly mama's. And if I did, mama would only stop me. But I know you won't. I know you'd understand. Only you would understand why I have to do this._

_By the time you read this, I already have left the Underground and have gone to the surface. Or maybe in prison because those MP's have caught me -- but that's unlikely. You'll just have to trust me. And I'd rather you not know the means of how I was able to get on top. What's important is, I'm safe. Or at least, I will be._

_The reason I'm doing this is because I've thought about what you told me -- that I have a choice and a chance to be happy. And this is it, Vanya. I'm finally doing it, not only for myself but also for you and mama. I realized that life will get us nowhere in the Underground. It's hopeless. No matter how much I steal, or hurt other people, the money wouldn't be enough for mama's treatment. I love you and I trust you with your talents but mama needs to be treated on the surface and that will cost us our lives. And it has to be me who will make the sacrifice._

_I will try my best to earn a living and that's why I've made my choice to join the military. I heard that it pays well, although at the expense of my life. I'll be joining the Survey Corps so that the risk of me getting caught will be low since I'll be outside the walls most of the time. The training will be 3 years, and after that, I will come back to you and bring you and mama up here. Just 3 years, wait for me, alright?_

_Lastly, I went up to look for papa. It's about time that we find him. Or at least know what happened to him. I can't stand the fact that he's up there enjoying his life at Stohess while we're all down here suffering. I will find him and when I do, I promise I will bring him home to you. I know how much he means to you and bringing him home is the least I can do._

_Don't come looking for me. Please. You'll just have to trust me. Stay there with mama, she needs you. Stay out of trouble, hide your face if you must because chances are, there are still dangerous people in the Underground chasing after me due to unfinished businesses and it's likely that they'll chase you down too. I'm sorry I had to drag you into my mess. Just lie low, don't go out too much._

_3 years, that's all I'm asking. After that, hopefully I'll be financially stable enough to buy you and mama citizenship. Have faith in me._

_I will see you very soon, okay? I'm sorry I had to say it like this, through a letter. Tell mama that I'll be fine, that she has no reason to worry about me. That goes for you too. I pray that you and mama will forgive me for doing this. For doing the same thing papa did. But the difference is, I'll come back home, I'll make sure of that._

_I love you, Vanya. I love you and mama so much, I'll miss you. I will always be thinking about you two... Goodbye._

_Cedric_

_P.s. if ever you did get into trouble, look for Furlan Church and Levi. Won't be too hard finding them, I promise. They're good people and you can trust them._

_Most especially Levi, you'll know him when you see him._


	10. Life in the Underground, Part 3: When Fate Reunites Them

**_Year 841_ **

Vanya carefully wrapped the new born baby girl with a warm blanket after finishing washing off the blood and cutting off the umbilical cord. Her cries after coming out from her mother's womb had already subsided, leaving the baby in a deep slumber in Vanya's arms.

"Here you go, sir." Vanya smiled as she handed the baby to the man who was anxiously waiting behind her.

"Oh! Ummm.. thank you..." The man stammered as he hesitantly raised his arms to the child, only to draw his arms back quickly.

"Well... you see... I kinda.... don't know how to hold a baby..."

Vanya blinked a few times at the father of the child she was holding before she gave an understanding look.

"That's perfectly fine," She chuckled, making the father sigh in relief. "I believe she is your first, am I right?"

The father nodded sheepishly. "Yes, I'm quite nervous. I'm still new to this whole fatherhood thing."

"I have faith you'll get used to it in no time." She said reassuringly as she walked over to him. "Now, I'll teach you how to hold her. How about you fold your arms in front of you?"

The father complied, folding his arms to his chest as if he was cradling something invisible. Vanya then gingerly laid the baby in his arms, ignoring the nervous whimpers from the father's lips.

"Now, just use that hand to support her head and neck."

She observed as the man precariously slid his hand underneath his daughter's tiny head. When it looked like the baby was securely snuggled in his arms, Vanya slowly removed her arms that were supporting his and stepped back to assess.

"That's better..." She breathed, taking in the sight of the father who looked awestruck as he gazed at his child lovingly. She felt a painful memory stir inside of her but she ignored it. "See? That wasn't so bad."

"Yeah..." The father mumbled, a smile started peeking on his face as it dawned on him how beautiful his daughter was.

"What will be her name?"

"Angeline," The father smiled kindly at her. "My wife insisted on it."

"That's a lovely name." Vanya said as she fondly gazed at the man who looked like he had fallen in love with the tiny creature in his arms. She wondered if her own father looked the same when she was newly born. Or if her father was even there when she was born

"I should go check up on your wife before I take my leave." She uttered a bit too quickly, wanting to shy away from any thoughts related to her father who still hasn't returned after 3 years.

"Yes, please do," The father led Vanya to the small bedroom and as they entered, they were greeted by the sight of a woman lying on her bed with eyes closed and her chest breathing deeply. She still had beads of sweat on her face from her labor and she looked so worn out that it seemed it was impossible to wake her up.

"Oh my, I'm afraid she's too exhausted, how will you tell her the things she needs to know?" The father frowned.

"It's fine, Mr. Brown, I'll just tell you and you'll just have to orient her when she wakes up."

"Please, just call me Aaron."

"Okay then, Aaron," Vanya smiled before reaching into her bag and pulled out a small pouch. "Now, listen carefully, the postpartum period will be very difficult, I'm afraid. She'll be experiencing a lot of mood swings, anxiety, difficulty in sleeping, and even depression due to hormonal imbalances -- that's normal."

While Aaron Brown's expression distorted into a mix of worried and overwhelmed, Vanya pulled out packets of tea bags from the pouch. "I advise that she takes this herbal tea. I made sure that this will calm her down. Understood?"

Aaron nodded vigorously and then she then pulled out a small glass bottle with a dropper for a cap. "Also, she'll be experiencing some pain as well or contractions. It's due to the uterus going back to normal again. To relieve those contractions, give her 20 drops of this tincture, and she'll be fine."

Vanya then proceeded to take out a large packet full of crushed leaves and petals. "Boil these in water and then you can soak a cloth or towel in it and use it as a compress on her belly, that will also help with the pain, alright?"

The father could only blink from the information overload, all while he still had little Angeline sleeping peacefully in his arms.

"Don't worry, Aaron." Vanya chuckled, seeing his face so dumbfounded. "Everything she'll be needing to cope with her postpartum period is all in this little guy."

She then laid the pouch filled with the essentials on the nightstand beside her bed.

"Thank you so much, Vanya." Aaron said sheepishly before gently laying the sleeping baby in the makeshift crib beside him. Then, he dug into pockets and pulled out two crumpled pieces of paper, and four coins.

"I'm afraid..." The man stuttered. "This is all we have..."

Vanya stared down at the measly payment in his hand. With that amount of money, it can only buy her maybe two apples and a half a loaf of bread.

Aaron was expecting the girl to spite the man for only paying her so little after all the valuable essential oils and services she offered. But to his surprise, she softly smiled with eyes so reassuring and kind.

"Whatever you can give, Aaron." She said with compassion and picked up the four coins, leaving the two paper bills on his palm.

"Wait, wha --"

"Make sure you use that to buy yourselves some supper."

The man was speechless, with eyes bulging and jaws dropped. Then, he swiftly bowed that Vanya nearly jumped in surprise by how quick he was.

"T-thank you so much!"

She gazed at the man who was facedown with wide eyes. His shoulders were trembling and so were his hands that were clenched at his sides.

"P-please, stand. No need to bow down," She said with a startled tone as she pushed his shoulders up so that he was standing upright again.

When the man was upright, his eyes were already red, pooling with tears. He then reached for her right hand and cupped it with care.

"I pray that life will abundantly bless you for your compassion."

Vanya felt her heart soften. She opened her mouth to say something when they both heard a moan from the bed.

"Mmm.. honey.. W-where... are you?"

Vanya and Aaron turned their heads to the woman who was now awake from her rest.

"Hello, Ms. Judy." Vanya knelt by the bed and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"How long was I out? Where's my baby Angeline?" Judy groggily asked.

"About 20 minutes," Vanya then gestured for Aaron to hand the baby to his wife. "And your beautiful baby is right here..:"

Aaron then appeared beside Vanya with the baby girl in his arms. Judy's face instantly lit up at the sight of her daughter. "Let me hold her."

The husband gently laid the baby in his wife's arms as Judy admired the tiny girl she was holding lovingly.

"I've been meaning to ask you, Vanya." Judy looked up at Vanya.

"Yes?"

"How old are you?"

Vanya was slightly taken aback by the random question but she politely responded, "I'm 18 years old, ma'am."

"My, aren't you too young to be a midwife?"

 _Midwife.._ As much as she had all the respect for the profession, she didn't want to be one. She wanted to be a doctor, a licensed physician. But for now, she needed to be a midwife.

"I guess so."

"But your age is just right for my son!"

"Wait, what now?"

Vanya tilted her head, confused while Judy chuckled.

"My son... he's out there working right now. He's 22, you see," Then, the woman cheekily wiggled her brows. "He's single."

"O-oh!" Vanya began fiddling with the strand of her hair, trying to muster a polite reply. "Ummm... you see... I'm not interested in seeing someone right now."

Judy raised an eyebrow. "Why so?"

"I'd rather focus on making a living for me and my mother at the moment."

"I see..." Judy sighed. "I understand. Although a pretty face like yours would be a wonderful addition to the family."

The young girl's face instantly flushed. "I'm flattered. But I'll have to decline for now."

"Maybe in the future you would consider it?"

Vanya stood up with a tight smile and empty eyes.

"Will I even have a future?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vanya was strolling down the dingy marketplace right after Judy's labor. Though she had only accepted a tinsy amount of the payment the family had offered her, she figured that she could still treat herself regardless.

Lately, she had been working even less. Fewer people were availing her services due to the sudden inflation in prices. Not only did the price to purchase a pass to the surface went up but so did other commodities like water, and food. Thus, Vanya was left to have only about 1 patient a week as compared to the past years when she would have at least 1 per day because these days, families would rather do the labor themselves than having to pay expensively for someone to do it for them. As her patients and efforts reduced, so did her savings just for her and Lily to survive.

She pulled her shawl up to fully cover her red hair and the lower half of her face. Like what Cedric instructed, Vanya needed to hide her face. Apparently, some dangerous people were still on the lookout for her brother who has not returned yet even after 3 years had already passed. But fortunately, she hadn't encountered even a single dangerous thug.

Yet.

Vanya was scanning through the marketplace. As usual, there was nothing much as expected from the impoverished city. She could see vendors selling suspicious looking trinkets and moldy vegetables. But her eyes landed on a particular stall that was displaying something vibrant orange at its stand.

"Apricots..." She gasped, her eyes widened ravenously.

One particular stall was displaying a box full of fresh apricots, calling out to the young girl. The picture of her mother lying helplessly on her bed came into her mind. Lily loves apricots, and Vanya wanted to make her mother happy.

She approached the stall eagerly, and asked the old kind-looking lady at the stand.

"Hi, ummm..." Vanya stammered, still in disbelief to see fresh fruits in the underground. "These are apricots, right?"

"Fresh from the topside, ma'am!" The old woman chirped.

"And how much for one?"

"4 nickels!"

Vanya's heart slightly cracked.

In her pocket, she had the exact amount of four nickels, which was hardly sufficient to provide supper for her and Lily. She did all the hard work of delivering a baby and providing them medicines, only for it to be equivalent to just one apricot. Damn, she hated thinking about it but she wished she could've taken all the money Aaron had in his hands.

But Vanya was kind and she loved her mother.

"I'll take one, please." She fished for the only coins she had and gave it to the seller.

The woman gave her one apricot in return and Vanya held the fruit to her chest as if it was the most precious treasure she had.

"Thank you!" She smiled, but deep down she was internally crying from how broke she was now.

"Of course, dearie," The old lady flashed a toothless grin but then her eyes suddenly widened. "Oh, ma'am! WATCH --"

It was too late.

Something -- or rather, someone -- crashed onto Vanya's petite body, making her fall forward and onto the display of apricots.

The whole small stall collapsed under the weight of Vanya and the stranger, who also fell and was now groaning in pain beside her.

The old lady screamed, seeing her tiny business all wrecked.

Vanya felt a throbbing pain on her side from the impact, and she could feel the stickiness on her clothes due to her body crushing and squeezing the apricots with her weight. At this point, her shawl fell from her head and her whole face was now in full view for everyone to see.

"Ughh.." Vanya groaned, rolling onto her back.

"Fuck..."

The stranger that was sprawled beside her muttered. Vanya turned to the culprit who ran into her and saw that it was a man with a slim stature. However, he didn't seem to be so tall, seeing how short his limbs were. But that was all she could make out because he was wearing a dark brown cloak on him, covering his outfit and his hood was raised, hiding his features.

"What the hell?" Vanya carefully sat up, the pain on her side intensified which made her wince further.

She glared at the man who also sat up, but he did it so easily as if he didn't get hurt.

The man had heard her and when he turned, he suddenly froze at the sight of Vanya's bare face.

"What was that for? Look at the mess you made!" She snapped, flailing her hands towards the crushed apricots under them.

But the man, whose face was still under his hood, only stared at her. It was as if he recognized her from somewhere.

"Hey! Are you even listening?"

The stranger finally snapped out of his daze, before he sneered, "You were in the way."

"Oh, I was in the way?" She gasped in disbelief and frustration. "You, mister, weren't looking! It's you who's at fault here!"

"I don't have any fucking time for this."

The man pulled himself up onto his face and cringed the sight of the juices of the apricots sticking onto his cloak.

"My apricot! No, no no, I bought that with the only coins I had." Vanya moped, refusing to stand up. "Aren't you going to apologize?"

The man only scoffed. Underneath his hood, his eyes were rolling yet in his chest, he felt a pang he couldn't shake off.

He was about to say something snarky when a few meters away, a gang of scruffy men appeared from the corner.

"There he is! I need that fucking thief alive!" The man who seemed to be the leader shouted, pointing right at the cloaked man in front of Vanya.

"Shit," The man hissed and was about to run off when he heard one of the thugs say something that made him freeze.

"Oy, look at that girlie over there! Boss, isn't that Cedric's sister?"

Vanya froze, hearing one of those men say her brother's name.

"Huh?"

"Ah yes! Bring her to me, that son of a bitch still owes me."

Vanya suddenly panicked as the thugs started sprinting towards them while there she was, her butt still on the splattered apricots.

Suddenly, she was roughly pulled to her feet and felt the stranger's hands gripping her collar.

"Oy, move your ass, and let's go."

"But where? They're too many, we can't outrun --"

"Who says we're running?"

The man suddenly wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her close to his chest.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"Just shut up and hold on tight."

"Wha -- "

And before she knew it, her feet were already off the ground as they flew forward and away from the thugs.

She screamed at the strange lack of gravity, and she instinctively wrapped both of her arms around the man's neck as both of them continued dashing forward through the air. The wind swept her hair and face from how fast they were whisking away, and she felt like she could vomit seeing the ground meters below them.

Only then did she realize how they were flying. No, they weren't flying. When she looked forward, she saw the steel cords that hooked onto the buildings, which was responsible for reeling them in the air. The cords were all connected from the man's waist, and then it dawned on her.

The man was using the gear that was similar to the Military Police.

"Woman, you're choking me."

"O-oh!" Vanya slightly loosened her grip on the man's neck. "Oh god, are you an MP? Am I in trouble? Where are you taking me?!"

"When do you ever shut up?"

"I'm literally 10 feet off the ground with a stranger, how can I not shut up?"

"Tsk, you're just as annoying as your brother."

Vanya instantly shut up at the mention of her brother. She was about to question further when she felt her feet finally land on the ground.

They were in a dark alleyway and no one was in sight. The man released her and walked towards the end of the alleyway to peek at the streets.

"Okay, we lost them."

He then pulled down his hood so that he could catch his breath easily.

And Vanya felt her world seem to stop -- she knew him.

Raven hair. Undercut. Sharp blue grey eyes. Pale skin.

"You're..."

Suddenly, she felt like she was 15 again. It had been 3 years since the last time she saw his face during that one night when he stood at their front porch along with Cedric and another man. She knew those eyes -- she couldn't forget it. The stone cold eyes that met her for a brief moment, eyes that told her he could be trusted when he didn't tell Cedric that he had caught the girl eavesdropping.

"Oy, did all that flying make you sick or something?"

The man raised an eyebrow at Vanya, who was wide-eyed while her mouth agape.

"You're..." She whispered. "You're ... Levi."

The man named Levi didn't look so surprised at the mention of his name from her lips. He walked closer to her where he could meet her eye to eye.

Literally.

Vanya noticed they were the same height. Or maybe he was an inch taller.

Then the man, Levi, poked her forehead with his index finger and he leaned closer to her face until their noses were just a few inches apart.

"Stay out of trouble, brat."

He then stepped backward, dug onto his pocket and flung the object towards Vanya.

Luckily, she instantly held out her hand to catch whatever Levi had thrown at her and she nearly dropped it clumsily. 

When she opened her hands to see what he had given her, her heart softened.

She was holding an apricot. 

Maybe he was able to snag a piece before they escaped from the thugs. The thugs had called him a thief, after all. She was about to thank him but Levi was already walking away.

"Wait!"

Vanya tried catching up to his fast pace.

"My brother told me -- "

"Forget whatever your brother said," he snapped coldly without looking back as he continued walking away.

"And don't you dare come finding me."

Vanya stopped on her tracks, his tone truly intimidated her. He said those words as if she was some filthy leech he didn't want to touch.

"But..." She whispered inaudibly.

_He told me I could trust you..._

Levi briefly turned over his shoulder to give the girl one last look. His cold gaze seemed to falter slightly at the sight of his old best friend's sister cowering in the shadows of the alleyway.

"I mean it." He said with finality before his gear sprang back to life and flew him away.

Vanya was now all alone as she recalled the last words she ever got from her brother.

_They're good people and you can trust them._

_Most especially Levi, you'll know him when you see him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you find this chapter? ARE YOU GUYS EXCITED??? There will be more things to come for sure!! I just realized that the underground arc might stretch to 9 parts??? GOSH AAHH Because I'm telling you, A LOT will happen in the underground. Also, I really wanted to develop Levi and Vanya's relationship too since this is basically where it all started. So maybe by chapter 20, the story will be back again to year 850 after the Fall.
> 
> Till the next update!
> 
> Frankie xo


	11. Life in the Underground, Part 4: This is nice...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loool this is the longest chapter i've ever written with almost 8k words AAAAAAAA IM SORRY!

**_Year 841_ **

“Mama.”

“Yes, dear?

“What do you think of people who steal?”

Vanya sat by the dining table, sipping her green tea that she had grounded and brewed on her own. Lily settled on a rocking chair by the window, her weak and useless lower half covered with a blanket. The older woman was knitting yet again another shawl for Vanya to wear.

“Hmm…” Lily mused. 

She didn’t say anything after that, leaving Vanya hanging.

“Do you think,” Vanya cleared her throat, thinking her words carefully. “They’re bad people?”

“Do you?” 

Lily may have lost her ability to walk properly but the woman was still just as perceptive and wise as a sage.

“I asked first.” The younger redhead huffed. “But yes, I think they are bad people.” 

“I see…” The mother hummed. “Why do you think so?”

“Well, they just take whatever isn’t theirs!” 

“You’re right about that.” Lily looked at her daughter but her eyes seemed to say otherwise. “But do you think they have a choice?”

Vanya stopped sipping her tea as she began pondering over her mother’s words. It achingly reminded her of her brother who had ran away 3 years ago and hadn’t come back since. 

_You know I have no choice_.

“I suppose not…”

“These thieves, they’re not bad people.” Her mother leered out the window. “They’re only people.”

Then, Lily faced her daughter with sorrowful eyes. “It’s the system that made them bad.” 

Vanya grimaced, suddenly feeling so shameful for the way she saw those thugs. She kept forgetting how her brother was one of them, and kept denying that Cedric was associated with the group of people who would steal and kill. 

She couldn’t process how Cedric would ever be close with the likes of Levi. 

And now she was the one paying the price. Because of all the sins Cedric committed, Vanya now became the target of his enemies. He owed them, she remembered the leader of one gang saying that. 

And now, she had absolutely no idea how to fix this.

Or maybe she had.

But no, she couldn’t possibly do it. She’s not that kind of person. 

“Have you ever thought of doing it too?”

Vanya blinked away from her deep introspection. She looked up to see Lily was expecting an answer from her.

“Sorry?” Vanya said, baffled.

“Stealing.” The mother tilted her head in curiosity. “Have you ever thought about it?” 

“No!” She said defensively. “I’d never,” but deep down, the thought of stealing suddenly didn’t seem so bad.

Lily watched as Vanya’s face seemed like she was considering the idea.

"You don’t seem certain.”

“Why does it feel like you’re selling me this idea of me becoming a criminal?” The girl scowled, crossing her arms. 

“I’m not, dear,” Lily chuckled, turning back to her knitting. “But I just want to tell you, your life, your choice.”

Everything her mother was saying was all too vague for Vanya. But then it hit her.

Lily wouldn’t hate her if ever Vanya became one of them. One of Cedric and Levi. 

This very moment was reminiscent of the memory when Vanya told Cedric that if ever he left his family, she wouldn’t hate him. Vanya felt chills, feeling the wave of deja vu crawling under her skin. She was just like her mother, after all -- wise, and empathetic. 

“You’re 18 now, I’m sure you can trust your instincts.” Lily gently reminded her. 

“Yeah…” 

Vanya hated being reminded of how she was getting older by the minute. Every day was a reminder that she needed to hustle. No more play time, no more hopscotches on the street, face the real world, and work. Now she understood why Cedric felt so pressured. 

Whenever she looked at her frail mother, she could only think of how difficult and fragile her reality was. The truth was, her mother wasn’t getting any better. She was always lethargic and light-headed. Vanya thought that her condition would only affect her bones but it seemed to have affected her entire well-being. And Vanya not getting any patients in her line of work wasn’t helping at all. There were even days when they didn’t have anything to eat. 

She tried to brew every herb that she’d get from the crates from her mysterious sender and see if she could find a cure but to no avail, she’d end up with nothing. 

And so, there was only one thing left to do. 

If she needed to survive, she needed to do it the hardest way she could possibly ever think of. 

She needed to be one of them. 

But in order to do that, she needed to find that one man who had told her not to find him. 

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  
  


Vanya found herself back at the marketplace the following week but this time, she was in an alley hiding behind a brick wall among the empty crates and trash. She wasn’t wearing her usual clothes. She would usually wear a checkered day dress and an apron. But now, she was wearing dark trousers, a white long sleeved shirt, ankle boots, and a maroon cloak. She was used to looking so feminine but now, she felt like a different person. 

She pulled the hood of her cloak further to hide her face. She had been waiting at the alley for more than 2 hours, expecting some sort of action to ensue at the marketplace the way that happened the last time. But so far, the marketplace remained too peaceful for her liking.

There was still no sign of Levi.

Of course, she had no idea how heists work. In her whole 18 years of living, she had only witnessed maybe 3 or 4 major heists right in front of her. Well, 5 if it includes that one time Levi ran into her. It was funny how right at the moment, she was praying for someone to steal something and hoping it was the familiar ravenette who’d do it. 

But she was nearly waiting for 3 hours. She felt so stupid and hopeless.

“Who am I kidding?” She puffed a deep breath exasperatingly. “Why did I ever think he’d show up?” 

She was convinced the universe hated her. And so she turned and was about to leave the marketplace when a series of crates toppling over and running footsteps sounded at the center of the plaza.

“Don’t let them get away!”

Vanya instantly pivoted to watch the commotion. It was that exact moment when she saw the familiar short cloaked figure at the rooftop of a building just a few meters from where she was hiding. She was sure it was Levi from how the figure moved with agility. But another man with a similar cloaked outfit appeared beside him, and Vanya wasn’t so sure who it was. 

Both men had the familiar bulky metal gears at their waists, which made Vanya confirm that they were indeed the people she had been waiting for for almost 3 hours. 

“They’re at the rooftop! Quick!” 

There was a group of thugs in front of the building and they were about to barge into it to get to the two men on top but she knew it was too late for them. 

Because Levi and his companion had already jumped off the building and instantly, steel wires sprang from their bodies and hooked onto the pillars. They swung away with gas shooting behind them to speed them forward. 

Vanya gasped, in fear of getting caught so she hid in the shadows. When the two men passed by her blindly, this gave her the signal to chase after them. 

“I can’t lose them,” She whispered to herself before she ran after them. 

Luckily, the path the two men were following was only forward, They rarely turned to a corner, which was easy for Vanya to follow. She made sure she kept a distance from them, hiding behind a wall once in a while whenever she got too close. 

She was sprinting and panting but she didn’t care. She still had the sight of them.

“Why does it seem too easy?” She wondered as she continued chasing them. 

The last time she and Levi escaped from the thugs, they were able to lose sight of their pursuers in no time from how fast they flew. But now, she could still trail them. Their speed was fast enough to exhaust her but slow enough for her to catch up. It felt too easy.

It felt like they were purposely falling behind so that she can actually follow them. 

There was a bridge ahead of them. The two men swiftly swung under it and flew upwards and to the other side. Vanya followed suit, running under the tunnel where it was dark.

But when she emerged to the other side, the two men were gone. 

“No…” She whispered in panic. 

It was hopeless. She had lost them. She looked around to see the street was empty and it was silent -- no zipping sounds of the wires nor the blasting sound of the gas mechanism. 

“Dammit,” she groaned. 

She was about to walk back to where her house was when she suddenly felt someone cover her mouth from behind. 

“MmMhM!!” She tried to scream but the hand on her mouth was too firm. An arm wrapped around her torso and harshly pulled her under the bridge. 

She kept struggling, moving her body and head sideways but whoever was holding her was too strong. Then, she mustered all her strength and stomped one foot backwards, stepping onto the foot of her assaulter. 

“Shit!” The mysterious assaulter hissed in pain, letting her go. 

Vanya was ready to escape when another pair of arms grabbed her shoulders and roughly pushed her to the brick wall. 

Her body vibrated with pain at the impact. Her hood fell off her head, revealing her face and clearing her sight. 

She winced and looked up.

She was face to face with none other than the man she was looking for. 

Levi looked straight into her eyes, he looked deadly and extremely angry. Both of his hands were still pushing her shoulders to the wall, making it impossible for her to run off. 

Vanya trembled because of how close he was. His grip on her shoulders were too tight, she was convinced he’d leave a bruise. He was panting heavily, she could feel his breath on the skin of her neck and his glare told her he could kill her on the spot. Though he didn’t tower her, she felt like he was a large animal ready to tear her life apart. 

“Didn’t I tell you not to find me?!” Levi snarled angrily. 

Vanya flinched at the tone, her lips and her knuckles shook. She was scared and in pain.

“Y-you’re.. You’re h-hurting me…” She said with a small pitiful voice.

When Levi heard this, his eyes dilated for a millisecond as if it dawned on him that he wasn’t aware he was hurting her. He loosened the grip on her shoulders and dropped his hands to his sides.

When Vanya felt she was free from his grip, she turned to the side, hoping she could still run off. But a taller man appeared, blocking her sight.

The man removed his hood to reveal a familiar face. Dark blonde hair and firm grey eyes. 

“Don’t think about escaping,” He hissed, still in pain from having his foot stomped. 

“You’re Furlan,” Vanya gasped, recognizing the man he saw with Levi and Cedric three years ago. 

“How do you know that?” Furlan snapped, cautiously eyeing her. “And how do you know her, Levi?” 

He turned to his raven-haired companion who looked so stressed. 

“This girl,” Levi spat at Vanya’s direction as if she was something filthy. “She’s Ced’s sister, Vanya Ronan.” 

Furlan’s eyes widened. “No way…”

But the small girl was equally as surprised. Levi knew her name, she didn’t remember telling him. Maybe Cedric had mentioned her to them. 

“Now, what the fuck do you want?” Levi glared.

“I…” She gulped, she was clearly intimidated by him. “I need your help.”

“Of course you do.” 

“No, this is serious!” Vanya raised her voice, surprising the two men. “I’m in trouble, men are after me because of my brother... I don’t know what to do but Cedric told me to find you.”

“I can’t believe that idiot left you like this so helpless,” Furlan raked his hand through his hair, frustrated. “Look, kid, we’re not running a daycare here. We can’t protect you, we’re not exactly good people.” 

“I’m aware,” Vanya said sarcastically. “And I don’t need protection. I just need to be somewhere I can make an earning.”

“You mean you want to join us?” Levi deadpanned. 

Vanya nodded, making Furlan sigh heavily. “Our line of work isn’t easy, in case you missed it. And I don’t think you’d like it even.” 

“But I can be useful, I promise!” She said desperately, her eyes were practically begging them. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” 

Furlan and Levi looked at each other for a while, their eyes seemed like they were telepathically communicating. And then they turned to her.

“Can you use the ODM gears?” Furlan asked.

“No…”

“Can you steal?”

“I haven’t tried.”

“Can you fight?”

“Uhhh… no?”

“Can you at least hold a knife?”

“Does a scalpel count?”

“No,” Levi scowled. “You’re practically useless.” 

But Vanya didn’t want to give up. “But I’m a skilled medic! My father, he’s a famous doctor from the surface. He taught me -- “

“Yeah, we already know that. Cedric wouldn’t shut up about you.” Levi cut her off.

Vanya was surprised, wondering how Cedric would tell his friends about his little sister. 

“Then you already know how qualified I am, perhaps. I constantly get medicinal supplies from the surface. I can make medicines, medicinal herbal tea -- “

Levi slightly perked at the mention of tea.

“I can treat stab wounds, even stitch them up,” Vanya continued. “I’m as close as you can get to a licensed doctor.”

“But you’re not a licensed doctor.” Furlan rebutted. 

“I’m not,” She grimaced. “But I will be. Someday.”

“But you still can’t join us.”

“And why not?!” Vanya screeched, having enough of it. She was getting pissed. 

“Because your brother can’t leave us, betray us like that and suddenly give us this responsibility of taking care of his helpless sister!” 

Furlan’s eyes were flaring. His voice was so loud and vexed that it echoed all throughout the tunnel of the underside of the bridge. 

“Furlan.” Levi said warningly, trying to calm him down.

“No, Levi,” The blonde spat. “Cedric betrayed us and left to the surface. He _was_ our best friend and he had the audacity to throw us aside. He only cared about himself and escaped on his own.”

Vanya froze, not believing what she was hearing. But she knew she was also accountable. She was the one who motivated her own brother to leave after all. 

“So what you’re saying is,” Vanya softly said. “You won’t let me in just because you hate my brother?”

Furlan contemplated over her words for a moment before replying, “Yes. That’s right.” 

“Unbelievable.” Levi muttered inaudibly. He actually felt annoyed for how immature his friend was acting. 

“That’s unfair.” Vanya frowned. “I really need this chance, please. My mama… she’s sick.”

The two men suddenly felt alarmed, hearing this.

“She too, huh?” Levi raised an eyebrow.

Vanya nodded slowly. “Please… please let me join.” 

Levi's gaze softened. She looked so small and fragile, the exact same picture he saw when she was hiding behind the door three years ago when she was eavesdropping. She looked so helpless that without their protection, she might not last long in the Underground. 

“I told you,,” Furlan took a deep breath. “We can’t.”

Vanya bit her lip. She then shifted her eyes to Levi. Her emerald eyes were silently begging him to take her in. 

“Levi, please…”

Her stare was so intense and desperate. At the mention of his name with a desperate tone, it was stirring something in Levi’s chest. It was a strange feeling, something he had not felt before. 

But at the end of the day, it was always Furlan’s call.

So, Levi turned his head to the side, looking away from her. 

Betrayed. That was all Vanya could feel.

“My brother…” She said with a tone so gentle. “He told me you were good people. He told me I can trust you both.” 

The emotion laced in her words startled the two men. They couldn’t believe Cedric would tell her about them. 

“It sounded like there’s no other person in his life he could trust more than you two.” She added. 

Vanya saw Furlan’s knuckles clenching. He seemed to be hiding so much pent up anger for her brother. She could feel the pain Cedric had inflicted on him and she perfectly understood. 

But unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to convince Furlan.

“I’m sorry, we can’t help you.” 

And then, Furlan turned around and walked away, leaving Levi and Vanya behind. 

Levi sighed, stepping forward to follow his companion but Vanya stopped him.

“Levi.” She called out. 

He instantly turned, he still wasn’t used to her saying his name with her soft voice. 

“Not you too…” She mumbled. 

Levi sighed. He hated feeling this, the feeling of abandoning someone. Most especially if that someone was special to his best friend. 

Because he knew exactly what it felt like to be abandoned. 

“I’m sorry…” Levi genuinely said. 

It was the first for a long time he had shown any emotion to someone, and that someone had to be someone he barely knew. But he couldn’t help it when the girl was looking at him with those eyes. It was as if she could hypnotize him with her kindness. 

But like Furlan, he also walked away.

And Vanya was now left alone again in the darkness. 

  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  


She was walking on her way home after treating a patient who was exhibiting symptoms of scarlet fever when a young boy whose face was full of dirt and grime had approached her.

“Vanya!”

The preoccupied girl turned to see her 13-year-old friend she could always rely on when she needed favors. 

“Hey Jackie,” She giggled, ruffling the boy’s shaggy brown hair. “Were you able to find it?”

“Sure do,” He beamed triumphantly, handing her a folded piece of parchment.

Vanya took it and tucked it in her pocket where she made sure it would be safe and secured.

“Oh Jackie, what would I ever do without you?”

She reached into her other pocket and pulled out three coins. Jackie greedily ogled at the sight of his reward.

“Here you go, dear.” 

Vanya dropped the money onto the boy’s palms as she watched him grin like a kid who had just received his Christmas gift. 

“Sweet!” The boy whooped. 

“Spend that wisely, okay?” She smiled at him but then her face shifted to a serious look. “You made sure you didn’t get caught, right?”

“Trust me, I was sneaky as a cat.” Jackie smirked.

Vanya chuckled. “I bet you were. Now, off you go, kiddo.”

The young boy winked at her before he turned around and ran to where the marketplace was, probably eager to buy whatever three nickels could give him. 

When the boy had already disappeared, Vanya reached into her pocket and pulled out the parchment paper Jackie gave her. She unfolded it and saw that the boy had messily scribbled an unfamiliar street name. 

“Where is this?” She wondered out loud. She realized she’ll have to ask people for directions. 

Gripping her medical bag, she took a deep breath before beginning her journey to the place that was written on the paper.

The exact place where Levi and Furlan live. 

  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  


After an endless series of asking sketchy strangers if they knew the street that was on the paper, she had finally arrived at the block where the supposed hideout was located.

Vanya had just about enough of people giving her the suspicious looks whenever she would mention the street name to them. Whenever she would ask, most people would only snide at her and ignore her inquiry. It was as if the street name was a taboo, a place that no one would dare go to. 

But luckily, it took only a signature sweet smile (and a bundle of her most precious sages) for her to obtain the information that she needed. Eventually, an old man was willing to give her the directions. 

And so, Vanya found herself walking down the said street until she stopped at the end of a block, where a small staircase led up to a door of a small building. Small, but too big for only two thugs to live in. And certainly bigger than her house.

 _Maybe they’re not the only ones living there?_ Vanya presumed. _But then again, maybe this is the wrong house_.

Yet, at the back of her mind, her guts were telling her that she was standing in front of the right building. Betting everything on her intuition, she carefully trudged up the staircase and paused when she arrived at the door. 

And then suddenly, she felt like a whole new species of an idiot. She didn’t exactly plan how she was going to face Levi and Furlan after that unpleasant encounter at the bridge. She was too fixated on bribing a kid that it didn’t exactly occur to her what she will do once she finally finds them. 

She couldn’t just knock on the door, and simply smile at them as if she was an old friend paying a visit. Because chances are, they would most likely kick her out. The two men had already made it clear that they didn’t want anything to do with her no matter how many times she forced herself into their lives. 

But Vanya was everything but a quitter. 

“Ahh, screw it. If they kick me out, I’ll just come back tomorrow.”

Thus, she raised her knuckles, ready to pound on the door. If she was going to convince that she was worthy enough to join them, then might as well do it with all the might and ferocity she could muster. 

But just as her fist was about to meet the door, it was already flying open inwards, leaving her raised fist hanging in the air. 

She nearly lost her footing, startled at the sudden movement and was even more startled at the man who greeted her at the door. 

“Took you long enough, brat.” 

Levi looked completely unfazed by the baffled expression written all over her face. Vanya gawked at the dark-haired man who looked so bored, as if he was already expecting the girl to turn up at his door. 

“E-excuse me?”

“Can’t blame you though, you won’t get anything from asking random strangers for directions to this hideout,” Levi crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame. “Furlan and I made sure those folks wouldn’t snitch.” 

There was something ominous in the way he had said it; it sounded to Vanya that there seemed to have been a few threats involved just to keep those said folks' mouths shut. 

“An old man was able to tell me though,” Vanya smirked. 

Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes. “And at what cost?” 

“He took my last batch of sage,” She huffed. “That stuff was precious.”

“Didn’t really see you as someone with a knack for bribery,” He narrowed his eyes at her. “How much did you pay that kid, huh?” 

Vanya was stunned. She instantly knew which kid he was referring to. How did Levi find out about Jackie? 

”What the hell?” She squawked. “How did you know that? How do you always catch everything?” 

Levi arched a brow, amused, before turning around to walk back into the interior of the hideout. He left the door wide open for Vanya to see the room. 

To her surprise, the place was spotless for it to be inhabited by a gang of thugs. It didn’t seem like a room you would see in the Underground. The place was clean, there was a couch and she could see the sink from afar glimmering as if the owner had scrubbed it tenfold. She was even ashamed to admit that it was much cleaner than her place, which was basically a castle of littered grounded herbs all over the floor and dusted amber bottles containing chemicals. 

“Are you going to stand there all day like an idiot or what?” 

Vanya snapped from her moment of scrutiny before reluctantly stepping into the premises. 

“Do you guys really live here?” 

“What the fuck does that supposed to mean?” The man scowled as she watched her continue to question the decency of the hideout. 

“I mean, how’d you find all that time to maintain this place all while doing crimes all the time?” 

And from the moment those words came out of Vanya’s mouth, regret instantly hit her. Levi’s glare further intensified, clearly taking offense from what she had said. 

“Just because we’re thugs doesn’t mean we don’t practice proper hygiene here, brat.” 

She bit her lip, hating herself. She felt so stupid for always misjudging these people. Sure, they were criminals but that doesn’t always mean they’re less of a human being. 

She also needed to stop regarding them as “criminals”. 

“Sorry...” 

_Great, If I piss him more, the less likely he would let me join them._ Vanya mentally sighed.

“Tsk,” Levi sunk into the wooden seat at the table while he pointed her to the sofa. “Sit.” 

Vanya obeyed, not wanting to get into his nerves even further. She sat warily on the couch, dropping her bag at her feet and folding her hands on her lap. And then, an awkward silence loomed over the two.

"So…” She started, wanting to break out of the discomfort between the two. “How’d you find out about Jackie?” 

“Rule number 1 of being a thug,” Levi gruffed. “Don’t let anything get slip through you. If you’re so keen on joining us, fucking learn not to get caught.”

Vanya shrunk in embarrassment; the girl knew what he had meant. He had already caught her on a number of occasions. First was when she was aimlessly chasing after them only to be cornered at the bridge. And now she was caught, yet again, for bribing a kid just so she can find the hideout.

_Is there anything this man doesn’t know?_

“Whatever, at least I was being resourceful.” 

“A stupid one, at that,” He remarked harshly, making Vanya pout. Then he eyed the brown canvas bag at Vanya’s foot. “What’s in there?” 

“Just my work stuff as a medic,” She shrugged. “I just got back from treating a young girl’s scarlet fever.”

Right off the bat, Levi’s face scrunched in disgust, slightly recoiled from her.

“Don’t worry, I sanitized myself right away after I left.” Vanya rolled her eyes. “That’s protocol.” 

Levi still didn’t look fully convinced but eventually he relaxed. 

“Why are you here alone, anyway? Where’s Furlan?” Vanya finally noticed how it was unusual for Levi to be alone at the hideout at this time of the day.

“I stayed behind, they can do the heist without me.” Levi shrugged, crossing his legs and adorning his usual bored look.

“Or you stayed behind because you knew I was coming.” 

Levi didn’t say anything and only stared at her with an unreadable expression. 

Vanya was about to gloat how she was right when rushed footsteps echoed outside the door, followed by muffled voices that sounded so panicky. Then, the front door burst open and an unfamiliar man rushed in, with a petrified look. 

“Levi, something happened at the heist!”

Alarmed, Levi stood up from his chair. “Well, don’t just stand there. Fucking out with it.” 

“Furlan… he’s…” The man was catching his breath as Vanya and Levi hung on his words. “He’s injured. Fuck, he was bleeding all over.” 

As if some sort of automatic connection, Vanya and Levi looked at each other, sharing a similar terrorized expression. 

“Where the hell is he?” Levi rather shouted than asked at his companion. 

“T-they’re bringing him in, hold on,” The man stammered and only then did he notice a girl in the room. “Who is she?” 

Vanya’s eyes widened when the man was eyeing her as if she was an intruder.

“Doesn’t matter,” Levi replied hurriedly. “But she’s going to help us.” 

Before the girl even had the chance to speak for herself, another set of people came barging through the door. One man was hauling who seemed to be the injured Furlan with him. His white shirt was now tainted with the crimson color of blood that pooled at the abdominal area. Furlan looked like he was about faint, his face was white as a ghost and his blood dripped on the ground.

Vanya gasped at the sight as she finally stood on her feet, springing into a serious and professional mode.

“Bring him here on the couch,” her voice was firm, steady, and calm. 

Levi rushed right away to Furlan’s side, and gingerly brought the bleeding man onto the couch. They made him lie down until his body was fully faced towards the ceiling. 

Vanya knelt down at his side and brought her hand onto his forehead that was drenched in his sweat. “Furlan, stay with us, okay? I need you awake.” 

“.... V-vanya? … you’re…. Here?” Furlan breathed heavily, his eyes drooping and tempting to fall into unconsciousness. 

“I’m here, don’t worry. I’ll help you, alright? I just need you to stay with me. Can you do that for me?” 

Levi watched helplessly from her side. He couldn’t help but stare at how she was so gentle and calm with the way she was attending to his best friend as compared to the other men in the room who were acting so tense and jittery. 

Furlan nodded wearily as she then turned her attention to the source of bleeding underneath his shirt. “Now, I’ll lift up your shirt, okay? I’m gonna have to examine the wound.” 

Vanya then slowly peeled the blood-soaked shirt upwards to reveal a fresh long gash that was running diagonally across his abdomen. It had to be at least 6 inches long and the way it was still oozing profusely with blood just meant that the gash was deep. 

“I’ll need clean towels, or a cloth. And water -- a basin of it. Now.” 

“You heard her,” Levi snapped at the men behind them before they scurried to get what the girl was asking for. 

After Vanya was handed the things she needed, she folded the towel and firmly pressed it onto Furlan’s wound, making the latter hiss at the force.

“Levi, I need you to apply pressure to stop the bleeding.” She faced the man that was kneeling beside her with her unwavering eyes as compared to the anxiety that was undeniable in Levi’s. 

He nodded promptly, replacing Vanya’s hand with his own shaking ones as he pressed down the towel onto the wound. 

Vanya then reached into her bag and then pulled out a pair of gloves and her surgical kit. Levi couldn’t help but slightly gawk at the sight of the scissors, forceps, and tweezers all lined up, sparking his curiosity.

"He’ll be needing stitches,” Vanya spoke, as if she could read what Levi was thinking. “Otherwise, the wound will be infected and he could die from the complications thereafter.” 

Levi tried his best to hide any reaction at the mention of “die”. He bit his lips as he watched Furlan about to faint. 

“Oy, stay awake.” 

“F-fuck, I’m trying…” Furlan groggily said. 

“Remove the towel,” Vanya ordered, to which Levi followed. 

At that point, the wound had stopped gushing blood, which was a good indicator. All that was left was the raw opening of the tissue, revealing the red slimy flesh that greatly contrasted against Furlan’s pale skin.

Vanya then proceeded to scoop water with her cupped hands and pour it all over the wound to clean it. After washing her hands in the basin, she then wore her gloves and pulled out a small bottle containing an iodine solution and cotton balls from her bag to apply it around the wound.

As she finished cleaning the wound and the area around it, she then readied the tools she needed for suturing. 

“Hold on,” Levi spoke up as he watched Vanya pull out a nylon thread. “You’re gonna stitch him up without anything to numb him?”

Furlan tensed up at the idea.

“Only first rate hospitals have anesthetics,” Vanya muttered as she settled herself, ready to begin the stitching. “Levi, we’ll need to hold him down. I’m not gonna lie, this will hurt.”

She then glanced at the injured man apologetically. “A lot.”

“I can handle it.” But Furlan didn’t sound like he could. 

Nevertheless, Levi situated himself wherein he can easily pin down Furlan’s shoulders in case he struggled. 

“You’ll have to hold his hands though, he might lash out on me,” Vanya remarked, suppressing her urge to giggle at an inappropriate situation. 

Levi shot her a frustrated look. “You’re shitting me.”

  
“Does it look like I am?” She deadpanned. “Besides, there’s no harm in holding another man’s hand, don’t you think?” 

The short man intensely stared at her for a good 5 seconds, as if he was contemplating whether to leave his best friend bleed to death instead of giving into his utter disdain for any form of skinship. But alas, he heaved the heaviest breath he could muster before laying out his hand towards Furlan. “Give me your fucking hand.” 

“What are bros for?” Furlan managed to smirk before grabbing his best friend’s hand. 

”Okay, Furlan,” Vanya situated her needle on the flesh, at the brink of puncturing it. “You’re gonna hate me for this.”

“I already -- GAAAAAAHH!” 

She had already punctured his skin, leaving the poor blonde man a screaming mess.

“Well, isn’t that a joy?”

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  
  


“Tsk, how the fuck am I supposed to clean that shit now?”

Levi sat on the chair, as he watched over his dormant best friend pass out on the couch after what seemed like an eternity of nothing but agony. Not only for Furlan but poor Levi who was now adorned with scratches all over his forearms from Furlan’s fingernails digging into him to cope with the pain. It was hell -- no, that’s an understatement. It was a pandemonium. Literally. Until now, Furlan’s screams were still ringing in Levi’s head, accompanied by the punches and the scratches from him -- it took about 4 men to keep him still.

Levi mentally reminded himself that he’ll have to beat his best friend’s ass for that when that sweet time comes.

“Furlan’s literally all hurt and the only thing you can think of is your bloody couch?” Vanya retorted as she sterilized and cleaned her equipment at the sink. 

She, too, felt the immense wave of weariness after dressing Furlan’s wounds. The man struggled and fought like a ferocious animal that at some point, Vanya nearly poked her own eyes with the needle due to his relentlessness. But she was used to it. Anesthetics were indeed hard to come by; she never got one in the crate of supplies she’d receive and she found it all too peculiar. 

“Besides,” Vanya added as she wrapped up the sterilization. “I think you’ll just have to replace it.” 

“Oy, do you have any idea how hard it was to come by with a couch as decent as that.” 

“Nope, and practically, I don’t care.” 

She ignored Levi’s “fucking brat” as she made her way to where Furlan was asleep and knelt down. She gently laid a hand on his forehead, gauging his body temperature. She was satisfied when she felt the warmth of his skin that didn’t reach the threshold of a running fever. Because if his skin was hot, a sign of a fever, there was a high chance that his wound got infected. 

“Well, looks like you won’t be getting rid of me anytime soon,” Vanya said with a mocking tone at Levi. “I’ll need to visit every now and then to check his stitches.” 

“Whatever, do what you want, brat,” Levi mumbled. “How much do we pay you.”

“No need.” 

The raven-haired man narrowed his eyes suspiciously, her response sounded too good to be true for him. 

“What do you want.” His habit of demanding rather than asking was really getting on her nerves.

“You already know,” She said impassively as she lifted Furlan’s shirt to check on the stitches secured with a gauze she had dressed earlier. 

"You ask him, not me. It’s his call.”

“So if it was your call, you’d gladly let me join the group?” 

Levi didn’t respond nor didn’t twitch for a reaction. The man was indeed annoyingly indecipherable and vague as a foggy haze. 

Vanya sighed. Honestly, she was too tired to even put up a fight with the obstinate man. She felt this particular day to be longer than her yesterdays, clawing at every fiber of what’s left of her energy -- and she was hungry. _Gosh_ , she always was. One meal a day was taking a dangerous toll on her well-being, most especially for her mother. There were days when she didn’t eat at all just so Lily would have more share of food, though the latter would always object. “My patients would give me food sometimes,” Vanya would lie most of the time as an excuse to give her only slice of bread. 

And Levi -- he could see right through her. The man was astoundingly perceptive to details. He observed how Vanya’s cheekbones were more hollow than that time when he had run into her at the marketplace. The moment she entered into the hideout, he had ordered her to sit down because the sight of her sunken eyes already gave away the fact that the woman was in no shape to even visit their place (considering how far their hideout was from the center of the city). The thought of a skinny and overworked girl in a gang just didn’t sit right with him. Not even one bit. 

“Go home,” He said snappishly as a way to shroud the sheer concern he had for Vanya.

And the girl didn’t even object. The vision of her stiff mattress at her home and the soft hums of her mother were already beckoning her. 

But as she stood up on her feet, she suddenly felt a hand grabbing her forearm. Vanya looked down just in time to see Furlan hazily peeling his eyes open, with his hand keeping her in place.

“How are you feeling?” She switched from a fatigued state to a concerned medic in a flash. 

But Furlan didn’t answer her question, and instead, shocked her with what he said next.

“I’m sorry…”

His voice was hoarse probably from his endless screaming and cries two hours ago. But the authenticity in his apology was as clear as crystals.

“For what?” At this point, Vanya knelt down again at his side. 

“For being so shitty and immature.”

Shitty, yes he was right. He did downplay the poor girl who had only wanted a job during their last interaction at the bridge. But immature? That baffled Vanya. 

“You weren’t immature,” the redhead shrugged.

“Trust me, I was.”

"He really was," Levi piped in

“Trust me, you weren’t.” Vanya shined a smile so compassionate that it caught Furlan off guard. 

Furlan’s face furrowed in bewilderment. “And why is that?”

“My brother hurt you. You have every right to feel mad, it’s valid. I mean… he left me too, and I am his goddamn sister.”

She laid a comforting hand on his and her voice was as heartening as a bittersweet lullaby, consoling the man’s affliction. 

“But my point is, I know what it’s like to be abandoned by someone you love.”

And from the way Levi slightly shifted on his seat behind her, he too could relate to what Vanya had said. Being abandoned was truly a shitty pain not just in the ass but the entirety of his existence. Because when love and affection weren’t there to keep him safe when he was young, it was the feeling of being left alone in a void that was there to comfort him. 

“Yeah but it was stupid of me to…” Furlan couldn’t find the right words.

“Project your pain on me?” 

He stared at her, not completely registering how Vanya was taking this so lightly. It was as if the way he had scorned her didn’t even faze her even just one bit. 

“Yeah…” 

“That’s alright.” She lightheartedly chuckled (Discreetly, Levi shot her a snobbish face.). “Just means that you’re human. Don’t we all do stupid and selfish things to express how hurt we were?”

“Yeah, no shit,” Levi scoffed as he raised his forearms to reveal the remnants of Furlan’s fingernail marks. 

Furlan shot him a deadly look. “Oh, shut up, you’re not even part of this conversation.” 

"You also projected your goddamn pain on me, you fucking wuss. Can’t even handle a tiny needle…” 

Vanya’s smile grew like a daisy blossoming to welcome the spring time as she watched the interaction. She thought how it would be nice to be a part of it. To have someone to bicker with and tease and then end the day reminding herself that it’s in those light and mundane moments that make life in the Underground didn’t seem too bad. 

And she saw it at the very heart of this room, with one injured man on a bloody couch and a short grumpy man with a heart of steel. 

_This is nice…_

“So…” Furlan turned once again to Vanya but this time, he had a sheepish smile. “Do you forgive me?” 

“Well…” She stroked her finger on her chin, pretending that she was contemplating far off. “Do I get to join you guys?”

“God, Cedric will kill me,” He said begrudgingly. 

“Heh, but I doubt he’s coming home soon anyway.” Vanya tried her best to say it casually but her faltering eyes betrayed her to it. 

Levi and Furlan shared a brief but remorseful look. Their eyes were debating on whether they were willing to let their best friend’s sister be part of something that wasn’t simply for the faint hearted. But Levi caught the staunch glint in his companion’s eyes -- the look of someone who was willing to bear the responsibility. The responsibility of protecting the girl with fiery red hair that matched the fierceness of her heart. 

And that quality alone was already more than enough for her to be one of them. 

“You know what?” Furlan’s lips curled. It was the first time Vanya had seen him smile. 

“Fine, you’re in. “ 

Never had Levi and Furlan seen a smile being formed so bright that Vanya’s ecstatic face alone was enough to illuminate the shadows of the twisted city and bright enough for gardens to grow on the dead soils. 

“Thank you… I promise, I won’t fail you!” 

From there, Furlan’s smile stretched even further as a memory of a young man who had the same green eyes and bright smile as the girl flashed in his mind. 

He truly did miss Cedric more than anything. 

And having a piece of Cedric manifested in this steadfast 18-year-old redhead was enough to remind him that indeed, there was still hope. Life might snatch the ones he loved from him, but life never fails to bring someone new. 

_This is nice_ … 

Vanya was always told by her father that her smile was contagious

“Vibrant enough to outshine the morning sun,” Edward would tell her. 

And indeed, Furlan was one of the tens who wasn’t spared from the effect of Vanya’s smile. But when Vanya turned to the ravenette behind them, Levi still bore the same nonchalant façade even when he stood up and approached the pair at the couch. 

He knelt down beside her spot, leaned towards her and gently jabbed his index finger on her forehead. The gesture was reminiscent of that one time Levi gave her the apricot he stole for her in the alleyway.

“Don’t mess this up, brat,” he glowered with a tone that said “I’ll kill you” but with eyes that shined “I’m counting on you.”

Vanya was well aware of the many times she had made people smile with her own. Furlan currently beaming at their new recruit was endearing. But Levi -- he was a whole new species. How he could sport only one or two expressions remains a mystery to her. 

“I won’t.”

And she knew that one day, it’ll come when she would live to see a smile on the cold man’s face. She was going to make sure of it.

Because now, she was the new chapter into their lives -- the breath of fresh air. One that will bring back the joy and nurture the gang yearned for so long when the world gets a bit too loud for them to bear. But she will be there to shield them from the noise. 

The more she had stared into Levi’s eyes while his index finger remained on her forehead, she realized that she will have all the time in this world with this man. Though, she was not quite sure yet if that was good or bad, she’ll finally know what it’s like to live like Cedric who spent his waking moments in this very hideout where new memories will welcome her. 

(Oh, if only the poor girl knew what she had gotten herself into, knowing that her untidy lifestyle will clash into Levi’s finicky ones.)

But for now, this was more than okay. 

Her smile radiated at him more than the sunlight could ever offer. As if she was ready to take on the burden of the universe and take care of it with her gentle hands. Though Levi didn’t return the smile, she knew one day he would. Because after all, she had all the time in the world. All the time to know him, know what he likes and what he hates, know what drives him to rise every morning and what lulls him to sleep. 

She had all the time. One step at a time. And she’ll make the most out of it. 

As she glanced at Levi and Furlan -- her new family, there was only one thought that crossed her mind.

_This is nice..._

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO YAY SHE'S NOW PART OF THE GANG!! Next chapters will be full of fluff omg get ready, and Isabel will have her appearance soon! 
> 
> Till the next chapter!
> 
> Frankie xo


	12. Life in the Underground, Part 5: Vanilla and Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL I NEED YOUR HELP!!! 
> 
> Do you guys think that Levi knew he was an Ackerman growing up? Or did he only find that out during season 3 after knowing Kenny's last name? I'm actually really confused :(( 
> 
> OKAY CHAPTER 12 HERE WE GO

**_Year 844_ **

“The hair grows back, eh?”

A man, who had to be at least 50 years old with his saggy and wrinkled skin, blinked at Vanya who was humming a random tune whilst finishing wrapping a bandage around his head.

“You mean, once you get the scar on your scalp?” She stepped back to assess her patient whose head was now crowned with the bandage she had just dressed. She chuckled airily. “Sure.”

The man she was treating wasn’t just any other man. Though the decaying appearance of his skin and the flecks of white strands in his brown hair gave away his old age, his stature made him look as if he had just turned the ripe age of 35. He was built, brawny, and was almost about six feet tall that he still had to bend down even while he was already seated for Vanya to treat the laceration on his scalp.

He truly was the epitome of a refutable boss of a notorious mafia.

“Ah, Vanya, you never disappoint.” He said, pleased with the bandage as he surveyed his own reflection through a shattered fragment of glass that served as a makeshift hand mirror -- or weapon. “No one ever does it like you do.”

“You flatter me too much.” Vanya gave a polite smile that was actually concealing her gnawing urge to roll her eyes.

Silvester Reed had earned his title of being Vanya’s most frequent patient. And peskiest, if she may add. Being the boss of the most powerful gang in the Underground meant that he was always exposed to different risks. Gunshots, stabbing, nasty brawls, and whatnot. Thus, he had to suffer from multiple injuries in his line of work that necessitated Vanya’s expertise in medical treatment.

SIlvester would always choose Vanya to treat him. In fact, if there’s one thing that the man was right about, it was that indeed no one could do it like how Vanya dexterously does it. At least, in the standard of the city deprived of actual licensed professionals.

“What a waste of talent,” The man mused as his eyes darkened over the girl who was dispatching the bloodied cottons and medical tools.

But Vanya had heard him amidst the wastes she had to put away. “I’m happy with where I am, Mr. Reed.”

“And why is that?

The medic straightened her back from being hunched over the working table that housed her medical equipment and chemical solutions. She then turned to her patient with her lips curled, ghosting an elusive simper.

“I just am.”

The mafia didn’t seem to accept that as a valid answer from the way he gazed at her skeptically.

“Huh…” Silvester mulled audibly. “An asset like yours will do you good at the topside. I told you, girl, I can bring you there. Just work for me, and I’ll pull the strings.”

And there it was again -- the offer that always seemed to resurface for every time Vanya offered her service to the man. And she had visited for a total of 12 times, as a matter of fact. But similarly, that number alone tantamounts to the number of times she had to turn it down, no matter how beguiling the opportunities were.

Her head casted downwards. Her answer will always be the same. “Like I said, sir, I’m happy with where I am.”

And it was also because she was well aware of the shady operations that transpire within a mafia. Once someone signed a contract that perpetually ties them to the barbarity associated with the group, it was as good as making a pact and selling one’s soul to the devil. Had she fallen into the same fate of those people who were coerced to join, her talents would not only be wasted but disheveled as the bigger percentage of the money earned would only go to the boss, leaving her with scraps as a consequence for joining.

But other than that, what she said was the undeniable truth: she was happy with where she was and who she was with.

“Huh, I knew you’d say that,” Silvester’s voice shrivelled. Old age wasn’t doing him so well. “Sounds to me you’re already part of something. Which gang is it, eh? Name it.”

Had this been the first time she was asked that, her eyes would’ve twitched, along with her lips. She would’ve slightly shifted her weight on her feet, and her fingers would fiddle the hems of her shirt.

But three thrilling years of experience in the scene had already crowned her the ability to master the art of deception.

“I’m afraid I’m not. I work alone, always have, and always will.”

Her eyes glinted with a veil of innocence and mischief.

“What is it with you, Ronans, turning down such great opportunities, eh?” The way he had asked sounded as if it was a fascinating phenomenon than something he’d take offense at. “You’re no different than your foolish brother. To think that bastard joined _that_ shithole of a gang instead of mine.”

Now that rattled the redhead. Her fist clenched whilst she tried her best to hide the way she gritted her behind the false smile she plastered on her face.

She didn’t say anything. She knew it was wiser that way.

“How is that boy? Is he finally regretting for turning me down? Wasting his days like a rat?”

Silvester was deliberately provoking her, she knew this and hell, it was working. The man just knew which cord to tick off in whatever’s left of Vanya’s sanity.

“He left,” she said emptily. “I’m surprised you haven’t noticed.”

Six years. It had been Six years of Cedric being missing. Three years ago, he was due to come back as promised from his letter written in 838. But all that ever came were the parasitic sensation of blind hopefulness and jaded moments of waiting by the door, dreaming of the day when Cedric will appear with his head held high but eyes so warm as he says, “I’m home.”

But it was now the year 844, and still, no one had yet greeted her at her door.

“Huh, I see,” Silvester grumbled. Vanya was relieved that he didn’t say anything more.

Suddenly, someone frantically knocked at the door behind them and in went a man who appeared to be the same age as Vanya. His appearance was so eye-catching and it was most likely due to his buzzcut and his golden olive skin.

 _Interesting choice of haircut…_ Vanya thought.

“Boss, they’re at the 4th stair --”

The man stopped the moment his eyes landed on Vanya, an untrusted outsider who could potentially spread the valuable news he was about to report.

“What? Spit it out, Finnick!” The boss snapped impatiently.

Finnick, the man who appeared to be Silvester’s right hand, eyed Vanya warily yet curiously. “But boss, she’s -- “

“Ahh don’t mind her, she’s _just_ a medic. What could possibly go wrong?”

Vanya didn’t break her sweet smile. In fact, her smile grew even wider. Only this time, it was rather more smug than sweet.

_We’ll see about that…_

Finnick’s eyes cautiously glazed from his boss, to Vanya, then back to his boss’ face. Maybe Silvester was right; she was only a puny doctor. It wouldn’t hurt having her know a valuable piece of information that was most likely useless to her.

Or so he thought.

And so, he foolishly continued, “The suppliers of the arsenal are waiting at the 4th stairwell at this very moment, they wish to meet up within 10 minutes. And you’re not gonna like the price they’re demanding.”

Silvester prodded a suspicious look. “How much?”

Finnick grimaced as if something got stuck in his throat.

“Two grand.”

Vanya’s throat sputtered a choke.

The two men weirdly glanced at her, not even bothering to ask if the girl was okay.

“Sorry, gentlemen,” she cleared her throat, swallowing the lump of her uneasiness. “Carry on.”

The older man shot her a dubious look before he replied to his subordinate, “Fine, fuck it. We’ll give it to them.”

Finnick curtly nodded. “Right away, boss.”

“But before that,” Silvester smirked at the only girl in the room. “Will you kindly escort this fine young lady on her way out?” His tone was suggestively playful and mocking, that it quite frankly offended the medic.

The younger man’s eyes slithered from her head to toe, triggering Vanya to reluctantly cross her arms on her chest to shy away from the feeling of being violated just from his lewd surveillance. She shrunk and subtly hugged herself tighter when she saw the salacious aura on Finnick’s face. As if he was impressed by Vanya’s figure.

“With pleasure, boss,” Finnick mirrored his superior’s smirk. “After you, sweetheart,” the flirtatiousness in the tone was undefiable as he stepped aside from the door to offer her a path.

Vanya hesitantly stepped towards the door while she felt her skin prickle as Finnick’s seething eyes followed her every movement. Vigilant and insatiable.

But she was fearless. Or at least, she had to be. And so, she straightened herself, raised her chin while her careful steps transformed into a proud strut. Vanya made sure to send Finnick a vicious stare before exiting the room.

“Show her how hospitable we can get. Maybe she’ll finally consider joining us,” she had heard Silvester say behind her.

“I could hardly wait,” Finnick sniggered before shutting the door of the room behind him. Turning to the lady who was already impatiently waiting for him, he gestured to the direction of the staircase that was down the hallway.. “Right this wa --.”

“I know where it is.”

She swaggered past him, making sure her straight auburn red locks that were styled into her usual prim ponytail slap his face when she pivoted towards where the staircase was.

It must have worked (considering how the man had to be at least 6 inches taller than her) since she heard Finnick cuss under his breath and mutter something along the lines of “this fucking bitch”.

“Jackass,” she hissed to herself as she walked away while he shortly followed.

“Miss Vanya, what’s the rush?” Finnick caught up by her side while wiggling his eyebrows cheekily.

“I have important matters to tend to.”

“Jeez, a busy woman, you are. Bet you’ve got a loyal clientele in your hands.”

Vanya ignored the man, pretending that Finnick was no more than a bee that was buzzing persistently in her ears.

“How old are you, huh? 20?”

“Had you asked me the other day, you would’ve been right,” she bluntly answered. “And why does it matter?”

At this point, they have already reached the first floor of the hideout. Vanya couldn’t deny; the place was huge. The ceiling was high and even had a worn down chandelier. Before they had reached the staircase, they had to walk through several doors that must have led to the sleeping quarters of the members of the mafia. And as far as Vanya knew, the gang had at least 50 members. This hideout was no home, it was a goddamn mansion that had its own generous share of land. Though the place was dusty and had no flare of order as seen from how the furniture were all over the space, the ominous grandiosity still embraced the space along with the torn wallpapers.

“Was just curious,” Vanya’s escort shrugged.

Just as Vanya was about to lay her hand on the knob of the exit door, Finnick stepped in front of her, blocking the woman’s way.

“Ah, ah,” he tutted, shades of devilry in his eyes. “Let me.”

Vanya narrowed her eyes at him briefly before stepping back to let him open the door for her. They were met by two older men who were guarding the entrance outside with rifles stationed in their arms. Finnick nodded at them before nudging Vanya to step out of the hideout.

“How about I walk you home, hmm? We don’t want a lady like you wandering the streets at this hour.”

“I’m fine on my own, thank you,” she snapped through her grinding teeth and changed her demeanor to that of a taunting one. “And don’t you have a trade to arrange? Surely you don’t want the two grand falling on the wrong hands.”

“Touché,” he said, enthralled by how fast Vanya picked up information and retained it.

“I’ll be off then.”

Vanya was about to step off the property when she felt his heavy hand on the small expanse of her back, right between her shoulder blades. As if an electric shock struck a nerve, she stiffened at his touch. She felt the distasteful chill coursing up her spine when Finnick’s hand slid towards the exposed skin on her nape, and then to her right shoulder, where he squeezed it.

“I’ll see you soon, sweetheart,” he whispered in Vanya’s ear, his hot breath restraining her from his grasp like an invisible force impeding all her motor function. Her heart thrummed in an anxious chase for safety that was nowhere to be found.

Her breathing hitched when Finnick finally leaned away while dropping his hand from her shoulder. Vanya felt all the tension evaporating, realizing how much strain she was suppressing at his sheer proximity.

She didn’t say anything, ashamed that she might only muster a squeak. She finally waddled from the hideout without looking back. But Vanya felt his eyes wandering all over the back of her figure, scrutinizing every movement like a hawk ready to seize its hopeless diminutive prey.

She finally released the breath she was holding in when she turned to a corner, the sight of the mansion disappearing from her sight. She deliberately followed a path that led to an abandoned alleyway and from there, Vanya was greeted by her two best friends who had been waiting for her arrival, with their ODM gears tucked at their waists.

“So? Did you get anything?”

Furlan was the one who spoke first.

Vanya grinned triumphantly. “Oh, you’re gonna want to hear this.”

“Oy, who was that guy with you just now?”

Levi didn’t seem as eager to know what news she was about to break from the way he wore his not-so-new irritated scowl.

“Huh?”

“Tsk, the brat with the stupid haircut who escorted you out,” the short man’s scowl creased even more. “Aish, just turn around.”

“Uhhh… okay?”

Vanya twirled on her feet playfully, sloppily miming the way a dancer would twirl just to spite Levi but the man wasn’t having any of it. He suddenly grasped her shoulders from behind, inspected every inch of her back the way he would meticulously inspect for any signs of dirt during his scrupulous cleaning sessions.

“Woah, woah, woah, so now we’re getting touchy, huh?” Vanya snorted but not really minding the way Levi was gripping her as the man continued his search for anything that was strange on the girl’s body.

To be fair, the girl had every right to question. The only times she and Levi had physical contact in the three years of her membership in the gang, and three years of their bizarre dynamic of a friendship were:

 **Exhibit A** : Levi pushes Vanya’s petite body off the couch to force her to clean her mess at the hideout

 **Exhibit B** : Levi flicks her nose and her forehead in cases when she would resist and say she’s not in the mood to clean

and **Exhibit C** : Levi pulls at her ear, dragging the whining girl to the location where her scattered herbs, pots, ceramics, and other unnecessary trinkets laid unattended.

Unfortunately, if one accounts for the other times when it was Vanya who does the nagging for every time Levi reorganizes her belongings without her permission, and thereby, jeopardizing her unique mental system of knowing where to find her things exactly where they are in her messy pile, **Exhibits D** to **Z** wouldn’t suffice.

Because honestly, they lost count on many times they’ve had physical contact that were always associated with their never-ending bickers and banters.

So maybe, in a sense, Levi and Vanya were touchy after all. But not in the friendliest way people would expect from a duo who had been inseparable best friends for three adventurous (and excruciating, if Vanya would add) years.

“That son of a bitch touched you with his filthy hands,” Levi snarled, finally releasing and pushing her off. “And did you even see his dirty looks at you, huh?”

“Well -- “

“Of course you didn’t, brat. This is the last time we’re going to send you as our insider.”

“Excuse me, I don’t think you’ll ever find anyone in our group who’s as pretty and innocent-looking as me. Or maybe Yan, but he’s too much of a saint to lie.”

“Who says you’re pretty? For someone who eats those leaves shit all day, your face sure is pudgy.”

“DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT?”

“Okay, both of you, shut it. We’re running out of time,” Furlan groaned, separating the two ferocious people whose faces were already inches away from each other, and inches away from engaging into a grotty fight.

The sensible blonde man then faced Vanya with a concerned face that she had grown to appreciate every time the girl was at a potential risk. “Are you okay? Did that man do anything to hurt you? Harass you?”

Vanya shook her head.

But the look on Levi’s face alone gave away the fact that he wasn’t convinced.

Furlan sighed in relief, accompanied by his hand patting Vanya’s head. She observed in the course of three years that the man had grown to develop the habit of doing that gesture. It was his endearing way of showing his care for her, the way a brother would look out for a sister. It had always been that kind of dynamic between the two. If Levi was that type of best friend who would beat the shit out of anyone who’d dare touch the girl, Furlan was the one who’d hold her trembling hands during the days whenever she’d feel too shaken and afraid. Or the days when they would occasionally sit at the rooftop together, just the two of them talking about Cedric, a frequent topic of interest that evoked painful sentiments they both shared.

“Okay, good, thank heavens,” And then Furlan switched to a more serious phase. “Now you were saying something? What were you able to get?”

“Gentlemen,” she cleared her throat as if she was a servant about to deliver a grand announcement from the king. “We’re gonna be rich.”

This piqued the two men’s interest.

“And how much are we talking about?” Furlan asked.

Vanya smirked. “Two grand.”

It was comedic how her two best friends bulged their eyes like saucers.

“Well, I’ll be fucking damned,” Levi muttered as he started pacing back and forth, buzzing with thrill. “Oy, you’re sure you heard it right? When was the last time you cleaned your ears?”

“I’ll have you know, I clean my ears regularly,” Vanya huffed. “And yes, I heard it with my own ears. And they said something about meeting up with suppliers of arsenals, most probably from up top. A trade off, I assume.”

“Two grand for weapons?” Furlan whistled. “That must be shit loads of guns. We’ll have to loot those too. When are they doing the trade?”

“They’re about to leave right now. They’ll meet up at the 4th.”

“Then why the fuck are we still standing here?” Levi snapped as he readied his gears.

Farlan did the same, pulling out the pistols of his gears. “Right, we’ll need to alert the rest of the group and call for back-up just in case.”

“What about me?” Vanya questioned keenly.

“You go back to the hideout where you’ll be safe, you already did your part in there.”

“How boring,” the girl grumbled, crossing her arms like a kid.

“Plus, it’s a special day today. No reason to overwork you.”

“I only stitched Reed’s scalp and acted goody two shoes in there. I’m pretty sure I can do more to help.”

“You’re a medic, not a fighter,” Levi glowered at her immature demeanor. “Can’t even throw a decent punch.”

“Whatever, fine. I’ll be waiting at the hideout.” Vanya rolled her eyes in defeat.

“Good girl,” Furlan patted her head once again.

Vanya poked her tongue out to the two men before turning around to walk back to the direction of the hideout.

“I’ll see you at home!”

The two men watched their best friend walk away and eventually disappear as the word “home” to refer to their hideout hung on the air like a spirit, and sank into their hearts which held a special place for the redhead.

“Home… huh,” Levi pondered out loud before shooting his hooks and flying away to execute their heist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The kettle that was heating at the stove whistled to signify that the water had reached its boiling point and from there, Vanya heard the front door open, followed by footsteps rushing into the hideout.

From the looks of pride across the men’s faces who just entered, the operation to hijack the two grand worth of cash, and arsenals was a success. The men were bringing in heavy crates that must be filled with guns, gunpowder and all other sorts of weaponry Vanya had no intention of using.

About five men entered first with crates in their hands, and right after, Levi and Furlan were the last to enter the hideout with the similar prideful faces. Though the former still bore a nonchalant expression, the slight curves at the corners of his mouth were detectable.

“Welcome back, boys,” she greeted with a warm smile as she poured the hot water from the kettle into a teapot.

They had arrived just in time to see one of Vanya’s usual experimentations on what herbs she could incorporate in her tea concoctions she’d usually give to her patients.

“Oh!”

Vanya yelped when Furlan wrapped his arms around the girl’s waist from behind, lifted her off the ground, and eventually spun her.

“We’re fucking rich! I can’t believe we did it. You’re godsend, Vanya!” Furlan raved before gently dropping Vanya down, who was now a giggling mess. “How could someone like you be acquainted with Reed?”

The heist was her idea. It started with a rather casual conversation one late afternoon over tea when the gang was on the brink of tearing itself apart due to inactivity. At that time, their food supplies had been dangerously running low and because of the aggravating inflation, there was barely anything to steal because people didn’t have much in their pockets to begin with. Furlan at that time was stressing over the future of the group (or the lack of it) as his head lay motionless on the table. Beside him, Levi was busy wiping his already spotless pocket knife, and Vanya was sipping her tea when she broke the news: that she had a regular patient worth extorting from. She couldn’t believe she had it in her to be so deranged and odious enough to violate patient confidentiality and betray her moral code that Levi and Furlan had to even take a double take when their saint of a best friend said it. But then Vanya thought, screw confidentiality. Silvester Reed was a corrupt and greedy man, pretending to be some merchant when he was actually filching the supplies of essentials that were meant for others who needed it more. So yes, perhaps breaking patient confidentiality was only reasonable for this case.

“Then you have yet to know the rest of my clientele,” Vanya gloated whilst flipping her hair with a flick of her hand for the sake of it. “He’s not the only mafia boss I treat. I’m pretty sure I’m close with two more.”

“Tsk, and you think that’s something to be proud of?” Levi deadpanned.

“Without my connections, you wouldn’t have the two grand so, yes. I’m proud that I have some shady friends.” Vanya poked a tongue at him, whose glare intensified tenfold because damn, she had a point.

“What’s that smell?” Furlan just had to moan as he took in the lingering sweet and comforting smell that filled the room.

The other people in the room followed suit, sniffing the air around them. As the strangely therapeutic scent entered into their senses, they, too, fell prey and weak to the aroma the girl had just summoned into their hideout

“It’s vanilla,” she giggled at their reaction. “I tested if vanilla beans would work with black tea leaves.”

“The smell’s too strong in here.” Levi didn’t look too pleased in contrast to his other companions. “And why the fuck would you want to do that? Black tea’s already good on its own.”

“Oh, wait ‘till you try it,” Vanya said with sheer arrogance, bringing the tray of teapots and cups to the dining table. “And besides, I also brewed just plain black tea in case you didn’t like the vanilla-infused,” she added with a shrug.

“Which is highly probable,” Levi grunted. And the girl was right; he stared at the two teapots laid in front of him.

Vanya’s gesture of preparing an extra batch of tea just for Levi spurred something in him right at the pit of his stomach. Like something bursting or fluttering -- an unfolding raw feeling that he couldn’t deny. Also a feeling he wanted to repress.

But he was touched. And that was merely from an extra batch of plain black tea.

“Huh,” Levi only said because the man still couldn’t fully grasp the human decency of thanking someone through words because hey, actions speak more volumes anyway.

But Vanya didn’t mind and had no intention of pushing him. The girl was already adept at elucidating the man’s withdrawn behavior which was a tremendous learning curve not meant for the faint hearted. From the years of working for and with him, Vanya came to know that Levi would get uncomfortable with wording his feelings, or even acknowledging it. Even as simple as praising her for being able to cleverly lie upfront to their targets whenever she would act as their insider, save a member from their group who got stabbed or when she never misses a day without brewing his favorite tea, he still couldn’t manage to even form the words “thank you” with his lips. But Vanya never put those moments against him. Ever.

Because the truth was, Levi tries, he really does. And Vanya always sees that.

During those moments when Vanya deserves to be affirmed and acknowledged for her hard work, Levi makes up for it through small actions. It ranged from accompanying her to visit a patient, covering her with a blanket whenever she falls asleep on the couch, running some errands for her (in which there was one time he had delivered the medication to the wrong address, which bred to her ultimate decision of never sending Levi again to her patients), or simply expressing the fact the he enjoys her tea with a smirk so tiny, it was hardly evident.

Which he did the moment he sipped into his teacup as he gauged the foreign flavor of the vanilla-infused black tea.

“So? Whatcha think? Do you like it?” Vanya leaned her face on her hand as she sat beside him with an anticipating wonder, elbows propped on the table.

Furlan and the others seemed to do from the way their eyes lit up the moment the notes of vanilla tickled their taste buds. But Vanya was only interested in the feedback of her fussy friend.

“Hmm.” Levi continued sipping.

 _I do… I really do…_ He wanted to say but the words were stuck in his throat.

A grin sprang into the girl’s face like a daisy blooming in the luscious springtime. “Told you so.”

No one could ever read Levi as sharp as Vanya could.

But then, Levi reached for the teapot that contained the plain black tea, making the girl frown in dismay.

“What? You don’t like it?”

He poured himself a cup of black tea, sipped it before replying, “I like it better when you do things simple.”

Vanya merely blinked, not completely processing if she should feel flattered for finally hearing that he liked something at least one thing from her or feel offended for not even acknowledging her experimental concoction.

“So, you don’t like it. Okay then.”

Vanya dropped her head to brood but instantly felt a sharp pain on her forehead before registering the fact that Levi flicked her forehead.

“What was that for?!”

“Leave some of those vanilla shit here before you leave, you got that, brat?”

Vanya stared at him, confused until a soft smile crept into her lips when she finally understood.

“Okay.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How in the world were you able to get your hands on some jam?!”

Luis, a 17-year-old gang member who took part in the heist, gawked as he took a bite from Vanya’s homemade bread and butter pudding that had hints of peach jam in between.

Vanya only winked at the boy in response. Because deep down, she knew that only a few people could know where she was able to get most of her supplies, and including in that trustee circle were Furlan and Levi.

For six years, the bimonthly crate from the unknown sender from the surface had been consistently delivered to her front door. All throughout those years, the supplies had given her a sense of purpose as she utilized it to make a living for herself. A variety of herbs, solvents, tools, bandages, and all other sorts, but never a note. It had always been like that: a crate full of supplies intended for medical purposes. But for some peculiar reason, the latest delivery contained jars of peach jam, which was equivalent to luxury according to Underground standards, per se.

There were numerous foods that were hard to come by from where they live. Meat was the rarest of them all, salt would come a close second, and third was essentially anything that was sweet. “Sweet” was only meant for the taste buds of the nobility on top and the first time Vanya was able to experience that lavish taste was when her father would smuggle cookies and treats whenever he’d visit the Underground.

Thus, one could already imagine the surprised look on Vanya’s face when she opened the crate to see jars of peach jam, leading to the creation of her jam and bread pudding that she had made for the gang she had grown to adore.

“You didn’t have to trouble yourself, Vanya,” Jack, another young member of the gang, smiled gratefully at her.

“Trust me, bread pudding is the easiest recipe to do. Just slice up some leftover bread, add some milk, eggs, butter, honey, cinnamon, put it in the oven, and you got yourself some pudding.”

Furlan ruffled Vanya’s hair. “We don’t deserve this, thank you.”

Her face beamed at him in return. “You’re welcome. This day deserves some cake after all, but I have to be a noble to have one.”

“One day, when we have enough funds to get on top, the first thing we’ll do is grab some cake, okay?” Furlan gazed at the younger girl tenderly with a promise tying them together.

Vanya nodded with vigor, endearing the blonde man before he stood up and faced everyone who were now gathered at the living room.

“Okay everyone settle down! I’ll be distributing the shares from the operation -- and no, Luis, you’re not getting extra this time. I saw your supply of opium under the sink the other day.”

Luis pouted at Furlan. “I promise I have it under control, I’m not an addict, I swear!”

“Luis, seriously?!” Vanya shrieked like a mother scolding her child. “You know that drugs are bad for you!”

Furlan shook his head in disappointment as he watched Vanya smacking the boy’s arm repeatedly while she nagged him about teenagers resorting to substance abuse these days.

“Anyways, I’ll be handing it now,” Furlan sighed as he approached each member and gave them their fair share of cash.

One by one, the men smirked at their hard-earned money in their hands the moment it was handed to them. But when Furlan stopped in front of Vanya to give her share, the girl was baffled.

“Why do I get the same amount as them? Shouldn’t I have less?” Vanya stared at the thickest bundle of cash she had ever touched in her lifetime.

The gang always valued equity over equality. How much effort you exert will determine how much you will receive towards the end. Vanya’s role was only limited to being the gang’s sole healer, and occasional insider. Her innocent face had proven to be useful during those moments when she needed to act as a decoy to distract their targets while the rest of the gang stole whatever they needed surreptitiously. But she never fought, and she made it very clear from the beginning that she didn’t want to engage into anything physical and experience harming someone firsthand. This then led to an agreement between Furlan and Vanya three years ago when she first joined: she will be allowed to be part of the gang on the condition that she will have justifiably less shares.

She had no choice but to concur. So, naturally, Vanya had to question why she was holding the same amount of cash as everyone else in the room.

“We couldn’t have done this without you,” Furlan reached out Vanya’s hand that held the money and pushed her fingers inwards so that her hand was fully enclosing the money in her palm. It was a gesture that was insisting her to keep it. “And besides, it’s your special day after all,” he followed up with a wink.

Vanya was still uncertain but eventually, she caved in. “Thank you, Furlan.”

He was about to respond when a raspy voice from the back rattled the whole building.

“OY, YOU SHITTY BRAT!”

Everyone turned their heads to the fuming short ravenette standing at the kitchen because apparently, according to The Levi Vocabulary, the term “brat” could mean anyone, everyone, or no one.

“Which one?” Yan, one of the calmer members, raised an eyebrow.

Levi’s harsh eyes landed on the only girl in the room.“The worst among you all.”

“I’m quite flattered,” Vanya muttered upon realizing he was referring to her. With a groan, she stood up from the couch. “What did I do this time?”

“Get your ass over here and give this a good look, you witch.”

“Just because I make my medicine with a cauldron and make it seem like I’m brewing potions doesn’t mean I’m a witch, you grinch,” she quipped ever so snarky as she finally stood by the kitchen counter where Levi impatiently stood, scoffing at the signature nickname Vanya just branded him. “Now, what am I supposed to be looking at?”

The kitchen counter looked perfectly fine. Or at least in the lenses of Vanya’s standard of what “fine” was supposed to look like.

While the gang was away and preoccupied with raiding Reed, she made herself busy in the hideout by replenishing her stocks of mugwort root tonic which was a medicine that aids digestive conditions, and proves to be an excellent source of antioxidant. The whole process included grounding the mugwort into finer pieces and letting it infuse with boiling hot water over the fire for about 20 minutes.

It wasn’t a tedious process; all she had to do was prepare the herbs, infuse it, wait, place it in a secure container, and the last part, cleaning up afterwards. But the last part was always the most laborious as much as how ironically simple it sounded. Because when you happen to coexist with a prissy tiny man under the same roof, cleanliness was an arduous quest that entailed blood, sweat, and tears.

‘I said, take. a. good. look.” Levi hissed, enunciating every word like a dart hitting Vanya’s flesh one by one.

“I cleaned the pot like five times, if that’s what you're fussing about. Plus, I wiped the whole area clean.”

“And what do you call this then?”

He lifted the iron pot that was left to dry on the counter, finally revealing the source of his frustration.

“Oops.”

Vanya scratched her head timidly at the spot where the iron pot previously laid. The space was still smothered with flecks of the grounded mugwort leaves and roots, bits of what seemed to be squashed leftover vanilla beans for the tea, and bread crumbs for the bread pudding she made. To say that it was a mess would be an understatement. If it was an outsider who saw it, they would mistake the vanilla beans for rat turd. She must have missed the spot when she was cleaning due to the size of the pot covering it, and now she was facing the severe consequences in the form of a grouchy man whose face now taut with lividness.

“Don’t you “oops” me, you brat,” Levi sneered. “Even a witch would know how to clean their shit.”

Vanya groaned, “Okay, okay, I get it. I’m gonna clean this up. Jeez, what a grinch.”

“Tsk, we let you brew whatever leaves shit you want in the hideout only if you learn to fucking clean your shit. Three years in and you still can’t fucking do it.”

“You know, if I had a coin for every time you curse, I’d be the damn queen right now.”

“You can’t be the queen no matter how rich you are, you need to have the royal blood, idiot.”

“Whatever. A girl can always dream,” Vanya huffed as she began to wipe all the crumbs, and leftovers off the counter.

After what seemed like forever under the stringent monitoring of Levi who had made her repeat the torturous process six more times, the counter was now shining practically more than the twinkle of the stars.

“There, are you happy?” Vanya threw the washcloth harshly at Levi who caught it with ease.

“You only did the bare minimum.”

“Is there anything that will ever make you ha -- wait, is that blood on your shirt?!”

She gasped when saw a crimson red stain on the white sleeve of his shirt that shielded his left forearm. Vanya found it hard to believe that she had noticed it only now when they had been at the hideout for hours.

“It’s not mine,” Levi muttered nonchalantly.

“Wha -- let me see that.”

She swiftly grabbed his forearm and pulled up his white sleeve and instantly, a tremendous weight was lifted off her chest when she saw his pale skin empty of any scratch.

Levi didn’t complain at how frantic Vanya had pulled his arm, his stoic face remained intact as if he was already used to how the young girl would always swoop right in to check for any signs of wounds, just like what she would always do with every other member of the gang. It was already her trademark for always being worried yet protective over the group and he had come to learn that when Vanya Ronan, who had no sense of personal space, grabs you and inspects you for any signs of damage, you must never, ever, _ever_ , fight back.

Because Vanya Ronan was a sensitive woman; when you reject the care that she gives, she would take it delicately and personally to the very depths of her heart.

It was an observation Levi would eternally take note during that first time when Vanya saw a gash on Levi’s arm back when she was still new to the group. At that time, both of them were still strangers to each other. But the sight of his blood triggered something in her that her instincts made her reach for his arm and inspect it, whilst being aware that Levi was still someone she barely knew back then. And of course, Levi, who wasn’t very fond of physical contact most especially when it was from a stranger, had to retract his arm away and spill his temper on the poor girl. Regret immediately haunted him when he saw the way 18-year-old Vanya tried to blink away the hurt and shame in her eyes.

Ever since that day, Levi never rejected her aid ever again.

So fast forward to the present day, Levi only relaxed under her gentle grip as Vanya sighed in relief, knowing that the blood on his sleeve wasn’t his.

“So whose blood is it then?” she asked suspiciously. “I thought we’re all about more money, and less casualties now? Please don’t tell me you beat up another person again.”

“You don’t make the rules here,” Levi responded coldly, pulling his arm back.

“You’re really not going to tell me who’s the unlucky person you hurt this time?”

The man only gazed at her with his steel eyes, unresponsive -- a habit Vanya learned whenever Levi didn’t want to answer a particular question for reasons she will never know.

“Fine,” Vanya bitterly said, reaching for her bag by the cupboards and flinging it over her shoulder. She walked away from him and approached the group at the living room who were oblivious of their interaction at the kitchen.

“I’ll be on my way now, I’ll drop by maybe three days from now!” Vanya announced to them.

Jack pouted at the girl who was already making a beeline for the front door, “But it’s too early!”

“Mama’s waiting for me, you all know how she’s been lately...” The despair in her tone signified that her mother wasn’t getting any better and had only gotten even worse than before.

The mood that was once alive instantly plummeted into a pensive aura. Everyone knew what was the grave fate of a citizen of the Underground once they lost their ability to walk. Once you lose it, you’re now basically cursed to live the rest of your days in a countdown.

“Oh please, don’t give me those looks. It doesn’t suit you all,” Vanya tried to tease lightheartedly in a pitiful attempt to lift the mood. She then approached each member to give them an individual hug just like what she would always do whenever it was time for her to head home.

After a series of “goodbyes”, “see you soon”, “take care”, “make that pudding next time again”, a last-minute scolding for Luis about the harms of opium addiction, she went for the door only to be stopped once again by her grinch of a best friend.

“Oy.”

“What is it now, Levi? You also want a hug?” Vanya smirked.

She never hugged Levi. She would smack his head all she wanted and grab his limbs to keep him still whenever she would tend to his wounds but never show affection through touch because she still respected his instinctive avoidance from it.

Or maybe, Vanya was just too shy. But at that time, she didn’t know that yet.

“I’m walking you home.” Levi was already rushing out the front door, ignoring her protests.

 _Right, of course…_ Vanya would constantly forget how the grouchy man never had a single moment when he allowed Vanya to go home by herself whenever she’d visit the hideout. At first, she thought he was a natural gentleman who was kind and chivalrous like Cedric.

But Levi insisted on a different excuse when Vanya asked him the first time.

_“I’m damn sure you’re gonna go back knocking on our door and ask for our help to find the main street like a helpless idiot. And I don’t want to see your face for the second time this day so shut up, I’m going with you.”_

The second time.

_“You think I’m gonna let you wander off alone when someone might be tracking you down and eventually lead them to our hideout? Do you have any idea how that would be a huge pain in the ass once people find out where we live? I’m walking you home, brat.”_

The third time.

_“I’m heading to the market anyway. And by the way, you owe me a fucking fruit.”_

And the last time because honestly, his excuses were just getting more petty the more she asked.

_“Bored. I’m just bored.”_

Sure, Levi.

Sure.

And so, for three years, Vanya and Levi had unconsciously made it a routine to walk together to her house.

She sighed as she watched him waiting outside. Vanya was about to follow suit, not wanting to piss off the man even more when Furlan called out to her.

“Vanya, I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” Vanya’s face fell at the sight of Furlan’s somber eyes. “Is there something wrong?”

“I just think you should know,” he was grimacing as if he didn’t even want to tell her the ominous news.

“Okay...? What is it that I should know?”

The blonde man gulped, and a trickle of sweat appeared from his temples. “The man… the man who walked you out of Reed’s mansion this morning.”

“Finnick? What about him?” The moment Vanya mentioned the name of the man, Furlan instantly stiffened as if he wanted the man he was referring to remain unnamed.

“Levi… he…“

“Levi what? He did what, Furlan? Tell me -- ”

“Oy, hurry up, witch. I don’t have all day!” Levi’s voice rang from outside, interrupting the two.

Vanya rolled her eyes, opened the door ever so slightly to peek her head out to the man who was tapping his foot impatiently at the bottom of the stairs. “Just give us a moment!”

Levi puffed, nudging his chin abruptly to the side which only meant “then, hurry the fuck up”.

“Okay, Furlan. What were you -- “

“He killed him.”

“What?”

Vanya warily watched the way Furlan took a deep breath like the eerie sound of the wind rustling through the gloominess of the city as the grim reaper hounded for its next potential victim.

“Finnick, the man who was with you… Levi killed him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUNNNNN
> 
> So we're now at year 844 which was the year of the No Regrets OVA. And y'all know how that's going to come down :(( But I'm really excited for Year 844 because that's when you'll finally see how Levi and Vanya's relationship will blossom, how they started as strangers, to best friends, and then eventually BAM THEY LIKE EACH OTHER. The reason I wanted to stretch the Underground arc was so that I could give you a foundation or context as to why they behave that way as a married couple: always bickering, teasing each other, and whatnot and I want it all to root from their reckless times in the Underground. As a couple, they don't act all romantic and cheesy and I want to show the reason why is that so, and that is through their friendship back in the Underground. Oof, I hope I make sense?? 
> 
> So I'm so sorry if you're already dying to go back to the present timeline with Eren and the gang PLEASE BE PATIENT HUUU :(( Because I'm telling you, a lot, and i mean, ALOT will happen in 844. Plus, Isabel and Erwin have yet to make an appearance omg. So yes, get ready for LOADS OF FLUFF AND ANGST HEHEHE
> 
> frankie xo
> 
> and also shoutout to @vdkgloss for being my first commenter, you are such a sweetheart AND YES SOPE BABIES I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING MY WORK YOU MADE MY MORNING <333


	13. Life in the Underground, Part 6: Strolls With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly this chapter will be very chill since it's just loads of conversations and exchange of ideas and bickers between our favorite couple lmao. in case you haven't noticed, i really love writing dialogues literally i could reach up to 8k words just from writing a 10 minute interaction oof so yes, expect a lot of vanya babbling and levi who's sometimes listening to his future wife or disagreeing with everything she says cus oh god they're such an annoying couple like when do they ever not fight HAHAHA idk there's something about writing long conversations that make their dynamic natural or maybe it's just me. would love to know what you guys think!! do you think i shouldn't prolong some convos? do you guys like it when there's more "action" or narration? 
> 
> also ATTACK ON TITAN S4 OUT ON NETFLIX ON DEC 11 WHAT THE FUCCCKKKK I CANNOT WAIT FJAKSBSLFFALA

**_Year 844_ **

_“Finnick, the man who was with you… Levi killed him.”_

Vanya was certain she already was scorching a hole right through Levi’s scalp as she intensely stared the back of his head. They were walking together to her house, as they usually did under the dim illumination of the lamp posts and down the chilly grimy streets of the city. In all honesty, it was more of Levi leading her as if he knew the way to her house better than the owner herself. It was always the same set-up: Levi walking ahead whilst Vanya meekly following his footsteps.

Her head was pounding from that one mere question ringing in her head like a siren’s cry. The more steps she took, the question seemed to bubble even bigger in her consciousness that Vanya was sure she could get a headache.

_Why did Levi kill Finnick?_

Vanya always knew what she had gotten herself into the moment she joined the gang; she’d be a fool if she didn’t. If she was going to join a group that dedicates their waking moments committing crime, the thought of her best friend killing someone with his bare hands shouldn’t even surprise her anymore. Yet, she couldn’t help but feel a string of nerve-wrecking chills coursing through her. Though Vanya didn’t like Finnick at all even one bit even if he had only barely touched her in the most inappropriate way, she thought the man who was most likely the same age as her didn’t deserve a gruesome death. What if Finnick had a mother waiting for him at home? What if he didn’t choose to be Reed’s right hand? What if he was just like Cedric who didn’t want to live the criminal life but had to because he had no choice?

But Vanya was smart enough to know that Levi doesn’t just take someone’s life without a reason. She was pretty damn sure her best friend wasn’t a psychopath -- or maybe he was.

“Oy, shut up.”

The redhead who was too busy in the depths of her contemplation snapped her head up. Levi was still looking forward as they walked down the streets at a slow pace.

“Huh? I didn’t say anything.” Vanya said confusingly .

“I can hear you thinking, it’s annoying.”

“Oh,” Vanya uttered in a small timid voice. “Sorry…”

The silence accompanied the two young people like a comforting entity filling the void. The sound of their feet scraping the pavement and the whispers of the breeze drowned out all the rampant thoughts in Vanya’s head as she succumbed into the solace of their stroll. She couldn’t deny it -- no matter how good or bad her days would go, ending the day walking with Levi was one of those little things that brought tiny pleasures to her heart, along with sipping teas in quiet afternoons, and goodnight kisses from her mother when she was younger.

“Is there something that happened in the heist that I should know of?”

Vanya’s question lingered for a moment like a leaf flowing through the air.

Levi didn’t even bother to look at her, and opted to remain his gaze forward. “Furlan told you,” he said, bland and unfazed.

“That, he did,” she replied as she started quickening her pace so that she was finally walking beside him. “Why did you do it?”

There it was again: Levi’s silence as his impractical way of avoiding questions he didn’t want to answer.

“That man had a name, you know,” Vanya mumbled airily, already expecting his habitual lack of response. “It was Finnick.”

Their footsteps only amplified even further at his silent reply.

“Levi --”

“Why do you care?” He cut her off with a harsh tone. When Levi looked at her, she could see his eyes flaring. “Was he your boyfriend or something?”

“No!” Vanya choked out her words. “I barely even knew the man.”

“Then why are you suddenly so concerned? You make him sound like some sort of a fucking martyr.”

“Do you have any idea how petty you’re sounding right now?”

“Do you have any fucking idea about the filthy things I heard him say about you right before we were about to ambush them?”

His outburst instantly shut Vanya up.

“What?”

She watched Levi’s face contort in irritation, as if he wanted to say something more but he held himself back.

“Tsk, of course you don’t.” He sighed, raking his hair in frustration. “That shithead was talking about you to his gang like you were… some sort of fucking trophy or object. I heard all of it, it was disgusting.”

As he spat those words like venom in his mouth, he was gritting his teeth like a ferocious animal ready to attack.

Vanya pressed her lips, not exactly knowing what to say nor feel. She felt the shame sinking in her for calling Levi “petty”, followed by the fear and the sick feeling in her stomach at the thought of her being the central topic in a lewd discussion among a notorious gang.

“I still don’t see why it was enough reason for you to take his life,” she muttered while kicking a pebble off her path.

“He was going to hurt you anytime soon.” Levi mirrored her as he too lazily kicked off a small rock with his hands in his pockets. “God knows what he would do to you.”

The image of countless women being sold to the mafias for their own sexual pleasure flashed in her head and instantly, she shook her head vigorously in hopes of banishing the image.

“I can protect myself, Levi.”

“As if,” he scoffed. “You don’t even want to learn how to wield a goddamn knife.”

“I told you, I’d rather heal wounds than inflict them.”

“Then you might as well be dead as a scum,” Levi scowled. “Maybe if you don’t smell like your stupid flowers, you wouldn’t be talked about in a filthy way.”

If there’s one thing to note about Vanya Ronan, it’s that everyday, she always sported a different fragrance depending on what herbs she was tinkering with that day. It would always be the first thing Levi noticed the moment the girl walked into the hideout every single time. Some days, she’d have a spicy scent from the cinnamon, fresh and citrusy from lemongrass, floral and comforting from jasmines, and sometimes, she’d have a pungent odor from whatever antiseptic solution she used (in which Levi would kick her out of the hideout, until she gets rid of her smell).

But unconsciously, Levi had a favorite scent on her: lavender.

And whenever she smelled like lavenders, he found himself acting less grumpy and provocative around her. The smell was like a spell hypnotizing him to behave in front of her; it was ridiculous. And admitting that would be the last thing Levi wanted to do, that he’d rather die in denial than say it out loud that he liked it when Vanya smelled like the violet flowers.

But right now, Vanya reeked of the sweet strong smell of vanilla from the vanilla-infused black tea she had made a while ago. And he was not having it -- the vanilla scent had earned its place at the bottom of his “A Comprehensive Ranking of the Brat’s Stupid Smells” (an unconscious curation he had done in his head) due to how annoyingly strong the vanilla fragrance was. Not to mention, distracting… distracting in an indecent type of way.

Because unbeknownst to them, vanilla was actually a well-known aphrodisiac.

“So, let me get this straight,” Vanya reasoned out scornfully as they rounded a corner a few blocks away from her street. “You think that when I get disrespected, violated, or whatsoever, it’s my fault just because I was wearing whatever fragrance I want?

“I said, maybe.”

“So when a poor girl or even a boy gets sexually assaulted, it’s always going to be their fault because hey, they just had to wear something so “distracting” at such a convenient moment even if it wasn’t intentional?”

Levi stopped walking as he pursed his lips, not knowing what to say.

He then sighed, “Okay, brat, just tell me what you’re on about so that I can understand.”

Vanya, too, stopped walking, and at that moment, they were standing below a lit lamppost in the middle of a dark empty street filled with ruined and decaying houses. She could hear the crickets sounding about and she could guess that it was probably already late at night, maybe 10pm. It felt like she was in one of those grim and horror tales Cedric used to read to her at night just to teasingly scare her, leaving her too afraid to close her eyes in fear of monsters or Titans appearing in her dreams. The street was eerie and the faint glow from the lamppost didn’t do much to uplift the gloomy aura of the space.

But when she saw Levi leaning against the pole with his arms and legs crossed, looking all so casual, laidback, and ready to listen carefully and sincerely to whatever she was about to say, Vanya pushed all those childish fears aside, knowing she was safe and sound in his presence.

“Well,” she nervously started as she began to pace back and forth in front of him, unsure how she was going to formulate her speech. “I’m just... sick of people always pointing fingers at the weak, sick of how people are forced to act a certain way just so they won’t be judged or get hurt. I mean, think about it, Levi, why don’t they think of blaming the ones who take advantage of the weak instead? Why do they always have to justify the actions of those who prey? That’s just… so messed up. So damn messed up. It’s just... What's the right word for this? Twisted? Horrible? Abominable? Yes, abominable! The way this world works is just so abominable, cruel, and ughhh! Come on, think about it: there won’t be any girls or boys being talked about in a filthy way if there aren’t any filthy men to do that, right? Gosh am I still making sense?”

Vanya didn’t realize how she was already blabbering until she stopped talking to catch her breath. Her eyes were flaring passionately and she suddenly felt a slight dizziness due to how fast she was pacing back and forth all while she was flailing random and big gestures with her hands like a mad woman. When Vanya glanced at her best friend, she was bewildered at the smirk plastered on his pale face.

Levi looked amused and entertained the whole time she was dedicatedly channeling her emotions in the way she ranted her sentiments. The way she swung her arms recklessly to intensify her point, or how she nearly tripped on a rock while she was pacing but was too busy ranting to even care, or how her little button nose scrunched up in annoyance as she snidely prattled about how men pretty much just suck, the raven-haired man couldn’t help but feel… entranced.

“I see,” he finally spoke in his usual bored manner. “I hear you.”

“R-really?”

“I get what you’re trying to say,” Levi shrugged coolly but deep down, he was masking his guilt. “I guess I’m no different than those filthy men, huh? I’m... part of the problem.”

Vanya opened her mouth but quickly closed it.

“Yeah… I suppose you are,” she murmured as she glared at the ground. She couldn’t bring herself to deny.

She was slightly disappointed at the fact that even Levi, one of her trustworthy best friends, was one of those people who perpetuated that cycle of blaming the wrong people no matter how good his intention was. Even if it means scolding her for what scent she was wearing just to protect her from harm. It was frustrating how humanity has a long way to go in understanding that if they want to stop violence, the ones who should be held accountable are the violators, not the violated.

“Oy.”

Suddenly, Vanya felt Levi’s shoulder nudging hers, making her look up from her intense staring competition with the pavement.

Then, he gently laid a hand on the crown of her head as his fingers subtly brushed the soft strands of her red hair. It felt new to her with the way his touch seemed feather-like, the way a person would caress the furry coat of a fragile and fuzzy animal in endearment. But at the same time, it felt familiar even if she was rather more used to his touches that were only intended to push and nag her around.

Slowly, Levi’s hand slid down her hair until it stopped right on her left shoulder. From there, his thumb lightly stroked her sleeve -- too lightly as if Levi was afraid that if he could just press his fingers further into the cotton material, Vanya would disappear into molecules.

Vanya thought her heart would beat in an unchaseable speed but to her surprise, her heart seemed to steady its pace at his feathery touch. Like her body was gladly welcoming it albeit it was the first time he had ever touched her in a manner so delicate and surreal.

It felt right.

“I’m sorry.”

The words were chaste and fine when it escaped from his lips.

The girl stood still, not saying anything which prodded Levi to continue, “Okay, listen… I don’t really know shit about this stuff but… errr... I can learn, I’ll try. I mean, you know how I can be an asshole sometimes -- “

“Most of the time,” Vanya “coughed”.

“ _But_ ,” Levi narrowed his eyes at her but nonetheless carried on, “Just… I don’t know… maybe tell me when I can be too much -- actually no. Just tell me when I act like an asshole even just a little. Like you said, the world’s too fucked up right now and I don’t know how to see it anymore. But maybe… just maybe you can help me. Make me see things that way you see it because you seem to know a whole lot of shit about that and well… you know your shit.”

The redhead only raised an eyebrow at the number of times he cussed all while speaking in a sincere tone. It amazed her how still managed to use “shit” in a serious speech that she found it all too hilarious as she watched him fumbling timidly over words and avoiding her eyes. And yet, his hand on her shoulder remained still.

“The point is,” Levi took a deep and shaky breath before continuing. “I don’t want to end up a man you’d hate the same way you hate how this abominable world works.”

The breeze began to pick up, brushing his bangs to reveal his grey blue eyes glinting earnestly yet at the same time, bashfully. Vanya was too astonished as she witnessed Levi’s vulnerability gradually unfolding itself before her.

“Why?” was the only thing she could think of to say.

“Because…” He pondered over what he was going to say carefully. “When you made that face a while ago like I fucked up big time or that you hate me now… I didn’t like looking at it -- I don’t think I’d ever want to see that face again.”

Vanya grimaced as she watched Levi shying his head to the side. His cheeks hallowed from how he bit the inside of his cheeks and his eyes grazed the floor, feeling infuriated at himself.

“You mean, you care about what I think of you?” she asked consciously, even if the answer was already obvious. But there was a yearning inside of her that wanted to hear the answer from Levi himself.

However Vanya was only met by his silence. For a moment, she thought that Levi was going to do his usual habit again of evading a question by not answering at all and thereby, never knowing the answer to her question for the rest of her life.

But to her shock, Levi answered as if it was the most obvious answer that even a dumb person would know.

“Tsk, then what’s the point of being best friends then?”

Levi’s hand left her shoulder to sharply flick Vanya’s forehead, making the girl yelp out in surprise more than in pain.

“Yeah, what even is the point when you hurt your best friend like that...” the redhead sourly grumbled whilst rubbing the spot where Levi had flicked her.

Levi was already walking away from her and towards the direction of her house.

“Let’s just get you home, brat.”

It was a good thing Levi was already facing the opposite direction because that would mean that he couldn’t see the blush on Vanya’s face and the sheepish smile she had been trying to suppress the whole time.

_Best friends…_

It hit differently hearing from him.

“Hey, wait for me!”

Together, side by side, they continued their quiet stroll but this time, the air that lingered between the two was even more comforting and tranquil than before. Perhaps their conversation just made the space between them much more safe, knowing that Levi had shown a rare side of him to Vanya.

Occasionally, she would steal glances at Levi but then would quickly turn away with reddened cheeks once she saw him sensing her gaze and looking at her.

Finally, they stopped right in front of her house. Vanya walked up to her front door but then noticed Levi still following her.

“Well… errr…”

“I’m coming in with you.”

“What? And reorganize everything in my house again the way you want it? Not a chance,” she shot him a stern look. “Do you have any idea how it took me a whole day to find my stocks of vodka only to find out that you hid them in the goddamn basement?”

“You never know when you’re gonna drink it all for yourself.”

“Those are for my tinctures, idiot. Not for my own consumption,” she crossed her arms before she added, “And the last time I allowed you to ‘clean up’, I found my smudge sticks in the trash. Care to explain that?”

“I hate it when you burn those bundles at the hideout, it smells like a shitshow.”

“It’s to ward off your bad and grinchy energy, you’ve got a whole lot of it and it isn’t helping anyone at all. God, you’re so difficult.”

Vanya opened the front door and was about to go in when Levi drew closer behind her until she felt her back just a few centimeters away from his chest.

“H-hey! I told you, I’m not letting you in this time and mess up my place again, just go home!” she squeaked at their close proximity.

“You call sweeping the shit out of your dirty house “messing up”? Tsk, be glad I’m cleaning it for you, you ungrateful lazy brat… psssh, can’t even hold a broom properly.” he stepped even closer, sandwiching Vanya between him and the door as he forced her to let him in.

“You’re trespassing -- !”

“Sweetheart, are you home? Is that Levi with you?”

The two froze at the sound of Lily’s gentle voice calling out from the inside of the house. Levi and Vanya both turned to each other, wide-eyed, as they started communicating nonverbally with their eyeballs as if three years of friendship granted them the ability to telepathically talk to each other..

Vanya’s eyes viciously shot to the side as if to say, “ _You get the hell out of here and go home_.”

In return, Levi rolled his eyes and soundlessly groaned which probably only meant, “ _It’s too late, your mother already knows, brat._ ”

The girl feistily bulged her eyes at him and finally sighed in defeat, knowing that the only way to get out of this situation was to admit that her annoying best friend was with her even if it meant Lily nagging Levi like he was her own son because God knows how much her mother adored the man.

“Uhmm.. Yes, mama! Levi’s here!” Vanya called back from outside.

“Well then, be a dear and bring him in! Perhaps he’d like some tea?”

Vanya’s eyes dilated in panic but Levi only smirked cockily..

“But mama, it’s getting late! He needs to go back home!”

“Oh please, it’s just for a little while. It’s been long since I saw that man, now bring him in right this instant!”

The guttural groan in Vanya’s throat was unmissable as she turned to her raven-haired companion and shot daggers at him.

“You heard her,” Levi said smugly before walking past her and entered the house like it was his own home as well.

Vanya bitterly followed behind and immediately saw that the first thing Levi did upon entering the abode was to freeze and cringe at the sight before them.

Because what splayed out before them was the messy interior of the house with Vanya’s equipment all over the kitchen and dining area ranging from beakers, vials, crucibles, undistinguishable grounded herbs meshed together, and numerous scrolls of manuals spread across every surface, leaving no vacant spot behind. Dusts shrouded every corner, and there were even traces of spider webs by the cupboards.

It was utterly chaotic, and that was an understatement for Levi, who was already pulling up his sleeves and ready to grab the broom like he was about to head on into a bloody battle.

“No, nuh-uh, nope, you are not going to mess up my working area _again_ ,” Vanya fiercely said as she stomped in front of Levi with arms spread out to block him from the mess.

“You call this shithole a working area? Who in their right minds would have the guts to live here?”

“Seeing my things all displayed in front of me keeps me productive, okay?”

“Displayed or trashed?”

“Oh, just shut your damn fussy mouth and --”

“Vanya, sweetheart, is that how we treat our guests?”

The two whipped their heads to the source of the weak but tender voice. Lily, who was now situated on the wheelchair, wheeled herself out of her bedroom and towards the bickering young adults.

Levi was speechless the moment he saw the condition of Vanya’s mother. Lily’s face had grown even more gaunt and paler while her cheeks were now more hollow, making her cheekbones sharply chiseled. Her brown eyes that were once filled with the merriment and unspoken joys in her life were now sullen and dead like a small flame on a candle that was about to shrivel away. Her long auburn hair no longer matched Vanya’s fiery ones due to the slips of white brittle strands framing her sallow face.

Even if Lily had layers of thick clothing, Levi could still see how her jumper barely hugged her frail and sickly thin body. He had even witnessed her hands trembling when she was wheeling her weight forward.

A sick feeling churned in Levi’s stomach, completely aware of the situation: There wasn’t much more time anymore.

He subtly glanced at Vanya to gauge her reaction but to his surprise, her face remained neutral as if she was already used to the decrepit state of her mother. Yet her green eyes were trying its best to repress all the hopelessness.

“He was nagging again about my space,” Vanya immaturely huffed with a pout. “Mama, isn’t your philosophy in life _creative minds are rarely tidy_?”

“Well,” Lily softly gazed at the young man who was scowling at the younger redhead. Lily looked at him like he was her dear and fragile son. “It’s nice to see how thoughtful Levi is to help you with your mess once in a while.”

Truthfully, Lily had meant the word “mess” as something much more beyond Vanya’s laziness to clean and Levi doing it for her.

But Vanya didn’t seem to register the depth and meaning of what her mother had actually meant and thought of “mess” as her untidy habits. “Oh, so you’re siding with him now? Wow, Mama. Just… wow.”

But Levi was perceptive enough to read between the lines.

Because Vanya’s life was indeed not just a mess but an utter wreck. Not just in terms of cleanliness but the way her life had gravely panned out into twists of unfortunate events and mishaps.

Mess is when Vanya had to beg for scraps food when she didn’t have any patients for months. Mess is when she had sobbed one time when someone stole her crate of newly delivered supplies. And mess is when that one life-changing moment when Levi had messily ran into her for the first time as they fell on the stall of apricots and ventured into an escape from men who were chasing after them.

But Levi was always there to help with Vanya’s mess.

Because during those times when Vanya starved, he’d tirelessly steal whatever food he could find. During that time when someone took the crate from her doorstep, he went on a relentless search for the thief and when he had found the culprit, Levi took the crate but didn’t leave without literally slicing a few fingers off from the thief’s hand.

“And shouldn’t you be resting? It’s late,” Vanya sighed.

“I want to take a good look at him first,” Lily warmly smiled at Levi. “You should be thanking this fine young man for always keeping you safe.”

“I don’t need a man to keep me safe,” the young girl muttered under her breath.

Lily breathily chuckled before holding out her weak trembling hands. “Come, my boy. Let me see your face closely.”

Levi hesitantly stepped forward, suspiciously stared at Lily’s stretched out hands like it was an alien, before finally giving in and grabbing her hands.

“Come closer, dear.”

He obeyed as he leaned downwards to match her eye level. He was suddenly hyper-aware of the close proximity that he had to look at the side to avoid her resolute gaze. But Lily gently laid her palm on his cheek and turned it to her so that they were meeting each other’s eyes. Levi was taken aback by how the woman just suddenly touched his face, and he hated it when people randomly did that. But for some reason, her gentle hand was nothing compared to the other people who dared lay a finger on him.

Levi only realized at that moment how much he missed feeling a motherly touch.

“My, your eyes…” Lily lightly said like a comforting tune.

“What about it?” Vanya, who was curiously witnessing the interaction, tilted her head in confusion.

The mother’s lips pressed into a tight smile that was genuine enough to reminisce bittersweet memories but broken enough to realize how dead those memories were.

“It’s just like Kuchel’s.”

Time came into a halt in Levi’s wide and stunned eyes as his entire body tensed and his hold on Lily’s hands started twitching. He gulped like he was swallowing and repressing all the aching memories of his past back into his subconscious where he wanted it concealed for as long as he was alive.

Lily’s eyes softened as she channelled an unspoken message of _“I know… I feel it too, you’re not alone.”_

And Levi must have gotten the message from the way he slowly pulled his hand away and left it hanging limply at his sides.

“Levi? Are you okay?” Vanya inched closer upon seeing the sudden change of his behavior.

 _Who’s Kuchel?_ The girl pondered in her mind.

Just as she was about to lay her hand on his shoulder, Levi was already recoiling away from them like their touch could burn his skin.

“I have to go.”

Before Vanya could even process what was happening, Levi was already out of the door.

“Hey, wait!”

Vanya briefly glanced at her mother who was merely staring blankly at the door before she followed his best friend outside.

Levi was about to disappear into the shadows of the street when Vanya reached him but only barely.

“Levi!”

She quickly reached out and grabbed his forearm like it was her lifeline. Surprisingly, the man didn’t resist as he turned to her right away the moment he felt her protective grip.

Vanya was panting from running after him, who sure knew how to walk briskly. When they met each other’s gaze, she was taken aback at how fragile and vulnerable he looked from the way his eyes were so distant and brimming with numbness.

“Hey…” Vanya could only say, mellow and gracious.

And then, she suddenly felt her mind go static. She didn’t know what to say and asking him if he was okay would be completely stupid because clearly, he wasn’t.

Vanya felt like she was a horrible best friend.

“I…” she stammered but lost her trail of logic. “Levi, I -- “

“It’s fine.”

Levi stared at her hand on his arm and Vanya had never felt so frustrated in wanting to know what he was thinking. Because the truth was, she was scared that he was going to pull away the same way he had done with her mother moments ago. She didn’t want Levi to slip from her and run off because she wanted to reassure him that she would never say anything to hurt him or scare him off. Vanya would hate herself if that happened.

But Levi pulled away.

“I’ll see you soon.”

But before he turned around to walk away, he brought his index finger up and pressed it on her forehead. Then, he forced the muscle on his face to form a smile so forlorn but so real.

“Happy 21st birthday, brat.”

Before Vanya even knew it, Levi was already walking away from her, leaving her standing under the gloomy shade of the lamp post, not entirely sure if she deserved a happy day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes it was vanya's birthday on the day of the heist, i was dropping several hints at it in the previous chapter ;)


	14. Life in the Underground, Part 7: Welcome To The Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so another character will finally make its entrance ;)

**_Year 844_ **

"Angle one... two... three, oy extend your arm! Four... five -- your grip is getting shittier.... Six... seven... eig -- Huh? What the fuck is that supposed to be?"

Levi clicked his tongue in irritation before demonstrating what the 8th basic knife strike was supposed to look like with his own knife. He drew back his left elbow before slowly pushing his knife forward, bringing it diagonally down to his right side before swinging the knife right back up again.

Like a swordsman dancing with lithe and agility in contrast to her sloppy arms that aimlessly swung around her that Levi had to cringe every second at how big the chances of her accidentally cutting herself from how lousy she moved.

There's no hiding the fact that Vanya Ronan was, for lack of a better term, an amateur at knife fighting.

That's why she was instantly floored by how graceful Levi moved and how the way he held his knife like it was a harmless accessory that adorned his performance. His eyes grazed at the imaginary opponent in front of him as he continued to fluidly move and slash through the air until the 10th strike. He ended with a stance where his dominant left hand was held out to point the tip of his shining knife right in front of Vanya's face, just a few centimeters from her nose. Any closer then he would have ended up leaving a gash on her face.

Her breathing hitched as she stared at the sharp tip in front of her face while Levi only stared at her with a steely and unflinching gaze.

"And that's how you end up dead," Levi spat harshly before bringing his knife down.

Vanya breathed in relief and released all the tension she held in her stunned body. "Ten strikes are just too many to perfect in just one session."

"There's no such thing as 'too many' when it involves survival, brat."

"Well, sorry, not everyone is a born prodigy like you, jeez," she rolled her eyes before dropping herself down to sit on a crate nearby. "Okay, that's it. We're officially done for today, I'm beat."

"Oy, you don't get to decide when we're done so get your ass up and finish the ten strikes."

"No," Vanya crossed her arms and raised her nose immaturely to the side. "I don't see why you just had to randomly drag me into training on a fine day."

She lied -- It wasn't a fine day at all.

A week later after Levi had walked out on her on the day of her 21st birthday, Vanya felt the queasiness building up inside her when she knew she had to face him if she was going to visit the hideout. Unfortunately, Furlan had persistently insisted that she drop by because apparently, a gang member just so happened to have pissed off another gang in the neighborhood. Vanya didn't know why or how but all they knew was that it horribly resulted in a chaotic fistfight, leaving a few of their members beaten up into a pulp.

She didn't have a choice but to give in to Furlan's request of treating their companions. After all, it was her job to patch up the aftermaths of the mess.

And so that morning, right when Vanya arrived at the doorstep of the hideout with a medical bag in her hand, Levi was already opening the door at her face, grabbed her arm and dragged her away from the entrance with only the words, _"Just shut up for the day because it's about time you learn how to hold a knife._ "

She couldn't bring herself to protest because she felt like she owed him something right after that time he had walked out on her.

And so, this brought them to their current circumstance: a staring showdown between Vanya and Levi with the former sitting on the crate, exhausted from the day's training session while the latter could only glare as he gripped the knife at his side.

"You've been in the gang for three years and yet, you don't even know how to fight," Levi narrowed his eyes at her.

"You really have got to stop reminding me that," the girl retorted back. "And besides, I don't need to learn that. Look at me, I'm still alive."

"Not for long. For all we know, Reed will strike back any moment and it's you who's at the top of his list for snitching on him."

"I highly doubt that," Vanya grumbled. "What's up with you today? Why are you so worked up about me learning how to fight? Furlan was already cool with me just being a medic in the gang." 

Indeed, there was something about Levi today that made him look agitated. His eyes failed to hide how he seemed so distracted and evasive that he tried to feign his composure by keeping Vanya preoccupied with knife training.

"The fuck are you talking about? I'm always like this."

His tone sounded too defensive. Perhaps he was still upset about what her mother had told him the last time he had walked her home, she surmised.

"Levi..."

"Hm?"

"Who's Kuchel?"

And there was that look on his face again. The same stunned look he gave when Lily mentioned that particular name. But this time, Levi was quick to revert to his stoic face.

"No one."

"Really? Seemed like the opposite to me."

"Oy, are you trying to stall me from training you? Just forget about that name, okay? It's none of your business," he snapped a bit too sharply, which made the redhead slightly jump on her seat.

Vanya bit her lip in shame while dropping her head. She didn't mean to test his temper, she felt awful for prying into a somewhat sensitive topic for him. Yet at the same time, she couldn't shake off the curious feeling mixed with disappointment. They were best friends, they pretty much knew each other's secrets even before they could even tell it (That's how bad they were at lying to each other's face.). But the more Vanya thought about their friendship, the more she realized how less she knew about Levi's past.

Not because he didn't keep it as a secret, she just simply never inquired.

Now that she thought about it, she never asked him what happened to him growing up simply because there wasn't any occasion during their time together that triggered her curiosity to question his past. They were either bickering or plotting their next heist, nothing that made her bring up the topic of their past. Heck, even Levi barely knew the gist between Vanya and her father because he, too, doesn't ask. Or the fact that Vanya's last name, Ronan, was her mother's last name and that for some reason, she and Cedric didn't adapt their father's last name which was Claire. And at the same time, Vanya didn't even have a single clue was Levi's last name was. 

In short, they barely knew anything about each other's past; that's just how their dynamic worked and no one complained until this very moment.

"Knife or gear?"

She snapped her head up, halting her thoughts. "What?"

"I said, knife or gear?" Levi asked again. "You have to learn something today, brat. It's either memorizing the basic strikes or you learn how to use the 3D gear."

"Neither," Vanya deadpanned. "I don't like dealing with weapons and hell, no way am I going to wear those gears. That stuff looks pretty uncomfortable."

"For fuck's sake, Vanya," he harshly hissed while raking his hand onto his raven hair. "Just... stop being stubborn for once and listen to me, okay? It's getting even more messed up out there, people are getting more dangerous, more new gangs, killings, deaths, you name it and I've seen it. Do you even know how many people are after us lately? We've pissed off a lot of 'em big time during the past years. I'm pretty fucking sure my head and Furlan's are up for fucking bounty already. And we can't always be there to protect you. And yes, I know you don't need protection, I know you're strong and you've got guts. You can speak up for yourself and I'd be an idiot to underestimate that. But let's face it, once you've got a knife on your throat, morale can't save you anymore. You'd be on your own, defenseless. If you don't want to be harmed, you've got to learn how to inflict harm. To hell with moral compasses, no one gives a shit about that anymore if they want to survive. That's just how this stupid world works. You understand me?"

It was the first time Levi had voiced that amount of words with utter ferocity in front of Vanya, rendering the girl speechless and wide-eyed. The worry, anger, frustration, and desperation meshed into his tone, and matched his eyes that looked so anxious and caught into this internal struggle of repressing himself from admitting out loud how badly he had wanted to protect her.

And Vanya felt the ideal reality she had dreamt of shattering. Because what Levi said was the truth. No matter how much she'd strive to be good in this dark world, it was no use. Good people will always be the first ones to die.

"I understand," she mumbled, ashamed.

"As you should. Now, knife or gear?"

The redhead stared at him for a brief moment, discerning before she released a heavy sigh in defeat.

"Whatever, I've already tried the knife. Might as well just try the gear too, I guess."

"Good, because whatever choice you pick, I'll still train you with the gears either way."

"Then what was the point of asking me?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I just don't get why there's a lot of straps and belts just to use that thing," Vanya groaned amidst the tangled mess she had gotten herself into as she tried to figure out how to wear the harness of the 3D gear. "Heck, I'm pretty sure those soldiers have to take at least 20 minutes just to wear this and by then, Titans have already eaten them."

"Oy, stop joking around," Levi rolled his eyes before snatching the straps from her hand and helped her untangle it. "Arms up," he commanded and the girl had no choice but to obey.

Vanya raised her hands to the side as she allowed the man to attach the series of straps on her torso. Levi mechanically worked his hands in fastening every buckle on her chest, tightening it just right for her comfort that Vanya was surprised how he didn't need to ask her if the tightness was enough -- like he already knew her preferences. His eyes were focused and the way his hands moved with a level of efficiency and care signified the fact that he was probably used to attaching the ODM gear harness on others.

Suddenly, it dawned on her how dangerously close they were to each other. With Levi working on the harness on her torso, this barely gave them space between each other. She suddenly felt conscious of breathing, in fear that Levi would guess what she had for lunch. Vanya was expecting the heat of embarrassment rising onto her face but surprisingly, nothing came.

As he continuously wrapped the belts around her, she felt how _normal_ this interaction was. Despite the fact that she could feel his breathing on her neck, or how the possibility of their noses touching was high, it didn't really fluster her. Vanya used to think when she was young that if a man would be this physically close to her, she'd blush at even the barest form of intimacy.

But with Levi, it was nothing like that. Instead, all she felt was familiarity and comfort. As if he had been fastening harnesses on her for a long time even if this was the first time he had done it. When Vanya inspected his face, he, too, seemed unbothered by their proximity. Like attaching straps on a woman's torso with barely any room between them was just an everyday thing to him.

Or maybe it was the fact that their friendship was so strong that they have gotten used to each other already to the point that one of them wouldn't mind if the other violates their personal space.

"Bring out one leg," Levi said, kneeling down in front of her on one knee to proceed to attach the leg straps on her.

Normally, Vanya would protest and give him the "I don't need you to do everything for me" speech. But for some reason, something in her told her that maybe this time she could trust him to do things for her. To trust him to take care of her.

Because when Vanya looked down to see Levi kneeling on one knee in front of her as he looked up at her with a casual and patient look, she couldn't bring herself to say no to an act of kindness from a man who usually appeared so cold and rude to everyone else.

And so, she stepped out one leg, allowing him to start working the straps around her leg. She mentally patted herself on the head for deciding to wear trousers for the day. Had she worn her usual skirts then that would have definitely put them in an awkward situation.

"I wonder how long it takes for Cedric to put these on," Vanya thought out loud.

Levi, without looking up, responded dismissively, "That is, if he had actually made it into the military."

 _Or if he's still alive._ Vanya thought but instantly ignored it.

"Didn't he use the gears when he was still part of the gang?"

"He was shitty at it. That brat had no sense of balance and coordination. So no, he doesn't use the gears. It'd be a miracle if he actually made it through the training corps."

"Hmm..." Vanya hummed in reply. "I've never seen him in action. I wonder how he looks when he fights."

"Shit at gears but the brat can really fight with a gun and knife," Levi said as he finished fastening the buckles around her thigh. "Such a shame he had to leave us, though. Only Cedric knew the complete way around the city, every background of every target and which battles worth fighting for. Turns out, his brain isn't completely useless after all. Other leg."

Vanya obeyed as she brought her newly-strapped leg back and stepped the opposite leg forward to him.

Levi began working on the straps on her other leg as he continued. "I wouldn't be surprised if you, too, will be shit at gears."

"I wouldn't be, too," she shrugged, not taking any offense at what he had just said. "The only reason why I'm doing this is for you to finally shut up."

"Tsk," Levi only said, no longer added anything more to that.

After a couple of minutes of him buckling the harness on Vanya's leg while they both basked in the comfortable silence in the air, he finally stood up on his feet, stepped back and assessed the work he had done with her equipment.

"Ooooh!" Vanya snickered, impressed by how her best friend had neatly fastened the straps and secured the metal apparatus around her waist. "This actually feels lighter than it looks, wow."

"Once you're actually suspended in midair with that, I doubt you'd still be giggling like a fool," Levi grouched before kicking a crate that was no more than two feet high in front of her. "Now, step on this."

Vanya warily inspected the wooden crate before asking, "For what?"

"To see if you've got shit balance like Cedric, now step on it."

She pouted before bringing a foot up on the crate and lifted herself up onto it until she was finally standing on it and completely towering over her short companion.

"Wow, you look so tiny from up here."

Levi only rolled his eyes at her attempt at sarcasm, not feeling the need to shoot back a snarky comment because deep down, he couldn't wait any longer to see Vanya making a fool out of herself once the gear is activated. "Just give me your hand grips, brat."

The girl fished for the hand controllers at her sides and handed it to him. Once Levi had the hand grips, he stepped in front of her and aimed each grip at her periphery. Then, he pulled the trigger, shooting out the grapple hooks from her waist. One hook latched onto a pole on her left side while the other hook pierced through a wall of a building on her right side.

Vanya suddenly felt the belt around her waist tighten from the tension of the wires pulling her from opposite sides. But luckily, the gas mechanism hasn't been activated yet, leaving her feet still firmly planted on the crate.

She must have looked like a puppet at that moment with the steel wires extending from her body and restraining her movement.

"Okay, what now? Am I supposed to turn on the gas?"

"No, we're not doing that bit yet," Levi examined her position from head to toe. "You're going to do first the aptitude test they do in the military when they start teaching their cadets to use the gears."

"And how does that work?"

The man brought one foot up on the crate in front of her. "Once I kick this box off, you are to step off and balance yourself midair for as long as you can hold."

"That's it?" Vanya raised an eyebrow. "That sounds pretty easy."

"That's what your brat of a brother also said," Levi smirked, readying himself to kick the crate with one foot. "Okay, I'm about to kick this in three... two.. O -- "

"WAIT!" She shrieked.

"What now?"

"If anything happens..." she mumbled, avoiding his eyes with an embarrassed flush on her cheeks. "You..."

Vanya grimaced, trying to rack her brain for the right words before she found it.

"You'll catch me, right?"

Levi blinked a few times at his redheaded best friend who was towering over him. Her face shied away to the side, clearly indicating that Vanya didn't want him to see how she needed him in case something happened. She looked like a stubborn kid, with her small lips pouting and her forehead all scrunched up. Stubborn, but cute.

The corners of Levi's lips ever so slightly curled at the cusp of a tiny smile. It was barely a smile, the muscles on his face didn't seem to grasp what a smile was. But nonetheless, it was Levi's version of a smile.

"Of course... of course, I'll catch you."

And with one final push, Levi prodded the crate forward with one foot as Vanya squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the surface beneath her footing disappear.

It all happened too fast.

First, there was pain.

An immense wave of pain shot right where her hip joints were the moment she was hanging in midair. The tension of the wires pulling at her waist and lifting her weight was too much for her to bear, causing her to bite her lips to hold the pain.

Vanya's face contorted in anguish because the next thing she knew, her torso was slowly falling forward as she braced herself from the impending impact once her face was about to meet the pavement.

But there was no impact. She didn't feel the squash of her nose colliding with the ground the way she was dreading.

Instead, she felt strong hands securely grabbing her shoulders and pushing her weight up in the air to protect her from hitting her head on the ground. Vanya slowly peeled her eyes open to see Levi's face just centimeters away from hers. Her body was still tilted forward from her poor balance but the hands on her shoulder kept her still from titling any further and crashing into him.

They both stared deeply into each other's eyes. Levi's grey eyes looked so calm yet unyielding that Vanya felt like he could plunge into her green eyes and meet her bare soul. From the gravity pulling her down, her auburn hair fell over shoulders like curtains framing her face as it barely grazed his cheeks, almost hitting one of his eyes.

Then, Levi's gaze glided down to her small nose, to the freckles that adorned her rose-flushed cheeks, and finally, her small plump lips that were just right there, temptingly close from his own ones.

Vanya felt her chest at the brink of an explosion when her heart started picking up in speed, she was certain it was going to pierce right through her ribcage.

Because for the first time in their inseparable friendship, she realized how breathtakingly handsome Levi looked up this close. His raven hair that fell over his forehead, his cheekbones that added an elegant sharpness to his features, and his crisp grey eyes -- every facial detail made him look unbelievably attractive. Vanya felt like a fool for only finding this out now.

And his lips were just right there. Right there. If Vanya willed herself to tilt her head a little further, she'd finally know the feeling of what it's like to have someone's lips on hers after years of romanticizing and dreaming about what her first kiss would be like.

And from the hazy look in Levi's eyes, he, too, wondered the same.

But suddenly, all thoughts were disrupted when another wave of pain shot through Vanya's hips, making her yelp out in pure agony.

"L-levi... it hurts... sh... fu... it really hurts," she winced, shutting her eyes as she felt the salty liquid building up in her eyes.

Levi's eyes widened in panic as his grip on her shoulders tightened. "What? What hurts? Vanya, tell me!"

Her hands desperately grabbed his forearms, feeling the urge to latch onto something to tolerate the excruciating feeling on her lower body.

"My hips... I don't know... it just hurts..." Her nails dug into his skin as she hissed but Levi couldn't care less about how she was going to leave fingernail marks on him.

He peered over to where her hips were to see that nothing was out of the ordinary. Nothing was digging into her waist that could possibly make her feel any sort of pain. No one had ever experienced pain at their waist whenever they were taking the balance test. Usually, the only pain people would experience is when they hit their head onto the ground whenever they lose their balance.

But here she was, her face scrunched up to bear the misery she was feeling. Her lips were quivering and tears started appearing from the corner of her eyes.

He glanced at the wires that extended from her hips that hoisted her weight up only to realize that the pain could only be coming from the tension she was feeling from the wires that were pulling her up. But then, he usually didn't feel any sort of pain from the tension whenever he was using the gear.

He frantically searched his brain for answers as to why Vanya was feeling tormented until it hit him.

ODM gear users don't feel pain at their hips unless they have weak hip joints.

And people who experience weak hip joints were the ones showing early signs of bone failure.

"Levi, p-please make it stop..."

Levi didn't have any more second thoughts as he hurriedly reached one hand to the hand grips on her sides, and pulled the triggers to release the grapple hooks from the wall and the pole.

In turn, Vanya's body instantly dropped onto him, making them both crash onto the ground. But only Levi felt the harsh impact of the ground on his back as his body served as a cushion between the hard pavement and her tiny body which now laid on top of him.

He tried his best to not show any signs of pain in front of her as he gritted his teeth to keep himself from groaning. On the other hand, Vanya was panting heavily from how long she was tolerating the pain she was feeling from the wires.

"Are you okay? Can you stand?" Levi worriedly asked, his face uncharacteristically morphing into one that looked so fearful for her safety.

"I... I don't know. I think I can."

Levi slowly sat up, bringing his arms protectively around her to bring her up as well. They were now sitting on the grimey ground but Vanya was situated on his lap. She instantly blushed at their compromising position before squeaking, "I'm sorry!"

The man shook his head, not minding how close they were or how his arms remained wrapped around her as he pressed her to his chest. He feared that if he released her from his arms, maybe the pain would come back to her and God knows how he'll panic when that happens again.

"It's okay. Come on, let's see if you can stand."

Levi removed himself from her, stood up on his feet and offered both of his hands to her. "Come on, take my hands."

The way he had said those words was filled with gentleness that Vanya couldn't help but feel enticed by how he was delicately treating her. She slowly reached for his hands, feeling the warmth that radiated from his palms and the way her small hands seemed to perfectly fit into his like a missing piece completing a jigsaw puzzle.

Carefully, she used all her strength to push herself up and was surprised how easily she came to her feet.

"I'm fine," she mumbled more to herself than to him.

The remnants of the pain at her hips were all gone, feeling normal again as she stood on her feet. Levi only released the breath he didn't know he was holding but not her hands that he was still protectively gripping.

"Good..." he could only say.

The image of her face twisting in agony flashed before his eyes once again and he swore, he felt like he was about to devastatingly break into pieces at the sight of her being tortured by her own pain. It was a haunting imagery he never ever wanted to see again as he shook his head in hopes to cast the thoughts away.

"Is it normal for first-time users to feel that?" The innocence in Vanya's voice caused a wrench in his chest.

"Yes. Yes it is."

Levi could only lie, selfishly shielding her away from the dreadful truth that she, too, was following the grim fate of her mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week had passed and the unprecedented event that transpired in that particular training session was still all over Vanya's mind as she was walking to the direction of the hideout.

She could clearly remember how Levi quickly ended the training, which was very outlandish for him, knowing how eager he was to teach her the gears. But at the same time, she could also vividly remember the torturous sensation she felt at her hip joints, which prompted Levi to cut the training short. The frantic look all over his face already gave it away, not giving her the opportunity to question his spontaneous decision any further

For a moment, Vanya feared that the pain she felt was all too similar to the symptoms of her mother's condition. That it was the cruel way of the universe reminding her that it was now her time that she would lose her ability to walk just like the unfortunate people who laid helplessly on the streets as she passed by them. Though she knew that not _everyone_ in the Underground will have bone failure, the overwhelming statistics of citizens dying from the complications brought by bone failure was still enough to terrify her into thinking that she, too, could end up being part of the numbers.

And slowly, even her mother was about to add up to the statistics. Lately, Lily's immune system had tremendously weakened which made her easily contract sporadic fevers and infections. Who knew bone failure could ultimately lead to such complications? Even if Vanya was well adept at whatever medical knowledge she could get her hands on, at the end of the day, she was still nothing but a fledgling healer of primitive medicinal practices. She wasn't as equipped and skilled as the actual professionals working in first-rate hospitals on the surface. She only had her herbal medicines and basic instructional manuals from her unknown sender. If only she had received formal education in a prestigious medical institution somewhere in Mitras, then maybe she could still save her mother.

But Vanya knew it all too well -- her mother was already gradually slipping away from the land of the living and that the clock of the universe was ticking and creeping towards Lily's demise. And Vanya knew she had no choice but to accept the will of the universe no matter how hard she tried to find a cure.

She once again returned to the memory of the pain she felt at her hip joints when she was using the ODM gear. She suddenly felt horrified that maybe the universe also wanted to snatch her life away too. That in no time, she'd end up lying frail and incapacitated on a bed, the exact state Lily was in when Vanya left her to rest that morning as she was now walking to the location of the hideout.

But she knew she had no reason to worry about her own health. Because Levi had reassured her that the hip pain she went through was the same pain all ODM gear users had to go through in their first-time of the apparatus. And the fact that she could still walk perfectly just fine was a lucky sign that she was still normal and strong as ever.

Or so she thought.

But right now, all she needed to worry about was keeping her mother alive for as long as she possibly can even if her medical skills were still crude.

Vanya continued her venture only to be stopped on her tracks when she heard a series of voices shouting and footsteps running a few meters away from her.

She whipped her head to the source of the commotion and instantly caught a sight of a petite girl with the same fiery auburn hair as hers running, or more like escaping, to Vanya's direction.

The girl was clutching something to her chest but Vanya couldn't make out the object she was protecting. When the girl saw Vanya, she approached her in a flash and looked at the medic with begging eyes.

"Please help me! They're chasing after me, I didn't mean to escape to the stairwell, I swear!"

The girl was talking too fast from how she was trying to catch her breath. Her eyes gave a childish glint and her height barely reached Vanya's. The woman was sure this girl was certainly younger than her. Vanya laid a steady hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

"Who's chasing you?" She asked, keeping her composure intact so as to not induce more unnecessary panic.

"The guards of the stairwell. Please help me, I don't want to be handed over to the police!"

Vanya looked over the girl's shoulder to see the shadows of three men emerging from the corner of the street a few meters from where they stood. Then, she turned back at the young girl who looked so lost and small that if Vanya didn't help her, she would blame herself forever.

"What's your name, dear?"

"I-isabel."

"Okay, Isabel, follow me."

Vanya wrapped one arm around Isabel's shoulder as she began whisking the smaller girl to where the hideout was. They ran and ran down the dilapidated streets, not caring that she was helping a complete stranger and leading her and a couple of men trailing after them to the secret hideout Furlan and Levi had worked so hard in keeping it hidden.

In no time, they had finally reached the block where the hideout was located and the familiar building of where her gang dwelled stood before their eyes. They ran up the stairs leading to the doorstep before Vanya brought up her fist to pound at the door.

"Furlan! Levi! Open up!"

She continuously pounded the door that she was sure Levi would give her a scolding since she knew how he despised hearing incessant noises.

She finally stopped when the door flew open, revealing a bewildered Furlan who had opened the door for them.

"Vanya, what the --"

"No time to explain, just move!" Vanya pushed her blonde best friend to the side and hurriedly led Isabel into the living room of the hideout. "We're being chased."

"Oy, who the fuck is this kid?" Levi stood in front of them with a small knife in his hand, ready to use it in case the stranger Vanya brought was a dangerous intruder.

"I'm not a kid!" Isabel bellowed fiercely, still clutching whatever she was protecting onto her chest.

"Is that so? Then I won't feel bad for kicking you out then," the stoic man said bluntly.

"Over my dead body," Vanya stood in front of the little girl to shield her away from Levi, who was already shooting daggers at her with his eyes.

Furlan, the sensible man he was, stepped upfront to appease the situation. "Vanya, who is she? Is she a relative of yours?"

"No, but -- "

"Over here!"

A man's voice shouted from outside, causing Isabel to flinch in fear. Vanya automatically brought her arms around the girl and pulled her to her chest, resembling a mother protecting her child.

"It's them," Vanya said in panic as she felt Isabel's head burying further into her touch.

Furlan and Levi exchanged looks before they nodded tersely at each other and went for the door to deal with the men who were chasing after the two girls.

"When she's caught, I'll be the first to have fun with her."

When Vanya heard this from the guard outside, her face scowled as she spat, "Disgusting."

"Hey!" The man who seemed to be the leader of the group called over at Levi and Furlan who were leaning against the entrance. "There's a dirty little kid over here, right?"

Furlan, who usually did the negotiating and the talking, responded confidently, "Those are the only kinds around."

"Huh?" The leader gruffly uttered before creeping up the staircase to approach the doorstep. "You guys are the thugs in this area, right?"

"Which of us are?" Furlan smirked.

When the leader finally got a clear view of the entrance, his eyes widened at the sight of Vanya hugging the girl they were after to her chest, shielding Isabel from them. The older redhead glowered viciously at the guard as her arms tightened around the petite girl, who was still clutching the mysterious object in her palms.

"Oy, lady. You better hand that girl back or else we're taking you with us."

"Like hell, I will." Vanya's glare intensified.

"Are you guys friends?" The man said challengingly.

The woman was about to bite back when Furlan cut in for her. "No."

"Then, hand over to us. You'll be sorry for covering for her."

Another man added, "After all, she tried to get past the 11th stairway without paying!"

This appalled Levi and Furlan but Vanya didn't seem fazed by the news. She was confident that Isabel didn't have the intention to escape.

"You guys should know this. The 11th stairway is under the jurisdiction of one of the nobles, Nicolas Lovof. Anyone who tries to pass there without paying is prosecuted."

"Of course, you'll be charged too for being her accomplice."

Isabel flinched in Vanya's arms when she heard that.

"It's okay," Vanya whispered reassuringly into her ear. "Nothing will happen to us..."

"If you guys get it, hurry up and hand her over!"

"I don't care anymore, move away from her!" The leader snarled when no one budged before stepping closer to the entrance.

When the man approached even further to the door, Vanya alertly stepped back as she pulled the young girl with her. She anxiously glanced at her two best friends who were still calmly standing by the door, and wondered why they weren't doing anything yet.

The man cackled menacingly right when he finally stepped into the premise of the hideout. He hungrily peered at the two redheads who were cowering away from him. But when he laid a hand on Levi's shoulder, assuming it was a friendly gesture, the man didn't realize how he had made the biggest mistake in his entire life.

A big, stupid mistake.

Faster than the speed of sound, Levi swung his arm up that was holding a knife and sweeply slashed through the leader's palm. Blood splattered everywhere from how fast the knife grazed through the skin, staining the floor and Levi's precious knife. Vanya silently gasped as she watched in horror the sight of blood dripping down the man's hand.

The man gurgled in shock as he processed what just happened before Levi came with his fist flying into the man's face and sending him to the ground. The smaller man kicked and stomped his body mercilessly, filling the whole hideout with sounds of bones cracking and the poor man's guttural throaty sounds. The two girls squinched at every brutal hit, watching Levi whose eyes were now frenzied.

The ravenette then harshly grabbed the man's collar and pulled him to his feet like he weighed nothing before spitting to his face. "Don't touch me with your filthy hand, I might get dirty." And then, he pushed him off the stairs with the rest of the guards catching their beaten up leader.

"Oh my," Furlan drawled with a pretense of friendliness. "You can't do it like that, we always prioritize hygiene. Wash your hands and come again."

"These guys are dangerous, let's go!" The other man yelped in fear before they finally scurried away, dragging their bloodied leader with them .

When the footsteps of the guards finally died away, Vanya spoke up precariously. "A-are they gone?"

"Yeah, she's safe now," Furlan looked back at them with assurance.

The medic sighed in relief before untangling herself from Isabel, who was now marveling at Levi like he was some sort of deity much mightier than the Walls.

"Oy, how long are you going to hold it to your stomach?" Levi narrowed his eyes at whatever the young girl was clutching. "It'll die, you know."

She instantly gasped and unfurled her hands to reveal a frail-looking bird wrapped in a blanket. "B-but, I thought it'd be warm."

Vanya drew closer, staring at the creature in amazement. "Would you look at that..."

"What's with the bird?" Furlan asked curiously.

"It got lost on its way here, probably through some duct. So I thought I'll bring it to the surface."

The older girl smiled warmly, moved by how kind and pure Isabel was as she watched her stroke the feathers of the bird.

"Don't tell me you tried to break through the stairway just for that?"

Vanya snapped defensively at Furlan, "Oh hush, I think that's lovely of her. After all, a bird doesn't belong here in the Underground, right, dear?"

Isabel gawked at her, astonished by how the older girl perfectly understood and validated her intentions. She was touched by how kind the pretty woman was from the very moment she helped her escape, to the way she protected her with her arms and now, she was the only person in the room who didn't look at her like some idiot who tried to escape just to free a bird.

She was like an angel sent down to save her. From that moment, Isabel wished she had a sister like Vanya.

"Y-yeah, that's right! This guy deserves to fly in the sky, after all."

"Yes but before that," Vanya drew closer to the bird in her hands. "We need to take care of it, its wings seem injured."

"What?!"

"Not to worry, I can fix it," The way Vanya giggled reminded Isabel of the soft chiming of the bells

"Really?"

"Of course! I'm a medic, this should be easy as pie."

Vanya gently took the weak bird from Isabel's hands and laid the creature on a cloth that was placed on the dining table. She then proceeded to bring out her medical kit and pulled out the bundle of bandages she had stored. As Vanya began to expeditiously patch up the bird's wings, Isabel ogled at how her small and thin hands moved with expertise. When she was done, all Isabel could do was gape at the bird who was now neatly wrapped with bandages.

"Woah, you're really good at this!"

"She's a keeper, this one. We're nothing without her," Furlan chuckled, ruffling Vanya's hair with pride.

"Oh, shush!" Vanya replied bashfully.

"Oh wait, I haven't gotten your names yet. I'm Isabel!"

Vanya smiled sweetly at her. "I'm Vanya, this is Furlan and that grinch over there? That's Levi."

No one could miss the slight annoyance in Levi's face at how he was introduced as the man was sitting away from them.

Isabel surveyed each face of her saviors as she familiarized herself with their names on her lips. "So... Vanya... Furlan... and Levi... Bro! Levi-bro!"

Levi perked as he glanced at Isabel with questioning eyes. "Bro?"

"Yes! And you're sis!" The girl added as she looked at Vanya with admiration.

"Oh!" Vanya's smile seemed to stretch further as she felt her heart melting for the sprightly girl.

"I mean, you do look like sisters. Red hair, green eyes. Are you sure you guys aren't related?" Furlan speculated, looking back and forth between the similarities of their physical features.

"No way! She's too pretty to be my sister," Isabel huffed.

"Hey, you're pretty too!" Vanya chuckled, pinching the younger girl's cheek teasingly, making the latter laugh.

"Oh, by the way! Listen," Isabel shifted to a determined face as if to propose a business.

"Please let me become one of you!"

This caught the attention of the three older people in the room.

"Eh?"

"You guys have been using the ODM gears, right? I've seen it before!" the girl continued assertively. "I felt really envious, you guys fly around like birds. Please, I want to try it too!"

The air around them changed as the echoes of Isabel's bravery hovered over them all. Furlan and Levi warily looked at each other but Vanya looked elated and proud at how the younger girl spoke up.

"You're strong-willed. I'll give you that," Vanya stroked Isabel's head tenderly.

"What do you think?" Furlan expectantly asked Levi, who looked reluctant about this whole situation.

"Come on, Levi," Vanya softly called out with such emotion and eagerness. Her green eyes shining heartily against his obstinate ones that he had to look away and stand up from how magnetizing her begging eyes were.

Suddenly, Levi was whisked back to a particular memory three years ago when it was another small redhead who was begging to join their gang under the shadows of the tunnel.

He strutted toward the exit, ignoring them, but was stopped by Isabel's small but strong voice.

"Please!"

Levi paused for a moment before boredly replying, "If you stay here, learn how to clean before you learn how to use the ODM gear."

And with that, he was out of the door, leaving Isabel purely confused at what he had just said.

"Well," Furlan broke the silence. "Now, we've got two redheads to deal with this time."

Isabel glanced at the two remaining people and saw the kind-hearted smiles on their faces flashing at her. From the way Furlan and Vanya looked at her with imprints of sincerity and affections, it finally dawned on her.

She had made it. Isabel was finally part of the gang.

Vanya chuckled, resounding the melodic bells once more as she stood up and embraced Isabel into her loving arms when no one did when she, herself, joined the gang three years ago.

Because as ambitious as it seemed, Vanya wanted to make this hideout a home for the lost who deserved to be loved. For the weak who will be strong. And the broken who will learn to mend. No matter how many times people would tell her that her goodness would be no use in this dark cruel world, this didn't stop her from spreading the light people deserved to see.

And as she felt the little girl hugging her back like Vanya was the beacon of safety and solitude Isabel longed to take refuge in, Vanya knew she was finally getting there one step at a time.

"Welcome to the family, Isabel." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY THE GANG IS NOW COMPLETE! 
> 
> ALSO OMGGGG SEASON 4 IS OUT AJHDKSDHKFKHKH I think I'm going to watch it later, I really can't wait already for what's about to happen. And while watching, I'll also be conceptualizing how Vanya will play a part during the war in S4, and watch out, she has an important role that can possibly create a slight change in the canon events ;) 
> 
> But for now, this series will be full of fluff, angst, and slice of life. I'm still going to be focusing on building Levi and Vanya's relationship, it will really take some time. And then after that, it will be plot heavy by chapter 20-ish?, following the canon events so bear with me! 
> 
> I guess that's it? Next chapter will be up next week! 
> 
> Frankie xo


	15. Life in the Underground, Part 8: A Burden Worth Carrying

**_Year 844_ **

It had been approximately seven minutes.

Seven minutes of blaring silence that bristled with suspense over the dining room of the hideout. The sounds of the hushed bubbling of the heating water in the kettle, and the occasional weak chirps from a bandaged bird resting in its own makeshift bed drowned out the agitated heartbeats of the three people slumped over the table.

Seven minutes had passed as Furlan and Vanya intensely stared with sheer anticipation at Isabel, whose face was already trickling with beads of her own sweat. The more seconds elapsed, the closer the two adults leaned over the small teenager. They anxiously waited for the young girl’s next move like the whole scenario was a grand matter of life and death.

_Tap… tap… tap…_

“Come on, Isabel. You can do it,” Furlan implored while shakily tightening his grip on the edge of the table.

“I know! Just… just shut up for a second and let me think,” Isabel sneered through her gritted teeth. It was clear all over her face how immensely frustrated she was as she glared at the great obstacle that stood mockingly before her.

“Remember, dear, you can always use your hands,” Vanya’s voice was prodding yet tender and encouraging as she laid a hand on Isabel’s back.

The girl nodded doubtfully before bringing up both of her hands in front of her face. Isabel gave one tough look at her fingers before she shut her eyes and crunched up her face in full concentration. Her lips moved through her breath and for every inaudible word she whispered, she’d bring down one finger until all her hands were fully closed, only to open her hands again, whisper tiny words, bring down a finger, and the process repeated.

“Any longer now…” Furlan muttered impatiently.

Vanya lightly hit her friend on the shoulder beratingly. “Give her time, Furlan. She’s getting there.”

“10… 11… 12… 13… 14,” Isabel stopped her counting and opened her eyes in astonishment.

“Good!” The older girl grinned. “Now what do you do with the 14?”

“You dissect it?”

“That’s right, so what’s next?”

“Ummm…” Isabel stammered while scratching your head before the answer gradually came to her. “Bring down the ‘four’ while the ‘one’ will be carried over.”

“Yes! Now you can finally finish solving the problem,” Vanya gave her one final encouragement as she watched Isabel scribbling down the last numbers on the paper.

“So it’s...2450 -- no, it’s 2460. Is that right? 1876 plus 584 equals 2460?”

The proud grin on Vanya’s face never faltered as she chuckled merrily, and brushed through Isabel’s spiky hair with her fingers. “Well done, Isabel!”

The girl, who unfortunately grew up as an orphan in the streets and never had anyone to teach her basic addition, instantly lit up like the break of dawn before she enthusiastically turned to their blonde companion.

“You see that, Furlan? I told you I can do math!”

“Yeah, but way slower than an average person,” Furlan grumbled, looking relieved after having to sit through almost ten agonizing minutes of watching Isabel strenuously solve a basic addition problem he could solve in less than a minute.

“Oh, give the girl a break,” Vanya chided the man. “What matters is that she’s improving.”

Next thing she knew, she felt a weight digging onto her accompanied by a choking sensation when Isabel attacked her with a vigorous embrace. The younger one pressed her own cheek against Vanya’s, squishing their faces together and making her yelp at the surprise contact.

“You’re the best, sis!” Isabel giggled, tightening her arms around the older’s neck.   
  
“Of… course…” Vanya croaked while Furlan tried his best to stifle a laugh.

“So, sis, when can I get my own jar of peach jam?”

“Maybe if you let me go, then I’ll tell you.”

Isabel never moved so fast as she quickly untangled herself from Vanya, making the latter finally regain her normal breathing again.

“Oops, sorry,” Isabel sheepishly said. “Sooo, when can I get it?”

“Once you finish another practice sheet.”

“WHAT?!” the girl screeched, slamming a fist onto the table. “But I don’t want to do more math!”

“You’ve got to work hard to get the peaches. After all, they’re not easy to come by,” Vanya shrugged, unbothered by how the table shook from the force of Isabel’s hand.

“But _you_ don’t need to work hard for it, they just arrive at your doorstep. You can’t keep all those jams for yourself,” Isabel reasoned with an accusing tone. “I mean, why do you even get those boxes of supplies anyway? Who’s sending it?”

“No one knows,” Furlan whistled, leaning back into his seat in a casual manner. “All we know is that she gets those supplies every two months. When you get free stuff regularly, there’s no need to question why.”

“I don’t believe it,” Isabel snorted, crossing her arms. “It definitely has to be someone close to her. I bet it’s a secret admirer.”

“Oh, don’t be foolish!” Vanya’s face instantly flushed, which made its color match her own hair. “I highly doubt that.”

“Actually, she’s got a point,” the only man widened his eyes as if he had witnessed a revelation. “It’s highly possible someone out there likes Vanya.”

Vanya scoffed at the possibility before justifying, “Or it could be my father who left our family. He’s from the surface, in case you forgot.”

“Nah, it’s got to be a secret boyfriend!” the sprightly redhead cooed. “Ooooh, Vanya’s got a boyfriend!”

“I don’t have a boyfriend!”

“But I bet you want one.”

“N-no, I don’t!”

“You stuttered!”

“I did not,” Vanya sneered loud and clear at the way her two friends were teasingly wiggling their eyebrows at her. “I don’t need a boyfriend, I have you guys.”

“You’re just flattering us,” Furlan deadpanned, unconvinced.

“Don’t be such a bummer, sis,” Isabel propped one elbow onto the table to support her head up on her hand. She bore a suggestive expression while arching an eyebrow as she said, “There’s got to be at least one time you wanted to know what it feels like to be held or kissed.”

Furlan wanted to facepalm, not really keen on where the topic was drifting.“You’re seriously having this conversation while I’m here?”

“Yes, because romance knows no gender,” Isabel retaliated with her usual spunk.

As the two delved into a petty quarrel back and forth ( _“Your fragile masculinity is reeking, Furlan!”_ Isabel had said.), their whiny voices were all muffled to Vanya as she dived into a headspace that mulled over what Isabel had said.

_There’s got to be at least one time you wanted to know what it feels like to be held or kissed._

Her consciousness began to drift towards that particular moment the other week when she was practicing the use of the ODM gear for the first time (and possibly the last) with her ravenette best friend. The whole memory was still vivid in her mind; she could still remember and _feel_ every sensation that evoked from that somehow intimate interaction that ensued in just a short amount of time. Though she couldn’t forget the excruciating pain she had felt at her hips back then, her mind could entirely remember the way Levi’s protective hands held her shoulders from hitting the ground while she tried to balance with the wires holding her in place.

It was the way the distance between their faces was practically nonexistent that she was certain Levi could hear her wild heartbeat, or how she caught the scent of cedarwood and musk on him, and how she felt a slight hitch in his breathing when her hair had fallen over her shoulder and caressed his face. She could still feel his arms securely wrapped around her even after he had released the wires when they fell on the ground together.

But the most unforgettable one was his eyes. Vanya could never forget the look in his grey eyes that didn’t appear as stone cold as they usually did, no, that was not it.

Because when Levi’s gaze darted downwards right where her soft lips was, she saw the look of confusion and daze in his eyes when he realized that what he didn’t know he wanted for so long was just there, suspended in midair, right in front of him.

And when Vanya looked down at his lips, she, too, felt the same unknown sensation blossoming within her -- the uncanny possibility of your best friend being your first kiss.

God, it was a good thing Furlan and Isabel were too busy bickering because they were missing out on their friend who was now blushing like a teenager over some petty crush.

Crush -- now that baffled Vanya.

Come to think of it, never in her life had she fantasized about Levi, not even once. It never crossed her mind the thought of being romantically intimate with her best friend despite their countless moments spent together in the last three years. For the longest time, Vanya thought that every interaction they had was purely platonic, perhaps even familial. Whenever they’d get physical with each other (that is, whenever she had to hold him still whenever she was treating his wounds, or that one time he had to carry her on his back when she had clumsily tripped while escaping during a heist), she never felt what the poets or the quintessential authors were depicting in their books: the butterflies. There were no “heart skipping a beat” or sleepless nights daydreaming about him. Heck, she was pretty sure could even recall a time when she confidently regarded Levi the same way she saw Cedric and Furlan -- like a brother.

But if Vanya was convinced that all Levi was to her was nothing more than a best friend or a brother, then where did that sudden urge to kiss him come from? And if she switched the tables and Furlan was the one who was training her the gears and protecting her from falling, would she also feel the same urge with him?

The interesting thing was, Vanya could confidently say that she wouldn’t feel that certain way towards Furlan; she loved him too much like a brother for her to feel that way for him. But why isn’t she as confident when it was Levi in the picture whom she also saw as her “brother” (or at least, she thought)?

And why is all this confusion only happening now? Why did it have to take three years for her to arrive at this weird feeling in her chest?

Vanya felt like her head was about to explode from how she was overthinking the whole scenario.

_No, I’m definitely not having a crush on Levi. Maybe I’m just curious because I haven’t been kissed in my entire 21 years in this suckish life and he just so happened to be conveniently present at that moment when my hormones were completely wack. Gosh, hormones? Really, Vanya? What are you, 16?_

She mentally sighed, returning to her reality just in time to see that Isabel had just smacked Furlan’s arm, leaving the latter a groaning mess while the former could only guffaw proudly.

Was Vanya really overthinking that long that she had completely missed out on what the two were fighting about?

“Where’s Levi?”

Vanya quickly bit her lips the moment the inquiry escaped her mouth. It only registered to her now that the culprit of her mental dilemma had been missing for over an hour already. She just couldn’t help but ask.

“Training the newbies, most probably,” Furlan answered, still cringing from the pain in his arm. He sent a deadly look at Isabel before he stood up from his seat. “I should check up on him.”

“Yeah…” Vanya mumbled, pretending not to care about Levi’s whereabouts. “I should be preparing us some supper too before I head home and check up on mama.”

“They’re training without me? That’s unfair! I want to use the gears again,” Isabel whined, sprawling her arms all over the table.

“Learn how to start multiplying numbers and then you can use the gears again,” their blonde friend scoffed before walking out of the door and leaving Isabel’s cursings at him unheard.

“He’s just exaggerating,” Vanya patted the younger girl’s head in reassurance. “Although, I just can never understand what’s so exciting about using the gear.”

“What do you mean? It’s fun! It’s like being a free bird in the sky. Makes me forget that we’re living under some cave.”

The older girl frowned. “But isn’t the pain you feel at your hips enough to discourage you from using it?”

“Huh? What pain?”

“You know,” Vanya placed her hands at her hips to demonstrate. “The pain you’ll feel right here when it’s your first time using it?”

“But…” Isabel looked at her weirdly. “I don’t feel any pain whenever I use the ODM gear. Never have.”

Now that immensely caught Vanya’s attention.  
  


“Really?” she said in disbelief. “But Levi said it’s normal to feel it during the first time.”

“Bro didn’t even warn me anything. Although he did warn me about falling flat on my face if I don’t balance. Now _that_ waspainful as hell. But pain at the hips? Nah.”

Something wasn’t sitting right with it. Vanya felt an ominous shift in the air. Why did it awfully feel like Levi was withholding something from her?

It was now a slurry of confusion in Vanya’s head. She was about to ask further when the front door opened and speak of the devil, the person who had been invading her headspace for a while now came strutting in, looking as sullen and careless as ever.

“Bro, you’re back! Why didn’t you let me train with you guys?” Isabel cried out with puppy eyes.

Levi was holding a bag filled with what it seemed to be different fruits, some potatoes and loaves of bread. The question of if he had purchased it with his own money or resorted to just stealing these goods instead remained a mystery.

The moment he had entered the room, Vanya felt the heat once again rising onto her pale face that she had to look away from him and hope he wouldn’t catch her face already resembling tomatoes.

“What’s 67 plus 38?” asked Levi out of the blue as he sharply looked at Isabel.

The girl’s eyes bulged at the abrupt mathematical question. “Uhhhh,” she drawled while nervously glancing at her tutor who had been teaching her the whole day.

Meanwhile, Vanya gestured at her hands as if to non verbally tell Isabel the secret weapon to overcoming the question: count with your damn fingers.

But sadly, Levi was too much of a prick when he snapped, “No hands.”

Isabel’s jaws dropped. No hands basically meant it was the end of her.

“Now, now, Levi, isn’t that too harsh?” Vanya sighed wearily.

“I don’t care. If the brat can prove herself that she can do something as basic as adding numbers then I’ll let her use the gears.”

At that moment, all the stupid and romantic thoughts she had shamelessly associated with Levi vanished were replaced with the usual annoyance she had always harboured for him. Truly, there wasn’t a time when she didn’t find her best friend so goddamn bothersome -- Levi just never stopped getting on her nerves. Vanya could maybe fantasize about him all she wanted but at the end of the day, she will always hold onto the truth that she will always find him annoying no matter what.

 _Levi and I wouldn’t be compatible, anyway. We would always be lashing out on each other._ Vanya relentlessly reminded herself.

Oh, if only the foolish girl knew that a year or two from that moment, she and Levi will have lived together under a roof of a cobblestone cottage somewhere on the surface as a married couple who still lashed out at each other like their bickering and immature selves in their earlier years in the Underground. But nonetheless, they will have discovered by then that the unconditional love they didn’t know they were capable of feeling can be found right in each other’s existence, no matter how many times Vanya reminded herself how incompatible they were.

But for now, Vanya didn’t have to know that yet. It will eventually come.

And so, while her future was still unbeknownst to her, she voiced out the pent up frustration she always had for him, “God, you’re so unbelievable.”

Levi ignored her and looked at Isabel once again with an even more harsh gaze that he could actually graze her soul. “Isabel, 67 plus 38. Now.”

“Ummmm,” Isabel’s eyes turned to the ceiling as she tried to mentally count in her head, channeling all the concentration she could muster. But she ended up counting out loud because her brain cells just gave up on her. “Eight plus seven… one… two… three… uhhh, fifteen?”

Vanya nodded vigorously, gesturing to her to continue.

“Okay, so ‘five’ stays and ‘one’ carries over…so that’s six plus seven plus another one…”

The two older adults eagerly watched her as if a suspenseful scene was unravelling before them as they hung on every number Isabel uttered out loud dubiously. Vanya never thought there would come a day when her heart would beat frantically in anxiety just by watching a younger girl adding numbers in her heads.

Finally, Isabel’s face beamed as the prospect of a correct answer finally hit her.

“Ah! Is it 95 --”

Vanya wanted to slap her own face in second hand embarrassment while Levi only narrowed his eyes ruthlessly at Isabel.

“ -- oh no, my bad. It’s 105! I think… wait… right?”

Vanya felt the invisible weight lifting from her shoulder as she reached for Isabel’s cheek and pinched it giddily. “I knew you could do it, dear.”

“What? Really? I got it right?! Bro, does that mean I can resume my training again?!”

Isabel turned to Levi with big green eyes overflowing with her youthful innocence and wonder. Vanya would have melted at the expression Isabel would always adorn whenever the girl would beg for something as if she could coerce anyone just by flashing her puppy eyes. No one could say no to that look. Not even Levi, who didn’t look so thrilled nor proud at the girl who was able to answer such a simple addition problem, and yet he couldn’t deny: he, too, also had a soft spot for this younger redhead.

“You continue tomorrow, 8am sharp. And If you sleep in again, you’re never gonna find yourself using the gears ever again. You got that, brat?”

“Yes, bro!” the said brat said with high spirits while giving a salute. Then, she stood up from her seat and scurried to the door. “Actually, I’m gonna go find Furlan and pester him to train me right now, see ya!”

Before Levi could even object, Isabel was already out of the door, squealing frivolously like a child. With Furlan and Isabel now absent, this left an unsettling silence lingering in the space Levi and Vanya occupied.

“Just let her be,” Vanya forced a light-hearted chuckle. The whole ridiculous scenario of being alone with Levi was making her feel all sorts of uneasiness.

The man shot her a weirded look, sensing how fake her laugh sounded. “Whatever,” he muttered.

She heard Levi pulling out the contents of the bag he held and placing the food onto the kitchen counter. Vanya didn’t want to just sit by the table and look like a useless fool, so she stood up and said, “Is that for supper? Let me help you -- “

“No. Stay there and don’t move. I can do this by myself.”

The way he had shunned her offer to help surprised her. Although it wasn’t unusual for Levi to be this dismissive, there was something in his tone that sounded… apprehensive.

“O… kay?” Vanya eyed him oddly, who was now facing away from her as he prepared the food at the kitchen. But being the stubborn woman she was, she took a step forward but Levi was quick enough to hear the sound of her chair sliding.

“Oy, what are you doing? I said, stay there and don’t move. Are you deaf?”

“I just want to fix us some tea.”

“I’ll do that. Just… for fuck’s sake, don’t move too much. Don’t even stand.”

“But why?”

There was a slight pause in Levi’s end, a hesitation that lagged for a second before he was sharp enough to think of an excuse.

He didn’t want to say the truth.

“You’re gonna cause a mess.”

“Seriously?” Vanya said exasperatedly. The look on his face confirmed that he was _really_ serious which convinced her to finally back down from helping him. “Okay, fine, jeez,” she murmured while slumping back onto her seat.

Levi gave her one last suspicious look, as if he was expecting that she wasn’t going to listen to him before he turned back to his work.

The injured bird that they had been nursing for the past few days suddenly chirped from its spot in the living room, extinguishing the tension between the two. Vanya diverted her face in that direction with alertness.

_It must be hungry, I should feed it._

And so, completely and stubbornly going against Levi for the upteenth time, Vanya stood up from her seat because it seemed that tending to the bird’s needs was worth enduring the nasty earful she’ll receive subsequently from the man, who was now facing her with livid eyes the moment she even lifted her butt from the chair.

But she didn’t care. Vanya was about to bring one foot forward when she heard utensils being purposely dropped onto the tiles of the kitchen counter with an aggression so disturbing and chilling, the shrill clank made her jump.

But it was the words that followed that felt like a razor-sharp edge of a knife to her throat.

“Fu… shit -- fucking shit, I -- God! Fuck! What the fucking hell, Vanya? What the fuck can you not understand in ‘don’t move’, you shitty brat!? What? You suddenly lost your shitty senses to understand basic instructions, huh?”

Levi’s voice was shaky, ragged, thunderous, _terrifying_ that it rang and scratched against the bare walls -- no way the people outside couldn’t have heard it.

He had never raised his voice at her -- he wasn’t the type to and he didn’t want to be one. But there was something so potent swelling in him that was uncontrollable, he continued as if he hadn't said enough.

“Why can’t you just fucking listen, _listen_ , like -- like a goddamn human being? Why do you always have to be such a brat?”

And if that wasn’t enough, he spat his last words that sent the last crumbling pieces of whatever’s left of their withering friendship to its grave.

“Shit -- just… fuck! Shit, you’re always making things so fucking damn difficult for us, Vanya -- why do you have to be such a fucking burden to us?!”

The chirping of the bird stopped, the sound of a potato rolling onto the floor echoed, and the remnants of the fiery rage he had just ignited sliced through the air, and right through the fragile skin of the trembling horrified girl.

Suddenly, everything was all starting to turn hazy. One moment, he felt a fire unleashing within him, so strong that it was seething under his skin, and boiling his blood. And he _revelled_ in that rage like a drug to his insatiable being. But now, he felt dizzy. The aftermath of the firestorm rippled through his senses like the smoke of a recently extinguished blaze hovering the air, slowly poisoning the oxygen around them.

Levi heavily sucked in his breath, realizing what he had done, the pain he had inflicted, and the damage he could no longer undo. He couldn’t see Vanya’s face anymore. Her head dropped and her fiery red hair cascaded over her, covering the pained expression she was trying so hard to suppress but failed.

The response that came from her surprised the man.

“Are you done?”

Levi, finally stripped of every ounce of his temper, stared at her confusedly. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything -- he felt like he had no right to speak at all.

“You meant to say all of that just because I refused to stand still? What am I, Levi? Some pet you can order around? A ragdoll you can just toy with and toss around?”

The scariest thing about the way she had said it was the fact that her tone didn’t sound like the conventional angered tone you’d hear from a person who was offended. In fact, her voice was calm and steady like the eerie calm before the storm, sending shivers through Levi’s spine.

When Vanya looked up, her green eyes hardened like solid emeralds shining its untethered brilliance. The knuckles at her sides started shaking like an earthquake ready to cause destruction, and finally, the air that she slowly breathed out through her lips sounded like the winds that blew over the wreckage marked by a hurricane.

Right when Levi braced himself for the explosion that was about to come, the complete opposite happened -- Vanya started cackling.

No, the laugh didn’t sound too delighted the way it usually would when she was happy. It wasn’t the same melodious laugh he’d hear whenever she’d react at a funny joke Isabel would crack; the bell-like laugh when Furlan would merrily lift her off the ground after every successful mission, and not even the same euphoric laugh Levi would never forget during that one time they sprinted down the dark streets as they raced against each other back to the hideout (in which Vanya surprisingly beat him to it when actually, Levi intentionally slowed himself down just so the girl could win. But he didn’t feel the loss because if it meant hearing her blissful laugh, then that was already a win for him).

No, that wasn’t the case.

Because the chuckle Levi was hearing right at that moment was the opposite of the laugh he was fond of -- devoid of any happiness. It was dry, mocking, spiteful, and unsettling that goosebumps surged on his skin. Vanya looked like a fatigued woman who had finally lost every shred of her sanity.

“Jeez, Levi, what’s your problem with me moving around, huh? Hah, it’s not like you’re worried that my bones will fail on me anytime soon.”

It was just supposed to be a harmless and sarcastic attempt at humor to salvage whatever that’s left between _them_.

Vanya continued her dry, empty chuckle at the ridiculous prospect of what she just said. But when she caught the grimace on Levi’s lips and the way his shoulders had tensed at the mention of ‘bones’ and ‘fail’, the laugh started dying on her.

Because Levi, as a best friend, was a terrible liar. The man, for his dear life, could never hide anything from her.

Suddenly, all the indignation and anger in her dwindled when she called out his name with a voice so small and weak, “Levi…?”

Why did his face look like it was falling apart? Why was his lips quivering? Why did his eyes look like that? So disturbed and uneasy?

And then, everything started to feel nauseating as the walls of the gruesome truth started closing in on her, suffocating her.

Vanya saw her helpless mother who dropped on her knees the first time it happened to her six years ago.

_“Vanya… I can’t… I can’t stand…”_

Another memory reeled in but this time, it was her on the ODM gears, wincing in pain while Levi desperately tried to hold her in place.

_“L-levi… it hurts… sh… fu… it really hurts,”_

Finally, she was whisked into another scene but this time, it was much more recent. A scene that just happened moments ago when Vanya was skeptically questioning Isabel.

_“But…I don’t feel any pain whenever I use the ODM gear. Never have.”_

The horror finally sunk into her senses as the revelation crystallized itself right before her eyes.

“It’s almost my time now… isn’t it?”

Levi only looked at her in reply, afraid to verbalize the answer he had been relentlessly avoiding to admit.

“When you said that the pain is normal when you use the gears for the first time,” Vanya painstakingly said. “You… lied. You were lying, weren’t you?”

The strained look on his face was enough for her to know that he did withhold the truth from her. And Vanya loathed it when people had the guts to lie to her face. So, she grabbed her shawl and her bag, stood up and went for the door. But Levi was fast on his feet when he held her forearm to stop her.

“Vanya, wait, I’m so -- “

“Don’t you dare touch me!” she spat hatefully. A vortex of emotions was swirling inside her: hurt, anger, worry, and fear. She was lost, she didn’t know which one to feel. But if there’s one thing for sure, she was starting to feel sick in the stomach that she needed to escape. Something in the air of the hideout was choking her that she needed to get out and away from Levi.

“Levi, just -- just do me this goddamn favor and please, _please_ , leave me alone. I’m just a burden after all, right?”

Her words pricked at Levi’s skin and right into his chest. His head was pounding as the voice inside his head was screaming and dying to let her know that she wasn’t. He was just too infuriated that perhaps he stumbled upon the wrong words to say, channelled it without thinking, and hurled it right at her face.

But for some reason, his throat wouldn’t give him the chance to speak and tell her that she was wrong -- that he was wrong for saying those cruel words to her. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

Because if he could confidently say that she wasn’t a burden to him, not even the slightest, then he’d be lying to himself. The truth was, the very moment Cedric had begged Levi to take care of his sister right before he escaped from the Underground, Levi already knew how Vanya would be an immense burden he’d refuse to carry even before he had met the girl. He wasn’t some babysitter who'd simply be kind enough to take care of his best friend’s sister, no. Having another person to take care of under his wing was just going to strain him.

So, perhaps, he didn’t lie at the part when he called Vanya a burden. It was one of those truths he was scared to say out loud.

So, he kept his mouth shut, slowly uncoiled his fingers from her arm and ultimately dropped his hand. When Vanya saw this, the look of betrayal was all over her face. She was expecting Levi to at least deny her words, fight back, redeem himself, reassure her that no, she wasn’t a burden to him at all even if it meant lying to her face again.

Because honestly, right now, as much as she hated being lied to, Vanya would rather be kissed by a lie than be slapped by the harsh reality that indeed, her existence was a burden to Levi’s life.

His lack of response was enough to send her to the door as she walked out while slamming the door shut behind her, the force rattling the building.

Never had Levi felt so much hate for himself that the first thing he looked for was to feel pain.

And so, he started kicking at the nearest chair with so much brute while he bellowed guttural and aggravated noises. It took three kicks until the wooden chair was nothing more than broken shards of wood. But still, he continued as he kicked and stomped onto the pieces, crying out curses, and wishing he could turn back time.

Levi didn’t stop kicking even when Furlan and Isabel had already barged into the door and frantically held him into place. He kicked, and kicked, and lashed at the air, drowning out Isabel’s small cries and Furlan’s yells.

He ignored everything, wanting to feel more pain because nothing was more agonizing than the sight of the woman he held dearest walking out on him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mama? I’m home!”

Vanya opened the door to her house with a heart so heavy, she felt the exhaustion starting to permeate through every fibre of her being. One thing’s for sure: she wanted sleep. There’s nothing more she ever craved in the world right now than just curling into her shabby and worn down mattress and escaping into her dreams, where she will be far away from all the hurt she was bearing in her chest.

There were no candles lit in the house; the darkness casted its shadows into the space. The living room was in the same condition just how she left it that afternoon: her medical equipment messily sprawled onto the table but its placements were exactly where they should be and the stacks of empty crates occupied all the corners of the room. Their kitchen counter had a display of all sorts of herbs: some exotic, some flowery and pretty, and some she wouldn’t dare to touch without a mask on because of its pungent aroma.

It was quiet, too quiet. There was no one in the living room nor in the kitchen which meant that the only person Vanya was looking for must be in their bedroom. But still, there was something about the atmosphere that seemed ghostly.

“Mama?” Vanya’s voice sounded more urgent as she plodded to the door of Lily’s bedroom.

She knocked three times like she always did and she’d always be greeted by the gentle holler of her mother’s voice coming from the other side of the door. But this time, there was no reply.

Vanya turned the knob a bit too frantically and saw the same view she’d always see whenever she entered Lily’s room. Her mother laid soundlessly on her bed and under an ambience so heavy and gloomy. The rising and falling of her chest as she softly snored was too slack to be a normal way of breathing that it was already concerning. Too concerning. So Vanya trudged to the side of her mother’s bed and knelt down to have a closer look at her sickly state.

The younger woman wanted to cry at the sight.

When did her mother look so old at the age of 45? Her face was now carved with wrinkles across her forehead and cheeks. Her complexion that once had its graceful glow was now lackluster as the dying color of her red hair. Her lips were dry, chapped, and Vanya swore she could catch a tinge of blue on it even under the dark.

If it weren’t for the staggered rise and fall of Lily’s chest as she peacefully rested, Vanya would have mistaken her for a corpse.

“M-mama?” her voice broke out. She was sure her mother didn’t look as shriveled as this when she had left the house a few hours ago.

No response. Vanya began to lay a hand on Lily’s shoulder that was so thin, her hands dug into the hardness of her bones.

“Mama, wake up… please.”

Her voice was more desperate now as tears started to well up out of nowhere.

“Mama, just -- please, wake up,” Vanya started to feel her eyes watering and her vision started to get blurry.

Lily was still breathing but Vanya was no longer sure if it was indicative of the angel of death choosing to spare her for a bit longer.

“Mama, I swear to God -- “

Vanya saw the lids of her mother moving until Lily tediously peeled her weary eyes open. The daughter had never felt so relieved as she started sucking her tears back in, not wanting to worry her mother any further.

“Dear, what’s wrong?” Lily’s voice cracked hoarsely as she hazily looked at her. “Why are you crying?”

“N-no, I’m not!” Vanya shook her head aggressively while she tried her best to sniff the tears away. “Allergies, it’s that time of the year. Anyway, how are you? I’m sorry I had to wake you up.”

A fragile smile appeared on Lily’s face. “Not to worry, my child. I had quite a dream, actually.”

“Oh? What did you dream about?”

“I saw Cedric and your father.”

Her heart twisted like their names were a gunshot to the chest. Vanya hid her bitter reaction with a forced laugh. “Really? Did they tell you when they’re finally coming home?”

“No…” Lily’s eyes started to grow distant. “It seemed like… they were taking me somewhere.”

“To where?”

The smile on her mother’s face was more relaxed now like the weight of the world was finally lifted from her shoulders.

“To the light.”

Cold.

The atmosphere seemed to fall and suddenly, the room began to feel so small but big enough for Vanya to feel the depths of her loneliness gradually rising.

“Jeez, mama. Don’t say things like that.” It took all her strength to cough those words. “Maybe you just miss them. Dreams have a weird way of showing us our unconscious, after all.”

Lily dropped her gaze. “Maybe.”

“How about I heat you up some soup? You must be starving,” Vanya was about to stand but Lily’s bony hand held hers to stop her from moving.

“N-no, just… just stay with me, would you?”

Oddly enough, she said those words hastily. Lily’s eyes begged as if she was in some sort of a hurry. Her hand that was holding her daughter’s was trembling that Vanya took this as a sign that she couldn’t refuse.

“Okay,” she said incredulously, leaning closer to her mother this time. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

Lily shook her head with tight lips. “No, I just want you by my side.”

Her tone was poignant and rueful, swaying at every word into her daughter’s ears.

“Okay,” Vanya whispered, not liking the way the older woman sounded. “I’ll stay.”

The mother looked content as she relaxed further into her bed while staring at her daughter with tender and listening eyes. “Tell me, dear, how was your day?”

Moments like this were the ones Vanya would always cherish in her heart. There was nothing much lovelier than ending her days exchanging anecdotes with her mother. Lily would always ask about her day, sparking her jovial and chatty daughter into recounting all the rambunctious ventures during Vanya’s time with the gang. Lily would listen to her daughter babble all day no matter what topic it was, from stories of how she proudly took part in a heist and down to simple moments like how Vanya fed a stray cat on her way home. The mother never judged her daughter -- even her last resort choice of joining a notorious gang. She would always listen genuinely and regard her decisions with support because that’s how much she trusted and loved Vanya.

Though there were times the girl could be too impulsive and impractical, there was nothing that pockets of Lily’s trusty wisdom cannot fix. The woman would always know the right words to say and the words her daughter would want to hear, doing away with all Vanya’s dilemmas.

But this time, Vanya found it difficult to answer her mother’s usual question.

How was her day?

Her best friend’s voice pounded in her head like a migraine.

_“Shit -- just… fuck! Shit, you’re always making things so fucking damn difficult for us, Vanya -- why do you have to be such a fucking burden to us?!”_

“It was fine.”

Vanya bit her lip and avoided her mother’s gaze. But when it came to hiding her emotions, the younger woman knew that she was powerless when it came to fooling her own mother.

“Have you two been fighting again?” Lily sounded more amused than concerned.

Vanya weakly nodded. “It was different this time,” she murmured as her heart clinched. “Mama, can I ask you something?”

“What is it?”

“Do you think I’m a burden?”

The tender and soft smile on her mother’s face widened while her eyes glistened bemusedly.

“Yes.”

Vanya shot her eyes back up again, looking so shocked and appalled at her answer. Vanya was even more perplexed at the pleasant look on Lily’s face.

“Oh… is that so?” The younger redhead wasn’t sure if she should take offense.

“Yes, dear, you are. A big one at that, if I may say,” Lily’s weak chuckle was gravelly before she started sputtering a raspy cough. “But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing.”

Vanya’s face puckered in confusion but her mother continued, “Let me guess, did Levi call you a burden?”

At the mention of his name, Vanya wanted to fall apart. “Yes, he did.”

Lily casually replied, “He’s not wrong.”

“I don’t understand.” The creases between Vanya’s eyebrows deepened. “So you’re agreeing with him? That I’m just a huge, annoying, and toxic burden in everyone’s lives?”

“Tell me, Vanya,” the mother inquisitively bade. “Do you think I’m a burden?”

“No! Never!”

“My dear, that’s just what you want to hear yourself say,” Lily graciously said. “Think it through carefully and honestly.”

“What do you want me to say? That I find you a burden?” Vanya snapped grittily, her voice cracking because she was lost where this conversation was leading to.

“But, isn’t that the truth?”

Vanya breathed heavily and closed her eyes for a moment. It was indeed the truth. No matter how many times she hated admitting it, he couldn’t deny the number of times she bitterly wished that her mother didn’t contract the curse of bone failure.

Due to Lily’s condition, Vanya had to go through hell. The medic had to abandon her duties in following her mother’s footstep as a midwife; she barely ate just so her mother could have bigger portions of food; all the money she gained from the gang’s heists would all just be gone as soon as she received it because she would spend it right away in finding the right medicine. She would endure sleepless nights brewing a cure with whatever she had (hence, the mess in their kitchen), only to render her mother weaker every time she ingested her daughter’s medicine. Vanya was hustling night and day fulfilling sketchy tasks for the gang but was also torn, knowing that she had to keep her eyes on her mother 24/7. She was either everywhere or missing. A tormenting pull from opposing forces she had to experience, making her mother right about one thing -- that Lily was indeed a burden.

“Ok, fine. So what if it’s the truth? What matters is you’re a burden I’d be willing to carry,” Vanya huffed.

“Exactly,” Lily almost beamed as if she finally got the answer she wanted to hear from her daughter. “With love comes the burden you have to bear.”

The younger woman blinked, her mother’s heartfelt words sinking into her senses.

“You see, my dear, when someone finds you a burden, it means there was one point in their life that they chose to accept every wonderful and ugly thing about you. And not everyone gets to have that ‘someone’ in their lives. The fact that you’re someone’s burden just means that someone out there is willing to accept the weight and sacrifice everything for you -- that someone out there loves you.”

_That someone out there loves you._

The fruition of the message started becoming clear. Vanya felt the overwhelming gust of bewilderment before the feeling of fear started seeping in.

“But what if…” Vanya stammered. “What if that ‘someone’ suddenly chose to give up because I was simply too much to bear?”

At this point, she found it quite pointless to say ‘someone’ when they both already knew who they were actually referring to.

The smile on Lily’s face, though ashen, was filled with so much warmth and solitude.

“My dear, love never gives up.”

Vanya watched her mother’s eyes starting to droop as the fatigue started flowing into her failing system. Her words hung in the air, causing a shift in the room’s aura from a gloomy one to a peaceful ambiance where Vanya felt safe. And scared.

Because the thought of love suddenly became too scary and too complex to grasp.

“Are you tired?” the daughter asked at the sight of her mother’s heavy eyes.

Lily only nodded despondently. Vanya stood up, ready to leave her be. “Okay, I’ll let you rest --”

“No, please,” Lily’s voice cracked like a glass tempting to shatter. “Stay with me for a bit longer.”

The light outside the window dimmed and a silhouette of a black bird swiftly passed. They heard the familiar caw of a crow resonating in the night and Vanya instantly knew she had to stay.

She knelt back down by her mother’s side and whispered too softly, “I’ll stay for as long as you want.”

Vanya held Lily’s frail and cold hand tightly, wanting to pump the warmth of her palms into her mother’s with desperation.

“Levi won’t give up on you.”

The daughter clutched at Lily’s every word like Vanya was chasing after a wind she knew it was impossible to touch as her mother started drifting into her tiredness.

“We never know,” was what Vanya only said.

Lily’s lips curled ghostly. “ _Love knows_ ,” she said as she mustered all her strength to squeeze her daughter’s hand. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

Vanya squeezed back as her body started shaking at the tone of Lily’s voice.

“Of course, Mama. I would never give up on you.”

Lily’s eyes started to steadily fall as she whispered words, prayer-like, “I love you. I’m so proud and lucky to have you.”

Her eyes finally closed as she breathed deeply but she didn’t let go of her daughter’s trembling hands yet.

“I love you, too, Mama.”

At the sound of her daughter’s voice, Lily sighed in blissful content and finally let go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The raven haired man was still wide awake when he heard the pad of someone weakly knocking at their front door at midnight. Levi was at the living room, sitting idly by the sofa as he absentmindedly wiped his already glossy and spotless knife -- his peculiar way of fidgeting to cope with the insurmountable thoughts that were invading his head that he wanted to hit head just to shut those inner voices up.

The soft knocks resonated in the hideout as it was already night time, and there was barely anyone in the living room. Furlan and Isabel had long gone to sleep in their rooms while Levi chose to stay for reasons he was too exhausted and ashamed to express.

He was confused; who would be visiting the hideout at this time? He jerked with alertness and vigilance as he gripped tightly the knife he was polishing for hours. Levi watched the door for a moment, expecting some sort of intrusion that could possibly burst in any second.

But there was none. The outsider knocked again, but even weaker this time.

Levi warily stood up and slinked towards the door with the knife ready behind him. When he held the doorknob, he heaved a breath, counted to three, and pulled the door open.

His heart stopped at the sight before him.

“Vanya?”

The woman’s face was downcast and it was impossible for him to make out her expression as her long red hair shrouded it. Vanya stood still, not even moving an inch at the doorstep under the cold and winding nocturnal ambiance. The wind continued to billow, sweeping her hair until it revealed her face so pale, empty, and dull.

“Vanya, are you okay?” Levi whispered, thinking that raising his volume would only scare her away just like the last time he did.

Vanya finally looked up and met his eyes. Her gaze looked clouded and dazed, horrified and traumatized.

“My mama.”

The wind whistled louder as the hands on Levi’s sides were dying to hold her.

“She’s gone.”

The night grew colder to match the icy glaze in Vanya’s dry and sunken eyes. She was too calm and still as if her own monotonous words hadn’t registered into her consciousness yet. She didn’t even look like she cried. But Levi knew that feeling so well. The feeling of an indescribable shock that would follow when you witness someone passing away. That familiar abrupt sensation that would render you powerless and empty like nothing mattered anymore. You can’t move, speak, cry nor feel. He knew that all too well.

So Levi raised his arms, unsure and awkward, but open and inviting. “Come here.”

Vanya stared at his arms, blinking at it like it was a bizarre species.

Levi scowled at her lack of response, “Tsk, you’re gonna get cold, brat.”

He suddenly pulled her petite figure into a tight embrace that felt too odd at first at the way their bodies bumped against each other too hard. But as the seconds passed with Levi not letting his arms around her go, Vanya finally caved in and snaked her own arms around his waist. She felt one of his hands pressing her head gently on the side of his neck like a subtle signal to say, _“It’s okay. You can lean on me.”_

Vanya’s face fit snugly into the curve of his neck and she breathed in his scent, cedarwood and musk, while Levi took in her lavender fragrance. And it felt right like home. The way their bodies fit with each other felt like two lost and broken souls searching the cosmos for one another, star by star, and until finally finding each other along the constellations.

_“Levi won’t give up on you.”_

And Lily was right; there was nothing that her mother’s pockets of trusty wisdom cannot fix.

Because as Levi embraced the woman he held dearest to his heart, he was absolutely certain that his hands will always be open and inviting to accept the burden of Vanya and carry her through it no matter how draining it takes.

How did he know that? He had no idea.

But there’s one thing for sure.

Love knows. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, by far, the heaviest chapter I've written. Wow, I really like hurting myself with angst. This took so many nights to write because I needed to breathe at how a lot was going on in this chapter. But honestly, my favorite part would be Furlan and Vanya having to suffer through Isabel doing addition AHAHAAHAHA. Originally, there wasn't supposed to be an intense argument scene between Vanya and Levi. My initial plan was just going to be a harmless bicker because they just never stop acting like kids lmao. But as I was writing their conversation and visualizing the flow in my head, it felt more natural when the flow of the convo started intensifying until one of them finally snaps. If you haven't noticed, I like incorporating messages, feelings and truths we, human, are scared to admit out loud. Selfishness, loss, pain and whatnot. And it takes a lot of guts to be able to admit that the person you love can be a bit too overbearing at times. That's why Levi couldn't say anything to hold Vanya out from walking out on him. Because it's the truth and the truth would only hurt her. But when you find someone overbearing, I believe it's valid. It's not cruel to think that. What matters is your choice if you choose to stay, which was discussed in the convo between Vanya and her mom. I'd like to think of Lily as the wise old woman. Very deep, and loving. I hope you like her as much as I did! 
> 
> LOL SORRY FOR RAMBLING HAHAHA ANYWAYS Have you guys watched season 4? I have and omggggggg I'm so pumped. I haven't read the manga so I have no idea what's about to come down but knowing Isayama, I'm sure ALOT WILL GO DOWN HAHAHA. 
> 
> And thank you so much for the votes and comments! I finally reached 1000 hits and this means so so much to me. Thank you for all the sweet messages and feedbacks, it brings me so much joy how a story that I just imagined all in my head touched you. I love you all!
> 
> Till the next chapter!!
> 
> Frankie xo


	16. Life in the Underground, Part 9: Three Lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the chapter wherein you're supposed to play "So ist es immer" (the OST of No Regrets OVA) on loop while you're reading this.

**_Year 844_ **

****

****

In the weeks that followed after the death of her mother, Vanya learned three lessons.

  1. **_Grief absolutely sucks._**




The simplest way she could describe it is through the classic debate of whether you view a glass of water as half-full or half-empty. If you would ask Vanya what she sees, she would say ‘neither’. Because the glass that she visualizes in her head will always be empty. Even when you politely offer to pour her water, no matter what source it came from, be it from the streams of freshwater from the alps or from the rainwater that underwent a tedious process of distillation right after a rainstorm -- empty.

Vanya didn’t care where the water came from; what mattered was _who_ was holding the pitcher.

And she realized that the glass would always be empty unless it was her mother pouring her a glass like she always would during Sunday mornings at the table, just in time for breakfast. Mineral-rich water, saltwater, fresh orange juice, or tea, whatever Lily offered, Vanya would take it. As long as it was her mother. Even if Lily would only pour a quarter or even just a drop, Vanya would always view her cup as “full” because the radiant and kind smile that came with her mother’s gesture would always be there to make her world complete.

Now, her world was barren and unquenchable. Everything felt so empty but so heavy from the void that was taking up so much space inside of her. There were some days when the world got too loud and overwhelming that she had to cover her ears from the screeching buzzes. The crickets in the night rang livelier, the small sounds as simple as the doors shutting would make her jump, and the inner devilish voices in her head grew more incessant as it screamed, “if only you were smart enough to find a cure then maybe you would have saved her”.

But most days, her world was still, and muffled, as if she was submerged underwater. Everything was dim due to the refracted light and everything just felt hazy, numb and quiet as she succumbed into the abysmal depth of her loneliness.

She found it difficult to hear things clearly. Whenever Furlan would coax her to eat her food, she wouldn’t understand a word because it felt like his voice was drowning. Even Isabel’s high-pitched persistent pesters, she couldn’t make out. Thus, Vanya struggled through the slow motions of her days reading people’s lips, nodding and pretending she understood when deep down she didn’t.

And who knew grief could make you feel a ton of paradoxes? Vanya felt like she was trapped in a silent but lethal game of tug-of-war -- she’d feel everything and nothing. She didn’t need anyone, but everyone, and then some. She wanted to scream and hit her head but sometimes she’d rather mewl and cower in her bed. She wanted Furlan, Isabel, and Levi with her but most times, the sight of them would just exhaust the hell out of her.

All these opposites colliding against each other made it difficult for her to breathe but she welcomed it simply because she didn’t have a choice -- when grief knocked at her door, they just barged in and wreaked havoc all over the place.

So, yes, grief did suck. She couldn’t sleep, eat, talk, nor take a bath for her dear life. It sucked so bad that her three best friends thought it would be best that Vanya stayed at the hideout for the time being, instead of being cooped up in her trashy and gloomy home where her mother took her last breath.

And staying at the hideout for weeks through her grieving process helped Vanya gain a knowledge she didn’t need _at all_. But nonetheless, she took it, making it her lesson number 2.

  1. **_The footsteps of her three bestfriends all sounded uniquely from each other._**




Ever since Vanya moved to the tiny guest room of the hideout, she never stepped out of the door, not even once. Her body and all its functions seemed to have given up on her, forcing her to stay in bed and letting fatigue wash over.

Her typical set-up on her uncomfortable, stiff and frayed mattress went like this: she must always have her mother’s shawl around her neck at all times. As Vanya curled under her blanket, she would snuggle further into the weaves of her mother’s knitting, and greedily sniff in whatever’s left of her home-like scent while she imagined the ghost of her mother’s arms wrapped around her.

Another thing was that she had to face away from the door. Had to. Because she’d rather have her whole body face the wall than watch the person assigned that day to bring her food walk in with pitiful eyes. And she didn’t want pity eyes. She hated pity parties.

So, in moments when she pretended to sleep as she stared blankly at the wall, she’d hear the door creaking open behind her and someone walking in to signify that food had arrived and she needed to eat (not for her nonexistent hunger but for her worried friends). And from there, Vanya discovered that apparently Furlan, Isabel, Levi took turns everyday when it came to delivering her meals that would only grow cold.

But since Vanya was too ashamed and numb to see whose face entered the room on a particular day, she had only one way of knowing which is which: their footsteps.

And each set of footsteps that corresponded to each friend was all surprisingly unique that it actually matched the owner’s personality.

For example, Isabel’s footsteps were loud and scurrying that matched her child-like, and carefree persona. Like she purposely wanted to make her presence known to the woman mourning at the dark corner of the room.

Right after Vanya would hear the plate of food being clunkily placed by the nightstand, Isabel would suddenly bounce onto the bed beside her, curl her arms around Vanya and spoon her from behind like a clingy child yearning for her mother’s attention. Though Vanya remained unmoving, she allowed herself to be cuddled by the energetic young girl as she couldn’t bring herself to push her away.

The first time Isabel did that out of nowhere, it felt so strange, awkward and uncomfortable that Vanya was so close to snapping at her because all she wanted was to be _alone_. She wanted to wallow and tread in the shadows of her loss on her own but Isabel’s mere presence brought so much light into the room that was so blinding, it felt like her aura was scorching Vanya’s skin.

But Vanya didn’t have the energy to say no to her, and chose to remain stiff under her hug. As the days passed with Isabel doing the same gesture every time she was assigned to bring the food, the grieving woman eventually loosened, and even scooched her back closer to Isabel’s chest, making the latter respond happily by hugging the older woman tighter.

Because the moment Vanya learned to accept Isabel’s hugs, she also learned that even if life would never be the same anymore, she will never be alone. Though nothing could ever replace her mother’s tender hugs, Isabel would always be there to engulf Vanya into her shining light whenever she needed it.

On the other hand, Furlan’s footsteps were slow and heavy but steady and relaxed. Tamed, and comforting -- that was who he was.

Whenever it was his turn to bring the food, he would gently place the plate down and instead of lying down just like what Isabel would do, Furlan would only sit on the vacant side of the bed. In contrast to Isabel’s surprising and somewhat pestering cuddles, Furlan was more gentle. Vanya would feel his fingers combing through her hair and caress her head, massaging it and appeasing the devilish voices in her head.

She would _almost_ turn around to face him and move closer whenever he would do that. But she wouldn’t; she could only sigh in the comfort of his feathery touch and pray to the heavens that it was enough for her to fall asleep.

And sometimes, Furlan would tell her stories or anecdotes about what happened during the weeks when she was cooped up in her room. She would never reply but the man knew that she was always listening.

“I think Isabel is getting a hang of the multiplication table. I _think_. She can reach multiples of 5 but honestly, I think she has a cheat sheet somewhere.”

“Levi was able to steal some beef from the merchants who came down from the surface and shit, I think I nearly died at how good it tasted. I brought some on this plate for you.”

“Luis finally gave up on the opium, would you believe that?”

“The hideout really gets a bit too quiet without you. I never knew there would come a day when I would wish to hear you and Levi bickering again.”

And if there’s one thing Vanya learned from Furlan’s patient and tender gesture, it was the reminder that the world would never rush her to get better. Though it wouldn’t slow down just for her to keep up with the overwhelming motions of life, the universe would never pressure her to get through the pain as fast as she could. What she could only do for now was to be patient, and to allow herself to savor in the hurt, pain, frustration, and loneliness. And her best friends would willingly wait for her to step out of her shell, no matter how long it took.

And lastly, there was Levi.

One intriguing thing about his footsteps was that Vanya could barely hear it. But if she willed herself to really keep her ears tuned in, she’d know that the man’s footsteps were light as a cat’s: careful, succinct and calculated. If it weren’t for his shadow that gave her a clue of the person’s small height and spiky hair, she wouldn’t have known that it was Levi.

The next thing she would hear after Levi would place her food down (a movement that was also soundless) was the scraping sound of a chair being pulled to the side of her bed. Vanya would then hear him sit on the chair, and that was basically it.

No holding like Isabel’s, nor small one-sided talks like Furlan’s. Vanya would only feel his intense stare burning at her back, creating so much tension in the room. Neither the two of them would move a muscle nor speak a word. It was just pure silence.

It killed the woman to know what he was doing. So many times she was tempted to crane her head and get a glimpse of him. She wondered what kind of gaze Levi was giving her. Was it pity? Annoyed? Worried? Empty? Or maybe he wasn’t staring. Perhaps he was doing his habit of polishing his knife, or deep in his thoughts wondering what could he possibly do to convince the poor woman to take a bath, knowing how fussy he was with hygiene.

She didn’t dare look back because his face also reminded her of Lily. After all, her last conversation with her mother was about him. _Levi would never give up on you._

But as weeks passed of being a living corpse in that room, Vanya finally decided to turn around one day during Levi’s shift and give in to her aching curiosity.

As she turned her body to face the direction of the door for the first time, Vanya finally saw what he had been doing for weeks.

No wonder he didn’t make a single sound.

The man was sleeping. On the chair.

Vanya felt so stupid. Of course, he had to be sleeping. What else could he be doing that didn’t involve making much sound?

She forced her weak body to sit up, groaning in the process due to being physically inactive for so long and scooted closer to his sleeping figure sitting on the chair.

Levi looked… soft.

He had his arms crossed and his neck was bent to the side that Vanya had absolutely no idea how he was able to fall asleep in such an uncomfortable position. But never had Vanya seen Levi look so tranquil in such a long time.

She leaned closer while supporting herself so she wouldn’t fall off clumsily off the bed and wake him up. His breathing was quiet and steady and his face had never looked so calm and fragile. Vanya could see the dark shadows on his under eyes, adorned with his long eyelashes and yet he looked so young. As young as the first time they laid their eyes on each other that night when she was eavesdropping on her brother. Levi was only 18 that time and six years later, he didn’t look much different the more Vanya stared at his sleeping face.

 _This man never ages_ … She weakly smiled to herself, not knowing that it was the first time she smiled ever since her mother passed away.

Feeling uncomfortable for how he was sleeping on his chair, Vanya decided to wake him up.

“Levi…” she said hoarsely after weeks of not speaking.

Her voice was too wispy that he didn’t even budge. She placed her hand gently on his lap and tried again this time, “Levi, wake up…”

Instantly, Levi’s eyes slowly fluttered open, looking foggy and confused. The moment he saw Vanya staring at him, he had to blink a few times, not processing right away that his best friend was _actually_ staring at him while her hand was on his lap. He instantly sat up straight in a flash like he was electrified.

After weeks of staring at her body facing the wall, weeks of longing to see her face again, and weeks of yearning for that day to come when she would finally look at him again with those bright green eyes, Levi finally had his wish.

“Hi…” she whispered, unsure what to exactly say.

Levi paused momentarily before replying, “Hey…”

After that, they both stared at each other for what seemed like forever. The silence resounding between them felt so awkward, it was gnawing on Levi. He suddenly felt so pressured to do something the more her dead eyes bored into his, waiting for him. Should he say something? Hold her hand? Tell her that things will be okay even if it was just a bullshit thing to say? Admit to her that, _God,_ he actually missed her _?_

But the only thing that came out of his mouth was:

“You look like shit.”

Never had Levi felt the urge to punch himself so bad.

To be fair, Vanya _did_ look like shit. She had gone even paler, way paler than him. Her cheekbones were more hollow than ever and her eyebags did not only look dark but also purple with hints of blue, like a bruise. Her lips were dry and chapped, her shoulders so thin that the bones were evidently protruding through the fabric of her loose sweater and her hair, losing its natural fiery shade, was shedding all over the pillow. Plus, she also _smelled_ like shit.

Grief really didn’t suit her at all.

But Levi couldn’t blame Vanya. He was pretty sure he, too, looked exactly the same when he watched his mother’s lifeless body for days when he was no more than a child. Skin and bones. Sunken eyes. Looking as dead as his mother’s corpse.

“Do I?” Vanya tilted her head in amusement while tucking her hair behind her ear -- the tiny movement catching the man off guard for a second. “Were you always sleeping on that chair every time you bring the food?”

Levi thought about the question because he also wondered the same thing. Usually, he would just watch her small and curled body facing away from him as she pretended she was asleep when he knew damn too well that she was wide awake. Next thing he knew, he’d find himself waking up out of nowhere with a dull pain in his neck for being bent for hours.

“I guess so,” he shrugged.

Vanya frowned. “That’s not good. Not good for the back.”

Levi instinctively straightened his posture, and the medic was right. His back started throbbing sorely.

“You should go to bed.” It was funny how Vanya sounded so concerned for him when her state was the thing that she should actually be more concerned about.

Levi glanced at the untouched plate of food he had brought in earlier. “You haven’t touched your dinner yet.”

Vanya followed his gaze, eyeing the slices of stale bread and the small bowl of soup. As usual, she didn’t feel so hungry but she would still eat them anyway so as to not worry her friends any further.

“Oh.”

“I’m not leaving until you eat. I don’t want to see even a single crumb on that plate once you’re finished.”

Vanya gave him a look for a moment before reaching for the tray of food and gingerly placing it on her lap. “Okay, then stay,” she said nonchalantly as she munched on her bread.

Levi looked at her suspiciously for how responsive and behaved she was acting. “Okay, I will,” he replied like he was accepting a challenge.

After she swallowed her food, she asked, “Have you eaten?”

The man recounted his steps and the things he did before he entered Vanya’s room, only to realize that eating supper was not one of them.

“No.”

Then, Vanya grabbed the extra slice of bread and handed it to him. “Here, have this.”

Levi only eyed the bread with disdain but Vanya was definitely not having it.

“Come on, it’s less lonely when you’re sharing a meal with someone.”

The man looked up upon noticing the poignant depth in the way she had said it. Although her eyes looked so dead, Vanya still looked at him with the same kindness and affection he was used to seeing.

“Okay.”

Levi took the bread even if he wasn’t hungry. If it meant taking away a fragment of her loneliness to see even just a fraction of her smile again, then he would do it a million times.

And so, in the darkness of that tiny guest room, the two young adults sat in front of each other in silence with only the sounds of them chewing the bread to fill the vacancy.

“Thank you for staying, Levi,” Vanya mumbled in between the crunching noises.

Levi didn’t say anything and focused on his bread. But the reflection of fondness in his eyes spoke enough.

Behind the slice she was nibbling on, Vanya’s lips ever so slightly curled, almost smiling.

You see, grief did suck. It really did. But if there’s anything Vanya learned from Levi that night, it’s that grief didn’t have to suck all the time. Sometimes, grief would bring you simple and mundane moments that would actually bring little sparks of hope.

And for Vanya, that spark of hope was sharing a meal with the person she was slowly falling in love with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We have to get her to a hospital on the surface as soon as we can.”

“I don’t get it, she is walking just fine.”

“Tsk, think, Furlan, think. Do you seriously want to wait for the day she starts limping? She’s already showing signs, she needs the treatment now before it happens.”

“But bro, even if we want to, we can’t.”

“She’s right. We don’t have enough funds, and the recent price hike in stairwell passes is shit crazy. Those bastards just won’t stop fishing for money. And not to mention, you also have hospital bills to worry about.”

“For fuck’s sake, am I the only one here who gives a shit about Vanya?”

“Bro, please calm down. We care about her as much as you do.”

“Then we have to take her to the top now! Are we just going to forget how her mother died? Do you want the same thing to happen to her?”

“Levi, just -- just think this through. Our funds right now won’t even last us a week. By then, we’ll be starving again, it would be a miracle if someone offers us a job.”

“I just -- shit…fucking shit… why do we have to live this life?”

Vanya stepped away from the door and the paper thin walls right after listening to the conversation outside. She was too mentally exhausted to process what she had just heard but she couldn’t ignore the guilt in her chest that was weighing her down.

She looked down at her feet with a grim expression, knowing all too well that Levi was right. Soon, the day will come when she will lose her ability to walk and once that happens, the clock counting down her remaining days in the land of the living will have started ticking.

Yet, Vanya knew there was still a way to slow down her clock. However, it would entail a huge price. If only they could all earn a spot on the surface and get her admitted into a first rate hospital, then she could still be cured from her curse.

But sadly, they could only hope -- just like every person who died in the Underground before they could even see the light of day from above.

If that’s the case, then _screw it_. If she was going to be disabled anytime soon, then might as well live her life to the fullest while she could still stand on both feet. And locking herself into the gloomy void of her room as she mourned wouldn’t help her at all. She needed to not just live but feel _alive._

And so, she took a deep breath, held her chin up, and pulled the door open to walk out of her room for the first time in a month.

All three heads turned to her direction, flabbergasted at the sight of their best friend’s face no longer hidden at the dark corner of her room. They all took in her disheveled and grief-struck state, from her dull hair to her baggy clothes that didn’t seem so successful in hiding her skinny figure.

“Sis!” Isabel was the first to react as she dashed to her and pulled her into a hug. “Are you better now?”

 _No_.

“I think so,” she lied with a tight smile, hesitantly hugging back.

Over Isabel’s shoulder, Vanya saw Furlan’s relieved expression and as usual, Levi’s was unreadable. When she pulled away from the younger girl, she all faced them with timid eyes. “Can we do something today?”

“S-sure! Anything, whatever it is, name it,” Furlan perked up, ready to give anything to her.

Vanya closed her eyes briefly before she voiced out her request.

“Let’s all go out for a walk.”

Furlan, Levi and Isabel eyed her with confusion, clearly not expecting such a meager request after she had deprived herself of different forms of leisure for a month.

“That’s it?” the blonde man asked, skeptic.

“Yeah,” Vanya nodded before looking down at her feet. “I just want to walk around... while I still can…”

The room fell into a forbidding silence. Isabel and Furlan exchanged anxious looks but Levi’s stone cold face didn’t waver. He continuously gazed at Vanya, whose knees were slightly trembling, with his usual indifferent look before he finally spoke up.

“If you want that, then fine. But we’re not letting your filthy ass out until you take a bath. You reek of shit.”

And for the first time since her mother died, Vanya laughed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The four of them (with one of them finally fresh faced from a bath) strolled down the grimy streets with no particular destination in their heads just as how Vanya requested.

Though the Underground city didn’t exactly offer fresh air, Vanya would rather take in the stench of the grubby roads, rotten food, and soiled piss in the streets than the grave ambiance that suffocated her in her own nook back at the hideout. Though living in the Underground was as good as being dead, she had never felt so alive again at that moment when she was walking with her three best friends outside.

They had been strolling around, directionless, for about ten minutes and not one had said a word. It was primarily because they didn’t exactly know what to talk about after not having a decent conversation for a month with one of them suffering a loss. But other than that, it somehow felt nicer and right when they were just basking in the solitude of their stroll. Levi was absentmindedly kicking off the pebbles in their path, Furlan was cracking his fingers and whatever joint he can painlessly pop out of sheer boredom, Isabel was humming a tune she just composed in her head, and Vanya, well, she was just breathing and tuning into the little noises her friends were making.

Furlan and Levi were leading while Isabel and Vanya followed behind. The younger redhead was holding the older’s hand as the former swung their hands playfully during the whole trip. Vanya didn’t mind though, she liked holding hands and the feeling of meeting someone else’s warmth.

The serenity among them stretched on until finally, one of them unsurprisingly broke the silence.

“I’m hungry!” Isabel wailed, continuing to swing both her and Vanya’s arms together.

“You just ate a while ago before we left,” Furlan deadpanned.

Isabel glared. “It’s just a potato, that’s no meal.”

“We can always pass by the market at the plaza,” Vanya piped in.

But Levi didn’t look too pleased at her suggestion. “Tsk, we’re tight on budget. We can’t afford to buy _snack_ s.”

By ‘tight on budget’, he had actually meant ‘we’re saving up so you can get into a hospital, you brat’.

“Actually,” Furlan spoke up while he rummaged through his pocket. “I think we deserve to indulge ourselves once in a while. I still have some extra cash here from the previous heist.”

“Really?! Do you think we can buy some candied apples?” Isabel instantly beamed, ignoring Levi who was now grumbling at the idea.

“Sure, we can,” Vanya ruffled the teenager’s hair with a soft smile. “Let’s go.”

“Or,” Isabel let go of the woman’s hand and eyed all of them mischievously. “We race to the plaza.”

“Race? What are we? 8-year-olds?” the grouchy ravenette scowled.

“Come on, bro, we rarely have fun anymore!” Isabel pouted while she began to slowly jog ahead of them.

While the two men only gave the girl exasperated looks, and thought that quarter life had taken away their ability to “have fun” and run around like rascals, Vanya was thinking the opposite.

Because she told herself that while she could still use her legs, she will live her life to the fullest and run as much as she wanted.

That’s why everyone was utterly surprised when the woman suddenly broke into a sprint as she pushed them aside, hollering competitively at them.

“Last one at the plaza will have to drink sewage water!”

Isabel gasped and followed suit. “You cheat!”

Furlan and Levi looked at each other with wide eyes when the two females ran ahead before the blonde man grinned, “Like hell I’m drinking that shit.” And then he was off at full speed, leaving Levi behind.

“Oh, fuck this,” he groaned before breaking into a sprint. “Oy, you little shits, slow down!”

And as the four best friends ran down the dim streets, shoving recklessly and laughing carelessly at each other, time seemed to slow down.

_Chairs so close and room so small_

_You and I talk all the night long_

_Meagre this space but serves us so well_

_We comrades have stories to tell_

Vanya squealed as she pushed Furlan, who was able to catch up on her, aside. Isabel was screeching, frustrated at third place, while Levi only smirked, purposely at the last just so he could watch the chaotic scene before him.

They were no longer four grown-up people cursed by the universe to survive and steal in their glum, impoverished and corruptive world. No longer the people who grew up begging for scraps, cowering in the alleyways, and learning the way of life in the most brutal way. They were now four little, hopeful souls chasing the night away like innocent kids playing hopscotch, kids pretending to be kings and queens with superpowers, kids teasing each other with lollipop-stained smiles, and kids drawing their big and impossible dreams into the endless skies with big youthful eyes and hearts on their sleeves.

Vanya laughed like there was no tomorrow as she ran and ran with the wind blowing and her red hair flying, feeling infinite and untouchable. She ran, not caring about the ruckus they were making into the cold and silent night, how Furlan almost slipped, the subtle throbs in her joints, how just a month ago she had a mother and now she had no one -- she ran, not caring about anything else in this world but the feeling of the breeze kissing her cheeks, the sound of her best friends howling, the adrenaline in her legs, and the taste of freedom tingling at her senses.

And she didn’t stop running even when the man she was falling in love with was now catching up on her, sprinting at her side.  
  
Levi smirked, boosting with inhumane speed and finally leading ahead of her.

Vanya gasped in disbelief. “Oh, no, you don’t!”

She sucked in her breath, channeling all her strength before she forced her legs to sprint even faster.

“You can’t get away with this!” she shrieked and tried to reach for his vest to pull him down like she did with Furlan when he had tried to surpass her.

But instead of feeling the fabric in her hands, Vanya felt his soft hand grabbing hers.

“If you don’t want your breath smelling like shitwater, then catch up, brat.”

Vanya stared at his eyes glinting with mischief and their hands clasped together. Now that Levi was pulling her with him as they sprinted together, the girl had to poorly keep up with his short yet fast limbs.

“Can you at least slow down!?” she cried out as she evaded a passerby.

Fortunately, the man listened and slightly slowed down his pace for the panting girl. Then, Levi pushed the stack of crates that were blocking their path with his free hand, sending the boxes tumbling over behind them as an obstacle for their two best friends who were gaining speed.

“Oy, Levi!” Furlan yelled out loud, stumbling over the crates in the process with Isabel.

Vanya laughed behind her as she watched her unlucky friends toppling over before turning happily to Levi who was already looking back at her with a captivated expression, as if the sound of her merriment enchanted him.

“Come on, Levi!” the woman grinned, tightening her grip on his.

Even if this infinite moment felt so fleeting, when tomorrow comes, this would all just be a bittersweet memory that they will all look back at as they go back to the depressing future that awaited them. Levi thought that nothing mattered anymore in this world but the euphoria he felt in the presence of the woman he was learning to love.

So, he smiled. The biggest radiant smile he ever did in his life. “Let’s go.”

Together, they dashed, jumped over barricades, laughed at the odd faces judging them, rounded the neighborhood, with Vanya almost tripping but never forgetting that Levi would always be there to catch her.

When the sight of the plaza finally appeared before them, they slowed down until they eventually stopped with Vanya almost collapsing at how much energy she expended. She ignored the ominous pain that was gradually pulsating in her limbs and her chest throbbing so fast in exhaustion.

“Are you okay?” Levi asked who didn’t look like he ran a mile.

Vanya took in the ache in her legs, the burn in her lungs, and the buzz of adrenaline ringing in her body. She _needed_ this. She needed to feel all this to remind herself for the last time what it felt to be human.

“I’ve never felt so alive.”

Suddenly, the sound of loud music filled their ears. The two turned their heads to the center of the plaza where they saw a vibrant celebration lighting up before them. The space was adorned with hanging lanterns to shine its brilliance over the people dancing and singing merrily to a traditional lively folk tune being played by a band of people with guitars, maracas, tambourine, wind instruments, and makeshift drums. There were people _everywhere_. Drunken men swaying to the music, children chasing and jumping around, all men and women, sober or inebriated, gathered in the festive atmosphere that rarely occurred in the doomed city.

Vanya’s face brightened as she watched the synergy of the celebration. She was about to ask what was the celebration all about when Furlan and Isabel finally appeared behind them, panting.

“Woah, what’s all this?” Isabel gawked at the scene, completely forgetting about their race.

“I think they’re celebrating the harvest season on the surface,” Furlan answered while observing the various food stalls that lined the plaza. There were different selections of fresh vegetables and fruits, a rare occurrence in the food-deprived Underground.

“So it’s already spring on top?” Vanya asked, amazed. She never experienced the seasons first-hand and yet she always wondered what the summer sun, the autumn leaves, and spring-fed meadows looked like.

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Well, we can’t just stand here, let’s join the party!” Isabel cried out cheerfully before dragging Furlan and Vanya with both of her hands towards the dance floor.

Vanya then grabbed Levi’s arm, not wanting to leave him behind. “Oh, don’t be a grinch now, it’ll be fun!” she chuckled at his revolted face

“Ugh, fine,” Levi grumbled, not having the choice but to let the woman pull him along.

It was a good thing all four of them were holding hands when they approached the commotion because if they weren’t, they would have been separated right away the moment they stepped onto the dance floor. The joyful crowd was tightly packed and no one seemed to care who they were dancing with, be it their loved ones or random strangers.

When the four had arrived at the center, the beat of the drums and the melody of the bagpipes amplified, making them all instinctively form a circle with their clasped hands and jump along the tune. Their surroundings were so loud that they could no longer hear each other’s voices and laughter, letting the music drown everything else.

It was clear all over Levi’s awkward stature that he wasn’t a fan of dancing. But one look at his circle of friends made him not care anymore. His one hand was on Vanya’s and the other on Isabel’s; Furlan was howling rowdily and Isabel was jumping and moving so fast that their circle was spinning to the point that it made them so dizzy. And though he couldn’t hear Vanya’s laugh and cries of joy in the blaring music, Levi could feel her elation radiating and strumming on his heartstrings.

They cheered, clapped, twirled, and stomped to the rhythm, not minding how the hands they were holding were becoming clammy and their throats beginning to hurt from shouting and singing.

_So ist es immer, like that in the evening time_

_We drink and we sing when our fighting is done_

_So ist es immer, we live under the burnt clouds_

_Ease our burden, long is the night_

It would’ve been the best day of their lives, with the four young souls losing themselves into the music and forgetting their tragic realities.

But it wasn’t -- because that day marked the first time Vanya’s legs finally gave up on her.

Isabel saw it first, she was the one standing across the woman. They were all enjoying the celebration when Isabel caught Vanya’s face slowly contorting in discomfort and her movements slackening.

“What’s the matter?!” the younger girl tried to shout at her but the music was too loud. Even she couldn’t hear her own voice.

Vanya tried shouting back but only muffled words came out. Isabel tried to read her lips but she just couldn’t understand a thing. And then, Vanya’s eyes started to twitch, along with her knees, until it happened.

Out of nowhere, she suddenly collapsed onto the ground, letting go of Levi’s and Furlan’s hands.

Furlan’s first reaction was to laugh -- he thought the woman had just tripped on a rock, knowing how much of a klutz she was wherever she went.

Levi knelt down beside her to help her but froze when he saw her face.

Vanya looked terrified, her eyes were panic-struck and she was hyperventilating.

Levi tried to call out her name but the music muffled it. He leaned closer to her ear and shouted one more time, “Vanya, what’s wrong?!”

She was still on the ground when she tried answering back but Levi didn’t hear anything.

“What did you say?!” Levi shouted again, trying to pull her up but she wouldn’t budge.

And then, he read her lips.

_I can’t stand._

Time must have stopped for him. Suddenly, Levi could no longer hear the music around him and all the color in his face drained.

“Shit… shit… shit…” he cursed in panic as he began to slip one arm under her knees and another arm on her back. He hoisted her up effortlessly and held her small unmoving body to his chest. Vanya no longer said anything else as she hid her face into his neck shamefully.

“Bro, what’s happening?” Isabel cried out.

Furlan, too, did the same. “Is she okay?”

No one was paying attention to them. The people were too drunk or enjoying too much to care about them. When Furlan and Isabel saw Levi’s face looking so horrified, anxious, and scared, they finally got their answer.

Levi never made that look. Ever.

He was never scared of anything. But if there’s one fear Furlan and Isabel could name, it’s the fear of losing Vanya the same way she lost her mother.

“Let’s go home,” Levi said to them bluntly.

When he looked down at her face, his heart broke. She looked petrified, dazed, and numb. She was silent all throughout as they waded through the crowd and left the plaza.

But Levi knew her too well, he could hear all her hopes and dreams shattering the moment he saw how hard she was trying to hold her tears in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Everyone ready?”

Isabel’s voice reverberated against the walls of the cavern. The large opening above them gave them a glimpse of the blue skies and wispy clouds. They all stared at it wistfully like a distant dream that was impossible to reach.

“Yeah!” Furlan said excitedly.

Levi nodded while Vanya weakly smiled from her spot on a boulder with her wooden crutches laid on the sides.

It was one of those days when she could stand and walk with crutches. Some days she could make do with one and there are some days when the pain in her limbs would be too intense that she’d tear up if she forced herself on her feet. But fortunately, today was a good day. The pain wasn’t as intense if it weren’t for her mother’s old crutches.

“Okay, I’ll set it free in three… two… one!”

Isabel threw her arms and opened her hands. The bird she was holding all along fluttered its wings and flew to the exit of the cavern and into the sky where it rightfully belonged. The four of them watched as the creature circled with the clouds until eventually, it disappeared from their sight.

Even if the bird was now gone, they all continued to stare at the opening with longing looks.

“I wonder when will my turn be…” Vanya thought out loud vaguely.

Furlan, Isabel, and Levi curiously switched their gazes to her and saw how she was still looking up with melancholy.

One of them was about to speak up but stopped when Vanya’s eyes started brimming with tears. She harshly bit her lip to stop herself from breaking down but the emotions she had been repressing for months had already built mountains in her heart until finally, it snapped like an avalanche.

It was the first time she cried ever since her mother died. The tears started falling on her cheeks and Vanya thought that was it. But she was wrong, the tears didn’t stop pouring from her eyes and before she knew it, she was sobbing. Her chest felt heavy and her breathing staggered as she cried and cried to the point that she was feeling her head aching.

No, _everything_ ached.

Her head, chest, legs, bones, her lonely heart, _everything_ was hurting so bad that she couldn’t see nor think straight anymore. She just wanted to curl up and let the pain eat her up raw until she couldn’t feel anything anymore.

Vanya felt someone embracing her into their chest and when she opened her eyes, she saw that it was Isabel. Furlan and Levi were now sitting at each of her sides, not knowing what to do. But she didn’t stop. She wailed like a helpless child as she continuously gasped for air only to be choked by her own tears once again.

This wasn’t just a cry from a woman who lost her ability to walk. This was a cry from a woman who just lost _everything_.

Her haunting cries echoed against the rocky walls like a siren calling for help in the fog, sending goosebumps and chills in her friends’ spines.

“I want…” she whispered through her tears.

_I want my Mama. I want Cedric and Papa. I want to walk properly again, run, and dance. I want to heal like that injured bird and fly away. I want to do stupid things without facing the consequences. I want how life used to be easy when we would just carry toys and candies in our pockets instead of guns and knives. I want to smell of flowers and innocence, not the metallic stench of blood and sin. I want a life where we could just be free, where we could live like humans, not encaged animals._

Vanya wanted to say all of that. But all her foggy mind could let her say was:

“I want to go home…”

Her friends all looked at each other with worried and tense eyes.

“Then, let’s go home,” Furlan softly said.

“No -- that’s not…” Vanya angrily said as she roughly wiped her tears that wouldn’t stop pouring. 

They couldn’t understand her, they would never get it yet they should. She was no longer crying in sadness but also in frustration and anger.

Their hideout wasn’t home. Her house where her whole family used to live wasn’t home. Hell, even if she lived with all her loved ones under one roof, it wouldn't be home for her. Because for as long as she continued to live every waking moment to the sight of the cave-like ceilings and the bloodied streets dotted with crippled people, to the traumatizing sounds of gunshots and screams that would wake her up in the middle of the night, and to the wretched feeling of being so powerless, pathetic and poor at the bottom of the social class, _the Underground City will never be a home_.

“I want to go home…” Vanya repeated, more broken this time.

“Wherever that is, we’ll take you there.”

She looked up with bloodshot eyes when she heard Levi saying those words so tender and fragile, she was so sure it was a promise he wouldn’t be able to keep.

_Da die Sterne nicht leben_

_We are stars and we'll beam on our town_

_Schauten wir das Licht selbst an_

_Sing with hope and the fear will be gone_

Vanya took in the devastated faces of her three best friends, one by one. Isabel was already crying, Furlan was grimacing with pensive and grim eyes, and Levi just looked so utterly exhausted and done with everything in the world.

With all the four of them gathered together, sharing in the space of their loneliness and shattered dreams, they knew they all wanted the same thing: a life with no problems.

As Furlan, Isabel and Levi surrounded her, looking as broken as she was, Vanya finally realized her third lesson.

  1. **_Home seems so far-fetched, but that's okay. As long as she's with these three people, there's nothing more she could ever possibly ask for._**




**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fact: I've never lost someone so close to me before, so I have no idea what grief feels like. 
> 
> Before I wrote this chapter, I knew it was going to be heavy since it will tackle grieving. And boy, I made my research. I read articles and essays about people's experiences of grief, I read reddit forums and even interviewed my best friend who lost her grandmother. And then I realized how grief was different in each person. Some would cry, some will just be in shock, and some wouldn't even cry until years later since their loved one died. 
> 
> And as I was writing this chapter, I was playing "So ist es immer", the OST of the No Regrets OVA and then well, I started to fucking cry. I realized how much I was going to miss Furlan and Isabel, I knew that this Underground arc will soon end and I don't think I'm just ready to move on just yet. :(
> 
> But on the bright side, next chapter will feature another one of our favorite characters hehehe. And it may or may not involve a blonde man with thick ass brows ;) 
> 
> Till next chapter!
> 
> Frankie xo


	17. Life in the Underground, Part 10: Yellow, Blue, Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's your first ever Erwin and Vanya interaction as a pre-Christmas treat!!!

**_Year 844_ **

****

“Here, please take this…”

Vanya gently placed an apple on the lap of an old gaunt woman who sat weakly on one corner not far from the market. The woman’s sullen face was muddy and her dull clothes were frayed that it looked like it was a makeshift piece of clothing from a worn down curtain.

The poor woman looked up at the girl whose face looked so kind and compassionate, she felt like she was dreaming. No one had ever shown her goodwill in such a long time.

“Please, eat,” Vanya prodded when she noticed that the old woman wasn’t touching the apple.

Hesitantly, the woman picked up the apple with trembling hands and smiled feebly at her, “Thank you…”

Vanya smiled back and was about to take her leave when she heard the words of the old woman that tingled her skin with goosebumps.

“My child, your time is running.”

The clueless girl furrowed her brows. “Pardon?”

The old woman eyed Vanya from head to toe but her glowering eyes stopped at the redhead’s left hand which was holding a crutch that supported her weak left leg.

“No sooner will you have an unfortunate fate like mine,” the woman’s voice croaked, withering at every syllable like her old age.

For a moment, Vanya stared at her, searching through her gloomy and wrinkled expression for the meaning behind her ominous words. She then scrutinized the woman’s state; just like any other beggar in the city, the woman sat idly against the wall of a cracked building, looking so slack and hopeless. The girl thought the woman was only weak due to starvation and old age but when she caught the sight of her thin, disproportionate, and frail legs peeking under her tattered and dirty clothes, Vanya felt a prick right through her chest.

The woman reminded her of the exact same image of her mother right before she died in front of Vanya. Then, the familiar nauseous feeling started building up once again inside her and rattled her senses. Her insides churned and her lungs began to race along with her heart.

The girl closed her eyes for a split second to breathe and calm her jittery fingers and rampant heart rate; she couldn’t afford to relapse and break down in a public place -- not now.

For days, Vanya had painstakingly trained herself to repress whatever pain that was associated with the death of her mother after weeks of wasting her waking moments crying every night and sometimes vomiting when her emotions got a bit too much.

There was something about the sight of the bird flying free out of the cavern after nursing it for so long that triggered an impetus in Vanya -- an impetus that drove her to never miss a day without breaking down.

Right after that time in the cavern, her three best friends had to endure every single day seeing her succumb into her nest of anguish and depression. And the sad part was, Isabel, Furlan, and Levi didn’t really know how to pull her out from the nest. All they could do was to offer their company, their shoulders to cry on, and their arms for her to take shelter in.

If healing takes time, Vanya was so sure she’d die before it happens.

_Okay, Vanya. Calm down, get a grip, pull yourself together._

When Vanya opened her eyes, the woman was still looking up at her uncannily. Swallowing down all the emotions welling up inside her, she mumbled, “I’m sorry…”

She used every ounce of her draining strength to turn around and drag herself away from the woman with the help of her single crutch. Vanya sighed in relief as she staggered down the streets, already getting a hang of using the crutch like it was now her third leg.

She remembered the first time she tried it and it frustrated her so much that she was so close to throwing the wooden object against the wall. Had Levi not snatch the crutch on time from her, she’d definitely have no means to get to any place at all.

On another note, today was one of those “good” days, if one could even call it. The pain in her legs weren’t as intense as some days when literally she couldn’t bring herself to stand up at all unless she was masochistic enough to torture herself with the excrutiating pain that would course through the entirety of her lower body. Now, though there was still a slight pinch of pain every time she took a step, it was still tolerable.

So, if Vanya had to rate this day based on the color evaluation her best friends had so thoughtfully designed for her, this day was a Yellow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_“Okay, Vanya, let’s settle this.”_

_Furlan plopped down onto the couch beside Vanya who was looking emptily into space and in a trance. She snapped out of her daze when she felt the spot next to her digging down and when she looked at her side, Vanya was met by Furlan’s worried and serious face._

_“Settle what?” she asked airily._

_Furlan released a deep, and nervous breath like he had been practicing what he was about to say for quite some time. “I figured you need a way to properly communicate your feelings and your needs. Like a way of assessing yourself or perhaps a rating. Something that’s not too complicated, something simple and easy for you to grasp and use.”_

_The girl gave him an odd and bewildered look. She turned to her other friends who were not-so-subtly pretending they weren’t tuning into the conversation. Levi was at the dining table as usual, “entertaining” himself with twirling his knife while Isabel was nibbling on a boiled potato, trying to avoid her gaze._

_All three of them suspiciously looked like they had been planning this very moment behind her back for quite a while and now, Furlan was finally revealing it to Vanya who looked so lost and confused._

_“Why?”_

_“Well…” the blonde man said, cautious and careful. “We uhm… we all noticed how you’ve been having a hard time telling us how you feel and we really want to listen and hear you out so that we can help you through this. You’re our family, after all. Your safety and health is really important to us since we know how things for you lately have been really… difficult.”_

_‘Difficult’ was definitely not the most accurate word to condense the torture Vanya was going through emotionally, mentally, and physically. Because when your brother, mother, and father leaves you behind (with one of them dead) in the slums all while you’re now partially disabled, ‘difficult’ would never suffice to describe how devastated she felt. Vanya thought no word could ever possibly encapsulate her situation._

_But when she looked at Furlan’s face who looked so genuine, anxious and very careful with his wording so as to not hurt her, Vanya thought she could let it pass for now._

_“Uhmm… thank you, I appreciate that. Really,” she replied awkwardly. “So, uhhh, what did you say you want me to do again?”_

_“To express yourself in the simplest and easiest way you can.”_

_Vanya frowned and thought how the concept was easier said than done. “I don’t think there’s an easy way to express how I feel.”_

_Her feelings were all over the place, Vanya had meant. She badly wanted to say how her mind was wreaking havoc all over her head -- how her thoughts were turbulent, scattered, and mercilessly clawing at her that she just wanted to hit her head against the wall to shut them up. If she wanted to get rid of those incessant voices, what made her friends think she wanted to confront and voice out those thoughts?_

_Furlan immediately saw the discomfort all over Vanya’s face. “Don’t worry, we’ll help you, alright? We’ll figure this out together, step by step, little by little,” he said with a tone so reassuring and resolute like a man declaring an unbreakable oath._

_Vanya had never wanted to tear up at how someone could ever be so patient, and understanding of her situation._

_“Okay…” she whispered coyly._

_“That’s more like it,” he smiled, satisfied, as he ruffled her hair endearingly like he always would. “Now, you do know about using numbers to rate things right? Like evaluating something from 1 to 10 to describe the intensity of something.”_

_Vanya nodded._

_“Okay so, how about instead of using numbers, we use something else? Like simple verbal signals for you to say so that we have an idea on what we can do to help you in your time of need.”_

_“You’d do that?” the girl blinked in disbelief. “Have I been that overbearing and unpredictable lately?”_

_At the sight of her dropping her head in shame and embarrassment, everyone’s eyes instantly bulged in panic and distress._

_Levi aggressively eyed Furlan, a telepathic message that meant: “_ I told you she’d say that. Now, you better fix it, idiot. _”_

_Because the last thing they all wanted to come out of this conversation was for Vanya to feel bad and think how a nuisance she was to the group. The goal was for her to open up, not loathe herself._

_“No, no, no,” Furlan hurriedly said, lifting Vanya’s despondent face up. “You’re never too much for us, okay? Never.”_

_Vanya grimaced for a moment, not looking too convinced but she eventually gave in. She nodded timidly at Furlan._

_“Good…” he sighed in relief before continuing. “I do think these signals will not only help us know what you need but also for you to learn how to be mindful of your own thoughts and emotions no matter how intense they can be. It might even help in controlling them.”_

_The girl stared at Furlan as she tried to process everything he said and was amazed at how much sense he made. “Yeah, I suppose so. So what signals can I use?”_

_“Something simple that can somehow condense a very intense feeling into a single word.”_

_“Oh! What about Isabel, Furlan, and Levi?” Isabel piped in enthusiastically from the dining table._

_“What? And how do you plan on using our names?” Levi harshly commented._

_“For example, if someone asks me how I am today, I’d say it’s an Isabel kind of day. Some days it’s a Furlan or maybe a Levi.”_

_“I don’t get it,” Furlan scratched his head. “What does our name mean?”_

_Isabel giggled before answering, “Isabel means ‘it’s a good day today’, Furlan would be ‘it’s an okay day’, and Levi means ‘it’s a bad day’ -- sorry, bro, please don’t give me that look!”_

_The ravenette glared with his deadly steel eyes, and clicked his tongue. “That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”_

_Then, they all heard a giggle coming from Vanya, catching them by surprise._

_“I’d use that!” Vanya chimed cheerfully._

_Isabel smiled proudly, knowing how she was able to elicit a laugh from the woman who had been so down and lackluster for the past days._

_“Are you serious?” Furlan asked, not looking too convinced about the idea._

_“I would consider, it’s definitely accurate,” the woman shrugged smugly, catching Levi’s glaring eyes for a moment. “But how about colors?”_

_The blonde man leaned in with a heedful look as he considered her suggestion. “That seems decent. What colors will you use?”_

_Vanya pondered for a moment, recalling all the important colors in her life and how she had associated them with different meanings._

_“How about… Yellow, blue, and red?”_

_“And how do you suppose you’ll use them?” Levi raised an eyebrow curiously._

_“Hmmm…” Vanya thought her words carefully before the idea finally came to her. “Yellow would mean things are... okay, I guess. That doesn’t mean I’m fully well and happy, though. I think it just means I can get through the day just fine. The pain on my legs isn’t that intense so I can stand with one crutch. My mind is clear around that time so I guess my mood is stable. Blue is kinda the one in the middle. I may not want to talk during those times because that’s when the pain on my hips gets a bit too bothersome. It’s those days when I get kinda cranky and sometimes numb but nonetheless, I can still manage.”_

_“What about Red?” Furlan asked when Vanya stopped explaining as if she was done._

_Her expression started dropping into a glum-looking one._

_“You already know…”_

_Red would be when the demons inside her head would wrench and get a hold of her. Red was when she’d lock herself up in her room as she drowned herself in angry, frustrated and wretched floods of her own tears. It’s when the ghost of her mother would be more vivid, and the pain of missing her was tenfold along with the unbearable pain all over Vanya’s lower body that won’t seem to stop aching like a bitch._

_No one wanted a Red day, it was nothing but pain, pain, and pain. Simple as that. It’s those days when Furlan, Isabel and Levi would not know what to do but hold her and shield her from the hurt no matter how useless it was._

_“So what’s your color now, sis?” Isabel asked, wondering._

_Vanya smiled at them and answered without a second thought, “I think it’s a Yellow.”_

_Furlan laid a hand on her small shoulder. “And how can we help you today?”_

_The woman looked at each of their expectant faces and from there, Vanya instantly knew what she needed._

_“For now? Nothing. Just you guys existing in my life is more than enough.”_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It would’ve been Yellow for the rest of her day. But after that encounter with the old disabled woman who reminded her of the grave future she was doomed to have, Vanya’s color signal instantly plunged to a Blue, almost meeting the threshold of Red.

Before that, Vanya woke up that morning without the familiar throb at her hips, unlike yesterday (which was a Red day) when she had to endure the whole day with the nonstop stabbing sensation in her legs, leaving her wailing and groaning for the whole afternoon and the rest of the night. But when Vanya woke up and supported herself with the crutch, she instantly knew the day was going to be a Yellow.

And Yellow kind of days were rare to come by -- even rarer than Red as most of her days were Blue. That’s why Vanya was instantly off her bed with a fresh change of clothes, left a “ _don’t panic, i just went out to get some air, it’s a Yellow day_ ” note for her friends who were out in a heist, pocketed a small knife just in case, and limped her way out of the hideout with her mother’s trustee crutch that she could actually consider as her newfound ‘friend’.

Because Vanya’s motto was: when life gives you Yellow days, you make the most out of it -- even when the consequences are dire (which may or may not involve an infuriated Levi lecturing you about being so reckless).

She took the opportunity to go around the plaza and on the way, Vanya had encountered several people who were limping just like her with the same frustrated and defeated faces.

_Huh… I guess I’m not suffering alone in this._

After buying fruits from the market, that’s when she encountered the old lady and handed her an apple.

And from there, Vanya’s day grew cold from Yellow to Blue as she was lurching her way back to the hideout after that uncanny interaction. She mulled over the words of the woman.

_No sooner will you have an unfortunate fate like mine._

Looking at her decrepit condition, Vanya estimated that the woman only had less than a month until her life met its due. By then, her body will just be any other nameless corpse that littered the streets. It was sickening to admit that Vanya was already desensitized to the sight of dead bodies decomposing on the roads but that’s just the way it was in the slums. You walk by a corpse as if it was just another stain on the wall or a piece of junk -- deprived of its own shred of humanity just like that.

And a few years from now, perhaps there will come a day when a stranger will pass by her dead body in the streets without giving a second look.

Vanya shook her head in hopes to expel those dark thoughts as she focused on finding her way back to the hideout.

When she rounded a corner, she started feeling something off from around her. The air grew colder, and quieter. Her senses started to heighten on instinct, detecting a hint of danger close by.

Vanya whipped her head to look around her but she saw no one; the street was unusually bare and eerie under the poor lighting. But the atmosphere felt too staged. Her heart started to beat faster even when she tried to act nonchalantly as she continued limping forward. The grip around her crutch tightened; if by chance she got mugged, she knew she could always use the wooden stick as a weapon, other than the knife hidden in her pocket.

The more steps she took, the dread of danger lurking in the corners intensified. Vanya wanted to curse the universe -- if only they hadn’t cursed her bones too early then maybe she could be running for her life by now. She also wanted to curse Levi and Furlan for their decision to establish a hideout in a very sketchy neighborhood.

When Vanya was about to step out of an alley, that’s when one of her worst nightmares appeared in front of her.

“Well, if it isn’t the tattletale of a bitch herself!”

Her heart jerked -- she knew that deep voice so well.

“Mr. Reed,” Vanya said, pretending to be friendly as she smiled strainfully when the mafia boss came into view at the end of the alley. “What a delight to run into you.”

“Cut the bullshit,” Reed spat as he trudged closer to her along with two lanky men behind him. “You… you’re that rascal serving as an informant for those thieves!”

The girl started to tremble, she could barely keep her composure. “W-what are you talking about?”

The man’s nose flared in fury. “You know damn well what I’m talking about. My hard earned ten grand and weapons all down the drain and it’s because of bastards like you!

 _Right…_ She now recalled that if it weren’t for her, Levi and Furlan wouldn’t have gotten the money and the arsenals.

“You know what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” Vanya bit back, slowly inching backwards.

“You have quite a mouth,” Reed spat. “But let’s see if you can still babble like that once I have your throat slit open.”

She tensed in horror and frantically looked around her for a possible escape route. They were in an alley and the only possible way to escape was to run to the opposite direction that was behind her.

“Looks like you won’t be able to outrun us this time,” Reed mockingly eyed her crutch. “Seems like you’re becoming one of them too. No sooner will you die if you don’t get that treated.”

“Screw you!” Vanya hissed viciously but her voice was shrinking from the fear.

The man howled a sinister laugh. “How about I make your death quicker, huh? It’s convenient for the both of us.”

This was it. This was really it. Right when she actually thought she was going to die the same way her mother did.

“Boys, dispatch this bitch.”

 _No, I can’t die. Oh God, not now…_ Vanya’s mind raced as the two men behind Reed stepped closer to her.

She thought about her three best friends. There were still a million things she wanted to do with them -- one of those things included climbing to the surface together and living there happily. How would they react if they found her dead body in an alley? Not only that, she couldn’t die just yet without seeing Cedric and her father for the last time. Vanya knew they were both still alive somewhere on the surface and the thought of dying before she’d get to even see them one last time just made her want to cry.

 _I can still escape this..._ Her mind perked when her hand slid into her pocket to touch the hilt of her knife.

One of the men grabbed her shoulder and in a flash, a familiar grouchy voice rang inside her mind as clear as the day.

_If you don’t want to be harmed, you’ve got to learn how to inflict harm._

In a blink of an eye, Vanya let her adrenaline and instincts take over as she swiftly pulled out her small knife and slashed at the man’s forearm in an upward motion.

Blood spurted out everywhere and everyone gasped at the long vertical gash on the assaulter's forearm.

“Arrrghh!” the man gurgled in pain at his oozing open flesh. The cut was so deep that it caused a pool of blood at his feet.

Vanya’s chest convulsed when he didn’t stop bleeding profusely. She must have severed a vein and she knew so well that a vertical cut from the wrist would end the man’s life. The medic in her started panicking, that she gagged as she felt the sudden urge to vomit but she swallowed it all in.

She needed to run right away while they were all preoccupied with the bleeding man. Right when Vanya was staggering backwards away from them, she felt her weak leg bumping into debris and the force sent a shot of pain through her legs, making her yelp in agony.

It hurt so much that she lost her footing, making her fall backwards on her butt and the crutch falling on top of her.

“She’s fucking get away, kill her now!”

“No!” she cried out, wincing at the impact of the ground. “Please, don’t -- “

“What is going on here?”

A deep and unfamiliar voice bellowed behind her, making Vanya squinch in surprise and fear.

She watched as Reed and his men started to panic from the way their eyes twitched and how they instantly straightened their postures.

“Shit, it’s an MP…”

Vanya frantically whipped her head over her shoulder and saw a tall man standing behind her. He was so tall, he had to be at least six feet tall. The man seemed to be a Military Police from his outfit. Though he was wearing the famed brown jacket, the harnesses, and the ODM gear strapped on him, the girl wondered if the man was even an MP based from the dark green cloak that draped over him. She couldn’t even see his face because his hood was up.

“T-this girl!” Reed pointed accusingly at Vanya who was still cowering on the ground. “She assaulted us! Look at him, he’s bleeding to death.”

The woman gasped at his accusation. “No, I did not! They were about to kill me, sir, please believe me!”

“Sir, arrest her now! She’s dangerous, she’s still holding her bloody knife!”

When Vanya looked down, she saw her hands dripping with the man’s blood that she nearly screamed in terror. She instantly dropped the knife with a clunk that piercely echoed in the alley. 

Suddenly, they all heard a thud that came from the wounded man whose body dropped onto the ground, unmoving.

Reed cried out, horrified. “H-he’s dead! She killed him, She’s a fucking murderer!”

Everything started to feel blurry. Vanya could no longer hear the mafia boss’ fervent accusal nor the sound of her shallow breathing and rapid heartbeat. Her gaze only zeroed in the pale lifeless body in front of her, and the pool of fresh blood that surrounded it slowly trickled towards the ground where she lay motionless and terrified.

The static in Vanya’s mind deafened everything around her as she tried to process what just happened -- that she just killed someone in cold blood.

Suddenly, she felt a grip around her arm.

“Yes, that’s right. Arrest her! Let her rot in jail or better yet, have her head hung!” Reed spat when the MP went down on his knees to haul Vanya up to her feet.

“No, no, no! Sir, please, it’s not what you think it is!” Vanya begged, teary-eyed, at the MP whose face was shadowed under the hood.

When the unidentified man hoisted her up to a standing position, she was surprised at how gentle and careful he was with her unlike the merciless and aggressive MP’s she had witnessed arresting bandits in the past. But with this particular MP, it was like he knew the person he was holding was disabled. And the way he steadily held her arm made Vanya think she didn’t need her crutch to balance herself.

“I’ll see to it that this woman will be penalized for her actions,” the MP stated with his curt and deep voice.

Reed and his goon smirked at Vanya maliciously before they hastily dragged the body of the dead man and scurried away -- and just like that, another nameless corpse that will never be one for the books.

The soldier picked up Vanya’s crutch before he began to slowly drag her away out of the alley.

“S-sir, they were going to kill me, I swear. I had no choice!” she cried out while forcing her weight to pull herself away from his firm grasp. “I can’t go to jail, I don’t belong there!”

“I advise you not to struggle if you don’t want to garner unnecessary attention,” he spoke once more, less indifferent and a bit concerned this time yet his grip didn’t loosen. He didn’t even look bothered at all from Vanya’s meager struggle.

“No, I won’t stop until -- “

“Miss Vanya, if you will not calm down then you’ll leave me no choice but to bring you to an actual Military Police.”

Vanya froze when she heard her own name being spoken out loud from the tall stranger’s voice. She looked up (that’s how tall he was) at his covered face with astonishment and her jaws dropped.

“How do you…” she stammered but wasn’t able to finish when her head started filling up with so many questions.

Vanya inspected his uniform and under his green cloak, she finally got a glimpse of the crest embroidered on his brown jacket.

It wasn’t the symbol of the Military Police Brigade. It was the crest of the wings of freedom -- the symbol of the Survey Corps.

“Who are you…?”

It was clear that this man came down to the Underground with the clear intention of actually seeing her. He didn’t run into her in the alley by chance.

Then, the Scout soldier pulled down his hood to reveal the face of a man with the most piercing and resolute blue eyes Vanya had ever seen. He had perfectly groomed blonde hair, strong eyebrows, and had a very chiseled overall face shape. The man had a vernal aura that Vanya guessed he had to be at least in his late 20’s. But what struck her the most was the fortitude and authority he exuded from how tall and mightily he stood and how unwavered he looked at her.

“Listen to me carefully,” he said firmly.

Vanya eyed him curiously and attentively as she braced herself for what the man was about to say.

“Miss Vanya, you may or may not know me but I was a close comrade of your brother, Cedric.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The limping woman opened the door to her house and dust instantly flew all over the place when they both entered into the abode.

Nostalgia struck Vanya the moment she stepped into the place where she grew up and the exact same place where her mother died. It had been a long time since she went to her house, opting to stay at the hideout instead as per the strong advice of her friends.

“You’ll have to excuse the mess,” Vanya said apologetically as they precariously stepped over her equipment, vases of withered plants, and stacks of crates.

“That’s alright,” the Scout said politely as he stood out like a sore thumb in the disorderly space. “You certainly have more stacks of boxes than you need in this place.”

“Oh that?” Vanya said out loud from the kitchen. “They’re filled with supplies. I get them from an unknown sender from the surface for some reason.”

“For free?”

“Yeah, I stopped wondering years ago. They just kept coming with no note. As long as these supplies help in my medical service, then I see no reason to suspect it.”

“That’s rather… intriguing,” the man mused, slightly judging her for not being too careful.

“Oh please, do sit down!” the redhead bashfully said as she gestured to the dining table. “Would you like some tea?”

The man was about to answer but he was interrupted by the loud sound of the metal kettle dropping onto the kitchen counter which rattled the whole place; the shrill clatter made the both of them cringe.

“I’m so sorry!” Vanya, the culprit who dropped the kettle, squeaked. “I tend to be quite clumsy with things.”

She wasn’t _that_ clumsy. It was due to the fact that she was having a hard time reaching out for objects with one hand while the other hand was rigorously supporting her weight with a crutch.

“Miss Vanya, perhaps I could offer some help -- “

“No!” Vanya said a bit too quickly and harshly. But when she saw how slightly taken aback the man was, she quickly took back her word, “I mean -- you’re a guest! I shouldn’t trouble you that much, please don’t worry about me.”

Vanya hated it when people felt bad for her due to her condition. She just couldn’t bring herself to accept help from people who feel obliged to do so.

“It seems as if I’m the one troubling you,” the man arched his strong brows, looking amused, as he finally sat down on one of the chairs.

The woman shook her head vigorously, “Oh no! You’re not. I’m just returning the favor.”

When she left the kettle full of water onto the stove to boil, Vanya finally sat down across him, and sighed in relief after doing all that work just to prepare them a pot of tea.

“I haven’t gotten the chance to thank you mister…?” she suddenly realized that he didn’t know his name yet.

“Smith,” the man said curtly. “Deputy Commander Erwin Smith.”

Vanya blinked, starstruck by such a formidable-sounding title. “Yes, uhmm.. Thank you, Deputy Commander. You really saved me back there, I could’ve also died.” She felt like it was rightful for her to address him by his hard-earned ranked

“I was just fulfilling my duties, Miss Vanya,” Erwin nodded primly.

“If I may ask though,” Vanya’s voice began to sound jittery. “I’ll be pardoned, right? After what I… did…”

The vivid image of her bloody hands flashed in her head but it was gone before she knew it. Until now, she was still a bit shaken.

“For reasons I have yet to disclose, yes. You will be excused from receiving any corporal punishment even if I have the authority to bring you to court.”

“I don’t understand...” Vanya’s face wrinkled in confusion. “What’s your purpose, deputy? Surely you didn’t go through some trouble to get to the Underground without a goal. Correct me if I’m wrong but is it because you have some sort of business that has to do with me?”

Erwin gazed at her for a moment as if he was processing and composing his words together in his head. He even looked hesitant for a split second but he replied, “That, you are correct. Though there are other reasons as well.”

“And what may that be, sir?”

The man took a deep breath. Erwin looked so tense like he didn’t even want to say it but he knew deep down he had to.

“I came here as per the personal request of Lance Corporal Cedric Ronan.”

The kettle on the stove began to whistle, indicating that the water for their tea was now boiling. But the sharp sound didn’t register into Vanya’s ears.

“Lance… Corporal?”

Erwin nodded. “Yes, he was a Lance Corporal in the Southern Division of the Scout Regiment.”

Vanya hauled herself up as she staggered her way to the stove to turn off the fire and stop the whistling sound. Her eyes were as blank and dazed as her mind. She faced the man and leaned back onto the counter.

“You mean to say that…” she mumbled, trying to find the words. “That Cedric actually made it into the Scouts?”

“That, he did.”

Vanya closed her eyes in an effort to appease the elation that was building up inside her. She wanted to cry tears of joy after so many nights of praying that he was safe on the surface and that he had reached his goals. And now, knowing that he finally did it, the woman felt so proud and more than happy for her older brother.

“Thank heavens!” she chuckled cheerfully as she turned back to the kettle and poured the hot water into a pot to steep a tea bag. “Phew, it’s been a while since I’ve heard some good news. I could actually cry right now in happiness, if only you knew.”

Vanya was about to bring the hot teapot to the table when Erwin stood up with pursed lips and walked over to her. “I’ll carry that for you, please.”

The woman couldn’t say no, too blinded by her joy. She picked up the tea cups and asked the question that Erwin had been daunting to hear from the very beginning.

“So, where’s my brother?” The innocence and mirth in her voice pricked the man’s heart.

Vanya watched every tiny movement in Erwin’s face. How his sombre-turned blue eyes fell, the way he bit his lips, and how his adam’s apple bobbed in nervousness.

And from there, from the grave shift in his face, Vanya realized that the Deputy Commander didn’t come to her to deliver good news.

“A week ago, during our last expedition beyond Wall Maria, something happened that didn’t go according to plan. As a result, we were met with a great number of casualties,” Erwin said darkly. 

The woman, who already had tears brimming in her eyes, leaned further as she anticipated what she knew he was about to say.

“Your brother, Miss Vanya…” the man breathed heavily. “He was one of the casualties.”

The space went silent. Too silent. His words lingered in the air like dusts wanting to choke her, suffocate her, and tear her lungs apart, cell by cell.

“You mean… He’s dead.” she blinked, her tone devoid of any emotion.

Erwin lightly put his heavy hand on her shoulder, the same action he would do whenever he had to break the dreadful news to the relatives of their fallen soldiers every after expeditions.

“I’m deeply sorry for your loss.” When he said those words, he looked like it was also _his_ loss.

_Cedric is dead…_

Red. Red. Red. That was all Vanya could see. The blood in her hands, the strands of her auburn hair on wrinkled bed sheets, the apple on the old disabled woman’s lap, the dying fire on a melting candle, everything fervently became Red.

Suddenly, the teacups Vanya was holding dropped from her grasp and shattered all over at their feet. Erwin instantly recoiled and slightly pulled the stupefied and numb woman from the mess.

“I think it’s best if we take a seat, we’ll clean that up later,” the man gently said as he carefully guided her to the chair.

When they had both sat down, she was still silent and impassive. Erwin, too, sat still in front of her as he patiently waited. He was already used to dealing with this kind of situation, after all. Besides killing Titans, breaking the bad news was an art he had already mastered, as much as he hated to admit it. It was a skill no person deserved to learn but nonetheless, necessary when you’re a leader responsible for sending these people to their deaths.

“What did you mean when you say Cedric personally requested you to be here?”

Erwin found it shamelessly impressive how she was able to ask that question with a straight face. Normally, after people would hear the news of their sons and daughters getting killed in action, they would break down in the streets. But Vanya -- she was just staring numbly at him.

“It was your brother’s last dying wish,” he responded weightily. “Moments before he died, when I was there to witness his last breath, he told me he had a family in the Underground. I already knew he was from here but I never knew he left his sister and mother. Miss Vanya, your brother wanted me to take you and your mother to the surface and grant you permanent citizenship. That was his last dying wish.”

Vanya was idle for a moment, letting the information seep into her system.

A second chance at life, a life on the surface.

And then, she asked again, “That’s why you’re here, right? You came down here to bring me and my mother to the top?”

How composed she was handling all this, Erwin wondered.

“That is right.”

“Well, I’m afraid you’re two months too late, sir,” she bluntly said.

“What do you mean?”

“My mother,” Vanya muttered with her head falling. “She passed away two months ago. You’re too late.”

 _So that’s why she’s so calm. This isn’t her first loss_ … Erwin thought.

“I’m sorry…” He didn’t know what he was sorry about. Whether because apologizing was the automatic response when someone experiences a loss or he was sorry because he came to the Underground too late.

“Pray tell me, deputy,” she looked at Erwin with an unreadable countenance. “Just who were you to my brother? Why are you granting his last wish? Did you owe him a favor, perhaps? Bringing a stranger to the surface must be something you wouldn’t just go out of your way for someone, after all.”

“Besides the outstanding contributions he made for the regiment and for humanity,” Erwin swallowed. “He saved my life.”

When he saw Vanya slightly perking, he continued, “If it weren’t for him, I would be the one dead. And me being alive and standing in front of you must be a revolting sight for you, I wouldn’t blame you if you wished it was me who died.”

Vanya thought Erwin wasn’t right to assume. But at the same time, he wasn’t wrong in his assumptions.

“Maybe,” she could only say.

“He was one of my closest comrades, we always had each other’s backs,” the deputy commander went on. “He was one of the few people I could trust in the corrupted military system. His ingenuity and passion surpass the level of that of an acting commander that if he didn’t die, he would’ve been promoted as the Deputy Commander, not me.”

As Vanya listened, the more the depressing heaviness in her heart weighed her down. She never expected her brother to achieve such great heights. He could barely support his family, what more an entire brigade? As Erwin recounted Cedric’s achievements, the more she regretted for not knowing her brother fully before he had died. Sure, Vanya knew he was smart, the street kind of smart. He always knew his way around situations, even Levi had shamelessly praised him for that. But to be in the level of a Commander? Vanya wanted to hug Cedric and tell him how immensely proud she was -- but sadly, she could only dream.

“If he was so successful in the military, why didn’t he ever come down here to visit us? Even just once?” Vanya asked the question that had always been running in her head for years.

“To tell you the truth, Miss Vanya, I have no clue,” Erwin said in dismay. “I knew he was an illegal immigrant, I wouldn’t see a reason for him to come back down here. However… Cedric looked like he was in search of something -- or someone. He would tell no one what he was trying to find and he was always travelling within the walls, visiting every district when he possibly could.”

 _He was looking for Papa…_ Vanya wanted to say but bit herself back. She could vividly remember in Cedric’s last letter to her how he wouldn’t allow himself to come down to the Underground without succeeding in searching for Edward.

“Why didn’t you turn him in if you knew he was an illegal citizen from the Underground?”

“You ask the most sensible questions for someone who just lost someone tragically,” Erwin said with his blue eyes glinting, amused and impressed. “Are you always this inquisitive?”

But Vanya’s steadfast green eyes shined back with the same strong brilliance. “If there’s one consolation I rightfully deserve, it’s knowing the truth.”

The man looked into her eyes for a moment, unknowingly searching for reasons how the woman could manage to be so composed. Though he wasn’t particularly too fond of dealing with the emotions of others, Erwin could see that deep down, Vanya’s eyes were telling him that she was hurting and suffering just like any other human being.

“Very well,” the deputy spoke. “Miss Vanya, I truly believe that there are some laws and regulations that are meant to be violated if it means improving our strength to vanquish the Titans once and for all. Your brother, Cedric, was one of the greatest and honorable assets the regiment has ever had. He was always the forward thinker, having a strategy already planned before something happens. His tactic skills have gained us military bases we never thought we could actually establish outside the walls. Though he didn’t have the most impressive kill counts, the number of times he had led us would always outweigh that. To let go a soldier like him would be a disgrace to his abilities.”

Vanya managed to smile wistfully. “I’m glad to hear from someone so high-ranking that my brother was able to leave his legacy before he died…”

“A legacy I’ll always be indebted to,” Erwin mirrored her sad smile.

“Wait, I’m sorry if I seem intrusive with all my questions,” she said timidly.

“Not to worry, is there something else you would like to ask about?”

“There is,” Vanya gulped. She had to know the answer now. “Do you think... Cedric was able to find who he was looking for?”

“So it was a matter of _who_?” Erwin said, intrigued.

The woman cleared her throat. “Hypothetically speaking, of course.”

The skeptic man stared at him incredulously but answered anyway, “In my opinion, no. Even days before his last expedition, he was still visiting every town, investigating.”

_So Cedric wasn’t able to find Papa even after six years have passed? Is he missing?_

“You seem disappointed,” Erwin remarked when he observed the shift in her face. “Perhaps you know ‘who’ he was looking for then?”

Vanya quickly snapped out of her thoughts. She was thinking if she should tell this man about her father, maybe he could help them. But then she thought how risky it felt. If Cedric couldn’t reveal who he was looking for to his most trusted comrade, all the more it felt like she shouldn’t reveal it to Erwin who was a complete stranger to her.

“I don’t know,” Vanya only said.

“I see…” Erwin, the man who was well-versed with deception, already knew the woman was lying. But he decided to let it pass when his tone subdued. “You know, Miss Vanya, my offer still stands. With or without your mother.”

“You mean…about me going to the surface?”

Erwin nodded. “Not only will you be a permanent and legal resident but you will also get to receive the cure for your condition,” he said as his eyes shifted to her weak legs for a millisecond.

Vanya’s mind went static, she was speechless. His offer overwhelmed her; it was that one thing she had always dreamt of growing up. Having a second chance at life where you look up to no longer see a cave but the skies, the clouds, and the stars. She would finally be free from all the suffering just like the injured bird who flew out of the cavern. Plus, her condition will be cured. It was killing two birds with one stone.

But then, the faces of her three best friends flashed in her mind. Going to the surface was their collective dream. So many times they had sat together at the rooftop of the hideout, wondering what it was like to live on the topside. They would whisper promises to each other that one day, there would come a time when they would rise up from the darkness without leaving one behind. _Together_.

That’s why Vanya had no choice but to say, “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can accept this offer… at least not yet.”

However, Erwin didn’t look so surprised at the rejection. “I figured you’d say that.”

“Excuse me?” she snapped.

“I believe your decision has to do with a group of people,” he said consciously. “Three people to be exact, am I right, Miss Vanya?”

The confusion all over her face deepened. “How did you know that? Are you a spy for the MP’s?”

“I assure you, I am not. My moral judgements will never align to the likes of that brigade,” the way he had said those words sounded like he had an unspoken grudge for the particular regiment. “However, Cedric had mentioned once about people in the Underground who possess great skills in operating the ODM gears. Though he knew only two people, not three. To hear that really fascinated me that I had to go down here and see it with my own eyes. And your brother was right; those three thieves, whom I assume you are well acquainted with, are exceptional in their skills.

“I’m not just _well-acquainted_ with them, they’re like family to me,” Vanya’s voice became wry, she was starting to become suspicious of the deputy. The way Erwin described her best friends felt like he had some diabolical plan for them. “Just where are you getting at, sir? You seem to have other goals in mind coming down here.”

“That brings me to the _other_ reason why I’m here as I’ve mentioned earlier,” Erwin started to lean forward onto the table with an even more serious face. “I would like to propose something that will benefit the both of us.”

Vanya didn’t like where this was going. If anything, she found it quite rude for the man’s timing to propose something right after announcing that her brother just died. But at this point, any benefit in this God-forsaken city would be a luxury. She needed to take any chance she could get if she wanted to survive.

“What is it?” Vanya arched an eyebrow.

“If you want to live on the surface with your three friends permanently, I can make that possible and do the arrangements. But I would need cooperation from the four of you.”

“And what kind of cooperation would that be?” She tried her best to not sound anxious as she was already expecting the high price that would come with such a tempting offer.

“Before I get to that, it’s best that I provide you with some context,” Erwin said. “Before Cedric died, he was devising a military plan that could actually revolutionize the strategies of the Scouts and transform the overall reputation of the regiment. It’s called the Long Distance Enemy Scouting Formation, a plan with the goal of evading Titans instead of engaging with them so as to reduce casualties, if not completely mitigate it. However, as you already know, he died before he even finished drawing the plan. Fortunately, I was able to finish and refine what he started and I was about to submit it to the higher authorities with the intention of having it funded so that it could be put to practice.”

“What happened? Did they approve?” Vanya pried.

Then, Erwin’s face started to become grim.

“It is still in the process though I am not confident that it will be approved, considering that the reputation of the Scouts hasn’t been well accepted by the public. After last week’s expedition and the missions prior, we haven’t been producing much fruitful results. Along that, a circulating propaganda coming from an anti-expedition faction has been hindering our chances to get your brother’s plan to be approved. One of the leaders of that faction is Nicholas Lovof, a corrupt and notorious noble, and he has been pushing us to be defunded as soon as possible.”

“I don’t understand…” the redhead shook her head slowly. “Where do my friends and I come into this problem? I don’t see how we can help in this situation, we’re just poor people in this damned place, I don’t think we have any place for your twisted surface politics.”

“Believe me when I say that every person, rich or poor, has a role to transform the twisted politics.”

Vanya gave him a hardened look. “And how do you suppose we play our ‘roles’ in that?”

“As we speak right now, your friends and Nicholas Lovof are currently exchanging a deal at the stairwell,” Erwin said ominously.

“What? Now?” she gasped in disbelief. “W-what deal? What is Lovof proposing?”

“Something that can incriminate and put an end to the integrity of the Scouts once and for all,” he replied before shooting her a sharp look. “And that’s where you come in, Miss Vanya.”

“M-me?”

“As of now, I am still not certain what Lovof is planning for your friends. Your task is to find out the nature of their deal and report it to me immediately.”

“What makes you so sure I can succeed?”

“Aren’t you serving as your gang’s informant?” Erwin asked, challenging her. “If you can successfully do that, then I’m confident enough to trust you with this task.”

Vanya pondered over his words before she asked, “You said that the _four_ of us will have to cooperate with your plan. Now that I know what you’re expecting from me, what about my friends? How can they help you in this scheme of yours?”

“I’ll have them conscripted into the Scouts Regiment.”

“WHAT?!”

Her shriek was so loud that even the stilted and firm Deputy Commander flinched and leaned back at her outburst.

“You plan to send them out of the walls and be Titan chow?!” she continued, her voice trembling in anger and trepidation. “N-no! I can’t let you do that, they’re all I have. I’m sorry, I cannot accept this deal!”

Though Vanya was confident in Levi, she couldn’t imagine poor Isabel with her small figure to be fighting monstrous creatures that were 10 meters tall. And what about Furlan? Could he actually slice a Titan’s nape?

“Please, I advise you to think this through carefully,” Erwin mustered all his emotions to sound calm and reassuring. “Your contributions will help us greatly in the regiment. Your brother’s legacy is on the line if his Long Distance Enemy Scouting Formation plan won’t come into fruition. And it’s because of greedy people like Lovof. Think about that.”

“It’s not like our contribution will significantly reduce your death rates, so what’s the point?” Vanya spat.

“In the great scheme of things, your roles, as small as you think it is, will be integral in transforming the whole system. Recruiting these three people with so much potential is a step closer for humanity to rise against the Titans and know the truth of their origins. Every person who joins us matters.”

“And if we choose not to accept?”

“It’s either you play a part in fighting for humanity or waste your waking moments hiding in fear in the Underground,” The passionate glimmer in his eyes didn’t falter. “I assure you, you will be compensated generously. The four of you will be able to live on the surface while you get your treatment in exchange for your participation in this plan.”

Vanya could see the passion in Erwin’s eyes. He was seeing something so much bigger that she couldn’t even see. The way he proclaimed about humanity and how fervent he was for systemic change stirred something in her: a newfound admiration for him.

“Okay…” she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. “I may not fully grasp the greater cause you are promoting but… I trust your word.”

“So, do you wish to accept this deal?” Erwin looked at her deeply into her eyes.

At first, she felt intimidated. But something inside her was telling Vanya that this man was a man of his word and character. A man that would never let her down -- a man she could trust.

“Yes, I accept.”

Erwin looked satisfied as he gave a small smile. “A wise choice. Though I can’t assure you that it is a decision you won’t regret, I will make sure your efforts would not go to waste in vain.”

Vanya shifted on her seat uncomfortably, “What do you mean you can’t assure me? Isn’t that unfair?”

“No one can foretell the future, Miss Vanya. Everything is uncertain and I don’t want to give you false hope.”

“Even the safety of my friends once they go to expeditions?” she whimpered vulnerably.

“Yes…” The man’s head turned downcast.

“But I’ll trust you.”

Erwin looked up when he heard her say those words with a certain flare of confidence. She was looking back at him with a tender and fragile gaze and he suddenly remembered the same lifeless green eyes that stared back at him at the bloodbath of a battlefield.

“If my brother trusted you and saw your life worth sacrificing his own…Then so will I.”

And then, Vanya shined a smile so broken yet so hopeful. A smile that suddenly gave Erwin a surge of strength, courage, hope, and something else so profound: a drive to protect this woman no matter what cost.

“I’ll do what it takes to not let you down,” It wasn’t in Erwin’s character to make promises. But there was something in this woman that deserved his word.

Erwin stood up and walked over to the shards of teacups at the kitchen. He knelt down and started picking up the broken pieces one by one.

“S-sir, please don’t trouble yourself. I can do that!” Vanya grabbed her crutch and stood up to follow him. But by the time she had arrived, the ground was already clean and the shards were thrown into the nearest bin.

“Thank you…” she mumbled sheepishly while blushing.

The man nodded, unaware of the flush in her cheeks. “I shall take my leave now. I trust that you will not disclose our deal nor our meeting with anyone.”

“You have my word,” Vanya said confidently as they both made their way towards the door.

When Vanya opened the door for him, she nearly jumped when she felt his hand on her shoulder again.

Erwin’s face fell somber once again. “My deepest sympathies once again…”

The woman’s eyes dropped, suddenly remembering that Cedric was now gone forever. That she had no reason to wait for him just like she always did for six years.

“Thank you, sir, you are a kind man.” Vanya’s voice was small but sure. “I don’t blame you for what happened. Like you said, everything is uncertain but what’s important is, his sacrifice won’t be meaningless, as long as we keep fighting.”

“That’s a relief to hear,” Erwin genuinely replied. “I shall come back in two days for your report. I’ll see you by then, Miss Vanya.”

Vanya nodded as she watched him step out of her house. But then, she quickly stopped him.

“Wait, deputy!”

Erwin turned around with one eyebrow arched.

“Please,” Vanya gave a soft and trusting smile once more. “Call me Vanya.”

The man returned her smile.

“Then, call me Erwin.”

Erwin disappeared into the shadows of the street, leaving Vanya wondering what role the man will play in her life.

And just like that, the day shifted from Red to Blue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet y'all are curious about their "past" as I've mentioned in the past chapter. Don't worry, in the next coming chapters, their fascinating "relationship", if i may call it, will develop hehehehe. Though their rapport will be quite complex, I think it's not really going to greatly complicate her relationship with Levi. But I'd like to think that Erwin's role in Vanya's life will be quite relatable to most of us when it comes to understanding true love and relationships :) 
> 
> On another note, the next chapter will be the LAST chapter set in the Underground. After that chapter, there will be a new arc that covers Vanya and the trio on the surface. So, please look forward to that! 
> 
> Also, about the concept of "color signals" that I incorporated in this chapter, it's actually a thing I did with my ex years ago HAHAHA and honestly, it did help me communicate my feelings with him since he used to get overwhelmed with my anxiety. So yeah, I guess I need to give him credit for that lol. 
> 
> Next chapter will hopefully be up at the end of this week! 
> 
> Happy holidays, everyone!
> 
> Frankie xo


	18. Life in the Underground, Part 11: The Lies We Tell

**_Year 844_ **

****

“Are you _really_ sure you’d rather stay here than move to the hideout with us?”

“For the upteenth time, Furlan,” Vanya sighed exhaustedly as she slouched further onto her beaten up couch. “I’m not ready to leave this home just yet.”

The redhead watched Furlan crossing his arms in restlessness as he sat on top of one of the dusty wooden crates that kept her solvents for medicines. He wasn’t too eager about Vanya’s sudden decision to stay at her small family house, considering how volatile her physical, mental, and emotional health were. As much as the man didn’t want to treat her like a child, he couldn’t help but overthink about the severe scenarios that could happen if they left Vanya all alone. What if one day, the pain gets too unbearable that she couldn’t stand anymore? How would she call for help? Who would feed her when no one else is in the house to do it for her? And what if she’d die from starvation if ever that happens all because she couldn’t stand and feed herself?

Furlan shook his heads from those grueling thoughts. In all honesty, more than finding it risky and impractical, he rather found Vanya's decision to be quite suspicious, most especially the timing. After her mother’s death, she had been cooped up at the hideout for two straight months, where she was tended with utmost care and support by her best friends. And now Vanya suddenly wanted to move out to the very place where she’ll be constantly reminded of the bittersweet memories of her mother when they all knew she hadn’t completely healed yet from her grief.

Of course, everyone had their own stages and approaches to grieving. But Furlan couldn’t help but find Vanya’s approach to be _too_ suspicious.

“But, sis, you’d be alone,” Isabel pouted, bouncing onto the couch at the spot right next to the older woman.

Vanya forced a small smile to hide the slightest hint of sadness she felt upon hearing the word _alone_. “But I won’t be lonely,” she mumbled passively as her eyes glazed over the threadbare space of the room: the space where a family of four once stayed happily.

Empty chairs, the dining table where endearing conversations and laughter ensued over measly meals, Lily humming at the kitchen, 14-year-old Cedric chasing her 8-year-old self into their now hollow bedroom, and Edward brewing a special cough medicine at the living room as her naive self observed from the side with wondrous eyes.

Back then when Vanya was younger, she used to think that her shanty childhood home was so small for the four of them. Even if Edward would stay most of the time on the surface, it still felt _too_ small to shelter all her precious moments with Cedric and their mother. But now, as 21-year-old Vanya looked around her, she suddenly realized how big and overwhelming their dilapidated house was. Four chairs at the dining area, two creaky beds in her bedroom, and another small bedroom adjacent to it -- Vanya had all these things but lost the people to share it with. And only then did she realize that her house was big enough for her to realize the depths of her _aloneness_ and _loneliness_.

Funny how her younger self would always complain about their small house. _It’s too small for hide-and-seek_ , she’d whine with her obnoxious voice. But now, with everyone leaving her behind, she had more space than she needed to hide herself in the shadows from the outside world. Always looking out, but never stepping out.

“I’m not lonely...” she whispered to herself, hoping that feeding herself with a lie would make her words come true.

“What’s your color today?” asked Furlan, who noticed Vanya’s eyes so crestfallen.

“Blue,” she said her second lie.

Vanya hadn’t told them about Cedric -- she couldn’t. Because if she did tell them, it was highly likely that they’ll ask her how she knew. And Vanya couldn’t just simply tell them that a high-ranking soldier from the Survey Corps visited her to tell her that -- that would be violating her agreement with the deputy.

And if Vanya told Levi and Furlan, Cedric’s best friends and the people who probably knew and missed Cedric more than she did, how would she ever handle the shattered looks on their faces?

That’s why she had been shouldering the loss all on her own. Ever since that encounter with Erwin Smith, Vanya had to endure countless nights silencing her cries into a pillow, hoping that Levi and Furlan would be with her in her wrenching grief. Because if there were any other people out there who’d be devastated as she was, it would be the two of them who had been with her brother through thick and thin in the Underground.

“Your eyes have been awfully too sore lately…” Isabel mewled, holding Vanya’s hands to her lap. “Just tell us honestly if it’s Red, okay?”

Vanya nodded, tightening her grip on the younger girl’s hand to ease the jitters she was feeling for having to lie to their faces. No matter how good she was at deceiving people as the gang’s informant, there was nothing more difficult than lying to the faces of the people whom she loved.

The sound of her bedroom door shutting caught their attention. When they all turned to the source, they saw Levi walking out of Vanya and Cedric’s shared bedroom with a white cloth covering the lower half of his face and another piece of cloth that draped over his black hair. On one hand was a used rug and on the other, a broom.

“I told you, you didn’t need to hassle yourself cleaning my room,” Vanya grumbled, albeit not having the energy to bicker with her current heavy heart.

“It was filthy,” Levi muttered while pulling down his mask to reveal his face fully. “This place has gone to the dogs.”

Furlan glared at the ravenette and furiously mouthed: “ _Not now, Levi.”_

But the fussy man waved off his sensible friend as he continued, “If you want to stay here instead of the hideout, fine, do that. We won’t stop you. But if you’re going to sleep in this dump from now on, then you leave me no choice but to drop by every single day and clean the shit out of this mess and you will not -- I mean, _not_ , stop me. Got that?”

“ _Or_ ,” Vanya stifled a smile. “Just admit the fact that you just want to see me everyday.”

“Quit flattering yourself, brat,” Levi deadpanned before he lazily dragged a chair in front of the couch and sat down so that he was face to face with Vanya. “Now, you listen up. We’ve got news.”

Furlan and Isabel froze, and instantly straightened themselves from where they sat. All their faces shifted to a more serious appearance, leaving Vanya the only one with a dumbfounded look.

“Okay…? I’m listening,” she said dubiously.

Her three best friends surreptitiously exchanged hesitant looks for a moment before they all nodded to each other in confidence. Levi turned back to her and said, “We’ve been offered a job.”

“From who?” asked Vanya with furrowed eyebrows.

Levi nudged at Furlan for him to answer her question. The blonde man cleared his own throat. “I pulled some strings and confirmed his identity -- his name is Nicholas Lovof.”

Vanya’s hand instantly clenched at the sound of the man’s name, completely forgetting that she was still holding Isabel’s hand. When the younger redhead felt this abrupt movement, she asked her quizzically, “Do you know him, sis?”

Everyone’s gazes became sharper as they awaited for Vanya to speak.

_Act natural, Vanya_. She screamed at herself in her head before she answered smoothly at Isabel, “Isn’t he the noble who practically owns the stairwell where you tried to release the injured bird the first time?”

“Yeah, that’s him,” Levi said, completely buying Vanya’s pretense.

“What’s he offering?” Vanya tried her best to sound as tamed as she could. The girl could barely hide her anticipation, knowing that this was the very moment Erwin had specifically asked her to do: to know Lovof’s deal.

Levi answered, “A great sum of money and -- “

“Citizenship on the surface!” Isabel exclaimed excitedly while the man glared at her for interrupting him.

Vanya’s eyes bulged. She couldn’t believe that the greedy noble had it in him to offer such a generous reward that actually outdid Erwin’s which only promised citizenship, not anything monetary.

“Not only that,” Isabel continued, her tone more skittish. “He promised us that we will live in the Capital. Right in Mitras, sis! Isn’t that crazy?”

Okay. Way, _way_ , better than Erwin’s offer.

“You don’t seem happy,” Furlan pointed out as he stared at Vanya’s hazy look.

“I just feel like it’s too good to be true,” she shook her head. “I’m happy for you guys though…”

Furlan leaned closer to her. “You’re part of the deal, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Levi over here,” Furlan glanced at Levi, who was avoiding everyone’s eyes. “He was able to convince Lovof to also grant you citizenship, not just the three of us. Levi also made sure Lovof was going to get you to a first-rate hospital and have your bones treated. We all agreed on it already.”

Vanya blinked a few times, trying to process what he had just said. She then turned to the grumpy-looking man with his legs and arms crossed, looking as aloof as always.

“You’re going to walk properly again in no time,” Furlan added with a reassuring smile.

“Bro was so furious when Lovof initially refused,” Isabel said friskly, as if she was recounting a funny memory. “I’ve never seen someone fought so hard during a negotiation.”

Vanya pursed her lips, suddenly feeling awkward and embarrassed at how much she had troubled her best friend to go through that length. “Levi…?” she called out when he was silent and ignoring everyone else.

Finally, Levi looked back at her with his sharp eyes cutting through. “It was either the four of us or nothing,” and then he looked away.

Though she didn’t find it necessary for him to do that anymore since Cedric had already requested Erwin to do that, Vanya couldn’t help but feel that ferocious tug in her heart.

“Thank you…” she whispered delicately, making Levi’s eyes dilate for a moment before he relaxed in content.

Now, Vanya couldn’t help but weigh the options she was presented with. The thought of betraying the deputy commander to get the better deal suddenly crossed her mind. Erwin’s offer was all too risky; she didn’t want to have her best friends be Scouts and be dispatched out of the walls to fight Titans. As much as she wanted to see the bigger picture of what he was seeing, Vanya thought how ridiculous and farfetched it all felt. To fight for humanity? Freedom? The answers to the incontestable mysteries of what lies beyond the walls?

No offense, Vanya would rather live in the interior with her best friends than have them fight in an unwinnable battle.

But then again, it all boiled down to the actual _task_ rather than the reward of the offer.

“Wait,” she snapped. “So what is Lovof asking you to do?”

“Two things,” Levi said stoically. “First, we follow a high-ranking man and retrieve the documents he’s keeping.”

“That seems quite easy,” Vanya shrugged. “What’s the second thing?”

“We kill him.”

The way he said those words so plainly and impassively as if it was just a piece of cake made her skin shudder.

“Oh…” Vanya said hesitantly. Of course, everything luxurious must have a high price.

“Come on, sis, we’re _thugs_. That’s what we do,” Isabel exclaimed defensively. “And besides, it’ll be our only chance to get closer to our dream of leaving this hellhole.”

“I know, I know…” Vanya sighed in distress. “Now, what is the name of this unfortunate man?”

Levi’s eyes darkened.

“Erwin Smith.”

_Oh._

“Vanya? You okay?” Furlan asked when he caught the tiniest twitch in her eyes and fingertips. Levi only narrowed his eyes at her.

“Y-yeah!” the woman forced herself to chuckle that sounded too off and restrained. “So… uhmm, do you know the guy?”

Levi raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “No, _do you_?” he said, challenging her.

_Dammit, this is bad..._

Vanya would always forget that if there was one person in this universe who could see through her deceptions, it just had to be Levi himself. There was nothing she could ever hide from him.

“No,” she said a bit too assertively that it didn’t come off as natural as she wanted it to be. “Although… his name rings a bell. High-ranking man, you say?”

Levi’s glare became even sharper and more potent at her crumbling facade, Vanya thought that was the end of her -- that she had miserably failed in such a simple task.

But to her surprise and relief, the perceptive man promptly replied, “Yes. Deputy Commander of the Survey Corps, apparently.”

_Two can play that game_ … Levi’s inner voice echoed.

“I see,” Vanya mumbled, regarding him with a leery expression. “And how will you exactly _find_ this Erwin Smith?”

“We don’t need to,” Levi shrugged. “He will be the one to find us and from there, our task will commence.”

“He’s going to make contact regardless if we accept or decline Lovof’s deal,” Furlan added shortly.

“So what now?” she asked.

Furlan paused for a moment as he pondered over her question. “I guess, we just go on about our day as thugs and pray that us flying around with our gears is enough to catch his attention.”

“Seems convenient,” Vanya grimaced, pretending she couldn’t care less.

“Although,” Isabel piped in. “I wonder what this Erwin bloke wants with us…”

Vanya wanted to cry out the truth so badly. She hated this feeling of hiding something from them, most especially when that _something_ has to do with them risking their lives to the Titans and becoming pawns for whatever grand ambition Erwin was promoting.

“Beats me,” Levi grunted before standing up. He turned to Isabel and Furlan. “You two, gear up.”

“Where are you going?” Vanya asked as she watched all her friends obediently stand up and walk towards the corner where they left their metal gears. They were already wearing the harnesses everyday like a daily accessory, knowing how frequent they’ve been using the gears.

“We’re running low on supplies, so we’re gonna loot,” Furlan explained as he attached the metal cylinders to his belt. “If my predictions are correct, we might run into Erwin Smith.”

Vanya frowned while her three best friends headed for the door.

She was about to grab both of her crutches to pull herself up even if her legs were more painful that day but Levi stopped her, jabbing his index finger to her forehead. He bent over to look at her straight in the eye fiercely

“Don’t stand, just stay right here,” he said, his resolute eyes didn’t waver as he stared deeply into hers like a serious warning. “We’ll be back as soon as we can so don’t do anything dumb while we’re gone.”

“But -- “

“Today is a Red, right?” Levi cut her off bluntly.

Vanya instantly shut up, startled at how the man precisely knew what she was going through when she already made it clear that today was a Blue.

“How can you tell?” Vanya asked incredulously.

Levi scoffed, “Since when have you ever fooled me?”

Vanya yelped when the man swiftly flicked her forehead.

“You’ve got to stop doing that!” she groaned in irritation but Levi ignored her as he was already walking out of the door with Furlan and Isabel waiting outside.

But before the man closed the door behind him, he looked over his shoulder but this time, his expression was now mellow.

“If there’s anything you need to tell us, just say it now.”

Vanya’s knuckles tightened. Her eyes dropped as she gritted her teeth. This was it, this was her chance to say that they were all caught in a trap. That somehow, they got dragged into the mess of the surface politics the moment Erwin and Lovof made contact with them. If she told him that Lovof’s intention was just driven by his greed, it won’t change the fact that her best friends will be conscripted into the Scouts. If she chose to betray Erwin and tell Levi about her deal with the deputy, they would all be safe in the interior but what then will be the fate of the whole regiment once Erwin gets killed? Whatever choice she made, she was always faced with serious consequences.

Vanya finally understood the gravity of her task -- she wasn’t just an informant, she was a witness of all the possible outcomes as the intertwining lives of Erwin and her best friends were in her hands.

And so, she chose to remain silent, giving an empty look at Levi..

“Very well,” Levi muttered, slightly sounding disappointed at her silence. “We’ll be back before you know it.”

With that, he left.

For about five minutes, Vanya sat motionless on the couch as she contemplated on what she had just done. Why did it feel like she just betrayed them? Did she do the right thing? Would trusting the deputy’s deal over Lovof’s be worth it? She couldn’t believe she had it in her to lie to her friends’ faces, almost slipping when Levi started to regard her with skeptic eyes.

_Since when have you ever fooled me?_

Levi’s words rang in her head, shooting jitters all over her system. It was obvious that the man knew Vanya was lying like he always did. She could never get past him with a successful attempt at hiding the truth, the man would always see right through her as if he knew the woman like the back of his hand.

Vanya groaned out loud, ruffling her hair in frustration. Then, her eyes landed on the chair where Levi previously sat. On the seat laid his white spotless handkerchief that he must have forgotten to bring with him. It was not surprising that a cloth so dainty and clean could actually belong to someone as finicky as him. Levi was practically obsessed about making sure it was clean all the time as seen from how wrinkled and worn out it was due to his constant scrubbing on it with whatever lye he could find.

“Oh Levi…” she sighed, knowing that her best friend will come back knocking in any minute because the man just couldn’t go anywhere without his handkerchief.

And just as Vanya predicted, someone began to knock on her front door.

She took a deep breath before she mustered all her strength to pull herself up with her crutches. Instantly, Vanya hissed in pain when she felt the excruciating stab-like feeling on her hips.

Red day was truly a bitch.

She grabbed Levi’s handkerchief from the chair and stumbled towards the door, groaning at every step she took as the crutches trembled under her grip.

“Dammit, of all the times you have to be forgetful…” she cursed.

Though with a bit of a struggle, Vanya pulled the front door open with a scowl.

“Oy, grinch, here’s your stupid handker -- ”

But it wasn’t her short, grumpy, raven-haired grinch at her doorstep.

Instead, it was the six foot tall man with blonde hair and strong blue eyes standing there, looking so puzzled but pleasantly entertained at the woman shouting at him at the door.

“S-sir, you’re here!” Vanya squeaked, her face red as her hair.

The Scouts’ deputy raised one eyebrow, amused. “Vanya, I do recall myself telling you to call me ‘Erwin’ instead of ‘sir’,” he paused before adding, “Or _grinch_.”

“O-oh no! I didn’t mean to call you that, I swear!” she stammered, flustered, as she tried her best to ignore the heat rising onto her cheeks.

_God, Vanya, you’re so stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!_ She screamed in her head that was translated into a nervous and strained chuckle on her lips.

“So, uhmmm.. Si -- Ah, I mean, Erwin, what brings you here so early?” She wanted to slap herself at how she was making a fool out of herself before a respectable man.

“It’s been two days,” Erwin said brusquely.

Vanya’s face creased in confusion. “What? Has it?”

The man’s thick eyebrows raised even higher.

“I mean -- y-yes! Two days as we agreed… two days ago. Uhh… right, right…” she tried to laugh it all off light-heartedly but failed when Erwin’s odd look at her deepened.

“I’m expecting you’ve made progress in your task,“ Erwin ignored her strange behavior. “I saw your three friends walking out of this building, I assume they’ve already told you their deal with Lovof.”

“Yes, they did. I can report it to you now,” Vanya chirped.

When she looked behind Erwin, she saw another tall, well-built and blonde Scout with a mustache and beard, waiting patiently.

_Jeez, are all the Scouts tall and blonde?_

“This is Squad Leader Mike Zacharias,” Erwin gestured at the man when he noticed the woman’s curious and suspicious look.

Vanya nodded at him with a polite smile, as Mike did the same.

“Would you two like to come in?” she asked kindly.

“Please,” replied Erwin politely.

Vanya stepped aside as the two soldiers entered her small house. Erwin was already well-acquainted with the interior from the way he kept a neutral expression but on the other hand, Mike was something else. The moment the second guest stepped into the house, his nose instantly scrunched and started sniffing.

“Oh, uhmm, do you happen to be allergic to plants? I’ve got lots of it here,” Vanya worriedly asked when she saw Mike’s unreadable face.

“Mike just has a keen sense of smell, that’s all,” Erwin answered plainly. “Surprisingly quite useful in the field, that is.”

“I see…” the woman mumbled but flinched when Mike stepped closer to her and leaned down to her small height.

He narrowed his eyes at her, inspecting her closely with a sniffing nose before he said his first word to her: “Lavender.”

“Excuse me?” Vanya questioned with a weirded look.

Mike straightened himself before he said crisply, “You seem to be fond of lavenders.”

The woman blinked, impressed. She then glanced at Erwin who gave her a subtle look of ‘ _I told you so_ ’.

“Interesting,” Vanya mused. “Anywho, back to Lovof,” she said as she sat back down to rest her aching legs.

“Yes, yes, what did he propose?” Erwin inquired, taking the seat where Levi previously sat.

Suddenly, Vanya started to feel anxious and self-conscious as the two tall gentlemen regarded her with serious and authoritative faces.

Then, she remembered Lovof’s offer that seemed so promising and tempting: money, a life at the wealthy capital, and a cure to her condition. With those rewards, they wouldn’t need to beg nor do their sketchy criminal works. They would never be hungry and they’d be far from the atrocities of what was beyond the walls.

Vanya realized that she could still benefit from those rewards. She could live happily and comfortably with her best friends only if she chose to withhold the information from Erwin. She told herself that she needed this, her friends needed this. They needed to stay alive and to hell how selfish it all seemed.

“You seem preoccupied,” Erwin’s voice interrupted Vanya’s thoughts.

“O-oh, sorry I was -- “

“What incentives did Lovof promise?” the man asked sharply, his eyes narrowing.

Vanya looked at him, confused as to why he was suddenly interested about the incentive rather than the mission Lovof was requesting.

“The look on your face, Vanya,” Erwin pointed out with a curious tone. “It’s telling me that you’re favoring whatever Lovof was offering. So tell me, what was his incentives?”

The woman gulped, intimidated at how calm Erwin sounded. Like a passive-aggressive manner that was taunting at her. Mike was already eyeing her with a distrustful look.

“He…” Vanya didn’t know if she should admit it. If Erwin knew that the corrupt man offered a better deal, she would lose the deputy’s trust for looking like she wanted to side with the enemy. 

“He?” Erwin crossed his arms.

She mumbled, “He offered me and my friends citizenship.”

“And?”

“The cure to my condition.”

“And?”

Vanya looked at him in panic, wondering how Erwin could sense how there was more to it. When his eyes started to become more intimidating and penetrative, she finally caved in.

“Money…” she said shamefully, dropping her head as she bit her lips. “And a place in the interior…”

Vanya heard Erwin release a hefty breath. “And I suppose you’re actually considering accepting his deal?” he asked with slight mockery.

“What if I am?” she suddenly snapped, taking the two men aback. “Try living in this hell of an Underground for all your life, then you’ll understand.”

Mike glared and bared his teeth. He stepped forward but Erwin stopped him with a simple wave of his hand.

“I don’t blame you,” Erwin said so casually, which surprised the woman. “It is an attractive offer after all. Living in the wealthiest and safest place is the dream, right? A life with no burden, pain or suffering?”

Vanya stared at him for a moment with a delicate look. She whispered sadly, “Yes…”

It was clear in her face and tone that she wanted it _so bad._ She closed her eyes and imagined how good it would feel to live that kind of life. No more days of hiding in the darkness -- just the four of them basking under the sunlight as they all dwelled in a big house somewhere in the luscious fields.

“That was your brother’s dream too.”

Vanya opened her eyes when Erwin spoke those words.

“Really? Cedric said that?” she asked softly.

The deputy grimaced before nodding. “Yes, that man had absolutely no shame in admitting that, even when he was already a Lance Corporal.”

She couldn’t help but lean forward, wanting to hear more of it. Vanya needed to know what Cedric was like on the surface, what kind of man he was and how he lived his remaining days. She needed to know that he was happy at some point. And only Erwin could provide those answers.

“He once told me that _someone_ once urged him to live his life freely. To be selfish and do whatever it takes to be happy even if it means leaving his loved ones behind,” Erwin said ruefully, his distant eyes look out the window. “That ‘someone’ must have been selfish but with a valid reason.”

Vanya started fidgeting with Levi’s handkerchief, looking down at her lap with guilt as she reminisced how it was she who urged her brother six years ago. The memory of him crying his heart out on his shoulder made her heart twist.

“Now that I think about it,” Erwin added as he glanced at the guilty woman. “That ‘someone’ sounds like the person I just met two days ago.”

His bright cerulean eyes glinted as realization dawned on him. Vanya’s hands started trembling from how tightly she was clenching her fist in shame.

“And what did my brother do? Was he able to pursue his dream?” Vanya asked darkly, without removing her eyes from his lap.

“He didn’t do anything about that dream,” Erwin stood up and started pacing around the room. He surveyed each potted plants that were already dying due to Vanya’s inconsistency in maintaining it

“Why not?” Vanya asked, looking warily at the man who was walking around her house as if he was strolling around in a museum.

Erwin stopped and turned to the woman.

“He realized it wasn’t his dream,” he stated plainly. “It was just his desire.”

“Dreams and desires are just the same thing,” Vanya retorted.

“Not exactly. There is still a fine line between the two things,” Erwin replied prudently. “A desire is something for yourself. Something that would satiate and fulfill your individual needs. A dream is something that’s bigger than yourself to the point that it feels impossible and ridiculous to reach. It’s not about for your own benefit anymore, it’s also for the people around you. Though it seems unreachable and vague, you still fight for that dream, knowing that it is for the greater good.”

Erwin paused as if he remembered something so grim. “Sadly, there are a lot of people who died before they were able to reach their dreams. But that doesn’t mean their efforts were meaningless.”

“Then perhaps their dreams aren’t worth fighting for if they’re just going to die trying,” Vanya said frankly.

“Perhaps,” Erwin said, agreeing with her. “But dreams never die with the dreamer. They’re passed onto the next fighters. And when these fighters also die, the dream gets passed to the next. It won’t stop until someone is finally able to successfully reach it. And I know once that happens, it will all be worth it. Those people who died, their efforts won’t die with them in vain.”

Vanya let his heavy words soak into her mind.

“Just what are you trying to say, Erwin?” the woman asked with a slight hint of frustration.

Erwin began to walk closer to where Vanya was sitting. “What I’m trying to say is, whatever Lovof is promising you, it’s just going to satisfy your desires, not your dreams.”

“Who are you to tell me what my real dreams are?” Vanya scoffed.

“I was a witness of your brother’s battles,” Erwin’s words cut through her like a dagger. “He died fighting for humanity’s ultimate dream: to put an end to this war against the Titans. Cedric could’ve lived in the interior with his talent, but he didn’t. Because living in comfort and luxury wasn’t the dream. Instead, he wanted freedom. The type of freedom that will benefit not just himself but the future generations of humanity.”

The man stopped right in front of Vanya and knelt down. His height finally matched her level as he pensively stared into her green eyes.

“Vanya, if you choose to side with Lovof, that will be an abominable insult to your brother’s travails in reaching his dream.”

They both stared at each other for a few seconds as the eerie silence hovered above them. Erwin’s gaze was firm and unrelenting while Vanya’s was a flurry of emotions. His shrewd words rendered her speechless that all she could do was bite the insides of her cheeks.

This man, this _Erwin Smith_ , was a good one. Vanya couldn’t help but feel gobsmacked at how the deputy just knew how to push people’s buttons with a simple arrangement of words and sentences. His art of persuasion was too impeccable, Vanya surmised that he could actually will people to follow his commands with a speech that just knew how to appeal to the very core of their emotions.

And right now, his words were pulling at Vanya’s senses in the most uncomfortable way, shattering the walls she had worked so hard to build and protect herself, brick by brick.

“Are you…” Vanya narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously. “Manipulating me?”

“If that’s your way of understanding what it means to be on the side of humanity, then, yes. Yes, I am.”

The woman was impressed at how shameless and proud Erwin could admit that. Now she understood why he was the deputy commander of the Survey Corps.

“Erwin Smith, you are indeed something else…” Vanya whistled as she leaned back. His eyes were so intense and near that she suddenly felt the urge to step back. “Just so you know, I was never going to take Lovof’s deal anyway even if it was the easy way out.”

Erwin looked quite surprised. “It seems as if you were.”

“ _Seems_ ,” Vanya emphasized. “Had I planned to then I would’ve told my friends about you -- but I didn’t.”

“And why is that?”

She sighed. “Because if I did, I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for having a whole regiment losing another strong soldier like Cedric.”

Erwin was baffled, his forehead wrinkled in confusion. “I don’t understand…”

“Erwin, listen to me,” Vanya’s eyes glossed forbiddingly. “Your life is in danger.”

Both men in the room froze. Erwin, who was still kneeling down in front of Vanya, even leaned further towards her.

“How?” He sounded more curious than scared for his life.

“My friends were tasked to kill you,” she said openly though with hesitation. Vanya was expecting some sort of reaction from the deputy but surprisingly, Erwin still managed to look composed even after hearing what she just said.

“As I suspected,” Erwin said under his breath. “What else?”

“They told me that they also had to steal an important document that was in your hands. Now I don’t know what that is but it sounds like Lovof didn’t want those documents to fall in the wrong hands.”

Erwin looked back at Mike, exchanging critically serious looks as if they knew the exact documents Vanya was referring.

“Thank you for informing me this,” Erwin looked at Vanya with genuine eyes. She nodded in response.

“May I ask what documents they are after?” she asked, intrigued.

“Evidences of Lovof’s corruption. The man was allegedly involved with bribery, embezzlement, and extortion. He wanted the Survey Corps defunded so that he could have the funds for himself and the Military Police. And I have recorded every single misconduct in that document.”

“So how will you plan on hiding it from my friends? They’re thieves, they can easily snatch it from you.”

“That will no longer be necessary. I will have it submitted to the Commander-in-Chief within the day, courtesy of you informing Lovof’s scheme to us,” Erwin gave a look of appreciation to Vanya.

“But how will you evade my friends before they get the chance to… kill you?” she asked worriedly.

“Nothing you should be concerned about,” Erwin said reassuringly. “Though I need to catch your friends in the act. That alone is another crucial evidence to Lovof’s foulplay. Before they kill me, they should be able to get the documents first.”

“Perhaps you could plant a fake document on you? All the more it will lead them to you.”

“I’m quite surprised how willing you are to take part in deceiving your friends,” Erwin smirked. “I will keep that suggestion in mind.”

“It’s for their own good too,” Vanya sighed.

“I’m glad you’re realizing the importance of what we’re doing. It’s for -- “

“The sake of humanity, I know, I know,” she finished his sentence wearily. “I just hope that whatever chess game we’re taking part in right now, you have the upperhand.”

“Trust me, Vanya,” Erwin said. “I’m always two steps forward, sacrificing a few pawns if I’ll have to. And I assure you, Lovof will be the one resigning in the end.”

Vanya silently prayed that Levi, Furlan, and Isabel weren’t going to be the unfortunate pawns that will be eliminated from the chessboard.

“I stand by what I told you two days ago,” she said confidently. “I trust you, just like what my brother did to the very end.”

“And so will I stand by what I said as well, that I’ll do whatever it takes to not let you down,” Erwin’s eyes glistened proudly.

He finally stood up from his kneeling position and nodded formally at the woman. “Thank you for your cooperation, Vanya. You’ve done well and I will see to it that your compliance will be compensated.”

“Of course,” she replied. “If it means taking a step further to reaching the dream.”

“For the greater good,” Erwin added profoundly.

Vanya gave a small smile but it soon disappeared when she remembered her friends’ whereabouts. “My friends, they’re on a heist right now with their gears and they’re expecting you to make contact. Perhaps now is the perfect time for you to confront them.”

Upon hearing this, Erwin perked, keen about the idea. “Excellent.”

He turned back to his fellow Scout who was already waiting for his deputy’s orders. “Mike, call for back-up now. We’re about to deal with highly trained ODM gear users -- tailing them will not be easy.”

“Right away,” Mike saluted, a fist to his chest, before he briskly went to the door and walked out of the house.

“I’ll be seeing you very soon, Vanya.” There was a small hint of delight in the way Erwin had said it. He was about to follow Mike and walk out but Vanya’s voice stopped him.

“Wait!” she yelped, panicky.

Erwin looked over his shoulder and raised his eyebrows inquisitively at the woman who remained sitting weakly at the couch.

Vanya looked troubled and desperate as she regarded the deputy with begging eyes.

“Are you going to hurt them?”

Erwin looked at her for a moment with an unreadable expression. She felt her heartbeat go erratic over the possibility of her friends being harmed.

“If it comes to that, then I apologize in advance.”

The man grimaced and looked away before he finally walked out of the door shortly.

Vanya, now alone in the house, closed her eyes, breathed deeply and slowly started counting to 100. She focused on calming herself down as she recounted the events that transpired just minutes ago. First, she was lying to the faces of her friends and now she was conspiring against them with the very man they were tasked to kill

_Crazy day..._

When she finished counting, she sighed once again just to keep her sanity together. When she opened her eyes, she suddenly knew what to do.

And so, she reached for her crutches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking around on a Red day was the worst decision Vanya had ever made.

On such days, she would usually be curling in her bed as she tried to hold her tears from the throbbing pain all over her legs. But as Vanya found herself haphazardly limping down the grimy streets with two crutches to find where her friends had flown off to, she knew she had to do it. She needed to be there to witness how everything would fall down once Erwin caught them.

Luckily, it wasn’t that difficult tracking them down. Because seeing six Survey Corps soldiers whisking through the air as they chased after three thugs was a thrilling sight no person in the Underground would want to miss. Frisky children were running and hollering after them, and men and women stopped doing their activities to watch that it didn’t take long for Vanya to find where the soldiers had cornered her three best friends.

She heard the clanking of chains and sounds of whiny struggles somewhere not far from the spot she was hiding. Vanya followed the sound until beyond the building from where she was standing, she saw Erwin’s tall stature facing away from her and in front of him were her friends.

Furlan, Isabel, and Levi all helplessly knelt down with their cuffed hands behind their backs. They no longer had their gears strapped on them, most probably confiscated by the Scouts. Furlan was in his usual ruminative composure, Isabel’s jaws were clenched from how hard she was restraining her temper, and Levi’s face was hidden by his dark bangs as he slouched and stared into the muddy puddle in front of him.

Vanya tried her best to stay quiet behind the scenes but she was worried about her heart beating too fast that they might hear it. She couldn’t allow her friends to know that she had something to do with their current circumstance.

“You’re their leader, right?” Erwin stepped closer to Levi who wasn’t even looking at him.

When the impassive man didn’t respond, Erwin asked once more, “Were you trained in the military?”

Again, silence from Levi.

And then, Mike, who was standing just behind Levi, suddenly grabbed his head and forcefully slammed his face onto the puddle.

Furlan and Isabel gasped from the sides and even Vanya, who could no longer keep herself quiet, yelped a squirmish noise.

Everyone heard her. Vanya panicked and instantly slapped her hand onto her mouth but forgot that she was holding a crutch. As a result, the wooden stick fell onto the ground and the piercing clattering sound alarmed the Scouts soldiers of the clumsy girl’s hidden spot. Isabel and Furlan exchanged wary looks and poor Levi, whose face was still drowning in the puddle, stopped struggling against Mike’s grip when he heard the noise -- he knew that sound.

It was the same clattering sound Levi heard when Vanya threw her crutches onto the ground in frustration the first time she had to use it.

“Who’s there?” Erwin bellowed, his eyes darting to the wall where Vanya was hiding. “Show yourself!”

The girl bit her quivering lips as she pressed herself firmly against the wall even if there was no point in hiding anymore.

When Vanya didn’t answer, Erwin turned to one Scout and jerked his chin towards the girl’s direction.

Right when the redhead was starting to inch further away despite the growing pain on her legs, she suddenly squealed when she felt a strong pair of hands grabbing her shoulders.

“No, let go of me!” she screeched as the soldier held both of her hands behind her and dragged her to where the rest gathered.

She cried out in anguish, almost tearing up, as the man mercilessly hauled her while her aching legs scraped limply against the ground. As much as Vanya tried to stand upright, her legs would only end up collapsing, sending a rush of pain through her bones like thousands of needles piercing her skin all at the same time.

“Sis?!” Isabel exclaimed.

“No, stop! Don’t do that to her, you’re hurting her!” Furlan begged, breaking free from his calm demeanor.

The Scout didn’t listen as he continuously dragged the frail girl to the center while she continuously cried out in agony and only then did Levi finally snap.

“I will fucking kill you if you don’t let her go right this instant.”

Even when his infuriated face was still buried on the ground, his cold-blooded voice was so terrifying that it made everyone flinch and the man that was holding Vanya freeze on his spot.

Levi made a guttural sound as he craned his head against Mike’s hand to look at the Scout with menacing steel eyes.

“Take your filthy hands off of her now,” he spat threateningly.

The man, who was already trembling in fear at the deadly look on Levi’s face, turned to Erwin for his instructions.

For a moment, the shade of guilt and pity flashed in the deputy’s blue eyes as he looked down on Vanya who was wincing and shaking in pain on the ground. He didn’t look too pleased at the way his subordinate was holding her as if she was some ragdoll or prisoner that he could just carelessly drag around. But he quickly hid all his emotions, aware that the three thugs couldn’t know that he was affiliated with the woman.

So, with a stolid façade, Erwin nodded at the Scout to let the poor girl go.

When the man obeyed, Vanya’s whole body dropped flat onto the dirty ground as she desperately gasped for air. She looked so small and vulnerable, curling on the ground, her red hair sprawled messily around her head, and her face twisted in fatigue. When she opened her eyes, she met Erwin’s cold face looking down on her with a hidden message in his eyes.

_Trust me_ , it seemed to say. But at this point, everything for Vanya appeared hazy that she wasn’t able to catch his message.

Erwin broke their eye contact and faced Levi’s bent figure. “So you _can_ speak?”

Levi only grunted in reply, struggling under Mike’s grip. At this point, he looked like a wild animal ready to pounce but couldn't when he was being restrained.

Erwin followed where Levi was looking at and it led the blonde man back to Vanya’s delicate figure. Erwin slightly perked in realization at the way the thug was protectively looking at her.

“I’ll ask one more time,” the deputy said more firmly. “Where did you learn to use the ODM gear?”

“Not from anyone, we learned it by ourselves!” Furlan exclaimed angrily.

“Self-taught you say? I don’t buy it,” Erwin glared suspiciously.

“It’s just so we’re able to rise even a bit in this dirty garbage place,” Furlan returned his glare but more intensely. “People who are used to sunlight like you guys won’t understand!”

“That’s enough, let bro go!” Isabel piped in with the same ferocity. “Don’t be cocky just because you’re soldiers!”

Vanya couldn’t hear anything more than that when she began to feel dizzy. The voices around her became muffled as the pain continuously pulsated within her.

But she could recognize Erwin’s and Levi’s voices exchanging words. Though she couldn’t understand most of the conversation, she was able to hear Erwin say, “Join the Survey Corps.”

“And if I refuse?” Levi asked, sitting upright

“You will be handed to the Military Police where you and your friends won’t be treated nicely,” Erwin said, walking away from him and stopping in front of Vanya’s weak body. “Even she will be handed to the police as she is considered to be an accomplice of yours. With her condition, I doubt she’ll last long in a cell.”

When Vanya heard this, her eyes abruptly shot up and once again, making eye contact with Erwin.

_That wasn’t part of our deal…_ She felt the anger and betrayal bubbling inside her but she was still hurting too much to feel all the hateful emotions towards him.

“Fine,” Levi spat, like spewing poisons out his lips. “I’ll join the Survey Corps,” he said as his gaze landed on Vanya.

He would do anything for her to be safe.

“Very well,” Erwin said in content, walking away. “We’ll bring you to the surface shortly.”

“Wait!” Furlan yelped out, halting everyone’s movements.

“What?” Erwin narrowed his eyes as he looked back at him.

Furlan looked around him as if he was searching for something among the faces of the Scouts surrounding them. But when he realized he couldn’t find it, he faced the deputy. “There’s a man we know who was supposed to enlist into the Survey Corps years ago.”

“Give me a name,” commanded Erwin.

Furlan grimaced for a split second.

“Cedric Ronan.”

Suddenly, all the pain in Vanya’s bones dissipated. She jerked at the sound of her brother’s name on Furlan’s lips as she sat up painstakingly.

And then, tears started to fill her eyes when she realized that they didn’t know.

“You mean, Lance Corporal Cedric Ronan?” Erwin asked but his voice started to become quieter.

“What did you just say?” Furlan asked, whispering with wide eyes.

Levi, too, tensed at the honorific affixed to his best friend’s name. He started to become more alarmed when he saw the tears streaming down on Vanya’s cheeks.

_Why is she crying?_

“We’re talking about the same Cedric Ronan, right? Black hair, and green eyes?” Furlan asked further but assertively this time.

Erwin’s face obscured as he looked down at his feet in regret.

“Yes, the same Cedric Ronan who was killed in action as of our latest expedition.”

The tears from Vanya’s eyes didn’t stop spilling when she watched Furlan’s and Levi’s faces transition from anger, shock to numbness.

But what was more heartbreaking was the devastated and horrified look in Furlan’s eyes. Levi’s face was distraught and vulnerable but Furlan’s was much more extreme and fervent. He looked even more broken and shattered than the way Vanya looked when she first heard the news.

“No.. no.. no…” Furlan whimpered, sniffing when he started tearing up. “That’s… that’s not Cedric. You’re mistaken, that’s not the Ced I know!”

Erwin pursed his lips. “I’m sorry but -- “

“SHUT UP! CEDRIC’S NOT DEAD, HE CAN’T BE!”

Furlan’s thunderous voice pierced through the cold and glum atmosphere, silencing the deputy. Vanya wanted to crawl to her best friend, reach out and take him into her small arms as he cried his weak heart out. He bent forward, towards the ground as he began to wail out in anguish and the haunting sounds from his chest didn’t do anything to keep Vanya’s heart from crumbling any further.

She wanted to move closer to him -- she badly wanted to but she was too shocked at the harrowing sight of Furlan’s state.

Vanya could only sit there, idle and numb, as Furlan’s body crumpled and his mournful cries filled the hollows of the night.

And she realized that this wasn’t just a man who lost his best friend.

This was a broken man who lost the love of his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, this marks the end of the "Life in the Underground" arc. 
> 
> I hope you understand now why Furlan was so immature when he didn't want Vanya to be part of the gang in the first place. Poor guy, he was just in love. And the thought of the person you're in love with leaving you behind selfishly really hurts. Siggghhhhh
> 
> The next arc will be about Vanya's first experience on the surface and my God, the drama will really begin. You will be seeing ALOT OF ERWIN in the next chapters and it's gonna be crazy. And not only that, the fate of Isabel and Furlan :( SHIT IM NOT READY TO WRITE THAT UGH IM SO TIRED OF WRITING ABOUT PAIN LIKE GIVE ME A BREAK ISAYAMA. 
> 
> I'm honestly not sure when I'll publish the next chapter. Maybe next year first week of 2021? Perhaps I'll be taking a break for a while because I haven't done a single school work that's due in the first of January oof. My fault, sorry!
> 
> So, uhmm see you next year? I hope you guys were able to have a wonderful time celebrating the holidays hehe
> 
> Till the next chapter!
> 
> Frankie xo


	19. Under the Light, Part 1: A New Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What better way to start a new arc than reading a chapter of 11,000 words that narrated a one hour scene? ;)

**_Year 844_ **

****

_Everything felt so fast yet so slow. The world never stopped turning but the mind never stopped reminiscing._

_For one moment, Vanya was no more than a brittle 21-year-old, whose heart and mind were so fragile and weak as her bones that could no longer support her._

_But suddenly, she was 10 again with eyes studded with hope, her mind as bright as the sun, and her heart so vehement drawn by the afterglow of her youth._

_“Mama, is that all the bread we have?” the 10-year-old asked with a pout as she greedily licked off every crumb on her plate._

_“I’m afraid so, sweetheart,” Lily frowned as she thought about the empty and dusty pantry along with the prospect of having to endure another harsh winter in starvation._

_“But I’m still…”_

_Hungry._

_Vanya wanted to say it but realized how selfish and ungrateful it seemed when her mother already gave her last slice of bread to the younger girl without hesitation. Vanya could still hear the growling of her mother’s stomach, which only made the guilt in her chest worsen._

_“Here, take mine.” Cedric, who just turned 16 years old, slid his last slice of his precious share onto his sister’s plate._

_Vanya’s eyes widened, her gaze shifting back and forth from the bread to her brother in shock._

_“B-but you haven’t eaten anything today…”_

_The smile that appeared on Cedric’s face was soft and melancholic as he ruffled his sister’s bangs. “As long as you’re eating, I’ll be fine.”_

_The young girl bit her lips. She was about to protest when a familiar knock on their front door interrupted her._

_Lily, Cedric, and Vanya all turned their heads with curious expressions._

_“Now who could that be?” the mother asked albeit already knowing who it was when the corners of her lips stretched and her tone teasing at its end._

_Vanya’s eyes instantly lit up, sparkling with excitement as she jumped off her chair and dashed to the door. When she pulled the door open, she gasped at the person who greeted her with a warm smile._

_“Papa!”_

_The girl instantly attacked the handsome man with a hug as Edward chuckled delightedly, embracing his daughter back._

_“Goodness, did my little bug get prettier?” Edward cheekily said, kneeling down to inspect Vanya’s face._

_“You just saw me last week, papa,” the girl rolled her eyes as he tugged at his arm and dragged him giddily into the house._

_When they both stood at the dining area, Lily was already on her feet and wrapped her arms around her husband’s neck. “Welcome home, darling,” she whispered, planting a chaste kiss on his cheek._

_“I missed you,” Edward kissed her cheek back as his lovestruck eyes beamed at her like his wife was the most beautiful gemstone one has ever laid their eyes on._

_When the man turned to the table, he saw Cedric, who remained seated on his chair with a stiff and unreadable expression._

_“Papa,” Cedric nodded tersely as if he was greeting a stranger._

_Edward smiled meekly, walking over to him and patted his son’s jet black mop of hair that matched his. The only difference was, Cedric’s hair was long and untidy and Edward’s was perfectly trimmed and gelled to its prudent style._

_“Hello, son,” the man said hesitantly but the tenderness in his tone was still there. Edward had always felt his son’s pent up resentment for him due to his shortcomings in his duty as a father. But nevertheless, Edward had always looked past that and tried to redeem himself by making small endearing gestures towards his son._

_But it appeared that it wasn’t working when Cedric shied away from his father’s hand that was patting his head._

_Vanya frowned as she witnessed the interaction between the two males so she decided to speak up in an attempt to diffuse the tension._

_“Papa, did you bring anything from the surface?” she asked with a small voice, but eyes so big as they blinked expectantly_

_Edward grinned, raising a brown sack bag he was holding all along. “Did I?”_

_Vanya gasped, clasping her hands together as she hopped excitedly. “Oh, I want to see!”_

_If there’s one thing that would never fail to bring joy and thrill to Vanya, it was always the objects her father would bring from the surface. No matter how big or small it was, be it a rustic trinket or a withering petal of a flower, Vanya would always regard these objects as precious treasures._

_The father placed the sack on a chair, reached his hand into the bag and pulled out several things: loaves of stale bread, potatoes, carrots, squash, green beans, corn, and apples. The children and the mother all gawked at the selection of foods and the freshness of its colors. The amount would be enough to last them for another week, though that didn’t mean it would completely satiate Vanya’s voracious appetite._

_“Thank you, Edward,” the mother squeezed her husband’s shoulder affectionately. She was relieved that she won’t be seeing her children’s despondent and starving faces for another week as they beg and steal at the streets._

_“And I have something else for my little bug,” Edward winked before he pulled out a small glass jar filled with green leaves with serrated edges._

_It was nothing like Vanya had ever seen before that she couldn’t help but stare at it with wide eyes in amazement. “What’s that?”_

_Edward unscrewed the lid of the jar and instantly, the minty aroma effusing from the leaves wafted into the air. Vanya became even more excited when her father pulled out a leaf and waved it in front of her face._

_“This is what you call a catnip,” Edward said._

_“Catnip?” Vanya tilted her head, wondering. She leaned further to take in its refreshing scent. “What does it have to do with cats?”_

_“Everything,” the father chuckled. “Put this near a cat and its scent will stir up their behavior. It’s quite an enjoyable plant for them. It can either appease them or aggravate them.”_

_“You mean, like a drug?”_

_“Precisely, little bug.”_

_“But we don’t have a cat,” Vanya frowned as she inspected the leaf in her father’s hand closely. “Why did you bring it?”_

_“That’s because this isn’t only meant for cats,” Edward’s eyes twinkled with fascination. “This also has its own medicinal properties for people.”_

_“Really?” Vanya gasped._

_Edward nodded enthusiastically. “Make this into a tea or a tincture and it will be splendid to treat anxiety, coughs, fever, or even indigestion.”_

_The girl started to jump ecstatically. “Can we make one now, papa?”_

_The father looked at his wife to see that Lily was already nodding approvingly at him with her angelic and kind smile. When he glanced at Cedric, the boy was trying his best to avoid his father’s gaze, burying the envy he was feeling towards his sister. Edward regretfully looked away._

_“Come on,” he held out his hand in front of Vanya._

_Vanya enthusiastically grabbed his large hand. They were about to walk towards the living room where they usually brew medicines together when they heard a muted rumble around them. The girl was about to speak up when the ground beneath them started to quake violently, sending the furniture and all the objects toppling over._

_“What’s happening?!” Vanya cried out as she tried to stand upright, holding onto Edward’s arm tightly._

_Cedric grabbed onto the table while Lily pressed herself onto the kitchen counter. Everyone panicked as the walls and the ceiling shook with so much force with dusts and pieces of bricks falling all over the place. They could hear the amber glasses shattering, the wooden shelves cracking, and the roof crumbling above them._

_Due to the powerful tremor, Vanya felt her legs giving up on her, losing balance as she collapsed onto the ground. When she tried to grab Edward’s hand, she felt nothing._

_“Papa?” she helplessly called out as she attempted to reach for his arm again._

_She screamed. Because when her hand was about to touch the man’s hand, her hand completely went right through his skin. Like he was a ghost, devoid of any matter. She tried grabbing him again but she only fell forward as her body passed through him as if she was pushing through smoke._

_“Papa, I can’t hold you!” Vanya sobbed but Edward remained frozen on his spot, not noticing her._

_“Papa? Papa, can you hear me?!”_

_By this time, the whole interior of the house was a wreck but the shaking didn’t stop. The next thing Vanya saw was Cedric, along with their mother and father, were huddled together in fear at the center of all the wreckage while Vanya was a few feet away from them, lying weakly at the living room._

_“Help me!” the poor girl yelped. She tried to stand on her knees even if the shaking made it impossible but she suddenly felt a harsh spasm vibrating in her legs, followed by a shot of pain that made her scream._

_Vanya convulsed, hugging her legs to make the pain go away but it didn’t stop._

_“Mama! Papa! Cedric!” she thrashed around, trying to reach out her arms to them but they couldn’t hear her._

_Her family was hugging each other tightly in the middle. Lily was crying, Cedric was cowering in her arms while Edward had both of his arms wrapped around them protectively._

_Vanya felt betrayed. Here she was, with the pain in her limbs torturing her, as she stared at her family ignoring her as they protected each other in the earthquake without her._

_In the next blink of her eyes, Vanya felt an invisible force pulling her out of the house._

_“No, no, no!” she shrieked, watching her family slipping far away from her as she flew backwards._

_The house started to shake even more violently until the roof collapsed and fell onto the remaining members inside. The sounds of the floors creaking, the walls crashing in, and the stones hitting skin and bones deafened her ears as she watched the building crumble like a fragile sandcastle or wobbling house of cards._

_Vanya cried out in horror as every brick that pieced what used to be her home was no more than a mountain of rubbles and concrete with her dead family within._

_Out of nowhere, she felt something sticky and thick in her hands. When she looked down, she saw her hands soaked with crimson blood, her fingers dripping with the oozing metallic-stenched liquid._

_Vanya screamed once again in horror as she held out her hands in front of her face. It wasn’t her blood, she was certain. Suddenly, she heard a man moaning in pain. Her eyes flicked upwards and saw a man lying down, facing up, on a pool of his own blood._

_There was a deep gash on his forearm and Vanya could see the flesh, his ruptured veins and the sliced bloody tissues against his pale white skin._

_Her devastated house was no longer in front of her. Everything else was pitch black but she could see the dying man as clear as the day. When Vanya squinted her eyes further, she instantly recognized the man._

_It was the man who used to be one of Reed’s gang. And she was the one who killed him._

_“H-help me…” the man moaned towards her._

_“MURDERER!”_

_A voice boomed out in the darkness. Vanya frantically looked around the blackness but saw no one._

_“You killed him!”_

_“You deserve to die, you bitch!”_

_“DIE, DIE, DIE!”_

_Vanya covered her ears and screamed her lungs out to drown out outraged voices._

_“Vanya…”_

_She snapped her eyes open. She knew that kind voice. As she looked up, she saw her best friends standing in the black void, no longer the man she killed._

_It was Isabel and Furlan, standing side by side. Their expressions were dull and empty as they both stared at her with cloudy eyes._

_“What’s happening?” Vanya whispered._

_Her two best friends didn’t say anything. Instead, blood started appearing on them. It trickled from their eyes, nose, ears, and lips, and it diffused profusely from the insides of their skins and through their clothes as if they were pierced by invisible needles all over their bodies._

_Vanya watched in shock, her jaws dropped and her traumatized eyes bulged._

_“Stop, make it stop!” she screeched desperately, her throat started to hurt. Vanya tried to stand but the pain in her legs forced her into place. Her cheeks were already wet with tears and she couldn’t stop her erratic breathing that she felt her chest aching so much._

_Then, the bloody Isabel and Furlan disappeared in front of her like a phantom departing._

_Vanya reached her arms out to them. “No, don’t go! Please don’t leave me!”_

_Another figure materialized in front of her. This time, it was Levi standing in front of her._

_He didn’t have any blood on him. He looked clean, healthy, and strong -- it was how he normally looked. An invisible wind blew through his dark bangs to reveal a sullen and grim expression._

_“I’m sorry, Vanya…” he uttered hazily._

_“What?” Vanya croaked._

_She wanted to crawl towards him. She wanted him to wrap his arms around her and protect her from this misery. She wanted him to whisper to her ears that she was safe with him and nothing could ever harm her, as long as he was there._

_But a great burst of fire exploded in front of Vanya. She shielded her eyes with her arms from the bright and fiery light and the next thing she heard was Levi screaming in agony._

_“LEVI!”_

_Vanya saw the fire enveloping the man’s small body as it burned him. The flame seethed him until his pale skin turned dark as charcoals and his clothes disintegrated into ashes. His screams echoed throughout the chaos that Vanya was already shaking her head while sobbing._

_“No, you can’t die! No, no, no!” she continuously screamed his name in desperation._

_But her cries became more shrill when another surge of pain coursed through her. It was not just in the legs anymore, it was all over her body._

_“ARRGHHH!”_

_Vanya trembled and dropped onto the black floor, jerking violently like she was experiencing a seizure. She could hear the pain ringing in her skull along with screams she wasn’t sure if it was her or Levi who was still burning in the flames._

_This was it, she was going to die. The agony in her body felt like she was being smashed repeatedly with a hammer on every bone as she weakly watched her best friend dying in front of her at the same time._

_“No…”_

“Vanya!”

_“Don’t die…”_

“S-shit, Vanya!”

_“I love…”_

“VANYA, WAKE UP!”

Vanya shot her eyes wide open but when a bright light beamed into her vision, she instantly shuttered.

“It’s too… bright…” she moaned groggily. Her hands tightened, only to feel something soft in her grip. She hazily realized that she was lying on the softest cotton sheets she had ever touched.

“Open your eyes.”

It was Levi’s muffled voice gently coaxing her. She relaxed at the familiar sound and she started to breathe steadily. But, the fear instantly crept in when she remembered the vision of her ruined house, the man she murdered, and her dead best friends.

“N-no…” she whimpered, afraid that if she opened her eyes, she was going to be sent back into that black hellhole to watch her loved ones die.

“Vanya…” Levi whispered, more tenderly this time. His velvety voice soothed Vanya’s senses “Trust me, open your eyes.”

And, she did. When she slowly peeled her eyes open, she was greeted by the warmth and brilliance of Levi’s lustrous cobalt eyes, staring down at her with worry.

“L-levi?” her small voice cracked. Vanya felt his hands on her shoulder tighten, realizing that he was holding her protectively all along. “What happened?”

“You were having a nightmare,” the man sighed, letting her go. “A bad one. You were shaking around.”

“Oh…” Vanya’s eyes never left his when relief washed over her. He was alive -- gone was the image of him succumbing into the fire.

But when her eyes flicked to the view behind Levi, she was confused to see the lightest shade of the cream ceiling beholding her. It was not the cracked ceiling of their hideout, the mouldy roof of her house, nor the stoney edges of the caverned city.

“Where am I?” she asked, sitting up.

“You’re in a hospital in Stohess.”

Vanya turned to the masculine voice on her left and saw Furlan standing on the other side of the bed as he gazed at her with the same worried expression. Beside him stood Isabel.

“Stohess?” Vanya wondered out loud.

Isabel gave a small smile. “We’re on the surface, sis.”

The younger girl stepped aside and automatically, a luminous ray of light hit Vanya’s face that she had to squint. When she blinked, she finally saw that the light was coming from a large window with sheer white draping not far from where she lied. From the inside, Vanya could see the vast blue skies adorned with wispy white clouds. The sunlight streamed into the room, bounced off the shiny mahogany floors, and casted a soft illumination into her room.

As she continuously surveyed the room, she saw how it was bigger than her own living room. Her bed, as simple as it was, felt lush as compared to the stiff mattress she had in her house. The pillows beneath her felt like heaven, plush and soft. The white cotton blanket that covered her lower body hugged her skin comfortably. There was a small bedside table on her right and on top of it was a vase of colorful flowers. A large wooden cabinet was on the opposite side of the room, against the cream-painted walls. There was also an oak door leading outside. Other than the brown sofa on the side, the clean and fresh room was basically empty.

When Vanya turned back to the faces of her friends, she realized that it was the first time she saw their faces in natural lighting. When the daylight hit Isabel’s hair, Vanya saw how it turned fiery red, shifting to auburn brown, depending on the angle whenever the girl turned her head. Furlan’s blue eyes never glistened this bright, much brighter than crystals. And Levi’s black hair gave a sleek shine with his pale skin glowing against the daylight -- Vanya couldn’t help but think how handsome he was in the daytime.

“You all look nice,” Vanya leaned back onto her pillow as she marveled at the beauty of her best friends basked in the light.

“So do you,” Furlan replied. “I never knew how green your eyes were under the light.”

He looked tired with those dark eyebags -- it was another thing Vanya noticed.

“Thank you…” Vanya smiled weakly.

The images of her nightmare flashed in her mind out of nowhere that she frowned right away. The blood on their faces and the sound of skin burning were still too clear.

“What’s wrong?” Isabel worriedly asked when she noticed the sudden shift of Vanya’s face.

“I…” the woman tried to piece her words together. “I thought I lost all of you… It was in my dream.”

“So you too, huh?” Levi spoke up, arching an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

“We were having nightmares too,” Furlan sighed deeply, raking his hand through his bangs. “We all did. Isabel was crying when she woke up.”

Vanya glanced at Isabel who had her lips pursed tightly. “What did you see?” the older redhead asked.

Isabel paused for a moment, trying to recall her dream. Then, she said, “I remembered how dark and gloomy everything was. I saw my younger self begging in the Underground and the dead people lying at the corners. You see, when I was a kid, I was always hiding. I had to escape from a lot of notorious men to avoid getting sold as a slave and I remembered how I used to be terrified of them. In the dream, everywhere I went, they were there. No matter where I try to hide, they would always appear, ready to kill me.”

Vanya had never seen the girl so disturbed as she recounted her nightmare.

Furlan wrapped his arm around Isabel’s shoulder in comfort.

“What about you, Furlan?” Vanya asked sadly.

“I saw the people I killed in the past,” Furlan grimaced, his eyes darkening. “It was like their ghosts haunted me in my dreams. They were torturing me, trying to tear me apart. Maybe I deserved it. I wasn’t exactly a good person in the Underground, after all.”

He looked like he was about to add something else to the nightmare he had but he stopped himself from sharing any further.

Vanya frowned. “You’re a good person, Furlan. You had no choice -- it’s either you kill or get killed.”

She couldn’t help but relate to his dream when the ghost of the man she killed with her knife appeared in her nightmare. She never told them that and never will she ever plan on doing so in hopes to bury the gruesome memory.

Vanya shook her head and faced Levi whose head was downcast.

“Levi?” she called out carefully.

He didn’t look up, her voice didn’t register into his hearing. It was only when Vanya reached out to touch his arm that he finally looked up.

“What?” he snapped.

“The nightmare,” Vanya said as her thumb stroked the fabric of his sleeve in a comforting manner. “Furlan said we all had one. What was yours?”

Levi stared at her for a moment, unsure whether to disclose the horrors of his dreams.

“Same as his,” he said simply, jerking his chin towards Furlan’s direction

Levi didn’t say that he had dreamt of his mother dying in front of him when he was 9, the time when Kenny had to physically and verbally abuse him just so he could learn how to fight back, and the graphic image of a dying and bleeding Vanya curling weakly on the ground as she shuddered in pain.

“I see…” the woman mumbled, not convinced as she pulled her hand away from him. “I wonder why we all had nightmares about the people in our past.”

“I guess going to the surface made us realize how we lived in a nightmare our whole life,” Furlan answered seriously. “Living down there is the most traumatizing thing any human could experience.”

“You haven’t even seen a Titan yet,” Levi retorted.

“Okay, _second_ most traumatizing thing.”

“Yeah…” Vanya said as she looked around her room once again. She had yet to adjust in a room filled with so much light. “By the way, how did I end up here? Since when did we arrive at the top?”

“Last night, the Scouts captured us, remember that?” Isabel explained for her.

Vanya searched through her memories to recall that event. She recalled her best friends being handcuffed, how a Scout roughly dragged her on the ground, and the seething anger she had for Erwin Smith when he tried to blackmail her and her friends.

“Yes, I remember,” Vanya muttered bitterly.

Isabel continued, “Well, you passed out that night. We didn’t know what to do but that Erwin Smith was kind enough to bring you to the surface with us and get you admitted to a hospital right before Lovof’s men did as part of our deal. He allowed us to stay here with you for one day before he brings us to the headquarters of the Survey Corps.”

 _So Erwin kept his promise to get me treated…_ Vanya thought.

“I never knew that man could be kind,” Furlan added curiously.

“Oy, stop calling him _kind_. The last thing we want is to feel any sort of empathy towards him. We’re tasked to kill him, in case you forgot,” Levi spat. “I bet he’ll be arriving any time soon to pick us up.”

“We can’t kill him yet,” Furlan shook his head. “We need to find the documents first and then we’ll kill him. I think we need to see the content of the document first to know the whole point of this mission. It just doesn’t feel right killing him first.”

“But we can’t read, remember?” Isabel grumbled.

“I can! Well… a little,” the blonde man mumbled, scratching his hair.

It was true, most of them were illiterate. Vanya’s father taught her how to do basic reading, as she needed that skill to read the manuals of recipes from the crates to create her medicines. But other than that, she was still a slow reader. It takes her at least five minutes to read one sentence. Plus, she didn’t know how to write properly.

The only person who can miraculously do both reading and writing manageably enough to function in society was Furlan.

“Fine. When we arrive at the barracks later, we’ll search Erwin’s office,” Levi said sharply.

“So you’re leaving me today?” Vanya frowned, her voice almost whimpering.

“Erwin’s orders,” Furlan sighed. “He wanted us to train right away for the next expedition four months from now.”

“Four months?” Vanya thought how it seemed too fast. Four month until they were sent out of the walls to face those monsters. “B-but… I want to spend more time with you guys, I don’t even know when I’ll get better to visit you at the barracks.”

“Relax, we’re not going to die, sis,” Isabel rolled her eyes while a crow outside the window cawed otherwise.

“My job is to worry,” the older female grunted.

Levi scoffed, “And you’re stellar at it. If that job could only pay, you’d be rich.”

“Perhaps so,” Vanya mumbled, almost smiling at his wry humor. “Although I need to know when I’ll be better. Is there a nurse or a doctor I can talk to?”

“Isabel, call that doctor… uhhh.. Jackson? Jester? I forgot his name,” Furlan said, pushing at Isabel to the door.

“It’s Jaeger, dumbass,” Isabel poked out her tongue. “Jeez, Furlan, you rarely forget things. What’s gotten into you?” she asked but already left the room before the man could answer her.

“Whatever…” Furlan grumbled.

The doctor’s name echoed in Vanya’s head. _Jaeger… Now why does that name sound familiar_?

When it was only the three of them in the room, it was only then did the woman remember something. The atmosphere between them fell, they were all silent -- avoidant and reluctant. It was conspicuous from the way Furlan was constantly swallowing and Levi was looking anywhere else but them.

There was one thing they all had in common. A pain they all collectively shared and it was about time they talked about it together, bringing it into the light, if they wanted to heal together.

“Furlan,” Vanya called out with sadness.

“Yeah?” the man replied, his mind preoccupied.

“I…” she hesitated for a split second. Vanya finally understood why Furlan looked even more drained than usual. His tone didn’t bear the same fortitude and confidence. His posture was more slack and he was more fidgety with his hands than usual.

The last time Vanya saw Furlan, he was crying his heart out. Now, he looked like he was trying his best to keep himself together from falling apart.

“How are you?” Vanya finally asked quietly.

The moment she did, Furlan instantly understood where the conversation was heading. His head dropped and his fist started to shake.

“Marvelous,” he said mockingly.

The woman instantly regretted asking such a dumb and insenstive question. She was about to apologize when Furlan continued.

“He was in my nightmares...”

His face soured as he visualized the horrors he saw in his sleep. Vanya and Levi shared sad looks at each other. The short man, too, looked even more tired and glum than usual.

“Yeah? Maybe you want to talk about it?” she said, almost whispering, as she reached to touch Furlan’s hand.

The blonde man opened his mouth to say something but instantly shut it when he felt his lips shaking too much to formulate words. He stared at Vanya’s small hand on him and thought how similar her touch was to her brother’s: strong, caring and loving.

Furlan had to pull away.

“No, I’d rather not.”

And that was it. The walls Furlan decidedly built to protect his fragile and broken heart was even mightier than the three walls that protected humanity.

There were so many questions she had been dying to ask. Did Cedric know Furlan’s feelings? Did he return it? Was Furlan able to confess before he left the Underground?

Vanya looked down, hurt and dismayed. When she turned to Levi, hoping that maybe he could willingly open his grieving heart to her, she had to mirror her previous reaction when he avoided her eyes.

No one wanted to talk about the death of their best friend -- it was easier that way, it seemed.

Vanya’s lips started to quiver. She wanted to cry in front of them but honestly, she had been doing it for so many times that it now felt useless. It wasn’t going to magically bring her dead brother back to life anyway. But she couldn’t help but feel so lonely, knowing she had to nurse her grieving heart all by herself when Furlan and Levi pushed her help away.

The thought of the three of them healing and moving on together? It didn’t feel like it was going to happen any time soon.

So, Vanya slumped further into her soft bed. Her eyes shifted back and forth between the two men standing on each side of her bed. One was heartbroken and one was too numb to function. But she loved them both dearly even if she had to painfully wait for that very day when these two men will finally open their hearts to her.

The gloomy tension was cut off when the door to her room flew open and Isabel’s chirpy voice rang.

“I got Dr. Jaeger!”

The three lackadaisical people looked up to see Isabel walking in and behind her was an unfamiliar man. The man was quite tall, had long brown hair, a moustache, and teal-green bespectacled eyes. He sported a maroon coat and an ascot on his neck. He had a rather compassionate and gentle aura emitting from him and Vanya instantly knew he was the doctor everyone was mentioning.

“Miss Vanya, how are you feeling?” the doctor asked kindly as he stopped at the foot of her bed.

“Fine, I guess,” Vanya mumbled. When she tried to turn her body to the side, she suddenly felt a sharp pain digging into her hip joints that made her wince. “Ugh… maybe not.”

Levi clicked his tongue in disapproval. “You don’t lie to a doctor, brat.”

“This man is right,” Dr. Jaeger said promptly, nodding at Levi. “It is crucial that you be honest with me so that I can conduct a proper evaluation on your condition. Do you not want to get better as soon as possible?”

The embarrassed woman pouted, catching Levi’s subtle smirk, “I want to.”

“Then it is for your best interest that you inform me right away should you feel any discomfort or progress in your treatment, alright?”

The doctor’s eyes seemed nurturing, almost fatherly. Vanya thought how fortunate she was to have him take care of her.

“I will,” she nodded obediently the way a daughter would when her father would reprimand her. “Doctor, may I know the complete diagnosis of my condition and my treatment? From where we come from, we don’t exactly have licensed doctors so we all call it ‘bone failure’ and we never knew how to cure it.”

“You all come from the Underground, are you not?” Dr. Jaeger asked.

The quartet all looked at each other, wondering how the man knew, before they nodded.

“From our assessment, you have what you call _osteomalacia_ , or simply known as, adult rickets. It explains the pain you feel in your muscles and bones and your legs at the brink of deformation. I suspect that you also have hypocalcaemia based on your teeth and nails -- but we’ll have to run more tests to confirm that. It is common for people in the Underground to have this condition as you don’t get much sunlight and proper diet to sustain your physical health. When you’re deprived of both, you don’t get the Vitamin D and Calcium that you need for your body.”

Vanya suddenly got conscious of her nails. She looked at it and the doctor’s observation was infallible; her nails looked so brittle and dry that she quickly closed her hands and hid it under her blanket.

She was so dazed when she turned to the doctor after hearing him spew jargons. Calcium? Osteomalacia? Hypocalcaemia? What are those? Never had she heard those terms although she had heard her father mention ‘vitamins’ several times and she memorized the 13 basic vitamins along with their unique purposes.

Vanya wanted to ask Dr. Jaeger more about those terms but she didn’t want to embarrass herself any further.

Instead, she veered towards a more imperative question. “Doctor, is my condition…” she gulped before she whispered the last word, “... deadly?”

The doctor’s eyes glinted through his specs in what seemed to be sheer amusement. “You’d be surprised how simple the treatment is. The condition itself isn’t as fatal as you think.”

“But, a lot of people died in the Underground because of that,” Furlan piped in, who also looked as confused as the woman in the bed.

“Indeed. The death rates are quite ghastly but no longer shocking,” Dr. Jaeger mused. “ But you have to understand the complications that come with bone disorders. When common disorders are left untreated in the long run, your body will lack the nutrients, and hormones that it needs to function properly. You will have a weaker immune system. Not to mention, your diet. I surmise that you barely get to eat three times a day in the Underground.”

The doctor sharply looked at Vanya for a moment and she nodded pitifully.

“All the more it contributes to the deterioration and complication of what you call ‘bone failure’. It will eventually make you more susceptible to heart diseases, cancer, and blood pressure concerns. ”

“You said the treatment is _simple._ Does that mean that she will be healed in no time?” Levi interjected with eyes narrowing.

“In about 2-3 months, expect that she can walk properly again seeing that her condition is still at its initial stage, luckily for her. All the patient has to do is to take high doses of vitamin D and Calcium supplements daily, accompanied with more intake of food enriched with the said components, and more exposure to sunlight.”

The treatment was indeed simple -- at least in the standard of the people on the surface.

“What’s wrong, sis? Didn’t you hear? You’ll be normal again in months and that will give you time to spend more time with us before our expedition,” Isabel said as she observed the frown on Vanya’s face.

“It’s just…” Vanya fumbled for words when she felt a strange feeling of frustration swelling in her. “Thousands of people in the Underground died because of my condition. They all fought so hard to get the cure, suffered everyday waking up to the feeling of pain, until eventually they died on the streets with no one giving a damn about them and you tell me that the treatment was actually just so _simple_?”

Vanya felt insulted, disgusted, and _degraded_. Her heart suddenly felt too heavy as she remembered the nameless corpses in the outskirts of the Underground plaza, the naked children with deformed limbs waddling about as they begged, and her mother dying in front of her as she held her lifeless hands. All of those circumstances could have been prevented if only the people on the surface offered their _oh-so-simple_ treatment to the ones who needed it.

Never had Vanya found the social disparity within humanity to be so sickening.

“Vanya,” Levi said seriously, placing a hand on her shoulder to tame her.

“You know I’m right,” she scowled, crossing her arms. “People up here treat us like roaches. They don’t give a damn about us if we die down there.”

Levi, Furlan, and Isabel all pursed their lips awkwardly, knowing that their best friend couldn’t be more right. But Dr. Jaeger didn’t look deterred at all at the redhead’s outburst. He maintained his calm composure, his gentle gaze was still unwavering.   
  


“Miss Vanya, believe me when I say that I do share your sentiments about the oppressive system we live in,” Dr. Jaeger said soundly.

“Yeah? Well, what do you know?” Vanya jeered. She was tired of holding herself from speaking up, not when the people she grew up with in the Underground were victims of the institutionalized inequality.

“A lot more than I could bear,” the doctor replied lamentably, his stare became more serious tenfold. “Soon you will realize that each and every one of us, be it from the Underground or the surface, are all roaches within these walls that they proclaim to be invincible. There will come a time when you recognize that real selfishness isn’t found not just on top but far beyond the walls that cage us from the truth. And I’m not just pertaining to the Titans themselves. I’m pertaining to something else much more evil.”

Everyone else in the room went quiet. It was in the way the doctor’s voice was bearing an omen that only he knew of -- it was clear that this man wasn’t just _any_ doctor. They all stared at him with a mixture of astonishment and fear of the unknown. What else could be more evil than the Titans?

When the silence lasted for a bit too long for their liking, Dr. Jaeger eventually had to clear his throat and speak, “Do you have any more questions regarding your condition, Miss Vanya?”

Vanya’s frustration dissipated the more she blinked, she felt herself relaxing as she released all the tension in her. She wished she could ask more about what he knew but she couldn’t -- she was too mentally drained.

She sighed, “You said that my treatment will take up to three months. Does that mean that I’ll have to be confined in this room until then?”

The doctor looked pleased when she finally changed topics. He responded to her with his curt tone, “Technically, you are highly encouraged to go outside to obtain the sunlight your body needs. The hospital has a courtyard where patients can stroll around for leisure, you are free to visit that area under the supervision of a staff member.”

“But I can’t leave the hospital?”

“Well,” Dr. Jaeger mused. “The treatment doesn’t actually require you to be in the facilities of the hospital. We can already give you the supplies of the supplements you’ll be taking daily, have you discharged and contact you for monitoring. However, it was personally requested that you stay in the premises until you are fully healed.”

Vanya’s eyebrows furrowed. “On whose request?”

“Mine.”

A blunt but feminine voice spoke behind them.

When they all turned their heads, they were greeted by the sight of a tall and slender woman who appeared to be in her mid-50’s. Her dark blonde hair with white streaks was pulled sleekly into a high bun. Everything about her features were perfectly carved and sharp: from her arched eyebrows, high cheekbones, long nose, up to the frigid mask on her intimidating hazel eyes. The stilted elderly woman looked like she was off to a funeral; her long dress was plum-colored that almost looked black and she held a cane with an intricate gilded handle. Against the light refracting through the windows, her emerald earrings and brooch gave a boastful glimmer, which indicated that she was a woman of power and nobility. The only spot where her pale skin was revealed was her face since her high white collars and gloves covered her neck and hands respectively.

The woman emitted an aura of a domineering matron, someone you wouldn’t dare to lay your eyes on if you didn’t want to end up getting bruises on your palms from the cane she was holding.

“Directress,” Dr. Jaeger gave a small bow as he acknowledged the cold woman courteously.

The directress of the Stohess Medical Institute remained unmoving at the door. She raised an eyebrow at him. “I see you have oriented our patient, Grisha,” she said with a crisp voice that sounded like a strict disciplinarian.

“Not enough to fully satisfy Miss Vanya’s confusion,” Dr. Jaeger gestured at Vanya’s face that looked so lost. And the looks of her friends were no different.

“I’m sorry but who are you?” Vanya asked, eyeing the noble woman suspiciously.

The directress strutted forward with her black heeled boots and her cane clicking at every step. She stopped at the foot of her bed beside Dr. Jaeger, her height towering over her friends that they had to step cautiously away from her forbidding presence. Isabel slightly cowered behind Furlan while Levi glowered harshly at the woman, not wanting the elderly woman near Vanya.

“I’ve been meaning to meet you for an awfully long time, Vanya Ronan,” the woman smiled coldly and the appearance of it sent goosebumps in Vanya’s senses.

“Do I know you?” the redhead, who was trying her best to hide the anxiousness in her voice, asked challengingly.

“You should. That is, if your father had mentioned to you.”

Vanya’s eyes bulged, she felt her chest tighten. “How do you know my father?”

The directress raised her chin and tightened her grip on her cane in front of her to exude a more regal stature. She glanced at Dr. Jaeger momentarily, catching his serious eyes before turning back to Vanya.

“My name is Victoria Claire.”

Vanya sat forward in surprise. “Claire? How are you related to my father?”

Victoria smirked.

“I am Edward’s lawful wife.”

Vanya sucked in a hefty breath as her jaws flew open while Furlan and Isabel whipped their heads back and forth between Vanya and Victoria.

“Well, this is fucked up,” Levi muttered dryly.

Victoria glared at the raven-haired man who was standing too close at Vanya’s side. “You best watch your vulgar mouth and learn the decorums of living on the surface, you Underground scoundrel.”

Levi gritted his teeth. He was about to step forward, curse even more, and make hell break loose at the pompous woman when Vanya grabbed his wrist to stop him. When Levi looked down at her, she shook his head, mouthing the word: “ _No_.” So, he stopped, but not without cussing under his breath inaudibly.

Vanya let go of his wrist and faced Victoria with a calm and undaunted look to match the directress’ ever so smug one.

“So, you’re my father’s rightful wife, is that right?”

“As I said,” Victoria said.

“Which makes my mother his mistress, then? With me and my brother his illegitimate children?”

“That is correct.”

“And all along he was lying to our faces every time he visited us in the Underground?”

“I’m pleased at how well you easily pick up things.”

Vanya wanted to deny it, she really did. She wanted to scream at the woman’s eagle-like face that she was wrong, that this old hag was just manipulating her with lies and her stupid emerald earrings. Or perhaps Vanya still hadn’t woken up from her nightmare, that she was still dreaming and that she would wake up any moment. But when she consolidated all the facts, all the times her father was seldom present during Cedric’s childhood, and how she used to beg for him to stay in the Underground with them for the rest of their lives only to for him to refuse because he had other “priorities” on the surface, everything seemed to weave itself into the ugliest piece of truth Vanya had ever faced.

Vanya’s father had a different family on the surface.

It was like swallowing nails and needles, trying to stomach the vileness of her reality. Reality? Was it really? Vanya didn’t know what was real anymore. All the moments when Edward taught her to brew medicine and stitch wounds, the way he looked smittenly at Lily with so much affection, and how he tried his best to prove to be a worthy father: were they all real? Was his love real?

“I don’t… understand…” Vanya stared at her trembling knuckles that were crumpling the sheets. The plethora of emotions all spun inside her like a tornado. Anger, sadness, and betrayal twisted against each other but for some reason, Vanya could only feel numb.

“Neither do I,” Victoria said, cold on the surface but deep down, hurting the same way as Vanya.

“How did you find out?” the younger woman asked.

“For someone bearing a great deal of secrets, the man wasn’t the most clandestine,” Victoria said bitterly. “It didn’t take long for me to notice his frequent excursions to Mitras. I thought he travelled there to offer his services to the nobles. I didn’t realize sooner that he was actually descending into the city under the capital and dealing with other _affairs_ for two decades.”

“Learning a mistress is one thing. How did you know he had a family?”

“Young lady, a lot can transpire in twenty years while being in an affair,” replied Victoria tauntingly. “Edward would always be carrying feminine trinkets and treats whenever he would go to Mitras. I suspected that it was for his mistress until I saw him carrying a priceless porcelain doll with red hair. Surely that isn’t something you would gift to a secret lover.”

This triggered another memory in Vanya. On her 8th birthday, her father gifted her the most beautiful doll she had ever seen -- a doll that resembled her. She remembered its yellow ruffled dress, the white lacy bonnet, the subtle pink taint on its cream white skin, the shiny green marbles in its eye sockets and its fiery red wig that was curled to the ends. Though Edward had it meticulously designed to look like her, Vanya always knew that never in a million years would she ever look like the doll when she wore her tattered frock, and frizzy dead hair.

“It was for me…” Vanya mumbled. She still had that doll stored safely in her bedroom in the Underground though it would have had collected so much dust by now.

“As I assumed,” Victoria said. “So, I sent my footman to follow him down the Underground. And from there, I discovered he had a family. A pathetic midwife for a lover and two insolent rascals for children all under a ramshackled roof for a shelter. A charming household, I might say. Pitiful, but charming.”

And that was it -- that was all it took for Vanya to snap.

It all happened in a flash. One moment, she was just sitting up idly under the cotton covers of her bed. But the next thing everyone saw, something overtook her. Her blanket was yanked to the side as Vanya angrily crawled towards the end of her bed where Victoria stood, not caring how she slightly stumbled on her knees due to her weak bones.

Vanya growled, baring her teeth, as she raised her hands, ready to lash out and claw at the old woman with her nails. But Levi and Furlan were already quick on their feet as they held the enraged and frenzied woman back down.

Victoria screamed as she scurried and cowered behind Dr. Jaeger, who still managed to look composed and unbothered.

“Listen up, you bitch!” Vanya venomously snarled whilst struggling from the men’s grip. She made hissing and guttural noises when she tried to pull her arms in hopes to pluck out Victoria’s sleek bun but Levi restraining her made it impossible.

“First of all, don’t you ever, I mean _ever_ , dare speak ill of my dead family again! Do that again and I swear to the goddamn Walls, you’ll be the one dead!” Vanya yelled out.

“Vanya, stop it,” Levi hissed as he mustered all his strength to tame her.

But she ignored him as she continued, her voice more ruthless this time, “Second, your pride just can’t accept that the man you wanted would choose a midwife from the Underground over an arrogant directress of some pretentious hospital!”

And finally, she screamed the last words of her rage, “And lastly, my father loves us! He loves me, Cedric, and my mama! What about you?! I bet he couldn’t even stand living with a loathsome hag like you! He’d rather be with us than you, and I bet he even hates you, huh?! Is that right?!”

Vanya knew she struck a chord within Victoria. The older woman’s wide eyes twitched as she froze like a coward behind Dr. Jaeger and for a moment, Vanya thought she saw tears in Victoria’s eyes.

“Answer me, woman!” Vanya demanded furiously when Victoria stayed silent. But this time, the redhead started to pant, catching her breath as it chased her own exhausted fury down. Furlan and Levi’s hands were still on her but they relaxed when Vanya sat back down on her bed, tired.

“You’re right,” Victoria eventually answered.

Vanya was shocked at how eased the old woman sounded.

“He doesn’t love me and I understand his reasons why,” Victoria said nonchalantly. “But what I didn’t understand was why he loves you and your family, some worthless scums living near the sewers. What did he see in you?”

Victoria walked away from the doctor and strided closer to Vanya, who was glaring up at her towering height. The directress leaned forward as she inspected Vanya closely.

“And then I realized there was something special about you that he could see,” Victoria mused.

Surprised, Vanya asked, “What? What could he possibly see in me?”

The directress narrowed her eyes much harsher before it softened.

“Potential.”

The creases between Vanya’s eyebrows wrinkled even more. “Potential?”

Victoria straightened herself as she began to pace around the room cognizantly. The cane she was holding it added a more superior countenance to her strut. She didn’t look old at all with all the vitality in the way she stood. Everyone’s eyes followed her careful and nimble movement.

“I sent my footman down to the Underground more times than you can imagine. From his reports, I then discovered your endeavors in following Edward’s footsteps. Being the city’s trusted medic, an impressive feat for a young destitute like you. Although I wasn’t surprised, seeing that you were under the tutelage of one of the reputable doctors in the interior. Even Grisha couldn’t deny the exceptional skills Edward can pass on, am I right, doctor?”

Victoria sharply gazed at Dr. Jaeger, who stood silently and didn’t reply.

“You hired someone to follow me around?” Vanya asked, appalled.

“I had to know your worth. You, being a promising tutee of my husband’s expertise, it sparked my curiosity.” Victoria said as she stopped at the middle of the room. “I decided that I should perhaps extend my generosity for you to prove your potential in the medical field.”

“Generosity? You didn’t even offer me anything besides letting me stay here in this hospital.”

Victoria raised an eyebrow, pleasantly surprised.

“My, perhaps Edward forgot to teach you manners. Is that your way of expressing your gratitude for all the times I’ve had those crates delivered to you regularly?”

“Hold on,” Furlan spoke up from the side. “You mean, you’re the one who has been sending those supplies to her house?”

“I see how those supplies have greatly benefitted your gang numerous times,” Victoria smirked.

Vanya was speechless as she gawked. She recalled all the lives she had saved (and tried to save) and all the times those boxes of supplies had helped her find a purpose in the city. For the longest time, she felt indebted to the unknown sender only to find out that the sender happened to be the very woman whom she just had to loathe with all her soul.

“You’re lying… it can’t be you,” Vanya glared.

“Maybe you didn’t like the peaches? Maybe I should’ve sent strawberries instead,” Victoria smiled smugly.

Isabel, the avid consumer of the peaches, gasped. “You sent the peach jams?!”

“Why send her supplies and when she’s the reason why your husband leaves you?” Levi asked impertinently.

“As I’ve said,” Victoria replied. “I needed her to prove her worth to me as a potential medical practitioner,” she said as she strode forward and stopped in front of Levi. The woman had to be at least five inches taller than him but that didn’t disrupt Levi’s lethal stare on her.

“Levi, isn’t it?” she asked.

Levi’s eyes dilated for a split second before he grunted in response.

“You see, Levi, when I see greatness, I take it,” Victoria emphasized every word, her face matched the deadliness of his eyes. “I couldn’t care less if she is an illegitimate daughter outside our family but Vanya Ronan has proven to be a valuable asset and I wish to take her under my wing and have her skills honed.”

“In other words, you wish to use her to your advantage?” Levi retorted.

“Think of it as a repayment for all the supplies I whole-heartedly gave her for so many years,” Victoria flashed the stunned redhead with a condescending smile.

“Whole-hearted, my ass,” Levi grumbled but good thing, Victoria didn’t hear.

The directress then turned to Vanya, exuding confidence and determination. “Vanya, I have no other intention but to make you the greatest practitioner in the field. I am willing to invest all my resources for your education and practicum for as long as you serve and learn under my discretion. My institution will teach you the truest ways of what it means to be a professional physician serving the people of these Walls. With your talent, you will be saving countless lives and that is the grandest honor any individual could possibly have.”

Vanya tried to search Victoria’s eyes for any signs of deceit; but she couldn’t see any. Instead, Vanya saw a promising ambition as the sunlight hit Victoria’s eyes. Needless to say, Victoria Claire was indeed a woman of character and zeal. Though stringent and cunning, there was no hiding that the directress was always in pursuant to the path of perfection.

Suddenly, the younger woman felt a novel respect towards the older woman.

“Okay…” Vanya said softly because honestly, she felt like she didn’t even have a choice. “But don’t misunderstand that I already trust you -- I haven’t, at least not yet. I am doing this not to prove my worth to you but because I know this is my purpose, following my father’s footsteps has been my dream and if it means rising out of the station which you people from the surface look down on, then I will gladly take it,” she finished with voice of resolution.

Victoria finally smiled -- a tiny one. Though restrained but nonetheless, genuine.

But there was another question that had been pestering Vanya for the past hour the moment Victoria introduced herself to her. Vanya began to gulp.

“Where is my father?”

All the pride in Victoria’s face faded. Vanya noticed how the woman loosened her grip on her cane.

“I cannot answer that,” Victoria answered discreetly.

This didn’t please Vanya. “And why not?”

Victoria sighed, her existing wrinkles became more evident as she adorned a troubled look.

“Because I do not know the answer.”

“You’re his lawful wife,” Vanya snapped. “Shouldn’t you know your husband’s whereabouts? I haven’t seen him for six years.”

“I, too, haven’t seen him for six years,” Victoria snapped back.

Vanya felt her body go slack in defeat. “What do you mean…?” she asked languidly.

Victoria sighed. “It was another reason why I had to send a footman numerous times in the Underground. He suddenly disappeared with no note to leave behind. I had people search for him everywhere in every wall but it was hopeless. His belongings are still in our house, he must have left empty-handed.”

Victoria paused with tension. She looked out of the window hazily before continuing.

“Though there was no body found, the Military Police declared him dead as it has been more than four consecutive years of his absence as stipulated in the law.”

All the color and life in Vanya withered away. The luster in her eyes dulled, and she felt her head getting light-headed. Her throat tightened as she tried to swallow the air she had difficulty trying to breathe in.

She hadn’t even fully registered that she was her father’s illegitimate daughter and now she had to know that he was proclaimed dead?

Vanya felt someone touching her shoulder. When she looked up, she saw it was Isabel looking sadly at her. Levi and Furlan stood still beside each other, wanting to hold her too but were too hesitant to do so.

Vanya looked around her and caught Dr. Jaeger’s elusive expression. Even after the outburst she had, the stunt she pulled to lash at Victoria, and the break of the tragic news of his fellow doctor being dead, he still managed to look so put together, the way a doctor’s professional demeanor should be. But it felt too odd.

A knock on the door sounded out of the blue, its sporadic timing almost made Vanya jump.

“You three,” the directress snapped, eyeing Levi, Isabel, and Furlan scornfully one by one. It seemed that she was already expecting the knock. “I believe there is a high-ranking officer waiting for you outside to transport you to your respective headquarters.”

“Now?!” Isabel exclaimed.

Victoria’s gaze grew even harsher. “Yes, silly girl. Now.”

The woman looked over her shoulder and called out towards the door. “You may come in, deputy.”

The door opened and the familiar face of Erwin Smith, who was waiting outside all along, entered the room, wearing his usual Scouts uniform but without the cloak and the gear. Vanya had to instantly look away, remembering what he did to her and her best friends.

“Thank you for your hospitality once again, directress,” Erwin said respectfully.

“My utmost pleasure,” Victoria nodded, sharp eyes glossed with delight.

Vanya silently watched the interaction between the two, questioning if their exchange of words had an underlying agenda.

“B-but we can’t leave yet, sis needs us right now!” Isabel whined.

It only sank into Vanya the thought that she wouldn’t be seeing her best friends for the next three months. They were going to be busy with training while she had to be stuck within Wall Sina for her treatment and the whole idea of it suddenly made her anxious. Levi, Furlan, and Isabel were everything to her, they were her pillar, the only people who made her feel safe and she’d be _nothing_ without them.

“Please, I don’t want them to go yet,” Vanya begged weakly.

“We have no choice, Vanya. We had an agreement,” Furlan said, dismayed.

“No, please...” Vanya’s breathing began to quicken and her chest started to squeeze uncomfortably.

“With all due respect, Vanya, they must be sent to the barracks immediately,” Erwin told her.

Vanya shook her head aggressively, almost in a panic. “I c-can’t be alone here, I j-just can’t -- I’ll go insane!”

Victoria gave her a stern face. “Young lady, don’t be ridiculous. They need to go _now_!”

“NO!”

When Vanya looked around, she saw six pairs of eyes closing in on her and suddenly, she started to feel like their tensed looks were constricting her lungs, choking her. She felt room shrinking and the cream walls encaging her that she found it hard to breathe.

Her mind started racing turbulently.

She was going to be **_alone_**.

Levi, Furlan, and Isabel would be far away from her.

Cedric, her mama, and her papa were gone forever -- dead.

She was no longer in the familiar haven of the Underground but in the unknowns of the surface.

Everything was _too_ bright.

The sunlight grazed her eyes, she was blind.

She wanted to crawl back into the darkness of the caverned city.

Her bones hurt, her muscles were screaming in misery --

She felt like she was going to **_die_**. And she was going to be **_alone_** _._

The world around her was spinning, crumbling, and shattering, and she was being hurled right back into her horrific nightmare once again.

And then, she started hyperventilating. Sweating. Shaking. Sobbing. The tears wouldn’t stop falling as she started bawling her eyes out, wailing.

Her heart was beating too fast that her chest started to hurt. Dizziness and nausea pounded in her head when she felt everything before her eyes whirling. Everything was no more than blurred streams of colors blending sporadically; her hands started to tingle and there was a tumultuous ringing in her ears -- she was going to **_die_**. And she was going to be **_alone_**.

“What’s happening to her?!”

“Vanya! Oy, Vanya!”

“GRISHA, CALL FOR EMERGENCY NOW!”

Vanya heard so many loud voices clashing against each other in the bleariness that she slapped her hands to her ears to shield herself from the noise.

She could feel jittery hands grabbing her shoulders, frantic fingers cupping her cheeks but the first thing she saw among the blur was Dr. Jaeger’s tall silhouette stepping closer to her air -- she suddenly panicked, sensing incoming danger prickling at every corner.

“No, no, no, don’t come near me!” Vanya cried out, flailing her hands, thrashing around, as she hastily crawled backwards until she felt her back hitting the harsh metal railings of the bed frame.

She pulled her knees to her chest, compressing both of her ears with her hands tightly as she squeezed her eyes shut. She succumbed into the darkness, still hyperventilating, with the panicked voices around her growing louder.

She saw the visions in her nightmares reeling in but this time, it wasn’t the people in her past suffering -- this time, it was her.

She saw herself buried deep down among the stones of the earthquake-devastated house. Instead of the stranger she had killed, she saw herself lying dead in the pool of her own fresh blood with her arms sliced open. And then, she was catching on fire all over her body, with the flames scorching every fiber of her skin.

She was going to **_die_**. And she was going to be **_alone_**.

“Stop…” She sobbed in the darkness, hugging her knees closer.

She was going to **_die_**. And she was going to be **_alone_**.

“GRISHA, SEND HER -- “

“DON’T FUCKING COME ANY CLOSER TO HER!”

She was going to **_die_**. And she was going to be **_al_** \--

“Vanya…”

The same voice that woke her up from her nightmare gently whispered against her hand-covered ear.

“Vanya…” the gentle voice said again, echoing soundly into the walls of the blackness like a piano chord reverberating mellifluously in a cathedral.

Vanya shivered but her breathing began to slow down. She felt her heart relaxing but she was still too shaken to open her eyes.

“Shhh…”

She felt something soft pressed against her sweaty forehead. The familiar calloused hands carefully removed her hands from her ears and their hands placed on each side of her head, kneading into her hair delicately.

“I’m here…” the voice whispered so close against her lips. “I’m here… breathe in and out with me, will you?”

Vanya found herself nodding meekly, still with eyes shut.

“Okay, good... Follow me, alright?”

She heard the person inhaling and exhaling deeply, so she followed suit. But her chest sputtered, her breathing was ragged and when the person holding her felt this, they still continued to coax her.

“Just continue breathing with me, Vanya...”

So, she continued. She inhaled and exhaled obediently until eventually, her breathing was now smooth and her chest moved with ease.

As she continued to breathe, she could hear the person hushing again, so mellow, almost lovingly.

“You’re safe… I got you… Nothing’s going to hurt you, I’m here and you’re **_not alone_** …”

And Vanya believed that person. She always did, no matter what that person said, she would always keep their words in her heart.

When she finally fluttered her tear-stained eyes open, she was met by the misty blue-grey eyes of her best friend.

“Hi…” Levi whispered as he continued to press his forehead against hers.

“Hello…” she whispered back, blinking droopily as she felt herself relaxing even more since Levi didn’t stop caressing her hair with both of his hands.

The only thing that mattered at that moment was Levi sitting crossed-legs on the bed in front of her and merely centimeters apart from her. Vanya didn’t care about the other people in the room staring at them as they were amazed and shocked at how Levi handled her.

Furlan and Isabel sat closely behind Levi; Victoria still had her hands clutched on Dr. Jaeger’s arms from her previous moments of trying to suppress her panic while Erwin stood frozen, but wary of the close proximity between Levi and Vanya.

But Vanya didn’t care about them. The only thing she cared about right now was the safety and belongingness she was feeling in the close presence of Levi.

“Please don’t go,” she mewled as she raised her hands to cup his cheeks to pull his face even closer until their noses were touching.

Levi breathed. “You know we can’t... I would stay with you but I can’t.”

Vanya felt tears welling up again. “But I’ll be **_alone_**.”

“H-hey, hey…” Levi said hastily when he saw her tears. He gently wiped them away with his thumb. “You’re **_not alone_** , you hear me? We’ll be writing you letters.”

“But you can’t write,” Vanya frowned, pouting.

“Then I’ll learn how to. I bet it’s easy.”

“It’s not,” Furlan grumbled.

“Shut up,” Isabel hit the blonde man’s arm.

Vanya felt her corners of her lips lifting as she suppressed a giggle.

“Then, I’ll be waiting for it,” she gave a small smile.

And Levi returned it. “You better.”

“Levi,” Furlan laid a hand on the man’s shoulder. “We have to go now.”

Levi sighed, his hands lingering in Vanya’s hair as if he wasn’t ready to let go. But eventually, he delicately slid his fingers down, trailing along her long strands, along the curves of her ears and jaw, until he was no longer touching her.

Vanya, too, dropped her hands from his cheeks hesitantly, and her smile was instantly replaced with a wistful look. They both leaned back from each other, now conscious of everyone watching them and their intimate interaction.

“Here,” Levi said as he dug into his pocket and pulled out his dainty white handkerchief that was neatly folded. “Keep this.”

Vanya gingerly took it from him, stroking her fingers against the fabric like a piece of treasure.

“Okay.”

Her three best friends rose from her bed as they walked towards Erwin who was silently observing all along.

“We’re ready,” Levi shifted back to his cold look as he grunted at the tall blonde man.

Erwin gestured to the door, signaling them to exit first before him.

Levi subtly rolled his eyes as he made his way to the door. But before the three went out, they looked over their shoulder to look at Vanya one last time.

She was wearing a hospital gown that hung loosely, concealing her skinny body. She was clutching his handkerchief like it was her lifeline. Her eyes were still sore from crying and her cheeks were still flushed. But when the window behind her filtered the rays of light into the room, showering her with its morning radiance, her hair shifted to the most fervent shade of red, as red as the love in Levi’s heart that blazed only for her.

And as Levi stood before the door, staring at the way the sun kissed her, he realized how breathtakingly beautiful Vanya was under the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THE NEW ARC BEGINS!!!!
> 
> I'm telling you now, Vanya in this arc will be more flawed and complex. The next chapters will tackle more issues about mental health because our redhead heroine is going through some tough shit :( Also, I made some research and discovered that apparently, people who grew up in poverty are more likely to have PTSD, depression, anxiety and the like. That's why she and the trio were having nightmares about the Underground. If you didn't notice, the breakdown Vanya had was a panic attack, poor girl huuuu. More on that soon. 
> 
> More drama coming up, it's gonna be complicated. Expect more Erwin cus he will appear in almost every chapter, yikes. 
> 
> Also, I have absolutely no idea how medical practices worked in their era. I'm estimating that it's like the Victorian-ish type of technology so medicine is pretty primitive. Welp, please bear with me if some medical scenes are a bit off, I will try my best!
> 
> I honestly don't know when will my next update be because holiday break is over and my classes just started once again and you know how bitchy college is. So maybe updates will be once in two weeks? I have no idea ahhh!! I hope you stay tuned for it :( 
> 
> Till the next chapter!
> 
> Frankie xo


	20. Second Interlude: A Diary Entry

**_Year ???_ **

_Dear Diary,_

_Honestly, I’ve no idea what to write about as this day was just as mundane as any other day. Well, I just turned 17 today but what’s so special about a day becoming a year older? Sure, mayhaps I’ve become wiser, grew a tad bit taller, and I’d like to fool myself by thinking that I’ve at least developed a more alluring aesthetic to my physical attributes, enough for me to look decent when I stand next to Marjorie, the prettiest girl in our batch at nursing training. But woe is me, I could only dream. Oh it kills me to know what she did in her past life for her to garner so much attention among the gentleman in this life. I know she is my dearest friend but sometimes, when I see her curly golden locks, cornflower eyes and her porcelain complexion, I cannot deny the envy that I feel. Though my competence surpasses hers in our training, at the end of the day, handsome suitors would rather chase for dainty looks than brilliant minds._

_Marjorie came to my 17th birthday celebration at our estate and Mother was more than delighted to have her -- more delighted than her own daughter’s 17th birthday. I’ve never seen Mother so happy when she was introducing Marjorie to my cousins. Perhaps Mother wanted her to be married into the family, Marjorie’s doll-like features would be a refreshing sight to behold among the sea of plain-looking faces with black hair and green eyes, the common qualities of our esteemed clan._

_So yes, I can dare say that my birthday celebration was a bore. Mother wouldn’t stop harassing the servants when they were refurnishing the whole parlor for my party. Would you believe that it took them two dreadful hours hanging up the tinsels at the foyer just because of Mother’s fastidiousness when it comes to the placement of the ornaments? Honestly, I bet Mother just wanted to make this whole mansion look even more lavish for the whole sake of acquiring validation from the visitors. If only she knew that the Tyburs declined the invitation..._

_I’d rather celebrate my mundane-but-special day strolling around the plaza and watch the airships flying above us. A leisure I used to do with my brother all the time -- God, I miss Eddie so much. There’s nothing more I’d wish on my birthday than to have him home again._

_Every night I worry for him. I pray that he’s safe and that those monstrous bastards have not corrupted him in that God-forsaken island._

_Until now, I could not grasp why it had to be him. I’m most certain that there are other dexterous candidates in the Titans Society and yet they still chose him, a full blooded Marleyan from a reputable family, to be shipped off to that vile place just to find that precious plant for that revolutionary weapon of a serum the research organization has been innovating._

_Knowing Eddie, he still saw his mission as an honor. I’m still livid that he accepted the role so easily. Who would want to spend their days searching that place laden with those devil locals? But I know he will do well. Soon, the waiting will be over and that he will come home as he brings glory to our country the same way those Eldian Warriors will._

_When he comes back with that plant successfully, that will uplift the honor of our clan even higher._

_And maybe, just maybe, handsome suitors would finally come knocking on my door when that day comes._

_Well, I’m afraid this is it for now and I will write again soon._

_Edelia_


	21. Under the Light, Part 2: Wonders of Laudanum

**Year 844**

Upon further diagnosis done by Dr. Jaeger, Vanya discovered that the intense fit she had experienced a week ago right before her three best friends left her was called an "attack". Or at least that was what medical experts had tentatively coined. Apparently, knowledge and studies revolving episodic disorders were still scarce with the primitive technology humanity had within the walls.

Never had she experienced these attacks before nor had she witnessed a case during her days as a medic in the Underground. And the limited research on the nature of its occurrence and remedy hardly did anything to pacify her malaise.

The feeling of having all her air getting knocked out of her lungs, the wrenching burn in her chest, and the ceaseless whispers of death beckoning her made her in every way paranoid. Each and every second of the day Vanya lived in fear of the next moment the attack would strike.

Because the attacks didn't just happen once -- it striked two more times in the most inconvenient moments within the week that followed. The second time happened the day after the trio had gone to Wall Rose. Vanya was tossing and turning aimlessly in her bed to sleep that night when it rattled her out of nowhere that she was forced to stay awake all night, hyperventilating and crying until the weariness and exhaustion dozed her to a restless slumber.

The third time was the tipping point -- most especially for Victoria who had been rigidly warding the girl from a distance.

"What is that?" Vanya observed her personal nurse, named Maya, who came into her private room with Victoria. The nurse, who looked a few years older than Vanya, brought in her tray of the medications she had to take regularly.

"Your supplements, Miss Vanya," answered Nurse Maya promptly as she played the tray on the bedside table.

"No, I mean," the curious patient pointed at the small corked glass bottle beside the pills. "That." 

Vanya squinted her eyes to read the label that was almost wearing off. "Mother Bailey's Quieting Syrup... Huh."

"A miracle remedy, this little guy," Victoria smirked.

"For what? Why would you want to _quiet_ me?"

"Think of it as a tincture that can aid you in your... mental impairment."

Vanya was taken aback, drawing an offended look. "You think I've gone mad?"

"I think your episodic reactions have greatly disrupted your daily functioning and I cannot allow that in my hospital most especially when I have my most respectable surgeons doing their duties while you throw a fit behind them," Victoria rebuked.

Vanya squinched into the covers of her bed in shame.

Victoria continued, sounding much more stern. "I granted you a rare opportunity for you to observe a very complicated bypass surgery as a prelude to your formal medical training three day ago. Not everyone gets the chance to observe these procedures. Amongst the interns and the residents who had shed blood, sweat, and tears just to have your slot in that operating room, I expected you to be in your best behavior. Not for you to have one of your attacks at the most taxing time. Have you any idea how you almost jeopardized the procedure? The patient, coming from a well-off family, almost died and had that happened, you would be shouldering accountability."

Vanya's head fell with sheer disgrace, her lips quivered as she mumbled, "I'm sorry..."

She remembered how bright it was in the operating room days ago. The large room itself with rustic accents was round, the mahogany walls were sleek, and the ceilings were high with glass panes to let the sunlight peak through the grand space. It almost resembled a theater; it was filled with wooden elevated rows of seats surrounding the operating table at the center and Vanya recalled the faces that occupied those rows, other than the primary surgeons at the center of the room. There were observing doctors, nurses, bright-eyed medical students aspiring to be the one performing the surgery, and for some reason, noble men with their expensive coats and top hats who watched the whole scene for entertainment instead of educational purposes. Vanya didn't know why or how a group of rich men, who had nothing to do with the practice, were even present in the room but they were sat at the last top row, far behind everyone else.

Each level corresponded to the degree of roles each attendee had for the surgery. First rows were the medical professionals assigned in the procedure, the middle for the students, and the back were for people who had the free time (and money) to witness a mind-gobbling and retch-inducing scene. And Vanya just so happened to have the pleasure and privilege of sitting at the very front row with Victoria and Dr. Jaeger by her side, giving them a graphic and detailed panorama of the unconscious patient's open chest.

She remembered how people there interacted with such professional brevity. Doctors regarded each other with crisp nods, exchanges of one or two words, and maybe a few raised eyebrows here and there. Even the students didn't move a muscle albeit the excitement of observing a surgery was clear in their eyes.

And somehow, something sparked in her heart: she wanted to be part of that scene.

But when Vanya, on a wheelchair, entered the room with Victoria and Dr. Jaeger, that's when the curious and derogatory gazes on her commenced.

_"Who's that handicapped girl sitting in front of us? Who does she think she is to have that spot?"_

_"Be quiet, she's with the directress. Lady Victoria will kill you."_

_"I heard she's a peasant from the Underground."_

_"Well, I'll do you one better; I heard she's the daughter of the great Dr. Edward Claire. May his soul rest in peace."_

_"You're jesting!"_

_"Well, illegitimate daughter."_

_"Ah, that explains her greasy ginger hair. Someone give the poor girl some lye."_

_"Why is she in a wheelchair?"_

_"Underground rickets, as usual. I still don't understand why they bring those cases to the surface. They should just stay in the ghastly slums for our benefit. It will save us our precious depleting resources and not to mention, spare us from the germs and infections those peasants carry with them. Surely, we wouldn't want another epidemic to occur."_

_"Shhh! The girl just turned around. I think she heard us."_

Vanya did hear them. Loud and clear. It was only then she realized that bustling people of status from the surface frequently fed on gossip and Vanya surely fulfilled their satiety to the brim.

Because of that, everything in that majestic operating room aggravated Vanya's anxiety that was trying to rip through her chest.

The dropping temperature in the room, the occasional clanks from the steel surgical instruments, the putrid stench of flesh and blood doused with sedatives and alcohol, the whispers from strangers, belittling eyes, the prestige the people emanated, and the whole ordeal of an Underground peasant sitting in a room full of society's proudest members all seemed to fuse together, and eventually orchestrated the impending anxiety attack, until Vanya finally _lost_ it.

Needless to say, it disrupted the whole solemnity of the surgery. Everyone stood and thought the girl on the wheelchair was having a heart attack. In fact, it would've been her on the operating table if it weren't for Victoria and Dr. Jaeger's joint effort of reassuring everyone in the room that her earthshaking behavior wasn't out of normalcy.

Thereafter, Vanya was immediately wheeled out of the room where fresh air was as Dr. Jaeger tried his best to calm her feverish state.

"I was able to handle it that time," Vanya grumbled as she swallowed her pills after reminiscing that horrific experience in the operating room.

"My child, that scoundrel's handkerchief can only do so much," Victoria chided, focusing on the white cloth Vanya was fidgeting with in her hands.

Vanya grimaced and stared at Levi's handkerchief: she was always holding it ever since he left.

That time, in the midst of her attack outside the operating room, Dr. Jaeger was in distress. His efforts came futile when Vanya's shallow breathing and trembling didn't stop. But when the girl instinctively reached for her pocket and felt the familiar soft texture of the handkerchief, a hush wave washed over her and in an instant, like some sort of sorcery, she calmed down. All the residue of the attack gradually faded away -- all because of a piece of cloth.

"It's the only thing that keeps me sane," she whispered inaudibly.

Victoria approached her bed, grabbing the tincture bottle from the nurse's grip with her gloved hand. "This solution will do a better job at that."

Vanya's face shot the bottle in the elder's hand with distrust. "May I take a closer look at it?"

"Be my guest," Victoria smoothly replied as she handed Vanya the bottle.

The first thing Vanya saw was a murky printed illustration of an old woman carrying a baby -- the logo, she guessed -- plastered on the tattered label. Then, she read the descriptions under the logo.

_Mother Bailey's Quieting Syrup  
_ _ONLY 25 CENTS!  
_ _The Great Remedy For Children  
_ _Contains XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX  
_ _Sure to Regulate Bowels; allays all Pain; corrects Acidity of the Stomach; makes sick and weak children STRONG and HEALTHY; cures Wind Colic, Griping, Inflammation of the Bowels, and all complaints arising from the effects of Teething. And gives Mothers rest by day and by night._

"Sounds... sketchy," Vanya muttered. "What exactly is this? A bit too ambitious with its claims, don't you think?"

"You will thank me for it when you take it," Victoria said snappily.

"But it's for _children_."

"My child, this medicine is versatile. Even that tincture has greatly helped me in my times of difficulty."

"What kind of difficulty?"

Victoria's face wrinkled with spite. "None of your concern. Now take it."

"Wait," Vanya cut in. She eyed the label once more. "Why is the list of ingredients redacted?"

"It's a secret family recipe, you will have to ask at Mother Bailey's grave for that since she died 20 years ago," Victoria scoffed. "Though I assure you that the components are guaranteed safe. Every person within these walls has this in their pantries and the performance of this solution is infallible. Am I right, nurse Maya?"

"Yes, directress!" the nurse standing behind her clumsily stammered. "My mother drinks that. Actually, a bit too --"

"No one asked you to explain," Victoria cut her off harshly.

Vanya stared at them; she noticed the delusive front on their faces. The nurse was biting her lips shut but Victoria looked contrived and austere as she always was.

"Now, open your mouth, young lady," the old woman coldly instructed.

"But --"

"Do you want to experience another attack again?"

Vanya's eyes plummeted.

"No."

"Then open up and drink your medicine."

The redhead flashed the tincture bottle with a defeated look. Her instincts told her that she was going to regret taking it. It felt too odd consuming a medicine without the list of ingredients. If the logo of the motherly woman with the baby glued to the bottle was supposed to provide any piece of reassurance, then Vanya would gladly not want any of it.

But damn, she really _needed_ something to stop the attacks.

"Fine."

Vanya opened up her mouth, with her tongue pulled out.

Victoria's lips curled in what was supposed to be a triumphant smile. But it looked out of place in her usual dignified and stoic disposition. She uncorked the bottle and the room was instantly filled with the pungent scent of alcohol. Vanya's face scrunched in disgust but Victoria's and the nurse's neutral expressions were indicative of how familiar they already were with the revolting smell.

Growing up, Vanya was already well-acquainted with tinctures and their high alcohol content (hence, the stocks of vodka Levi would persistently hide from her in the basement). But Mother Bailey had truly outdid herself since her "syrup" had to be the most potent-smelling tincture Vanya had ever smelled in her life.

Victoria picked up a dropper, dispensed some of the brick-colored solution and hovered it above Vanya's awaiting tongue.

The older woman did six drops. With every drop, Vanya's eyes shut tighter due to how strongly bitter the taste was. Almost like tasting a rusty sheet of discarded metal.

How could something so repulsive be formulated for children? She could imagine the sour faces children would pull and their whiny voices complaining and cursing Mother Bailey -- whoever the dear woman was -- to the heavens.

"That should do it," Victoria said delightedly, pushing the cork back into the bottle.

Vanya experimentally lapped the liquid with her tongue, enduring through the revolting taste until she made her brave decision of swallowing it.

That moment would've been the perfect moment for her to say the F word out loud for the first time to the mother in the logo.

"Okay," Vanya shuddered at the burning sensation in her throat. "What now?"

"Give it a few minutes and the effect should settle in," said Victoria, placing the bottle back onto the tray. There was a subtle spark in her eyes. A tiny spark of excitement.

Vanya leaned back and sighed. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't terrified of the effects that would arise in any minute. She tried to stabilize her breathing, counted the seconds, and focused on the curtains dancing with the blowing breeze by her window.

"A bit too worried, are we?" Victoria smirked at her evidently perturbed state.

Vanya grunted, "Worried that maybe you just offered me poison? Yes."

"How foolish of you to think I'd commit something so diabolical at the cost of losing my hard-earned license," Victoria scoffed. Vanya duly noted how the directress cared more about losing her license than losing her husband's illegitimate daughter -- not surprising. "Trust me, the medicine does wonders. _Much_ wonders, it did to me."

This piqued Vanya's interest. "Then, surely you had a _mental impairment_ as I had at one point in your life. Am I right?" It was her turn to smirk.

Insulted, Victoria rushed to defend herself. "You are in no position to create such supposition, young lady."

"So it's a yes?"

"I had my own share of afflictions in my past that impeded my daily living. But the point still stands: the syrup is as effective as it can be and I am living testimony of that," was what Victoria only said.

The younger girl didn't look content with Victoria's vague answer. Nonetheless, she took it as a yes.

"The label says that it offers remedy for teething, pain, digestion problems. Clearly it should only resolve physiological concerns and nothing about mental or behavioral problems. Why offer me this, then?" Vanya questioned.

"Must you always bring a pocketful of inquiries wherever you go?"

"I am your patient, and I believe I have the right to be fully informed of the true nature of whatever medications prescribed for my diagnosis."

"And I was once merely a struggling female physician in this chauvinistic society. I had committedly endeavored to excel in my field of practice until the role of directress of this prestigious medical institution was accorded to me. An honor not easily handed to any women on a silver platter in this society abhorrently dominated by men, in retrospect, seeing the long line of previous male predecessors of my position as director," Victoria rebutted with ease.

"Need I hardly say how this qualifies me to prescribe your medications. People would call me directress or Lady but at the end of that day, I am still an outstanding doctor first and foremost that which should give you sufficient reasons not to doubt me."

Vanya crossed her arms and glared at her lap, resembling a stubborn child who received a scolding.

"I must inform you though, the syrup has calmative properties, nothing too hazardous to the health when taken in moderation," Victoria carried on. "I find it best in alleviating the pain in your bones while simultaneously calming your nerves should you ever feel apprehensive within the day."

"Seems... convenient..." Vanya began to mumble when she started to feel lightheaded.

She blinked slowly, heavy eyed, and her breathing became slow and dense. The sound of her breath smoothly diffusing through her lips reverberated in her ears like hushes lulling her to sleep and when she scanned the room, all the objects and its colors looked fuzzy. She tried to lift her thighs underneath her blanket and to her surprise, she didn't feel any sort of pain that she gasped.

Random thoughts spooled and danced into her mind: _My head feels like it's made of feathers. Victoria's brooch looks so shiny. Ah, the afternoon air feels lovely._

"Oh," she murmured, feeling woozy.

"Directress, I think it's kicking in," Nurse Maya whispered anxiously.

Victoria smiled proudly and haughtily. "Excellent."

The directress sat on the bed beside Vanya and placed her hand on hers. "How are you feeling, my child?"

Vanya almost looked tipsy when she stared at Victoria's gloved hand on hers before lifting her eyes to the older woman's curious and amused expression.

"Fine," Vanya airily said with her green eyes veiled to look so hypnotized.

"You ought to take some rest and sleep it off for the rest of the day. First time users typically would feel drowsy."

"But what if I don't want to rest?" Vanya asked teensily.

Victoria's eyebrows lifted, surprised. "Oh? Then what do you suggest you want to do?"

Vanya slowly turned to the open window. She thought how the blue skies appeared deeper and wider. Like Furlan's bright eyes, definitely not like Levi's stormy ones. Or maybe it resembled Erwin's -- funny how she arbitrarily thought of Erwin. She traced the featherlike clouds, imagining how it would feel to be embraced by its cottony texture. The melodious chitter of the birds seemed to lure her, calling her to step out and relish the sunshine she had been missing out on for 21 years. No, she did not want to rest at all -- that would be a despicable insult to Mother Nature's invitation.

"I want to go outside."

Victoria and Nurse Maya turned to each other for a split second, pleasantly surprised at their sedate patient's request.

"Miss Vanya," the Nurse spoke with concern. "I don't think that's --"

"Let her be," Victoria intervened. "She is our valued patient, after all."

Nurse Maya, who didn't seem too thrilled with the idea, frowned. But she didn't want to lose her job, so she said, "I shall accompany her to the courtyard."

Vanya smiled ambiguously.

"I'd like that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hospital courtyard was the first breathtaking landscape Vanya had ever seen on the surface.

A beautiful garden was enclosed in a quadrangle, bordered by the extravagant gothic architecture of neighboring buildings and other divisions of the hospital. Even so, the garden still mimicked that of a scenery in a post-impressionist painting: the space was adorned with cultivated flowers of different colors, an intermixture of reds, blues, yellows, and pinks strewed across a bed of green grasses against a backdrop of Stohess' invigorating horizon. Fresh shrubs trimmed into distinct shapes and trellises with vines decorated the area with a fountain mounted at the center.

The whole courtyard appeared as a park situated in the expansive grounds of the hospital. Cobblestoned paths circulated the place where patients on wheelchairs absentmindedly steered about. There were middle-aged patients in hospital gowns and pajamas seated blankly on the benches, with their nurses standing with them.

As Nurse Maya wheeled Vanya around the area, the redhead couldn't help but gawk at the beauty of the garden. The colors of the flowerbeds flashed even more vibrant into her eyes. Vanya felt like she was in a fairytale book and she was royalty -- or at least that was what the strange medication was making her feel.

"May I sit on the bench?" asked Vanya lightly.

"Of course," the nurse nodded, leading her to an empty bench by the bushes of blushing tulips.

Vanya unsteadily transferred to the bench but not without Nurse Maya's aid. She slightly felt dizzy when she momentarily stood on her feet but the feeling dissipated when she finally sat on the bench and faced the magnificent fountain while the nurse stationed herself a few feet away from her patient.

For about ten minutes, Vanya savored the serenity of the sound of the glistening fountain water splashing, the bushes swishing with the breeze, and the muffled conversations of staff members roaming the archways that surrounded the courtyard.

"I see you've finally visited the gardens, Miss Vanya."

Vanya blinked, slowly looking up to see Dr. Jaeger standing tall in front of her.

He sighed, "Last time I saw you, you almost endangered a patient's heart surgery. Quite a scene you made back there."

She didn't say anything.

"Victoria must have administered you that ghastly syrup, didn't she?" the doctor said in disappointment, taking a seat beside Vanya. He took in the sight of her clouded green eyes and her lips that were slightly ajar. "You island people, and your crude and undeveloped medicines..."

"What?" the woman finally spoke but still dazed. She didn't exactly hear what he had just said out loud to himself but she caught one unfamiliar word.

"So you can still understand me," Dr. Jaeger dryly uttered.

"Island, you said. What's an island?"

The man gave her a nebulous look, debating in his head whether he should explain. But when he realized that the girl's current level of comprehension was slightly distorted by the tincture, he thought it wouldn't exactly hurt to to tell the half-truth.

"This. This whole place is an island."

"The hospital is an island?"

"No, the very ground we're standing on is an island. Everything within the walls and beyond it. We're all on an island."

"Ah, so that's why we're all _island people,_ Iike you said."

"You people, not me." Dr. Jaeger corrected.

Vanya was puzzled. "How come?"

"It's complicated. And it doesn't matter."

"Oh..." Vanya nodded off absentmindedly.

He was right: it didn't matter and she didn't care about the man's life. She probably thought how useless the information was about the island, just another random fact to add in her random trivia collection that she'll bring up out of the blue when no one's asking or to impress her best friends when they're bored.

_Did you know that the "orange" fruit preceded the "orange" color?_

_Furlan, I bet you didn't know that snails can sleep for three years._

_Apparently, we live on this thing called "island". Cool right?_

Not really a cool trivia but Vanya figured that she'll share it to her friends once they see them in three months -- that is, if she remembers it, considering how sedated she was right now.

"How are you feeling, Miss Vanya?" Dr. Jaeger asked genuinely.

Vanya shrugged, carefree. "I don't feel the ache in my legs and hips."

She thought of stopping right there but for some reason, she wanted to continue.

"And weirdly, I don't feel as sad. And lonely. Hah, that's quite odd. Doctor, have you any idea how many people I've lost these past few months? Three people -- Mama, Cedric, and Papa. Now, my three best friends are far away, so I guess that kinda makes it six in total. Now, I'm all alone in this unwelcoming and rude place of high society. I heard what the other nurses said about me this past week. They say that I don't belong here and I'm better off rotting in the Underground. That I'm a disgrace as an illegitimate daughter of my father. But I can't bring myself to hate them. Because when I see them bustling around, I find them to be so admirable; I'd always think how I also wanted to do what they're doing. Cure others, and save people's lives. Yet, I'm so frustrated and I feel so _dumb_ \-- people look at me like I'm the stupidest person in the room. I hear so many jargons like arrhythmia, cutaneous, hematoma, antibody --"

"You don't know what an antibody is?"

"You're not helping at all," Vanya glared at his condescending look. " _Anywho_ , the point is, there are so many unfortunate things happening in my life right now that I'm starting to feel like I'm cursed. But right now, I feel... fine. Is there something wrong with me?"

Vanya didn't know why she was babbling to the doctor but she knew there was an urge to release her sentiments or else she'll explode and die from the blast.

Surprisingly though, Dr. Jaeger was heedful. He really did look like he was listening.

"Nothing wrong with you, I assure you," he replied. "It's just the laudanum."

"Lau--what?"

"The tincture you just took. I _strongly_ advise you to only take minimal dosage of it."

"The stuff's pretty effective though," Vanya chuckled.

"But it's habit forming," Dr. Jaeger warned.

"Nothing I can't handle," she said with a lazy wave of her hand.

"Just be careful," he said sternly. "Its relieving properties don't outweigh the handful of side effects you'll be experiencing. Nausea, vomiting, headache, fatigue and maybe even hallucinations."

It became silent after Dr. Jaeger had spoken. He decided to give her a piece of advice to what she had just vented.

"And don't worry about feeling like you're the stupidest person in the room."

Vanya lifted her head as she listened.

The doctor continued, "You'd be surprised at how everyone in the room feels the same way as you do -- more than they like to admit. Medical school did a fantastic job at bringing out people's insecurities. But the very moment you think you're the smartest person in the room, that's when you're actually the stupidest. Much more dense than a toddler."

The girl let his words hang in the air.

"I see..." she murmured.

Once another period of quietude stretched between them, it was Vanya's turn to break it.

"Doctor, I have a question."

"Ask away."

Vanya turned her attention to the fountain.

"You knew my father."

Dr. Jaeger's eyes widened and for a moment, panic coursed through him. But he reminded himself that Vanya was probably not in her most sound mind.

"That's not a question," the doctor said coolly. When the girl didn't respond, he continued, "But yes, I did know him."

"I think I read it in a newspaper in the Underground. You two worked together to find the cure to the epidemic that spread years ago here on the surface."

"Yes, yes we did," Dr. Jaeger said, looking at her curiously. "What about it?"

Vanya took a deep and shaky breath and turned back to the doctor. Her eyes were now filled with emotions, the first time since she took the tincture.

"Because right after that happened, he never returned to the Underground since."

The doctor crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at her. "Are you suggesting that I had to do anything with his disappearance?"

"I didn't say that," Vanya pointed out smartly " _You_ just did."

Dr. Jaeger was impressed at how she was able to reason and how sober she acted as if she didn't take the very tincture that caused hundreds of people getting admitted to the hospital due to addiction and overdose. He silently hoped she wouldn't have the same fate.

All of a sudden, Vanya looked at the direction behind the doctor with her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. It was the common expression of the people who were under the influence of the laudanum.

"Doctor, you say that hallucinations are part of the side effects right?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes, that is right."

"Then," Vanya mumbled, her attention still at the sight behind him. "Am I hallucinating or am I really seeing the deputy commander of the Survey corps standing a few feet behind you?"

Dr. Jaeger followed her gaze and looked behind.

Vanya wasn't hallucinating.

Erwin Smith was indeed standing a few feet away from them.

"Deputy," Dr. Jaeger called out cordially.

The tall blonde man wasn't sporting his usual Scouts uniform with the brown jacket and the harnesses. Instead, he was wearing an olive green trench coat, matched with a belt, and the insignia of the Scouts sewn on the breast pocket. He was carrying a satchel as he strode closer to the bench where they both sat. Vanya thought how his outfit made him look taller and more commanding.

"Doctor," Erwin nodded curtly.

He then looked at the disgruntled woman beside the doctor but with a calmer look. "Vanya."

"Why are you here?" The syrup could wear off whatever emotion she was feeling but never the seed of grudge planted for the man who blackmailed her and her friends.

"I was on the way to your room when I met the directress. She informed me that I would see you here," Erwin answered, not deterred by how abrasive (and quite rude) she had asked him.

"What do you need to see me for?" Vanya asked suspiciously.

Before Erwin could tell her, the deputy turned to Dr. Jaeger and made a request, "Dr. Jaeger, I do hope you'll excuse us. This is regarding personal matters."

Vanya looked even more suspiciously.

"Of course," Dr. Jaeger said, standing up. He turned to Vanya with his usual neutral face. "I'll be on my way. Remember what I said, Miss Vanya."

"Which one?" Vanya said.

"Don't try to be the smartest person in the room," the doctor reminded her. "I see a bright future ahead of you."

"I don't," the girl frowned, shaking her head.

"You'll see," Dr. Jaeger nodded at her and back at Erwin before he walked away.

Vanya watched the doctor's silhouette disappearing into the building as she mulled over his words.

When the doctor was out of earshot, Vanya finally shifted her focus to the soldier standing in front of her.

"You think you can actually waltz here and discuss some personal matters with me after what you did to me and my friends?" she questioned but wondered why she didn't sound as pissed as she wanted to be. In fact, Vanya sounded tamed and calm. She internally blamed Mother Bailey for it.

"I never meant to bring _you_ to the police. I needed to say that to get through Levi, seeing that only you in a difficult position could make him talk and agree to come with me."

Erwin gestured to the spot where Dr. Jaeger previously sat. "May I?"

"No."

Vanya watched the small drop in his expectant face. She wanted to curse him, lash out on him just like what she almost did to Victoria on the first day of meeting her. But the sedative in her system restrained her. "You still haven't said what you came here for."

Erwin stood straighter.

"I came here in hopes to bring you to your brother's resting place."

Vanya froze. "Oh..." Her eyes fell to her lap. "And where is that?"

"In Wall Rose. It's a two hour ride going there. If we leave now, we'll arrive there before nightfall." 

"But how do I know I can trust you enough to go with you?" she questioned with an interrogating tone.

Erwin opened his leather satchel, dug his hand into it, and picked out what seemed to look like a dark green blanket -- no, not a blanket, but a cloak. A Survey Corps cloak folded neatly.

"This was Cedric's," he said as he handed it to her.

When Vanya held the cloak and placed it gently on her lap, her hands mindlessly roamed the thick fabric. She thought how kind of Erwin to keep Cedric's cloak in pristine condition. Her fingers traced the patch of the Survey Corps crest and she closed her eyes. She tried to imagine her older brother wearing this with pride and dignity, whizzing through the air with his swords unsheathed as the cape flew behind him.

But she couldn't. There was only a blank slate in her tranquilized mind. She actually thought she was going to cry, but her senses somehow wouldn't let her.

"I don't think I'm allowed to leave the premises," Vanya heard herself say vacantly.

"I was able to sort it with the directress. She allowed me to bring you out of the hospital on the condition that we return before midnight."

Vanya's face ever so slightly piqued. "Really? She did that?"

The man nodded, subtly smiling and wanting to pat himself on the shoulder for being able to elicit a reaction from her that wasn't negative. "Yes, I suggest that we take our leave now if we want to abide by her condition. I wouldn't want to get on the bad side of Lady Victoria."

"You scared of her or something?" Vanya stifled a giggle.

"More than a 15 meter abnormal Titan."

The girl finally released herself and laughed. Even Erwin couldn't hold himself and eventually revealed an endeared smile as he listened to her delighted sound, accompanied by the sound of the fountain and the crickets hiding in the shrubs. He found it quite a lovely sounding symphony.

"Hold on," Vanya said, her laugh fading. She turned behind her and called out to her nurse who was still standing idly a few feet away from them. "Nurse Maya!"

The nurse snapped out of her daze upon hearing her name and rushed to her patient. "Yes, Miss Vanya?"

"Do you happen to know where they kept the brown frock I was wearing when they brought me to the hospital?"

"The plaid one?"

"Yes, that's it."

"It's in the cabinet in your room. Why do you ask?" the nurse inquired.

"Uhhh," Vanya looked at Erwin for a moment before facing her. "He's going to take me somewhere."

Uncertainty spread across Nurse Maya's face. "But I haven't gotten any instruction from the directress about allowing you to leave."

"Lady Victoria instructed me to give you this," Erwin handed a folded piece of paper to the nurse. 

As she read the note, her face relaxed in understanding whatever was written. "Very well," she conceded but froze when she remembered something.

"Oh, uhm, deputy," she fumbled nervously.

"What is it?"

The nurse signaled him to come closer to say something so that Vanya couldn't hear them.

"Uhh, you see, sir, Miss Vanya is currently under sedation," she whispered worriedly.

"Oh..." Erwin said incredulously. He and the nurse peeked at Vanya to see if she was eavesdropping. Fortunately, she was too focused on the butterfly that just landed on her hand and she was cooing at it like a child.

She was definitely sedated.

That also probably explains why she seemed to shift moods easily.

"Will it be safe for her to travel?" the soldier turned back to the nurse furtively.

"Well, the effect should last up to 4 hours or possibly more since it's her first time. It is advisable that she rests since travelling might aggravate the side effects but since the directress granted her to leave then perhaps it shouldn't be too much of a problem."

"I understand," the man nodded.

"Oh and," Nurse Maya leaned even closer as if her next message was the most crucial of all. "If I were you, I'd bring a bag or a bin. Her medications can be nauseating and on the way, she can... you know..."

Erwin perfectly understood right away. "Ah yes, of course. You're right..."

They both turned back to Vanya who was now staring into space at her bench.

"I'll take care of her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wow..."

Vanya said out loud as she ogled at the majestic edifices that lined the common streets of Stohess District through the window of the carriage.

The sleek white marble buildings almost glimmered against the afternoon light as it stood proud and tall. There were structures that had numerous grand pointed towers extending towards the bright skies that Vanya almost had to put her head out to follow where the height of the strong pillars and columns stopped. The stained glassworks of each building gave a prismatic glow when rays of light hit it and the ornate carvings of the structures made the girl wonder how architects had so much time and resources to do it. Stohess was definitely an epitome of brilliant masonry.

Her eyes then followed the people strolling down the clean streets. She wasn't used to seeing pavements with no trash, blood and dead bodies. She admired the outfits of the people with their rich silks, laces and ruffles, velvet top hats, and the pastel colors of the women's dresses. She instantly felt shameful when she stared at her brown dress that looked like a used up rug.

An amalgam of indistinct chatters, gossip and other noises brushed her ears but what caught her attention was the loud and mighty voice bellowing coming from an old man in rich black robes standing at one corner of the street with his arms flailing about.

"Take heed, you people of Stohess! Our God and Savior has revealed to me, his chosen servant, to deliver you a message of His sovereignty! Be earnest and repent for our God will not show mercy to you foul souls who have shamelessly defiled the integrity of the Walls with your impure and unholy artillery! You, who have trusted the military devils to corrupt the sanctity of the Walls, shall pay when the day comes when our God will shower fire and thunder onto you all who sinned!"

"Vanya, I wouldn't poke my head too far out if I were you."

The girl scrambled back to her seat right across the amused Erwin as he watched her gape at the district. Their carriage trundled on the stony paths, transporting them to wherever her brother was for two hours.

"What was that old priest prattling about God, and defiling the Walls?" Vanya asked, brimming with so much curiosity.

"It's best that you don't pay attention to any word they say. They're from a cult that worships the Walls. They think they're the greatest gift bestowed by whatever God they're worshipping," Erwin explained but not without sounding resentful.

"And I take that you're the 'military devils' that they're condemning?" the girl presumed.

"Yes, it's all too ridiculous," Erwin sighed.

Vanya grinned. "But quite fascinating."

"Don't tell me you're actually thinking of becoming one of their followers."

"Me? Oh please!" she scoffed. "It's just intriguing how humans are capable of believing in something far bigger than themselves, no matter how ridiculous it seemed."

Erwin leaned closer, interested. "Well do you believe in something far bigger than yourself?"

"No. Well, at least, not yet," Vanya slumped, leaning back onto the cushioned seat. "When you spend at least two decades living in a city so miserable and hopeless, the thought of a Lord and Savior would just be a delusional concept so laughable."

"Fair point," the man concurred. He couldn't imagine the tremendous adversities the girl had to endure in the Underground to arrive at that cynical thinking. "Well, hearing you not wanting to join the Wall cult is a relief to hear."

"Who said I didn't want to join?"

Erwin's entire body tensed.

"I'm kidding!" Vanya laughed, hugging her brother's cloak closer to her chest.

The man loosened, releasing his breath. "You should be. Or else your brother, the avid hater of the cult he is, would come out of his grave and scold you."

"I'd like to see that happen," Vanya thought out loud. It was meant to be a lighthearted comment but she suddenly felt melancholic.

Erwin panicked when he saw her change in behavior. "Vanya, I'm sorry --"

"No, no," she waved him off with a tight smile. "It's okay. I think my medication is just making my feelings scatter all over the place, it's crazy."

The man was instantly reminded by the nurse's advice to him.

"Of course, that's understandable. But I still want to apologize for bringing him up, I know it gets quite difficult."

Vanya regarded him with a kind look. "That's thoughtful of you, Erwin."

The man didn't want to admit how immensely gratified and validated he felt when he heard her say those words. So, he returned her smile.

"Oh, uhm, by the way," Vanya cleared her throat. "Do you think we can go somewhere first before we see Cedric?"

"We can do that," Erwin said. "Where do you want to go?"

"Somewhere I can buy flowers. I don't want to go visit my brother, empty-handed," she answered dismally.

"That's fine, there are numerous flower shops in Wall Rose. I'll inform our coachman to make a stop."

Vanya beamed. "Thank you so much!"

Erwin was so sure her smile was some drug when he felt the elation in him just from the sight of her lit face.

"You're welcome, Vanya."

He then proceeded to reach into his satchel and pulled out a small envelope.

"You have letters, by the way."

"For me?" Vanya asked, shocked when she took the crisp envelope from the man.

"From your friends," Erwin added.

She gasped right away in excitement. "But how did you get this?"

"Letters are sent to the post office but the time it takes to be delivered to the recipient is just too awful. It takes about a week or two for a telegram to get to Wall Sina. Since I was going to visit you anyway, I was able to pull some strings and convinced the office to give me the letters instead of having you wait for another week for it to arrive."

"Wow, that's..." Vanya was speechless. "How can I ever repay you?"

"No need," Erwin shook his head.

"Thank you again," she said earnestly before she haphazardly tore the envelope open excitedly.

Two folded pieces of parchment fell on her lap. One was bigger and one was smaller, almost half the size. She unfolded the bigger paper first and instantly recognized Furlan's lopsided handwriting.

_Dear Vanya,_

_It'd be understatement to say how badly Isabel, Levi, and I missed you and it's only been a week! I hope the hospital is treating you well, considering how rude that directress was to us. You better be eating three times a day and loading up with whatever vitamins your doctor was talking about. We really need you to heal quickly because we badly want to see you as soon as possible, it feels incomplete without you._

_Life so far here in the barracks is okay... if you don't consider Isabel causing a few troubles in the officer's kitchen and Levi's shameless disregard for our squad leader. But I don't blame the two, It's just so unbelievable how the people here constantly look down on us like we're just some dumb and useless people from the slums. And here I thought that people on the surface would be more civilized. Training has been tolerable though. We've got a hang of how the swords work, it's lighter than I actually thought. Levi really impressed the officers with it, no surprise there. Isabel has been enjoying horse-riding, you know how that girl loves animals. Oh that girl really, like REALLY misses you a lot. Never missed a day without mentioning your name._

_As for our mission, I don't think we're making much progress though it's only been a week in. I tried getting into Erwin's office but I found no document that seemed to be incriminating. Maybe I haven't looked enough? I'll try harder and hopefully find it before our expedition starts._

_I hope this letter finds you well. I'll be sending more in the following weeks and I know you can't write but we want to hear from you and know how you're doing because really, we've been dying to know. Stay safe and be healthy, alright? I'll write to you again soon._

_Furlan_

_P.S. don't forget to read the tiny paper. It's been a pain in the ass teaching Levi how to write._

Thirty minutes had already elapsed by the time Vanya finished reading. Reading had always been a tiresome activity for her. Her brain really took its generous time in connecting the letters to form words and connecting the words to form sentences. She didn't want to admit it that until now, she had yet to learn how to read faster. Faster than seven year old.

When Vanya read the last line of Furlan's letter, she was suddenly intrigued that she picked the smaller paper a bit too quickly. When she opened it, an unfamiliar and even more lopsided handwriting greeted her that she had to squint her eyes hard to make out the letters.

But Vanya automatically knew in her heart that this letter was Levi's. And with this cryptic handwriting, perhaps it was going to take even more time reading it.

_First of all, don't believe in what Furlan said. He's the one being the pain in the ass, he's a shithead at tutoring people how to write._

_Second, make fun of my calligraphy, and I swear I'll swoop right into Wall Sina and flick your stupid forehead until it's red._

_Third, you better wash my handkerchief. Wash it four times. Don't ask why, just do it._

_Lastly, eat. I don't care what swanky food or gold those wealthy pigs serve you with but just eat. But don't be dumb enough to eat something dangerous for your body. If you don't get better in three months time, I will make sure you regret it. Just stay put there and don't do anything stupid._

_Also, you better learn how to write back. I didn't spend a whole week learning how to read and 5 hours sitting on my ass scribbling the shit out of this paper just to have you not reply. What do you think of me? A saint? Hurry up and write, I don't care how long or short your letter will be. Even just a sentence would suffice and don't you even dare think of cheating and hire someone to write for you, got that brat?_

Levi didn't sign the letter. He didn't need to. The way Vanya could hear his voice while reading it already gave it away. And surprisingly, Vanya finished reading Levi's letter in twenty minutes.

She thought there would be more to his rather aggressive letter when she flipped the paper, only to see the raised dents of the letters from how hard Levi must have applied pressure onto his pen as he wrote on the paper. She frowned, wishing he had said more.

But as she read the sloppy cursives and how the ink bled onto the parchment from how jittery and shaky Levi must have been while he was writing it, she realized she wouldn't ask for anything more. She didn't need him to say how he missed her or that he wished her well. All she wanted was to hear from _him._ And this letter couldn't be more _him_ than ever -- that was more than everything to her.

Vanya reached into the pocket of her dress and pulled Levi's precious handkerchief. She had only washed it once and there were already traces of lint sticking to it. She smiled to herself as she recalled how caring Levi looked when he handed it to her. That time, his eyes had never looked so deep and affectionate -- it made her feel like she was the only person who mattered in his universe that very moment.

Vanya sighed wistfully, folding the handkerchief back in her pocket and keeping the letters into the envelope.

"Are you okay?" Erwin asked when he saw her crestfallen face.

"Yeah," she replied sadly. "I just miss them, that's all."

Vanya closed her eyes and imagined her days in the Underground. She longed to embrace Isabel's tiny body again and hear her sprightly voice. She missed the feeling of Furlan always patting her hair and encouraging her whenever she felt down. Lastly, there was Levi. Vanya couldn't exactly point out what she specifically missed about him but the thought of him would make her heart twist even more painful than the sensation in her bones.

Erwin was watching her brood. Her gloomy disposition seemed to also affect him that he wanted to at least lift her spirits. So he asked her, "Did they mention, by any chance, that they breached my office and searched through my belongings?"

Vanya shot her eyes open, her jaw grew slack.

"How did you..?"

"It was obvious. Your friend, Furlan, isn't as careful as I expected him to be."

"Will they get into trouble?" she asked nervously.

Fortunately, Erwin shook his head reassuringly. "As much as it bothers me to have strangers touching my things, I'll give them an exception. I need them on the field, not in jail or probation."

He didn't mention how it was also because he was doing it for her; he just didn't want to see Vanya looking so distressed for seeing her friends getting into trouble when she was missing them terribly.

Vanya breathed, relieved. "That's good to hear, thank you..."

When Vanya looked out the window, she saw how the skies turned greyer to signify that it was already later in the afternoon. There were no more tall buildings, and signs of the affluent civilization. Instead, she saw green pastures and farmlands, and far ahead was the sun at the end of the valley, just an hour away from meeting the line that meets the land before the moon comes up. She guessed that they were already in Wall Rose.

"Goodness, did I really read that long for us to already be this far from Wall Sina?"

"Yes," Erwin responded. "In a few minutes, we'll be passing by a village and we'll stop by a flower shop."

"Okay," she nodded.

"By the way," he started again but this time, he sounded more careful. "I do hope you don't take any offense when I say this. I just observed that you looked like you were having a difficult time reading there, you were really taking your time."

"No offense taken," Vanya smiled, unfazed. "Most people in the Underground don't know how to read and write. We hardly get any form of education. Perhaps the only things we learn are how to steal, protect ourselves and fight back, though I was never fond of the fighting bit."

"As I've assumed. Even Cedric had to study reading and writing when he first became an officer. It didn't surprise me, though, since illiteracy on the surface is quite common most especially for people in Wall Maria." Erwin said, reminiscing. "But how did you learn how to read?"

"My father taught me," she spoke with nostalgia.

"Father? Cedric didn't mention any father," Erwin replied with questioning eyes.

It was then Vanya realized that Erwin didn't know who their father was; it was only the hospital staff members who figured that she was the daughter of a notable figure.

"I'll tell you some other time," Vanya grimaced, not wanting any more people to know that she was a mistress' offspring.

"I understand..." Erwin said empathically. Soon after, his face slightly perked. "Some other time, you say? Does that suggest that you'll allow me to visit you more often?"

The woman's face flushed. "I mean... I wouldn't mind if you come to the hospital. I have to admit, it gets dreadfully lonely there. A friend dropping by would be quite nice," she stammered shyly.

Erwin tilted his head, his strong blue eyes shimmering with wonder, smirking. "You deem me as a friend?"

Vanya's cheeks turned even redder. She felt so embarrassed, she wanted to slap herself and jump out of the carriage; who was she to have the audacity to call a high-ranking officer that she just met weeks ago as her friend?

Flustered, she stuttered as she hid her face in the fringes of her hair, "I-I didn't mean to assume! I'm sorry, you must think me so bold-faced to even say that! Is it even appropriate for a well-respected deputy of a regiment to be acquainted with someone more pathetic and poor than a commoner? Oh gosh, now I'm just demeaning myself in front of you! How pitiful of me! And now I'm jabbering, and I can't seem to make myself stop. Great, how lovely. Ugh, screw you, meds!"

The chatty woman quickly slapped her hand to her mouth before she even had a chance to squeak something even more unbefitting. The laudanum in her head continued to uncoil through her unconscious, driving her to speak more.

Vanya's face felt hot and her fingernails dug into her skin to stop herself. She never wanted to hurt herself more in shame. She shot her head to the side, embarrassed, dying to look anywhere but Erwin's eyes.

Just as Vanya thought it was going to be the end of her for the rest of the silent and awkward ride, the unexpected happened.

Erwin chuckled. With so much mirth. And... fondness?

Whatever that was saturated in his chuckle, Vanya surely liked hearing it.

Erwin's laugh faded but his eyes were still joyful, "You are truly the most interesting woman I've met yet."

Vanya bit her lips, unsure how to take his words or if she should ever feel affirmed.

The man finally settled with a warm smile. "Listen to me," he said, leaning forward.

His eyes momentarily dropped onto his hands, deep in thoughts on how he was going to deliver his next words. When he looked up, he looked more confident.

"To you, I'm just Erwin, not the deputy commander of the Scouts Regiment. And to me, you're just Vanya, not the commoner who lived a difficult life in the Underground, which in all honesty, sounds as praise-worthy as what a commander does for an entire brigade," he said with eyes twinkling with so much sincerity into her own green ones.

He continued, "And I think that makes the two of us equal, contrary to what you'd like to believe in."

Vanya gave a sheepish smile. "Perhaps..."

The man stared at her smile for a moment, his eyes softening before he said, "And believe me when I say that hearing you considering me as your friend is an honor as rewarding as the other accolades I've achieved."

Vanya blushed. "That sounds a bit too much."

"Maybe to you, but definitely not to me," Erwin said considerately. "I'm happy to be your friend."

The woman blinked a few times to register his words and the gentle expression drawn onto his handsome face.

In the hospital, people would look down on Vanya with loathsome eyes as they spoke of appalling judgements when she wasn't looking. In their eyes, she was just the filthy lowlife from the Underground of whom should be ashamed of tainting her father's image.

But here was Erwin Smith, a man so venerable and successful who would actually look at her and treat her as a person so worthy and important. Not as an insecure shadow deserving of pity, and hate.

Because to her, he was just Erwin -- not the man whom every soldier had to salute to and look up to. To her, he was just the compassionate, kind, and ambitious man who was willing to go down the stairway to hell and bring her and her friends up to the surface.

Vanya smiled, realizing how fortunate she was to have this man as her new dear friend in her life.

"So am I, Erwin... So am I." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know it truly excites me to see your comments wondering the Vanya-Erwin dynamic. Hahahaha! Don't worry, my dears, the real nature of their relationship will soon unfold but give me some time to build it up and develop it hehehe. 
> 
> As usual, fuck you college. It's my finals soon so waiting time for the next chapter will be long, I'm sorry!
> 
> Thank you all for your kudos and comment, it warms my heart to see your messages most especially the long ones! Sometimes, when I'm really down, I go back and read your comments to cheer myself up. When I say that I remember your comments, I MEAN IT. I don't usually get that much affirmation from my real friends so you guys really make me feel happy :<
> 
> Till the next chapter!
> 
> Frankie xo
> 
> btw shoutout to @bitterlemondrops for your endless support! i get butterflies whenever i see your comment that sometimes, i even wait for it KFHKSHDSKF im a simp HAHAHA love you!


	22. Under the Light, Part 3: Man of Marigold

**_Year 844_ **

****

Vanya and Erwin felt the carriage jerk to a halt. They broke from each other’s gaze and peered out the window.

“We’ve arrived at a flower shop,” Erwin announced, standing up from his seat, and opened the door. “I’ll buy you the flowers.”

“Can I come with you?” Vanya asked cheerfully from inside as she watched him step out onto the grassy path.

Erwin pondered for a moment, looking around and checking to see if her wheelchair was still securely strapped to the back of the carriage. When he saw that it was still there, he turned to her.

“I don’t see why not,” he replied amiably.

“Great! Okay, uhmm…” Vanya awkwardly shifted her eyes from her lap to the door.

The thing was, she didn’t know how to alight the carriage. It took two people to carry Vanya into the transportation after she attempted getting in on her own only for the uncomfortable tingle in her legs to be unbearable that Nurse Maya decided to call for help.

Erwin noticed her dilemma as realization struck his features. “One moment,” he signalled for her to wait before he disappeared.

The carriage slightly shook from the back and Vanya guessed that the man retrieved her wheelchair. Erwin finally reappeared at the door moments after with the wheelchair in front of him.

“Come now,” he ushered, stepping back into the carriage again. “I’ll carry you,” he bent forward closer to her until they were so close, the woman thought their foreheads would bump.

Vanya’s eyes widened and recoiled backwards at their proximity. “I don’t think you can, I might be heavy.”

“Vanya, I do recall that you happen to be a foot smaller than I am. Carrying you would be the least of my worries.”

“ _Hey_!” she exclaimed while feigning an insulted look. “Bringing up one’s height isn’t the nicest thing to say to a lady.”

Erwin stifled a laugh. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. Just trust me and let me carry you if you so badly want to accompany me.”

She uttered a frustrated groan before giving up, “Fine, just don’t complain once you realize I weigh a ton.”

“I wouldn’t imagine that,” Erwin smiled before slipping his one hand under her skirt-covered legs and another on her back. Instinctively, Vanya moved her face away the more his head drew closer to hers. “Ready?” he asked once he finished positioning himself, ready to lift her. There was barely any space between the two of them.

Vanya fumbled, looking away. “Y-yeah…” She’d rather die than have Erwin catch a glimpse of her blushing face.

Apparently, carrying Vanya was like carrying a sack of feathers -- the woman weighed like air. When Erwin lifted her from her seat, it felt _too_ easy and smooth that Vanya even wondered if he was even exerting any effort.

Erwin carried her in his strong arms the way a man would cradle someone so dear close to his chest. Vanya’s small body shrunk even further, almost curling in timidity as her cheek pressed against his broad shoulder. She never knew how tiny she was as compared to his tall and muscular stature, accompanied with his years of strenuous physical training in the merciless military. She held her breath, clenched her fists, and focused on the buttons of his coat as the man carefully brought her out of the carriage and into the fresh, and breezy atmosphere of the outside.

Erwin slowly placed her body down onto her wheelchair and Vanya instantly released all the tension in her body. Who knew an occurrence that lasted no more than 20 seconds would feel so achingly slow?

“That wasn’t so bad, wasn’t it?” Erwin chuckled warmly as he straightened himself.

“Yeah, yeah, no need to gloat how strong you are, I get it,” Vanya grumbled, still flustered. She then began to turn her attention to her new environment.

It was an entirely different scene in comparison to the extravagant structures and ostentatious ambiance of Stohess. The humble village resided on the vast grassland with numerous trees that stood by the clustered identical stone cottages with thatched roofs. The rural landscape felt so lively with the sounds of rowdy children wearing shabby clothes and grime on their plump cheeks as they sprinted down the rocky roads. Creatures of livestock neighed, mooed, bleated, and clucked behind fences while the hollers of men and women rang as they passed by each other with joyful and colloquial regards escaping their lips like family greeting each other in the streets.

Vanya thought how she’d rather stay in the warm and hearty setting of the countryside than the lavishness and sophistication of the metropolis in Wall Sina.

Erwin stood behind her wheelchair and pushed her towards a cottage structured no different from the neighboring houses: rusty, snug, small, but modest and welcoming.

Yet what made this particular cottage that they were approaching stood out from the rest was the array of flowers that graced the whole front. Posies of tulips, daisies, and sunflowers adorned the windows and the entrance was lined with the blossoming petals and buds of different colors.

A gracious and kind-looking woman wearing an apron stepped out the door with a watering can on her hands. When her eyes landed on the tall, well-built, and handsome blonde man pushing a pretty redhead on a wheelchair towards her, the florist and shop owner couldn’t help but smile affectionately.

“Hi, we’d like to buy some flowers please,” Vanya said courteously but not without admiring the display of flowers in front of her.

“Ah, a delectable timing,” the florist hummed as she beheld the two adults amicably. There was a fleeting moment the woman had to curiously and pitifully glance at Vanya on the wheelchair. “Do come in,” she gestured to them whilst entering the shop.

Erwin and Vanya followed the woman behind and when they entered the cottage, they were engulfed in the heavenly floral scents wafting in the room. The range of flowers in the shop outmatched the gardens in the hospital, and this shop was _tiny_. Vanya was so tempted to stay there forever and never return to the hospital but alas, she wouldn’t want to get on Victoria’s nerves any further. Rows of potted flowers enshrouded every space; the sight of begonias, orchids, petunias and other dainty flowers Vanya couldn’t name made her eyes lit up, crystallizing in awe while a tiny gasp slipped through her lips.

“Fond of the Geraniums, are we, dearie?” the shop owner asked teasingly as she stationed herself behind the wooden counter.

Vanya snapped out of her daze, abashed. “Oh, sorry,” she stammered. “Flowers don’t grow from where I come from. I’ve never seen a display of flowers this much in my life.”

The clouds would part and the heavens would come down when the momentous day would come when a garden would thrive in the Underground’s lack of daylight.

“Well come on now, choose as you please!” the florist waved at her floral collection. “What do you have in mind?”

“We’re actually visit -- “

“You must opt for a bouquet of roses and peonies!” the woman interrupted her giddily,

Erwin and Vanya were taken aback by the florist’s immense delight. The middle-aged woman’s hands were ardently clasped together to her heart, her eyes so passionate, and most of all, she was _swooning_.

Vanya spoke awkwardly, “Umm, I don’t think it’d be suita -- “

“Or carnations! They would look good on tables by the napkins. Or perhaps daisies -- oh my, that one would look fabulous on any dress!”

Vanya craned her head to shoot an odd and baffled expression at Erwin, who also did the same.

 _“What is she saying?”_ Vanya mouthed the words to him but the man could only shake his head and shrug his wide shoulders.

The florist giggled, the sound came off to be too high-pitched. “Take your time, you two! It’s not uncommon for couples to be overwhelmed by the endless options, planning the ceremony is _terribly_ stressful after all.”

Vanya’s jaws were almost on the ground. Erwin choked.

Roses. Peonies. Carnations. Daisies. Napkins. Dress. Couple. Ceremony.

Of course. It couldn’t be more blatant than that.

The florist had foolishly thought Vanya and Erwin were planning for their wedding.

“Excuse me, but you must have made a mistake… We’re not uhhh,” Erwin coughed uncomfortably. “Betrothed.”

The florist’s face almost shattered as if all her dreams and hopes were crushed before her eyes. “Oh! That’s… quite a shame,” she mumbled disappointedly as her gaze flicked back and forth between the two. “Utterly a shame…” she added with a click of her tongue.

“We’re just friends, nothing more than that,” Vanya chewed her words, looking at Erwin shyly for a second. “We’re actually here to pick flowers for my brother who… passed away.”

“Oh dear,” the florist’s spirited mood deflated. “I’m so sorry, forgive me. My deepest condolences.”

“Oh no, it’s fine,” Vanya tried to smile.

“If that’s the case, do you have a particular flower you have in mind? The pink and white orchids are in full bloom today.”

The girl skimmed through the selection of flowers around her. Her mind started to buzz, recalling the names of their species and the meanings attributed to them until her eyes then landed on the snow-white flower with a trumpet-like appearance, and another one with pink ruffled petals sitting elegantly at the corner.

“How about a bouquet of lilies and chrysanthemums?” Vanya suggested. “For innocence, loyalty and… devotion?”

“Ah, I see you know your flowers and their sacred meanings,” responded the florist who was pleased and impressed. “Excellent choice, I’ll arrange it for you and for the meantime, do make yourself feel comfortable as this would take a moment.”

The woman plucked out the girl’s choice of flowers from their pots and went back to the counter to begin her arrangement. As the florist began to jump into work in her own humble nook, Erwin faced Vanya with a curious look.

“Innocence?” he mused questionably.

“Cedric used to think he was a bad person,” Vanya explained, her voice so faint as the words floated like dusts. “He was once part of the gang, along with Levi and Furlan and God knows the number of brutal acts they’ve committed together.”

She grimaced, recounting the moments when Cedric would come home with hunched shoulders and crestfallen eyes. “Cedric felt that he deserved to be guilty of doing crimes that could never be atoned for. He was always too hard on himself, blaming himself every time he’d fail as a son. But now... sometimes I wonder if he was able to forgive himself before he…” she stopped when she felt a lump in her throat and an unfamiliar twist at the pit of her stomach.

She remembered it so well. The image of Cedric crying on her shoulders like a miserable child after she had told him that he was free to leave and live his life, no matter how undeserving he felt. The haunting sound of his wails, the tremble of his shoulders, and his tear-soaked cheeks pressed onto her clothes. She remembered it. All too much.

But she pushed herself to continue, taking a deep and ragged breath, “To me, Cedric will always be innocent, he never wanted to steal, or hurt others. He did all of that just so mama and I have food to eat, no matter how meager it was. We never forced him to do all those things yet he’d never stop. God, he was so stubborn, always telling me that he had no choice. But Cedric… he was a good person -- no. He _is_ a good person. There’s no other person out there who’s more kind-hearted. And he deserves a happy life for that. A happy and _long_ one. But he didn’t get to live that life...”

When Vanya finished, she watched the flowers swaying with the afternoon breeze by the open windows. She felt a firm hand on her shoulder and when she looked up, Erwin was staring down at her wistfully.

“He did, Vanya. He lived a happy life towards the end, though not a long one,” he said soothingly. “He found his purpose in the Scouts and fulfilled his duties with a whole heart, no other soldier could do it like he did. And I know that finding one’s true purpose is the greatest joy any man could ever have.”

“You think so?” she asked.

Erwin nodded, ascertaining. “I know so.”

The air of relief escaped through her mouth. “I was supposed to get him his birth flower actually,” Vanya lightly said.

“What made you think otherwise?” Erwin asked.

“If I did get it, it would poison me,” she chuckled lightly. “His birth flower is a larkspur. Quite toxic to the touch but its meaning is so touching. It holds the symbol of an open heart seeking for new opportunities, happiness, and strong attachment. Although I do find how ironic it sounds, he was never one to chase for what he wanted. But I guess he finally learned to pursue it when he left for the surface.”

Erwin listened to her every word, indulging in the colors of nostalgia and devotion in her eyes. “You seem to be knowledgeable about flowers for someone who didn’t grow up tending for one.”

“I used to own an encyclopedia of it containing its descriptions, and medicinal properties,” Vanya thought how it was Edward who brought her the book and how she spent her afternoons flipping through the pages and admiring the illustrations of the beautiful plants in her cozy nook when she was 15. “Sometimes, I used it to practice my reading. An interesting book, that one. It also included the corresponding birth dates and the meanings behind it. Such a shame I left it in the Underground.”

“What’s your birth flower then?”

“Mine? If I’m not wrong, it’s a water lily,” she answered. “It’s supposed to mean peace, and rebirth. A promise of new life, if you’d like to put it simply. Though I sometimes find that I’m anything but peaceful, and I’m not feeling just yet the sense of ‘new life’ if I count my new life here on the surface,” she muttered, envisioning the cage of loneliness she was trapped in whenever she’d be alone in that hospital room.

“I’m certain you’ll eventually find it, it hasn’t been that long since you’ve set foot on the surface,” Erwin pointed out encouragingly.

“Maybe you’re right,” Vanya gave a small smile, attempting to sound hopeful. Then, her eyes widened, her disposition shifting to an intrigued one. “Oh! Erwin, when’s your birthday?”

The man raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to determine my birth flower?”

The girl grinned, nodding. “You never know, maybe its meaning would resonate to you.”

“Alright then, let’s give it a try,” Erwin smiled sincerely. “It’s October 14.”

“October 14…” Vanya contemplated out loud as she tapped a finger on her chin in concentration. After a few seconds, she brightened up as the answer came to her. “Ah! Your birth flower is a marigold!”

Her eyes instantly searched the room until it landed on one spot where a coppery yellow flower with fluffy and clustered petals sat still. “That one right there, that’s your birth flower,” she said delightedly, pointing at it. “A splendid one to treat rashes, wounds, and other skin ailments.”

“And what meaning does it hold?” Erwin asked, interested.

Vanya’s grin never faltered as it shined amongst the elegance of the flowers in the background. “A meaning that is so much more suitable and befitting to your persona than you expected.”

“Really now? Let’s hear it then,” the man crossed his arms on his chest and eased. He couldn’t fight the mesmerization he was feeling as he beheld her bright face.

“It means burning passion, like the sun. It holds creativity, the drive to achieve success, and thirst for wealth. It’s an ambitious flower and at the same time, it awfully sounds _too_ familiar. I wonder who could that be...”

Erwin chuckled. “I wonder too.”

“Also, when your birth flower is a marigold, I believe it also means you’d be the type to pursue someone through hard work,” she continued but with a teasing and cheeky tone. “A hustler for a potential lover, do you believe in that, Erwin?”

Something about her words made Erwin stop and think for a moment. He watched her face leaning in from her chair, anticipating his answer. The sun was sinking, painting the flowers and her pale skin and her fiery hair with a warm and saturated glow. Erwin briefly thought how nice Vanya looked against the dimness of the sunset.

“Maybe,” he could only say.

Vanya slumped, underwhelmed by his answer. Then, she added as her eyes dropped on her lap, “Although… I do recall reading a few depressing connotations to marigolds. I remember reading how it was also attributed to grief, loss of a loved one, despair and… rejection.”

“In my line of work, I do experience a multitude of those sentiments,” Erwin sighed pensively. “The number of times I’ve witnessed the gruesome and tragic deaths of my comrades is far too much for one to even comprehend.” The image of Scouts succumbing into the mouths of the Titans, and Cedric taking his last breath flashed in mind.

Then, he looked out the window, staring distantly ahead at the luscious trees outside. “But rejection? Nothing I have experienced significantly in my life as far as I’m concerned.”

“Hmmm… perhaps, someday you will. Everyone needs to go through rejection eventually for them to move forward. Though, I wouldn’t wish it,” Vanya mumbled as she observed the man scrutinizing the greenery and the rural landscape out the window.

“I wouldn’t wish it too,” Erwin replied feebly, turning away from the window to look at her.

He opened his mouth to say something but the florist had already reappeared before them with an exquisitely arranged bouquet of lilies and chrysanthemums just as how Vanya requested.

“Here you go, young lady,” the woman kindly said, handing Vanya the bouquet.

“My! This is… so beautiful,” Vanya gasped as her fingers gently touched the details of the ribbons and the silky petals bundled together.

“It’s what I do best,” the florist winked.

“Thank you for your service,” Erwin respectfully said whilst reaching into his pockets for coins, and gave it to her.

“You’re welcome. Have a safe trip on the way to the cemetery. It shouldn’t be too far from here,” the woman smiled dearly.

“We will,” the man nodded.

The deputy turned to Vanya who was still admiring the details of the bouquet on her lap. He found it hard to hold himself from smiling amusedly.

“Let’s go see your brother,” Erwin said out loud to catch her attention.

Vanya snapped out of her trance and looked up. “O-oh! Yes, yes…”

Erwin walked towards her and grabbed the handles of her wheelchair before pushing her forward towards the exit.

“Goodbye, and thank you again!” Vanya looked over her shoulder and waved at the florist who was watching them with so much endearment and hope.

The sky was now a serene horizon that formed a gradient of blue, pink, and purple, signifying that the sunset had already passed. The silhouette of the moon peeked through willowy pastel-colored clouds, and the wind was now even more chilly to the senses. The children who chased each other on the roads just an hour ago were now long gone, and only a few folks and farm carts strolled the grassy paths.

When Erwin and Vanya stopped in front of their carriage, the man stepped in front of her.

“I’ll carry you back in if that’s alright with you,” Erwin told her.

Vanya nodded, looking more willing than the first time. The arrangement of the flowers in her hands seemed to have lifted her mood despite the fact that their next destination was one of the depressing places on the earth, aside from the Underground.

When Erwin carried her back into the carriage, Vanya appeared more comfortable that she hugged the flowers into her arms and snuggled into the softness of his coat.

“Tired?” he asked gently, observing the way her eyelids fluttered more slowly, emphasizing the wispiness of her long eyelashes.

Vanya only gave a small nod as a reply. She forgot that the laudanum that was still flowing through her system had the fickle and peculiar side effects, making her feel more drowsy. When Erwin carefully laid her down onto the seat, her head leaned on the wall with her attention stretched out towards the window.

The man stepped out of the carriage and hauled her wheelchair at the back. But when he heard the familiar feminine voice from moments ago calling out to him, he turned.

“Young man!” the florist jogged towards the carriage where he stood with her hands hidden behind her.

“Hello, did we leave anything behind?” Erwin’s forehead scrunched in a dubious and concerned manner.

“Yes,” the woman smiled before bringing her hidden hands in front of him.

In her hands held a thin and short branch beaded with delicate clusters of light purple-tainted flowers. She tried pushing it towards Erwin’s hands.

“But we didn’t opt for this,” Erwin pulled his hands away, refusing to accept it.

“I’m aware, but I must insist that I give you this for free. Or rather, have you give this to her yourself,” she implored, grabbing his hand and planting the branch onto his palm.

The man finally gave in, clutching it with his long fingers careful not to spoil the freshness of the small petals. “And what for, if I may ask?”

“There’s something in my bones that tells me that you’re worthy of giving this purple lilac to someone with a beautiful soul as her.”

Erwin regarded her with wariness but he couldn’t find it in himself to disagree at the way the florist described Vanya so perfectly who was resting soundly in the carriage. He briefly looked back to peer through the interior of the coach and saw Vanya appearing so entranced at the view outside her window at the opposite side as if the countryside was the most magnificent scenery she had ever seen -- she was indeed a woman of beautiful soul.

He stared at the flower in his hand, and remembered how flowers carry their own sacred meanings into the staleness of this universe.

“What do these purple lilacs mean?” he couldn’t help but inquire.

The florist’s smile was ambiguous yet comforting. “Your heart will soon figure it out once it blossoms in you.”

Erwin was even more mystified. “I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean.”

“I see it in your eyes,” she replied with so much fondness. “And the eyes, young man, they never lie.”

He pressed his lips tightly, aching to know whatever this woman meant. He sighed; if the florist said that she could practically feel whatever she was seeing in his eyes in the very marrow of her bones then he thought it was probably for the best that he took her word for it.

Erwin may not see what she was seeing but as he held the purple lilacs for longer, he thought that maybe she was right -- whatever she was hinting at. After all, the eyes never lie.

“Very well,” he sighed in defeat. “Thank you for this, I’ll see to it that I give this to her. We’ll be on our way now.”

“As you should,” said the florist in content. “At the end of the day, nothing can hinder a man of marigold to pursue his desires.”

The woman had been listening to his conversation with Vanya all along for the florist to mention ‘’marigold”. Erwin regarded her with one last bewildered look before he turned around and stepped into the carriage, closing the door behind him.

“Are those lilacs?” Vanya chimed, sitting up and looking more awake when Erwin sat across from her with the flower in his hand.

“Purple lilacs, to be exact,” Erwin said, twirling the branch in his fingers.

The carriage sprang to life as they wended forward, proceeding to the cemetery. When Erwin looked out the window, he caught a glimpse of the florist standing by the road with the same ambiguous and fond smile on her face until the sight of her disappeared when the coach rounded the corner.

“It’s for you, courtesy of the florist,” Erwin handed her the slim branch bejewelled by the tiny heads of lilac petals. “She told me that I must give it to you.”

“For me?” asked Vanya, stunned. “That’s so kind of her, I wonder why she’d have you give this to me…” she wondered, staring at the purple lilacs with so much intensity and vagueness.

Erwin caught the sign of recognition on her face. “Perhaps you know what that flower symbolizes?”

When Vanya’s eyes reached into his, he saw how she looked like she was entrapped in a silent predicament. There was a certain strain on her eyebrows, her gaze was more clouded, and her lips were slightly open with the imminent words standing at the tip of her tongue but too afraid to jump off the precipice.

“No, I don't.”

It was no longer surprising that Erwin was able to catch the lie from her mouth. Yet, he thought to himself that there was no point in pushing further for the answer.

After all, flowers were just flowers. Whatever meaning they bore, it was probably all balderdash. Flowers couldn’t possibly hold the prophecies from fate and the universe. At least that’s what Erwin wanted to think even if he was practically dying inside to know the meaning.

But on the other hand, Vanya took the countless and majestic meanings and symbols of these plants to heart. She believed that nature had its sublime way of whispering humanity’s dreams and desires into their souls.

But now, for once, she didn’t want to believe in nature. Not when she’s holding a branch of purple lilacs that imparted a fragile symbol she was too afraid to accept.

The symbol of First Love.

~~~~~~~~~~~

When Erwin wheeled Vanya past the iron-wrought gates of the cemetery, the eerie howls of the evening winds welcomed them into its duskiness. The boughs of the oaks casted its haunting shadows above them like twisted claws and bones stretching out and luring them to their demise. Her wheelchair raggedly trundled down the gravel and uneven path as they crossed towards the mossy sea of tombstones rising from the holy ground where the unforgotten bones rested. There was no one in sight. It was just the two of them against the chilly winds, so chilly that Vanya blanketed her body with Cedric’s Survey Corps cloak.

She read the inscriptions on every stone they passed by. Though the names were all different, there was one thing that remained constant in each crumbling mound of stone; there will always be two sets of dates divided by a simple and short dash. A division that reminded everyone how the frail lives of human beings are painfully fleeting, from the start until the end, where the small dash stretched.

Vanya felt her wheelchair coming into a halt. When she looked back at Erwin to ask why he had stopped pushing, she noticed how different he seemed. Gone was the dapper and poised deputy. Now, he was the man who had tragically witnessed the death of a precious companion. Vanya couldn’t recognize this man; it was the first time she saw Erwin with a look of mourning.

When Vanya turned to her front, she finally saw it.

_Here lies humanity’s brave soldier  
_ _A fighter no other could vanquish  
_ _A comrade whom each treasured  
_ _A man filled with dreams  
_ _No other could dare to dream_

_LANCE CORPORAL CEDRIC RONAN_

_July 15, 817 - May 7, 844_

_May his soul rest in eternal peace._

This wasn’t the grand and emotional reunion Vanya had particularly in mind.

His tombstone was marbled and his epitaph was sophisticatedly engraved with intricate calligraphy, appropriate in respect to his hard-earned rank in the military. Erwin trudged forward and laid the bouquet of lilies and chrysanthemums by the stone before stepping back to stand beside her wheelchair. The flowers looked like a burst of life against the lifeless stone.

Vanya couldn’t process how Cedric’s dead body was literally a few feet below them. She clenched the fabric of his cloak in her small hands and began to speak out loud.

“Hey, Cedric…” Her voice was cracked, drowned by hushes of the icy breeze, and bounced against the tranquility. Erwin momentarily glanced at her in surprise.

But she continued, “Six years later and here we are. Six years ago you told me -- you _promised_ me in that stupid letter of yours that you’d come back for us. I couldn’t even read that well back then that I had mama read it out loud for me. I had to see her face so heartbroken, and do you have any idea how much it hurt seeing her like that? Well, you’re never gonna know anyway what it looks like because she’s now also gone and perhaps you’re enjoying heaven with her. But seriously, I’m still mad you didn’t even bother to wake us up and say goodbye in person. All you did was leave a note in the morning as if that would suffice. You’re so stupid, Cedric. Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

When Vanya looked down, she saw droplets of her tears padding on the soft green fabric of Cedric’s cloak.

She sniffed, “I know it was me who told you to leave and I shouldn’t be mad that you actually did. But, I can’t deny how hurt and broken I was seeing you gone that sometimes I wonder if encouraging you to leave was the right choice. I wanted to be angry, curse you, blame you, hate you for it but I couldn’t find it in my heart to do that. I love you too much, Cedric, that it’s so goddamn painful.”

Vanya furiously rubbed her sobbing eyes with the back of her hands. At the same time, queasiness welled up inside her and her head started pounding.

“I wasn’t the only one who felt this way,” she sucked in a breath as she fought through the discomfort. She didn’t care how she started to feel sick and dizzy. Vanya knew she still had so much to say, and she wouldn’t dare allow a single word be left unsaid.

“It wasn’t just me and mama whom you left behind. It was also your two best friends, one of which is still utterly and madly in love with you. Did you even know that? I bet you didn’t because like I said, you’re stupid. All this time, he was waiting for you to return, we were all waiting, Cedric. But you never did. Why couldn’t you have at least come down even just once? Why do you have to wait until you find papa? Is it to prove yourself? Haven’t you done that enough?”

Now, her voice started to raise. The rage shot through her, propelling her with a newfound voice. “Why do you always feel the need to prove yourself that you even had to join the goddamn Scouts?! I specifically told you to live your life, Cedric. I expected you to stay within the walls, be some farmer or a merchant, or whatever. I didn’t say you go out of the walls, and play some suicidal hero role. What in the walls were you even thinking?! You think that’s supposed to make me feel proud?!”

But Vanya was feeling something else; the laudanum was finally wearing off and the traces of euphoria that she was experiencing for the past hours was dwindling into nothingness. She was once again back in her usual agitated state, the very state that had ignited her anxiety attacks. Her breathing was now shallow in contrast to the mellow rustles of the wind and her heart was beating a bit too heavily in her chest.

“I only feel nothing but pathetic and hopeless. You left me so broken, Cedric. You, along with mama and papa, you all had to leave me alone one by one and I… I feel so frightened. God, I’m so scared, lonely and miserable, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I’m too scared to live this life on my own and I just want you to be alive for once just so you could hold me and take this huge chunk of loneliness away from me…”

At this point, it felt like she wasn’t addressing Cedric anymore. Instead, she was desperately calling out to whatever omnipresent entity to listen to the cries of her souls and to the truths she was too scared to admit out loud.

Vanya felt Erwin laying a hand on her back. The woman completely forgot how he was still standing there motionless and listening to her rage. He didn’t say anything, not a recollection of Cedric nor even a word to console her. Just a hand on her back and his presence never leaving her. Yet for some reason, Vanya thought how Erwin’s silence was all she needed.

The gentle winds picked up like a symphony progressing towards a crescendo through the valley of the weathered tombstones. Vanya closed her eyes and let Mother Nature touch her skin and speak through her shattered soul. Maybe this wasn’t Mother Nature. Maybe this was Cedric compelling the winds to embrace her the way he would have had if he were alive. So, she didn’t complain. Even if her hair was flying all over her face and her skin was shivering amid the cold and humid air.

Cedric died during the blossoms of the springtime. When Vanya stood in front of his grave, it was already nearing the end of the season, hinting at the approaching days to welcome the radiance of summer. As she cried and shouted at the ground that treasured his remains, she felt that she wasn’t ready to let go of spring just yet when the resplendence of the flowers are at its prime.

But as the breeze continued to blow, Vanya knew that life must go on like how the earthly seasons change, and so must she.

“We need to get you back to the hospital,” Erwin broke through the quietude.

It was already night time though the ashen moon was nowhere to be seen against the stormy clouds. The graveyard was too dark, with the nearest lamp post a few meters away from them. Vanya felt the dizziness in her head gradually rise and the gloomy scape spun around her until all the willow trees and headstones were nothing else but blurry lines and shapes.

She didn’t see Erwin kneel in front of her. She only saw him when he pressed his hand on her damp forehead, her bangs sticking to her skin.

“You’re sweating,” he said, frowning. “You don’t look too well, we must take you back now.”

Vanya shut her eyes and nodded weakly. She felt Erwin stand up and maneuver her away from Cedric’s headstone. She didn’t want to open her eyes, she could no longer bear to see the stone for one last time. She only opened her eyes when she felt like they had reached a certain distance from where her brother laid.

Just as they neared a large, weather-worn willow tree by the entrance of the iron gates, Vanya raised her hand to signal Erwin to stop pushing.

He obeyed, and began to ask, “What’s wrong?”

“I feel…” Vanya muttered inaudibly when she felt the churning upsurge in her stomach and through her esophagus. “I feel sick.”

Suddenly, she pushed herself off the wheelchair and landed harshly on the gravel path. She hissed when the stones dug the skin on her knees and palms.

“Vanya!” Erwin called out in shock, scurrying to help her.

“N-no! Don’t… just don’t,” she gurgled, slapping his hands away. She tried to crawl towards the thick roots of the willow tree even if the nausea was making her vision hazy.

Erwin was about to pull her back when Vanya lurched at the foot of the tree and vomited all the contents of her guts out of her mouth.

The retching sound echoed throughout the hollows of the graveyard and the foul stench of bile reeked as she heaved and choked out every last one of whatever she consumed throughout the day. But at the same time, she felt like she was purging, releasing all the bitterness, the anguish, and the grief of her yesterdays like a gratifying catharsis.

When Vanya was done, she only noticed now that Erwin was kneeling beside her, crunching her hair up all this time and his hand was drawing circles on her back. She gasped for air and began to cry, though she didn’t know why at this point. Crying strangely felt right after throwing up, anyway.

“God, to think I couldn’t be more pathetic,” she moaned out in despair as she allowed Erwin to soothe her. Dr. Jaeger wasn’t wrong when he said that vomiting was one of the side effects of laudanum.

“I’d have to disagree,” Erwin shook his head, sounding amused. He pulled out a napkin from his pocket and handed it to her.

She accepted it gratefully and wiped her mouth. “Thank you,” she hiccuped.

“Come on,” Erwin whispered, slipping his hands under her and carried her carefully back to her wheelchair.

“Are you certain you feel better now before we head back?” he asked for precautions.

When Vanya’s gaze swept across the expanse of gloomy tombstones with the outlines of Wall Rose encaging them far ahead across the valley and hillsides, her mind meandered towards the thought of how incredibly wretched life was.

When three of her loved ones now gone and two more would soon follow four months from now unbeknownst to her, Vanya thought how cruel and heartless of life to go on its unfettered course.

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel better.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust me, the next chapters get heavier. It will heavily deal with a lot of mental health issues to really build Vanya's character so I guess just prepare yourself for that :(
> 
> On the bright side, it was such a joy studying and researching flowers and their meanings. You can't even imagine the gasp I released when I read the meaning of "marigold" and I thought how it was such an accurate description of Erwin's character. Oh and also, try searching for the meaning of "purple lilacs" ;)
> 
> I miss writing about Levi :(( But sadly, we won't be seeing him anytime soon, at least in the next 3 chapters, AAA IM SORRY HUUUU. Man, it's so hard to write these Vanya-Erwin scenes bc my dumbass keeps on forgetting that this is a Levi love story WOOPS. I can't help but get lost into writing their moments lmao. But yeah, I hope you don't get bored or annoyed at Erwin's screen time HAHAHA
> 
> Till the next chapter!
> 
> Frankie xo


	23. Under the Light, Part 4: Sincerely, Vanya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm warning you now... this is 13,300 words IM SO SORRY :(((

_**Year 844** _

“Could you perhaps increase the dosage?”

Those were the very words Nurse Maya had been dreading to hear ever since the first time her patient had her first taste of _Mother Bailey’s Quieting Syrup_ a month ago _._

Nurse Maya was holding the small bottle of the tincture upright with a dropper as Vanya sat still in anticipation, looking up at her nurse and the bottle in her hands with an expression that almost looked so hungry -- greedy and ravenous.

It would be foolish for the nurse to be surprised; she had already expected this to happen. It happened to _anyone_ who would take laudanum on a daily basis.

“How’s the pain in your legs?” Nurse Maya asked not just out of concern but out of suspicion. Her eyes turned sharper, cautious. She couldn’t simply double her dosage for no valid reason.

Vanya pondered over the question of her nurse for a moment.

It had been a pleasurable month of regularly ingesting Mother Bailey’s tincture every morning along with a much needed calcium-rich diet and supplements for her condition. Though there were only minor improvements in her bones, the newfound physical and mental comfort Vanya discovered in that miracle of a tincture was godsend: it produced a blissful sensation throughout her body like soaking herself in ambrosia and warm hugs, and treading through a lucid dream.

It was _that_ good. So good that the pain in her legs were barely there (if she did feel it, she would be too tranquilized to even care), and the melancholy brought about by the death of her family and the absence of her best friends almost melted away from her state of consciousness. Almost.

Life seemed to feel much easier and worth living with laudanum. It made her feel unstoppable, as if she could easily survive any obstacle that came in her way.

“The pain is still there,” answered Vanya impatiently.

She was starting to itch and feel cranky. If she didn’t take the sedative for more than 24 hours since her last dose, she swore she’d throw a destructive fit, rip her blankets, and scream. Or maybe throw up. She needed to drink it **now**.

“Double the dosage,” Vanya told the nurse.

“But Miss Vanya --”

“My usual dosage doesn’t give the same effect as it used to anymore,” she interrupted her worried nurse.

Six drops of the tincture no longer provided her the same wonders the way it did the first time she took it. As the weeks passed by, her body seemed to have gotten used to it that it no longer melted and meshed with the relaxation it promised. The pain in her legs would hike, the restlessness every sleepless night became more frequent, and her anxiety was starting to grow rampant in the middle of the day. Vanya, with whatever crude logic she had, thought that maybe increasing the amount of the sedative would help to bring back the same relief and the euphoria back.

“Please… I haven’t been feeling any better,” Vanya uttered weakly as her fingers fiddled with the white handkerchief she grew to be inseparable with.

Vanya had it washed regularly. Four times every wash, as instructed by Levi. She felt that it would tantamount to an act of betrayal if she didn’t abide by his finicky request.

Though the past month had felt nothing but a misty dream, Vanya would never dare forget the precious letters from her best friends that were safely tucked away in her bedside drawer. She would only pull it out during nights of restlessness when she’d think that only their written words could bring her to sleep, if not the laudanum.

“Alright…” Nurse Maya sighed in defeat. She squeezed the head of the dropper and dispensed the dark liquid. “No more than 12 drops,” the nurse said sternly.

Vanya nodded eagerly like a child finally getting her piece of candy. She opened her mouth as the nurse hovered the dropper and let the droplets of the foul-tasting tincture hit her taste buds. She used to cringe and loathe the flavor but now, the ghastly taste was the only thing she was looking forward to every single day.

Because what Mother Bailey’s Quieting Syrup lacks in taste, it makes up for the satisfying and intoxicating effect it gives to the drinker.

Vanya leaned back and relaxed, waiting for the tincture to take full effect.

“Miss Vanya, I must warn you,” Nurse Maya spoke gravely. “You mustn’t allow yourself to depend on this tincture. Once your treatment for your bones is completed, you will also have to stop taking this tincture as it will be out of your prescription.”

“Victoria said every person within these walls has this tincture in their pantries. Surely that implies how easily accessible it is that you wouldn’t even need a doctor’s prescription,” Vanya remarked.

The nurse’s eyes weakened in worry. “I know what you’re thinking. Please, don’t even think about doing it.”

The patient frowned. “I haven’t even said anything.”

“But you’re already thinking about it,” Nurse Maya said as she laid a hand on Vanya’s shoulder. “You’re thinking of getting yourself a bottle once you’re discharged from the hospital, isn’t that right?”

Vanya remained silent.

“Miss Vanya, I’ve seen how laudanum has ruined people’s lives. Yes, it is indeed a splendid painkiller but without the proper support and supervision, you’d find how easy it is to ruin yours.” The nurse paused to take a deep breath. “It greatly destroyed my mother’s life. She could never live a day without drinking it. She’s still alive but… it doesn’t feel like she is whenever I see her…”

The nurse squeezed her hand on Vanya’s bony shoulder. She continued, “I just don’t want to see you going down that same depressing fate. You’re a good woman, Miss Vanya. Don’t throw away your life when you’re just about to get a second chance here on the surface.”

There it was again. The same pity eyes Vanya would get from every person in the hospital.

The laudanum was already seeping into her senses and consciousness after a few minutes. Gradually, the lightness and bliss Vanya was craving for finally returned to her body like an old friend greeting her. Every movement around her began to slow down like the sluggish and heavy beating of her heart. Her breathing became deep as she felt herself relaxing further onto her back and succumbing into the effect of the chemical. Though the dosage was doubled, the sensation wasn’t as intense as it was during the first time and to that, Vanya huffed immaturely, bummed out.

But at least she was feeling a tad bit better. She’d rather chase this high than spend every waking moment facing her demons with a sober mind.

When Vanya looked around, her attention landed on the purple lilacs that sat peacefully in a vase upon the bedside table.

It looked so pleasant against the creamy walls that its natural purple tint was more emphasized, an exquisite accent to the blandness and the bareness of the room. The flower looked even more invigorated as it blossomed with even more petals and buds than the first time she held it.

“Those lilacs…” Vanya thought out loud in a trance.

Having the lilacs by her side was like owning a fragile piece of spring in her lonesome and bleak room; it was a breath of fresh air and a delicate bloom of something so becoming, and divine.

Maybe that’s why purple lilacs symbolized First Love: the kind of love that’s so refreshing and pure like the vitality of spring -- and Vanya knew that feeling so well.

“You brought them after your trip with Deputy Erwin Smith a month ago,” her nurse said. “Surely, you must not have forgotten -- though I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.”

Vanya tried to blink to regain her memory. All the events that transpired on that day was still all too hazy for her since it was the very first day she took the tincture. She could maybe grasp snippets of slurred conversations and faces. She remembered encountering Dr. Jaeger in the gardens but not the words they exchanged though she thought their conversation wasn’t that worth remembering.

Still, Vanya could recollect spending the rest of the afternoon until evening with Erwin. Visions started whirling in her dizzy head: two of them in a carriage, her admiring the streets of Stohess, the countryside, flowers, and a graveyard.

_"And believe me when I say that hearing you considering me as your friend is an honor as rewarding as the other accolades I've achieved."_

_“Also, when your birth flower is a marigold, I believe it also means you’d be the type to pursue someone through hard work.”_

_“Perhaps you know what the purple lilacs symbolize?”_

_“No. No, I don’t.”_

Pieces of conversations rustled in her head like faint whispers of a distant memory from her previous lifetimes. She couldn’t remember every detail due to the sedative beclouding her senses that time and it frustrated her.

But if there’s one thing she could remember from that time with Erwin, it was the warm feeling of having a friend: the relief of having someone filling the hollowness inside her mixed with the euphoric high.

Vanya didn’t hear the sudden knock that sounded from the door. She was preoccupied with savouring the feeling of her body loosening into what she envisioned to be a bed of flowers or perhaps clouds. She was so fuddled that she didn’t even notice her nurse answering the door and letting a stranger enter into her room.

“We finally meet at last.”

The voice, though unfamiliar, was feminine: lovely and sweet. The timbre of the voice registered into Vanya’s hearing like mellow chimes -- she liked hearing this voice, whoever it was.

When she looked up, a young-looking woman so beautiful was standing before her. She was undeniably tall and slim. Her soft pink dress emphasized her slender figure, and the laces and ruffles on her puffed sleeves and bell-shaped skirt waved down like a rain of flowers gracing the fabric. The woman’s wavy hair was delicately tied up with ribbons in a crown of golden blonde braids that shined against the morning light. Her poise was regal and immaculate -- she looked too perfect to be true that Vanya’s sedated mind would’ve mistaken the woman for a life-sized doll.

The feature that struck Vanya the most was her face. Porcelain skin, rosy cheeks, and a small button nose. But it was mostly her dazzling eyes. It didn’t just match the emerald earrings and necklace that the woman was wearing. The woman’s eyes were so green and bright that it looked oddly familiar.

Too familiar that it almost matched Vanya’s eyes.

“Huh?” was the only word Vanya could muster with her sloshed brain.

The woman giggled in such a manner so lady-like and angelic. How could anyone laugh so prettily? Vanya thought how the world was so unfair.

“Aren’t you so adorable?” said the woman gleefully as she stepped closer to the bed. She even had the audacity to sit on the mattress, by Vanya’s side, as if they were already close friends.

Vanya slightly scooted away. She didn’t even know if her laudanum-filled mind was making her see things because the woman looked so beautiful up close that she couldn’t be real.

“Pretty…” Vanya gawked stupidly.

The angelic giggles sounded off again as the woman regarded her with even more pleasantries. “Why, thank you, darling. But I’d like to say that you’re prettier. Much prettier than I was expecting.”

The redhead instantly blushed. “No way, I don’t believe you,” Vanya pouted. The more she stared at the woman, the more she started wondering why someone so perfect would even visit a low-life like her. Not only that, the woman was sitting so close by her side, so comfortably as if she knew Vanya for so long. “How do you know me…?”

The woman smiled dearly. “I’ve been longing to meet you for such a long time.”

“How?” Vanya questioned naively.

The woman’s smile widened. She reached for Vanya’s hand and held it caringly with her own ones.

“I’m Alice. I’m your half-sister.”

Maybe double dosage of Mother Bailey’s tincture was really messing up Vanya’s head big time.

“Could you say that again?” Vanya asked, her eyes squinting in dizziness.

The melodious laugh filled the room once again. “I hope mother has been treating you kindly, you don’t look too… sober,” the woman named Alice briefly touched Vanya’s cheek worriedly.

“Hold on,” the redhead pulled away from Alice's touch. “Who’s your mother? How are you my sister?”

“Miss Vanya,” Nurse Maya spoke up curtly. “Alice Claire is the directress’ only daughter.”

“WHAT?!”

Alice and the nurse flinched at the patient's shrill outburst.

“You mean to tell me that your mother is that... pretentious and self-righteous hag?” Vanya’s words came out as slurred and dumbstruck, rather than angered and pissed.

The directress’ daughter could only blink at her half sister’s boldness to speak ill of her own mother.

Nurse Maya leaned into Alice’s ears and whispered, “It’s best not to take her words to heart. The patient is on… medication.”

A look of realization flashed across the woman’s beautiful face. Her smile fell and was replaced by a disappointed expression. “Mother put her on that disgusting drug?!” Alice hissed angrily.

The nurse didn’t say anything.

Sighing, Alice thought how she’ll just have to deal with her mother’s despicable decision to put her own sister under a potent drug later. She faced her sedated sister once again, who was busy admiring the details of her pink dress.

“I like your dress…” Vanya mumbled, dazed and dazzled. “It’s so beautiful.”

Alice decided to play along, wanting to get along with her.

“Why, thank you!” Alice said with a voice as sweet as honey. “I made it myself.”

Vanya gasped, imitating a child with big eyes filled with so much wonder. “Really? You make dresses?”

Alice chuckled, shrugging. “It’s what I do for a living.”

“You mean… you’re not a doctor?” Vanya furrowed her eyebrows, utterly confused.

“Heavens, no! Never in a million years would I want to pursue that path.”

Vanya watched her older sister pull a disgusted face.

“What’s wrong with being a doctor? Don’t you want to save lives?”

“Oh, darling,” Alice said with a gentle smile. “Saving lives does indeed make a person heroic. Not to mention, reputable in society. But what good would that be if my heart and passion isn’t set on it?”

Vanya became silent. She was trying so hard to process with what little rationality she had how this lovely woman in front of her could be the daughter of the old woman she loathed. Strangely enough, she adored the way this woman regarded her with so much affection. She could almost melt for every time the woman said ‘darling’.

“You see, Vanya, I don’t want to live my life bearing the pressure of following my mother’s legacy. Or even our father’s. All the more living my life has been difficult for me since both of my parents are well-known doctors in the interior,” Alice sighed ruefully.

“So you want to live your life sewing dresses instead?” Vanya questioned dumbly. Apparently, the laudanum completely wiped out her ability to control her tongue.

She expected Alice to take offense but to her surprise, the woman laughed heartily. “I don’t just _sew_ dresses, silly -- I also design them to tailor to my clientele’s wishes. You’d be surprised how wearing pieces of clothing weaved in the finest materials specifically customized for them can bring so much joy and confidence into people. You can just imagine the smiles I’ve brought on people’s faces during their wedding days!”

“That seems nice…” Vanya smiled. Alice’s energy was so contagious; if the Sun had a child, it would’ve been her.

“Oh, it is,” Alice grinned passionately. “Though I may not save lives, at least I could make people feel beautiful about themselves.”

And Vanya needed that. For the longest time, she only felt ugly and useless in her own skin.

“Once you’re fully healed, I’ll bring you to my boutique and let you have some of my finest pieces!” Alice said excitedly, snatching Vanya’s hands.

“O-oh, I couldn’t possibly accept that,” Vanya responded shyly while she stared at their holding hands.

“I must insist!” Alice exclaimed. “You would look stunning in my dresses and they deserve to be worn by a beautiful model like you!”

Vanya could only do nothing but stare at the kind and sweet woman -- her older sister. Well, _half-sister._

More than she liked to admit, it felt weird. Weird in a sense that it was unfamiliar. Vanya was used to being the older sister in people's lives. Even she felt like she was the older sibling between her and Cedric. She would always take care of people, be it tending to the wounds of the people from their old gang, or never giving up on Isabel until she mastered addition. Everyone would always trust her and love her way of nurturing the people around her as if everyone was family to her.

And now, here was Alice who seemed to have fallen from the heavens. A woman so lovely and pure who’s more than willing to shower Vanya with so much love even if it was still the first day of meeting each other. Maybe she was in a dream. Perhaps the tincture’s effects were much stronger this time and that Alice was no more than a figment of her drugged mind.

So, Vanya did the strangest thing to test the hypothesis.

She poked Alice’s face.

“Oh!” the woman exclaimed, surprised. “... What was that for?”

Okay, Alice was indeed a real person.

“I don’t understand,” Vanya mumbled. Her face showed a great deal of disorientation. “You can’t possibly be Victoria’s daughter or my sister… or be a real person for that matter.”

Alice tilted her head, pleasantly surprised and curious. “And what makes you say that?”

“You’re just…” Vanya tried to find the words. “You’re too… good.”

“Good…?”

“And all sorts of lovely,” Vanya added shyly. “Maybe I’m dead and that you’re my guardian angel taking me away. Nurse Maya, am I dead?”

“No, Miss Vanya. You’re not.”

“Oh…That’s a bummer.”

Alice giggled. “I didn’t know you’d be this funny.”

“It’s just the sedative, Lady Alice,” the nurse said dryly.

“But I’m serious,” Vanya attempted to pull a serious face that only turned out to be a pouty mess. “How could your mother be that pompous woman? I don’t believe it.”

Alice’s laugh dissipated. “I understand your speculations, I really do,” she responded with a small smile. “Mother and I, including our father, we don’t exactly have the most… agreeable relationship.”

Vanya’s face relaxed. She softly asked, “Why so?”

The blonde woman became silent. Her joyful aura disappeared as she took a heavy breath. “Ever since I told them how I didn’t want to be a doctor like them, they eventually treated me as no more than a stranger living under the same roof as them,” Alice said with tight lips. “I suppose they were too ashamed to have a dressmaker for a daughter.”

“Even papa?” Vanya asked meekly. She couldn’t imagine the man whom she looked up to would shun away his own daughter just like that. But then again, Edward did the same thing to her older brother.

Alice frowned at the mention of “ _papa_ ”. She couldn’t help but feel the tiny flame of envy in her chest. She wished she also had that intimate relationship with her own father to call him with a name that felt like home in her lips.

“Maybe -- I never knew him well enough to be able to tell. He was a stranger to me, the same way I was to him.” Alice explained pensively. “I barely remembered him being in my life, he was always gone. Though, I already figured why.”

When she said “ _why_ ”, Alice’s eyes deepened into Vanya’s direction.

“I saw a doll with red hair kept safely in his office one time. I actually thought he was going to give it to me. But he didn’t and from there, I just... knew,” she went on. “Father never gave me a doll, I don’t even recall him ever giving me anything besides a necklace for my 18th birthday, and that was _years_ ago.” Her words were followed by the rolling of her eyes.

“Next thing I knew, mother was preparing these crates that resembled to be medical contrabands addressed to the Underground. When I checked the boxes, I saw your name. So I asked my mother who you were and surprisingly, she told me. She was even fond of talking about you, as if she had finally discovered her precious medical prodigy that she didn’t find in me.”

Vanya didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what to feel: whether she should feel bad for Alice or feel guilty for taking away unwanted attention from her sister’s mother.

But more than that, Vanya didn’t know what to feel towards her own father. Should she feel happy because Edward chose her over his real family? Or be angry and disappointed towards him for neglecting her sister who was nothing but kind and loveable?

“I’m sorry…” was the only thing Vanya could say though she didn’t know what she was exactly sorry for.

“You don’t need to apologize, darling,” Alice said reassuringly.

“But why are you so nice to me? Shouldn’t you hate me?” Vanya asked.

“And why would I do that?”

“Because I felt papa’s love for me. For _my_ family,” the younger sister admitted with so much guilt. _And you didn’t_...

“And that’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Alice squeezed Vanya’s hand. “I could never blame you nor your family. I understand how much you love him -- I’ve heard from mother how much he truly cherished your family and I could never hate you for that.”

But at this point, did Vanya still love her own father after all the lies and betrayal?

“What about you? Did you ever love him?” Vanya carefully asked.

Alice gave a vague smile before letting her gaze fall on her lap. “To tell you the truth, no. I’ve never felt love nor any sort of connection towards him. Perhaps that explains why I have no resentment towards him which I know seems odd but then again, could you ever feel anything towards a stranger?”

“I don’t think so…”

Alice had a point. After all, hate wasn’t the opposite of love -- it’s apathy.

“Twenty-eight years of living taught me that just because I share the same blood with someone doesn’t mean I have to love that person and consider them as family.”

Vanya grimaced. “You’re the same as Cedric. I don’t think he ever felt any sort of connection towards papa.”

“Cedric…” Alice enunciated the foreign name experimentally on her tongue. “He’s your brother… _our_ brother, right?”

A poignant look manifested across Vanya’s face as she nodded heavily. “You would’ve gotten along with him. Both of you are just about the same age.”

“I thought so too,” Alice said, brimming with so much sorrow. “I’m sorry for what happened. I, too, felt so heartbroken when I saw his name on the obituary. To think that he was already gone before I even had a chance to meet him...”

“You never met him?” Vanya asked.

Her older sister shook his head. “Mother and I didn’t even know Cedric was at the surface, much more, a lance corporal in the Survey Corps. I don’t think he ever knew about father having another family, he never looked for us.”

“That’s because he was considered to be an illegal immigrant, he couldn’t risk having his identity known. Though perhaps earning a rank in the military granted him immunity,” Vanya explained. “But he also travelled within the walls, he searched everywhere looking for papa.”

“He went through that? Maybe he wasn’t informed that our father was already announced dead,” Alice guessed.

It made Vanya pause as she began to ruminate over her brother’s actions. Something felt strange and off along the lines. There were still so many questions left unanswered during those six years of Cedric’s stay on the surface. It started to form a picture that Cedric was up to something Vanya had yet to decipher.

“What if…” Vanya speculated. “What if Cedric already knew that? Surely he must have known since our father was a notable doctor. News seem to spread fast within the walls”

“Are you insinuating that he was considering the possibility of father being alive?”

“Don’t you?”

Alice bit her lips. “If I have to be honest, it no longer matters to me whether father is dead or alive just like how my mother and I didn’t matter to him.”

“But to me, it does.”

The older woman was taken aback by how sharp her sister had spoken. For a moment, Alice thought that maybe the drug had worn off Vanya’s body. The redhead had never looked so determined and serious that it was hard to tell if she was even on the sedative.

“It all seems mysterious, haven’t you ever thought about it? You don’t just disappear out of the blue and trust whatever the MP’s declare about your status,” Vanya said firmly.

“Look, Vanya, believe me when I say that mother and I tried everything to find him. We did everything we could to find his body or even get just a tiny trace of him because at one point, we were stupid enough to believe that perhaps he’s still out there.”

At that instance, Alice finally looked like her age. Her forehead wrinkled and her eyes marred in exhaustion and hopelessness. Here was a woman, 28 years of age, who stopped believing in the man who couldn’t be the father figure she needed all her life.

“But he _is_. He’s got to be out there as we speak,” Vanya said desperately.

Cedric had to know something about their father’s disappearance; he was a bearer of the sharpest mind any person could come across. But whatever piece of information he had discovered, it was too late. Vanya would probably never know since Cedric had already died and brought the useful knowledge to his grave.

She was starting to feel jittery once more, which shouldn’t be possible when it hadn’t been more than an hour since she was administered with laudanum that was supposed to calm her down. Yet lately, the fickle chemical had its way of heightening her emotions the more her body had adjusted to it. When she felt happy (which was a rare occurrence), the drug would make her feel undefeatable and top of the world. If sad, she’d be a complete melancholic mess. When she’s worried, she’d be frantic.

And when Vanya knows something in her guts and in her heart, all the more she is confident and certain about it.

“Our father is alive, Alice,” her words escaped from her lips with a breath of grit.

Alice stared at her sister for a good couple of seconds. She was searching Vanya’s eyes, scrutinizing if the girl was still in her right mind though Alice knew that the patient was still definitely under the effect of the drug from the way Vanya fidgeted relentlessly with a white cloth in her hand, and her eyes blinked heavily.

But for some reason, hearing the possibility of Edward Claire being alive from Vanya’s mouth had to be the sanest and most logical statement Alice had ever heard from her.

The dragging silence was interrupted when another series of knocks tapped against the door.

“Is Vanya expecting another visitor?” Alice turned to Nurse Maya.

The nurse shook her head. “Not that I know of. I’ll see who it could be.”

Vanya and Alice cautiously watched the nurse walking towards the door. When Nurse Maya pulled the door open, a tall, built and familiar friend of Vanya appeared by the entrance, sporting his usual olive green Scouts trench coat.

“Erwin!” Vanya’s voice was filled with so much delight.

When Erwin Smith entered the room, his typical stolid demeanor eased when his blue eyes landed on Vanya who was smiling warmly at him from her bed. It was plain as day how the girl looked so happy about Erwin visiting her as a month had passed since they last saw each other.

“Hello, Vanya,” Erwin couldn’t help but also smile back at Vanya’s radiant expression. Then, he finally noticed the beautiful blonde woman sitting by her side. “Ah, I must have interrupted a visitation, perhaps I should visit some other time…?” he said, standing awkwardly as he felt Alice’s wary eyes staring him from head to toe.

“Oh no, it’s okay! You can stay,” Vanya insisted. She then turned to her sister who was still eyeing the deputy. “Erwin, this is my --”

“You’re the deputy commander of the Survey Corps,” Alice spoke, looking at Erwin suspiciously.

“Yes, I am,” he responded politely.

The older woman turned her attention back to Vanya, looking even more baffled. “Vanya, how are you acquainted with a high-ranking soldier from the Scouts?”

Vanya answered with a casual shrug, “He’s my friend.”

“ _Friend_?”

“Forgive me for asking but…” Erwin cleared his throat, expressing how uncomfortable at the way the blonde woman was critically regarding him. “Who are you?”

“Alice Claire. I’m Vanya’s sister.”

“Half-sister,” muttered Vanya right after.

“Sister?” Erwin raised one eyebrow. “I didn’t know you had other siblings, Vanya.”

Alice scoffed. “Perhaps you aren’t her true friend, after all.”

Vanya frowned at her sister’s ridiculous attitude towards the soldier while Erwin tried his best not to glare at the woman. He wasn’t surprised, though. Based on the woman’s opulent appearance, she was indeed a noble. And it was already common knowledge that the reputation of the Scouts Regiment wasn’t well accepted by the aristocrats, which could explain why Alice looked at Erwin with disgust.

“Alice,” Vanya touched her sister’s arm. “Erwin is a good man, he brought me and my friends to the surface. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be receiving my treatment,” she explained softly, catching Erwin’s eyes for a moment.

But Alice still didn’t look convinced; she continued to eye the man with distrust. “I don’t understand why a man from the Scouts would help you with your predicament.”

“Cedric had asked him to help me before he died,” Vanya said, grimacing. “Alice, our brother trusted Erwin. _We_ can trust Erwin,” she convinced as she lowered her voice so that only Alice could hear her.

Alice didn’t speak for a while. She anxiously bit her lips as her gaze flicked back and forth between her sister and Erwin.

The woman wanted nothing more than to protect Vanya from any threat. Alice had been dreaming for so long to meet her sister since she was a lonesome and neglected child growing up in nobility. But after discovering the existence of another family, it somehow bestowed her a newfound purpose: a drive to care for and love someone when no one had done it to her.

Alice wouldn’t dare allow _anyone_ to hurt her sister even if that someone could possibly take the form of a respected deputy commander in the military.

But the more she stared into her sister’s big green eyes, she realized; if she was going to take care of Vanya, she also needed to learn to trust her word.

“Fine,” Alice eventually sighed. She rose from the bed, snapping a severe look at the soldier. “Erwin Smith, right?”

The man nodded, a bit surprised at how she already knew his name without giving him the chance to properly introduce himself. But then again, when you’re leading a battalion that almost dissolved due to fruitless expeditions, everyone would remember your name to have someone to blame.

“Very well. I shall take my leave now to give you two some privacy,” Alice announced quite coldly. She leaned down to touch and caress Vanya’s cheek affectionately. “I’ll make sure to drop by more often to keep you company next time, alright?”

Vanya nodded vigorously that it made Alice chuckle. “I’ll see you soon, darling.”

Vanya’s eyes widened when Alice suddenly planted a kiss on her forehead so smoothly. The gesture felt so swift and natural that it made Vanya’s heart gush.

“Okay…” Vanya breathlessly replied.

Alice flashed one last charming smile at her before she turned around and strutted towards the door with a poise so perfect and graceful as the tail of her dress and the remnants of her fragrance trailed across the room. When she passed by Erwin, she shot him spiteful look

“Harm her, and I swear to the Walls I’ll have you easily expelled from your position with the connections I have. Though having you disbarred won’t be that difficult seeing how poorly your soldiers have been performing their duties,” she sneered.

“Miss Alice, though my soldiers have been risking their lives outside these walls so ‘ _poorly_ ’ as you’d like to put it, it is better than being a coward and hiding behind a luxurious lifestyle you’ve sheltered yourself in while thousands of men die for your sake,” Erwin retaliated so seamlessly that it made Alice clench her own jaws at the insult. “And believe me when I say that I would never endanger your sister nor do anything to hurt her myself.”

He paused, closing his eyes to contemplate for his next words before opening them to finish himself.

“She is as important to me as she is to you.”

His voice was low, almost too quiet for anyone else in the room to hear that Alice _almost_ didn’t catch it.

The woman’s gaze could burn right through Erwin’s skull but upon hearing the man’s words, she looked away.

“Then, prove it.”

Alice walked away right after she had said those words to the deputy, leaving him standing on his spot with his face so challenged yet determined.

When she stood by the door, Alice looked over her shoulder to give a small wave at her sister, a polite nod to the nurse, and a glare at Erwin before she was finally gone .

The soldier sighed in relief, releasing all the tension.

“Don’t you think she’s lovely?” Vanya innocently asked. Her tone was still light, dreamy, and pleasant even after the unfriendly encounter between Erwin and Alice.

Erwin turned to the girl with a curious look. “Lovely? Why do you ask?”

Though Alice Claire had to be one of the most beautiful women Erwin had ever encountered, the man thought how he’d rather not be acquainted with a noble with such prejudiced mindset towards the Scouts.

Vanya shrugged. “I just find it hard to believe that I’m related to someone so… perfect.”

“You don’t sound too happy about it,” Erwin said, stepping closer to her bed. “Why is that?”

“Well, it’s because it makes me realize how ridiculously ordinary and simple I am.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being simple, and being perfect is overrated,” Erwin remarked.

Vanya narrowed her eyes at him playfully. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better about myself.”

“No, I’m saying that to make you realize that it’s pointless to compare yourself to her when you’re already lovely as you are.”

Vanya covered her mouth to stifle a laugh.

“Real smooth, Erwin. I’ll give you that,” she said while rolling her eyes.

The man softly smiled, how could he not? There was something about this young woman that never failed to break down his shell that kept his dignified front. And no other person has ever had that effect on him.

“Half-sister, you said?” Erwin asked.

“From the father’s side, she’s Victoria’s daughter, which is something I find it hard to believe.”

“Alice Claire... “ Erwin raked through his own memories to find any sort of connection “Claire… Like the doctor, Edward Claire?”

Vanya pressed her lips tightly, looking away. “Yes.”

“You mean to say that you’re also the daughter of that doctor who went missing for years?”

The woman sighed; how come everyone knew of her father’s case while it took her six long years to find out?

She weakly nodded in reply. “I didn’t want to tell you. I’m not really fond of people knowing that I’m the illegitimate daughter of a person so well-established here in Stohess.”

“It doesn’t change the way I see you though,” Erwin said in reassurance.

But when he caught the sight of Nurse Maya standing motionlessly at the corner of the room, Erwin knew that the conversation about Edward would have to wait since he had wanted to discuss more about it in private. He used to follow the mysterious case for quite some time that he had already formed compelling theories that could only explain the doctor’s disappearance. He even considered that Edward must have had the same fate as his father’s: arrested and murdered by the Military Police. It was a plausible hypothesis since it was the police who announced Edward’s death despite the absence of a body.

But it didn’t make sense -- why would they do that to a reputable doctor?

And now that Erwin was handed this valuable information of Cedric and Vanya being Edward’s children, it formed a new puzzle piece in the grand picture Erwin could not yet see.

But he couldn’t risk thinking of that now. Erwin pushed the thought aside and focused on the woman lying upright on the bed in front of him instead.

Vanya smiled shyly at his previous words. “That’s a relief to hear,” she then switched to a more curious tone. “What brings you here, by the way?”

Erwin replied, “I came to give you another letter from your friends.”

_And I also want to see you._

It was already at the tip of his tongue.

“They wrote me another one?” Vanya gasped, thrilled.

“They did. But by any chance, have you written to them back?”

In an instant, the girl’s elation deflated. “No, I haven’t.”

The guilt in her chest began to twist. Vanya could only conjure one reason why she hadn’t written a single letter to her best friends for a month which was:

She was too insecure of her handwriting.

It seemed stupid and shallow but to her, it was every bit as her worst nightmares. By standard, Vanya’s literacy still wasn’t sufficient enough for her to function in society and that wasn’t her fault since there were no schools in the Underground City. She could jot down numbers, simple notations on instructional medicinal manuals, but never anything that consisted of more than one sentence.

Truthfully, she was so afraid of people ridiculing her handwriting that was as crude as an infant’s. So many times, Vanya had wanted to write back but she didn’t have the resources to properly learn her spellings or practice her calligraphy. At the same time, she was too ashamed and embarrassed to ask for anyone’s help. How would they respond to a 21-year-old’s favor to teach them how to write legibly? She’d never ask Victoria, for sure. Vanya’s pride wouldn’t dare allow that old hag to humiliate her even further.

“I figured,” said Erwin in understanding.

_Great, now he thinks I’m dumb…_

“Of course…” Vanya muttered, dropping her head to hide her face with her bangs.

The man began to kneel on one leg by her bedside to narrow the distance between them. “What’s the matter?” Erwin asked with a frown and his face leaning closer.

“I feel like a terrible friend,” Vanya sighed. “I had all the time in the world to write back. I wasn’t even doing much in this goddamn hospital yet I couldn’t even write all because I’m too stupid and ashamed to ask for anyone’s help.”

Even Levi, whose pride is as high and firm as the walls, asked for help.

“That’s why I’m here.”

The girl raised her head and her friend’s blue eyes instantly met hers. With Erwin kneeling down, they were almost at the same level, giving Vanya a more detailed view of his genuine and caring expression. His hand was on the edge of her blanket, just a few inches away from her fingertips.

“To do what?” she asked.

“To help you make a letter for them.”

Vanya’s face lit up, almost outshining the sun outside. “Really? You would do that?”

“I’m your friend, Vanya. Of course I’d be more than willing to help you.”

She could no longer hold her lips further when the brightest smile on her face appeared. It’s been weeks since she had smiled this big. Spending her days in the cream and bland four-walls with nothing but the company of her nurse and occasionally Victoria stole her ability to look forward to anything. Not to mention, with the daily administration of the laudanum, Vanya could do nothing more than stare into emptiness and let the drug soothe her.

“Is it okay if we do it at the gardens then?” she excitedly suggested.

“If that will help you even more, then I don’t see why not,” Erwin replied agreeably.

“Oh, it will.”

Vanya finally moved her hand and laid it on his that was just dying to feel her touch.

“You’re a great friend, Erwin.”

~~~~~~~~~~

_Dear Vanya,_

_I really hope you were able to receive our letters. It worries us since you haven't written anything back and we’ve been longing to hear from you. But in any case you have received the letters and you still haven’t found the right time to write back, we’d understand. Writing isn’t an easy task after all, not to mention, you also need to focus on getting better at the same time. So the last thing I want is to pressure you to return the favor. It’s okay if you need to take your time._

_Though I’m not quite sure if it is to Levi. That git doesn’t want to admit it but I can really see how he’s been anxious and quite frustrated to read your reply. He’s still practicing his writing, and I must say, he’s greatly improved that it really surprises me. I’ve never seen him so committed in my years of being with him. You’ll see it once you read the letter he just wrote that’s attached in this envelope. And though he said he would stab me if I read his letter, I’m telling you, his calligraphy is way more neat than mine now._

_So yeah, no pressure, Vanya. Really._

_As for Isabel, she’s the only one who’s been getting along with the other Scouts. But that shouldn’t surprise you anymore, that kid has a heart of gold. Though, I see how she’s also been interacting with this one Scout, whose personality and gender I couldn’t quite… understand. Their name is Hange Zoë. Yes, I’ll have to refer Hange as “they” in respect so don’t get confused. Apparently, they’re not only a squad leader but also the head of the Titans Research Unit in the regiment. The stuff Hange does is quite remarkable, though it doesn’t really make up for their eccentric personality. Hange’s probably got a soft spot for Isabel. They wouldn’t stop giving her candies. I tried my best to tell Isabel to stay away from them though it’s probably too late. But in all seriousness, we really shouldn’t be attaching ourselves too much with the other Scouts considering the nature of our mission to get rid of one of their superiors, Erwin Smith._

_Lovof sent another message to tell us that once we’ve accomplished our mission, he could easily have us resigned from the Survey Corps, erase any evidence of us connecting to Erwin’s death, and have us transferred to a residency somewhere in Mitras._

_That’s why I’ve been trying my best to find the documents that're in Erwin’s hands as fast as I can. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to find it that I’m starting to think he’s carrying it with him 24/7. We still have three more months anyway before the expedition, which should borrow us more time._

_I think that’s all for now. Though I must tell you, the first month here in the Survey Corps has been surprisingly gratifying and somewhat… inspiring. I don’t know but there’s something about the way these soldiers fight and speak for humanity that’s quite compelling. I’ve never seen anyone so determined to dedicate their hearts for a cause that seems too implausible to achieve._

_Vanya, you’re probably the only person who’d understand this. I couldn’t possibly tell this to Levi nor Isabel just yet. But the truth is, I’m starting to have second thoughts about Lovof’s task for us. Why would anyone badly want to eradicate a regiment that devotes themselves for the greater good? I’m starting to think how insanely messed up the way things work here on the surface, and here I thought there’s nothing much more twisted and horrible than the people in the Underground._

_Am I wrong to think this way? I know how important it is for us to get that money and a safe place in the interior as Lovof promised. At the end of the day, our safety and security still matter the most to me. I really want us to have a comfortable life, just the four of us in a big house with no more troubles to worry about. That’s always been my dream for us._

_But will it all be worth it?_

_I’m sorry, Vanya. I truly hope you don’t find it in you to hate me for thinking this way. But I assure you, we will still carry on with this mission no matter what. We made a promise after all that we will bring you home, a home where we will all be happy together. And if going home means having to involve ourselves with the murder of the Scouts’ deputy commander then so be it._

_I’ll write again to you soon. I genuinely pray that you are well and safe. But please, do write to us if you can. It gives us a sense of reassurance hearing from you. We’ve awfully missed you._

_Sincerely,_

_Furlan_

When Vanya finished reading her Furlan’s letter, she couldn’t help but feel a heavy weight in her heart. The more her eyes diligently weaved through his words, making sure that every letter is stamped onto her brain, the more she realized how she achingly missed them that it began to _hurt_. But courtesy of the sedative in her system, reading somehow became an easy task. She could easily register the words into her mind, which only intensified the emotions she was feeling.

There were so many things Furlan tackled in the letter. First, Levi was doing well in improving his literacy -- it made the corners of Vanya’s mouth tug. Second, Isabel was able to befriend an eccentric Scouts squad leader named Hange Zoë. That, too, made the woman smile. But when Furlan started talking about his doubts about Lovof, her expression miserably dropped.

It wasn’t because Vanya was disappointed in Furlan for thinking that way; it was because she, too, felt the same way. The feeling of being torn in a predicament that would make you question your morals.

Would you rather live a comfortable life in the interior at the cost of a regiment’s downfall or side with humanity at the cost of your life?

She perfectly understood Furlan. And she also didn’t know which one to choose.

Vanya laid the letter down onto the stone table and lifted her head to look at Erwin who was sitting across from her, watching her read the letter carefully with that kind and patient look on his face.

They were back at the hospital’s gardens, specifically at the corner of the quadrangle where there were stone tables and benches. It was a quaint area where guests and patients could eat their meals, play chess, or simply enjoy each other’s company as they sat by the scenic environment of fresh flowers and shrubs.

Not far from where Erwin and Vanya sat, there was an old couple wearing hospital gowns sitting across each other. The old woman was busy knitting while her husband was still and motionless, watching the way his wife’s wrinkled and weathered hands move artfully with the needle and the fabric. The tender, and loving expression on the man’s face was so obvious yet the old woman was oblivious.

In another spot, there was a woman who must be in her early 30’s. She, too, wore an identical hospital gown, and she was sharing a meal with a younger girl across from her, who was no more than seven years old. It seemed that the woman was the mother of the adorable child who was visiting her, no one could deny the way the woman was endearingly looking at her daughter as the kid comically narrated a story.

Whatever the kid said, it made the adult laugh. But the laugh didn’t reach her eyes though. The limited number of days she had left with her daughter crept at the back of her mind like the ghost of the grim reaper teasing her. But the woman pushed the ominous thought away and tried her best to focus on every little detail of her cute daughter’s face so that she could have a picture in her mind to remember once the day comes when she’d finally lie on her deathbed.

Vanya truly loved this specific corner in the garden. There were so many untold stories of the patients’ lives resting peacefully by the stone tables. Though their lives weren’t as thrilling as the stories of the people in the outer walls, it was just as impactful, inspiring, and comforting as any tale used to tuck a child to bed.

“The old couple to our right is staring at us,” Erwin whispered, leaning towards Vanya.

The girl gave him an odd look before she subtly craned her head to the right. And Erwin was right; the old woman, who had dropped her knitting, and her husband were staring at them with nostalgic faces.

“Hm, I bet they’re judging us,” Vanya said, biting back a giggle as she looked away from the couple.

Erwin’s interest piqued. “You think so? I wonder what they’re thinking about us.”

“Oh, it’s quite obvious,” she rolled her eyes. “They must be wondering why a tall man so prim and refined would ever dare sit with a short scruffy-looking woman. They think it’s repulsive,” she had said it as a joke.

“ _Or_ , we probably remind them of their younger years.”

“That’s just too predictable,” Vanya slyly grinned while Erwin gave a low chuckle at her sarcasm. She turned back to Furlan’s letter.

“You have another letter,” Erwin pointed at another folded paper peeking out of the envelope.

The woman widened her eyes, and instantly snatched the letter excitedly. “I almost forgot, heh. I should read it.”

“I’ll let you be.”

Vanya shot Erwin a tight but grateful smile before she unfolded the paper and read the second letter.

_Oy, do you actually ever plan on writing back? How long do you plan on keeping us waiting? Were you even able to get our letters? I swear, if my previous letter actually fell on the wrong hands, then I will punch the hell out of that shitty postman._

_But my guts tell me that you did receive it. I may not know whatever excuse you have to justify why you haven’t responded to us yet but it better be good._

_Did you do what I instructed? You better have washed my handkerchief at least 12 times by now. You do know you’ll have to give it back to me eventually, right? What, you think it’s yours now? Well, think again, brat. I said “keep this”, not “have this and do whatever you want with it”._

_Food here is still shit but I guess I’d rather have this than the stale and moldy bread we usually have back at the hideout. I expect that food there in Wall Sina would be way better so you better not be all skin and bones by the time you visit us._

_Have I mentioned how the sleeping quarters here are so damn filthy? Literally garbage, dusts everywhere, rats in holes, it’s literally a dump that it made your house look so spotless. And don’t get me started on the shitty people we have to train with each day. I guess I’m wrong to actually think that you’re already the worst brat I know because the officers here are the real shitheads. They’re pathetic, really. They think they can step on us just because we’re from below. Not to mention, that Erwin fucking Smith has to make things difficult for us. I’m literally so close to ambushing him in his office, stab him, search the documents on him, and drag his fucking body to the forest to get this over with so that we can all live in the interior before the expedition starts._

_Because I’m telling you Vanya, I don’t think Furlan and Isabel can handle the horrors outside the walls. Though I myself haven’t seen it, I know I can handle it. But what about them?_

_Shit. I don’t know what else to write so I’ll just end it here._

_Write as soon as you can, brat._

_I need to hear from you_ _._

Vanya released a breath when she was done. If her heart was heavy right after reading Furlan’s, now it felt like it collapsed onto the ground, dragging her entire well-being into the nasty fall.

_I need to hear from you._

When she re-read that line three more times, she imagined how Levi was slumped over a desk for hours as he painstakingly wrote those words for her. From this letter, Vanya could tell how Levi was now beginning to be more open and expressive as compared to his first letter. As she read his words, she could clearly hear his disgruntled tone in her head. She felt the chills on her skin when Levi wrote about wanting to kill Erwin as soon as possible like it was just another simple task to murder someone.

She envisioned his forehead and eyebrows all scrunched up in concentration. Maybe he was scowling when he was writing about his bratty superiors but she wondered what face Levi made when he was writing: _I need to hear from you_.

“You read faster now,” Erwin spoke up after noticing the wistful look on her face after reading.

Vanya snapped out of her brooding. “Oh, I guess I do…” she said as she timidly scratched her head.

She didn’t want to say it but it had to do with the sedative. Somehow, the tincture made her mind feel lighter and clearer, so reading suddenly became easier for her. At the same time, it made the letter sound too real.

Erwin squinted his eyes to read the name on the folded letter in her hands.

“Levi… Levi writes you letters?” he asked after reading the sender’s name out loud.

Vanya blushed. “Y-yeah, he does. He’s actually been practicing reading and writing a lot just so he could write to me.”

“Hm, I haven’t noticed though I’ve always observed how he’d disappear right after training. I assumed that he was out and about searching for the documents for Lovof. I never actually expected he’d be busy learning to read and write for someone.”

“You make it sound like it’s hard to believe how he’s capable of doing such a thing for a close friend.”

“It’s hard to expect a thoughtful character from someone who has been well known in the headquarters for his constant insubordination, reclusiveness, and recklessness towards his superiors,” Erwin said.

“He’s not reckless,” Vanya’s face fell. Her eyes pointed harshly against his. “Your people have been discriminating against them in the barracks. It’s what they wrote in the letters and it pains me to see how awfully they’ve been treated. You can’t expect my friends to just stand by and pretend that it doesn’t bother them.”

She looked away from him and stared into the distance. Her eyes landed on the bustling nurses and doctors traversing to the next building.

“I know how much it hurts to be treated as an outcast or much worse than a scum by people who think highly of themselves. I get to feel that every single day in my life here in this hospital.”

Vanya instinctively bit her lips as she remembered the glares that she’d whenever she’d be wheeled by Nurse Maya around the gardens and in the hallways. She was so frustrated how her situation was no different than her friends. Yet at the same time, it was comforting knowing that she wasn’t going through it alone.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have misjudged them,” Erwin said, his tone sounding so genuine and real.

The girl kept her mouth shut, remaining to stray away from meeting his eyes.

He added, almost sounding desperate. “I’ll see to it that the officers treat them respectfully. After all, it was my idea to bring your friends into the regiment. It is only right that I make sure they’re adjusting properly into the environment.”

When Vanya still ignored him, he pushed further. “Vanya, you have to trust me. I always keep my word.”

“Then promise me something, Erwin.”

This caught the man off guard.

“What is it?”

Vanya anxiously exhaled as she said, “You have to promise me that you will keep my friends safe during the expedition.”

She couldn’t take her mind off that one part in Levi’s letter when he talked about the possibility of Furlan and Isabel not making it.

“Vanya, you know I can’t --”

“No, you have to promise me this,” she begged. “They’re the only family I have left,” her voice cracked and it made Erwin’s heart shatter.

Erwin was anything but a man of making promises. He was no stranger to how unpredictable the world works, most especially when Titans reigned their lands. Promises were the most dangerous gambles of all. Not only will you lose the game when you break it, but also the trust you had worked so hard to build with the person you made a promise with.

But when Erwin came face to face with the young woman who entered his life like a destructive hurricane, he knew there was no one else who could be an exception.

“Okay,” he finally said, sighing before giving her the firmest look of dedication he could ever give. “I promise.”

“You have to swear on Cedric’s grave.”

Erwin couldn’t speak for a moment. They stared at each other deeply for a moment, with the breeze and the rustling plants filling the silence between them.

“I swear on Cedric’s grave that I will make certain they’ll be safe during the expedition.”

The truth is, Erwin Smith was no more than just a man. So many times he wished he would have done things differently to save his comrades but he knew that the universe didn’t simply work that way.

Vanya was also aware of that. She was aware how selfish and foolish it was to make a man promise something that was beyond his control. Because when Vanya saw that small spark of hesitation in Erwin’s eyes when he swore on her brother’s grave, she already knew he couldn’t keep it.

But Vanya didn’t feel any anger and disappointment -- she had no right to.

So, she gave him a melancholic smile and looked away.

They let the silence hover in the air for a few minutes before Erwin decided to ask a question that he had been dying to ask for days.

“Do you mind if I ask a personal question?”

Vanya, who was busy staring at the flowers, shifted her focus back to him in a snap. “No, it’s fine, go ahead.”

“Are you and Levi…” Erwin hesitantly started. “Lovers?”

Vanya spat a choke.

“N-no! No way -- as if I could ever be with him. That man’s too…”

“Too…?”

Vanya wanted to say the words ‘good for me’, but instead, she said: “Too… mean to me.”

“Mean?” Erwin intriguingly asked. “I don’t think a ‘mean’ person would skip a few training sessions to invest more time to learn to read and write for someone. He didn’t seem ‘mean’ to me when he was calming you down before they left for the barracks,” he added inquisitively.

The woman’s cheeks flushed even more, she almost forgot how Erwin was also in the room the first time she experienced an attack. Everyone saw the way Levi held her like a precious and fragile treasure. For someone who always appeared to be cold and crass to everyone, his face had never looked so gracious and caring when he pressed his forehead against her trembling ones, and delicately slid his calloused fingers through her soft hair.

“That was nothing,” Vanya spoke in a meek voice. “We’re not lovers, we’re just... best friends, that’s all. I’m sure he’d do the same thing if it was Isabel.”

She felt a prick inside her when she said that.

“I see,” Erwin mumbled, and a subtle shade of relief that momentarily flashed in his eyes. “How about let’s begin writing the letters to your friends now?” he sounded more pleased.

“Okay,” Vanya nodded gratefully. “I almost forgot about that… I’m not sure where to start, writing makes me more anxious and I don’t know why. I wouldn’t be able to write sensibly when I’m too caught up in forming the letters. And maybe once I did write a word, I’d have forgotten what I was going to write next.”

“That’s fine, I assure you. How about you dictate to me what you want to tell them and I’ll write it down? And whatever I write will serve as your guide so that you can replicate it with your own writing.”

“That can work,” Vanya hummed. She silently watched Erwin pulling out blank sheets of papers along with a pen and ink from his leather satchel. “You really came prepared, huh?” she teased.

“I knew you’d need help,” he said, smiling. He positioned his pen on the blank paper. “Now, go ahead. Just tell me whatever and I’ll follow.”

It was only then did Vanya realize that whatever sentiments and frustrations she wanted to tell her friends, Erwin will have to hear every bit of it. There was no sense of privacy and yet, the woman had no choice; it was either Erwin would write her words or nothing.

She’ll just have to be careful with her words for now until she could eventually write on her own.

“Okay, where to start…” Vanya mumbled. “ _Dear… Furlan_ \-- that’s the standard, right? You always start with _dear_?”

“However you like, Vanya,” Erwin said in a way that sounded encouraging.

She took a deep breath once more before starting again. _“Dear Furlan… I’m terribly sorry it took me this long to write back… Know in my heart how I’ve utterly missed you, Levi, and Isabel_ \-- can you follow, Erwin?”

She stopped to watch Erwin diligently jotting down every word on the paper, almost in a hurry until he paused to look up. “Yes, yes. Don’t mind me, do continue.”

Vanya bit the insides of her cheeks to hold herself back from smiling too much. She couldn’t help but feel so moved at his efforts. Erwin looking so devoted to writing letters for her was quite a precious and priceless sight to behold.

“Just tell me when I’m speaking too fast, alright?”

When Erwin nodded, Vanya began again. “Okay, where was I?”

“Let’s see… _I’ve utterly missed you, Levi, and Isabel._ ”

“Right, hmm… _There’s not a passing day when I don’t think of you three... You give me a reason to wake up each morning in my empty room, and a reminder that I’m not alone before I close my eyes to sleep at night…_ ”

“That’s pleasant to hear,” Erwin piped in, meeting her eyes for a moment before writing it all down.

More than she liked to admit, Vanya found it quite touching to see how invested the man was as he listened and followed. As she concentrated back on what she wanted to say next on the letter, she began to feel uneasy all of a sudden.

Vanya knew that she had to tell her best friends how difficult it had been for her being alone. She needed to tell them how she had been so depressed, anxious, and lonely, or else it would drive her insane. They deserved to know, yet at the same time, she still wasn’t comfortable for Erwin to hear that.

Thus, she decided to devise sentences that she knew only her best friends would understand, and not her trusted writer.

“ _To tell you the truth, these past few weeks have been the worst case of Blue. Sometimes, it’s Red, and never Yellow. There’s no --_ ”

“Worst case of Blue? It’s Red and never Yellow?” Erwin interrupted, clearly confused and a stranger to the color signals.

“Yes, they’ll get it,” Vanya said hurriedly.

His confusion made him hesitate but eventually, he continued writing.

“ _To tell you the truth, these past few weeks have been the worst case of Blue. Sometimes, it’s Red, and never Yellow.There’s no point in being Yellow when you are all far away from me.... But I can… manage. Just the thought of you guys patiently waiting for me is more than enough to get me through the day._ ”

She paused, not only to wait for Erwin to finish but also to think of what she wanted to say next.

“ _Healing is still slow… It still aches whenever I try to use the crutch, so I’m forced to be in bed all day or sometimes on a wheelchair... There’s a garden here as well where I can spend my time and get some sunlight as needed... I must say, the garden here is so beautiful, Isabel would’ve loved it if she were here._ ”

“I have to agree, the garden is indeed beautiful.”

“Erwin, must you always make a comment?”

“I’ll try to control myself,” he chuckled.

Vanya playfully rolled her eyes and continued, “ _Also, I met my half-sister. Would you believe that? Apparently Victoria has one daughter named Alice. And I’m telling you, Alice is nothing like her mother. She is one of the kindest people I’ve ever come across and I can’t wait for you to meet her soon.”_

“ _If it makes you feel better, my situation here isn’t much different than yours in terms of how people on the surface treat us.... You’d think life here is easier just because I’m at the interior but it’s the other way around._ ”

She took a break to sigh. Even Erwin had to look up with an empathetic look.

“ _Imagine Victoria but make it quadruple. Or even more than that. This hospital is full of snobbish and arrogant people, except for my personal nurse. She’s decent although I think deep down she can’t stand me... Apparently, when you’re the illegitimate peasant daughter of a respected doctor, it’s bound for people to ostracize you. It sucks.”_

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Erwin stopped halfway into his writing as he frowned at her.

“I thought you said you were going to control your comments.”

“Not when I know what you’re going through here in this place,” said Erwin, shaking his head.

“No, it’s fine, I can manage,” she insisted, not liking the way she could read the pity all over his gaze. “Just… write.”

The man wasn’t convinced but he continued anyway.

“ _But don’t worry, Furlan_ ,” Vanya emphasized the words to direct it to Erwin as well. “ _I’ll be fine. It’s just two more months until I’m fully better and then I’ll be out of this hospital before you know it… And about your doubts on your mission and your changing views towards the Survey Corps, I just want to tell you how much I honor you for that. I, too, cannot deny the selfless efforts of the Scouts and the cause they’re fighting for, it is truly incredible... And maybe that’s why Cedric chose this path. He realized how vital the regiment is to protect humanity, just like how you’re realizing it now... I know in my heart that my brother would be proud of you in case you choose to actually pursue the same path.”_

Though the deputy didn’t stop to speak up, there was a hint of a proud smile tugging on his face as he continued to scribble.

“ _Believe me when I say that I do share your sentiments regarding the nature of Lovof’s task. If you find it in your heart to abort from the mission, then do it_ \-- “

“You can’t say that,” Erwin cut in disapprovingly

“Why not?”

“The plan is to catch them in the act in front of witnesses to further incriminate Lovof and charge him with attempted murder.”

“Fine,” she grumbled. “I’ll start over… _Believe me when I say that I do share your sentiments regarding the nature of Lovof’s task, but it scares me that there’ll be consequences should you choose to back out. If he can send you three to kill someone, I’m confident that he could do it again: hire someone to kill you three.... I need you all alive, Furlan. You’re all I have left. Please don’t risk it._ ”

“ _That’s all I have for now. Know that I’m alright and that I am always thinking about you all. Though we are far apart, my heart still remains to be strong knowing that you are all well. Just a little more, Furlan, and we’ll be seeing each other again. I’ll see you soon… Sincerely, Vanya._ ”

By the time Vanya finished, it took a few seconds before Erwin also followed suit. He dropped his pen and handed the paper to her.

“Here, how does it look?” he prompted.

She skimmed through his neat handwriting, absorbing her thoughts that she had Erwin projected onto the paper.

“It’s perfect, thank you, Erwin,” Vanya exclaimed in amazement, hugging the paper to her chest.

“You’re welcome,” the man responded before handing a few sheets of paper. But along that, he also handed a few sheets with printed alphabets, equal spaces, and lines. Vanya didn’t recognize it but it was a guide for children to practice their penmanship.

“What’s this?” she inquired as she scanned the guide.

“It’s something you could use to practice your handwriting,” Erwin explained.

Vanya’s mouth went agape. “How did you manage to get this?”

Erwin’s demeanor slightly faltered. “It was in my father’s old office, he used to be a middle school teacher, you see. He would hand these out to his students for them to learn how to write properly.”

“That’s admirable of him,” she said dearly. “ _Used to_ , you say? What is he doing now?”

Vanya knew too late that she shouldn’t have asked when she saw the familiar shade of grief shadowing his face.

“He passed away.”

She laid her small hands on his fists that rested on the table. “I’m… sorry.”

Erwin stared at the way her soft and fragile hands daintily wrapped itself around his strong and tense ones. He relaxed into her touch.

“It’s fine, nothing we can do to change his fate,” he said quietly. “Perhaps we’re much more alike than you’d think.”

Both lost a father, one lost a best friend and one lost a brother, and both are just as the same as the lost souls roaming the earth like faceless nomads to find the answers to the life beyond them.

“Yeah, we are,” Vanya responded with fondness whilst pulling her hand away.

She turned back to the papers. “I guess I should start using this guide first before I replicate your letter.”

“Whatever suits you,” Erwin said before he took out folders and all sorts of files from his satchel.

“You’re not leaving yet?” she questioned as more papers filled the table.

The man shrugged as he arranged the papers in front of him “I figured you might need company while you do that. So I thought of bringing my own paperwork as well, that is, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all!” she beamed happily. “I’d like to have company with me, thank you, Erwin.”

“It’s my pleasure.” Erwin didn’t lie. He truly liked having her around.

Thus began the comfortable silence that ensued between the two adults working on their own paperworks. Vanya was left on her own to practice writing her vowels while Erwin drew out his reports that he had to submit to his commander.

The birds chirped, the afternoon breeze whistled, and the flowers swayed around them with the sound of their pens dancing on crisp pages. But in the midst of that hour, Vanya would occasionally produce a guttural sound of frustration whenever she had made a mistake while Erwin would sneak a few glances at her not just to check on her progress but to simply admire the way she looked with all the flowers behind her.

A few “Erwin, how does this look?” and a couple of “That’s nice, but maybe you could…” were exchanged between them and when an hour had passed, Vanya thought how she was finally ready to replicate the letter.

But Vanya completely underestimated the task. A few attempts had passed and numerous sheets of paper with the letter only halfway done were strewn all over the place all because she was frustrated by the sentences not written in a straight line or how uneven the letters were. It was either they were getting bigger, smaller, uglier, or maybe all of the three combined.

Either way, she found it to be a therapeutic activity. Or perhaps it was just the laudanum that was making her feel at peace.

Once she was able to produce the most decent-looking replicated letter (which still didn’t look no better than a letter written by a middle schooler), she proudly showed it to Erwin.

When the man gave a smile of approval, though fully aware that the woman still had a long way to go in her practice, Vanya gave the most resplendent smile that Erwin was so sure it was enough to make the flowers bloom during the winter.

Right when the soldier thought they were done, Vanya grabbed another fresh sheet of paper and began her cycle of writing a letter again.

“The one you just showed me already looks good enough,” Erwin said in confusion.

“Yeah, I know. I’m writing a different letter,” she replied without looking up. She clicked her tongue when the ink blotched onto the page for pressing her pen down too hard, so she grabbed another blank page.

“To whom?”

“To Levi.”

“Oh…” Erwin mumbled, watching the girl looking so focused as she licked her lips while she wrote at a patchy pace. “Perhaps you want me to write it for you so you can replicate it as well?”

“It’s okay, I think I can do it on my own,” she casually said, lifting her determined eyes to him before she went back to her work.

“Okay..,” the man said with uncertainty, finding it odd of her. “Just tell me if you need help.”

“Actually, I do,” Vanya said, pausing from her writing. “How do you spell out ‘i _diot_ ’?”

Erwin did not expect that at all.

“Is that a serious question?”

“Yes,” she said while biting her lips to hold her laugh. “I’m serious.”

He gave her a quizzical look before he grabbed a paper and wrote the word _‘idiot’_.

“Ahhh, okay, okay, thanks!” Vanya said cheerfully before continuing the letter.

Erwin was about to return to his reports when the girl asked again.

“What about ‘ _luxury_ ’?”

He spelled out the word underneath the ‘ _idiot_ ’ before she thanked him once more and went back to her letter.

But the questions didn’t stop. Every five minutes, Vanya was always asking.

“Are commas really necessary?”

“There’s a difference between _‘your’_ and _‘you’re’_ , right?”

“Did I spell ‘ _especially’_ correct?”

But the question that completely froze Erwin was this:

“ _Love_ is L-O-V-E, right?”

Erwin blinked a few times. His thoughts began to race, wondering how Vanya would ever use that unpredictable word in a letter addressed to Levi, her _just_ _best friend_.

“Yes,” he said reluctantly.

“Alright, I’m almost done.”

As Vanya tediously jotted down the last words, ending the letter with a sign of her name, she gingerly folded the paper and slipped it into an envelope along with her letter addressed to Furlan’s.

She handed the envelope to Erwin, “Could you make sure that this arrives to them safely?”

“I will,” he nodded, tucking the envelope into his satchel.

“Were you able to finish your paperwork?”

“Yes, I did.”

He actually didn’t. Erwin’s mind was too clouded and distracted with possible reasons why Vanya didn’t let him write Levi’s letter. He didn’t like how it felt so torturous. Why was it even a big deal to him?

But besides that, he couldn’t find himself to concentrate on his work when Vanya was sitting across from him -- he liked watching her work. Within the two hours of Vanya writing and practicing her calligraphy, clandestine glances and smiles were traded. And when the woman wasn’t looking, Erwin couldn’t help but stare at how her hair shifts from red to brown from time to time or how her nose puckered up every time she crumpled a paper in frustration, only to do it again in the next five minutes after making a mistake again.

The day eventually came to an end and the time came when they both had to part ways. Vanya needed to go back to her room as instructed by Victoria while Erwin was needed back at the headquarters.

That day, Vanya left the stone table with a smile on her face, and fresh sheets of paper and the helpful penmanship guide provided by Erwin in her arms.

That same day, Erwin left with the imprint of the woman’s beautiful face in his mind and a chest so heavy as purple lilacs bloomed in his heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~

_dear levi_

_hi._

_yes i did receive your letter. im sorry i couldnt write as soon as possible for reasons i would rather you not know because its quite petty._

_so dont kill me._

_also you'll have to excuse my handwriting for now i know its ugly so shut up._

_dont worry too much about your damn handkerchief. i had it washed about 20 times by now so dont be surprised when its all frayed from all the washing once i give it back. that is if i feel like giving it back._

_food here is a luxury. have you ever tried cheese? i eat it here all the time and i quite like it. though i dont think you would. i get to eat chicken too and lots of eggs. also beans and yogurt. apparently that stuff is good for the bones._

_have you been causing a lot of trouble in the barracks? i swear if youre bullying people into having things your way its not going to have a good rep on you in the future. you need to gain peoples trust, youre a soldier now and eventually youll need to learn the value of being in a team if you want to stay alive outside the walls._

_so smile more, idiot._

_and because of that, youll also need to learn how to trust others. most especially furlan and isabel. i know its hard for you to trust people but what good will life be if you keep living in fear? havent we had enough doing that in the underground? believe in our best friends levi. they may not be as strong as you are but theyre more than capable of fending for themselves. free yourself from your fear and pride and everything will eventually fall into place if the universe allows it._

_were a family. families have faith in each other._

_if we cant learn to trust each other then whats the point of staying with each other?_

_thats why i need you to trust me as well. trust that i will fight for my life until my bones are better. but even then i wont stop fighting. i wont stop until i make sure we’re all together again, living happily on the surface. just you me furlan and isabel. we will soon be home together again. i can feel it. i dont care where it will be though i know how near it feels. as long as were all together then thats already home to me._

_i pray that you are safe and well levi. your handkerchief is always in my hands just like how your name along with furlans and isabels are always in my heart._

_hopefully i shall write again soon._

_i miss you levi._

_very much._

_love,_

_vanya_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still finals season for me and I swear I'm gonna D word due to the amount of workload that I have to do. Please bear with me as this story will be having slow updates for now huuu. Though next week or so, I will start updating regularly, one chapter a week.
> 
> There are three things I would like to point out in this specific chapter. 
> 
> 1\. WE HAVE A NEW CHARACTER YAY!! I was so excited to introduce Alice because she's the exact opposite of Victoria HAHA she'll also an important role in Vanya's character development
> 
> 2\. Laudanum is an actual drug that was mainly used during the Victorian era. If you search Mother Bailey's Quieting Syrup, it's actually real. It's a tincture mixed with opium powder and high concentrations of alcohol and during that time, doctors would actually prescribe it to anyone to treat flus, sleeplessness, body pain, literally anything. I've been researching how opium affects drinkers and based from reddit posts, opium actually doesn't give you the giggly high like how weed feels. In fact, it made them perform better in their work. Everything feels light and easy that they could also drive. Apparently, you'd also act 'sober', you're more emotionally invested in things and more empathetic. So yes, that's how Vanya is feeling during this chapter and the last two.
> 
> 3\. From now on, Hange will now be referred to as they/them. I don't want to misgender them since Isayama said it himself that he didn't want Hange to have a specific gender pronoun. To respect that, I will also do the same. 
> 
> Also, please do tell me if you prefer shorter chapters. Lately, my chapters have been at least 8k and reaching up to 13k and I'd like to know if you'd rather have me divide it and distribute it to the future chapters or stick with 1 full long chapter. The reason why I've been doing the long chapters instead of short but many is because I didn't want this arc to have so many chapters. I really want to hurry up and start writing season 1. omg 20 chapters in and i still havent written season 1?? THATS CRAZY AHDBJSSDH
> 
> To be quite honest, I'm not really happy with this chapter. I'm so stressed and uninspired and I feel like it really shows in how slow this particular chapter is. But I'd like to thank you guys if you're still reading at this point. You guys are amazing and I love you :(
> 
> Till the next chapter!
> 
> frankie xo


	24. Under the Light, Part 5: Through The Withdrawal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I begin this chapter, I would just like to express how OVERWHELMED AND TOUCHED I am by all of your comments from the previous chapter. I couldn't stop reading them the whole day, if only you guys knew how it brought so much happiness into my heart. AND YES I CRIED WHILE READING THEM. I was really feeling so down and insecure about my writing and reading your words brought so much relief and strength into my heart. 
> 
> I would like to give a shoutout to these lovely readers:
> 
> uncp2021, campyouisTHATway, phatpistat, h3llu, FeatherSkin, collectorofsalads, chanled. alohabeatles, smol_child, hello123. and last but not least bitterlemondrops (michele i love you)
> 
> all of you guys have been nothing but sweet and wonderful, i don't deserve you guys at all but i love you all from the very bottom of my heart :((
> 
> OKAY THE CHAPTER BEGINS HEHEH

**_Year 844_ **

****

"Stop fidgeting, Vanya. It's unbecoming for a young lady."

Victoria's cold and crisp voice pierced through the awkward silence that ensued in the sumptuous carriage they were riding in.

"And for heavens' sake, sit up straight."

"Mother, stop it!"

"And you're no even better, my child. You ought to control your mouth and the amount of feathers you put on your head piece -- it's atrocious, Alice. Discard it right away once we get home."

Alice gasped in offense but didn't do anything to remove the feathers on her hair as she shot Victoria a look of contempt from her seat beside the old woman. "Since when have you ever taken a notice of the things I wear and make, much more, care about it?"

It only made Vanya slump further into her seat across the elegant pair who were staring down at each other with such vexation. The redhead could never ever imagine herself exchanging words with her own mother in a similar hateful manner -- what a despicable act would that be.

She wouldn't actually think that Victoria and Alice were even related if it weren't for her initial meeting with her half-sister. But the more Vanya scrutinized their features, their blonde hair and chiseled features did have such an uncanny resemblance. And their manner of bickering was just too similar and domineering like two falcons hounding at each other that Vanya couldn't help but cower during the whole ride.

"Vanya, I said, sit up straight, there's nothing more that irks me than having to repeat myself." Victoria berated the girl once again but even more severely. "And, goodness, you're drenched in sweat! You best wipe that off before you soak this whole carriage," she spat.

But Vanya was too lethargic to comprehend anything at this point. She didn't even have the energy to talk back at the old woman no matter how tempting it was. Three months had already passed since she was first admitted to the hospital, enduring through countless treatments, and rigorous sessions of physical therapy. Now, she was finally discharged when the results of her examination presented that her bones were now healed, albeit it would take a few more days for her to get used to standing upright on her own on both feet.

And though the papers say she was already healthy and cured, deep down it felt like the opposite.

Vanya tried to straighten her posture and wipe the sweat off of her face with the sleeves of her shabby dress. But somehow, she felt too weak to even raise her arms, and sitting up straight seemed like a difficult task when an invisible force was weighing her down.

Pity drew itself all over Alice's face when she witnessed the frail state of her younger sister. She snapped at her mother with a glare, "You musn't chastise her, mother. You, of all people, should know how painful withdrawal is."

"Withdrawal?" Vanya wondered out loud. And what did Alice mean when she said Victoria should know how painful it was?

She began to shiver. Suddenly, her skin prickled with coldness and chills that she instinctively wrapped her arms around her body. It was a bizarre sensation; she was sweating buckets yet the temperature around her felt icy even if the sun outside was blazing its summer heat onto Stohess.

She then asked Alice and Victoria, sitting in front of her and looking unfazed by whatever heat or coldness she was feeling. "Doesn't it strangely feel cold in here...?"

"No, it's just you experiencing symptoms of withdrawal," said Victoria rather brusquely.

"Withdrawal from what?"

"From the laudanum," Alice muttered. "When was your last dose?"

Frankly, Vanya was too exhausted to think but she answered anyway. "I don't know... Yesterday morning, maybe?"

It was already afternoon when they travelled with a carriage towards a destination Vanya wasn't quite certain where. Earlier in her last moments being in the hospital before they left, she was experiencing the same crankiness and itch for her daily dose of laudanum. She didn't understand why Nurse Maya was no longer holding a tray of her medications when she entered the room. Instead the nurse had to break the news that Vanya was now to be discharged from the hospital and that all prescriptions and whatever medication she used to take will no longer be administered as needed -- and that included Mother Bailey's Quieting Syrup.

Never had Vanya felt so dismayed and shattered.

"I advise you now, these coming days will be difficult for you --"

"Difficult is an understatement," Alice interrupted her mother.

Victoria coldly narrowed her eyes at her daughter.

"But why? I thought I was well?" Vanya asked.  
  
The directress began to explain, "As you know, for the past three months, your body had developed dependence on the laudanum, which altered the chemical balance in your body. For your body to function normally, it recognized the new role of laudanum to keep that balance intact. But now that you are to embark the next few days without the substance your body uses so regularly, expect that this balance will now be thrown off."

"And... what happens then?" Vanya asked.

"You'll be manifesting discomforting symptoms as a result of the disruptions in your hormones," Victoria pressed her lips tightly after saying those words. "Excessive sweating is one of them. You'll also have to expect similar symptoms to that of a flu."

"But worse," Alice added grimly. "There's vomiting, troubles in sleeping, muscle ache -- "

"I believe I'm the only person in this carriage who's qualified to disclose such," Victoria snapped. "Had you chosen to pursue the medical path then maybe I would have given you the floor to speak."

The daughter's face hardened as she clenched her jaws. "I don't need to be a doctor to share what I had to painfully witness when you were going through -- "

"Alice!"

Vanya and Alice flinched when the old woman had shrieked with such anger.

"And here I thought I did a splendid job teaching you manners and how to hold your tongue," Victoria scowled.

Alice turned away and looked out the window to gaze at the streets of Stohess passing by as their carriage trundled. "Well you didn't," she bitterly said under her breath. She was so tempted to say more than that: that Victoria barely spent time with her own daughter that Alice was obliged to settle with only the company of a governess to teach her.

Truthfully, Vanya wasn't in the mood to deal with their bickerings when she was a sweaty and shivering mess. At the same time, there was something crawling underneath the layers of her skin that was gnawing on her, making her fingers and toes fidget endlessly with the salient need to move. But even with the urgent need to make herself move to get rid of the prickly feeling in her muscles, she felt too fatigued. Her body felt too heavy and her eyes blinked slowly with tiny hints of tears welling up in the corners. What was happening?

Vanya yawned, "Perhaps the laudanum would help. You said it was a miracle syrup."

"No, no, no, darling, I don't think you understand," Alice shook her head with a frown."The laudanum will only aggravate your symptoms, it's the one that caused it in the first place."

"Then why give it to me from the beginning?"

Alice grumbled whilst glancing at Victoria scornfully, "I wonder the same thing."

"Oh, don't give me that look," the old woman glowered. "I'm certain how grateful Vanya is for my prescribing her that tincture, are you not, dear? Pray tell when was the last time you had one of those awful attacks."

No matter how much Vanya hated to admit it, the directress was right: the tincture helped her greatly in her difficulty that she could no longer recall the last time she had an attack.

Victoria took the redhead's silence as a positive feedback so the old woman smugly said, "I told you, Alice, it's about time you stop questioning your own mother. A mother always knows best."

Alice was about to say something much more spiteful when Vanya spoke up, "I'm not allowed to take anymore of that tincture... right?"

"Absolutely not! The more you take it, the worse your withdrawal will be," Alice exclaimed. "You're not getting anymore of that once we get home."

"Home?" Vanya asked in confusion. "We're going home? And where is that?"

"Did you actually think we were going to send you off elsewhere after having you discharged?" Victoria raised an eyebrow.

"In all honesty, I'm not expecting you all to be kind-hearted enough to take me in."

"Then you must have thought wrongly of us, Claires, then," Victoria responded sharply. "It is a disgrace to abandon any person bearing our name and honor. Unless you know of anyone else on the surface who'd be willing to take you in perhaps? Though I highly doubt you poor thing would have any other acquaintances here. Or how about entering the convent to be a novice? They'd be more than happy to accommodate a poor soul like you."

At this point, the directress was now back to regarding Vanya with such mockery and condescension. But the youngest woman was too tired to put up a fight at this point.

"I suppose I have no other choice then..." Vanya muttered.

"Splendid," Victoria flashed a smirk. "From here on, you shall take residence in our house for the whole duration of your formal education. I shall discuss with you the plans I have for your medical training in the mere future. For now, you shall focus on your recovery as you will be needing it most."

By recovery, Vanya guessed it had to do with her body enduring through the excruciating stages of withdrawal.

Victoria leaned forward with narrowed eyes as sharp as a blade.

"Though I must remind you, Vanya, you are a Claire, no matter how hard you try to dismiss it. I see no reason why you had to retain your mother's worthless family name when the bearing of your father's name alone holds a formidable bearing, and I expect of you to carry it with pride and honor," she said with such vigilance. "Once you step into our house, you ought to behave just like a Claire and abide by the ways and mannerisms of nobility. Should you act like your foul and scrawny Underground peers then you leave me no choice but to send you to the nearest convent. At least there you'll be taught some manners."

Vanya couldn't even dare herself to speak at this point. Victoria was merciless; she didn't even show a sliver of pity nor care at the girl's debilitated state. She wanted to retaliate and say that "Ronan" wasn't a worthless name, her best friends weren't foul nor scrawny, and she didn't want to act like those pretentious and greedy noblemen the way Victoria was expecting her to be.

She badly had the urge to say that if upholding her father's name would entail her being someone she didn't want to be then she wouldn't want any of it.

But alas, Vanya was just too fatigued that all she did was give the old hag a nod just to shut her up.

"Mother, it's best not to fuss her any longer, she needs to rest," Alice's tone carried so much temper yet the way she reached for her sister's clammy hand was full of tenderness and care.

The carriage halted, causing the three women to turn their heads to the window.

"We're home," announced Victoria.

The coachman opened the door and offered a hand to the oldest woman as she stepped out of the car. Alice followed behind and when it was Vanya's turn to take the servant's hand, she had to stop midway just to gawk at the building that welcomed her.

A large white rectangular house of three storeys stood tall in front of her. The grand building had almost an identical architecture with the adjacent buildings in the lavish neighborhood. The black iron wrought gates had such an intricate design that contrasted against the polished white paint of the building; the stucco columns looked glossy against the summer light while the symmetric windows had cream colored drapings from the inside, hiding whatever warmth and secrecy the mansion contained.

"Come now, Vanya," Victoria snapped impatiently, who was already standing by the gates.

Vanya closed her mouth before she gingerly took the servant's hand and stepped off the courage. She looked around her to marvel at the beautiful neighborhood of Stohess District. They were at a street not far from the busy and lively commercial area. Instead of seeing plazas and shops, the block was lined with grandiose houses with the same uniform designs of white structures and grandiloquent embellishments.

Alice, who was waiting for her, took her arm to her side as she brought Vanya towards the entrance of her new home. They walked slowly and steadily since the girl had yet to get used to walking again on both feet after being restrained to a wheelchair or a bed for too long.

"You really live here?" Vanya ogled.

She was answered by the light chuckle of her sister. "For 28 years. But don't be fooled by its size, it gets lonely inside without a company."

When Alice dragged her into the house, two female servants bowed to them at the entrance. Vanya, who had never experienced being bowed to, did the same, and her action caught the servants by surprise.

Instantly, Vanya regretted it. Was it a mistake to bow back to the servants?

"Welcome to your new home," Alice said cordially when they entered the magnificent entrance hall.

Everything in the interior looked spacious and bright with the white walls and gold-accented furniture. There was a grand staircase laid out in front of them and when Vanya looked up, the luxurious chandelier glimmered above them as light streamed through the high windows draped with plush pastel embroidered curtains and golden tassels. The floor was marbled and so shiny that Vanya was sure she could see every speck of dust on her face through the reflection.

"Wow..." Vanya could only gasp.

"Do you like it?" her sister asked eagerly.

The redhead couldn't speak -- she was far too overwhelmed. All her life she lived in a decrepit house that was a quarter of the size of the mansion's entrance hall alone. She was used to seeing moldy and cracked walls, and furniture with stains she didn't know where it came from. It was always dark in her childhood home with nothing but the candlelight to provide some illumination.

But now, Vanya stood with all these white polished walls, wide glass windows, and gilded furnishings and she knew she should feel happy and grateful. But buried in the depths of her heart, she felt even more hollow.

"Yeah... I like it," she murmured though there wasn't a trace of delight in her eyes.

Alice's smile slightly faded. She thought that perhaps her younger sister was too exhausted and that her body was still adjusting to the absence of the drug.

"I'll show you around," Alice tried her best to sound cheerful as she pulled Vanya along the different rooms.

As they walked through the halls, the servants were curiously eyeing their new guest, most especially her choice of clothing. Vanya's brown tattered dress that resembled a rug didn't seem befitting against the white walls, and the fine ornaments of the house.

Alice toured her first to the drawing room, which had to be the most opulently organized room in the whole household. The whole room was lined with meticulously designed wallpapers with flowers and vines as details that matched the embroidery of the carpeted floors and the window curtains. There were mahogany couches and seats with plush cushions, bookshelves that reached the ceiling, round tables covered with more intricately embroidered fabric, a grand piano, landscape paintings, and a fireplace with a magnificent mantelpiece.

Vanya was so scared to walk around, in fear that she might bump into a table and send gilded candle holders and ceramics toppling over. After that, she was dragged along by her older sister towards the dining hall where a long table with shiny plates and silverwares greeted her. She guessed that the table alone can accommodate about 15 guests.

When they ascended the grand staircase, they were met with a hallway full of doors and more paintings on the walls.

"That's..." Vanya mumbled when one painting caught her eye. It was a portrait of a fine man with dark hair and emerald green eyes. He was wearing a black formal suit while his expression was neutral and unsmiling.

"Papa..."

Vanya couldn't help but inch closer to the large painting and let her fingers roam on the textured canvas. It's been so long since she had seen her father's face as she had not a single drawing of him. Though the memory of his handsome features was still alive in her mind, all she could feel was pain when she beheld the painting that accurately drew every detail of his features, from his sharp cheekbones to the fervor in his eyes.

"Father's study is just right behind that door," Alice said, pointing at the door adjacent to the portrait. "Maybe you'd want to have a look?"

Vanya gulped, lifting her hand off the painting. "Yes, please. I'd love that."

Fortunately, the study wasn't locked. When they entered the room, the first thing Vanya noticed was that every corner of the room was covered with dusty displays of even more books. The room was much darker and richer in color with all the brown and maroon furniture. There were odd looking instruments, jars filled with unknown murky liquid, and scattered ledgers.

On the study table, there were even more stacks of parchment papers and books. Vanya stepped closer and saw papers messily strewn all over the surface with a pen and ink on top as if the owner had stopped writing midway.

As if Edward's disappearance was all too sudden that he too did not see it coming for him that he left an unfinished business in his study.

Vanya's hands glided along the spines of the stacked books.

_Handbook of Medicinal Plants in Wall Sina._   
_Pharmacodynamic Basis of Herbal Medicine.  
_ _I_ _ntroduction to Plants, Major Groups, Flowering Plant Families._

She turned her attention to the papers and recognized her father's handwriting.

_Queen of the Meadow (Filipendula ulmaria)_   
_Also called: bridewort, sweet hay_   
_FAMILY: Rosaceae_   
_PARTS USED: Flowers, leaves, stems_   
_IDENTIFICATION AND CULTIVATION: Erect stems are 2 to 4 feet tall. Fern Like leaves are downy underneath and dark green on top, 1 to 4 inches long. White flower tufts borne atop erect stems. Collect the flowers in midsummer; the white tufts are hard to miss. Found in woodland gardens with dappled shade, bog gardens, moist banks, and meadows_   
_MEDICINAL USES: Relieves pain, fever, and inflammation. Helps release toxins, relieves gout. Eases diarrhea._   
_CONTRADICTIONS: Extremely high doses may cause nausea. Some medications interact with salicylic acid and can cause skin irritations and other problems._   
_INFUSION: 1 or 2 teaspoons per cup, steep 8 to 10 minutes, 1 to 3 cups per day_   
_TINCTURE: 1 to 3 dropperfuls per day_

There were even more pages of different profiles of plants written in their father's sophisticated penmanship. Some flowers Vanya recognized but most it was the first time she had ever heard of like Squaw Vine, Balsam Poplar, and Blessed Thistle.

"Why did papa spend so much time writing all these down?" Vanya asked Alice who looked disinterested and bored.

The blonde woman yawned, "I've no idea. Plants never interested me so I never bothered looking through his study." But Alice stopped to scrutinize the countless pages of the handwritten profiles. "But I surmise our father is writing a manuscript."

"Manuscript? You mean, he wished to publish a book?"

"Or a dissertation but who knows?" Alice shrugged. "I wouldn't spend my remaining days writing all these down only for it to be locked away in my study. If I expend that much effort, then I wish for people to read my hard work."

"Fair point," Vanya hummed before turning back to the papers.

She flipped each page one by one, scanning through all the profiles and letting the information sink in so that she could use it in the future. But when she landed on a page that only had one written line, she stopped.

" _Flora of Paradis: A Medicinal Guide,_ " Vanya read the words out loud.

"Must be the tentative title," Alice suggested.

Vanya's eyebrows knitted together. "Paradis?"

"Perhaps he had meant to write 'paradise'. The old man might have disappeared before he even got the chance to complete the word. But then again, who knows?"

Who knows?

Vanya hated hearing those words -- she hated not knowing.

Underneath the title page, there was a small portrait of a flower no bigger than the size of her palm. She picked it up to study the black and white illustration closely and was amazed by how vividly drawn it was on the glossy paper. The flower almost resembled a rose bud but the difference was, it had long and wispy anthers in the middle of the bud.

She began to wonder what medium was used. Oil? Ink? Pastel? Or perhaps it was a printed drawing ripped from a newspaper?

But the paper was different. It was smooth and shiny, nothing Vanya had ever touched before.

"This... drawing," she said out loud. "It's well made."

"Indeed, it's the only thing that sparked my interest. Never had I ever seen such a drawing so detailed," said Alice.

Vanya flipped the portrait and read the only words that were written.

 _Sohalia Flower_.

"How curious, I haven't heard of this nor read of it," Vanya mused, flipping through the pages of profiles to see if there was any information about the Sohalia flower.

But even after searching through the contents of the books, she could not find a single mention of the intriguing plant.

"Who told you two ladies to snoop into your father's study?"

Alice and Vanya tensed at the voice behind them.

They nervously craned their heads to the direction of the door to see Victoria standing there with her cane and a look of disdain splattered all over her wrinkled face.

"Mother, we were just --"

Victoria raised her palm and in an instant, her daughter shut her mouth.

"In what world did I ever allow you to enter Edward's study?" she harshly directed the question to Alice who couldn't meet her eyes. "You ought to know that this room is restricted, no one is allowed to be in this room. You should know better than that, Alice."

Vanya heard her older sister sucking in a shaky breath. Suddenly, she felt guilty for putting Alice in this humiliating situation when she was the one who said yes to wanting to enter the study.

"It's my fault," Vanya tried to speak with a brave tone but only a squeaky sound came out. "I told her I wanted to see this room."

"I don't care," Victoria snapped. Then, she turned to her own daughter. "Alice, bring Vanya to her room right this instant and never show your faces here in this very room again."

Alice bit her lips and balled her fist before she took Vanya's arm. "Let's go..."

They scurried out of the room but before they passed the door, Vanya stole a glance at Victoria and caught her face looking so somber and wistful.

When both women exited their father's study, Vanya swore she heard the sound of someone breaking into tears and devastatingly calling out, "Oh, Edward..."

"Alice, is your mother...?"

"Yes,' Alice murmured as they drew farther away from the study and down the hallway. "Mother would do that all the time, I've caught her so many times. She'd visit father's room and just..."

"Cry?" Vanya finished.

The older sister nodded gravely, choosing not to say anything before she stopped in front of the door at the end of the hallway.

"This is your bedroom," Alice said before turning the gold doorknob and pushed the door open.

Vanya could barely hold your mouth from falling to the ground.

The room had to be too large for only one person to occupy. The size tantamounted to that of the kitchen, dining area, and living room combined in Vanya's childhood home in the Underground. The walls were plastered with baby blue and white wallpapers which emitted an invigorating atmosphere around them. It had a canopy bed with white laces and ribbons for curtains, numerous fluffy white pillows, and silk sheets.

Vanya walked towards the large and heavily draped windows, only to find that her room had its own balcony. She opened the balcony door to let the afternoon breeze kiss her cheeks. The view of a bridge over a river unfolded before her along with the expanse of Stohess' magnificent landscape. Over the edge of the tall walls, the sun was at the precipice of sinking, which casted colors of violets and oranges all over the skies.

Though she was feeling cold and fatigued, Vanya willed herself to close her eyes, lean against the iron railings, and let the breath of the Universe embrace her and the depth of emptiness she was nursing in her heart.

"Vanya, let me show you something," whispered Alice, laying a hand on her shoulder.

Vanya opened her eyes slowly and turned to her sister who was shining a soft smile at her.

"Come on," Alice held her hand and pulled her back into her room and led her to a large white wardrobe beside a quaint dressing table. "Open it," the sister prompted.

Vanya slowly held both golden varnished handles and opened the wardrobe to reveal a rack of voluminous pieces of fabric of different pastel colors. When Vanya pulled one, she realized that they were dresses. Her hands ran through different materials: cotton, silk, satin, and tulle. She fiddled with their laces and ruffles, wondering how it feels to be wearing them.

"They're all yours, I tailored them just for you," Alice excitedly said from behind her.

Vanya whipped her head in shock to her direction. "You made all these? For me?"

Alice giggled whilst putting a hand on Vanya's cheek and stroking it with her thumb gently. "Of course, I own Stohess' finest and most sought after boutique." She then pulled out one dress from the wardrobe. It was a yellow floral-printed cotton dress with long sleeves that were puffed on the shoulders, and the hem of the long skirt was ruffled. There were white laces on the square neckline and at the hems of the sleeves, giving a soft, youthful and simple look to whoever will wear it.

"This is the first one I tailored. Right after I visited you the first time in the hospital, I went straight to my boutique and began sewing this dress. The moment I saw you, my intuition told me you have to own a yellow dress, and a design already came to mind. And so, I jumped into work and eventually, it came to this."

Alice ushered Vanya to the full body mirror and held the dress in front of the redhead's thin body. Through the reflection, Vanya's complexion seemed to look brighter when paired to the yellow print. Her green eyes glinted as she marvelled at how her frame appeared with the dress.

"I had to estimate your measurements, of course. But I'm known to have keen eyes so it shouldn't be a problem."

"Alice... this is too kind of you," Vanya gasped as she pressed the dress onto her body and imagined herself wearing it. Never had she owned a dress with this color, nor any other bright and soft colors. In the Underground, she only owned about five brown dresses made from hand-me-down clothes, a few trousers, and blouses of her mother's.

"There's no such thing as 'too much' when I'm doing it for my sister," Alice gave a warm smile through the mirror.

Vanya pursed her lips, feeling overwhelmed by the kindness her sister had been offering her for the past few months. "Thank you..."

Alice rubbed her sister's shoulder delicately. "Anything for you, darling."

"Not just for the dress, but for all the times you came by to my room to keep me company," Vanya added in a hushed tone as she recalled how her older sister dropped by every single day for three months.

"I wouldn't want you to be alone with only the company of that nurse and my mother. Oh gosh, how awful would that be if only you had my mother as company."

A small smile tugged on Vanya's lips. "That would be horrid, I'd probably rather die."

"That, I couldn't agree with you more," Alice laughed before she returned the dress back to its place in the wardrobe. "Supper will be served in a few, let's head downstairs."

"Actually, Alice, uhmm," Vanya fumbled as she looked down on her feet, and wrapped her arms around her body. "Will it be alright if I just rest for now? I feel..."

Tired? Was that word enough to actually capture how her body wanted to collapse at every given moment? How she would be fazed by sporadic spurs of hot flashes, outpours of sweat, and constant shiverings? The fatigue was beginning to obscure her mind, and though her bones were already healed, her muscles were throbbing with echoes of pain along with her head.

If only she had a damn bottle of that laudanum

Alice, who didn't lie when she said she had keen eyes, noticed her hesitation and discomfort. She exclaimed in a rush, "Heavens, how could I be so stupid? Of course, yes. You need your rest for the rest of the evening. I'll have a maid deliver you your meal. Just make yourself comfortable for now, and do give us a holler should you need anything. There are servants stationed outside so they'll be able to hear, alright?"

Vanya nodded weakly. Alice planted a chaste kiss on her forehead and sighed. "Mother and I were serious when we said that these next days will be difficult for you, withdrawal shouldn't be taken too lightly."

"I'll be fine, Alice, please --"

"Vanya, you don't understand," Alice interrupted with a heavy tone. "I've witnessed how unbearable withdrawal can be to a person." She became silent for a moment, dropping her head before she continued. "Mother was a laudanum user for a year..."

Vanya was speechless. She couldn't think of anything to say with her sister looking so grim.

"Ever since the Military Police claimed father to be dead, everything just went downhill for mother. It became a turbulent time for her and she never became the same again," Alice recounted glumly. "She resorted to laudanum. I never understood why she went through that when I thought she didn't feel anything for father, I thought she never loved him."

The image of Victoria crying in Edward's study flashed in Vanya's mind. And from there, she finally understood why Victoria gave her the same substance that could spare her from feeling the pain yet cause her affliction at the same time.

Victoria perfectly knew what it's like to deal with the aching feeling of losing someone important, and that feeling is so strong that it disrupted the way she lived. Nothing ever feels the same anymore when every single second of her life was always dreading for the next panic attack to come, when everything around her were faint remnants of what Edward used to be. Maybe Victoria had her own shares of attacks and maybe she thought that a drug made of opium mixed with alcohol could save her from her misery.

And maybe when she saw Vanya enduring through the same suffering, Victoria thought that she could save the young woman from her own misery as well.

"I'll constantly check up on you, darling," Alice rubbed Vanya's shoulder one last time before she walked towards the door and left.

Vanya was left alone in her room with the looming silence as her only company. The sun outside had already completely set, and the night skies casted its shadows into the bedroom while the winds blew through her curtains like ship sails venturing the seas at dark.

She didn't have any energy in her to light a candle, and at the same time, she felt that she deserved to be in this darkness, with only the moonlight as her friend. Vanya crept towards her bed and let her body fall onto the soft mattress. For a moment, she let herself revel into the cold silk sheets against her sweaty skin as she stared up at the curtains of her bed.

The room was much too big. There were too many laces, ribbons, and other gaudy ornaments for her liking.

It was just _too_ much.

Vanya's mind began to wander to the thought of her dead family. Even if Edward had already walked the halls of the mansion, she wondered what it would be like to live here with Lily and Cedric. A poor family of four would definitely live happily here in this home with all its glory and lavishness.

She then thought of Levi, Furlan, and Isabel. What were they doing now in the barracks? Did they still miss her? Was Furlan still trying to find the documents? How many people have Isabel already charmed? What was Levi thinking right now?

This big house she was in -- one day, she would live in another house, but this time, maybe bigger. And this time, it would be with her three best friends. No servants, no Victoria or Alice, just the four of them living together after living in hell for all their lives. Perhaps that time would be in the next months, maybe next year or a few years from now. It could even be tomorrow.

Who knows?

But now, Vanya was **alone**.

The room was too big, the ornaments were too much, the air was too cold yet she was feeling hot, and she was alone. And she felt like she was going to die.

It was too dark, the moonlight was too faint, and she was too weak to light a candle. She curled up onto the sheets, feeling too small and overwhelmed at how the baby blue and white walls seemed to expand and enclose in on her.

And then, she was crying.

After two months of not having it, she was finally experiencing another attack.

She curled her body like a fetus even further as her chest started to breathe too fast, she couldn't catch up. As she hyperventilated, both of her hands fisted her hair as she let the tears and her sweat drench the sheets.

She was going to **die** , and she was **alone**.

Vanya wanted to scream, holler to the servants for help just as Alice instructed. But she couldn't even utter a single word when she was getting choked by her heavy breathing and racing heartbeat.

Was this it? Was she going to **die alone**?

Even if she was feeling dizzy and all she could see and feel was pain, she found the strength to reach into her pocket.

When she felt the familiar white handkerchief in her grasp, she pulled it out and held it close to her lips.

_"Vanya, I'm here... breathe in and out for me, will you?"_

A deep voice in her head whispered. Vanya let herself be embraced by this loving voice, feeling her senses slowly calming down.

_"You're safe... I got you... Nothing's going to hurt you, I'm here and you're_ **_not alone_ ** _..."_

There was nothing Vanya longed for in this moment than to have Levi hold her safe and close into his arms. She remembered every detail of the feeling of his forehead against hers, his slender fingers combing through her hair, and his lips so close as sweet nothings escaped with his breath.

At this point, Vanya finally stopped hyperventilating. She pressed the handkerchief to her lips as she sobbed, soaking the white cloth.

This house was too big -- it wasn't what she wanted. She thought that spacious entrance halls, fancy drawing rooms, and collections of fine trinkets could finally satisfy her. But it only made her feel even weaker and smaller.

The warmth of safety, of belongingness, and of love -- that's what she only wanted.

But for now, she could only trust the darkness and the moonlight to provide her that.  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~

No one warned Vanya that the second day of withdrawal was the absolute worst.

The next morning, she was awoken by the servants drawing the curtains open, and clicking their tongues at the sight of the girl sleeping in her ugly dress instead of the nightgown they had prepared for her.

She couldn't even recall when she had fallen asleep. Her eyes were still sore from crying all night and she was still holding Levi's handkerchief.

Vanya felt too sick to get up. Her head, along with every fiber of her muscles ached, while her skin was heating up with sweat all over her body. Her insides churned, and she swore, she was going to vomit first thing in the morning.

No matter how many times she groaned and moaned her protests, the servants were still able to drag her into a tub, wherein she was scrubbed clean to the bone. Vanya was too exhausted to put up a fight, and she was feeling too nauseated to speak, so she let the servants do whatever they wanted with her.

No soon after, the servants dressed her with a pretty light blue cotton dress with polka dots all over the loose skirt that stopped past her ankles ("Lady Alice's request, Miss Vanya," the maid insisted.). They even styled her hair into a low bun, with a few strands falling at her sides to frame her gentle face.

When she looked at the mirror, Vanya only saw a pale and thin stranger in a blue dress.

She was then led downstairs and to the dining hall, where Victoria and Alice were waiting for her as they sat for breakfast. Plates of biscuits, and pastries were laid out onto the table, along with slices of meat, and a small serving of butter. The aroma of tea wafted into Vanya's senses, but it only made her feel sick even more.

"Good morning, darling," Alice chimed cheerfully from her seat, and gestured to the spot across her. "Please, do sit. You must have food in your stomach."

Vanya didn't feel so hungry at all. In fact, she thought that eating would only worsen her urge to vomit at every moment. Nevertheless, she reluctantly walked towards the table and sat down.

Victoria, who sat proudly at the head of the table, spoke blandly, "I trust that you were able to get sufficient rest."

It was obvious that Vanya didn't get her 'sufficient rest'. Her sore eyes from crying all night were still as clear as crystals.

When the redhead turned to her, Vanya's mind couldn't get enough of the image of Victoria being alone and lonesome in Edward's study. But now, the directress looked as stern as she normally was.

"A bit," Vanya muttered.

"The dress suits you so well," Alice piped in, wanting to diffuse the tension. "It's the 11th dress that I had made for you."

"Just how many dresses did you actually make for me?" asked Vanya.

The young blonde woman tapped her chin as she thought for the answer. "Hmmm... I'm quite certain I'm currently making your 37th dress, which is still at the shop."

Vanya's eyes widened. "37!? Alice, you don't have to trouble yourself. I'm already fine with three dresses."

"Three dresses? Goodness, what woman in the interior would ever live with three dresses?" Alice screeched in an appalled tone.

Vanya sunk further into her seat in embarrassment.

"Alice is right," Victoria said sharply as she sipped her tea. "As I have reminded you yesterday, you are now to live in the ways of an individual living in the interior. With that being said, it shall entail you requiring to undergo changes from the way you look, dress, speak, and behave. I cannot allow an ill-mannered peasant to live under this roof, I expect you to be a woman of civility and integrity. Can I expect that from you, Vanya?"

Under the table, Vanya was already crumpling her dress with her fist as she tried her best to repress her anger. She? An ill-mannered peasant? To think that Victoria would always grab at every opportunity to be so patronizing and arrogant was just all too ridiculous.

"Yes, ma'am," she grumbled bitterly.

"Excellent. Now, I cannot send you to a university in Mitras just yet to have you formally commence your formal education in medicine."

"Why not?" Vanya intruded.

Victoria's eyebrow arched mockingly. "Do you actually think you're already worthy enough to attend a prestigious institute along with several other ladies of high stations from other noble families? Your dreadful calligraphy alone is a telltale confirmation of how you wouldn't last a day there. Dear God, I can only imagine your literacy equals to that of an eight year old."

"Mother, she's already practicing with her guides," Alice chided before she turned to Vanya questioningly. "Which by the way, where did you get those guides?"

Vanya, whose blood was practically boiling with anger, tried her best to answer calmly. "From a friend."

"Which friend?" Alice asked.

"Erwin Smith," Victoria answered smoothly. "Is that right, Vanya?"

Vanya was controlling herself from wiping the smirk off the old hag's face. "How did you know?"

"He seems to be a pleasant acquaintance, I must say. What a fine and dashing man," Victoria commented slyly. "Such a shame he only visited twice."

Indeed, Erwin's last visit was the time when he helped Vanya in writing the letters. He never returned ever since. Though it didn't bother Vanya that much, knowing how busy of a man he was at the regiment, she couldn't help but wonder why.

"Erwin Smith!?" Alice exclaimed in disgust. "He gave you those guides? Why would he do that? Does he not have any other duties to attend to?"

"Quit your yapping, dear. No lady should raise her voice at the table."

"But mother, Erwin Smith is a soldier of a regiment that's doomed to fail. Have you not heard of the spreading propaganda about dissolving the Scouts? Surely, there could be nothing more humiliating than that for his reputation!"

"Let our dear Vanya acquaint herself with people of stature. After all, a wise person knows that great riches in life isn't only reflected in how much you earn but also in the connections she has. These relationships will come in handy eventually should you find yourself in a compromising position." Victoria remarked haughtily.

"Are you implying that friends are only there for your own use whatever's convenient for you?" Vanya asked, revolted.

"Young lady, you should do better to use your charms to gain advantage. That's all there is within these walls, it's survival. Not every woman in society is privileged enough to reach so far. That is why I advise you to do whatever it takes to rise up, you cannot afford to dilly dally about. You must always have connections, and work hard to earn a place in society," Victoria explained harshly, her eyes growing even sterner every second. "A person's calligraphy already speaks a great deal of a person's character. A hideous calligraphy is most often frowned upon. Had Erwin not provided you with those practice guides, you wouldn't be able to at least have a decent and barely legible writing."

It didn't sit well with Vanya to view her friends as mere avenues for her to get what she wanted. Maybe that's why Victoria wasn't generally a happy woman -- she didn't have real friends to actually connect with.

Victoria stopped to sip her tea before she continued, "But a decent calligraphy is still not adequate for you to be respected. You have yet to learn how to act and behave like a lady. Thus, in the mornings starting from tomorrow, I shall require you to be at the parlour and I shall teach you etiquette. Until you fully master its art and practice it well, I cannot have you study in Mitras unless you plan on tainting your father's name."

Vanya sucked in a breath in frustration. "Fine."

She badly wanted to get her education as soon as possible. The faster she becomes a successful doctor, the faster she can finally move out from this house and have a stable life with her best friends.

"Now, sit up straight. No lady observes a posture of indolence," Victoria glared.

The girl begrudgingly obeyed, sitting up straight. But she tensed up when she realized she needed to ask an important question from Victoria.

"When can I see my friends?"

Victoria didn't even look up from her plate as she ate when she replied, "Are you referring to those rascals who are currently enlisted at the Survey Corps?"

"They're not rascals," Vanya rebutted. "They're my best friends, the only family I have."

"My dear, _we_ are your family, not them," Victoria snapped. "I don't see a reason why you would ever want to mingle with those uncivilized thieves. Most especially that short, peevish man. What was his name again? Levi? Goodness, with a crass attitude like that, he wouldn't last on the surface. Vanya, he is not worth your time."

"He is important to me."

Vanya's glare was undaunted and unwavering as her eyes pierced through Victoria's that the latter was taken by surprise.

"Levi, Furlan, and Isabel are my family. If you don't allow me to see them then I will not abide by whatever stupid noble, lady-like role you wish to encage me in."

Victoria narrowed her eyes intensely against the redhead's for a moment as she discerned. After a few moments, she looked away.

"Fine, I'll only permit you to visit them in three weeks' time. And how do you suppose you are to travel there? I must remind you, the headquarters is located at Trost, and that's too far from Stohess. It will take about half a day to get there."

"I'll figure it out," Vanya mumbled, subtly masking the excitement she was feeling. Nothing could ever possibly make her happy than the thought of seeing her best friends.

However, she suddenly felt a surge of ache coursing through her head once again.

"Vanya, you must eat. Here," Alice worriedly urged as she put a slice of bread, and pushed a jar of jam towards her.

Vanya instantly recognized the orange colored jam.

"That's peach jam..."

"They're my favorite," her sister grinned. "In fact, I love them too much that I insisted mother to send you some when you were still living in the Underground."

"So that was you..." Vanya's mouth went ajar. "My friend, Isabel, loves it so much."

"Then I must insist that you bring a few jars with you when you visit them! Hopefully, I get to meet her soon."

"After their expedition, I'll make sure you'd be able to meet her. You'd adore her, I'm certain," a nostalgic smile appeared on her face.

Vanya looked down on the piece of bread onto her plate. Her stomach was still churning, and having food into her mouth will only end up with her throwing up all over the table.

Then, a primly uniformed male servant entered the room.

"Letters for Miss Vanya Ronan," he announced.

Everyone stopped what they're doing and looked in the redhead's direction.

"From who?" Victoria rather demanded.

The servant flinched and gulped. "One from deputy commander Erwin Smith of the Survey Corps, and another from... Furlan Church."

Vanya almost jumped on her seat. Furlan's last letter was also that time when Erwin last visited, making the woman even more eager to hear from him again. But she didn't expect to receive a letter from Erwin Smith himself.

"May I?" Vanya asked, holding out her hand. The servant handed her two envelopes before disappearing shortly.

She was about to open the letters, when she felt the ghastly buildup of bile in her throat. She slapped a hand to her mouth and gagged as she stopped herself from throwing up but only barely.

Alice stood up in alertness, "Mother, it's happening. We must take her elsewhere."

"Bring her to her room. Bring a bucket, towels, and hot water immediately," Victoria ordered at the maids behind her.

Every servant in the room bustled into work as they grabbed Vanya's arms and hurriedly led her out of the dining hall with Alice and Victoria following behind.

~~~~~~~~~~

Alice and Victoria were wrong when they said that withdrawal for the next few days will be difficult for Vanya.

It wasn't difficult -- it was a week of nothing but pure agony and torment.

Right after breakfast on the second day, Vanya was forced to be on her bed, clutching a bucket and vomiting all day. Her skin was scorching hot as she sweat until the bedsheets were completely drenched, and yet she was feeling so cold that every five minutes, she was sneezing. She would have a runny nose, and her head would pound so much that it blurred her vision and made her eyes water.

She completely lost her appetite since she was always sick to the stomach. The mere sight of food would make her gag, and during that one week alone, she had already lost about 10 pounds. Her dresses became looser by the day until she was nothing more but a ghost in white whose retching sounds and sneezes sullied the walls of the mansion.

Nights were the worst; it was living in a nightmare with the demons in her head.

No matter how drained her body was, Vanya could never get herself to rest. She would toss and turn, scratch at the mattress, kick her legs endlessly, and occasionally, she would bury her face under a pillow to suffocate herself and end her misery right there once and for all.

But she couldn't. No matter how many times she'd wish to die than experience withdrawal, she just couldn't.

Not when her three best friends are a hundred kilometers away from her, waiting to be reunited with her.

And thinking about them made everything worse. For every passing moment coexisting with the absence of her friends, she was falling even further and faster into the abyss of her depression. Every night she would have hallucinations hearing Isabel's laughs. She'd see the outline of Furlan's body sitting at the end of her bed and the shadows of Levi's lithe figure dancing across the walls.

Vanya would weakly cry out out their names one by one each night like a reverent prayer, hoping that one day their voices would echo back, calling her name.

She hated receiving pity from anyone yet now, there's no other person in this world who pitied her than she, herself.

On the seventh night, the symptoms were slowly whittling. When she would vomit every hour on the second and third day, now it was only once a day.

She hid herself under her blanket, hugging her knees to her chest. It was already past midnight; the winds billowed through the open balcony doors, crickets chirped from outside the windows, and the sound of her shaky breathing kept her awake. Hours had already passed since Alice wished her goodnight, but Vanya couldn't recall when was the last time Victoria entered the room to check up on her -- not that Vanya cared anyway.

This whole ordeal of hiding herself in her bed in the melancholic darkness gave her a sense of deja vù when she was grieving over the death of her mother. Had she had enough energy and emotions to spare, she would have laughed at herself for being so foolish to fall into this pitiful state for the second time.

But this time, it was different. No hugs from Isabel, head massages from Furlan, and Levi's comforting silence. Sometimes, whenever she'd hear her door open, she'd thought it would be one of her friends delivering her food, only to be disappointed to see a servant whose name she hadn't bothered asking yet.

"Furlan... I hope you are well.." she croaked out, hugging her legs tighter.

"Isabel... how many times this day... have you made people... smile...?"

Vanya couldn't cry anymore, she did it far too many times for the past week either due to her hormones in disarray or she was just too overwhelmed by her loneliness. Now, she could only stare emptily into the void.

"Levi... how much longer should I wait to see you again...?"

On the seventh night of withdrawal, Vanya hid herself under her blankets, shielding herself from the world and all its despair.  
  


~~~~~~~~~~

"I see you haven't read your letters yet."

Alice glanced at the two sealed envelopes placed on the bedside table before she went back to work in brushing Vanya's long hair with a brush in front of the dressing table.

Vanya pressed her lips tightly. "I'll read it soon."

In all honesty, going through the painful stages of withdrawal made her forget the letters. Thirteen days have passed since she arrived at the house, and now, the withdrawal symptoms have dwindled to say the least. Though the physical symptoms barely manifested, the emotional and psychological ones still remained in faint fragments. Vanya still had difficulty sleeping at night, and during the day, she was either too numb to focus on anything or too overwhelmed to accommodate more emotions when she was already carrying a ton of it on her shoulders.

It's also the reason why she couldn't find the strength to read the letters. Vanya wasn't in the right state of mind to receive any word from her friends. She knew that reading their words would only worsen her aching longing for them.

"Darling, you have such lovely hair," commented Alice sweetly as she continued brushing. "I've never seen hair this red."

Vanya blushed. "T-thank you... but yours is much lovelier," she responded through the mirror as she stared at Alice's soft blonde locks falling over her shoulder like golden threads. .

"Oh, Vanya..." Alice shook her head. She then placed the brush and began braiding her hair. "May I ask you something?"

Vanya slowly nodded.

"Do you believe that you're beautiful?"

The question caused Vanya to instinctively drop her head and fidget with her fingers.

"I... don't see anything beautiful about me," she whispered.

"Then what do you consider to be ' _beautiful_ ' then?"

Vanya replied bashfully, "You."

As much as Vanya wanted to deny it, she was envious of her sister's immaculate beauty that it baffles her to know that Alice isn't married yet.

Alice gave a light chuckle. "Darling, as much as that flatters me, being tall and blonde isn't all there is to beauty."

She gently raised Vanya's chin so that the redhead was looking back at her reflection.

All Vanya could see was a beautiful person standing behind a mundane-looking person with red hair. There wasn't anything special about the person in front. All the luster and wonder in her eyes were now gone, and she was now nothing more than skin and bones in a loosely fit white dress.

"I'm not beautiful, I'm just... _me_ but in the worst version possible."

At this point, Alice had already finished braiding her red hair. The older woman placed the braid over Vanya's shoulder, to which the younger girl gawked at. Alice managed to pin tiny flowers all over her hair that her head became a red bed of scattered petals.

"You know what I see, Vanya?" Alice asked.

Vanya was too caught up admiring her sister's delicate work on her hair to answer. The braid falling on one side gave a more fresh and youthful aura to her pallid face.

"I see a woman with her mother's red hair and her father's green eyes -- the eyes you and I share. I know for a fact that father is a handsome lad, and I also know your mother must have been so good-looking to ever catch his eyes. Do you believe that your mother is beautiful?"

Vanya responded right away, "Of course. She had lovely hazel eyes and her hair was wavy unlike mine that's so straight." She softly smiled as she imagined her mother's face that would always look so caring and nurturing. "The fact that there was not a day when she didn't look so loving and genuine made her even beautiful..."

"And that is why you also have to believe that you're beautiful," Alice said whilst smoothening Vanya's sleeves. "You carry a piece of your mother and father in you who have led great and beautiful lives to love you. You carry their love and a part of who they were with you every single day. If you think you're ugly then imagine how that would be an insult to your parents."

Vanya huffed bitterly, acknowledging her sister's point.

Alice momentarily chuckled before she carried on, "But you're not only beautiful because you are what your parents made you to be. You're beautiful because, like you said, you're _you_."

She made Vanya turn to face her so that she could hold her younger sister's face and look her straight in the eye.

"I see that you have a heart as pure as gold, guts as strong as steel, and a mind as bright as the sun. Vanya, I see _you_ , and you are beautiful no matter what version you'll ever become for as long as your heart remains the same."

For a few seconds, Vanya only stood still as she blankly stared deep into her sister's eyes. And then, tears began to well up and before she could even hold herself, the frosted glass in her heart shattered, making her whispered cries escalate into sobs.

Alice wrapped her arms around Vanya and pulled her to her chest. Vanya's entire body trembled the more she cried but Alice's protective arms kept her safe and still as the older woman whispered hushes of sweet words into her red hair.

"It's okay, just let it out, darling..."

Perhaps more than two decades in the squalors of the Underground had made Vanya insecure all her life. She could never see herself worthy of anything, knowing how she'll always remain at the bottom of the social pyramid.

She would always believe that the Universe hated her. They cursed her to live a life of destitution, snatched the lives of her family, and separated her from her best friends. Vanya thought that she must have been so worthless, wretched and ugly for the Universe to ever do such a cruel thing to her.

But here she was, in the arms of a noble, kind-hearted, 28-year-old woman, who thought otherwise.

And little did Vanya know that it wasn't just Alice who thought she was beautiful.

Because a hundred kilometers away from Stohess, there was someone else.

A short raven-haired man with a crass attitude, wearing a Scouts uniform, was lying on his spotless and dust-free bunk bed at the barracks as he stared at the ceiling, and pressed onto his lips was a crudely handwritten letter signed by the most beautiful woman he ever knew who was waiting for him back at Stohess.

"Just hold on, Vanya," whispered Levi into the paper, imagining it was her ears he was whispering to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK!! Thank you guys for waiting, I'm so sorry for the slow updates because I had to research drug withdrawals. I scrolled through google, watched TedTalks, joined reddit forums, and even interviewed a person who was recovering from drug abuse.
> 
> I knew I had to take this subject seriously, and the last thing I want is to downplay the experiences of drug withdrawal in my writing. Vanya's experiences are just a small glimpse of withdrawal. In real life, it's definitely much worse. The symptoms include excessive sweating, watery eyes, restlessness, vomiting, nausea, headache, muscle pains, mood swings, insomia, depression, and anxiety. But there's so much more, and I highly encourage you to research it.
> 
> It's so eye-opening, and it gave me a deeper understanding of the roots of drug abuse and empathy towards drug users. Until now, I'm still trying my best to educate myself so if there's a part in my story that I have misinterpreted, please do tell me right away!
> 
> My heart goes out to those who are trying to quit drugs. Though I have not experienced it, I learned that going through withdrawal is the most torturous journey a person has to experience, and I honor them for being so brave and strong-willed to go through it to finally heal.
> 
> Again, thank you guys for support. I'm sorry my story is becoming even heavier and more angsty. Trust me, I really don't like making Vanya suffer like I really hate myself for doing it. But I have faith in her that she'll become strong through these adversities. Though we all just need to be patient with her for now, she's a really flawed and complicated character but she's still learning huuu
> 
> So that's it. Till the next chapter everyone!
> 
> Frankie xo


	25. Under the Light, Part 6: Summer Rain

**_Year 844_ **

****

If adapting the ways of a well-mannered lady residing in the interior had to entail _this_ , then Vanya would gladly have her citizenship revoked and go back to the Underground.

Because everything Vanya was, from the way she’d normally speak, sit, eat, walk, or stand, was everything the etiquette books condemned.

When she sits, she slouches, and crosses her legs

When she eats and drinks, she would occasionally use her hands to pick up her food, and sip her tea a bit too loudly.

When she walks, she has this habit of swinging her arms and skipping her steps (a habit she got from Isabel).

When she speaks her mind, she’d lose control of her mouth and tone. She was too frank, and loud. Her hands would gesticulate in a manner so theatrical, and her facial expression were always emphasized.

Apparently, all of these actions were what society considered as ‘ill-bred’ -- at least according to Victoria and the mountains of books about etiquette she had forced Vanya to read.

After that horrid week of withdrawal and regaining her physical strength little by little, Vanya had been consistently under the tutelage of Victoria in learning to live the ways of a dignified lady for two tiresome weeks.

“Endeavor yourself in acquiring true politeness and a gracious character, or else you shall perish in society,” Victoria would always snide for every time Vanya fails to balance the book on her head, or picks up the bread knife at the wrong timing.

And if the young woman only had Levi’s vulgar mouth, she would have already shot profanities like wildfire in every lesson possible.

But if there’s one thing Vanya found to be the most frustrating in learning a noble lady’s lifestyle, it wasn’t keeping her tone as dainty as possible, or raising her pinky finger whenever she’s holding a teacup.

It was the corsets.

Those damn, tight, peculiar corsets.

“How am I supposed to eat whatever I want in this -- oomph!”

Vanya, who stood in front of the mirror, gasped in surprise as a maid pulled the strings of her corset tighter, Vanya was so sure it would be impossible to slouch for the rest of the day and finish her meals.

She had never worn a corset in her entire life. She would have comfortable stays, which only wrapped at the busts and not the whole torso, over a loose chemise which allowed her to flit about comfortably and freely. And now, it all felt too weird wearing such a restrictive undergarment that chiseled her body to a certain figure for the very first time.

“If that’s what it takes for us women to earn respectability then it is what it is,” Alice, who was sitting at the edge of Vanya’s bed, sighed. “You’ll get used to it, darling,” she added, casually motioning to her own corset that was invisible under her white morning dress.

“Respect is different from attention,” Vanya quipped before she groaned once again when the servant tightened the laces. “Is wearing this -- ugh! Is wearing this supposed to be some societal requirement? Fit into their standards? Because if it is then I don’t think I’d ever want to wear this again.”

Alice chuckled at her sister’s struggles. “Not necessarily.”

“Really?” Vanya asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

“If corsets are only worn to impress or gain validation, then why am I wearing it with a comfortable dress inside the house with no plans of going out?”

“I don’t know… To impress your fussy mother, perhaps?” Vanya replied sarcastically, whilst sucking in a breath to flatten her stomach even more.

“No, silly!” Alice giggled before standing and walking towards Vanya was now fully laced up in her tight undergarment and white stockings. “I like the way it makes my body look. The dresses I make fits better when I have a corset on, it really adds a nice touch to the volume of skirts. I’m not here to impress anyone, I’m just simply doing it for me.”

“I see…” Vanya pondered out loud. “So you wear it because you feel that it makes you look good?”

“And makes me feel confident,” the blonde woman added eagerly. “After all, it does a splendid job at emphasizing a refined posture and not to mention, the _bust_ , and I quite like how it looks on me! Don’t you?” she said as she flaunted her chest.

Vanya awkwardly looked down on her new figure with the corset. With the size of her waist reduced, she couldn’t deny how, _indeed,_ it did emphasize and push up her bosoms in a way she never thought she’d see.

“Errr… sure,” she mumbled, learning that maybe she shouldn’t criticize these ‘restrictive’ undergarments when it makes other women feel comfortable and beautiful.

“It’s all about seasoning into your corsets. Wear it everyday until eventually you don’t realize you’re even wearing one even when you’re bustling about. You’d be surprised how comfortable it is in the long run,” Alice winked.

Surprisingly, the corset fit snugly onto her frail and thin figure, giving the hourglass shape aristocratic women would don. But Vanya couldn’t deny the strange sensation of having to breathe from the chest instead of her diaphragm.

The maid began to add more layers of linen petticoat over the skirt of her chemise until Vanya was feeling warm in her three layers of undergarments. Alice pulled out from Vanya’s wardrobe a periwinkle satin dress with short puffed sleeves and detailed embroidered patterns all over the loose skirt.

“This would do,” the older sister instructed the maid before the latter went to work right away with putting the lovely dress on her younger sister.

When Vanya was now fully clad with the dress Alice had sewn for her, she couldn’t help but be awed at how her figure fit so nicely, most especially how her waist looked so slim clinched with a matching white ribbon for a belt. Her appearance was adorned with more accessories such as long white gloves that reach her elbows, dainty earrings and necklaces, a frilly bonnet on her head, and light boots for footwear.

“There she is,” Alice said delightedly, marvelling at Vanya’s look through the mirror. “My beautiful sister.”

The redhead blinked at her reflection, trying to make sense out of the stranger in a periwinkle dress staring back at her.

There were still remains of what a week of withdrawal had done to her; she still had her heavy eyebags and pale lips peeking through, and she maintained her small weight after losing most of it. But with the help of the corset to hide her underweight body, and a red tint on her cheek and lips to make her look alive and healthy, Vanya was still able to look nonetheless decent.

Vanya breathed deeply. “I look…”

_Nothing like myself._

“Nice...” she finished stiffly. “I don’t understand. Why am I wearing this?”

“Mother instructed me to have you wear an outdoor gown for reasons she didn’t inform me yet.”

“I’m going out?” Vanya asked confusedly.

Alice nodded, “That seems the case.”

There was a knock on the door, catching both women’s attention. When Alice called for the knocker to come in, another maid entered the room.

“Miss Vanya, your visitor has arrived,” the maid announced.

The confusion all over Vanya’s face intensified. “Visitor? But I’m not expecting anyone?”

“He is already waiting for you downstairs.”

“He?” Both sisters spoke in unison, matching the same baffled tone.

Alice cleared her throat, turning to Vanya. “Well, if that’s that case, we ought to go down. You don’t want a guest to think you rude for keeping him waiting. Oh, don’t forget your bag!” Alice handed her a small white reticule.

“What’s in it?” Vanya asked, shaking the reticule to hear something jingling inside.

“Pocket money in case of emergency. Now come along.”

“But I don’t even know who the man is,” Vanya whined as she followed her sister out of her bedroom.

The maid, who was leading the way downstairs, answered promptly, ”It’s the deputy commander of the Survey Corps.”

Vanya was about to react but Alice had already beat her to it with her usual disgust for the soldier. “Erwin Smith?! What business does he have now?!”

With her heartbeat racing, Vanya quickened her steps as she descended down the grand staircase only to stop midway when she finally caught the side of the tall man standing at the entrance hall.

Erwin was sharing a conversation with Victoria, who looked uncharacteristically pleased to entertain the deputy’s presence. From where she was standing, Vanya noticed that Erwin wasn’t wearing his usual olive trench coat bearing the insignia of the Scouts. Instead, he was wearing a white buttoned shirt underneath a grey jacket which was paired with black trousers, and a pair of dress shoes.

Erwin looked more laid back in this civilian attire, giving him a more amiable demeanor as compared to the stoic and serious façade whenever he was in uniform.

He bore a neutral expression when he spoke in a low voice with the directress. But when his eyes suddenly landed on the staircase to see a pretty woman in a periwinkle dress standing there, all the words he was about to say to Victoria were stolen from his lips.

“Erwin!” Vanya exclaimed with delight as she raised her skirt and dashed down the stairs towards him like a sprightly child.

Victoria harshly cleared her throat out loud, making the girl stop the moment she stood in front of them. Vanya was about to open her mouth and greet Erwin cheerfully when the old woman sharpened her eyes at her, silently scolding her for her unruly entrance.

“O-oh, right,” Vanya stuttered, suddenly realizing that she had to act a certain way after days of excruciatingly learning and practicing it.

She gracefully bowed to Erwin, the way a lady would to a caller, surprising the man in the process for he knew it was out of her character to suddenly act so prudent.

“How kind of you to pay a visit, Erwin,” Vanya forced a feathery voice that she wanted to cringe.

Victoria smirked in approval.

“It’s my pleasure,” Erwin reluctantly bowed back. “Though you seemed surprised at my visit. Were you able to read the letter I sent you?”

Vanya’s eyes twitched -- she hadn’t read the letter yet nor had she even opened one, not even Furlan’s. It completely slipped her mind when she was falling ill, hallucinating, and vomiting during the past weeks, along with keeping herself busy with lessons with Victoria.

“I’m so --”

“Yes, she did,” Victoria cut in.

Vanya whipped her head towards the old woman in surprise.

But Victoria ignored her, ambiguously smiling at Erwin, “She has been looking forward to your visit for the past week and I’m beyond elated to know that a kind gentleman like you would be so eager to show her around the district. I do believe it is about time she acquaints herself with the neighborhood and my, how fortunate she is to have your assistance.” She paused to turn to Vanya. “Isn’t that right, my child?”

 _What the hell is this hag talking about?_ Vanya’s face furrowed. Erwin showing her around the district? When was she ever informed of that?

“ _Vanya_ ,” Victoria aggressively mouthed her name when the girl didn’t respond.

Vanya felt so lost and confused. “Err... yes, you’re right… Umm, Erwin, could you kindly excuse us for a moment? I’ll just have a word with Victoria.”

“Of course, not a problem,” Erwin said, albeit uncertain.

She gave him a sweet smile and when she turned to Victoria, she rolled her eyes before the two women walked away and entered the drawing room.

“What was that all about?!” Vanya screeched when they were both alone in the room. “What did you mean he was going to show me around? Why don’t I know anything about that?”

“Young lady, I did not spend two weeks teaching you manners only to have you raising your voice at me. Such a shame,” Victoria shook her head in disappointment. “Should you have allotted time to read his letter sooner then perhaps you wouldn’t have made a fool out of yourself in front of the man just like what you’ve done minutes ago. Consider yourself lucky that I have instructed Alice beforehand to prepare you for his visit.”

“How did you know Erwin was going to…?” Vanya searched for words, connecting the dots until it hit her.

“You read the letter,” she said incredulously. “You did, didn’t you?”

Victoria lifted one eyebrow arrogantly.

“You did!” Vanya shrieked angrily. “H-how could you?! It was only meant for my eyes!”

“Be grateful I did or else you’d only end up embarrassing yourself further.”

“I don’t care! Where is it?” Vanya demanded.

From her pocket, Victoria pulled out two envelopes, one of which Vanya recognized to be Furlan’s letter.

“And I suppose you also read through Furlan’s letter!?” the young woman scowled before snatching the letters from Victoria’s hand.

“I didn’t. As if I would desire to hear anything from your insolent friend,” the directress scoffed.

Furlan’s envelope was still sealed, whereas Erwin’s was already open, indicating that Victoria had indeed read his letter despicably.

“Unbelievable,” Vanya muttered with contempt, feeling the urge to strangle the old woman. She unfurled Erwin’s letter and began to read.

_Dear Vanya,_

_I would like to start by expressing my sincerest apologies for not visiting you at the hospital for the past months. The preparations for the forthcoming expedition has been growing more strenuous and it is my duty as deputy commander to expedite these operations as efficiently as possible. Though I may be fulfilling my duties as a soldier, I’m afraid I have failed to do the same in my duty as your friend. And for that, I am sorry._

_But I must assure you, I have been keeping a close watch of your friends during their training to monitor their progress and I have seen great improvements. I am most certain that they are now in the best shape to perform well during the expedition. I have also talked to their squad leader and peers to treat them with respect and that any acts of prejudice towards your friends will result in them being demoted. I cannot have soldiers in this regiment to show such attitude towards their own comrades. People like them are the ones who suffer first beyond the walls anyway._

_Though I have been endeavoring to ensure your friends’ security, I know it is still not enough to compensate for the times I did not visit. Thus, I would like to take you on a stroll around Stohess once you are discharged from the hospital and healthy enough to walk. I thought how it would help you adjust to your new environment and at the same time, I believe that exploring the neighborhood would be something you’d find exciting after being in that hospital room for months. I cannot imagine how it must have been wearisome for you there and I wish to revert that by doing the honor of showing you around one of the splendid districts in the interior._

_Do write back as soon as you receive this letter if you wish to trust me and accept my invitation. I’d be greatly delighted if you do so and I promise I won’t disappoint you._

_Yours,_

_Erwin_

When Vanya finished reading the letter, she was even more baffled. “But I didn’t write back and yet he’s here.”

Victoria smirked, “Because I already did on your behalf.”

At this point, Vanya’s nose was flaring with her forehead wrinkling in anger.

“Oh, don’t give me that face, my child. It doesn’t suit you,” Victoria scoffed. “You were too sick at that time to even lift a finger. What more, write a letter?”

“But you could’ve at least told me!” Vanya really wanted to rip off the bonnet and throw it at her.

The door behind them flew open and in stomped Alice who didn’t look less angry as her sister.

“Why is Erwin Smith in our house?!” Alice exclaimed.

Victoria sighed deeply in frustration, having enough of dealing with two young adults raising their voices at her. “It’s still so early in the morning and you two are already giving me an awful headache, goodness.”

“And rightfully so after reading my letter without my permission,” Vanya rolled her eyes,

Alice gasped in disbelief. “Mother! How despicable!”

“Enough of this nonsense! I shall hear no more of this,” the oldest woman in the room bellowed. She then pointed a finger to the youngest. “And you, you are to spend the rest of the day with Erwin Smith and I expect you to behave when you are with him just as how I taught you. You cannot afford to lose a valuable connection with someone so reputable.”

Vanya inwardly groaned. Frankly, she found it ridiculous to ‘behave’ according to Victoria’s standard of a well-mannered lady when Erwin had already seen Vanya’s not-so-well-mannered behavior: her sarcastic remarks, poor and ‘unladylike’ posture, and she had even vomited in front of him already. What was even the point of changing her behavior to something Victoria was expecting of her?

Alice retorted, “Mother, you make it sound like having formidable male companions is the only thing a woman needs to survive.”

“Soon, you will understand,” the mother replied ominously. “which is something I don’t expect you to do when you have not even a single caller to entertain. Alice, when will you ever start socializing with people of your status?”

“Can you both just… stop?” Vanya said as rubbed her temples. She was getting too sick of hearing these two argue every single day.

Maybe this was how Furlan would feel every time she and Levi would bicker. She suddenly gained another newfound respect for that man for that matter.

Victoria cleared her throat, easing down. “Let’s not keep the man waiting any further. Vanya, come now.”

The old woman strutted out of the drawing room, her boots and cane clicked against the floors before she disappeared.

Alice turned to her sister. “Vanya, I --”

“I know what you’re going to say,” Vanya said tiredly. “Alice, you have to believe me when I say that Erwin is nothing but a man you can trust. Just because you don’t see the fruits of his hard work in the brigade doesn’t mean he has ill intentions towards me as a friend.”

“You can never be too wary of men,” Alice replied, shaking her head. “I’m just … looking out for you.”

Vanya stared at her sister for a moment, reading her closely.

“Alice…” she said softly and carefully. “Papa isn’t the only man in your life who has caused you pain… isn’t that right?”

Alice forced a sad smile. “I just don’t want the same thing to happen to you…”

Vanya frowned, finally getting why her sister was so keen on expressing her disdain. She began to wonder what kind of heartbreak her sister had endured in the past.

“I understand…” She then laid a hand on Alice’s shoulder, “I’ll tell you what, though I know Erwin is a kind man, if in case he did try to hurt me, you’ll be the first to know and you will have the honor of dealing with him.”

The older sister’s smile turned to a genuine one. “The deal is cinched then.”

“Alright,” Vanya chuckled before pivoting towards the door only to be stopped.

“Vanya, wait.”

Alice smoothened her sister’s dress and adjusted the ribbons on her bonnet. “Tell me, Vanya,” she hummed. “How do you exactly see this man as?”

“Errr, a friend?”

“And how does he see you as?”

“The same… Well, I hope so.”

“You hope so...” Alice echoed, deep in thoughts. “Darling, do you believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul?”

Vanya arched a brow. “Perhaps.”

“And have you tried reading a man’s eyes?”

“Should I?”

“My, you should,” Alice finished fixing her sister’s appearance. “Men are the easiest creatures to read. Just a tiny prick to their ego and you can practically already see everything in them.”

“Okay, what’s your point?” Vanya muffled a laugh.

“My point is, try to read Erwin’s…” Alice said as she grabbed Vanya’s arm and led her out of the room. “Because whenever I see his eyes on you, I can read his soul.”

“And is it a good soul?” Vanya asked and at that moment, the very man they were talking about came into view a few feet away from them when they returned to the entrance hall.

Erwin met Vanya’s eyes and he smiled -- a smile that bore a thousand telltale signs of his feelings towards the woman.

“There’s no denying,” Alice said, almost breathlessly in a trance before letting Vanya go.

“Shall we go?” Erwin asked. The spark of excitement in his eyes was anything but dull and lackluster.

Vanya nodded. “We’ll be off now,” she said as she craned her head towards Victoria and Alice who were watching them. One looked delighted while the other looked the opposite.

“Thank you once again for your hospitality, Lady Victoria,” Erwin bowed to the old woman. “And also for writing back to my letter on her behalf.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” Victoria returned the bow, before nudging the disgruntled Alice to the same.

Alice hid her gritted teeth with a grimace and bowed stiffly. “Erwin.”

The man hesitantly returned the acknowledgement. “Lady Alice.”

They shared a string of undaunted and firm gazes for a split second before they both looked away.

Erwin lightly coughed before leading Vanya out of the mansion.

When they both had stepped out, the blazing sun was shining splendidly above them that Vanya had to squint to adjust to the brightness. The breeze was crisp yet warm, barely compensating for the heat the sun was emitting. Nonetheless, she adored the way the summer air engulfed her to a welcome no matter how hot it felt with the long gloves she was wearing.

“So this is what summer feels like on the surface,” Vanya said as they walked down the street. She took a deep breath to take all the fresh air in before exhaling in satisfaction.

“How do you find it?” Erwin asked.

The woman shrugged. “Better than in the Underground. It gets so humid and hot down there that I even sometimes find it difficult to breathe.”

“That seems harsh, I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he said with sympathy. “At least now, enjoy the summer here while it lasts. It’s September tomorrow and I find that you might enjoy the fall even more once it arrives.”

“It’s already September? Gosh, time flies so fast.”

It was nearly the end of May when she, along with her friends, had left the Underground. After that, Vanya spent three months in the hospital, where time seemed to drag. But now that she was out in the open, where high society resided, all while she can now walk properly with both feet, Vanya realized how time never waited for anyone.

“Are you feeling better now? I had to read from the directress’ letter that you caught the flu even after getting discharged from the hospital. She told me that you were too ill, couldn’t so much as write back too,” Erwin said with worry.

It seemed that Victoria didn’t explicitly inform the man that Vanya was going through a nasty withdrawal and chose to use the ‘flu’ as an excuse instead.

For a second, Vanya felt grateful that Victoria didn’t fully disclose the hell she had been through.

“I do feel better now,” Vanya lied. Truthfully, it was in lying she was getting better at.

If she’d say that there wasn’t a single day when the thought of taking the laudanum to ease her nerves didn’t cross her mind, then Vanya knew she was committing the greatest treachery on the land.

“Victoria has been hounding me with all these etiquette lessons that try to shape me into some sort of holier-than-thou lady, it’s horrifying,” she faked a gag, making Erwin laugh at her silliness.

“And how are these lessons working out for you? I take that you haven’t been putting it to practice?”

“Are you kidding? If Victoria can see me right now talking and walking like this so carelessly, she’d hit me with her cane,” Vanya joked.

Indeed, she was back to her normal self: swaggering than walking with arms swinging, doing all these big gestures while speaking animatedly, passionately venting her frustration over a person she disliked, and just all sorts of quirky mannerisms that made her stand out from the rest.

In fact, her mannerisms were so quirky that as the two continued their stroll around the neighborhood, people were beginning to stare at Vanya disapprovingly.

Erwin, who also ignored the snobbish stares they were receiving, looked at her with fascination. “I don’t see anything wrong with you though.”

“Wait until you see my ugly cross stitches that Victoria forced me to do,” she huffed. “No matter how hard I try to fit in, I just can’t seem to do it right. I’ll never be graceful, charming, and behaved enough. I might not even make it to a medical school in Mitras.”

“I don’t think I’m qualified to judge if a cross stitch looks good or bad,” Erwin remarked, making her giggle. “But what I do know is that you’re being quite unfair to yourself. You spent your whole life living a lifestyle that was the opposite of what is expected here on the surface and you can’t expect to adjust right away in just a matter of months. You just have to be patient with yourself, that’s all.”

Vanya sighed. “Perhaps you’re right…”

_But what if I don’t want to adjust at all?_

“Vanya, can I tell you something?” the man asked as they both rounded a corner and entered a street that was even livelier. Shops and even more magnificent establishments lined the block. Men and women wearing the finest pieces of silk and leather strolled about with a bearing so dignified, confident, and refined. Intimidated, Vanya forced herself to fix her posture in hopes to blend in.

“Mhhmm?”

“I think you’re doing just fine in adjusting here,” Erwin said.

She glanced at him curiously. “And why do you say so?”

“I haven’t told you but…” the man dropped his gaze for a moment as if he was trying to find the courage before he looked up at her once again. His eyes roamed the dress that fitted her slim and corseted frame perfectly, the curled fringes of her hair in a braided bun, the artificial red flush on her cheeks, and her eyes that seemed to twinkle brighter against the pale shade of her gown.

“You look wonderful.”

Vanya grinned, touching her bonnet and swaying her skirt playfully. “Really? Thank you, though I must give credit to my sister. She makes all the dresses I wear. I hope it’s enough to make me at least look like a Stohess civilian.”

When she giggled once again, Erwin felt his captivated heart being pulled unceremoniously to the sound.

“You look nice as well, Erwin,” she chirped, motioning for his simple yet prim outfit. ”Far from the usual Scouts attire you’d always wear. It gives you a more easy-going and friendlier look.”

“You mean I don’t look friendly in my uniform?”

“When you’re six feet tall and always wearing a face so serious, you can’t really blame me for thinking that way,” Vanya quipped.

“Point taken,” Erwin said, amused.

She shrugged casually. “I like this Erwin more.”

The man looked far ahead, letting her words permeate into his consciousness.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Neither spoke a word after that. Vanya’s eyes lit up at the bustling scenery before them. She watched elegant carriages passing by, a pair of gentlemen reticently exchanging a brief conversation at one corner, and the way the river not far from them glimmered like jewels against the sunlight.

No one hollered cheerful greetings at each other nor there was any sign of children rambunctiously running around. The whole district felt too dull despite its eye-catching and mind-boggling architecture, and Vanya felt slightly let down to say the least.

“Would you like to have tea somewhere?” Erwin broke the silence.

She nodded eagerly, “I’d like that.”

“Alright, I know just the place.”

Erwin led her down a few more blocks until they stood in front of a quaint and fancy tea shop. He opened the door for Vanya, who gave him a friendly “thank you”, and right off the bat, the fresh aroma of tea leaves greeted them like a warm embrace.

The shop looked even more impeccably hearty from the inside with mahogany draped tables and chairs, displays of branded tin containers of tea leaves on the walls, and a selection of pastries by the counter.

Erwin and Vanya took a seat by the wide glass window which overlooked the same picturesque street of Stohess, with the rays of the summer sun streaming through to where they sat.

“This is lovely,” hummed Vanya. She looked around to see only a few customers occupying the tables, which made the place peaceful and comely.

“It is,” Erwin agreed. They were then approached by a young waitress.

“Ah, deputy, you’re back,” the waitress greeted amicably. “Never thought I’d see the day when you’d finally bring a company with you,” she said while glancing at Vanya teasingly. “She’s pretty.”

Vanya blushed. “O-oh, thank you.”

“I do admit, it’s nice to have someone to share tea with,” he replied, smiling briefly at Vanya.

The waitress chuckled. “It’s about time you figured that out. Now what can I get for you two?”

Erwin glanced at the woman sitting across from him. “Would you like anything?”

“Black tea is fine,” Vanya answered politely.

The waitress jotted down her order on a notepad. “Would you like that with honey, or milk and sugar?”

The redhead did her best not to scrunch her nose at how people on the surface drink their tea. “No, thank you, plain is enough.”

“Alright, what about you, deputy?”

“I’d like the same.”

“And perhaps you two would like some pastries to pair with your tea? The batch of cinnamon rolls are still fresh from the oven.”

Erwin turned to Vanya. “How does that sound?”

The woman grimaced for she absolutely had no idea what a cinnamon roll was. But nevertheless, she nodded.

“Okay, we’ll have two,” Erwin told the waitress.

“Excellent choice, I’ll have it served in a few,” the young waitress said as she flipped her notepad before she disappeared behind the counter.

“I just absolutely don’t understand why you people would ever want milk or any sweeteners in your tea,” Vanya whined when the waitress was finally out of earshot. “That just inhibits the strength of the antioxidants found in your tea, and it ruins the whole purpose of drinking it.”

Or maybe she was whining because she had never tried it simply because anything sweet was a rare and luxurious find in the Underground.

“I have to be honest, tea with milk is something I find quite delectable on some occasions,” Erwin confessed, making Vanya’s judging eyes roll. He then leaned forward towards her and shifted to a calmer mood.

“I have news.”

The woman sat up straight vigilantly. “What is it?”

“Tomorrow morning, I am to take you to the Scouts headquarters to have you visit your friends before the expedition.”

And just like that, Vanya felt the whole universe freeze, along with her heart, lungs, brain, and everything that made it possible for her to function enough to make sense of the words that came out of the deputy’s mouth.

“C-come again?” she choked. She felt her fingers vibrating on her lap and her heartbeat springing back to life.

Erwin repeated, but this time, even clearer. “You’ll be seeing your friends tomorrow.”

Vanya had to lean back on her chair to process his words.

“Are you okay...?” the man asked worriedly mixed with confusion.

“Oh gosh…” she mumbled to herself with wide eyes, bringing her hands to her chest. “... Are you… serious?”

“Yes, yes, I am. I’ve already discussed this arrangement to Victoria and she has already given me the permission to take you there.”

Vanya closed her eyes as she tried to ease the explosion of emotions that was ravaging in her chest. The panic attacks, the sleepless nights spent thinking of them, and the letters, all of those things in her head began to wither away and was replaced by that one thing that now only mattered to her:

She was finally seeing her family again.

“Thank you, Erwin,” she said shakily when she opened her eyes to see him smiling patiently. “I’ve been… waiting. I’m so tired of waiting but now… I feel…”

The tranquility at the thought of seeing Furlan’s caring eyes again.

The bliss from hearing Isabel’s energetic voice in her mind.

The completeness at the prospect of being with Levi again after being separated from him for too long.

“Feel..?” Erwin echoed in anticipation.

“That I’m going home.”

~~~~~~~~~~

When they left the tea shop an hour later, a radiant smile was plastered on Vanya’s face with her heart overflowing with so much joy that she was already skipping her steps like a child on the way out.

Not just because she was going to see her best friends the next day -- it was because she discovered that cinnamon rolls were the greatest creation mankind has ever made.

“I didn’t expect you’d end up eating three rolls,” Erwin smirked as they continued their walk around the district.

Vanya was now dragging her footsteps, feeling sluggish and bloated as she hugged her stomach.

And the corset wasn’t helping _at all._

“I want to say that I regret it but honestly, I really don’t. It’s the best thing I’ve ever had,” she groaned.

The man chuckled, slowing down to match her slow pace. His attention landed on the tin container of premium tea leaves in her hand. He recognized it to be one of the containers being displayed on the walls, and from the looks of it, it didn’t seem one could easily get their hands on it at a cheap price.

“You even managed to procure yourself the most high quality tea leaves you could ever find in the interior,” Erwin remarked.

“This?” Vanya raised the container. “It’s for Levi. I plan to hand it to him tomorrow.”

When she said Levi’s name, Erwin noticed that her smile was different. It wasn’t the bright and cheeky smile she’d always flash at him. This was smaller, fragile, and precious; a smile so dainty and sweet like the wispy petals of purple lilacs.

“I see…” he murmured, ignoring the discomforting shift in his chest. Vanya was too busy staring happily at the tin container to even notice the drop in his disposition. “I hope he likes it,” Erwin coughed.

“Oh, he better. I didn’t spend half of my pocket money just to have him dislike it.” When Vanya said this, gone was the dainty smile and was replaced by her usual sunny one the moment she looked up at Erwin.

He tried to smile back albeit restrained. He thought how nice it would feel if Vanya gave him the same dainty smile.

But sadly, it must have already belonged to someone else.

When they crossed the road, Vanya perked at the small shop with a rusty-looking façade that stood in front of them which contrasted to the grand establishments adjacent to it. Through the hazy glass windows, she saw rows of amber bottles with labels on the shelves.

“ _Sebastian’s Apothecary,”_ she read out loud the faded sign printed on the window.

An idea suddenly hit her.

“Erwin, do you mind if I check it out?” she asked.

“Not at all,” he replied. He was about to open the door for her when she stopped him.

“Actually, I think I’ll be fine on my own, if that’s alright with you?”

Erwin scrutinized her for a moment with one eyebrow raised before he stepped back. “Alright, I’ll just wait here.”

Vanya gave an apologetic look. “Thank you, this wouldn’t take long, I promise!”

She pushed through the entrance door and instantly, the sound of a bell hanging on the door chimed to announce her arrival. The shop screamed antiquity with every corner occupied by tall shelves lined with strangely labeled medicines. Though there was barely any light to illuminate the room except for the sunlight casting through the windows, Vanya was able to read the worn labels.

_BROWN’S CHILLS SYRUP  
_ _For the cure of Chills and Fever, Ague and Fever, Dumb Ague, and the various forms of Intermittent Fever occurring in infants and children._

 _SNAKE OIL  
_ _Relieves instantaneously!  
_ _Cures headache neuralgia, toothache, backache, swellings, sprains, sore chest, stiff joints, cuts and bruises.  
_ _If you are afflicted with DEAFNESS, grab our PURE RATTLESNAKE OIL!_

 _DR. MOUNTEBANK’S REDUCING PASTILLES  
_ _For reducing the waists and beautifying the complexion._

Vanya read through the bottles one by one and with each label, her face would grow even more suspicious of the claims it promised. There were bottles that promised to be a cure to diabetes or cancer, medicines with odd names such as “Wizard Oil”, “Queen’s Face-Off Lotion”, “Essence of Life”, and even “Sperm Oil” (to which Vanya had to back away in disgust).

There were several sections divided on the shelves ranging from cures, antiseptics, to poison. Vanya wanted to inspect each one but an old-sounding masculine voice spoke from behind her.

“How can I help you, miss?”

The woman whipped her head to the source and saw an old stout man with long and shaggy white hair standing behind the counter. He had to be at least 70 years of age with his wrinkly face and his voice so hoarse.

“Are you Sebastian, the owner of this apothecary?” Vanya asked timidly.

“The one and only,” Sebastian rather deadpanned. “If you’re looking for _Dr. Kilher’s Female Remedy,_ then I’m sorry to say, someone had already beat you to it. Argh! That audacity of that woman to hoard the last three stocks, how preposterous!”

The woman stood there awkwardly as she listened to the shop owner cursing through the air. She didn’t even know what hell is a ‘female remedy’ but based on how sketchy it sounded like the rest of the medicines the store sells, she thought it was best not to inquire.

“Uhmm, I’m actually not here for the… Errr, female remedy.”

She hesitantly stepped closer to the counter and said in a low and almost inaudible volume as if she was about to share a secret.

“Do you happen to have… Mother Bailey’s Quieting Syrup?”

Sebastian glowered at her and for a moment, Vanya thought he was about to curse at her for her shameless request of that dangerous tincture.

But instead, the man said, “Miss, why on earth are you whispering?”

Vanya blinked in surprise. Embarrassed, she cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, it’s just that I thought the product I’m looking for is… illegal.”

“Illegal?” Sebastian scoffed before he burst into a raspy laugh that sounded like he was choking. “Miss, turn around and look to your left.”

She did as told and glanced at the shelf on her left. And clear as day, there was a section label that read, ‘Laudanum’. Under it, Vanya discovered that there were other brands of laudanum other than Mother Baileys.

_Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup._

_Ayer’s Cherry Pectoral_

_Batley’s Sedative Solution_

And amongst the various brands was a whole row of Mother Bailey’s Quieting Syrup.

It made Vanya’s mouth water.

“I get customers walking in everyday asking for at least five bottles. It’s a staple tincture, a district favorite indeed, I tell you. I have a hefty stock of it, and I bet you _Lockhart’s Apothecary_ from down east doesn’t even stand a chance.”

Vanya ignored the prattling owner and picked up one bottle.

This was it. She was holding the very substance that could offer her all the pleasure and remedy she needed. And all it took was 12 drops to make her forget all the problems and the ghosts of her dead family that haunted her every night.

When she gripped the bottle, she remembered the crestfallen expression on Alice’s face. Vanya remembered the days when she’d feel so light and blissful, only to feel tenfold worse right after the laudanum has worn off. If she were to take this all over again, then another week of withdrawal would await her. She’ll have to endure that horrible experience of vomiting, sweating, legs kicking all night, and all other symptoms that made her want to end her own life all because she chose to drink a tincture she thought that would take away all the hurt and the nightmares of living.

But then again, this drug _saved_ her. Took her in when she felt lost and lonely, cradled her, and made her feel safe.

And Vanya needed to feel that again even if there was a small voice at the back of her head helplessly screaming at her to return the bottle.

“I’ll take one, please.”

She laid the coins on the counter a bit too hurriedly, which made Sebastian look at her oddly.

“Alright,” he took the coins. “How about some hair oil --”

“No, thank you,” Vanya interrupted as she jammed the small bottle into her reticule which also held the tin container of tea leaves.

“I’ll be off now, thank you once again!”

She didn’t even wait to hear the owner’s response when she hastily left the shop. Outside, Erwin was already stepping closer to her the moment the door opened.

“Did you get what -- Vanya, is everything alright?”

Vanya didn’t know why but when she stepped out into the open, she was shaking. Spiked with adrenaline, dilated eyes, and heart beating too fast, she couldn’t believe the shameful deed she had done.

And yet, she can hardly wait any longer to go home and drink the laudanum.

“Fine,” Vanya said in a rush, brushing off the thirst and the electricity that was gnawing under her skin. “Shall we go?”

Erwin noticed how her fingers that were holding the strings of her bag were shaking. He also noticed a new outline of a small bottle through the bag, which hinted that Vanya did grab something from the apothecary.

“Yes, we shall,” he replied, deciding to let it slide. “I want to show you something.”

“Then, lead the way, gentleman,” Vanya said before they walked towards the direction of the river.

The waters almost sparkled as it reflected the blue skies and all its glory. They stepped onto the elevated bridge and when Vanya looked far ahead at the view that overlooked it, she gasped at the sight.

From the height where they stood, it gave them the landscape of the plaza, where a grand cathedral stood tall and mighty in the middle with its pointed towers and the multicolored mosaics for windows. At the central square, aristocratic civilians roamed the space with a few people sitting at the benches by the gardens that surrounded them. With the sunburst blazing its resplendence, it casted the whole civilization an air of richness and splendor.

“Well?” asked Erwin who leaned back onto the railing of the bridge and watched Vanya affectionately as she gawked at the view.

She closed her ajar mouth. “It’s beautiful.”

She held onto the railings and looked down just in time to see a merchant’s boat passing under the bridge.

“Be careful there, you might fall,” the man said.

“I may be a klutz but I’m not reckless,” Vanya chuckled before she looked up again to stare at the scenery before her. “To think I was just a peasant from the Underground and now, I’m here, where my father used to live.”

Erwin stiffened at the mention of her father. “Vanya, I need to tell you something.”

The woman glanced at him, silently signaling him to continue.

“I have been following your father’s case for a long time ever since he disappeared.”

This made Vanya’s attention turn away from the view. She gripped the railings tightly. “Why? Is there something I should know of my father?”

“I have a theory,” Erwin said pensively. “That what happened to your father is the same way that happened to mine.”

“You said your father passed away… What exactly happened to him?”

The blonde man took a deep breath, still finding it difficult to open up this particular piece of himself to anyone. “He was just a middle school teacher and yet the government found him to be a threat.”

His eyes went far off into a distance. “He was a believer of the truth about what lies ahead beyond these walls. That there is something far greater that awaits us which we cannot reach because of these walls that trap us in.”

Grisha Jaeger’s voice reverberated in Vanya’s head.

_“There will come a time when you recognize that real selfishness isn’t found not just on top but far beyond the walls that cage us from the truth. And I’m not just pertaining to the Titans themselves. I’m pertaining to something else much more evil.”_

“But isn’t the purpose of these Walls to protect us from those Titans? Why must we sacrifice more lives when we’re already safer here?”

“That’s what the royal government wants us to believe,” Erwin’s face became even serious. “And my father was certain of that. But then, I made a mistake…”

Vanya frowned when she caught the spirit in his eyes falling. “What happened?”

“It was all because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I was so careless that I thought sharing my father’s beliefs to the people around me would finally ignite humanity to search for the truth… But, alas… It only brought us even farther from it when my father disappeared.”

“And who did it? Who caused your father’s disappearance?” she asked, fraught with fear and concern.

Erwin’s eyes stopped at a group of Military Police stationed at the docks a few meters away from them.

“Them.”

Vanya followed his focus and gasped in shock. “The MP’s? Can they actually do that?”

“The police only answer to no one but the king, and I suspect that the royal family stops at nothing when it comes to eliminating aberrant subjects who attempt to uncover the truth,” he then looked at the tall walls that encased the district. “And it all starts with the Walls.”

“Are you saying that…” she contemplated, consolidating all the information and piecing together whatever truth she could make out. “My father was a threat to the king?”

“His disappearance follows the same pattern that has been going on for decades. Tell me, have you heard of the urban legend about the two miners who tried to dig a hole under the walls to get into the interior?”

Vanya shook her head, not having heard of the story.

“They say that it is a legend but I know it to be an actual case. It happened 60 years ago when one miner decided to dig a hole to get to Wall Sina. He dug for 20 years, and right when he was deep enough to create a tunnel, his shovel hit a bedrock. Apparently, the Walls extended deeper into the ground whenever he went deeper. It was as if the earth was rejecting him. He recounted his experiences to his friend but after the miner told his friend, the miner suddenly disappeared the following day. Of course, the friend was worried so he decided to confide with the Garrison about everything about the miner, including the miner’s plan of digging a tunnel. Eventually, the Military Police joined the investigation but unfortunately, the miner was never found nor was the hole he dug for twenty years.”

The woman felt goosebumps on her arms. “What a pity. To think that he staked 20 years of his life just for his effort to be wasted.”

“Indeed, and you know what’s even more odd?”

“What is?”

“The miner’s friend also disappeared and has never been found since.”

Vanya didn’t say anything after that. The cases of people disappearing and MP’s being involved suddenly made her terrified for the unknown. She felt like she was being wrenched into a twisted string of conspiracies she didn’t want to be a part of. But she knew she couldn’t say no -- not when her dear Papa is involved.

“So whatever truth the government is hiding also has to do with the Walls…” Vanya speculated. “And people who try to learn the truth disappear --”

“Murdered. They were murdered by the police, Vanya.”

“Okay, let’s say we are certain that the MP’s do murder these people,” she said hypothetically. “Then you think that my father was murdered because he knew the real nature of the walls, and the truth about what’s beyond it?”

“I don’t think so, I _know_ so.”

“But these people who disappear… For the police to catch them, there should be someone who must be their confidante, a witness, or at least someone who will come forward to the police and confess of their doings to uncover the truth. In the miner’s case, it was his friend. In your father’s, it was you. But what about my father? Who was his witness?”

The question impelled the deputy to ponder.

“I actually never thought of that,” he replied, making a humming sound of realization. “But the real question is, whoever that witness is, were they a friend or an enemy of your father’s?”

It piqued Vanya’s curiosity. “That makes sense. It’s either he confided in someone or a third party caught him and reported him to the police.” She tried to recall a few events that could serve as clues. “He started not returning to the Underground in 838. What was happening at that time?”

“It was the year the epidemic in Shiganshina ended. Both he and Grisha Jaeger were able to come up with a revolutionary vaccine.”

The woman pursed her lips. “Do you think…”

“That Jaeger was the witness?” Erwin finished. “Now that I think about it, it is a plausible hypothesis.”

Vanya knew in her guts that Dr. Jaeger had to be involved. That man always carried a disposition so suspicious. She could read through his eyes that he was a man bearing secrets, a semblance so peculiar and reticent.

“I’ll find out,” she said with untethered determination. “Once I train to be a doctor, I know I’ll be seeing him more often. I might even ask him to be my mentor -- I’ll figure it out. As long as I’m able to extract whatever information I can hold from him.”

“And if he finds out your intentions? What then?”

“He won’t,” she replied boldly. “In case you forgot, I used to serve as an insider for one of the most notorious gangs in the Underground. I think I can manage just fine.”

“If there’s any way I can help, do tell me right away,” Erwin said before he glared at the Walls. “This series of disappearances must come to an end once for all.”

“For our fathers,” Vanya asserted vindictively.

“For our fathers,” he repeated with the same tone of vengeance. “And for humanity. It’s only time humanity learns the truth.”

The river continued to flow serenely below them but there was a change in the skies. The clouds that were used to be cottony white were now ashen shades of grey. The blue skies dulled until there was nothing left but a misty sea hovering above them. The two adults basked in the comeliness of the environment in silence.

“Erwin?”

“Yes, Vanya?”

“When’s the expedition?”

There was a slight pause before the answer came.

“Two days from now.”

Vanya’s head swiftly shot to him.

“Two days?!” she shrieked in surprise.

“I’m afraid so,” Erwin responded despondently. “That is why I arranged a schedule for you to meet your friends tomorrow. I cannot have you not visit them before they partake into a risky mission.”

“Are these expeditions really that… deadly..?”

Erwin sighed. “I don’t think you’d want to hear the answer.”

“No, tell me,” she persisted.

The man looked away, not wanting to meet her eyes when he said: “In every expedition, we lose at least 30% of the brigade.”

Vanya felt her chest constricting. She put a hand on her head and rubbed her temples in exhaustion.

“Levi, Furlan, Isabel… please be safe,” she whispered to the winds.

And then she remembered.

Furlan’s letter.

It was in her pocket. And she hadn’t even opened it yet for weeks.

Vanya gasped and quickly dug into her pockets, earning intrigued stares from Erwin.

“I forgot to read their letters, I’m such a terrible friend!” she exclaimed once she was already holding out the envelope. “Erwin, do you mind if I…?”

“No, not at all. Please,” he encouragingly motioned for her to read it.

Vanya quickly thanked him and unsealed the envelope.

As expected, there were two pieces of paper, one of which from Furlan. But what was unexpected was, the other paper didn’t have Levi’s name.

It had Isabel’s.

Erwin slightly scooted away from Vanya to give her privacy. It became quiet once more between the two as Vanya delved her attention into the words her friends wrote. He patiently waited, letting the rustling summer air brush through them. He decided to sneak a glance at Vanya because even though the view in front of him was already breathtaking enough, he still could not help but prefer to stare at the young woman’s face.

While her lit green eyes were reading through the letter, she had a wide smile on her face. And then she laughed quietly. Then she was silently smiling again. The cycle of her expressions repeated, making the corners of Erwin’s lips tug upwards in endearment.

And then, tears appeared in her eyes. Moments later, she was sniffing but still, the sunny smile on her face remained. Erwin decided to look away.

For a couple of minutes, he stood there listening to the mixed sounds of sniffing, snorting and laughing. She seemed to be crying happily. At least, Erwin had nothing to be worried about. He wouldn’t want to see her cry again for he knew he’d feel an ache inside him if that happens.

Whatever that was written in those letters, it did a fantastic job at spurring all the emotions in her for her to cry and laugh at the same time.

Vanya lowered the letter and wiped the tears in her eyes. “Okay, I’m done.”

“Did something happen to them?” Erwin could not help but ask after witnessing her spasm of expressions.

“Oh, no, no!” she said, chuckling. “It’s just… them, being them.”

He didn’t know what she had meant by that but either way, he nodded understandingly. “I see… Shall I take you back to your place now?”

She nodded enthusiastically. He noticed her mood seemed to have gotten better after reading the letter.

But just as they were about to move, they suddenly felt wet droplets landing on their shoulders. Vanya looked up to see that the sky had already darkened and the clouds had turned gloomy.

And then, it began to pour on them.

“Come on!” Erwin shouted through the rain with hands bracing his head. He began to run back to the land but stopped halfway when he noticed no one was following him behind.

He turned around to see Vanya still standing on top of the bridge, looking up towards the melancholic skies as she let herself be drenched by the summer showers.

“Vanya,” he called out worriedly, walking back to her.

At this point, she had already removed her cap and her bun was now all ruined. Her red fringes stuck to the sides of her face, the same way her dress stickily adhered to the curves of her body. Erwin quickly looked away.

“You’re going to get sick -- “

“Erwin,” she said his name with a wispy voice. “This is ‘ _rain’_ , right?”

The man was baffled. “...Yes, it is.”

“Ah,” Vanya replied. “So this is what it feels like…”

She breathed in, opened her arms and closed her eyes. 

Erwin didn’t expect what she did next.

She began to spin around. Hop about. Jump on the puddles. Holler wildly. She laughed and cried out tears of felicity.

Vanya danced under the rain like a majestic nymph in a mystic rainforest, performing a whimsical ritual to the deities. Her arms were wide open like wings ready to soar through the rainstorm, wide enough to catch every single droplet to wash away all the loneliness, the pain, and the loss her heart had been dying to let go of.

She was alive with the taste of rain on her tongue, the deep puddles under her boots, and the feeling of being showered, drowning, wading through the downpour -- until she breathed in the air of freedom.

“So this is what rain feels like!” she repeated once more, but this time, she cried out the words blissfully before laughing again.

And Erwin remained standing at the side, watching the breathtaking girl dance so crazily yet gracefully at the same time. She had never looked so peaceful and free.

Then, Vanya stood still, closing her eyes and letting the rainfall continue to wash over her body and soul as she savored this infinite feeling.

But when she felt the droplets stop, she shot her eyes open to see Erwin standing so close to her, holding his soaked jacket above them to shield them from the rain.

“Hi,” she whispered sheepishly, her face a few centimeters away from his chest.

“Hello,” replied Erwin, smitten.

“Erwin, may I ask you something?”

“You’re already asking,” he remarked with a grin.

Vanya rolled her eyes and giggled. “Why are you so kind to me?”

Erwin tilted his head, questioning. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were only meant to bring me to the surface, you only came to me because of my brother’s last wish. And yet, you took me to places, helped me write, and here you are, standing with a crazy woman under the rain. Tell me, Erwin, why are you doing it?”

“I…” Erwin couldn’t find the right words to say. Here he was, the man so adept and remarkable in his speeches that enabled hundreds of men to be inspired by his words alone -- and yet, he didn’t know what to say to the woman in front of him.

“I don’t know…” he only said.

“That’s alright,” Vanya replied. “I don’t think anyone of us can ever rationalize the reckless things we do. We don’t think about it, we just… do it.”

She couldn’t be more right. Whenever he was with her, all his sense of judgement and reason seemed to have left him in the cold, leaving him to rely only on his heart.

“Vanya, let’s get you home.”

The rain began to simmer down until it became nothing but a drizzle.

She nodded before they walked away from the bridge and went back to the main road all while Erwin was holding out his jacket above them. Both of them began to feel so conscious of their proximity and the critical looks they were receiving from people holding umbrellas at the streets.

The walk back to the mansion took 20 minutes. It was 20 minutes of Vanya constantly slipping, Erwin catching her, them laughing, and enjoying the company of each other under the drizzle.

When they finally stopped in front of her gate, Vanya asked in concern. “How will you get back to the headquarters?”

“I already have a carriage waiting for me, don’t worry,” he said, shaking his head.

Both of them looked like a mess as if they were hit by a hurricane. Hair all messed up, sticky clothes, and they were both shivering.

“Thank you for today, Erwin. I really enjoyed this day.”

“No, Vanya. Thank _you_ ,” he said warmly.

Vanya’s eyebrows furrowed . “For what?”

“For making me realize that I can be a man who’s willing enough to stand under the rain with some crazy woman.”

“Oh, so you think I _am_ crazy?” she retorted teasingly.

“I think you’re beautiful.”

Then, Erwin removed the jacket above them, letting the rain freely fall on them again. He reached for Vanya’s hand, and brought it to his lips to plant a chaste kiss all while his eyes stayed on hers.

The woman blushed even after he had let go of her hand.

“Miss Vanya!”

A female servant appeared by the gate. “We must take you in, for heaven’s sake! You are going to catch a cold!”

Two more servants appeared and began to smother her with warm towels. And eventually, she was then dragged back to the mansion.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!” Erwin shouted over the gates as he waved when Vanya was already at the door.

Speechless and dazed, she only waved back at him wordlessly before the sight of him disappeared when she entered the foyer.

And just when Vanya thought she was finally all healed and happy from the delightful day she just had, the Universe still managed to prove her wrong.

Because that night, she curled under the sheets, breathing heavily along with the sluggish rhythm of her heartbeat. She was lulled by the familiar floating sensation, embracing her like a dear friend whom she had not seen for so long. Her senses were all tranquilized as she stared into space, caught in an idle stupor.

Her fingers drew circles on the sheets with her mind far off and detached. She brought her hand up, the hand which Erwin kissed, and stared at it like a fascinating specimen. As much as she wanted to contemplate why he did such a bold gesture a man could ever do, her mind was too clouded to formulate any coherent thoughts. 

On her nightstand, Mother Bailey’s Quieting Syrup was left uncorked but she couldn’t bring herself to put the cork back in when she was feeling too fuzzy and muddled so much as to stand.

Perhaps 30 drops of laudanum was a bad idea.

But then, a small sinister voice in her head told her: “You need this.”

Vanya rolled onto her back and looked intensely at the ceiling. She didn’t know what to feel anymore and at the same time, she was tired of feeling anything at all.

And being numb seemed like the best option if she still wanted to keep on living.

She was truly a fickle creature. One moment, she was relishing the freeing sensation of being in the rain, and now, all she wanted was to hide away in her indifference. She then began to laugh at herself insanely.

“Maybe I am crazy after all.”

She then closed her eyes and let the drug sing her to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So good news... LEVI, FURLAN AND ISABEL WILL FINALLY APPEAR AGAIN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER WOOOOO. I'm so so excited to write about that, gosh I really missed those three :(
> 
> By the way, the content of Furlan and Isabel's letter will be revealed in future so stay tuned for that hehehe. 
> 
> I just want to say once more how much I love you guys with all my heart huuuu I don't think you guys will understand me when I say that all your support and comments mean EVERYTHING to me. You guys make me feel so loved, for someone who has been insecure all her life. Thank you guys and I love you from the very bottom of my heart and with my entire soul.
> 
> I've been meaning to open a Q&A soon after I finish this arc before I kickstart the story to the canon setting. It would mostly focus on answering your questions about this story, if ever you guys have any. I realized that there is alot going on behind the scenes in the process of writing it and maybe, just maybe, you'd be curious of knowing how this story came to be. I'm still thinking about it if I should do a Q&A, do let me guys know whatchu think :))
> 
> As always, till the next chapter!
> 
> Frankie xo


	26. Under the Light, Part 7: Coming Home

**_Year 844_ **

****

Vanya remembered someone screaming.

It must have been a maid or her sister -- she couldn’t tell. But all she knew through her foggy memory that someone had entered her room the next morning, tried to nudge her awake, and screamed loud enough to rattle the walls when she barely moved.

When Vanya tried to peel her eyes open despite the merciless pounding in her head, she saw her maid scurrying out of the door, probably shouting for help.

_What’s happening?_

She tried to sit up, only to feel her whole back sticky with her sweat. The insides of her mouth were dry, and her vision had her seeing blurry silhouettes. When Vanya turned to her side, she saw a small glass bottle without a cork at her nightstand.

And then, like a slap to the face, all the memory from last night came hurling at her.

_What have I done?_

She quickly scampered towards the nightstand, snatched the bottle, put the cork right in, and pushed it under her pillow right before the door flew open to make way for the maid and Alice’s entrance.

“Thank goodness, you’re awake!” Alice shrieked, kneeling by the bed and taking Vanya’s clammy hands. “The maid thought you were unconscious! Oh dear, you look so terrible,” she frowned as she took in the sight of Vanya’s pale, disheveled, and decrepit state.

“I’m fine,” Vanya replied, panting. She didn’t know why she was losing her breath.

Alice shook her head. “I don’t think so. Perhaps you ought to stay in bed all day --”

“I can’t!” the younger sister suddenly cried out, making Alice flinch. “I’m finally seeing them again, Alice, I have to go!”

“Seeing who?”

“My family…” Vanya buried her head in her hands. “Furlan… Isabel… Levi…”

Alice made a face of realization and sympathy. “They’re your friends who are in the Survey Corps right now, right?”

Vanya nodded weakly. “I must see them, it’s their first expedition tomorrow and I… I don’t know what will happen to them.”

The blonde woman felt her heart being twisted raw as she felt her sister’s trepidation through her shaking hands.

It was precisely why Alice has always expressed her hate towards the Scouts regiment ever since the dawn of her time. The whole arrangement of sending out soldiers out of the walls, only to end up having their limbs torn apart by grubby and bloated Titan fingers, was a concept she found it to be so futile and repugnant. And now, with the possibility of Vanya’s best friends ending up in the same terrifying predicament, Alice couldn’t help but feel even more heartbroken for her sister, and more angry for the said regiment.

“But you’re sick, perhaps you’re still withdrawing,” Alice reasoned out, planting a firm hand on Vanya’s forehead that was already practically burning, and besmeared with so much sweat.

Vanya bit her lips. She couldn’t dare tell her sister that she had a bottle of laudanum hiding under her pillow.

“I can manage, I promise,” she begged, though she knew well enough that any given moment she could collapse.

But she didn’t have a choice. It was now or never.

Alice sighed. “Vanya, if you are to travel for a hundred kilometers in that state, I need some sort of reassurance that you will be taken great care of.”

“Erwin will take me to the barracks, he’s set to fetch me this morning. You have nothing to worry about.”

At the mention of the deputy’s name, Alice had to hold her face from scrunching. Yet with one look on Vanya’s face veiled with so much worry and panic for the fate of her friends, the older sister had no choice but to cave in.

“Fine…” said Alice in defeat. She stood up and looked down on her sister who was already adorning a weak grin on her sickly pale face. “Vanya…”

“Hmmm?”

“Is there something I need to know of?”

Vanya discreetly tightened her grip that was burying the tincture.

“No… I told you, Alice, there’s nothing to be worried about.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Six hours.

It takes six hours for a person to travel from Stohess to Trost by carriage.

It had also meant six hours of Vanya being in the transportation with the man who had kissed her hand the day prior.

“Vanya, you ought to take a nap, it will be a long and tedious journey,” Erwin said, sitting across from the woman who was looking so jittery as she fiddled with the fingers of her gloves.

That morning, after Alice and her maid had left the room, she took 10 more drops of the laudanum, thinking it could resolve the morning sickness she had.

But it only worsened her situation.

“Yes, I probably should,” she said heavily, dropping her aching head to the cushions of her seat.

Erwin frowned at her feverish disposition. “Are you sure you’re capable enough to travel? You don’t look too well.”

Vanya had noticed the slight changes in his demeanor towards her ever since yesterday’s events. Gone was his air of reservedness and austerity. Now, his expressions had now turned softer, with every beat of the emotions he would elicit. He no longer held himself back in emphasizing a frown or showing a face that gave proof to the fact how much he cared for the woman sitting in front of him.

“Erwin, out of all people, it’s you who should know how important this visit is to me,” she replied with a sullen tone. “I only have this one chance to see them one last time before your mission.”

“But your health is more important,” he said pensively. “And I’d rather you not say that with an implication that this will be the last time you’ll be seeing your friends. I intend to keep the promise I made.”

Vanya looked away, recalling the bold promise Erwin made to keep her friends safe.

“It’s like what you said to me on the first day we met,” she said distantly. “ _No one can foretell the future_.”

Erwin couldn’t speak. Because indeed, the woman was right. No matter how many times he would reassure her that he’ll protect her friends, nothing could ever defy the course of time and its unpredictability.

When Vanya noticed the man’s silence, she said, “Please don’t hesitate to wake me up when we’re already near our destination.” She was starting to feel the exhaustion kicking in even if it was still morning, and she thought she didn’t have the energy to converse with Erwin for the next five hours or so.

He felt his chance of lifting her spirits dissipating into thin air when she faced his body away from him. “Alright, I will…” he tried his best to hide the glum in his voice.

When Erwin saw that Vanya had closed her eyes, he couldn’t help but begin to overthink.

Was kissing her hand the wrong move?”

He noticed the aloofness in her behavior from the way she was avoiding his eyes. Or perhaps it was just the sickness that was debilitating her from properly expressing herself to him. Either way, it was driving him mad, not knowing the real reason why she was acting so nonchalant.

Erwin sat there for hours, occasionally looking out through the window to see the pastures passing by but most of the time, he was watching her peaceful face dozing off into slumber.

The man held true to his words when he told her for the first time that she was beautiful.

She reminded him of a small flicker of light illuminating the darkness and the vileness he had to endure through the shadows of his reality. Everyday, Erwin had to bear the weight of his responsibility as the deputy commander of a regiment that was accountable for the hundreds of losses they had to painfully witness each expedition. And each time, he’d lose a fraction of hope for the humanity he had been dedicating his heart to so relentlessly that there were dire moments when the only practical course of action to do was to give up.

But for every time Erwin would stare at Vanya’s innocent face, and feel the radiating afterglow of her kindness, humility, and sincerity, he’d regain all hope that was lost during fruitless battles. Just one look of her smile or the effervescent sound of her laugh, Erwin was reminded that there was still a reason to fight each day.

And he needed to make sure she knew that. It was about time he needed to tell her.

Thus, when the carriage approached the gates of Trost hours later, Erwin took a deep breath before he reached forward and gently shook her shoulder.

“Vanya, we’re near…”

The woman’s eyes fluttered open before groggily sitting up straight and stretching her neck.

“What?” she yawned, blinking her eyes.

“We’ve arrived at Trost. It will take a few minutes before we get to the headquarters,” Erwin repeated, sitting back down. He suddenly sensed a wave of nervousness overtaking him.

Vanya gasped at the news, finally looking alive and awake.

“Really?! Gosh…” Her breathing began to quicken, triggering up the man’s concern once again. When he began to shoot another series of questions asking if she was feeling sick, she waved him off. “No, no, this is nothing. It’s just…”

Her heart was racing and her palms felt even stickier. A small and nostalgic smile stretched on her face.

“It’s been four months since I last saw them,” she softly chuckled to herself. But then, a sudden realization hit her, making her shoot her eyes wide open. “Oh crap!”

Vanya began to adjust her bonnet and straighten out any creases on her mustard yellow dress, silently cursing herself for sleeping in a position that spoiled the neatness of her dress. She had decided that morning that she wanted to wear the very first dress Alice had made for her, the one her sister pulled out from her wardrobe the first time she arrived at the mansion. Vanya had the strong urge to want to look presentable and maybe even pretty in front of her friends so that they can perhaps overlook the lethargy that was all over her.

But sadly, even a pretty yellow cotton dress couldn’t hide her drastic weight loss and the flurry of sadness and numbness painted all over her eyes.

“I probably look so terrible right now,” she muttered as she fixed her bangs and her bun. After smoothening out every inch on her, making sure everything is in place, she looked up at Erwin. “Okay, how do I look? Do you think I might creep them out? Oh no, should I remove the ribbon on my cap? Wait, dammit, it’s sewn in place so I can’t take it off. I’ll probably just ditch the cap. Maybe the dress looks a bit too much. Perhaps I should change, I have a change of clothes in my luggage. God, what if they won’t like me anymore? Do they still even care about me? Have they forgotten about me? Dammit, maybe I should change my dress, I look horrid and -- ”

“Vanya.”

The woman shut her mouth.

Erwin breathed deeply before saying, “You don’t need to change anything, you look beautiful.”

Vanya blinked for a moment, remembering the same comment from the previous day she had spent with him. Even if it was already the second time hearing it from him, she was still astounded. “You… you said that yesterday,” she said, as if she still hadn’t processed his words the first time he had said it to her

“I still believe it to be true,” he said. His voice was beginning to quiver.

 _Here goes nothing_ … He thought.

Erwin reached for her hand and cupped it with both of his hands. Vanya almost recoiled in surprise at the contact and the sudden warmth of his skin against her cold ones.

“Vanya, I wish to tell you something and I… hope you listen to my words whole-heartedly,” he began with a voice bearing so much weight.

Vanya could feel her hand in his trembling in anticipation. She didn’t know if she should feel scared for what he was about to say next. But still, the jitters in her fingertips were there nonetheless.

“Okay, what is it…?” she asked slowly.

Erwin’s thumb began to stroke her knuckles.

“I believe that one of the greatest acts of kindness a person could offer is clarity,” he started.

Vanya’s eyebrows furrowed, not exactly getting where he was leading to but she remained silent so that he could continue.

“I want to be kinder to you by being clear with my intentions with you.”

“Intentions?” the woman echoed.

Erwin’s eyes softened.

“I wish to take care of you, Vanya.”

Her eyes sparked with amusement. “But you _are_ taking care of me. You’ve been doing that for the past few months.”

“N-no, I mean...” he stammered momentarily before directing his eyes deeper into hers, hoping she could read through the window to his helplessly enraptured soul.

“I want to be the one who will take care of you for the rest of your life…”

Erwin finally found the fortitude in his voice he had been trying to muster for the past hours.

“I desire nothing more than to make you happy, Vanya,” he said affectionately as his hold on her hand became firmer -- as firm as his emotions igniting for her and her alone. “Ever since your brother died, I was deeply broken to have lost not just a courageous soldier but also an important companion. I felt so angry, and worthless, blaming myself, wishing that he hadn’t saved me and that it should’ve been me who died that day.”

“No, Erwin, don’t say that --”

“Hear me out,” he said almost desperately, sighing. “I need to let this out, I couldn’t go on so any longer without telling you what I’ve been trying to repress all this time. So please just… listen.”

Vanya’s breathing hitched as she bit her lips.

“Okay, I will listen.”

At this point, their carriage had already entered the gates of Trost. The bustling sounds of the markets, and people carrying on with their everyday mundane lives filled the atmosphere. And yet the only sound Vanya focused on was Erwin’s shaky breathing and the words he was about to say next.

“But when I met you, all the anger and worthlessness just disappeared. To think that it would only take a meeting with my fallen companion’s younger sister in the Underground would help me get back on my feet again. Even the insanity in me wants to thank your brother’s death for leading me to you, for even if I may have lost someone important, I met someone new who has changed me in ways I couldn’t so much as imagine.”

Erwin paused, preparing himself for the landslide of words his heart was about to pour out.

“And I realized that I wish to be with you, Vanya, for the rest of our lives and if you allow me, until our dying days. I will do whatever it takes to give you all the things in life you’ve been deprived of during your days in the Underground. I want to provide you a future you deserve. Stability, comfort, security, I will give you _everything_ that you wouldn’t desire anything more and I swear on Cedric’s grave that I will do that for you. Let me be that man for you and I promise, you would have nothing more to worry about in your life because I will be there to take care of you, only if you wish to accept my heart.”

Vanya sat there, frozen and speechless, with her hand still in his. All language and vocabulary were stolen from her consciousness as her messily wired mind tried to absorb what she had just heard. She opened her mouth to say something, only to shut it close when her mind hit a wall.

Erwin internally panicked at her silence but still managed to keep a serious face. “I’m not asking you to marry me -- at least not yet. Though I hope that one day you would give me the chance to ask you that and it would bring me so much joy if you do say yes. I’d be _so_ happy, and I know I could make you happy.”

He then began to gently play with her fingers.

“But for now, all I ask is for us to be together, I want to know you more as much as I want you to fully know me. I’d already be more than content with just that,” he said softly and surely with a small and hopeful smile.

And at the exact moment, the carriage stopped moving, signifying that they have already arrived at the headquarters.

“Erwin, I…” The words thoughtlessly escaped from Vanya’s lips, and yet she didn’t know how to continue it. Not when her head was completely in static.

“You don’t need to answer now. The last thing I want is to rush you,” he said, letting go of her hand. “For now, I just want you to enjoy your visit with your friends.”

Someone pulled the door from the outside and a male Scout saluted to Erwin. The deputy commander stood up, stepped out of the carriage and nodded to the soldier. The tenderness in Erwin’s face disappeared when he had stepped out and reverted back to his bearing of professionalism.

“But aren’t you dreading that something might happen to you in the expedition before you even get the chance to hear my answer?” she timidly asked.

She dazedly stood up, and when she poked her head out of the door, Erwin was already offering his hand for her to take. The male Scout standing by his side had a look of curiosity upon seeing the deputy commander bringing an elegant-looking woman to the headquarters.

Vanya tried her best to ignore the man’s stare as she hesitantly took Erwin’s hand.

The blonde man smirked at her, gripping her hand whilst she stepped down.

“Then, all the more will I fight harder to stay alive so that I can return and hear your answer.”

Vanya’s eyes stayed on his, as her cheeks reddened and her insides caused a disarray.

They stood in front of a fortress that resembled a grand castle. It had high towers with slit-like windows, mosaics of stone grey rocks that erected the walls, and raised on top was the flag of the Wings Of Freedom waving patriotically across the infinite horizon.

 _So this is the Survey Corps Headquarters…_ She thought as she marveled at the impressive stronghold.

Another Scout soldier appeared by Erwin’s side. The person had a slender build, donned goggles on their eyes, and a messy brown ponytail, while hues of vigor glimmered all over their big brown eyes.

“Deputy,” the soldier saluted. “The wagon containing our supplies is now ready for tomorrow.”

“Excellent,” Erwin nodded promptly

When the soldier noticed a short pretty redhead in a yellow dress standing in front of Erwin, they gasped excitedly.

“It can’t be!” they exclaimed incredulously. “So, you’re the reason why Erwin would always disappear from the HQ!”

Erwin’s eyes seriously narrowed as he sternly, “Hange.”

Vanya perked at the mention of the estranged person’s name. She remembered Furlan mentioning it in one of his letters.

But the soldier, Hange, ignored the man and giddily snatched Vanya’s hands.

“My, I didn’t know you’d be so adorable! I guess Erwin’s absences can be excused,” Hange said with a bit too much excitement, their childlike eyes sparkling.

“Uhhhh,” Vanya shot Erwin an awkward look before looking back at the eccentric person holding her hands a bit too tightly. “Thank you…? It’s nice to meet you, Hange.”

“Likewise, sweet cheeks!” they cooed at the bewildered woman, who blushed at the nickname given to her. “Now what brings such an exquisite woman like you to the HQ? This isn’t really a type of place for nobles because well… last time I checked, they hate our guts.”

“She’s a friend of the new recruits from the Underground, she’s here to visit them,” Erwin starkly answered for Vanya.

Hange gushed even more. “Really?! So, you’re Vanya?!”

“How did you know?” asked the woman, getting even more weirded out.

“Why, you’re all that girl, Isabel, is always babbling about! She just can’t seem to shut up about you,” Hange explained.

Vanya couldn’t help but smile widely at their response. She felt her heart swooning with butterflies at the thought of Isabel remembering her everyday even if the younger girl was preoccupied with training.

“Hange, I think it’s best if she’s to be brought to the recruits at this time,” Erwin spoke up. “Where are they right now?”

“I think they had just finished the training for the day, so they might be loitering at the courtyard,” they replied before their face was struck with an idea. “Oh! Erwin, can I take her to them?”

Erwin’s face hardened with distrust.

“I promise I won’t give her _the talk_!” Hange said defensively

Vanya asked innocently. “What talk? Talk about what?”

Hange’s aura darkened, their face overtaken with a sinister smirk. “About the Titans,” they said like a maniac.

The twitch in Erwin’s eyes was unmistakable.

“Ooooh, that seems fascinating!” Vanya said in awe, overlooking the frenzy in Hange’s eyes. “I’d never seen a Titan and I’d like to hear about it.”

Erwin had to cringe. “Vanya, I’d rather you not --”

“You heard the lady!” Hange crazily snickered before entwining arms with Vanya as if they were already close friends. “Now, let’s go!”

Hange vigorously dragged Vanya into the castle-like premises. She craned her head back at Erwin to see him giving a subtle and worried smile at her.

 _I want to be the one who will take care of you for the rest of your life…_ His bold proclamation reverberated in her head.

She quickly looked away.

“So, Hange, ummm.” she gave her attention back to Hange who took her around the property, passing through a series of buildings. “What do you --”

“So are you and the deputy commander a thing now?”

Vanya’s eyes bulged at Hange’s question. They were even wiggling their eyebrows, suggesting something lewd to the topic.

“N-no!” she shrieked, causing a few heads from other soldiers turning to their direction.

“Nah, I don’t buy it. Erwin would never leave the HQ for a woman,” Hange said teasingly.

Erwin’s speech in the carriage was still fresh in Vanya’s mind. She tried her best to push it away. “He… takes care of me. My brother, who used to be a lance corporal here, was his closest friend.”

“What’s the name of your brother?”

Vanya reluctantly answered, “Cedric. Cedric Ronan.”

“No way!” Hange said, shocked. “You’re Cedric’s sister?”

She nodded slowly.

“I’m sorry for what happened. He was truly one of the most remarkable soldiers the regiment has ever had. We’re doing our first test run of his strategy for tomorrow’s expedition and I must say, it’s amazing how his plan was so well thought out. I’ve never been this hopeful for an expedition before.”

“Yeah…” Vanya could only say dejectedly.

“I miss Cedric, what a laidback lad he was. He’s one of the few who genuinely appreciated the work I do in this regiment,” Hange sighed longingly.

“What do you exactly do again?” the woman asked.

“I’m the head of the Titans Research Unit here in this regiment,” the cheerful person said. “I facilitate the research we conduct about the Titans.”

“I didn’t know there exists such a unit in the military, that’s so interesting,” Vanya said, intrigued. “How much does humanity know so far about the Titans?”

“Very little, sad to say. The questions outnumber the answers and theories we have of them. Where did they come from? What exactly is their motive? Can they only die with a slice on their napes? So we formulate hypotheses, gather data, and identify if it actually corroborates what little knowledge we know about them.”

Vanya’s face gradually morphed into a look of amazement. “And what have you found out so far in your study?”

Hange’s mood deflated. “As of now, nothing too significant and it’s mainly because samples are hard to come by. Cut off a Titan’s finger and they’ll evaporate right away into steam before you even get the chance to haul it in the cart. We have yet to incarcerate a live Titan for our study and the last time the Survey Corps attempted that, it cost us 20 men.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Vanya frowned. “Though they evaporate, you say? Tell me more about it.” She couldn’t figure out why a species so notorious piqued her interest. Perhaps it was because living all her life in the Underground used to make her think that the world was so small and dull, and only to realize that there was still a whole lot more to know about the cruel reality they live in.

Vanya’s words made Hange’s spirits lift as a grin gradually stretched on their face. It was the first time the scientist encountered someone who was interested to inquire more about Titan knowledge and Hange knew they mustn’t let this rare opportunity pass.

Hange quickly delved into their explanation. “You see, every time their limbs are severed off, they would always emit some steam and regenerate for the loss. The same logic applies when they are hit at the primary killing spot: the nape. But the difference is, when that is sliced, they lose their ability to regenerate, die, and end up getting barbecued into thin air.”

“I see…” Vanya replied, deep in thoughts. “So I guess Titans must have brains then? Surely the nape has to connect the rest of their body to whatever executive organ that commands them to function. It does bear a lot of similarities to human anatomy,” she said as she tried to remember what her father had taught her about the human body.

“Precisely, they have brains but quite the foolish and dumb creatures they still are. We have yet to find out if they have the ability to communicate just like us humans.”

“But they aren’t like us, materially speaking,” Vanya surmised. “If they just evaporate eventually, then their body composition is not exactly… solid. Maybe they’re like, hmmmm… solidified hot air of some sort. Hah, I’m spewing nonsense, I may be wrong.”

Hange considered the woman’s assumption intently. “No, no, I think there's a degree in which your theory can be true…”

“Really? Why do you say so?”

“You are right when you say that they aren’t exactly solid. An evidence of that is how we can easily slice our swords into their flesh, and tear through their tissues. Even a soldier can smoothly cut its head off. Their body isn’t the densest, after all. Perhaps some gaseous substance is what gives the solid shape to their form.”

They then flashed Vanya a lopsided smile, bearing their teeth. “You’re quite the thinker you are, sweet cheeks. I should go over that theory of yours and consolidate more evidence to confirm your statement.”

Vanya blushed. “T-thank you, I feel so honored hearing that from you, a well-educated, deductive and respectable person, whereas I’m just an unschooled girl from the slums.”

“Respectable? Me? Oh please! People treat me here like I’m a joke,” Hange huffed.

They were now out in the open once again, after walking through a series of hallways. They passed by parked wagons carrying the gas supplies for the ODM equipment, and well-bred horses stationed at the stables.

“Why would they do that? Your line of work deserves praise as it entails a lot of effort and intelligence. I don’t think any ordinary person can easily fulfill the job as expeditious as you do.”

“Wow, t-thanks!” Hange sputtered bashfully, not used to receiving acclaims.

“I’m surprised people don’t recognize your hard work as much as they should,” Vanya said in disappointment. “I think learning the nature of the Titans shouldn’t be taken as some joke. If anything, it will give you the upper hand to your expeditions. Not knowing your enemies is as good as losing a battle way before it has even begun.”

“Exactly my thoughts!” Hange gasped, astonished. “Where have you been all my life?”

Vanya chuckled and shrugged. She felt so happy having to meet a new person whose company she truly enjoyed that she wished she could interact more with them in the future.

“Vanya, please tell me you’re going to follow in your brother’s footsteps and enlist into the Scouts! I must have you in my unit, I can’t let that brain of yours go to waste!”

The woman dropped her head regrettably. “I’m sorry but... I really don’t see myself in the military. I’m not exactly physically fit to be here and I don’t think I’d do well on the gears.”

Hange released a puff of dismay. “Well, that’s a bummer… What do you plan to do then?”

“I want to be a doctor, I want to save people’s lives,” Vanya responded wistfully.

The brunette whistled, impressed. “That’s some big dream right there. But then again, who am I to judge when the dreams of the soldiers here are even more nuts?” they sniggered before saying, “Well, I wish you luck on that, though I think you won’t be needing it, seeing how intelligent you seem.”

Vanya’s face flustered. “Thank you, Hange.”

Hange added, “Though I do badly hope I’d get to collaborate with you in the future even if you don’t end up enlisting here.”

“I do hope so too,” Vanya nodded with an optimistic wonder in her eyes.

At that moment, the pair had arrived at a spacious quadrangle surrounded by other buildings of the premises

“Well, here’s the courtyard. Those recruits should be here somewhere, I’d see them loiter here during their free time every now and then...”

Vanya’s hands began to quiver, she didn’t know why she felt so anxious. Her heart was beating too fast, she was so sure it was going to rupture out of her chest.

The open space was empty, and up above them, the hazy skies were now slinking its way towards the time of sunset. It was beginning to dim down with shades of blue, red, and violet casting its glow all over the courtyard.

And yet, Levi, Furlan, and Isabel we’re out of sight.

Disappointed, Vanya heaved a deep sigh. Hange was about to turn her around to take her elsewhere when….

“Literally, your only job was to come up with a convincing excuse to stall the officers, and all you did was ask them about the damn weather? Can’t you get even more stupid?”

“You know I suck at lying! Not to mention, you were taking too long searching through their office and I ran out of things to say. And stop calling me stupid!”

“Oh yeah? Then what’s 32 divided by 8?”

“What the hell?! That’s not fair, I haven't even learned divisions yet!”

Vanya swore her heart had stopped pulsing when she heard those familiar voices from far ahead.

And when she looked up, there they were.

Just entering the courtyard a few feet from where Vanya and Hange stood, a lanky blonde man wearing a Scouts uniform was walking alongside a shorter girl with fiery red hair, who also sported the same outfit.

The feisty girl, much to her childish pleasure, punched the man’s arm while he cried out curses in pain.

“Oh god…” Vanya choked as she watched the chaotic pair whom she hadn’t seen for achingly too long.

It was them.

Furlan and Isabel, all looking healthy and well, and yet they still managed to act in the same rowdy way.

Hange patted Vanya’s shoulder and whispered encouragingly. “Go get ‘em, sweet cheeks.”

“Thank you,” Vanya whispered back and before she even knew it, her legs were already acting on its own as she ran towards them across the courtyard.

“Furlan! Isabel!”

When she cried out their names so euphorically, the pair in front of her froze on spot.

“Did you hear that…?” Furlan asked his friend.

Isabel gasped. “Is it me or does that sound like…”

When they both turned around to see who was wildly shouting their names, their jaws were almost on the ground.

In front of them was their best friend in a yellow flowy dress, sprinting towards them.

“Sis?!” Isabel shrieked in shock.

Furlan didn’t even think nor hesitate when he, too, broke into an eager sprint towards Vanya whilst hollering out cries of joy. Isabel followed suit, dashing beside the man like a kid.

And when the three friends converged in the middle, like two worlds colliding, they crashed into each other into a tight embrace.

Vanya wrapped her arms around the two of them and held onto them like there was no tomorrow. Like the world was ending and the last thing she’d want to do was to keep them safe in her arms and protect them one last time until her very last breath. She breathed in their scent as Furlan and Isabel tightened their hold around the woman. They were all silent, too overwhelmed, thinking that uttering a single word would crush this inexplicably precious moment.

“Oh Furlan… Isabel…” she whispered with a fragile voice. “I missed you.”

When they pulled away, Vanya took in their new appearance.

In their uniform, they no longer looked like the old, scruffy, and unruly thugs who would spend their days stealing in the alleyways of the badlands. Now, they were soldiers, protectors of humanity as they stood tall and proud with the insignia of the Survey Corps on their brown jackets.

“Look at you, you both look so dashing,” she laughed that almost sounded tearful as her hands caringly smoothened over their collars and sleeves like a mother fixing her children’s clothes. “My fighters…” she said lovingly.

“Look at _you_!” Furlan rebutted as he gawked at Vanya’s appearance. “You look… _wow_. I barely recognized you. And you can finally walk again!”

Isabel poked the ribbon on Vanya’s bonnet warily. “Is this what people would wear in the interior, sis?” Then, Isabel focused on the woman’s figure. “And since when did your waist get so tiny?”

“It’s just the corset, dear,” Vanya chuckled.

Isabel flashed a weirded look. “The hell is a corset?”

“Soon, I’ll let you wear one. It’s life-changing,” said Vanya with a wink. “Though I’m not sure if in a good or bad way, it’s up to you.”

The younger redhead’s face soured. “I think I’ll pass. I’m good with my belly,” she replied while rubbing her stomach as Vanya giggled.

When her laugh died down, it soon hit her that there was someone missing. Like a lost piece that was left to complete this beautiful picture of a moment.

“Where’s Levi?” she asked, looking around consciously.

There was no one else in the courtyard and it only added to the dejection she was feeling.

“Bro would usually spend the afternoon in the training grounds using the gears to clear his mind off. He should be back by now.”

“Oh…” Vanya could only say.

She was feeling even more jittery and she couldn’t understand why. She was just going to see the man whom she considered as her best friend after months. Nothing crazy. That was it -- there was absolutely nothing to be nervous about.

And yet, her insides were churning, ready to spew out every ounce of emotions all over the ground. She scowled.

“Oh, don’t make that face, we didn’t expect you to visit after all,” Furlan said.

“You know, sis,” Isabel spoke with a smirk. “You should take a guess who, among the three of us, misses you the most. Seriously that person has been moping too much, it’s annoying.”

“You, perhaps?” Vanya teased yet her guts already knew who it was.

“Heh, I won’t tell you,” Isabel poked her tongue out.

Furlan snickered. “We’re just so happy to see you again, Vanya,” he eyed his gracefully dressed best friend from head to toe. “You seem different.”

“She doesn’t _seem_ different, she _is_ different,” Isabel emphasized with a roll of her eyes.

Vanya’s smile fell, mortified. “Is different bad?”

“No, silly!” Furlan shook his head, softly laughing. “You know we would never hate you no matter what you look like.”

Vanya felt an outpour of warmth unfolding within her at his words.

Isabel piped in ecstatically. “But seriously, you look like a princess!”

“Indeed,” the man nodded happily. And then, he began to bow, pretending to be some posh gentleman. “May I have this dance, your majesty?” he spoke with a pretentious and mocking accent while offering his hand.

Vanya sheepishly grinned, playing along as she gave a curtsy. “You may, kind sir.”

She took his hand and instead of dancing a formal waltz, Furlan pulled her in and playfully twirled the woman around. The three laughed boisterously at how ridiculous they looked in the middle of the courtyard as the pair continued to dance together chaotically, spinning about like fools while Isabel stood aside, making fun of Furlan’s uncoordinated moves.

“Oy, what’s all this ruckus?”

Vanya stopped moving.

So did her world.

She dropped her shaking hands from Furlan’s shoulders but couldn’t will her own body to turn herself around.

“Bro, you’re back!” Isabel chirped.

It became quiet after that, no one dared to speak. With Vanya’s back on them, she couldn’t see the look on their faces. She could only feel the tension lingering.

She could feel _his_ eyes burning through her back.

And when Vanya turned around, she finally saw him.

The ice inside her thawed, and an avalanche came rumbling in the depths of her soul.

All the sounds, from the rustles of the winds to the rapid beating of her heart, muted. And everything else around, from the structures of the buildings to outlines of Furlan’s and Isabel’s body, faded away.

Because there he was, standing in front of her.

He looked even more handsome and well-built in the uniform. More dignified, refined, daring. But it was still _him_. Flashing the same cold steel eyes, and a mask of surniless to veil himself from any emotion.

Beautiful.

And there she was, standing in front of him.

She looked even lovelier and softer in the yellow dress. More gentle, pure, fragile. But it was still _her_. Though she seemed more frail and thinner, she still carried the same lively green eyes, and her delicate heart on her sleeves.

Beautiful.

“Hello, Levi,” Vanya spoke breathlessly, with a knot forming in her throat and lungs.

Levi gazed at her quietly with a face so unreadable. His eyes roamed all over her appearance from her neatly styled hair in a low bun hidden under a frilly cap to how the yellow dress brought out the shine in her eyes. He gulped when for a second, his mind went blank because right there, Vanya looked like an angel.

He spoke his first word to her with a smirk. “You finally came, brat.”

It felt so nice seeing his smirk again.

She slowly strided towards him until they were eye to eye, close enough to hear each other’s breathing.

“You look nice,” Vanya noticed how his uniform perfectly accentuated his slender figure. “For someone who used to break the laws, this look suits you.”

Levi scoffed, “Did you come all the way here just to give shitty backhanded compliments?” His tone may have been harsh, but there was no hiding the delight and fondness in his eyes.

“Yes, that seems the case,” Vanya hummed mischievously. “It gets awfully too dull in the interior with no one to banter with so I figured coming here.”

She realized how she was now a few centimetres taller than him due to the heel in her boots. She did everything she could to bite herself back from sniggering.

“That’s the stupidest reason I have ever heard,” he grumbled, before turning around.

Everyone panicked when they saw him at the brink of walking away from them when Vanya grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, surprising the man.

“Gosh, you’re still a grinch,” Vanya groaned but with a light smile on her face. “I came here for _you_ , idiot.”

There was a hint of red tinting Levi’s cheeks.

And when he thought she couldn’t surprise him even more, Vanya swiftly wrapped her arms around his neck.

She buried her face into the soft curve of his neck, nuzzling into his warmth and safety.

“I missed you, Levi.”

Vanya had said it so surreptitiously and smoothly against his ear that he shivered with goosebumps.

Levi snaked his trembling hands around her hand so achingly slow before pulling her body closer to his until their hearts became one with one another.

He breathed in the scent of her hair and her skin like it was his oxygen to his lungs. She smelled differently like expensive perfume and no longer the fresh exotic aroma of herbs she’d use for her medicines.

But he didn’t give a shit. It was still _her_. No matter how much rich perfume she’d wear or how many times she changes her clothes, he wouldn’t care. Because right now, all that mattered was he was finally holding her in his arms and that was already _everything_ he ever wanted.

“You don’t look half as bad, I guess...” he whispered back shyly without pulling away because he wanted to hide the blush in his face. Though in his head he had wanted to say she looked like the sun.

“Really? You like my new look?” Vanya teased, her nose almost tickled his neck as she gave a chuckle.

 _I like you._ It was at the tip of his tongue.

“If it won’t make you act like those stuck-up, rich pigs then, sure,” he said instead while his thumbs began to stroke the small expanse of her back. He heard her release another chuckle.

“Do you not miss me?” Vanya mumbled with a hopeful tone.

Levi tightened her arms around him, scared of losing her again.

“I do, you brat.”

Furlan and Isabel, who were silently watching the whole scene from the sides, could only smile so fondly at the pair for they knew how much their grumpy raven-haired friend had been brooding at the corners for weeks with Vanya’s letter in his hands.

Over Vanya’s shoulder, Levi took a peek at the sun sinking as bursts of orange light cascaded all over the space.

“So much,” he added with a voice so low, Vanya didn’t almost catch it.

Though he wasn’t a believer, staring at the sunset behind her made Levi want to worship whatever higher being that reigned the earth for bringing this beautiful woman back to his arms

“Group hug!” Isabel shouted as she rowdily latched onto the pair.

Vanya groaned at the impact while Levi grunted, “Oy!”

Furlan guffawed and joined as he wrapped his arms around all of them, and as the tallest person in the group, he made sure he was holding everyone.

Vanya wanted to cry how good this moment felt. With Isabel rubbing their cheeks together, Furlan almost suffocating them with his long arms, Levi’s grouchy “stop making this so fucking cheesy”, and just her being at the center of it all, her stomach almost hurting from laughing too much.

And right there, Vanya knew that she had finally come home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it, the gang's reunion :,)
> 
> Gosh, a lot of things happened in this one chapter alone, it's crazy. It was supposed to be longer but I decided to cut it short so next chapter will be out tomorrow by the latest. Or maybe by the time you've finished reading this chapter, the next chapter will have already been released. 
> 
> And I just want to make it clear for everyone once again, Hange's pronoun will be them/they so as to be consistent with Isayama's intention of making their character as nonbinary. 
> 
> Till the next chapter! 
> 
> Frankie xo


	27. Under the Light, Part 8: See You Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HIGHLY suggest you play this soundtrack while you read this chapter https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rjnP5EVpQc&t=203s
> 
> It's gonna be a heavy read. I'm sorry.

**_Year 844_ **

****

“So, sis, did you get to read the letter I wrote you?”

They all sat on the ledge that night at the terrace on top of the headquarters which overlooked the pastures of their training grounds. The nocturne hour paved way to the gloomy and starless horizon above them, a dreary and grim eyesore of a sight that was no different from the same dark ceilings of the Underground.

They all slumped in dismay.

“I did!” Vanya replied, remembering how Isabel’s words moved the mountains in her heart when she was reading it at the bridge yesterday. “It left me in tears, I probably looked so stupid but I never felt so proud and happy. Look how far you’ve come!”

Isabel pouted. “I made you cry?”

Vanya ruffled the girl’s hair, “The good kind of cry, Isabel, don’t worry.”

“Good, because that’s the first and last time I’ll ever attempt to write to anyone, I never knew writing could be such a pain in the ass,” the girl grumbled, crossing her arms.

“Tell me about it,” Vanya said, sharing her frustration. She pinched Isabel’s cheeks fondly before looking over at Furlan who sat beside Isabel. “I read yours too, Furlan.”

“Yeah?” the man spoke, scratching his nape bashfully. “Well, I tried… It was nothing, really.”

“And I can’t thank you enough for it,” Vanya smiled delicately. “Those letters, I kept all of them every single one.”

“You did? But my writing is so shitty, it’s not worth keeping.”

“Sure, but it was the closest thing I can get to hearing your voice. Receiving your letters would always give me a reason to wake up each day.”

Furlan grinned. “And we were so ecstatic when we finally received one from you after months!”

“I’m so sorry, it took so long,” Vanya said apologetically.

“No, it’s fine! We completely understand, you were cooped up in that hospital all day,” Furlan replied. “We’ve been dying to hear from you and when you finally replied, you can’t imagine how much it made our day. Most especially this guy’s, right Levi?”

Everyone looked over at the said man who sat beside Furlan, right at the farthest end from where Vanya sat.

Levi was gazing up at the morose night sky while they were all talking. But he was listening, he was always listening. Hearing the sound of their voices together out in the open, right on the surface, was still something he didn’t think it would actually happen.

“Levi?” Vanya lightly called out from the opposite end.

“Hm,” he grunted nonchalantly without breaking his focus on the skies.

Vanya adored how gorgeous the man appeared just looking up. “I kept your letters too, Levi.”

Levi finally looked at her with astonishment written all over his face. “Why? They’re just paper, nothing special…”

“So, you didn’t keep mine then?”

Furlan and Isabel had to restrain themselves from laughing when Levi bashfully whipped his head away from all of them.

“Oh, he did,” Isabel said as cheeky as ever. “Bro, don’t you always have it in your pocket or some --”

“Okay, brat, shut the fuck up,” Levi snapped.

Vanya had never been this blissful as she witnessed her friends teasing the short man. A stream of inexplicable joy awakened inside her, lighting up the dullness of the night.

“Sis, until when will you be staying in Trost? Will you also return back to the interior by tonight?” Isabel pouted.

“I’m set to go back to Stohess tomorrow morning, I’m staying at this inn just nearby overnight so I have all this night to be with you.”

Isabel gaped. “You mean, you’re gonna see us off before we leave the Walls?”

“That’s right!” Vanya said before making an outcry of surprise when the little girl attacked her with a hug.

“Sweet! Since we have all night, Vanya, you have to tell us how you’ve been. You mentioned having a half-sister in your letter?” Furlan queried, with all heads turning to the woman, ready to hear all her tales about the life in one of the Wall’s finest districts..

Vanya then dived into recounting the events that have happened to her while she was away at Stohess. She told them about how Victoria was still horrid as always, Alice being the loveliest person she had ever met, living in a big house that was four times the size of her old house, how magnificent the neighborhood was, the meals she get to each day (while she expressed her undying love for cinnamon rolls), and learning to follow the social standards of the interior which explained why she was obliged to look differently.

Her friends proceeded to shoot her a series of questions and each one, she entertained gladly.

“Hold up, you mean your bedroom is bigger than the living room in our hideout?!”

“Yup.”

“You get to eat beef for dinner?”

“Well, every other night.”

“Why the fuck would they put milk in their tea?”

“I also wondered the same thing.”

“So am I no longer your favorite sister?”

“You’re still my favorite, no matter what happens.”

“Have you ever thought of joining that cult that’s famous in the interior?”

“Furlan, what kind of shitty question is that?”

“Ha, I have to admit, I was really interested that at one point I was tempted to join for the fun of it -- oh, stop glaring at me, Levi! I didn’t join, I swear!.”

“But Vanya, how are _you_?”

It was Furlan who asked, his face adapting a more serious aura. She was telling all of them about how amazing and heavenly her life was in Stohess, yet something along the lines made her friends doubt -- it sounded too good to be true.

While Vanya was speaking, they were all staring at the gauntness on her face, the sunken shadows under her eyes, the thinness of her wrists, how her fingers were twitching, the beads of sweat trickling down her forehead, and how she seemed to talk even faster and more breathless than she usually would.

They knew she was not telling them something.

“What do you mean? I’m fine,” Vanya said, avoiding their eyes.

Because though she had narrated all the things that happened to her in the past few months as best as she could, she also had left a few elements out of the narrative: Erwin visiting her, the countless sleepless nights, the lonely bright mornings, moments when the ghosts of her family would haunt her, days when she’s submerged in the waters of desolation and despair, vomiting, shaking, gasping for air, sobbing into pillows until her lungs hurt, and the laudanum.

She couldn’t tell them about the laudanum. _Not ever_.

And most of all, Erwin’s confession to her from earlier.

_Shit._

How will her friends respond when they find out that the man they’re tasked to kill was the same man who was practically head over heels for her? The man who promised her a stable, comfortable life, the life she had dreamt of for so long?

And what’s worse, how will they respond when they find out that there was the tiniest voice in Vanya’s headspace that was _actually_ begging her to consider Erwin’s confession?

All the shame came flooding in on her, realizing how an utter chaotic dilemma she had put herself in.

“I’m doing okay,” she said, waving her hands that looked suspicious.

Levi’s eyes sharpened. “Vanya -- “

“I brought gifts!” the woman cut him off, not wanting to dabble any further into her personal matters

The trio looked at each other apprehensively at how Vanya avoided the topic as she reached for the luggage she had brought with her to the headquarters and dug into the contents.

“Alright, Isabel, this is for you,” Vanya handed the girl a flat and round thin container she had just pulled out.

Isabel took it and scrutinized it warily. “What’s in it?”

“Open it, I’m certain you would like it.”

The girl slowly removed the lid to reveal an arrangement of decadent and rich-looking tarts.

“They’re peach tarts,” Vanya chuckled as she watched the young girl gasped, and shoved a piece into her mouth.

Isabel choked out a bittersweet cry -- a supposed testimony to how she finally discovered the love of her life: peach tarts.

“I told Alice how much you loved the peach jams and she was so thoughtful enough to send these sweets,” Vanya said, slightly fearing for her dear friend who was gobbling on the tarts piece after piece.

“Tell her I said thanks!” Isabel said through the chewed up pastries, with crumbs falling off the corners of her mouth which made Levi cringe in disgust.

“Tsk, you’re making a mess,” he scolded, clicking his tongue right after.

“Now don’t get all cranky, I’ve got something for you too,” Vanya said, tossing him the tin container of the premium tea leaves she had purchased from that quaint tea shop.

Levi unsurprisingly caught it with such ease. He rolled the container on his palm and read the label at the front. All the wrinkles in his face that delineated his grouchiness and hostility faded when he realized that it contained the rare tea leaves he would occasionally see merchants from the interior selling at the markets in Trost at an insurmountable price.

“Oy, how the fuck did you get the money to get this? This costs like a kidney and a half, why bother troubling yourself?”

He wasn’t going to lie though -- he would be the type to sell his own kidney for it.

“You don’t like it? What a pity... Furlan, could you kindly take it from him --”

Levi slapped Furlan’s hand that was about to reach for the tea leaves. “Don’t you even dare,” he hissed possessively.

“Ow! Okay, man, jeez…” the blonde man whined, rubbing his hand that was twinging in pain.

Levi brought the container to his face, eyeing it ever so suspiciously before he unscrewed the lid and sniffed the content.

_Okay, fuck, this is the good stuff right here._

“Don’t I get a _‘thank you’_?” Vanya huffed when she caught Levi tucking it away protectively.

He felt his face heating up once again, and _thank fucking God,_ it was night time or else his best friends would never relent in teasing him once they see his tomato red face.

“Thanks,” he muttered under his breath.

“Louder, please,” Vanya said in a singsong tone even though she had already heard him the first time.

“Thank… you…” Levi said whilst gritting his teeth. “Brat.”

Vanya smirked. “It would’ve been better without the ‘brat’ but since I feel kinder today, I will let you off the hook for now,”

And the last was Furlan.

“Mine better be good for me to be the last,” the blonde said, rubbing his hands together hungrily while licking his lips.

“It’s not food,” Vanya said, rummaging through her luggage. When she saw the object neatly folded inside, a rueful smile crept on her face.

“Will I like it?” Furlan asked.

The woman pulled the object out and delicately handed it to the man as if it was a fragile gift that can only be held with careful hands.

“You will love it.”

In her hands was a blanket -- no, not a blanket. A cloak. An olive green cloak.

When Furlan accepted it, he unfurled the cloth and noticed the familiar crest of the Survey Corps sewn onto the back.

“A Survey Corps cape…?” he wondered out loud, furrowing his eyebrows. “But I already have one of my own.”

“That’s not just any cape, Furlan.” Vanya took a deep breath before she shakily said, “It’s Cedric’s cape.”

The man froze.

He was instantly whisked back to a memory of a man with jet black hair and green eyes that matched Vanya’s.

First, there was a feeling of warmth glowing in his chest. Then came anger, followed by pain, and regret, until what only remained was a pool of despair drowning him further into the abyss of grief.

He still hadn’t moved on and maybe, never will.

“How did you get this?” Levi asked, astounded, as he touched the fabric. He, too, was also falling into the abyss, but not as gone as Furlan who had loved the man with all his heart.

Vanya grimaced, “That doesn’t matter.”

She had to blink persistently when Erwin’s face flashed in her head yet again, feeling flustered.

When she faced Furlan once, he remained in the same paralyzed position: petrified eyes struck with a tragedy as he shakily clutched onto Cedric’s cloak on his lap.

“Furlan…?” Vanya called out his name, gentle and fragile as if the man was made of glass.

And then, tears started trickling from the man’s eyes until it padded onto the green fabric, soaking it like rainwater from the mourning skies falling onto the green fields.

No one could speak. Everyone helplessly watched the heartbroken man falling apart as he sobbed out loud to the smoke-like clouds, praying that the Universe could listen to his cries, take pity on him and bring the love of his life back.

As Furlan heaved, choked on his own tears, and hyperventilated with all his chest, Vanya felt every painful vibration in her own heart as she stared blankly into the training fields.

She knew that if she stared at Furlan any longer, she, too, would break into tears. And she had already cried enough for the past few months, far too much tears shed and wasted until it reached it to a point wherein crying was now a meaningless chore to her.

When his cries had slightly died down until all that was left were sounds of sniffing, Vanya found the courage to speak up.

“Did you get to tell him that you love him?”

The sniffing stopped.

“No.”

She could hear his voice breaking similar to how the way his heart was shattering, sending shards that sliced through his skin. She didn’t know what to say next.

“It just… it fucking sucks to be here in the Survey Corps, you know?” Furlan ranted vehemently.

“Everywhere I go, literally _everywhere_ , I’m just reminded of his stupid face. I can’t walk these grounds without thinking that his feet walked on them too. Every time I’m in the mess hall, I’d think ‘ _This must be where Cedric ate, dranked and laughed with his comrades while we all starved in the Underground’_ , and even that damn Long Distance whatever-you-call-it Formation that we have to do during the expedition, _he_ drew it himself, and I’m just so fucking sick of it! Why does everything have to be about him?!”

He was panting, catching his breath after venting out furiously. And just when everyone thought he was done, he continued to speak but this time, his tone was beginning to crumble.

“I hear the officers speaking so highly of him, everyone loved him here for being so great, so… nice, likeable, smart that -- shit, it made me think _‘But he was a fucking annoying dumbass back when he was at the gang!’_ Why did he change into some sort of hero when he finally went on top, Vanya? Why wasn’t he that great when he was just a cowardly thug? Does that mean I wasn’t worth changing for? And yet I still loved him even though he was just a scruffy dumbass and when he changed, everyone started to love him, and that sucks! That really fucking sucks!”

He was already clenching onto the cloak to the point that his fingernails could already tear through the threads.

“He was only supposed to be mine to love… Fuck, I didn’t want anyone else to see him,” he said with a small voice. “I didn’t want to help him escape the stairwells because I knew that if he went on top, he would just leave me down there to rot forever, and I’m scared of being alone in the dump. I’d be okay dying down below as long as I have him, he’s the only good thing I ever had in that shithole.”

Furlan looked up to the skies with eyes so sore, red and all dried up.

“And now he’s gone… just like that. I never got to witness the changed and valiant Cedric everyone just wouldn’t shut up about. I never even got to say that I love him… I don’t think he’d ever love me back anyway if I did tell him.”

When he was done, he brought his knees closer to his chest as he snuggled into the cloak, breathed into it, and drowned himself into a delusion that it was Cedric’s body he was holding onto.

“Who fucking cares?”

Everyone looked up, stunned. All eyes darted at Levi who spoke up so brazenly and harshly.

Vanya gave a reproaching face at him. “Levi -- “

“Furlan, you listen to me, you shithead,” he spat frankly, ignoring the woman. “Yeah, he was different when he was done below, and even more different when he finally went on top, but who the fuck cares? Maybe he became more arrogant or impulsive, or maybe him being so nice and all cute to everyone was just a mask, I have no fucking clue but it’s his damn life if he wants to change and leave his old life and that includes how he used to act around us. Yeah, I know it sucks he didn’t change sooner when he was with us but I’d rather him die as some stupid suicidal hero than just another nameless thug who got shot in those filthy streets.”

Levi’s words didn’t really make the blonde man feel better, not even one bit. If anything, he crumpled even further into his shame, grief, and guilt.

“You what what, Furlan?” Vanya said out of nowhere. Her voice was distant and airy. “I never got to see that changed side of Cedric too, and honestly? That’s fine by me.”

Furlan was bewildered upon hearing her words.

She said, “We all have a different memory of a person that will stay with us once they’re gone. To the Survey Corps, they will always remember him as that brave man who led the brigade, but not the selfless man who shed every ounce of his energy to steal so that his family could have some something to eat when his father left them -- and that’s my personal memory of him that’s only mine to keep. There were so many times mama and I almost died with nothing to eat but Cedric would always come home with whatever scraps he was able to get. And I think that Cedric to me is as heroic as the Cedric here on top. And I know you also have a different version of him in your heart, Furlan. What memory of him do you have of him that’s only yours to remember?”

Furlan became lost in his own thoughts as he mulled over the woman’s question.

What will he always remember Cedric as?

The answer surprisingly came easier than he thought it would.

It was when he and Furlan started the gang from scratch.

They were both just hungry teenagers who happened to be stealing the same crate of food at the same time during that dark period in the grotty streets. Furlan remembered fighting for his life to get the crate but Cedric was so goddamn hard headed who didn’t want to give up.

_“My sister will die from hunger!” the 17-year-old Cedric snarled as he held onto the crate and pulled it back._

_“Well newsflash, idiot! My mother is about to die from weak bones, your stupid sister ain’t special, just let her drink your piss or something,” the same aged Furlan hissed, tugging the crate back._

_Back and forth, the crate was harshly yanked and so did their insults shooting at each other one after another._

_Just when Furlan could satisfyingly feel the other guy’s hands slipping off the box from exhaustion, they heard the familiar whistles and footsteps of the MP’s booming behind them._

_“Shit,” they both said in unison, but not without looking at each other for how synchronized they sounded._

_“Come on, I know the place to hide!” Cedric said frantically, pulling Furlan’s collar._

_“Get your hands off me! As if I would go with you!” Furlan scowled, recoiling from his hold._

_The MP’s were getting dangerously closer that if they didn’t escape right away, they’d end up having their fingernails torn off while they rot in the cells._

_Cedric cried out a groan of frustration. “What the hell, I’ve got no time for this! Just trust me if you don’t want the both of us dying in jail!”_

_The footsteps behind them grew louder, and they knew that the MP’s had already locked their target on them. It left the blonde man with no choice._

_“Ah, shit! Fine, you better not fuck with me and escape with the supplies!”_

_Cedric gave a frenzied look. “As if I can do that with your stubborn hands.”_

_They both carried the crate together as Cedric led Furlan to a series of alleyways that even the former hadn’t even gone through yet. After scurrying down the maze-like streets, they stopped right behind a ramshackled house and crouched down in the shadows._

_“Shit, where did those rats go?”_

_“I think they went that way?”_

_“Well, come on before we lose them!”_

_The pair listened to the disgruntled voices not far from them until eventually, their instincts told them that their pursuers had stupidly disappeared to the opposite direction._

_It grew dead silent, with only the sounds of their panting filling the space._

_“I think they’re gone,” Cedric whispered, peeking over the walls. When he turned back to his companion, Furlan was already hauling the crate on his own and was about to break into a run and escape from him._

_“Oh no, you won’t!” Cedric screamed, dashing to Furlan and tackling the blonde man to the ground._

_Furlan made gurgling noises of anger and irritation when Cedric pinned his arms and sat on his stomach to keep him from moving. He struggled against the dark-haired man’s weight, shooting him a lethal glare._

_“So you’re the one who was going to fuck with me and escape,” Cedric smirked, more enticed than betrayed. “Is that your way of thanking the man who just saved you?”_

_“Oh, shut up!” Furlan spat at his face until it dawned on him how compromising their position looked. Plus, the man straddling him had a handsome face with the brightest green eyes he had ever seen._

_Furlan blushed._

_“Is that a cut on your face?” Cedric asked, his hands that were pinning Furlan’s arms loosened. There was a small open wound right where his left temple was. The blood was all dried up, but nonetheless, it was still a fresh cut. How the man acquired it was still up for debate._

_“Yeah, so what? Now get off me!”_

_Cedric obeyed, standing up defeatedly. He offered his hand to Furlan who was still lying on the ground. But the former didn’t accept it, opting to stand up on his own._

_Cedric sighed at his stubbornness, “Here, have this.”_

_He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small tin container no bigger than the size of his palm. He tossed it to Furlan, who clumsily caught it._

_“What’s this?” Furlan asked, turning the lid to see a murky yellow paste._

_“Turmeric paste. Put it on your wound and it’ll heal faster. My sister makes this stuff all the time, she’s an aspiring medic.”_

_“How the fuck am I supposed to use it when it smells like shit?” Furlan demanded after pulling a face of disgust after taking a whiff of the ghastly content. “Are you sure this ain’t poison?”_

_“Say whatever you want to say, man. Just don’t come complaining to me when you die of infection.” Cedric pivoted, and began to walk away._

_“H-hey, where are you going?!” Furlan shouted incredulously. “Aren’t you going to fight me for the supplies?”_

_“It’s all yours,” the man said over his shoulder, drawing farther away._

_Furlan ran to the man and yanked his shoulder back. “But why?”_

_“I can already guess your mom doesn’t have any more time left. No one gets better once their bones fail,” Cedric said, slightly taken aback at how the man was stopping him. “Just have the supplies, man. She needs it more, feed her so that you can at least extend whatever time you have left with her. I’ll just find something else for my sister.”_

_Furlan was completely gobsmacked. His brain was turning wheels, trying to make sense as to why this stranger was being so kind to him._

_It was wrecking Furlan’s ego, bit by bit. Well, shit._

_Cedric was about to walk away once more when Furlan held him back._

_“Wait, let’s divide it.”_

_Cedric looked back, astonished. “No, you have it --”_

_“It’s the least I can do for your sister,” Furlan replied, waving the container of the turmeric paste._

_For a moment, there was an air of hesitation and doubt. But when Cedric took a good look at the man’s shy and avoidant eyes, he couldn’t resist himself from caving in._

_“Alright.”_

_And that day marked the first time Cedric ever shined a smile at the speechless and stubborn man in front of him._

_The day Furlan knew he was about to be a goner for the man with a beautiful smile and bright green eyes._

No sooner, they learned each other’s names, realized that they shared the same degree of hardheadedness, and eventually formed an inseparable pact because why the hell not? They were two peas in a pod yet they clashed like fire and ice. But somehow, they made it work. They always did.

The Universe aligned their stars after all.

The rest was history in which one significant point in the timeline included the pair stumbling upon a short, hungry ravenette who had nowhere else to go after having finished beating up a group of men while watching the man he didn’t know was his uncle walk away.

The process repeated: Learned each other’s names, realized that hey, this man was stubborn too (though a hundred times more), and eventually the pair became a trio until their pact grew into a gang of at least twenty men.

It was the start of a small yet unforgettable moment in the grand scheme of things. What was now a notorious and most feared gang actually began with a puny tug-of-war over a crate of supplies between two starving teenagers.

And it was the memory of Cedric that was going to stay with Furlan until his last breath. With that one kind smile alone, launched the thousands of days in their glorious time together in the hideout.

_“Alright.”_

Furlan shut his eyes as Cedric’s voice echoed in his mind whilst wrapping the cloak around him in hopes to preserve whatever remnants Cedric left into the cape.

“As long as there’s a piece of memory of him living in us, Cedric isn’t dead,” Vanya said with nostalgia.

Meanwhile, Isabel made a grumpy huff. “Man, I wish I met that bloke. I can’t relate to any of you at all.”

They all chuckled quietly at the girl’s attempt at comic relief. The sullen atmosphere diffused that even Furlan heard himself also chuckling along,

“You would’ve loved him, Isabel,” Furlan sighed longingly.

Isabel perked up. “Really? What was he actually like?”

“Just another shitty brat like you. You two would’ve gotten along,” Levi gruffed but he was hiding a faint smile for he knew what he said was true.

Cedric never failed to get along with everyone, just like his little sister.

“The kindest and most selfless man you’ll ever meet,” Vanya said to the winds. She faced Furlan who was now looking far ahead across the valley. “Right, Furlan?”

He smiled to himself, reliving the memory into his mind for him to eternally keep.

“Yeah, yeah he was.”

They all savored the quietude that came after that. Each and every one of them indulged in the serenity and the belongingness they were feeling with each other’s presences. They wished it would stay like this forever.

“Tsk, do you really have to let the entire humanity know that you’re chewing?”

Levi shot a dead look at Isabel who was nibbling on her last peach tart so loudly.

“Heh, sorry, bro! It’s just too good,” the girl said sheepishly. “Do you still have more, sis?”

“I think I do remember carrying another container,” Vanya hummed before reaching into her bag once again.

Her hands raked through the clothes and the other necessities she had packed with her until her fingers felt the cold metal surface from the bottom most.

“Ah!” she exclaimed triumphantly before recklessly pulling it out.

Except, when she pulled out the container, it dragged along the sleeves of her extra dress, which then ultimately made the other objects in her bag spill out.

One by one, her toothbrush, hairbrush, stockings, gloves and all other folded garments and tools dropped and scattered all over the floor of the terrace.

But when Isabel caught a sight of a small glass bottle about to fall out at the opening of the bag, her reflexes acted, quickly swooping her hands right in and catching the bottle right before it could shatter on the ground.

“Oy!” Levi sneered from the other end. “To think that you’re still as clumsy as ever for someone who now lives in the interior.”

“You’re not helping at all,” Vanya groaned as she knelt on the ground, picked up all her belongings, and carelessly threw it back inside the bag.

Isabel looked down at the bottle in her hand and curiously read the label out loud.

“ _Mother… Bailey’s... Quieting... Syrup._ ”

Everyone’s heads whipped to the girl’s direction.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

“Wait, isn’t that...?” Furlan asked, appalled.

Vanya swiftly scampered onto her feet with a horrified expression. “That’s mine!”

She was about to stomp towards Isabel and grab for the laudanum but Furlan had already snatched it from Isabel, who looked so clueless about the tincture she just held.

“Vanya, this is…” Furlan said in a low voice as he stared at the bottle with a face so unreadable. “Why -- why do you have this?”

The woman in question suddenly lost her will to speak. She was now shaking, her knees on the verge of buckling from how intensely she was trembling.

“I…” she choked out but gulped the words right back in.

And when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, Levi, who was silent all along, took the bottle from Furlan so calmly and bore a face that was even more indecipherable.

It was terrifying.

There were so many times Vanya could never interpret the man’s face. But this time, it was different. On the outside, he looked composed with his metallic eyes looking so bored. But inside, she could feel his blood seething.

It was the kind of anger that was the deadliest when silent. The kind that was rumbling, building up, just waiting for the perfect moment to erupt.

It was the same kind of anger the first time Levi had shouted at her for being such a burden.

“Do you have any idea what this is?!” Furlan demanded out loud.

Vanya flinched at his voice as she felt her entire body shrinking. Furlan had never raised his voice at her before for he was always the calm and patient friend who would rarely lose his temper.

Until now.

“This is opium, Vanya! _Opium!_ This is the same shit Luis had been hiding under the sink back in the hideout!” Furlan’s voice stabbed her like millions of knives.

She remembered it. She remembered it so well when one gang member was so deep into his addiction that she even scolded him to knock some sense into him.

 _She_ scolded him.

And look where she is now.

“Just… give it back to me,” Vanya stepped towards Levi, thinking she had a chance to even get it back from him.

But it was too late.

Levi pulled his arm back before throwing the bottle away, sending it across the training field before the sound of glass shattering on the pavement disrupted the silence of the night.

Vanya screeched out in horror, “No!”

She removed the cap on her head out of frustration and angrily ruffled her bangs. She then hid her face with her hands, attempting to calm her temper down.

“Vanya.”

Levi’s cold voice sent chills down to the very marrows of her bones.

She reluctantly looked up to meet his face, bracing herself to witness the impending fury that was about to explode at her.

But when she met his eyes, they were… delicate. Gentle. Understanding.

What were once the icy grey eyes were now a soft pool of mist and empathy.

“Why?” he asked so lightly yet her chest felt so heavy.

Her teeth dug into her chapped lips as she took in the faces of her friends. There was a look of confusion on Isabel’s, betrayal on Furlan’s, but with Levi, she couldn’t tell. She guessed it could be disappointment or pity from his frown or the sadness in his eyes.

“Fine. You really wanna know why?” Vanya’s nose flared as she glared at all of them.

_I’m done pretending._

“I’m not happy back in Stohess! My life there is absolute torture and hell! There, I freaking said it, are you all happy now, huh?!”

She was vibrating. Convulsed and intoxicated with the poison of her rage. Her voice ravaged what used to be a joyful and peaceful night as her chest rose and fell with every rhythm of her heavy breathing. Her knuckles were now white from how tight she was clenching it, her head was beginning to pound, and she felt the build up of bile in her esophagus.

And yet, she had never felt so alive. Why did being angry feel so good?

The three soldiers fearfully watched their friend overcome by her brokenness and wrath.

“E-everyday, I wake up thinking I would be better off dead instead of living my days like a walking cadaver,” Vanya cackled joylessly that Isabel flinched at how damaged the woman sounded.

“One by one, all the people I love have left me behind and I can’t… I can’t take it anymore! I’m so done -- _so so so done_ with all the crying, the mourning, being so worthless and weak! I am done feeling all this crap that I’d rather just die than feel anything at all!”

Her tone waned down like the comedown of a storm, the waves receding from the shores right after the moon had sunken as gravity pulled her emotions along.

“But even when I’m numb... all the more I can feel everything haunting me…”

She sighed so deeply like the gust of wind blowing over the dead meadows. “Reading your letters is the only thing that can make me feel alive -- the only time I can ever feel something _so good_. But even as I read them, all the more I feel so weak... Do you know why that is?”

Furlan, Levi, and Isabel only looked up at her wordlessly, too afraid that a word they’d utter would potentially break her. Even if there was nothing else to break when all that was left of Vanya were broken shards of what used to be her, waiting to be pieced together again.

“Because whenever I read the letters and imagine all the times you’re here in the Scouts, I get reminded of how useless I am. You are all doing something so remarkable here just like what Cedric did when he was alive while here I am, all cooped in that suffocating mansion, learning how to sit straight and hold a goddamn teacup when I should be learning how to properly cure people! How am I supposed to contend with that?”

Vanya raked her hand through her bangs, feeling all too tired after the amount of words she had just spewed.

“How am I supposed to live with that…?” her voice lingered feebly into the air.

Now, the space was drowning in the cold and sinister stillness. Furlan’s head dropped, immensely ashamed for raising his voice at her earlier. Levi carried the same blankness in his façade yet he felt the weight of his urgency to catch Vanya in his arms, engulf her into his arms, and take away all her pain.

But Isabel stood up boldly.

Her baby face puckered with tenacity when she spoke up bravely.

“Who the hell told you we left you behind?!”

Her teensy voice stunned everyone with such power and aggression that even Vanya winced at her tone.

“We never left, sis, and never will we ever do it. You know why? **Because we love you!** No matter how far apart we are, no matter who you will ever be, or what you do, we will always, _always_ , stay by your side because _goddammit_ , we love you and nothing could ever change that!”

Isabel’s words pierced the air, right through the very eye of the hurricane in Vanya’s swirling anguish.

 _Love…_ Vanya echoed the world in her head as if it was a kind stranger knocking at her door, waiting for her to let them in.

She felt her tears running down her cheeks as she repeated the word in her head.

_Love. Love. Love._

Furlan also stood up with the same resoluteness as Isabel.

“Once we’re done with this expedition, we will quit the Survey Corps, barge into Wall Sina, take you away with us, and we will live somewhere far away in a house much bigger than the mansion you live in. And then, we’ll just do whatever the hell we want, be it growing a farm, opening a tea shop, or we’ll just lie around all day, I don’t care. As long as we stay _together_.”

Vanya could feel her lips stretching though the tears in her eyes didn’t stop falling.

And finally, Levi stood up.

“ _Trust that I will fight for my life until my bones are better,_ ” he started with sleek eyes shining in the dark. “ _But even then, I won't stop fighting…_ Remember that? That’s what you wrote to me in your letter. Or maybe you have already forgotten.”

Vanya was baffled at how he accurately remembered her words. But little did she know that he had actually memorized every word in that letter by heart.

“You’re a fighter, right? Then own those words. Fight like you mean it, brat,” Levi said, slowly inching closer to her. “I don’t care if you stumble or feel like absolute shit, I want you to fight and stay alive because _goddammit_ , you’re not weak nor useless! What we do here in the Scouts is _our_ battlefield, and you have your own battlefield to deal with so you stay there, stop comparing it to the battles we fight, fight in your battlefield, and win. You fucking make sure you win, I can’t have you dying on me, I swear to God, I will dig up your grave, follow you to hell and yank your stupid hair back to the earth. No matter how empty or how much it hurts to live, just fight and _don’t die_.”

He was already grabbing both of her shoulders as he spat those words in her face.

He was desperate. He was begging. No longer caring how aggressive he was shaking her shoulders to knock the truth into her head because he _needed_ her alive. The moment when the words, ‘ _I’d rather just die’_ , escaped Vanya’s mouth, he felt everything inside him collapse.

Because he wouldn’t know what to do if the world lost her.

“But even when it hurts too much to fight any longer, then I will continue the fight for you. And I’ll make sure I’ll win it.”

His hands had already left her shoulders and had taken its place on her cheeks as he cupped her face. His thumb wiped away all the tear stains while his forehead pressed against her own ones.

The whole gesture was highly reminiscent of that time when Levi had tried to calm her down during her first attack on the first at the hospital. Their foreheads kissing, his hands protecting her face, eyes staring deeply into each other, and his lips so close. So achingly close.

“We’ll win the fight together, Vanya,” he whispered, his breath tempting her lips.

Their eyes found each other and wrestled against one another with such intensity and electricity. Vanya thought how his eyes alone can render her drunk and euphoric more than what effect the laudanum can make her feel.

Suddenly, the night lit up when the skies above them parted. They broke their gazes from each other and looked up to see the most spectacular sight they have ever beheld.

The full moon stood rising against a black, navy blue ocean of stars scintillating and bejeweling the horizon. It took Vanya’s breath away as she walked away from Levi and stood at the edge of the terrace.

If there’s one word that can ever describe the moment as she gazed up at the skies, it was Freedom. Right there. Up above. Unreachable yet beautiful. But she didn’t give a damn anymore if Freedom was unattainable. Because she will fight. No matter how unwinnable the fight seems, she will still stand up, walk even if her feet will bleed, reach out even if her hands were numb, and win.

Vanya felt someone wrap their arms around her waist from behind and when she looked over, she saw that it was Isabel. The girl laid her chin on the woman’s shoulder and gazed up at the stars from that position. Seconds later, Furlan and Levi joined them, with each man standing on each side as they admired the skies with her.

“Wow…” Isabel ogled, digging her chin on Vanya’s shoulder. “It’s really different from what we would always see from the Underground.”

“Indeed… No more caves, just an endless horizon,” Furlan said poignantly.

Levi sighed in content. “Yeah…”

At the spur of the moment, a jet of starlight came streaming across the expanse but it was gone before they could even point at it.

And Vanya closed her eyes. She basked in the feeling of Isabel’s arms around her, the presence of Levi and Furlan at her sizes, the cool winds brushing their faces and drying her tears, and the tranquility of the night.

She whispered clandestinely to the stars. Sharing her secrets, her gratitude, all the pain, her wishes, dreams and her promises. Each one she burned as an offering in hopes that the Universe would listen to her pleas.

Thus, on the first night of September in the year 844, Vanya Ronan learned how to pray to the stars when she whispered her first ever song to the galaxies.

 _“Bring them home to me…_ ”

~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Vanya stood waiting in front of the gates of the headquarters. Trost was even livelier with more civilians filling up the streets with disdain etched on their faces for they knew that the _day_ had finally come. It was all over the newspapers, in the exorbitant taxes they paid, and the sight of the Scouts readying their horses as they walked out of the gates one by one.

It was the day of the expedition, the day she had been dreading for months. She clutched the straps of her luggage, not realizing how her hands were trembling.

 _Stop it, Vanya. They’re going to come back_.

“Vanya.”

The woman looked up to see Erwin Smith approaching her while he pulled his horse along with him. He was in his uniform and fully equipped with his gears, ready for battle, ready to witness another number of deaths.

She felt the trembling in her hands worsening.

“G-good morning, Erwin,” Vanya forced a smile, which the man didn’t fail to notice.

“I just want to inform you that I placed your friends at the relay section of the formation. They shouldn’t be encountering any Titan at the position.”

A tiny wave of relief washed over her, though it wasn’t enough to appease her anxiety. “Thank you, Erwin…”

He laid a hand on her shoulder, a gesture he had already been so comfortable and familiar of doing. “Vanya, you have to believe in them. They’re the strongest recruits I’ve ever come across, you have no reason to doubt their strength.”

Vanya pursed her lips, not entirely feeling a sense of reassurance from his words. But when his cerulean eyes glimmered fiercely, and his hand tenderly held his shoulder, she knew she could never question how the man would keep his promise to her.

“And you? You will be safe, right?” she asked nervously.

“I have to be,” he replied, giving a small smile despite the uncertainties. “I still intend to live the day I get to hear your answer.”

Vanya’s face warmed up, looking away from him shyly. She could already see the other Scouts filling the streets of Trost with their horses and wagons of supplies though she hadn’t caught sight of her three best friends.

“Vanya, look at me,” she heard him say affectionately.

Vanya slowly craned her head towards him to see the same loving face he had flashed at her when he had confessed to her the previous day.

Erwin warily looked around his surroundings, surveying if anyone was watching them. When he saw that everyone else was preoccupied with the preparations, and conducting damage control as they tried to tame the growing and hateful crowd, he grabbed her hand, and kissed it chastely.

It never failed to make the woman feel flustered as he let go.

“AHA! I SAW THAT!”

They whipped their heads in panic to see Hange standing behind them with a crazed look in their eyes.

“You saw nothing,” Erwin said dryly, clearing his throat before he turned back to Vanya. “I’ll see you soon,” he said before giving one last hold on her shoulder, and walked away with his horse.

Hange’s eyebrows were practically dancing as they skipped towards Vanya, who looked like her face was sunburnt with all the embarrassment.

“So, you two _are_ a thing, sweet cheeks!” they said giddily, adjusting their goggles.

“Oh, stop it, Hange,” Vanya grumbled begrudgingly.

Hange snickered. “So, it’s true then?”

_No? Yes? Not yet? Maybe? Soon? Never?_

Vanya hadn’t actually thought over her answer, and she knew how stupid it was for it was just going to prolong her agony.

“I can’t tell you yet,” she muttered.

The vagueness of her answer only made Hange more energized. “Ooooh! How exciting!”

“Whatever,” Vanya muttered whilst she muffled a grin, thinking how it felt nice conversing with the scientist so comfortably like this.

“By the way, Vanya, I must tell you something,” Hange said, shifting to a more serious tone.

“What is it?”

They sighed with a breath that didn’t bode well. “If I were you, I’d already say my last words to my friends on their first expedition.”

Vanya felt an ominous downfall in her insides. “What do you mean?”

“You know very well what I mean,” Hange frowned. “Recruits don’t usually survive during the first expedition.”

“And you were once a recruit too, Hange,” she snapped, unintentionally harsh. “And look at you now. You’re still alive.”

Hange grimaced. “That may be true… But, you just never know.”

At that moment, the recruits had stepped out of the gates and at the front were Levi, Furlan, and Isabel pulling their horses along the street.

“Go to them, Vanya. Before it’s too late.”

She didn’t need to be told twice. Vanya nodded at Hange before she ran to her friends.

When the trio saw Vanya approaching them, they waved at her.

“Why the sad look, sis?” Isabel pouted when Vanya stood in front of them with crestfallen eyes.

“I… I’m just gonna miss you, that’s all,” Vanya tried her best to sound optimistic yet for some reason, she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. Something unnameable was gnawing on her and now, she could no longer keep still.

Furlan shot her a toothy smile. “We'll be back before you know it, we promise!”

 _Promise_. There was that evil, temptress of a word once again.

“Oy, stop frowning. It looks ugly on you,” Levi gruffly said.

Vanya knew it was his lousy attempt at cheering her up, and weirdly enough, it would always work. But sadly, this day was an exception.

“Just do me a favor and let me speak to each one of you,” Vanya shakily said before she grabbed Isabel’s hands to start with her.

“Isabel, I --”

“Yeah, yeah, sis, I know what you’re going to say... How far I’ve come, how you’re so proud of me, yada yada. I already know that!” the girl sniggered. “I’ll be fine, I swear.”

“I wasn’t going to say that, actually.” Vanya shook her head, giving a rueful smile. “Though I am proud of you. I always am.”

Isabel blinked, puzzled. “Then what is it?”

“I realized that I never got to write back to the very first letter you wrote to me. So, I’m just going to say it right here, right now instead,” Vanya said, securing her hold on the girl’s hand before she took a deep breath.

“You know, Isabel, you were one of the best things that ever crashed in my life. You were just a scared girl whom I stumbled upon, not knowing that you were going to bring so much joy in my life. And I’m just… beyond grateful. So grateful. I can’t even describe how happy you made me feel. I don’t why but I feel like I just need you to know that, just so that you have something to carry with you once you go beyond the Walls,” she chuckled.

“You’re saying a lot of words right now and I worry that it might slow me and my horse down,” Isabel retorted. “I’m kidding, sis… thank you for telling me.”

“Oh shut up, and just listen to me,” Vanya rolled her eyes, making the other girl laugh before turning serious again.

“Yeah, you caught me, Isabel. I was going to say how proud I am of you. But it’s because I know you’ll be spreading your wings once you’re out there. I know how much you love to fly, it’s all in your eyes. It’s what you’re meant to do. So do me a favour and make sure you fly high for me. Fly until you reach the clouds, until you’re one with the birds, fly until you’re free, and then once you’re up there, make sure you call my name and I’ll be right here on the ground, listening and waving at you.”

Vanya tucked a stray hair behind the girl’s ear. Isabel held her breath.

“And since, I’m saying a letter, of course I must sign it,” the woman joked. “ _Love, Sis. PS, there’ll be more peach tarts waiting for you when you get home._ ”

Isabel became quiet. The vitality in her eyes remained, swirling with shades of wonder and awe at the woman’s words.

And then, Isabel surprised Vanya with a hug.

But this hug was different -- Vanya could feel how different it felt.

It was a hug that felt more relieving -- liberating. Like a breath of fresh air, a promise of new beginnings. A vow to take flight. A covenant her love.

A first and last farewell.

As Isabel nuzzled into Vanya’s neck, she whispered, “I will, sis. I will fly high for you.”

The woman planted a kiss on the crown of the girl’s head before they pulled away.

“Hi,” murmured Furlan when Vanya walked to him.

“Hey,” she chuckled, reaching onto his uniform and adjusting the hood of his cape. “I can’t get over how you look so fine in this uniform.”

“It’s Cedric’s cape.”

Her fingers stopped working.

“Really?” she asked, her hands began to glide down along the cloth. The cloak looked like it belonged to him, the same way how his heart would always belong with her brother’s.

“I want to carry a piece of him while I fight out there,” Furlan mumbled, his eyes falling onto the ground. “I can just imagine how cool he must have looked killing Titans in this. And I guess wearing this makes me feel like I’m borrowing his strength, knowing how many battles he had won while he was using this cape.”

Vanya raised his chin so that she could look him in the eyes. “I know he’s proud of you, Furlan. He’s probably watching you right now from above, smiling.”

Furlan looked up at the clouds above him, imagining that somewhere among those clouds was Cedric guiding me wherever Furlan went. “Yeah… I know he is.”

When he faced Vanya again, his face fell in guilt. “I’m sorry for raising my voice at you last night.”

Vanya’s eyes softened. “No, it’s okay… I needed to hear that.”

“I just… It just scares whenever you feel so down and alone. It hurts everywhere seeing you like that.”

“But I’m no longer down and alone,” she said with a shake of her head in reassurance. “When you told me that you were going to take me away so that we can live somewhere far away and live together, it gave me so much hope and purpose. And I will hold onto the hope, Furlan. I will wait for you in Stohess, alright? You better surprise me.”

“Oh, I will. I will make sure I make an entrance and scare the shit out of Victoria,” he laughed and so did she.

When their laughter faded away, Vanya murmured, “Come here…”

When they embraced each other, Furlan’s tall height allowed him to bury his nose into her hair while Vanya pressed his cheek onto his chest.

To think that this was the man who didn’t want to let her join the gang the first time she asked. And now, here they were, not wanting to let each other go.

Vanya looked up at him, stepped onto her tiptoes and kissed his forehead.

A delicate smile carved onto the man’s face before they slid themselves away from each other.

When Vanya faced the last person among the three, the man was still bearing the same bored expression that never seemed to end.

“Didn’t I tell you in my letter to smile more?” she teased.

But the man didn’t so much as change his face.

“Where’s my handkerchief? You’re supposed to give it back to me.”

Vanya tilted her head mockingly. She dug into her pocket and pulled out the very white cloth that had saved her endless times from succumbing into her insanity.

“You mean this?” she waved it playfully.

“Hand it over, you brat,” he groaned, reaching out when she tucked it back into her pocket.

“No way, I’m giving it back,” she said, poking out her tongue immaturely. “It’s mine now.”

He glowered at her. “If that’s the case, you have to give me something in exchange.”

“I gave you the most expensive tea leaves in Stohess.”

“No, I want something else other than that,” he challenged with a smirk.

Vanya rolled her eyes, much to her chagrin. “Fine, hold on.”

She opened her bag and rummaged through the content for a few moments before she pulled out a white cloth.

This caused one of Levi’s eyebrows to raise in curiosity.

She then walked closer to him, and tucked the cloth at the front of his neck right below his chin. Levi held his breath from how close she was yet she looked so unbothered. She even hummed as she fixed the cloth while he observed her fingers work so smoothly and caringly like watching her playing the harp.

When she was done, she stepped back and assessed his appearance.

“There, now you look handsome.”

Levi looked down and saw what she had meticulously put on him.

A cravat.

“This shit’s unnecessary, what would I need this for?”

She shrugged. “Nothing. It’s how men in the interior wear it and I figured it would also look good on you.”

He deadpanned. “But I’m nothing like those pigs.”

“Yeah, I know. But you have to admit, it looks nice for a change,” she grinned.

Levi stood there for a moment, marveling at her face.

He would never ever get tired looking at it.

Vanya was about to step up front and swoop right in for a hug just like what she did with the rest when the man had already beat him to it.

Levi took her in his arms so instinctively as if he was born to do it, stunning her.

The woman didn’t even think a second thought before she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tighter.

 _Maybe this is what heaven feels like in case I get swallowed by a Titan_. Levi randomly thought.

“Hey Levi?”

“Hm?”

She brought her lips to his ears.

“C-come back to me, okay?”

Levi heard himself sucking in a breath of tension. The crack in her voice caused a spur in his chest.

“I need you to come home. Bring Furlan and Isabel with you. Could you do that?” she whispered as she fiddled with his hair endearingly. “Just… c-come back.”

Levi dug his face into her neck, breathing in her floral scent one last time.

“We will…”

Instead of hearing a ‘thank you’ from the woman, he received something much more heartfelt.

A feathery kiss to his cheek.

His mind stopped running, blank and static. A fiery spark, an electric shock winding -- the cadence of his heartbeat climaxed.

It hurt when Vanya separated from the man with timid green eyes, looking away from him.

And at the periphery of her vision, she saw Erwin mounted on his horse, watching them from afar. She instantly averted her gaze before she could even read his face.

But she completely missed how Levi and Erwin caught each other’s eyes, spiteful and vindictive.

They were interrupted by the sound of the commander, Keith Shadis, shouting at the front lines for soldiers to prepare themselves for departure.

It was time.

Vanya sluggishly stepped aside as her friends gravely exhaled before they all mounted their horses.

She looked up at them from where she stood as she admired them one last time, like a viewer beholding a mesmerizing painting.

Against the deep blue skies, Isabel’s auburn hair blazed as fervent as the grin she wore, ready to conquer the skies as a fiery phoenix. Furlan had never looked so gallant with Cedric’s cloak that swept behind him like a pair of wings. And lastly, there was Levi who almost resembled a prince with the cravat on his neck, and his aura so regal and mighty.

It was a Yellow kind of day, indeed.

“Hey sis,” Isabel called out over her shoulder.

“Yeah?” Vanya answered, anticipating.

Their horses were now slowly trotting forward as the brigade was beginning to advance down the streets at slow pace. Vanya let her feet move by itself as she steadily followed behind. 

Isabel mischievously smirked. “Wait for us, okay?”

Vanya grinned with her heart so full. “I will.”

Their horses were beginning to gain speed -- and so did she.

Levi was surprised she was still running after them, chasing them even if her legs were already throbbing with soreness.

“Oy, brat, you’ll trip!” he shouted as he looked over in panic.

But Vanya didn’t care.

If there was one absolute truth in this world, it was the fact that she would follow them wherever they go. Until the ends of the earth and the great altitudes of the horizon, Vanya’s heart will always be there pursuing them.

Even if she’d stumble and fall, she’ll always stand and continue the fight.

The citizens observed her with scornful looks as if she was a mad woman pushing through the dissipating crowd.

She ran and ran, gasping in the air of Freedom.

They were now approaching the gates of Trost.

It was right then did Furlan look over his shoulder and hollered at her.

“We’ll see you soon, yeah?!”

The gates opened, the battalion poured out looking onwards while the three recruits from the Underground remained their focus backwards at their dear friend who had already stopped running.

Vanya stood still as she watched them like they were a flock of birds soaring high away from her, taking on the world.

And they were gone.

“I’ll see you soon...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'(


	28. Under the Light, Part 9: Love Or Prospect?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another last chill chapter with a dash of political commentary, and a few wisdom taken from "Little Women" and "Before Sunset".

**_Year 844_ **

“In two weeks time, I will have you sent to the Royal Capital for you to formally begin with your medical education.”

Vanya almost choked on her tea the moment those words flew out of Victoria’s mouth.

“A-are you serious?” the young woman managed to spurt as she cleared her throat.

Victoria glared at her dismissively at her misconduct at table manners. “Young lady, does it appear to you that I am in a disposition to ever humor you at such an ungodly hour?”

To be fair, no matter what hour it was in the day, Vanya didn’t think the old woman would ever be in the mood for humor.

“She was just asking, mother. No harm in that,” Alice muttered to her annoyance before sipping her tea.

The three women lounged in the drawing room, having their morning tea and apparently, it was a customary activity after breakfast for the rich. Skipping it was considered to be unequivocally unspeakable despite the fact that the activity itself was anything but delectable. In a few occasions, tea time won’t be tea time without Vanya being amused by the constant exchange of banters between the mother and the daughter as she sits back and watches. But in most cases, morning tea was always the opportunity wherein Victoria would hound the poor girl for her poor posture and indolence. During such, Vanya would always grudgingly whisper her profanities to her tea.

But this time, the girl couldn’t find it in her to speak ill of Victoria right after the announcement the old woman had disclosed.

“What happens to me by then?” Vanya gaped, still awestruck from the news.

“Close your mouth first, you are not a fish.”

Miraculously, the girl eagerly obeyed.

The corners of Victoria’s mouth curved approvingly. “Once you arrive at Mitras, you are to settle there at an apartment throughout your duration at the university. I surmise that to be of three to four years, depending if the academe deems you fit. After you have accomplished that, you are to continue training under my supervision at my hospital here in Stohess.”

Vanya’s cheeks were almost twinging from how wide her grin stretched across her lit face. Because this was it. This was finally it. All her hard work, the painstaking times learning how to brew herbal remedies with her father, the restless days she had to bustle from house to house as a fledgling medic -- all of it reduced to this single moment that could ultimately change the course of her life.

But the radiance all over her face soon whittled away when skepticism took over.

“But… why?” Vanya asked, directing her suspicions towards the directress.

Victoria asked back flatly, “What do you mean _why_? You dare question my decision? Is not attending university what you have always desired?”

The young woman huffed, “I’ve always thought I was unworthy in your eyes for you to send me to Mitras.’

“And still, you are. You have yet to show me that you are capable enough to stand on your own amongst the other aspiring doctors,” Victoria criticized sardonically. She took a quick sip of her tea before she continued, “But then again, I don’t think there is anyone out there who can truly tell if anyone is worthy…”

Vanya watched Victoria gazing out the windows with a contemplative expression.

“Besides, I believe Edward has already fulfilled his duty in molding you into a competent woman that withholding you any further into this house would waste your potential. Though I will always have my doubts of where his loyalty lies, I would never question his brilliance in his passion that he had passed onto you,” Victoria said with her attention still on the view outside.

Autumn had finally visited the district when she saw that the sun’s glare didn’t seem as scalding as it used to be.

For a split second, Vanya thought how bittersweet, mournful, and fragile Victoria seemed in that position. Even Alice was astonished to see her own mother showing this particular side of hers.

_Huh, I never knew she could look like a mother and a wife who actually cares._

But it all disintegrated when the directress snapped her head back to Vanya with her typical petulant look.

“That is why you have no excuse to fail me for I will be generously shedding my investments on you. You bear the name of the man who has done revolutionary medical contributions within these Walls, and I expect no less from you. You must excel in your studies, and commit to secure the integrity of our name at all cost. And most of all, never show your weaknesses to your peers. Once you are in medical school, everyone else is a competitor who will stop at nothing to trample you and make a name for themselves -- no one is a friend. That is why you make sure you work hard not to be fooled by their pleasantries, climb the ranks, and prove to everyone from high social statuses that your history in the Underground does by no means hinder your capabilities and define your worth. Do you understand, young lady?”

Vanya could curse, and proudly declare to the world her indignation for Victoria all she wanted but she would never deny how this woman could ever ignite the fuel in her to aspire to be someone that is far greater and more powerful than who she was now. It was carved all over Victoria’s piercing eyes, and her pronouncements so bureaucratic and forthright that Vanya wished she had the same conviction and splendor.

“I understand,” Vanya responded firmly, leveraged by Victoria’s unassailable spirits. She then rose from her seat as she regarded the directress with fervor. “I’ll make certain that every coin you spend on me will all pay off until it is no longer my father’s name that this land will laud but mine.”

Upon declaring those words, Victoria smirked in amusement.

But the girl didn’t stop for nothing can spur her pride than seeing the old hag’s smugness. “One day, you’ll see, and I know you will, that I’ll be one of the greatest doctors you’ll ever see in your lifetime. And I swear by the Walls that you won’t forget this day, the day when you made your decision of entrusting me will be the memory you will always look back to before you die. Just watch me, Victoria. You’ll see.”

Vanya didn’t realize how she was already speaking so aggressively yet indomitably until she finished with a series of exhausted breaths and frantic pulsations from her lungs and heart. But she couldn’t lie -- it felt _glorious_ speaking up to the insufferable woman who did nothing but humiliate and patronize her for the past few months.

It was then did Vanya understand what Levi meant when he said that she had her own battlefield to fight in. She may not aspire to combat Titans head on beyond the Walls but she damn well knew in her heart that her arena was filled, not with severed limbs of the Titans, but with unfortunate civilians struck with injuries and illnesses, waiting to be healed by her hands and dexterity. This was her fight -- and she will win it.

When she glanced at Victoria, she was expecting an eruption of sermons, reproaching the young girl for raising her voice over tea or the fact that she even had the guts to speak up audaciously out of turn.

But Victoria didn’t do anything of the like. Instead, the wise and unflinching woman turned her gaze back to the view outside the window with a face so peaceful and relieved.

“Then, I rest my case,” Victoria said serenely. That was it.

Vanya swore she almost saw a fraction of a wrinkled smile.

It was enough to make her sit back down, brimming with a sense of satisfaction and victory. She grinned to herself before taking a sip of her now cold tea.

Alice blinked at her in amazement after having witnessed what just happened.

“My, that was something else!” the dressmaker whispered skittishly at her younger sister. “I’ve never seen my mother so… tamed.”

They both warily glanced at the said mother sitting idly in front of them. Victoria appeared to have detached herself from the two prying ladies as she drank her tea with a nebulous void in her eyes, seemingly brooding over a distant memory at the recess of her mind.

Whatever Vanya had said must have gotten into the woman’s head for her to act so aloof and disconnected.

“You seem to be in a delightful mood this morning, I’ve noticed,” Alice remarked as she switched her attention back to Vanya. “And you _hate_ morning tea time.”

“I do,” Vanya shrugged but behind her teacup, she was hiding a coy smile.

The older sister hummed guessingly, “I assume that you enjoyed your visit at the Scouts’ headquarters yesterday?”

Like a flower blossoming during the spring’s awakening, a dainty smile bloomed on Vanya’s face as she lifted her eyes from her tea. Alice returned it with a fond look for the younger sister, knowing her intuition was simply impeccable -- she knew what true happiness looked like on Vanya and it manifested itself when she came back from Trost the previous day.

It was the first time Alice saw her sister at her happiest.

Vanya settled her gaze onto the window, and watched the clouds glide by with a flock of birds gracing the scope.

She wondered how high Isabel was flying right now. Was she calling out Vanya’s name as she soared with the birds?

Vanya sat still on her seat, listening patiently and lovingly.

“It went well,” she responded placidly to her Alice. “They should be returning home soon…”

Alice looked down in hopes that Vanya wouldn’t see the tones of sorrow in her face. As much as she wanted to be happy for her sanguine and innocent sister, Alice knew it would all be for naught if one should set their hopes on any person affiliated with the regiment notorious for its depraved death rates.

“I’m certain they’re on the way back. Expeditions usually last for a day or two...” said Alice vaguely. She was already too well-versed with the system. The Scouts return with only a third of their men remaining, disparaging headlines will be printed in newspapers (whilst the pages of the obituary outnumber the actual news), and taxes would once again rise as to compensate for the losses incurred during the futile excursions.

Vanya had yet to learn.

“The deputy chaperoned you all the way to the headquarters, is that right, my child?” Victoria broke from her stupor and flashed a perceptive yet suggestive face.

Vanya shot towards Victoria’s direction. Truthfully, the girl had been trying to evade any thoughts associated with the blonde man who had caused her emotions and reason to be in an convoluted state of disarray. Every single time she would relive Erwin’s words in her head, she would end up too flustered and bewildered to continue.

_All I ask is for us to be together, I want to know you more as much as I want you to fully know me._

She was scared -- terrified even. What if Erwin won’t like what he’ll find out the more he would know more about her? What if he realizes that she wasn’t everything he thought he liked about her? What if he runs away and leaves her behind? She was too homely, awkward, a tad bit too impulsive, and naïve -- surely no man would ever desire that in a woman.

Victoria was shrewd to notice the frown on Vanya’s face as she contemplated. “Did something transpire between the two of you that I should be informed of?”

Vanya almost jumped at the directress’ sharp voice.

“I… uhh…” she stuttered, starting to fidget with the hems of her sleeves.

When she saw a flash of disapproval in Victoria’s eyes at her inability to form a coherent response, Vanya sat up straight and spoke reluctantly, “He… he told me something.”

Alice, with every shred of her curiosity piqued, cut in, “What did he say?”

Vanya shrank into her seat.

“He asked to… be with me.”

The silence that came was all too comical.

There was a hitch in Victoria’s breathing. A gulp was heard from Alice. And Vanya -- she was letting all these reactions come through until it would finally sink into them.

Except, the shrill sound of a saucer dropping interjected the entirety of the atmosphere.

“I’m sorry!” Alice squeaked, fixing the position of the saucer before fixating her attention back to Vanya. “Could you… say that again?”

Vanya bit her lips, stifling the urge to stand up and run back to her room for she knew she was too embarrassed to open this up to anyone at all.

“He wishes to take care of me… whatever that means.”

“ _W-whatever that means_? Vanya, I -- are you actually serious?!” Alice choked out. “Darling, that man is --”

“Is courting you.”

All eyes turned to Victoria, who had finished the sentence. The old woman rose from her seat and strutted around the room with an impassive gait. Her heels resounded a forbidding tone, along with the crisp tap of her cane against the floor. She then stopped in front of a painted family portrait of her, Edward, and Alice. They didn’t seem so happy in the painting with their matching frowns and unwelcoming simpers.

“I suppose…” Vanya said with uncertainty as she nervously watched Victoria pacing around.

“Young lady, this is no matter of supposition. Erwin had made himself candid -- he is indeed courting you,” Victoria remarked callously when her finger glided on the golden frame of the portrait to inspect any stray dust. “Pray tell, what else did he say?”

The more seconds that elapsed, the more intense the flushed tint on her cheeks became. “He…he said he wants to provide for me. Promised me comfort and a stable life until our dying days.”

“A prospect, to put it simply.” Victoria whipped her head to the two women staring at her. She donned a confident look of astuteness as she perceptively glared at Vanya. “He wants to give you a _future_ , which seems to me, is as good as asking for your hand in marriage.”

Vanya snapped her eyes away, blushing. “He wasn’t asking to marry me, he made that clear.”

“Oh but soon _he will_ , my child. I am more than certain he will. Now, what was your answer to him?”

The redhead shyly tucked her hair behind her ear.

“I didn’t give him an answer yet.”

“YOU DID WHAT?!”

Alice nearly dropped her teacup while Vanya thought her soul had been ripped out of her body.

All colors of elegance were lost as Victoria’s wrinkles furrowed tenfold and her eyes resembling a feral feistiness.

Vanya scowled ludicrously. “What did you want me to say? _Yes_?”

“Yes, you impudent child!” Victoria screeched in anger. “You would do better to know that any sound mind would accept that man’s heart!”

Vanya’s mouth drew wide open, enough to feel the tightness in her jaws. She sucked in her breath. “You mean… _you_ want me to say yes to him?”

Victoria grew even more abrasive as she answered, “Did I not make myself apparent? Vanya, this is a striking opportunity no other common woman has the privilege of having, and I suggest you seize it this instance, are you hearing me?”

“Mother, this is her life! She ought to make her own decisions, and this particular one will change everything!” Alice cried out, laying a hand on Vanya’s shoulder protectively.

“Exactly!” Victoria shot back at her. “It changes _everything_. Marrying a man with such high regards warrants him his capabilities of giving Vanya an elevated position in this God-forsaken society!”

“Just stop speaking!” Alice groaned a frustrated cry before turning to Vanya who was too shocked to even utter a word. She switched to a softer tone. “Vanya, darling, don’t listen to her. Listen to your heart --”

“ _Listen to your heart_?” The old woman spat mockingly. “Spare me from your yapping, Alice. Listening to your heart only works in fairytales. You best stop burying your nose into those delusional works of fictions and start listening to _me_. Just look at the lines of wealthy suitors you’ve rejected just because you ought to listen to your heart! Absolutely preposterous! I did not waste 50 years of my life to take care of a spinster!”

From the way Alice’s fingers twitched, it was obvious that the mother had clearly struck a chord.

“You know why?” Alice furiously stood up from her seat that the motion almost made the cups and ceramics topple over the table. “Because they didn’t even love me! All they care about was the wealth they could take advantage of once I’m chained with them in matrimony! And I tell you, mother, that Erwin Smith probably has the same intention too, seeing how his regiment is consistently falling apart at the seams.”

Vanya felt the impulse to hold her sister’s shaking hands as she spoke up to her own mother so daringly. But she was too overwhelmed to even move a muscle as she witnessed the mother and daughter wrangle with all of their guts.

“Alice, you should know by now that wealth is all there is to marriage -- it’s no more than an economic proposition.” Victoria haughtily sauntered to the table, penetrating Alice’s eyes with her own the more steps she took. “You claim that you want love from your suitors? Well, I’m sorry to tell you, dearest, but you will never find it, no matter how hard you try. Because finding love in marriage is a privilege! Not all of us can afford to be romantic, not when everything else is now gone to the dogs! Did you honestly think that love can solve that? That love can conquer all? Then you’re no more than a fool! Tell me, will love sustain you? Feed you? Shelter you? Protect you from the Titans if, God forbid, the Walls ever collapse? Will love answer all humanity’s problems? Tell me, Alice!”

At this point, Alice had lost her ability to form a strong argument to counter the mother’s words. She opened her mouth only to shut it when her brain failed to process any word to throw right back at Victoria. Alice glanced at Vanya, hoping that the redhead who was usually bold with her words would join her and stand up against her mother. But when Alice looked over, all she saw was the ginger crown of Vanya’s head for she had focused her gaze shamefully at her lap.

Victoria’s words had shot straight into Vanya’s head.

“Do you two know why I married your father?” Victoria asked coldly. She no longer waited for their response as she carried on belligerently. “Because had I not accepted his hand, I would not have been a prosperous doctor and directress as I am now.”

Vanya looked up when she heard the tones of frustration, regret, and sadness in Victoria’s words. The old woman sunk onto the sofa, the same way her heart was plunging as she tried to recall her lifeless days in marriage.

“One truth you must know is that the only way us women can escalate into society is to have our names tied to notable names of men. If not rich men, they had to be accomplished at life, be it as a doctor, lawyer, or a general,” Victoria explained with a heavy voice that bore the damages and the bruised memories of her younger days of regrets. “Now, Edward, he wasn’t rich at all. His family name, Claire, didn’t trace to any other well-recognized persons within these Walls. In fact, he had no other family that carried the name of Claire. It appeared that he was the last remaining member of his clan as far as I know.”

Alice returned to her seat as she listened intently and empathically. It was the first time Victoria had ever opened up about their father. The mother looked so exhausted, and vulnerable as she carried 50 years worth of deplorable decisions.

Suddenly, Victoria’s eyes sparked with admiration. “But never mind that his family was unknown. Because Edward… he was brilliant -- a genius at his art. No other man in his field could ever contend with his intelligence and skills, it was enough reason for me to say yes to him when he had asked for my hand. I did not care whether he did it because I was an aspiring doctor from a well-known family in the interior or that if he ever loved me. All I cared about is that having his name would be my key to have a role in this world that isn’t someone who will spend her days learning to crochet, or be her daughter’s intrusive matchmaker -- no. I wanted to be _great_. I wanted to reach my dreams: be a doctor and run my hospital, and not just my own household.”

The room was now overflowing with the zest in Victoria’s voice as her eyes shined with incredible fortitude.

“I may not have found true love in being with Edward but at least I have my dreams in my hands -- I have respect, a _voice_ , a position here in this life that is nothing but cruel, merciless, and dark. I’m done with hearing that all a woman is fit for is _love_ when all love does is push you further into madness and meaningless sacrifices. We are at war here, my children. When you’re grasping to survive, you only have yourself and your needs to look out for, do you understand?”

The autumn breeze blew into the windows, brushing off the golden tassels of the curtains -- it was the only sound that answered Victoria's question. The quietude from the two sisters rivalled the ticking sound of the wall clock and thrumming of their heartbeats. Vanya’s mind continued to whir as she tried to weave through the lucid wisdom of the directress.

“You take your pick, Vanya,” Victoria added succinctly. “Accept Erwin’s courtship and you will be guaranteed a bright future ahead of you, or, you follow your sister’s whims and meet your demise.”

Victoria rose to her feet and sauntered towards the door. But before she took her exit, the mother looked back at the family portrait hung above the mantelpiece. Her eyes landed on the painted marbles of Edward’s stoic eyes. And for a moment, she wondered.

Would her life be happier if only they loved each other?

Victoria left the drawing before an answer could even come to her.

It took a couple of minutes of deadened silence before one of the sisters spoke.

“Please tell me you didn’t let her get through your head,” Alice said, observing how lackadaisical Vanya was as she delved deep into her own train of thoughts. “Vanya.”

The younger sister snapped her head up, breaking free from her daze. “What?”

Alice frowned. “You’re considering saying yes to Erwin.”  
  


Vanya rapidly darted her eyes away from Alice, much faster than the speed of light.

“No…” Alice hotly gasped. “Vanya, look at me.”

When the girl refused to even budge, the older sister gave a forbidding sigh.

“If you are thinking of accepting his heart, then you must look me in the eye and tell me if you love him or not.”

Vanya slowly craned her head towards Alice, greeting the worry and the sadness obscuring her sister’s beautiful doll-like face.

“Alice, he promised me _everything_ I was deprived of… What if -- What if Victoria was right? What if the only way I can truly live is to accept him?”

“Do you love him?”

“He’s done nothing but bring me joy. He has been so kind and caring, and I know that I can trust him. I’ve been happy when I’m with him, and... He promised that he will make me happy for the rest of my life.”

“But do you love him?”

“I’ll learn to eventually. Love will come in time.”

Alice gave a sweet and poignant smile, drawn by the countless times she’d be willing to give every ounce of her love for her dear sister.

“My darling, do you or do you not love him?”

There was a dull and muted skip to Vanya’s heartbeat. She allowed herself to tumble into the whispers of her soul, digging deep into every memory, searching through every crevice, wading through the recesses of her consciousness. She skidded through every vision of every time Erwin smiled at her, the moments when his deep blue eyes burned in every corner of her memory, and every word he spoke that brought faint sparks of joy. But the more she searched for the absolute answer to her sister’s question, Vanya only came face to face with a blank slate of her mind.

Her heartbeat didn’t falter nor speed up when she answered, “No… No, I don’t.”

Alice planted a hand on Vanya’s as she delicately asked, “Does he really make you happy or does he only make you feel less lonely?”

The older woman felt how Vanya clenched her hand into a tight and shaking fist.

“Alice, do you know what it’s like to spend two decades in the Underground?” Vanya asked dolefully.

Her sister shook her head, overcome by guilt. “No, but enlighten me if you must.”

Vanya closed her eyes, accompanied with a harsh bite on her lips as she reminisced her horrific days of destitution.

“Sometimes, when we run out of clean water, we quench our thirst with sewage water,” she started when she opened her eyes and shot an unreadable yet impassive expression. Alice tried her best to restrain herself from cringing in disgust at the thought of hydrating herself with water from the canals.

“A small loaf of bread is already one day's worth of meal -- and that’s already a luxury. If you’re able to snag an apple from a stranger’s pocket, you’re already a hero in your household. There are nights when Cedric would take me to our basement at night just so he’d keep me away from the sounds of gangs shooting each other in the streets. We barricade our front doors every night in hopes to not get raided by a mafia. Kids learn to hold a knife before they learn to hold a pencil. A bath is everything. There was a time I tried to chew on paper because we didn’t have food for three days straight. Yes, I may have the people I love sitting at the dining, but what’s the point if there’s no food on the table? And sometimes… s-sometimes the thought of becoming a prostitute would cross my mind because apparently, that stuff pays the bills more than stealing.”

Vanya’s lips were already quivering as she winded back to every vivid image of the horrors she had to endure growing up. Alice couldn’t dare to meet her face, not when she’s too aghast as Vanya’s tales soaked her into a puddle of pity and shame.

“But do you know what’s the worst of all, Alice?” her voice was much fainter than the whistles of the wind. Beseeching and dissipating.

Alice gulped. “Tell me.”

All the luster in Vanya’s eyes dimmed as her face darkened and became gaunt.

“It’s waking up each day knowing there’s nothing you can do to save yourself from that hellhole,” she said with every syllable shivering from the pain of the memory. “It’s being helpless, voiceless… hopeless. The feeling that there will always be fortunate people living above you right on the surface who will always look down on you as pitiful creatures who are nothing without their compassion and useless donations. In their eyes, you’ll always be their burden and beneficiaries while they are the saviors with generous hearts and their piety. It’s living each day fighting for your life even if it’s all too pointless because the cost of a citizenship to the surface is worth more than your organs, so you end up fighting for nothing, scavenging for scraps and praying it’s enough to last you for another week.”

“People think that living in poverty is just… not being able to eat or having a strong roof to live under. That the only way to rise from the bottom is for you, surface people, to be compassionate and offer your meager charity works as if that can compensate for all the trauma we had to live with in the squalors,” Vanya went on as she achingly glared at Alice. “People like you would never understand how horrid life down there is, Alice. It messes you up so bad in the head that until now it still lives within me no matter where I go.”

Alice dropped her head, amplifying the guilt that was shredding her heart apart. “... And you think that being with Erwin can save you from that?”

Vanya slumped and sighed tiredly, “No... I don’t think anyone can.” She felt a wave of fatigue overtaking every cell in her body. “Yesterday, when I sent my friends off to their expedition, I thought that being with them is already everything… That we can take on the world, do all the things we couldn’t do in our old lives, as long as we stay together.”

She brought her head into her palms and let her fingers knead through her scalp as an attempt to relieve her from her affliction. “But I feel like the ghost of our past would still follow us -- haunt us wherever we go.... What if one day we lose everything and we all go back to square one? What if the Universe will come hunting us down for all the sins we’ve committed in the Underground? Is there any guarantee that we’ll be safe? Is staying together truly enough?”

Her hands crumpled into fists, bearing the strength that was capable of punching holes through the meaningless battles that ravaged her mind. “But I’m done worrying, Alice. I’m tired of being scared for myself and for my friends, I want us to _live_ freely without fearing for what’s about to come to us. Fearing that we’ll run out of food for the next few days, escaping from people who want us dead, being reminded each and every day that we’re just hopeless runts who fall prey to this pyramid -- no, I’m _done_. We deserve more than that, we deserve to be happy… _I_ deserve to be happy…. And maybe, just maybe, Erwin can give me that.”

It stung her soul when Vanya said it out loud. Because deep down, it wasn’t Erwin’s name she had wanted to say.

She wanted to say someone else’s. Someone whose name felt like honey on her tongue whenever her heart would call out to him.

Alice tried to ease the tension in Vanya’s fists when she reached out and cupped them. “But, Vanya, you don’t love --”

“The hell with love!” Vanya bellowed out loud, harshly yanking her hands from her sister’s grasp. “Don’t you see, Alice? He’ll protect me and my friends, I know he stays true to his promise. He will give us _freedom_ after living in captivity under these grounds for too long… It’s what I’ve dreamt all my life. To rise from those ruins and be someone far greater than who I am now. I’d be so successful that my friends wouldn’t even need to worry about anything else for I know that I'd be capable enough to give them everything -- a new life… Is that wrong?”

Alice felt the cracks in her heart as she tried her best to sympathize with the girl who was gradually crippling down into her own state of chaos. When Alice heard the bouts of hesitation and stuttering in Vanya’s voice when she spoke, she instantly knew that Vanya’s heart wasn’t truly set on what she was declaring.

“Vanya, listen to me,” Alice started conscientiously, careful not to aggravate her volatile sister. “I may not know how unhappy life is in the Underground, and I know you are worthy of happiness but… I do know that what you’re about to do to Erwin isn’t fair to him… You can’t just use people to make yourself happy, you’ll only end up hurting not just him, but also yourself.”

The moments her words were spouted, Vanya squeezed her eyes shut for she knew that Alice’s words were true. She felt disgusted at herself for she never knew how capable she was of hurting the man who had done nothing but show her kindness.

“The truth is, darling, I don’t think you can ever find happiness in anyone, or in big houses, money, title, or whatever you were deprived of growing up. Just because you know what suffering felt like does not mean you know what true happiness will feel like,” Alice continued with her hand finding its way back on her sister’s forearm so she could soothe her. “Just look at my family, Vanya. Do you think we’re all happy in this house? I’ve lived in comfort and luxury for 27 years and did you honestly think I was a happy woman who’s too busy sewing dresses to give a care? No! My life here on the surface is incorrigible, and do you know why?”

Vanya looked up curiously as she anticipated for the answer.

“Because I was the fruit of a loveless marriage,” Alice’s voice was already shattering and her chest was heaving as she tried to calm herself down. “You see, the difference between you and I is that though I always had food on my table, I never had _anyone_ to share it with. You had a mother and father who loved you so much, and a brother who would always protect you even if your lifestyle was anything but desirable. While I… I have to live with a woman who would always wish that I wasn’t born, and a father who never chose me. I wanted to be loved, Vanya and yet… no one gave me that.”

Vanya watched as her sister slowly relinquished the youthfulness on her face when wrinkles lined on her forehead, and the shadows of loneliness distorted all the features that had always made heads turning to her.

Yet for some reason, Vanya found her sister to be more beautiful in this state.

“I’m… sorry,” Vanya mumbled shamefully, looking down on her lap. An ominous weight of guilt pressed onto her shoulders; it was too heavy that it was hindering her from breathing and thinking properly.

“It’s alright, darling,” Alice said with a small and dainty voice. “I guess we are truly sisters after all.”

Indeed, they were. In the four walls of the drawing room during a fine autumn morning, the two sisters sat together around the table by the window. One was tall, one was short. One had golden threads of locks for hair, while the latter exuded fierceness from how her flaring red hair seemed to ignite against the sunlight. One had luxury, one had love.

But one that they both shared wasn’t just the same pair of green eyes, it was the penchant for something more would set them free from the shackles of their reality.

“Vanya, tell me…” Alice’s voice suited the sacredness of the silence. “Is there someone else?”

Vanya shifted on her seat as she pursed her lips. “How did you know?”

“When you come home from the headquarters yesterday,” Alice replied, hinting a small smile on her face. “There was this look in your eyes that I haven’t seen you’ve had before.”

“R-really?”

Alice gave a lighthearted chuckle. “Indeed. It was one of a kind. You didn’t have that look when you came home after exploring the district with Erwin.”

There was a drop Vanya felt in her insides. “Oh…”

She remembered coming home after she had willingly danced under the rain in front of Erwin. How that particular day had given her reasons to be alive from the bites of cinnamon rolls down to the velvety feeling of his lips on her hand. Though for a moment it gave her a miniscule taste of euphoria, it was still no contender to the overbearing emptiness that was still pulsating in her being.

“You took the drug that day.”

Vanya’s eyes shot right back up. At this point, it no longer surprised her at how Alice knew. She had woken up the next day looking too sick and reminiscent of her days in the hospital.

She sighed vacantly, finding no point to ask her how she knew. “I’m sorry… I promise I won’t do it again, I swear to the Walls.”

“I know you won’t, darling,” Alice replied understandably. “The bliss in your eyes yesterday… It was all the proof that I needed to see,” she said with her smile deepening. “This ‘someone’... they must be the reason for you to stop.”

Vanya returned it with a broken smile when she recalled how heartbroken her best friends were when they had found out. But this particular man looked so devastated and crestfallen among the rest even after he had thrown the bottle of laudanum away.

“He had this look on his face when he found out and… I didn’t like looking at it,” Vanya recounted sadly. “And then, I realized that I don’t want to die yet… because I still want to live long enough to look at his face, no matter how happy or sad it was. I just want to keep looking at him… the same way how I want to feel his eyes on me even while I’m looking away.”

Vanya could already feel how foolish she was beginning to sound. But at the same time, it felt right to finally say the words out loud. Her senses were calming down and her mind wandered to a more tranquil position.

“Do you love him?”

When the daring question came, Vanya expected time to suddenly freeze.

But it was nothing like that. Instead, the world continued to turn, the sun seemed to have shone brighter, the birds didn’t stop their flight, while the merriments in the streets continued to bustle on.

The world seemed to keep moving, not slowing down for anyone yet Vanya knew that the world was perhaps still on her side as the answer to the question strummed in her head like the answer had always been there, tied to her soul since the dawn of time.

“Alice… I’m scared,” she confessed waveringly.

Alice leaned closer in concern. “Why so?”

Vanya took a deep breath before she answered, “What if… What if it’s not enough? What if I'll never be good enough for the both of us? What if Victoria was right when she said that love is just some mad delusion that won’t answer anything? Is there even a point in loving him?”

“Vanya, you will only find out if you pursue it,” Alice responded sullenly. “To be quite frank with you, I don’t hold the answer. But I’d like to think that us people do everything we can to feel a little more loved. Loving and being loved seem like what we’re meant to do in this world.”

“And is that bad?” the younger sister asked.

“You mean, is it a crime to love someone?” Alice said with amusement. “I think not. I think love gives me a reason each day to live in this corrupted world.”

Just like how Levi held her hand as they blissfully sprinted down the corrupted streets in the Underground like innocent kids while Isabel and Furlan chased them behind.

“Yeah… I think so too,” Vanya mumbled, replaying the memory in her mind.

Alice caressed her sister’s arm lovingly. “I’m glad you do,” she then arched an eyebrow, “When do you plan on telling this person?”

Vanya craned her head, avoiding her sister’s intrusive and piercing gaze. “I… don’t know.”

“You claim to want freedom and yet you choose to hide your heart…” Alice bemused.

“No it’s just that…” Vanya’s thoughts were derailing to somewhere dark. “What if I’m not worthy enough for him? Alice, what if being with me can only bring pain? I brought too much suffering on people’s lives… I’ve troubled you, Victoria, Erwin, my friends, him…”

“The people we choose to love are always the burden who are worth carrying.”

_“With love comes the burden you have to bear.”_

Lily Ronan’s words reverberated in her hearing, paralleled by the words of her sister.

_“Levi won’t give up on you.”_

The days of her past lingered out of thin air, magnetizing her back to the sensation of his hands, the air from his lips that tickled her neck, the flicker of electricity surging from every touch, and the calmness in his stormy eyes that would always look at her as if she was the center of the Universe, the gravity pulling him to the shores where her loving arms were waiting to shelter him.

Because he was the trouncing waves, the tides that would always kiss the sands. And if that were the case, then Vanya was ready to throw herself into the seas and drown until she could hear the sound of their hearts beating as one as she sank to the ocean floor of his love.

Fleetingly, Vanya stood up from her seat and trudged towards the door in a flash.

“Wait, where are you going?” Alice asked frantically, following her.

The redhead looked over her shoulder with wide and mirthful eyes. “To the barracks, of course.”

“Why on earth would you do that? They haven’t even returned yet!”

“Then I’ll wait for them!” Vanya said, swooping in as she excitedly took her sister’s hands. “I must tell him, Alice. I must tell him that I lo --”

The door behind them burst open and a female servant entered breathlessly. The two sisters flicked their attention to the maid who looked petrified.

“What is it?” Alice asked worriedly.

“Miss Vanya has a visitor,” the maid responded quickly.

Confused, Vanya clutched her chest. “Who could it be?”

The maid frowned. “It’s the deputy commander of the Survey Corps.”

Before another person could even react, another person entered the drawing room.

With his uniform disheveled, muddied boots, the stench of petrichor reeking from his skin, Erwin Smith made his presence known with a hard and unreadable look in his blue eyes.

“E-erwin, you’re here!” Vanya gasped, flabbergasted. “Since when have you returned?”

Erwin was still panting when he replied, “This morning, I rode instantly on the way here as soon as we arrived at the gates.”

Vanya’s eyes lit up at the thought of the Scouts finally home again. “Then, please, take a rest first. You must have had quite a -- “

“Vanya, I must tell you something.”

Chills instantly rushed under her skin at the grave tone of his voice. Her fingertips began to shake when she saw how his eyes seemed to fall like the dead autumn leaves being plucked out of the trees by the cold winds.

With her voice quivering, she asked, “What… Is it…?”

She carefully watched Erwin’s mouth move but whatever words that came out, it didn’t reach her ears.

Her face wrinkled in a daze, “Sorry? What was that?”

Erwin mouthed the words again with even more fallen eyes, but still it was soundless. Vanya still couldn’t hear him.

And then, a ringing sound pierced her ears until she felt as if her eardrums shattered and bled. Her head pounded with a dull throb. The whole room spun before her eyes. The silhouettes of Alice’s and Erwin’s body blurred until everything moved in slow motion.

“What… did… you… say…?” her voice was almost disintegrating into dusts as she blinked slowly, trying to focus on Erwin’s lips.

And when he repeated the words, Vanya finally heard it.

But before she could even react, freeze, cry, break down, wreak havoc all over the place, she lost herself.

The darkness seized her as she felt her body collapsing onto the floor with nothing but the cackles of the grim reaper catching her.

And then, everything turned black.

_“Vanya… I’m deeply sorry. Furlan Church and Isabel Magnolia didn’t make it in the expedition.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes... I know :(
> 
> I just want to say that this arc is finally ending. The last chapter will be the last one set in 844 and after that, it's going to fast forward to 850 and follow the canon plot from season 1 with all the Eren action. So please look forward to that!
> 
> For now, the next chapter will be... I don't even know how to explain it. Gosh :(
> 
> But yes, that's it! Next chapter will be out within this week.
> 
> Till the next one!
> 
> Frankie xo


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